People Just Do Nothing (2014–2018): Season 4, Episode 5 - Stags and Hens - full transcript

Miche, how you
getting on, babe?

OK, we're ready.

Oh, babe, look at you!

Oh, you look like a princess.

What like a proper one or a shit
boring one, like Kate Middleton?

No, you look like a natural one.
I mean, like a Disney one.

-Doesn't she?
-Yeah, you look lovely.
Beautiful.

-[director] So the marriage
is back on then?
-Yeah.

So I've still got my wedding
plan, so we're good to go.

I mean, Grindah still can't
believe how quickly I've
done it all, so...

He said I'm so organised
that it's insane.



It's actually just practical.

Have you got...
Have you sorted it?

No, I'm gonna see how
this looks and then...

-Cos I'm sure
it'll look good on him.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Then I'll just go from there
and decide what I'm gonna do.
-Yeah, yeah.

How we looking in there?
Is it looking good?

I can't wait to see
Grindah in his outfit.

He looks good in everything so
I know he's gonna look sick
in this outfit.

Definitely. Yeah. He looks like
a JD Sports model anyway.

Come on, let's see it then.

I think it's a bit much, man.

Yeah.

Turn around, Steves.

He's gonna hate it.



The colouring's wrong
for a start.

-It's more darker than that.
-More olive.

Yeah. And he's older now
so it's gonna be even darker

than when I last saw it.
Take it off.

-Try something else?
-Yeah. That's not gonna work.

-Stag, stag!
-Slag, slag, slag,
slag, slag, slag!

-Why do you keep saying slag?
-I thought we're saying "slag".

-No, "stag". Stag, stag, stag...
-Oh, stag!

Chabsie! You old cock-sniffer.

Guys, just keep it down.

I thought you were the boss,
do whatever you want.

I am the boss, definitely,
but just keep it quiet, yeah?

Anyway, what costume you lot
got, you bloody mentalist?

It's top secret.
You'll see it tonight.

You'll see it tonight, yeah?
Stag, stag...

-Steve, don't overdo it, mate.
Pick your moments.
-Sorry, it's my first one.

-Charlie?
-Yes, mate? Hi.

You were up for
some extra hours.

-Would you take a delivery
later? Be much appreciated.
-Yeah, no...

-Thanks, bud.
-Cheers, mate.

Thank you very much for
your hard work, continue.

-Crack it on.
-You gotta stay late for
a delivery or something?

No, mate, I'll get him to do it.
But I tell you what.

The way he was speaking to me,
yeah, it's just fucking
disrespectful, yeah?

He should know that I'm
the fucking boss around here.

-Why are you whispering?
-No, I'm just whispering cos
I don't wanna, like, alert...

-Charlie, would you help
out back, please?
-Yeah, yeah, sure, mate.

-I'll tell you what,
I'll help out back.
-Yeah.

-Yeah. OK, thanks.
-Charlie, stag, stag, stag!

[director] Are you looking
forward to the stag do?

-Oh, the stag. Yes.
-Course we are!

-Yeah, yeah.
-It's gonna be
a night all about me,

-designed by him.
-We're gonna wind
him up so much.

-You're not gonna wind me up.
-But that's a stag do, innit?

No. Don't make me look like...
Do you know what I mean?

I like having a laugh as much
as the next man, yeah,

but don't try laughing at me
on my own stag do, like.

That just takes the piss.

[all] Stag, stag, stag,
stag, stag, stag!

-[laughter]
-He loves it!

Stag, stag, stag, stag!

Do a turtle kick. Go.

Oh-ho, he's a turtle!

[laughter]

Oh, come on!

[laughter]

[director] Why are you
wearing the outfit?

It's Grindah's stag night
and he said the best man
has to wear the suit.

Exactly, I'm not wearing
that bollocks. Gonna look
like a twat all night.

-Meant to be having the night
of my bloody life.
-Just get in the way to be fair.

It's actually
really inconvenient.

-Come on, you love it.
-Yeah. Shall we get
some drinks in, anyway?

-Yeah.
-Bucas?

-OK.
-Is it my round?

