Peep Show (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 2 - Man Jam - full transcript

I'm not sick but I'm not well
And I'm so hot
Cos I'm in hell.
(JEREMY) 'Wow, me and Hans in a band.
'First jam with the Man Feelings.
'Only thing is, why did I say I could play the sax?
'I can't play the sax.
'I could manage a couple oftoots, it's basically a big metal kazoo.
'How come Denton got the bongos?
'It's not fair, anyone can bang shit.
'Give a chimpanzee a double espresso and you've got a drummer.
'Got to enter the jam.'
'Got to enter the jam.' DISCORDANT SQUEAK
'Well, that was a disaster, but can't back down now.'
TUNELESS SQUEAKING
Jez, mate, can you stop jamming?
You can't stop someone from jamming, that's against jam law.
Dude, that's not jam, that's just total fucking marmalade.
OK, I'm gonna stop jamming now,
but only because my jam is complete and I wish to have a cup of tea.
'Yeah, take that, little do they know
'I'm actually probably gonna have a coffee.'
'Got to have the equipment when the baby comes to stay.
'The empty buggy. I feel like a maniac who's just dumped his baby
'in the corner of JD Sports with a rusk and ten euros taped to it.'
I've been hanging out here quite a bit since I got made redundant.
It's cool.
It's cool. Yeah, it is...cool.
'More like a honey trap for social retards.
'When the Normalo Nazis firebomb these places,
'the geek race will be wiped out forever.'
So, what was the amazing Dobby news that you had to tell me in person?
Well, the news is, Mark...
Don't do the X Factor on me, Gerard.
Dobby's got a boyfriend.
Dobby's got a boyfriend. Oh, God! Really?
His name's Simon. He's younger, slimmer,
better-looking and more fashionable than us.
better-looking and more fashionable than us. 'Us? I'm several social ranks your senior.
'That's the whole basis of our relationship, Gerard.'
So, what's he like?
So, what's he like? Graphic designer.
Oh, please! "Hello, can I redesign your logo?"
"Yes, that'll be 100,000 for a squiggle."
'Wish I was a graphic designer.'
'Wish I was a graphic designer. ' And he drives an Audi.
But of course, Vorsprung Dick Technik!
But of course, Vorsprung Dick Technik! 'Wish I had an Audi.'
Maybe it's a wake-up call.
Maybe for guys like us, Dobby was always a pipe dream.
Maybe for guys like us, Dobby was always a pipe dream. 'Don't pull me into your filthy bath water, I'm a player!'
It may surprise you to know, but the truth is, until I was 26,
I'd never been with a woman.
Yes, you do surprise me.
'You've been with a woman?'
I guess over the years I've had a bit of a tough time with the ladies.
Really?
Really? I've done some mad shit, though.
I remember this one time at Uni, I was trying it on with this chick
and getting nowhere, so I pulled the old palm-reading routine.
Physical contact. Ended up going back to her place. Sweet.
God, really?
God, really? Oh, yeah.
'Then talked to her about my mother's suspected infidelities until I cried.'
I've got a million stories like that.
I've got a million stories like that. Huh. Oh, wow! They've got Stalin.
What?
They haven't had Uncle Joe in for a while.It's nice detail.
Yeah, the detail's not bad.
'Danger, Mark.'
'Danger, Mark.' It's all right, Mark, they're not toys.
They're just models of historical interest.
Wow, look, FDR!
Right, God! Well, they're not really my thing, so...
If you bought FDR, we could get together and model Yalta.
Yeah? I mean...
I suppose, if you were really... keen.
'I do want the FDR doll, but is it crossing a line?
'Oh, my God, my heart's racing.
'It's like when I bought my first 20-sided die.'
I'd like to buy an FDR doll, please.
Of course.
Of course. It's for my son, he's a big fan of the New Deal, so...
Just grab us a couple of Cybermen while you're up on your stoolthere.
They'renot for playing with.
No, just going to keep them in mint condition in their boxes.
Yeah, course you are, mate.
We wanted to say thank you
for being there for Zahra while I was unconscious.
for being there for Zahra while I was unconscious. Oh, no worries.
'How can I steal your girlfriend? How can I steel your girlfriend?'
I tell you, though, man, my pace of life.
Sometimes you need to pull a coma just to chow down on some chilling.
Word.
'I liked you a lot more when you were unconscious.'
'That was a great look for you.'
'That was a great look for you. ' We want to show you our gratitude, Jez.
Mmm, we want to make you an offer.
Mmm, we want to make you an offer. 'Threesome? Probably.
'Like being offered a tiramisu and a dead kitten on the same plate.'
