Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 2 - Picture This - full transcript
When Larry attempts to teach the good-natured Balki not to let others take advantage of him, it threatens Larry's chance to get a picture that could help his career.
* Sometimes the world
looks perfect
* Nothing to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
get a feeling
* Like you need
some kind of change
* No matter what the odds
are this time
* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way
* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Rise and fall
on the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder
the wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's gonna
stop me now
* Nothing's gonna
stop me now
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's going
to stop me now
* Nothing's going
to stop me now *
Yeah? If you'd watch
where you were going
you wouldn't fall down.
Sheesh.
Give somebody a white cane
they think
they own the sidewalk.
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
Hi, Mr. Twinkacetti.
The handicapped
harassing you again?
Boy, Chicago is a big place.
If I walked as far
on my little island of Mypos
as I just walked I'd be drowning
in the ocean right now.
I'm so lucky to be here.
You're so lucky
the Statue of Liberty
didn't wave you away.
Where have you been?
She said to me, "Would you take
this to my house?"
And I said, "of course,"
because it's only 93 blocks.
And...
And so, when we got there,
I had to hook up the antenna
which was on the roof.
And they were coming toward me
because they want to peck me.
And then they come
and sit on my neck
and I don't like that.
And then
the old lady had to come up
and drag me off the roof
like Tippi Hedren.
But the TV works like a charm.
What, uh,
what TV did she buy?
Oh, not one from here.
It's obvious in his country
Balki, that little old lady
took advantage of you.
Every panhandler on the block
knows you by your first name.
"Sucker."
You gotta stop being so nice.
Okay, you're right.
I'll never be nice again.
[telephone ringing]
Let me get that for you.
I'll get it.
Ritz Discount.
Oh, hi, Gus.
You're kidding.
Gus, this means a lot to me.
Thanks.
Cousin Larry, you were nice
to that person on the phone.
I hope he didn't
take advantage of you.
I finally got a break.
Dolly Parton
is staying in town secretly.
Dolly Parton. I love her.
* Workin' nine to five
* What a way to make a livin'
* Workin' nine to five *
Balki, sit this one out.
Anyway, iff I can get
a picture of her
before anyone knows
she's in town
what it takes to be
a crack photojournalist.
Cousin Larry, you know, someday
I'm gonna look at you and say
"That's my cousin,
Larry Appleton
the best photographer
in the world."
And do you know why?
Because you're cracked.
Thanks.
* Tumble outta bed
and stumble to the kitchen *
BALKI: Are you crazy?
TV ANNOUNCER: Door three.
Door number two.
The car is behind
door number two.
Uh! Unbelievable.
BALKI: Cousin Larry,
did you get the picture?
I got to the hotel just
as her cab was pulling away.
I jumped into another cab
and said, "Follow that car."
And in case you're wondering,
they don't do that.
BALKI: You've had
a busy day.
I gotta get this picture.
She checked into a room with
a man who is not her husband.
This is a sure sale.
If he's not her husband,
what's he doing in her room?
Balki, she's having an affair.
Dolly Parton wouldn't do that.
Maybe it's her brother.
Yeah.
Well, there are newspapers
who'll buy a picture of them,
whoever he is.
What if they don't want
their picture taken?
They don't. That's what makes
newspapers wanna buy it.
Well, don't you think you're
stepping on her privacy?
Look, Balki, in America
a famous person gives up
their right to privacy.
And if I'm gonna make it
as a photojournalist,
it's gonna take
a lot of talent and luck.
I've got the talent,
and Dolly Parton is my luck.
You want to get lucky
with Dolly Parton?
What I'm saying is that people
have a right to know
about every aspect
of a public figure's life.
Taking a picture of Dolly Parton
is photojournalism?
The journalism
will have to come later.
How you did that?
Well, it's,
it's a pop-top can.
Haven't you ever seen
one of these before?
Of course I have,
don't be ridiculous.
I did it.
Now how do I close that?
