Peacemaker (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

What?

What the fuck
is Project Butterfly?

What?

- Well, we got a situation here.
- What?

I hooked up with a chick, and I'm
not saying that to make you jealous.

I'm saying it because she was a metahuman
freak that threw me around the room

like an angry kid with his little
sister's Cabbage Patch Doll!

Oh, fuck!

Where is she now?

She's
spilled gumbo in the parking lot.

But I'm gonna
need a new ride. I blew up my car.



Are you running?

Going back to get my shit
in her apartment!

Ah, shit.
All right, I'm on my way.

I didn't give you the address.

Yeah, I can track you
through the chip in your head.

Wait, you can't see me jerk off
through that thing, can you?

It's inside of your
fucking skull! How could we...

I don't know,
technology's a beast.

Hey, Harcourt, you want to see me
rub one out? All you gotta do is ask.

Focus, pervert.

Get your shit
and get out of there.

All right.
I'll meet you outside, somehow.

Fuck!

New girl! You're driving.



Peacemaker just killed
a damn butterfly.

Ah, come on!
Goddammit, Dad!

Fuck yeah.

You have him on the tracker?

Yeah, it looks like he's still inside
the apartments. We're almost there.

Okay, get him out of there.

Harcourt,

I don't think I need to remind
you how important this operation is.

I've got it handled.
Don't worry, I'm almost there.

You know... in your room,
what you have in there,

- that's not safe.
- What?

- You had someone in your room.
- Is it against regulations?

- I didn't say that.
- What are you doing?

This op is off the books.
We don't have regulations,

but it's not safe, is it?
For her, I mean.

- I don't know!
- It's not.

- What are you doing?
- Watch the road.

- I also have dogs.
- Okay.

- Do you think they're safe?
- Are they big dogs?

No, they're pretty small, but one of 'em,
Emerson, he likes to wear these little outfits.

Do you think that's gonna
make him a bigger target?

Jesus Christ.

Shit!

Almost hit that bitch.

Peacemaker's vehicle's
at the scene.

Can you change the name
on the registration?

- Yep.
- Good.

What the hell?

The report said "an explosion."

How'd the possum stay intact?

I hope this
isn't some cape shit.

We've got enough trouble with
that maniac Vigilante running around.

Shit.

What's this? Pizza?

Officer, put that down.

- Why?
- Because I think it's a face.

- A what?
- A face. A human face.

Backup and medical examiners
are on their way, Detective.

Could you move
any fuckin' slower?

I'm trying to be sneaky.

Oh, shit.

Can you believe this idiot
fucked a butterfly?

I mean, the man's been
in prison for four years.

There's not much
I'd believe he wouldn't fuck.

A bowl of oatmeal,
a grapefruit, some yogurt.

I'm hungry.

Look, I know
you don't believe me,

but Emerson, he really
does like to wear clothes.

If you don't put him in
something new in the morning,

he'll just whine until you do.

Do you pet the dog when he
looks cute in these clothes?

I guess.

He doesn't want to
wear the clothes,

he's just willing to humiliate
himself for your love.

I think he just likes
lookin' smart.

- Where the fuck is he?
- Emerson? He's at home.

Not the fucking dog! Peacemaker.

What is that, a cat?

Super neat.
I see cookies in my future.

This is... must have.

What?

What the fuck are you
still doing in there?

I told you,
I'm getting important shit!

Well, there are too many cops
outside the front door,

so you're gonna need
to find another way out.

Do you see Eagly
out there at all?

Your eagle?

Yeah, could you, uh,
could you look for him? Is he out there?

No, man, I'm not gonna fucking
look for your eagle.

Harcourt, it's... do me a solid.

Just roll down the window, stick your
hand outside, and then crinkle a bag.

He'll think you have chips.
He'll come right out to you.

Why are you
feeding him chips?

Is that
somebody in the window up there?

Fuck!

What was that on his head?

Really?
You didn't fucking trust me?

Excuse me, ma'am? Is
there any other way out of this building?

Just the front door here
and another on the side.

Okay. You two, with us.
You two, cover that side door.

There's no exit
on the back of the building,

so see if you can
get to a balcony

on the second floor and jump.

Jump?

All right,
go around back, go around back.

- Fifth floor, right?
- Yep.

