Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 1 - Knock Knock, Who's There? - full transcript

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just

* Get a feeling like you need
some kind of change

* No matter what the odds
are this time

* Nothing's going
to stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dreams

* Rise and fall



* On the wings of my dreams

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now
* Nothing's gonna stop me

* It's my life

* My dream

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *

(HUMMING)

Must be childproof.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

I hope whoever it is
brought a chainsaw.



Am I looking up
"Larry Appleton?"

Larry Appleton. That's me.

Larry, Larry, Larry.

I look everywhere for you.

I walk the streets.
I search the alleys.

I say to everyone,
"Have you seen Larry?"

You don't know how many people
have never heard of you.

Yes, yes. Now you're safe.

Who are you?

I'm Balki Bartokomous.

Philo, my fifth cousin
three times removed

is a step-uncle to your father
on my mother's side

two continents removed.

I see. So we're
sort of related by rumor.

(SIGHS)
America.

Land of my dreams.

Home of the Whopper.

So cousin Philo
says to me, he says

"Balki, when you
move to America"

"you have to go
to Madison, Wisconsin"

"to look up
George Appleton."

That's your father.
That's the story I heard too.

So, I said goodbye to...Mypos

my little Mediterranean
island country.

And I got on the tramp steamer.
Tramp, tramp, tramp.

And then I got on the bus.
Bus, bus, bus.

And I found your father
to move in but he said, "No."

"You have to go to the big city
of Chicago to find my son."

That's you.

So I got on the bus.
Bus, bus, bus.

And here I am.

Well, wait a minute, you came
here to move in with me?

Of course I did.

Well, Balki, uh, look,
there, there is a problem.

See, I just moved here myself.

This is the first time
I've lived alone.

I actually have my own
bachelor pad. You want a beer?

No, thank you.
What are you saying?

Well, I'm saying...

You see,
I've lived my whole life

with eight brothers
and sisters, and it's time...

See, I want to live alone.

I didn't even know
you were coming.

Your father didn't call you?

Well, I'm sure he tried
and I just wasn't home.

Oh.

Well...I feel like a fool
to come here and bother you.

Goodbye, American cousin.
Nice to meet you.

Don't worry about me.
I know where I'm going.

Where are you going?
I don't know.

But this is America.
Open all night.

Uh, look, I can't just
turn you out into the cold.

You can stay--
Oh, thank you, thank you.

No, no, no.

That many thank yous
would be appropriate

if you were staying
a long time.

A day or two worth
of thank yous is plenty.

Thank you.

Look, you can stay a couple
of days until you get a job.

So sit down and help yourself
to the goodies.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Over there.

What this?

That's pink lemonade.

You have pink lemons?

Only in America.

Potato crumbs!
My favorite.

(GASPS)
Color TV.

Yeah, haven't you ever seen
color TV before?

Of course I have.
Don't be ridiculous.

Blue!

On second thought,
I've seen all these colors.

Green and red
are gonna be on later.

You might wanna
stay up and watch.

I think
I'll just hit the sack.

I think
I'll just hit a sack.

I don't have a sack.

Well, you can sleep on
the couch. Turns into a bed.

Of course it does!
This is America.

And don't worry about me.

Then, you shouldn't have a
problem. What's your profession?

I'm a professional sheepherder.

This is crazy.
A big city like Chicago

there is not
one single advertisement

in here for a sheepherder.

That's the way it goes.

What else do you do?

I am...a sheepherder.

My father was a sheepherder.

My grandfather
was a sheepherder.

The little baby--
I get the picture.

But you know,

For example,
I wanna be a photojournalist.

But then I've taken this job
to, to pay the bills.

You'll have to take a job
until an untended flock pops up.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Hello.
The Ritz.

What? Yeah.
Susan, calm down.

Yeah, well,
it's only a mouse.
They're cute.

Think of Mickey.

Mickey wouldn't try
to run up your leg.

Yeah, okay... Okay, okay.
I'll be right up.

I have to run upstairs

Balki, I want you to--
Want me to watch the store?

(REGISTER RINGING)

I want you to
watch the store.

Don't move.
Just stand there.
Can you do that?

You're not exactly pushing me
to my outer limits.

Stand there.

Ah!

That's the idea.

Uh...

Well, how much is it?

What the price tag says.