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Oh, hi, Linda,
I forgot you were coming.
Oh, well, I hope
you're still gonna be able
to look after Gorbachev.
Well, I'm flattered.
Now, remember, he likes
to be walked at 10 o'clock.
If you wait too long
Ten it is.
Maybe 9:30.
Well, I'm sure
we can think of something.
My flight gets back Tuesday.
Yeah, okay.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Great, just what I need.
Come on, Gorbachev. If you're
good, we'll feed you a mailman.
Yeah, good boy.
Yeah, good boy.
Okay, stay off the bed.
(BARKING)
Yeah, all right.
Stretch out.
Let me ask you something.
Linda just gave you
a big dog to take care of.
Isn't she taking
advantage of you?
Well, there's a difference.
See, I'm letting her
take advantage of me
in the hope that it will help
bond our relationship.
You want to bond with her?
Well, she is a stewardess.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Whoo!
Whoo.
Oh!
Oh.
What are we talking about?
I'll explain it
some other time, huh?
I thought you were going
to your citizenship class.
Well, I'll make it up
on Saturday.
I'm sewing
Mr. Twinkacetti's pants.
You're sewing
Twinkacetti's pants?
Sure. You want me to sew
something for you?
There you go, letting people
take advantage of you.
You've got to learn to say no.
I can't say no.
Balki, would you shine my shoes?
Sure.
There, see? You did it again.
You've gotta
stand up for yourself.
Sit down.
Just say no.
No. I'm sorry.
No. No, don't say you're sorry.
It takes the edge off.
Now, come on, try it again.
Balki, would you
please shine my shoes?
It would help
if you didn't say "please."
Say it.
No.
Good.
No, I won't
shine your shoes.
Good, keep it going.
I would not shine your shoes
if my life depend on it.
You tried to trick Balki.
No shoes, no mustard.
Good, huh?
Very good.
I'm very proud of you.
And you'll never do this again.
Never again.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
(RINGING CONTINUES)
You bet you will, buddy.
This is fun.
Hello?
They did? When did they leave?
You're the greatest, Gus.
Thanks.
Balki, Dolly Parton just went
for a walk
with the guy she's with.
I gotta hurry
if I wanna catch them.
Balki?
You want me to walk the dog?
Yes.
Don't be ridiculous.
No, no.
Now, Balki, Balki.
Now, I am desperate,
I am in need.
Aren't we all?
What? No, no.
Balki, this is not a test.
I repeat, this is not a test.
I am begging you.
No way. Uh-uh.
I'm going
to my citizenship class.
Balki, you can't do this to me.
Who do you think you're
talking to? Somebody nice?
Ha!
Come here, Susan.
Look this.
Hello, Cousin Larry.
Hello, Susan.
Hi.
Larry, why aren't you
talking to Balki?
I only talk to my friends.
All I know is last night,
he taught me how to say no
until I was
very good at saying no.
And then I said, "no,"
and he got mad.
That's not quite what happened.
I had the chance
to get an exclusive photograph
of a famous person.
And all he had to do was take
Gorbachev for a walk, but no.
Gorbachev?
A dog the size of a Buick.
The point...
The point is I had
to take the beast with me.
When I got close
to take the picture
she saw me and took off.
Gorbachev took off after her
I tore my clothes.
I sprained my ankle.
I probably would've
been dragged to my death
if Gorbachev
hadn't met a stray poodle
who was coming off
a bad relationship.
All because of this person
who I am not talking to.
Did you like Mypos food?
Cousin Larry,
I don't know what you want.
I cook all day for you
and still you're
not talking to me.
You told me to say no.
I'll make an exception
just to say this.
I don't wanna talk about it.
You know, now
you're making Balki mad.
You know, I can pout too.
Pouting was invented on Mypos.
You haven't seen pouting
until you've seen
the Mypos kiss of silence.
Okay, wise eyes,
you asking for it.
Don't you ever,
ever do that again.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello.
Hello, Gus.