Did Zahra tell you about my website? It's a music portal.
Five-figure hit rate. Hey, I must be doing something right.
'Massive twat!'
I've always believed the internet is actually going to be pretty big.
I could use someone to do website management.
'I don't want a job.'
I don't work there, but I'm around all the time. It's like a family.
I would like a job.
You'll be focused on keeping the portal ticking over,
but you'd get a little pot for developing new artists.
but you'd get a little pot for developing new artists. I'd be...head of the label?
Yeah, I guess, Jez, you'd be head of the label. Great, well, er...
'This is brilliant! I could do the job, have an affair,
'juggle them both till it all blows up in my stupid face!'
Yes, Shakira, I'm Jeremy, and you're actually very much too poppy
for my taste. But if you suck this, I might put you out on my label.
Put FDR next to Stalin, like that, and I can put a cyber man here.
Doof, doof, doof, doof, doof, doof, doof.
What's that?
That's just cyber man attacking Roosevelt.
I feel uneasy about the noises, Gerard. Anyway, would a cyber man attack Roosevelt?
He's a cyber man, Mark, he's devoid of all human emotion,
concerned only with the preservation of his own race,
of course he'd attack Roosevelt. Doof, doof, doof, doof.
Oh, hi, Jez.
Sorry to interrupt you playing, boys.
We're not, we're just arranging our models with some noises.
Anyway, what are you doing back from your new job so early? Fired already?
I'm back so early because I have the coolest job in the world, and Ben is the coolest boss in the world.
I asked him when I should come in tomorrow, and he said, "Whenever you can make it."
His motto is, "The work never starts".
That's his motto? What's his annual turnover?
Who gives a shit? We don't make money, money makes us.
What does that even mean?
It means I'm going to light up a fatty and crack open my brand new X-Box.
Good luck with the regression session.
Look, I'm sorry if, in an infantilised world I've somehow ended up with the non-cool toys,
but why exactly is arranging a model of the greatest liberal
hero of the 20th Century somehow less cool than pretending
on a computer that you're a Russian pimp stealing imaginary cars?
I dunno, dude, I don't make the rules.
Enjoy playing soldiers and wanking over Dobby on Facebook.
Oh, for God's sake, Jeremy, that's disgusting.
Did you ever actually...
Well, you know, on occasion.
Corfu '06? It's cool, man.
I mean, I've never actually gone that far myself, but...
Everything's cool in Dobby Club.
'Oh, we're the Dobby Club, or Dobby Ring. Can two people be a ring?'
Doof, phrrrrroof.
♪ I am in loco parentis
♪ I am the last remaining contestant on The Apprentice
♪ I am the home-trained dentist
♪ I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, yeah. ♪
Shall we go and join the happy couple?
Why ever not?
'Relationship commandos, wreaking havoc behind enemy lines.'
Hi guys, thanks for tipping us off about tonight. Mental!
'Our pleasure.'
Yeah, the band were incredible.
Yes, we saw you dancing.
Weren't they amazing?
Sorry, Dobs, did you really...?
I thought we were dancing sarcastically.
Oh, no, that was my real dancing.
Did you not like them?
That was your actual dancing?
Yes, it's funny, isn't it, when one half of a couple likes something,
but the other just doesn't get it?
Well, opposites attract.
'The cracks are starting to show! The cracks are starting to show!'
So, listen, you know, since you invited me out of the band, I've got this job.
Yeah, we heard. Yeah, it's great you could make it down.
Bit of a weird one, we had to... invite you out the band.
Yeah, well, eggs is eggs. 'Is that a thing?'
Obviously I've got this development pot.
So, what, you might sign us? Like we even care.
Look, you're on my radar. 'Ha-ha, I'm the Emperor now!'
But...the look's not really working for me.
What...
kind of look d'you think we should go for?
I was thinking... 'What was I thinking?' Zoot suits.
Zoot suits?
Definitely zoot suits, and... Also the name. I mean Man Feelings?
That's our USP, cos we're all men, and we have feelings.
We're a group of men with feelings who play in a band.
We're like the Chilli Peppers, or the...
can't think of another band full of dudes right now, but...
there are loads.
Mmm, I was thinking something more distinctive.
Like what?
Like... Danny Dyers Chocolate Homunculus.
Danny Dyers Chocolate Homunculus?
Is it a deal breaker?
It could be a deal breaker.
It's certainly a game changer. 'Oh, I sound so important.'
Suit yourselves, boys, I've got other fish to fry in my frying pan.
'Sweet exit line.
'Now, to find the exit. I can't really see a thing with these on.