-It's always your round, Steves.
-Bucas, yeah?

[all sing] ♪ When I saw you
girl from across the room ♪

♪ You had your eyes on me,
I had my eyes on you ♪

♪ Went to the bar
for a sambuca ♪

Hey, is buca, sambuca?

Steves, don't get bucas,
that's disgusting.

Get some proper drinks in.
Round of apple sourz.

-Yes! Apple sourz.
-Yes, come on.

Can't wait to get these
down my bloody throat. [laughs]

Just take it out of that.

[Steves] Since the
inheritance money came through,

I've actually been promoted
to Kurupt FM accountant.

[director] So do you pay
for everything as well?

Yeah, that's what an
accountant does, actually.

It's basically people
who work for the company.

They say to you, "You pay
for that now, cos you're
the accountant."

So very much the money man
of the operation.

-Did you get any beers?
-No, I thought you said
get apple sourz.

-Get the beers in,
Stevie, come on.
-Beers as well, yeah?

We're going mental tonight.

[Chabsie] Marky Mark.

-How you doing? You all right?
-Yeah. Good, thanks.

Listen, I was wondering if you
could do me a really big
favour, mate.

You know that delivery that's
coming later on, could
you possibly stay for it?

No, I can't,
I've got stuff on later. Sorry.

-What, like, what stuff?
-Just stuff, you know?

No, I don't know. Why don't you
tell me, mate? Because I've
got this stag coming up.

It's quite important,
so, like, please.

Yeah, I gotta go pick up some
medicine for my mum. She's sick.

Well, what's wrong with her?

Sorry, mate. No, that's
bang out of order.

[Carol] Oh, my fucking God!
Look at the size of it!

Oh, here comes the bride!

-You got me a Hummer!
-Yeah. The one
you told me to get.

Yeah, not exactly. The image
reference I sent you was a pink
one but, yeah, not to worry.

-I couldn't find a pink one.
-It's fine. It shouldn't
ruin it, so...

Miche did choose me
to be her Maid of Honour,

which was a surprise,
definitely.

Yeah, we're always surprising
each other, aren't we?

I mean, that's just what
best friends do.

I can't be your
best friend, can I?

-I surprised you again, bestie!
-Oh, you got me.

-Put these on, babe?
-No, this isn't some cheap,
tacky hen do. We got a Hummer.

[director]
Who's organised the hen do?

It's sort of a mix of the two
minds, isn't it? Mostly mine.

-Yeah, mostly yours.
-With a little
sprinkling of you.

Can you have a little word
with Jackie as well.

I'm not sure about
what she's wearing.

It's not part of the colour
palette we agreed.

-If you just wanna
have a quick...
-No, I'll do that.

Roche hasn't really been
to parties before,

so I'm teaching her about
how to have fun and
sort of going out,

and that kinda thing, so,
yeah, we've done a lot of brain
storming on what a night out is.

-Just cos it's not pink.
-OK, stick those in the bag.

-Are you in? OK.
-Smile!

-Miche! Whooo, Miche!
-Back to pout.

Fish face.

-Right, now in, come on.
-OK.

Oh, come on, it's all right.

Can I just say, this is the
comfiest thing I've ever sat on.

We're gonna have
a good night tonight!

Yay!

Down your throat. Oooh!

Really lukewarm.
Absolutely mental, you are.

Oh, what's going on here
then, mate?

What, are you Grindah?

-Oh! OK.
-No, that's Grindah.

I see what's going on.
You absolute bastard, Beats.

Yes, I am he.
Please go easy on me.

Why are you in
the costume then?

-Cos he said I had to wear it.
-You're here for me, so...

A stripper is one
of the most important
things on a stag night.

I went for the one that
looked most like Miche,

cos I think he'd like that.
Got the number from
a phone box. Old school.

-Come on.
-Are we going to a hotel or you
wanna do me in the toilets here?

What? Just normal, on the table,
in front of everyone.

Oh, shit!

I'm really sorry. My mistake.

I thought you was a stripper. I
didn't realise you were actually
a fully blown prostitute.

Uh! You got me a brass.