No, he's in the bathroom,
not talking.
What?
What is that about Dolly Parton?
Oh, my Cousin Larry
would love to hear that.
(SPEAKING FAST)
...Dolly Parton. Bye.
Who was that?
Was that Gus from the hotel?
He say something
about Dolly Parton?
Did he say she's going out?
What do you think, huh?
You're not dealing
with a dimwit here.
Gus went on his break.
Balki, I'd like to apologize.
I was wrong,
I'm sorry I pouted. There.
Now, tell me what he said.
Balki, I apologized.
You didn't mean it.
You know, on Mypos,
we have a way
of showing an apology is real.
Tell me. I'll do it.
Well, first you pluck a chicken.
Balki.
Okay, we skip the chicken.
I can grovel.
The sorry person says,
"I am dirt.
"I am the sweat of a pig.
"I am sorry forever."
But it better be convincing.
I am dirt.
I am--
What? What? What? What?
It's not groveling unless
your head is lower than mine.
I am dirt.
I am dirt.
I am...
The sweat of a pig.
The sweat of a pig.
I've got it, I've got it.
I am sorry forever.
There. Is that good enough?
It's just not the same
without the chicken.
Balki, Balki, please.
Oh, I forgive you.
So we have to do
the Dance of Joy.
(SINGING)
All right, good.
Now, tell me what Gus said
about Dolly Parton.
She's on the plane to Nashville.
No. Ugh!
Just kidding.
Cousins should joke more.
Yes, yes, they should.
Now tell me what he said.
She's in the lounge with the man
who must be her brother.
The lounge.
Can I come with you?
Okay, okay.
I wanna get close enough
to get the picture this time.
Why can't I say,
"watch the birdie?"
It's so dark in here.
You can't even see your own nose
in front of your face.
There she is.
Oh no, he's leaving. I've gotta
get a picture of them together.
Don't you see what's happened?
She's going back to her husband
because she's a good person.
And now no one will ever know
that they came here together.
Until you take
a picture of them
and then her life is ruined.
What are you doing?
I don't think it's right just
because she has a public figure.
Balki, give me my camera.
No.
Good, huh?
Let's be adult about this.
Give me my camera.
No, no, no.
Stop. Stop. Don't. Don't.
Would you stop?
(GROANING)
She's not going back
to her husband.
They are going to Mexico
to live in sin.
Now give me my camera.
Balki, get out of my way.
No.
I can't let you
invade her privacys.
(SCREAMS)
MAN: Somebody call the police.
You're not Dolly Parton.
She's not? But I was told...
You're not Dolly Parton.
All right, wise guy, why you've
been following us all over town?
Scared my wife half to death.
I did? I, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to hurt anyone.
I, I just wanted
to get a picture
of a famous person
committing adultery.
I am dirt.
I am the sweat of a pig.
Why couldn't I see
what I was doing?
Well, because it was
very dark at that hotel.
I was willing to destroy
a person's reputation
by selling a picture
to a sleazy newspaper...
Just to get
my career started.
You tried to tell me that,
but I wouldn't listen.
I have no integrity.
Of course you do.
You full of it.
What is integrity?
Refusing to sell out
to get where you wanna go.
If I wanted to be
a photojournalist with integrity
what made me think
I could start out this way?
that makes a better person.
I learned I was a sleaze.
But you can build on that.
In my country, when somebody
learns something
about himself
that is not good
then he changes that.
That means he has
what you call integrity.
You should be proud of yourself.
Well, that makes me feel better.
A little better.
Now, cousin,
it would make me happy
to do something for you
because you are my friend.
But if I do that for you
are you taking advantage of me?
What I meant about that was
if you wanna help people,
you should.
But you shouldn't do it
because you feel you have to.
Oh.
What a wonderful day we've had.
You have learned something,
and I have learned something.
Too bad
we didn't learn it sooner
we could have gone
to the movies instead.
Cousin Larry?
What?
Goodnight.