'Ooh, can I turn that into a little dance? No, play it cool.'
Jez, look, if you sign us,
I'll persuade them about the suits and go with the name. Deal?
Yeah, there is one other thing.
Your bongo guy...
He sucks ass. You need a shit hot bongista,
and I think I know where to find one.
You get me?
Nice work, bringing up renewable energy, Gerard.
Looks like they're having a full and frank discussion.
Simple bit of research. Someone's winning out of climate change.
But listen, Mark, we ought to decide, you know, if it breaks down,
which of the Dobby Club gets first dibs on Dobs.
Oh, right, yeah, good point.
'This is it, this is my Yalta.
'Dobby's Poland, I'm wily Stalin, out-foxing sickly FDR.'
What say you to a coin toss?
Why not? 'Except, is FDR dead by Yalta?
'Gerard's Truman with the A-bomb.
'Relax Mark, not actually at Yalta.'
Heads or tails?
Heads, obviously. 'If I win, I win.
'If I lose, I'll simply ignore it.
'Stalin's prerogative.'
Oh, heads. You win, Mark.
Too bad. Well, to this unshakable pact of brothers,
do we swear enduring honour? Yes?
Dobby. Where in cyberspace are you?
No updates for 72 hours.
Is this a bit like stalking?
Stalking's a very loaded term.
I prefer to think of it as extreme liking.
Hiya.
Jez? It's 12 on a Saturday
and you're up, you've been out. Are you tripping?
Ben rang at seven, he wanted me to go into the office.
But I thought work never starts.
Yeah, well, apparently work never starts, but work never stops.
Never stops?
He's got me by the Blackberries.
Turning it off is a sackable offence.
If I go to a funeral I can switch it to vibrate.
Well, that's something.
Plus, it turns out the website,
you know, it's really mainly about the merch.
Merch?Merchandise. Ben says, "I'm all about the merch.
"Cut me and I bleed merch." I can't believe I had him at my mercy
in the hospital and I let him go.
If I'd known he was such an arsehole, I'd at least have given
his tube a little waggle.
Yeah, murdering your enemies is quite a simple solution,
which, I guess, is why in ethics and law it's so frowned upon.
He wasn't even there, it was just me and the servers.
After a while I started to pretend that I was a robot, and then...
I sort of couldn't remember whether
I was a robot, or not, so I had to get out of there.
Anyway, I nicked you some manila envelopes, cos I know you like
to stockpile them and...
Ooh, Mark, is that OK, by the shredder?
Can babies go by shredders?
Yes, of course. Safest place for him.
Stable temperature.
Plus, if there was an earth tremor, which obviously there isn't going to be, he's got added protection.
Ah!
I've got him for the day. It's amazing, the bond.
Earlier I was changing him, and he pissed all over me.
No ill feeling. Nothing.
Wow! Cos you... you're pretty uptight. I mean you hate people pissing on you.
Exactly. Plus, if you went for him now I'd stab you.
Great. That's nice.
Stab you in the eyes.
Yeah, all right, I get the picture.
Hey, watch this. Time me.
Imagine the cushion is the baby.
D'you see? If there was a bus coming, I could strip this beauty in under five seconds.
Great. Tea?
'Course he's happier with the kit, I bet he wishes the baby was a mortar round.'
Oh, no milk.
Not black tea, I'm not some kind of monster.
Hello, the human cow.
Why not? Luxury milk.
Lady milk, because you deserve it!
Jeremy, come. Come and look at this.
You have to come and look at this, now!
If it's another alleged error on Nikita Khrushchev's Wikipedia page,
then I can't say I'm getting very worked up about it.
This was taken less than half an hour ago.
So?
Dobby's updated.
She's not in a relationship,
but she is at her bloody sister's birthday do with Gerard.
Right?
He's done the dirty on me, Jez, he's making a mockery of our Granita moment. He's Blairing me.
You're no Brown, Mark. Your hands are made of flesh and blood.
Gordon Brown didn't actually have a metal fist, it was just...
No? I thought there was something wrong with his arm, or his...
Yeah? Wasn't there?
Hold on. I didn't think we had any milk.
Er, no, we do.
No, cos I couldn't have any Sultana Bran this morning.
There's no milk in the fridge.
Except...
Oh!
Mark, relax.
This is Sophie's milk, isn't it?
Think of it as lady milk from the human cow.
Jeremy, this... it's... it's one step away from cannibalism!
Oh, right, so it's weird to drink milk from someone you know,
but to drink milk from another species,
some cow that you've never met, that's fine, is it?
Yes. Yes, it bloody well is!