-Disgusting.
-It's not disgusting,
actually, thank you very much.

Well, I'm not going anywhere
near that, cos I don't know
what you might have.

-I don't know what
you might have.
-I haven't got anything.

Clean as a whistle.

Well, anyone else?

Someone can come with me.
You might be quick.

Yeah, Steves'll do it.
Go on, Steves.

Can I just pay you to not
to have to do anything?

Well, you can do, yeah. You
can give me some money, that's
all right. Yeah, all right then.

All right, I'll just pay you
and then we don't have to.

-No, that's fine.
Just give the money.
-It's 140, Steves.

No, it's 160, actually.
We said 160 on the phone.

-I think there's
another couple.
-Another one of those?

-Thank you. Nice to meet you.
-Yeah, and you.

Thank you. [coughs]

Fucking hell, I thought you
was gonna get me a stripper
and a sick night and that.

Sitting in fucking pubs
with prostitutes.
Worst night of my life.

-Hurray!
-Woo-hoo!

I wish I'd worn something I
could flash with, lift it up.

Guys, no. Guys, sorry, no!

You're spoiling the look.
We want everyone to think
we're high-class celebrities.

-I'm only having a laugh.
-Let's just have a bit of this
"Proseccio" and enjoy ourselves.

No, I'm all right, thanks.

Take a glass for the photos
and it'll look like you're fun.

-Everyone want a drink?
-Fuck it, I'll have
a little one.

[all] Whoooo!

Right, I'm off, mate.
See you tomorrow.

Yeah, all right, mate. Hope
your mum gets better, yeah?

Yeah, cool.

Dickhead!

Grindah said he wanted the
best night of his life and
that's what I'm gonna give him.

[mobile buzzes]

-Yes, mate?
-[Beats] Where you at, mate?

No, I'm still waiting
for this bhenchod delivery.

What's the name of
that strip club you go to?

-Oh, you're going titty bar.
-Yeah, if we can find it.

OK, listen, don't go
to the Blue Lion, OK?

Go to the one
behind Soho Street.

They have more intense
lighting so it's a bit more HD.

We're next to the theatre in
Centrals. Where do we go now?

-Which way is it?
-Left.

-Where now? Right?
-Oh, for fuck's sake, Beats!

-No, left.
-We just came from there!

-Is it this way or not?
-Is it this way or not?

-No! He doesn't know
where we are.
-Is it at the end of this road?

Tell Chabsie I said
stag, stag, stag!

No, it's down there.
See you in a bit, Chabs.

All right, in a bit,
in a bit. Bye.

Come on!

It's straight down the end here,
through the alleyway.

-Definitely?
-Oh-ho!

Someone's going strip club
and it's me.

Strip club!

-Put it down, it's dirty.
-Oh.

-[Carol] Ooh, hello!
-Oh, we're nearly at karaoke!

Roche, are you OK to pop ahead,
hon, and make sure everything's
all ready for us?

-Yeah, I'll do a soundcheck.
-Thanks, bestie. It's perfect.

I haven't got drunk
since I got pregnant, really.

So I'm a bit worried that if
I get back into it, I'll start
enjoying it a bit too much.

You know what it's like, right?
One minute you're having
a couple of Stellas,

next thing you know you've
blacked out and put a brick
through Craig's dad's window.

Who's gonna go first? I got
the perfect song to get us
all started.

-Yeah, well, I'm doing Biggie.
-No. Sorry, no, no, no.

No one's singing what they want.
I've already got it planned out.

You just need to get in there
and just have some fun.

-Oh, my God!
-All right, well,
Roche is gonna go first.

-Yeah, run ahead, perfect, yeah.
-I'll run out.

-All right, I'm going.
-Oh, my God, I can't
believe we're here!

God, that was good, wasn't it?

Yeah, that was nice wasn't it?
A little lap round Brentford.

[Roche] I decided to have
the hen at my house

because I couldn't be fucked
with all the intense planning.

Craig, have you done
that soundcheck?

Just make sure it's
working, yeah?

I would rather stick up a few
lights in my living room,

than go round every single
karaoke bar in London
with Miche.