Well... You don't go by what
the price tag says, do you?

Of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.

What do you go by?

We'll, uh, negotiate.

You are the head man here,
aren't you?

Of course I am.

Come over here to me.

I'm not allowed to move.

* Oh what's love got to do
got to do with it

* What's love
but a second hand emotion

* What's love got to do
got to do with it

* Who needs a heart
when a heart can be broken *

Cousin Larry, don't you notice
anything different?

No.
Look. Look. Look!

You did?
All without moving.

Well, that's great!

poking animals
up the hill with a stick.

And here's the money!

Forty-five dollars.

That was a couple hundred
dollars worth of stuff.

Where's the rest?
That's it.

Well, there were price tags
on that stuff.

You don't go by
what's on the price tag.

You don't?

I bartered like we do
at the marketplace on Mypos.

Balki, don't you realize
what you've done to me?

Yes and you're welcome.

You know, I think I should look
for a job as a salesperson.

Well, stick around.

Cousin Larry?

Cousin Larry? Cousin Larry?

I'm so sorry.

Oh, bo bo bo.

Maybe Mr. Twinkacetti won't
notice these things are missing.

But you sold his hat rack.

Every day, the first thing
he does when he comes in

is put his hat on that rack.

Same damn thing every day.
Sunlight. It gets old.

(REGISTER RINGS)

Buy something or get out.

Where's the yo-yo?

Hi, Mr. Twinkacetti.
Rotten day, isn't it?

Why are you standing there
holding my hat on a stick?

Well, uh, technically,
it's a cane.

Well, uh, technically,
you're a jerk.

Where's my hat rack?

Mr. Twinkacetti.

I sold it.

Who are you?

My name is Balki, I'm Larry's
cousin, Philo, my fifth--

Who cares?
Why is he sellin' stuff?

Well, you wanna hear
a funny story?

No! Where's my money?

Forty five. Forty five bucks?
That hat rack was solid brass.

Where's the other 30?
That was my mistake.

But to make it up I won't charge
you for the hour I worked.

What a swell guy.

I want the rest of my money.

Mr. Twinkacetti,
he doesn't have it.

But I could pay you back
if you give me a job.

I can fix things.

Why not? I'm young.

you could sell it for
more money,
it's a good idea.

If I wanna hear a good idea

I'll go to a smarter source
than you.

Like a wedge of cheese.

I can fix anything.

It just hung there
all limp and dangly.

And if I came up and did that

it would flip around like
the tassels on a belly dancer.

And she would say to me,
"Balki, don't do that."

And I said, "You give me that."
This what we do.

We take some nice mud,
and we make a cast.

And dry in the hot sun.

And six months later, I took off
the cast and what do you think?

The finger
is no more limp and dangly.

It won't bend at all.

Just sticks out
like a nail in a board.

I like that story.

Now get outta here.

Mr. Twinkacetti,
give him a chance.

How else can he pay you back?

Out of the way.
Let's see. A-ha!

Fix this old radio
and he's got a job.

Now, that's not fair. That radio
hasn't worked for 40 years!

Take it or leave it.
He'll take it. Can you fix it?

Of course I can.
It's probably
just the picture tube.

There you go, 15 points.

"Mypos?"
I challenge that.

Mypos is a real country.

I have a little corner of it
growing on my dining room table.

Cousin, I need to take a break.

I never knew fixing a radio
could be so quiet.

Susan, this is the cousin
I was telling you about.

Balki, meet Susan.
She's our neighbor.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Would... Would it be
impolite to ask

if I could be
your slave for life?

Oh, well, uh,
hah, I think that's illegal.

Oh, he's cute.

This cute Mediterranean boy
means every groveling word.

Take me and do with me
as you will.

You're embarrassing Susan.
Stand up. Act like a man.

Go work on the radio.

Then I take you
in my thoughts.

I want to worship
your painted toenails.

Look, just leave with whatever
little dignity you have left.

Come on. Go.
Nice to meet you too.

I can die happy now.
Right.

He grovels great.

Sorry.

Oh, he's sweet. You know,
I hope he gets a job.

Susan, they haven't even made

parts for that radio
in 40 years.

Then he doesn't have a chance?
Well, I didn't say that.

See, Balki
doesn't know it but

and at the proper moment,
click "Dance Fever."