Well, suit yourself.
Mmm, luxury milk!
Sweet! Just texted Ben, said I had to go to a funeral,
plus, I've got the squits and you're in the bathroom having a breakdown.
I threw a lot of shit, see what sticks.
Look at him. He's the worst kind of snake in the grass.
What a shit!
Obviously I'd betray him like that...
But he didn't know that.
But he didn't know that. Exactly, Jez, thank you. He...
Oh, my God, he's... That's my idea, he's using my idea!
You taught him the palm?
But I told you the palm!
He's juicing my balls.
He's trying to screw her with my cock.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Shit, Ben.
Ben Ten, the Bento Box.
Yes, I am still at the funeral.
'Great, I've got a front row seat in the theatre of cruelty.
'Ugh, just watching them
'is making these normally delicious butterscotch treats
'turn to ash in my mouth.'
That's the whole story.
I'm going in.
Tony B Liar can disregard the UN,
but he can't disregard the Dobby Club.
BABY CRIES
Baby?
Yeah, that's just a baby, obviously, at the funeral with me.
Don't worry little one, she's in heaven.
Mummy's in heaven now.
'That baby doesn't have a clue what I'm on about, it's fine.'
Mark, what are... what are you doing here?
I could ask you the very same question, Judas!
Well, Dobby didn't have anyone to come to the party with her,
so I volunteered.
How incredibly thoughtful...Brutus!
Yes, well...
You know very well that we had a deal.
'Can't think of another one.'
Double Judas!
Nothing's going on.
We're just having a drink.
We're just having a drink. I think you're doing a little more than that!
No doubt once you've finished these, and she's sufficiently high
on E numbers, you'll try and supply her with another pork product
whose name I don't think needs to be said out loud.
I'm sorry, Mark, OK?
I saw a window of opportunity, and went for it. You'd do the same.
Unlike you, Gerard, I'm a man of my word.
The Dobby Club is officially dissolved.
What about the HMS Victory?
I shall complete the HMS Victory without your assistance.
You can't handle the rigging alone.
You had your chance to help me with that rigging...
and you blew it.
Yeah, yeah, I'm hoping
people might affectionately call them the Homunculi.
I'll sign them after the gig.
No, no need for you to come, dude. No, just check out the web page.
But ignore all the shitty comments,
they were all made by the same 30 to 40 people,
so they don't really count.
Mark?
What the fuck?Hello.
Where's Gerard?
Gerard had to go.
He was...taken ill.
Really? Is it serious?
A bit, but also you needn't give it a second thought.
The squits.
'No further details required.' May I?
You just happened to be in Epsom?
Yeah, I was in the car, I'm on standby.
Standby?
Standby? As Gerard's replacement.
It's cool, we look out for one another, like me and Jez.
He's right over there, so if, God forbid,
something should happen, he'll be there to replace me.
I have to say, I'm mildly freaking my noggin right now.
Look, Dobby, the truth is,
me and Gerard, we have a...
a sort of a club about you.
A club?
A club? It's not a real club, there's no clubhouse
and there's only two of us.
It's more of a shared passion, if you will.
It's quite sophisticated, like the Sunday Times Wine Club.
But it's ironic too, so...
'Hmm, not nailing this.'
So Gerard's not ill then?
No more than usual.
He agreed to step aside, abort your date and let me have a pop.
A pop?
Not a pop, a go, a turn. 'Really not nailing this at all.'
BABY GRIZZLES
BABY GRIZZLES Excuse me.
Hello, how are you? Hungry, or another one of your dirty protests?
Oh, no, you're good, just a blanket.
Ahh!
'Oh, OK. Of course.'
If you like, you can...
smell my baby.
Yeah?
Yeah? That new baby smell, it's amazing.
It's like...caramel and roses.
'Total Emperor's New Clothes.
'They smell of baby soap and very faintly of urine.'
Mmm!
'Nice, the ultimate aphrodisiac. My son's like a huge oyster.'
Look, the truth is, I came out here because I was insane with jealousy
and if that's freaky then I'll just go, but...
the thing about driving for miles to spy on someone is that,
if nothing else,
it does sort of prove that you have quite strong feelings.
Yeah? Me and Kerry hitched to Carlisle
just cos they had this wicked big Halfords.
Look, if there's nothing happening with you and Gerard,
does that actually mean that there's a...
position vacant as your boyfriend?
What an incredibly off-putting way of putting it. If I say yes,
will you stop saying things which are turning my stomach?
'Oh, my God, I've won!
'I'm resigning from the FDR Cyberman conflict!'
And you're sure these are zoot suits?