-I'll get a drink, baby.
-Just follow all the arrows
to the fun.

-Hey, fun!
-All right?

[Roche] Plus, if they
start doing my head in,

I can always escape
upstairs to bed.

-We agreed on...
-Oh, yeah. No, I know.

His girlfriend's upstairs.
They're not gonna disturb us.

I'll just lock them in his room
once he's got a snack, yeah?

-Sooner rather than later.
-OK.

-Yes!
-Lovely, lovely!

Craig, mate?
He's got a girlfriend!

I thought you were
the stripper.

And he's going upstairs,
but this is all sorted, yeah?

-That's fine, yeah, yeah.
-Thanks. Thanks, mate.

Let's leave Craig and
come over here, yeah?

[Miche] Do you like it?
Speech, speech, speech!

Speech, speech! OK,
so I'm gonna do the speech,
so take a seat everyone.

-Oh, right!
-Pop yourselves down.

I thought you were gonna do it
on behalf of the bride.

Oh, I'll have a Prosexy, yeah.

-Let's do the speech first.
-All right.

So, welcome, everyone, to my
hen party. Such a pleasure
to have you all here.

So I'm gonna be hosting
the evening along with
my Maid of Honour,

and I'd love to give her a big
round of applause to thank her
for the use of her venue

for our lovely fun hen party.
Thank you, Roche.

-Lovely, darlin'.
-Lovely decorations.

-Well, I didn't really...
I mean, it's not me.
-When did you find the time?

-Well, I haven't done...
That was all Miche.
-That's all me.

Miche put all this stuff up -
those pictures of Miche
on my wall.

-Yeah.
-I mean, that's...

That is a lot of effort,
isn't it?

If anyone wants to take
any pictures of anything,

feel free to put up
on your socials.

Use the hashtag
"Miche's hen do", please.

-So the whole world knows.
-OK.

-Shall we get the drinks now?
-What you fancy?

-Just a cocktail.
-Just a cocktail?

[dance music plays]

Oh, my days.
This is fucking sick.

All right?

Sick!

-Steve, you got any money?
-Yeah.

-Give him a tenner as well.
-Fucking hell.

Thank you.

-No, you chuck it on 'em.
-Chuck it.

Thank you.

-So... No, that's my one.
-That was, like, 80 quid.

-Oh, let's go to the bar.
-Yeah, let's go to the bar.

-Weird.
-Thanks very much. Cheers.

-There's chicks everywhere.
-I know.

-Oh, mate!
-Oh. Bang on it as well.

What you saying?
You all right, yeah? Grindah.

That's Beats.
Steves, get the drinks in.

-Hello, Mr Turtle.
-I love turtles.

-Give us a twirl.
-Let's see your shell.

-[both] Oh!
-Shell! You like a dickhead!

He looks cute.

-You boys on a stag do?
-Yeah, I'm not the stag though.

-No, I'm the stag.
-Why is he wearing the outfit?

-Just cos he's the best man.
-He's the fun one.

I'm the fun one and if you
took me for a dance then you
might see how bloody fun I am.

-He is well fun.
-Boys, I'm just
gonna go over there.

-There's a VIP bit or something.
-Do a bit, Stevie!

So you gonna have a dance
then, Mr Turtle?

-Erm...
-He doesn't want to dance.

-He needs the toilet.
-You need the toilet?

-No, I'm good, I'm all right.
-No, you do need the toilet.

-You all right?
-Yeah, he needs a shit,
let's go.

-You're gonna
come back then, yeah?
-Definitely coming back, yeah.

-Make sure you come back.
-I'm definitely coming back.

We're both coming back.
See you girls in a bit, yeah?

-Yeah.
-Bye, Mr Turtle.

-Come back.
-Bye.

-They were on you, man.
-No, they weren't. They were
chatting to you the whole time.

That's how girls flirt.
They chat to their mate more
than the guy they fancy.

They don't. Ain't got a clue.
Now, come in here.

Where are they? Come on!

Oh, fuck it! You know what?
I can't wait. I can't wait.

Yeah, you know what,
sometimes...

you work the bloody
nine to five,

you're bloody chasing
that Yankee dollar.