Twinkacetti will never know
the difference.

That's sneaky.
I know.

I'm very proud.

Good morning! Cheers!
On top of the day!

Well, you're in a good mood.

Today, I get
to laugh in a man's face.

Sounds like a good day to me.
Go for it, sport.

Balki, Balki.

Hey, grape leaf,
turn on the radio.

I...I fell asleep
before I got to test it.

But it'll work.
Balki fixed it.

You know it'll work,
and I know it'll work

but you don't.

You're gonna be so embarrassed
when that radio works--

Cousin Larry, what this?

Feeble.
Boy, that was feeble.

And you didn't think I'd
catch on? Ha ha! Turn it on!

All right.
Make yourselves ready.

(MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

LARRY: You did it.

You did it.
I did it!

You actually did it.
You did it.

(ALL CHEERING)

Look, look at this place.

I don't believe it.

What a great sound!
How much you want for it?

Three hundred.
Four hundred.

Five hundred bucks.
You got it.

Here's a $50 deposit.

And I'll go get my truck.
Yeah.

Can you fix...any radio?

Does Telly Savalas
love you, baby?

My friend, my pal,
these fingers.

Muah! Muah!

You not only have
a job here...

Muah!

I'll even pay
you...minimum wage. Shh!

Ah, boys, put this
little goldmine out

for our customer
to pick up.

On second thought, ah,
pinhead, do it yourself.

TWINKACETTI:
We wouldn't want
magic fingers here

to accidentally
hurt his hands... Oh.

Oh, Cousin Larry.

I help you anyway.
Thank you.

Of course. I tell you
where to put everything.

This goes right there.

And then we have
this amplifier to go on top.

And then, when you move
these two big speakers,

please be careful
because they're expensive.

You...you, uh...

You hooked all that stuff up
to that radio?

Of course. How else you got
to make it work? It was broke.

Mr. Twinkacetti,
something just occurred to me.

I just sold a thousand bucks
worth of equipment for 500?

Damn, it occurred to you too.

You!

You brought him here.
This is all your fault.

You got your
walking papers...buster.

Well, I hope you're happy.

Thank you.
I hope you're happy too.

Happy? Getting fired
does not make me happy.

Fired? He just gave you
official papers to
take a nice walk.

That's American for fired.

It's a colorful language,
isn't it?

What?

He can not do to you
what is my fault.

Mr. Twinkacetti. Ah!
Balki, Balki.

You come out here right now,
you unfair person.

And I mean maybe.

Ah.

You have something to say

You can't fire Larry.
He's a good person.

And if he goes, I go.

That goes without saying.

Now, I wanna see
heels going that way.

Not until I get
a few things off my neck.

You don't know
what kind of good fellow

you're dumping to the birds.

He was always loyal to you.

He make everything
perfect for you.

And you won't find
anyone to do better.

His only mistake
was to be good friend to me.

But the customer likes him,
and that's why they come back.

And if you let this good person
walk out that door,

you're makin'
one big mistake, ghost buster.

Thanks, but you're wasting
your time, Balki. Come on.

TWINKACETTI:
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, I, ah...

I was just thinking about
what the turnip said here, and

I'd be stupid to let either one
of you guys walk out that door.

You're both hired again.

We are?

Why?

Don't be ridiculous.

Yes. No.

It's because
you're both out of work persons.

And if you're not working,
I can't take $10 a week

out of your salary
to pay for the stereo stuff.

And the hat rack.
And all of this mess.

Gentlemen and turnip,

welcome to the wonderful
world of being in debt.

Ha ha ha.

Am I in debt?
Yep.

I'm a true American.

Well, Balki,
you got us our jobs back.

Well, where I come from
family sticks together.

Isn't this just like America?
Another happy ending.

Yeah.
We're buddies.

Yeah.
We're working together.

Yeah.
We're roommates.

We have to talk.

Now, you see, you couldn't have
this talk if you lived alone.

You need me.

And this may surprise you
but...I need you too.

You saved my life.

Well, it is nice to have
somebody to talk to.

You're welcome to stay until you
can afford a place of your own.

No problem.

I have a job now
that pays minimum wage. Shh!

and put my whole family
through college

I'm gone like a bird.

Balki, do you have any idea
how much minimum wage is?

Of course I do.
Don't be ridiculous.