Yeah, these are zoot suits.
Yeah. I mean I love them, obviously, it's just...
I thought they'd be more...
We spent yesterday going round 15 vintage clothing outfitters,
spending 530 quid on zoot suits.
These are definitely fucking zoot suits.
Yeah, great, I...
I love them. So I got the contract,
you still want to do the punk thing?
I only sign in blood.
Hey, Jez? >
Zara, you came! In time to see me play.
You're playing?
You're playing? I'm sure I told you I was in a band.
Yeah, but you told me you were a poet
and you couldn't find your exercise book so...
Wow, Jez, I love musicians.
Well, I'm a musician, so I guess you must love me.
'Is that a joke, or just a genuine wish with me laughing at the end?'
Hey Jez.
Great, Mr Ben, the Homunculi welcome you.
Need to talk business, babe. Get yourself a drink.
Mine's a large one, as you fucking know! (LAUGHS)
So I just wanted to flag up with you about the band.
I'm going to be taking a much more hands-on role
than your traditional exec. In fact...
Forget the band, I'm not signing these twats.
Forget the band, I'm not signing these twats. What?
I listened to the link, they're shit.
The branding! Do you even know what a homunculus is?
Isn't it a chick born with a dick?
It's one of those tiny humans mad scientists keep in jars.
Who wants that on a baseball cap?
Er, goths?
Losey arseholes.
PHONE RINGS
'Fucking great, I've got to fire myself!
'I wonder how I'll take it?
'Very badly, I should imagine.'
'Very badly, I should imagine.' Aagghh!
OK, guys, so here's the thing...
Yeah, I'm... losing quite a bit here,
so if we could just sign and break out the Elastoplast.
Yeah. Look, I've been thinking with my thinking cap,
and basically, yeah, we're a great band,
and obviously I could sign us, of course I could.
I could sign us a thousand times over.
But are we hungry enough?
I mean, sure, we're hungry, but are we ravenous?
Because...
Did you fire them yet? >
Did you fire them yet? > Firing them now, Ben.
You what? Bollocks.
You don't fire us, we fire you.
You're fired!
No, you're fired.
I mean all of us. We're fired.
But we're all in this together against the fucking suits...
who are me, so...
fuck me!
Why don't we show me what I'm missing
and do the best gig of our lives?
Yeah?!
'Wow, this is it, the ultimate.
'I'm in a relationship with someone I really like.
'Something's obviously going to have to go wrong,
'I wonder what it'll be?
'It's almost definitely going to be something I do.
'I need to watch myself like a hawk.'
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, Brockley.
I have an announcement.
Danny Dyer's Chocolate Homunculus is dead...
..but Man Feelings are back.
You are witnesses at the rebirth of Man Feelings.
'Is she thinking about her ex?
'I bet she bloody is. When she goes quiet,
'is she always thinking about him?'
Are you having a look, there?
What? Yeah, just...looking.
'It's impossible to know what's in her head
'and if I ask her, she might not tell the truth.
So...come on, what are you thinking, Dobs?
Oh, just... I mean...
I wonder how long the cider craze is going to last?
Right, yeah. Me too.
'Oh, sure!
'Why is she a separate entity?
'There should be a viewing platform to see into her brain.
'If only I could get her brain in a jar, or hook her up to electrodes.
'I need thermal imaging of her brain cortex
'and a lab to analyse it.
'Then I could finally relax.'
'Right, suited and booted.
'Yeah, I'm just a band member running late
'because there was one last line of coke that needed snorting.
'Just slide this up on here.
'Yeah, that's right, honey, one foot in the band.'
(MOUTHS)
'I'm re-joining you by the power of standing right by you.'
MUSIC STOPS
Sorry, everyone. Just to clear something up,
this is the band area,
we are the band.
This imaginary line at the edge of the stage
is where the band ends.
He is not in the band, he is merely dressed like the band.
MUSIC STARTS AGAIN
I hope me and you being anitem
doesn't ruin my friendship with Gerard.
Me too. That... That would be terrible.
'Ugh, the ghost at the feast. I'm going to kill you, Gerard.
'Kill you till you're dead.'
Although there is something that I should probably tell you.
What?
What? I don't want to say.
Go on, Mark.
Well...you know those Corfu pictures that you've got on your profile?
I think maybe you should take those down.
Corfu '06? Why?
Well, Gerard admitted that sometimes he looks at them and...
does a...
Ugh!
Ugh! I know.
'Never pick a fight with Stalin, Gerard.
'Uncle Joe don't play by your rules.'
Adriano_CSI, Resync by DaddyCaleb