You just wanna get away and
have a bit of fun, mate. Yeah?

Some people go to the footie,
they watch their bloody
favourite team.

"Come on up your reds!" and
that. Me, I like to escape
in the titty bar, you know?

You gotta treat a titty bar
like your local.
It's like your regular.

Come on, man.
Where are these bhenchods?

They're eating into
my titty time!

I'll walk in, "Hey...

How's Bianca doing?

How's the Caesarean
scar healing up?"

So, you know, you have
to know your local place

if you wanna have a good
stag do, you know?

-So it's karaoke time, everyone!
-Oh, blinding, Miche, oh!

Roche, can you hurry up with
the drinks please, hon?

It's actually me
and Roche up first.

-Are we?
-Yeeeah!

Come on down!
Yeah, great. Ready?

-Got your mic?
-Yeah.

Come on, Roche!
Come on, Roche!

-That's fizzy that, innit?
-Yeah, it is.

So the reason that I picked
this song is actually,

because it's not only about
mine and Grindah's love story,

but I think it applies to mine
and Roche's friendship as well.

-Does it?
-Yeah. Well, listen
to the lyrics.

♪ Come a long way ♪

♪ But we're not too sure
where we've been ♪

♪ Had good times ♪

♪ We've had success ♪

[dance music plays]

-Look all right?
-Yeah, yeah. No, it looks good.

-Yeah?
-Fits well, yeah.

-You ready for a dance now?
-[Beats laughs] Erm...

Notice anything different?

Love your new outfit.
Looks really, really smart.

-Well, I'm the turtle now, so...
-Chill out, Donatello.

It's not Donatello, it's Rafael.

You do actually look
quite cute as a turtle.

-Yeah, exactly.
-Come with me, boys.

Great, so two men
is basically gay then.

Can we do it
separately at least,

so we don't make eye contact
or touch knees or whatever?

To be honest with you, strippers
scare me, in general.

Jesus Christ!

Like anybody that's that
confident in their body

is not to be trusted.

A little fact for you, actually.

Roche's never seen me
with my T-shirt off.

Bloody bastards! Get out
the way. Get out the way.

Come on!

Put it there.

Put it there. Cheers, mate.
Thank you, good work.

-No worries, man.
-Good work.
Andale, andale, andale!

Juldi, juldi, juldi!

All right. Good one, yeah?
See you later, mate.

-See you later, mate. Cheers.
-Right, OK. Come on,
let's go, let's go.

OK.

Go titty bar.

All right. [chuckles]

Titty bar!

Next up on the karaoke is...
Tanya!

-I couldn't! I can't.
-Go on, babe, go on!

No, Tanya, you have to,
cos you're next on
the schedule, so up you come.

-Go on, Tanya!
-Whoo!

OK, what am I singing?

Just to let everyone know
that I chose this song

because once Grindah brought
me some flowers and a vase.

-Oh, that's sweet.
-Yeah, it's a great memory.

-Wait. Can you hear that?
-[banging]

-What the fuck is that?
-[banging and groaning]

Oh, my God! [laughs]

It's two floors up, Roche.
I'm not...

-We need to stop it.
-All right, fuck it.

Fuck all this! I am not
letting Craig have
more fun than me.

-Whoo!
-Right? Let's put the music on.

Put the music on,
we're gonna have some fun.

Miche, I want you to have fun.

If we're sitting
listening to my son

-pounding away at
some anonymous woman...
-Oh, don't!

Then that is not fun, right?
If she is getting it,
we're having cocks too.

-Yes, Roche!
-Everybody get your dicks out!

No, no.

-No.
-There you go.

No. Sorry, this isn't the sort
of fun we're meant to be having.

-So let's put that all away.
-Come on, Miche!

-You're only
at a hen party once.
-[Carol] Not necessarily, baby.

Everyone, let's do it.

Dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks!

Dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks!

-You want another one?
-Er, yeah, we do.

-Yeah? Well, next time...
-Quick, quick.

How was it?

-God, mate!
-Mine was well safe as well.