Goodnight, Balki.
(GORBACHEV BARKING)
(LARRY SCREAMING)
looks perfect
* Nothing to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
get a feeling
* Like you need
some kind of change
* No matter what the odds
are this time
* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way
* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Rise and fall
on the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder
the wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's gonna
stop me now
* Nothing's gonna
stop me now
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's going
to stop me now
* Nothing's going
to stop me now *
Yeah? If you'd watch
where you were going
you wouldn't fall down.
Sheesh.
Give somebody a white cane
they think
they own the sidewalk.
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
Hi, Mr. Twinkacetti.
The handicapped
harassing you again?
Boy, Chicago is a big place.
If I walked as far
on my little island of Mypos
as I just walked I'd be drowning
in the ocean right now.
I'm so lucky to be here.
You're so lucky
the Statue of Liberty
didn't wave you away.
Where have you been?
She said to me, "Would you take
this to my house?"
And I said, "of course,"
because it's only 93 blocks.
And...
And so, when we got there,
I had to hook up the antenna
which was on the roof.
And they were coming toward me
because they want to peck me.
And then they come
and sit on my neck
and I don't like that.
And then
the old lady had to come up
and drag me off the roof
like Tippi Hedren.
But the TV works like a charm.
What, uh,
what TV did she buy?
Oh, not one from here.
It's obvious in his country
Balki, that little old lady
took advantage of you.
Every panhandler on the block
knows you by your first name.
"Sucker."
You gotta stop being so nice.
Okay, you're right.
I'll never be nice again.
[telephone ringing]
Let me get that for you.
I'll get it.
Ritz Discount.
Oh, hi, Gus.
You're kidding.
Gus, this means a lot to me.
Thanks.
Cousin Larry, you were nice
to that person on the phone.
I hope he didn't
take advantage of you.
I finally got a break.
Dolly Parton
is staying in town secretly.
Dolly Parton. I love her.
* Workin' nine to five
* What a way to make a livin'
* Workin' nine to five *
Balki, sit this one out.
Anyway, iff I can get
a picture of her
before anyone knows
she's in town
what it takes to be
a crack photojournalist.
Cousin Larry, you know, someday
I'm gonna look at you and say
"That's my cousin,
Larry Appleton
the best photographer
in the world."
And do you know why?
Because you're cracked.
Thanks.
* Tumble outta bed
and stumble to the kitchen *
BALKI: Are you crazy?
TV ANNOUNCER: Door three.
Door number two.
The car is behind
door number two.
Uh! Unbelievable.
BALKI: Cousin Larry,
did you get the picture?
I got to the hotel just
as her cab was pulling away.
I jumped into another cab
and said, "Follow that car."
And in case you're wondering,
they don't do that.
BALKI: You've had
a busy day.
I gotta get this picture.
She checked into a room with
a man who is not her husband.
This is a sure sale.
If he's not her husband,
what's he doing in her room?
Balki, she's having an affair.
Dolly Parton wouldn't do that.
Maybe it's her brother.
Yeah.
Well, there are newspapers
who'll buy a picture of them,
whoever he is.
What if they don't want
their picture taken?
They don't. That's what makes
newspapers wanna buy it.
Well, don't you think you're
stepping on her privacy?
Look, Balki, in America
a famous person gives up
their right to privacy.
And if I'm gonna make it
as a photojournalist,
it's gonna take
a lot of talent and luck.
I've got the talent,
and Dolly Parton is my luck.
You want to get lucky
with Dolly Parton?
What I'm saying is that people
have a right to know
about every aspect
of a public figure's life.
Taking a picture of Dolly Parton
is photojournalism?
The journalism
will have to come later.
How you did that?
Well, it's,
it's a pop-top can.
Haven't you ever seen
one of these before?
Of course I have,
don't be ridiculous.
I did it.
Now how do I close that?
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Oh, hi, Linda,
I forgot you were coming.
Oh, well, I hope
you're still gonna be able
to look after Gorbachev.