No. Not safe. I mean, she was
literally staring in my eyes
the whole time,

and kept saying, like, that
she wanted me to stay
for another dance,

cos she couldn't get enough
of me. It was like
she was obsessed with me.

I may never get this
opportunity again.

If I don't go for it, I might
regret it for the rest
of my life.

Bruv, like...
Maybe I'm rushing into this
whole marriage thing, right?

-What?
-Yeah.

She kept saying there was
something about me
and she's right.

Look at her. She can get
anyone she wants in here
and she chose me.

-What about Miche though?
-You gonna buy me that
drink then or what?

So, Beats, I'm gonna have to...

Could I get, erm...?

-Champagne, please.
-OK, yeah.

[Grindah] Listen, life's full
of big decisions, yeah?
Make one wrong turn,

bang, you can regret
that shit forever, yeah?

The main thing to do is never
admit that you've made
that wrong move.

That way, you'll have
no regrets in life.

So, Jackie, there's no need
to interfere with any of that.

I've picked all the songs that
you want to sing. Just need
to enjoy yourself, yeah?

Great. What we having?

-Vodka.
-Very good.

Cheers. Whole fucking jug!
I nearly fucking went then.

Best friends shot time.
There you go, you know.

Stare into my eyes.
What colour are your eyes?

Brown. Really nice,
very chocolatey.

'Ere, babe? What time's
the stripper coming?

Yeah, no, we're not
having a stripper, Mum.

You've gotta have your
stripper though, babe.

-Maybe we should just
fuck it and get one.
-Do you think?

Don't you feel like we're
going a bit too mental?

Miche? As your best mate,

I can honestly say we are
going nowhere near too mental.

-Come on.
-♪ ..Think I'm bonkers ♪

-This is not on the list.
-♪ I just think I'm free ♪

♪ Man, I'm just living my life,
there's nothing crazy about me ♪

-What's going on?
-Go, Jackie!

♪ Some people play for thrills,
but I get mine for free ♪

Where the fuck is he, man?

I reckon he might
have gone with her.

He's all right.
He's having a good time, innit?

He's been an hour and a half.
That's like three grand.

It's Steve's money anyway.

I'm gonna go and have
a look for him, yeah?

Grindah!

Oi!

-Oh, sorry.
-Get out.

Grindah!

Grindah! Oi, where's Grindah?

I dunno. What do you mean?

What are you doing?
Why are you dancing?

Felt a bit weird just
her dancing on her own.

Come on, man,
we need to find him.

-What do you mean?
-He's going mad.
Come on, let's find him.

-Steve!
-Sorry. Gotta go.

Nice one. See you later.
Keep working on the gun fingers.

Grindah!

-Grindah!
-Grindah!

Oh, Monica. How you doing?

Listen, I've only got
a tenner here.

Can you do pay as you go,
just last time?

-Grindah!
-Grindah!

-Grindah!
-Seen my mate?
He's dressed as a turtle.

-Tenner, like, two minutes.
-Chabsie.

-Can you do that thing where you
make your arse flap really fast?
-Chabs.

-Yeah.
-I can't find Grindah, man.

-He's run off with
a fucking stripper.
-Listen, mate, tell me about it.

Been there, done that, bought
the T-shirt, she robbed the
T-shirt and fucked off, mate.

-Yeah, I know, but...
Oh, there she is.
-Grindah!

-Oi, where's Grindah? What
have you done with him?
-What?

Don't play dumb with me. You
know exactly what I'm talking
about. Where is he?

-Are you fucking joking?
-You fell in love with him.

-Who?
-Grindah!

-Oh, my God, are you joking?
-Gorgeous, green eyes.

You think I fell in love
with him? That's my job.

-I tell everyone that
they've got beautiful eyes.
-What?!

-Can you just get these pricks
out of my face, please?
-All right.

-Everything's fine.
-She's ruining
my mate's marriage.

-Oh, yeah! Come on, get out!
-Come on, boys.

-Out you get.
-I'm a regular, Gazzy,
Guzzle. Ten pounds.

-I don't want it. What,
you think I'm a stripper?
-No, no, no.

-You could be if you wanted to.
-Come here!

-Come here!
-Aah!

-Come here.
-Oh, watch the ponytail!
It's insured, bhenchod!

-Aaah! Aaah!
-Go on.

He might still be in there.
Can I just check?

-No. You're not going in there.
-Come on, mate.

-Just wanna check.
-I'm a regular. Come on,
one dance, just me.

-Has he texted any of you lot?
Decoy, has he texted you?
-Nah.

I'll tell you what, shall we
go to another titty bar

and then he can
just meet us there?

Nah.

-I feel like I let him down.
-[Steves] No, man.

That was well safe earlier
when you got him
a prostitute and that.

You got him a prostitute?
What was she like?

I'll tell you one thing, mate.
She doesn't look like
she does on the card.

Do you think
he's still in there?

He loved it,
from what I saw, like.

I think he was having
a good time.

[Grindah] The thing is, yeah?
Like, I didn't think
she was my one and only before,

cos I always thought there's
better birds out there and
that, and there is, but,

it's just, you never really
see 'em, so just settle
for what you've got.

-[director] Settle for?
-Yeah.

Settle, that's a positive.
I feel settled right now.

I'm calm. I am karma.

♪ There's no way
he could mistake ♪

♪ For you that
Are you insane? ♪

♪ See I no good, you maybe ♪

-♪ Just a bit jealous of... ♪
-What the fuck you doing here?

-Shh, I'm here to see Miche.
-You all right?

Yeah. I've had a revelation.

I choose you over everyone.
I don't want anyone else.

-Oh, he's just figured out
what marriage is about.
-Shut up, Mum!

-What's happened?
-Tonight's made me
realise what I've got.

Really, really good looks,
and there's gonna be
temptations out there,

-but I don't wanna
fuck this up ever again.
-OK.

Me, neither. I like
your tortoise costume.
You look really cute.

'Ere, maybe he could give us
a little dance, yeah, in your
sexy little costume.

It's not sexy.
It's a Ninja Turtle, so...

-He's quite buff under
that Lycra, in't he?
-Yeah, look at his little bum!

-You can't see my bum,
the shell's covering it.
-You could be our stripper!

-Yeah, go on.
-It's easy to be a stripper,
it's easy.

-Go on, show us your legs.
-Ooh, it's hard, isn't it?

Oh, that's so hard,
isn't it? Yeah?

-Look at him!
-He's good, in't he? It saves
us having to pay for one.

-Look at him!
-There's just nothing to it.

-OK.
-Yay!

This is every girl's dream,
innit?

-Oh, perfect!
-Ooh, you like that?

[Tanya] Grindah by name,
grinder by nature!

-Ooh, hello.
-Off! Off! Off! Off!

-Want me to take it
off do you? Yeah?
-Yeah! Whooo!

-Whoooo!
-Put the shell
between your legs.

[Miche] I think the future
for me is all about getting
a much bigger house.

Then have lots of bedrooms in it
so we can have lots of little
Grindahs and Miches.

[Grindah] Well, yeah,
I mean, don't need to talk
about that now.

It's a dream come true to me
getting Miche back.

And I just feel like,
you know, live in the moment,
do you what I mean, like?

[Miche] Yeah. And then look
forward to the future
of having...

-[Grindah] Yeah, look forward...
-[Miche] ...a family.

Yeah. Yeah, definitely.
One day.

-Whoo!
-Go on, Michey!

-Look at that!
-Grindah! Grindah!

[Grindah laughs]
I'm good at this, ain't I?

I'm good at this. Yeah. Yeah.

-So, you live round here?
-Yeah, sort of. Erm...

-I'm kinda in between
addresses at the moment.
-Oh, me too.

-Yeah, it's hard, isn't it?
-Yeah, it's just here actually.

So if you just
jump in the van, really.

-What, in the back?
-Yeah, I've got everything
sorted, you'll see.

Oh.

-Oh, yeah. Oh.
-Yeah.

So, what's your name again?

Er, my name?
Erm, my name's, er...Charlie.

-You look a bit like
a Charlie, actually.
-Yeah.

Can you do a Polish accent?

No.