Well, I'm flattered.
Now, remember, he likes
to be walked at 10 o'clock.
If you wait too long
Ten it is.
Maybe 9:30.
Well, I'm sure
we can think of something.
My flight gets back Tuesday.
Yeah, okay.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Great, just what I need.
Come on, Gorbachev. If you're
good, we'll feed you a mailman.
Yeah, good boy.
Yeah, good boy.
Okay, stay off the bed.
(BARKING)
Yeah, all right.
Stretch out.
Let me ask you something.
Linda just gave you
a big dog to take care of.
Isn't she taking
advantage of you?
Well, there's a difference.
See, I'm letting her
take advantage of me
in the hope that it will help
bond our relationship.
You want to bond with her?
Well, she is a stewardess.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Whoo!
Whoo.
Oh!
Oh.
What are we talking about?
I'll explain it
some other time, huh?
I thought you were going
to your citizenship class.
Well, I'll make it up
on Saturday.
I'm sewing
Mr. Twinkacetti's pants.
You're sewing
Twinkacetti's pants?
Sure. You want me to sew
something for you?
There you go, letting people
take advantage of you.
You've got to learn to say no.
I can't say no.
Balki, would you shine my shoes?
Sure.
There, see? You did it again.
You've gotta
stand up for yourself.
Sit down.
Just say no.
No. I'm sorry.
No. No, don't say you're sorry.
It takes the edge off.
Now, come on, try it again.
Balki, would you
please shine my shoes?
It would help
if you didn't say "please."
Say it.
No.
Good.
No, I won't
shine your shoes.
Good, keep it going.
I would not shine your shoes
if my life depend on it.
You tried to trick Balki.
No shoes, no mustard.
Good, huh?
Very good.
I'm very proud of you.
And you'll never do this again.
Never again.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
(RINGING CONTINUES)
You bet you will, buddy.
This is fun.
Hello?
They did? When did they leave?
You're the greatest, Gus.
Thanks.
Balki, Dolly Parton just went
for a walk
with the guy she's with.
I gotta hurry
if I wanna catch them.
Balki?
You want me to walk the dog?
Yes.
Don't be ridiculous.
No, no.
Now, Balki, Balki.
Now, I am desperate,
I am in need.
Aren't we all?
What? No, no.
Balki, this is not a test.
I repeat, this is not a test.
I am begging you.
No way. Uh-uh.
I'm going
to my citizenship class.
Balki, you can't do this to me.
Who do you think you're
talking to? Somebody nice?
Ha!
Come here, Susan.
Look this.
Hello, Cousin Larry.
Hello, Susan.
Hi.
Larry, why aren't you
talking to Balki?
I only talk to my friends.
All I know is last night,
he taught me how to say no
until I was
very good at saying no.
And then I said, "no,"
and he got mad.
That's not quite what happened.
I had the chance
to get an exclusive photograph
of a famous person.
And all he had to do was take
Gorbachev for a walk, but no.
Gorbachev?
A dog the size of a Buick.
The point...
The point is I had
to take the beast with me.
When I got close
to take the picture
she saw me and took off.
Gorbachev took off after her
I tore my clothes.
I sprained my ankle.
I probably would've
been dragged to my death
if Gorbachev
hadn't met a stray poodle
who was coming off
a bad relationship.
All because of this person
who I am not talking to.
Did you like Mypos food?
Cousin Larry,
I don't know what you want.
I cook all day for you
and still you're
not talking to me.
You told me to say no.
I'll make an exception
just to say this.
I don't wanna talk about it.
You know, now
you're making Balki mad.
You know, I can pout too.
Pouting was invented on Mypos.
You haven't seen pouting
until you've seen
the Mypos kiss of silence.
Okay, wise eyes,
you asking for it.
Don't you ever,
ever do that again.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello.
Hello, Gus.
No, he's in the bathroom,
not talking.
What?
What is that about Dolly Parton?
Oh, my Cousin Larry
would love to hear that.
(SPEAKING FAST)
...Dolly Parton. Bye.
Who was that?
Was that Gus from the hotel?
He say something
about Dolly Parton?
Did he say she's going out?
What do you think, huh?
You're not dealing
with a dimwit here.
Gus went on his break.
Balki, I'd like to apologize.
I was wrong,
I'm sorry I pouted. There.
Now, tell me what he said.
Balki, I apologized.
You didn't mean it.
You know, on Mypos,
we have a way
of showing an apology is real.
Tell me. I'll do it.
Well, first you pluck a chicken.
Balki.
Okay, we skip the chicken.
I can grovel.
The sorry person says,
"I am dirt.
"I am the sweat of a pig.
"I am sorry forever."
But it better be convincing.
I am dirt.
I am--
What? What? What? What?
It's not groveling unless
your head is lower than mine.
I am dirt.
I am dirt.
I am...
The sweat of a pig.
The sweat of a pig.
I've got it, I've got it.
I am sorry forever.
There. Is that good enough?
It's just not the same
without the chicken.
Balki, Balki, please.
Oh, I forgive you.
So we have to do
the Dance of Joy.
(SINGING)
All right, good.
Now, tell me what Gus said
about Dolly Parton.
She's on the plane to Nashville.
No. Ugh!
Just kidding.
Cousins should joke more.
Yes, yes, they should.
Now tell me what he said.
She's in the lounge with the man
who must be her brother.
The lounge.
Can I come with you?
Okay, okay.
I wanna get close enough
to get the picture this time.
Why can't I say,
"watch the birdie?"
It's so dark in here.
You can't even see your own nose
in front of your face.
There she is.
Oh no, he's leaving. I've gotta
get a picture of them together.
Don't you see what's happened?
She's going back to her husband
because she's a good person.
And now no one will ever know
that they came here together.
Until you take
a picture of them
and then her life is ruined.
What are you doing?
I don't think it's right just
because she has a public figure.
Balki, give me my camera.
No.
Good, huh?
Let's be adult about this.
Give me my camera.
No, no, no.
Stop. Stop. Don't. Don't.
Would you stop?
(GROANING)
She's not going back
to her husband.
They are going to Mexico
to live in sin.
Now give me my camera.
Balki, get out of my way.
No.
I can't let you
invade her privacys.
(SCREAMS)
MAN: Somebody call the police.
You're not Dolly Parton.
She's not? But I was told...
You're not Dolly Parton.
All right, wise guy, why you've
been following us all over town?
Scared my wife half to death.
I did? I, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to hurt anyone.
I, I just wanted
to get a picture
of a famous person
committing adultery.
I am dirt.
I am the sweat of a pig.
Why couldn't I see
what I was doing?
Well, because it was
very dark at that hotel.
I was willing to destroy
a person's reputation
by selling a picture
to a sleazy newspaper...
Just to get
my career started.
You tried to tell me that,
but I wouldn't listen.
I have no integrity.
Of course you do.
You full of it.
What is integrity?
Refusing to sell out
to get where you wanna go.
If I wanted to be
a photojournalist with integrity
what made me think
I could start out this way?
that makes a better person.
I learned I was a sleaze.
But you can build on that.
In my country, when somebody
learns something
about himself
that is not good
then he changes that.
That means he has
what you call integrity.
You should be proud of yourself.
Well, that makes me feel better.
A little better.
Now, cousin,
it would make me happy
to do something for you
because you are my friend.
But if I do that for you
are you taking advantage of me?
What I meant about that was
if you wanna help people,
you should.
But you shouldn't do it
because you feel you have to.
Oh.
What a wonderful day we've had.
You have learned something,
and I have learned something.
Too bad
we didn't learn it sooner
we could have gone
to the movies instead.
Cousin Larry?
What?
Goodnight.
Goodnight, Balki.
(GORBACHEV BARKING)
(LARRY SCREAMING)