Damn, my heart is beating!
Is your heart beating?

No, my heart stopped beating.

Was that four or five?

- Did you see that?
- Yeah.

Hey! Hey, stop right there!

Song, just saw someone
go from the fifth floor to the sixth.

Was he wearing something
on his head?

Well, that I couldn't see.

Head up on to the sixth floor, then
we'll check out this apartment down here.

- Hey, man, what's up?
- Uh...

- Freddie there?
- Freddie who?

- Freddie Mulmamimimim?
- No, there's no...

No, you guys are doing
chardonnay and charcuterie, right?

I... I signed up with the e-vite.
You guys sent me a... a...

Hondr, Flindr, Tinder,
Grindr. Ah, fuck.

Shit!

- What are you doing?
- Pick those up.

Knock on doors.

- Fuck, man, please? Pick 'em up!
- Okay, okay, okay.

Evan, what is going on?

This guy broke in.
Call the cops.

- You call the cops!
- Baby, he has a knife on me.

- You're helping him.
- Hey, hey! Shh, shh, both of you.

- Well, thank you, sir.
- Yeah, no problem.

- Yeah, okay.
- I understand. Okay. Thanks.

Thank you, I appreciate
that. You have a good night.

I don't think
anyone's in there.

All right, Peggy. Remember, we
didn't get an answer from that one.

He's obviously a professional.
Look how he's dressed, Amber!

Okay. Uh, I'm gonna need,
um, rope, t... twine.

Why?

Unfortunately,
I have to tie you up.

Okay. Okay, listen, I just... I
just want to talk to you straight,

from like,
one human being to another.

I will die of claustrophobia
if I get tied up, so...

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Oh, fuck. Shit, I'm so sorry.

It's clear.

He's gotta be upstairs, then.
Come on.

- That's the best I can...
- Thank you, man. Thanks.

Found this.

That'll work.

I used to
really love Cinderella.

Yeah, Tom Keifer and the boys are
like the perfect mix of blues and metal.

Fuck yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I appreciate that.

Thank you, ma'am,
I'm sorry to wake you.

That's the only apartment
that didn't answer.

- It doesn't hurt too much, does it?
- No, not at all.

Nice negligee.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Evan says it makes me look fat.

You have better PJs.
That's all I ever said.

I don't see how that could be.
Jesus, dude.

Thank you.

It's nice to be appreciated.

- Are you fucking kidding me, Amber?
- What?

Are you seriously trying to get
him to fuck you right now?

What? No, I just said
it was nice, goddammit!

And we also seem
to have a lot in common!

- Like what?
- Uh, we both love Cinderella.

Seven years, not once
have you mentioned Cinderella!

What? I talk about Cinderella
at least once a week, Evan!

You just never fucking hear me
because you're always

going on about Coldplay
and Foster the fucking People!

Oh, you're gonna put down my musical
taste now? How fucking low are you?

"Pumped Up Kicks," Evan?

Do you know
what that song is about? Murder!

You are a murderer!
You are murdering my spirit!

Oh, yeah? How do
you think my spirit feels

when you're trying to fuck this really
cool, handsome guy right in front of me?

- I am not trying to fuck him!
- Right in front of me!

But you know what, Evan,
oh my God, maybe I will!

Who knows what's gonna
fucking happen, right?

Because I'm tied up. I'm helpless. I
mean, anything could fucking happen, right?

I mean, seriously,
who fucking knows?

Evergreen Police! Open the door,
or we'll break it in!

Fuck.

- Fuck.
- Evergreen Police!

Asshole!

There he is.

Whoo!

- Fuck!
- Ow.

Oh, thank God!

Hey, hey.

- Ooh!
- Wow.

Ah, fuck.

God dammit.

- Come on! This is...
- Where is he?

Jumped.

My wife is a dick!
You're a fucking dick!

'Cause you don't have one!

Detective Song,
this is Captain Miele.

- Do you copy?
- Copy, Captain.

I've arrived with backup.
Have you located the suspect?

They're saying he jumped off
the rear of the building, Captain.

- You! Come with me, back of the building.
- All right, let's go!

God dammit!

Go, go, go, go!

Fuck.

What do we do now?

- Wait here.
- Listen, I can help.

I'm stellar
with weapons and combat.

Cool your jets, Jason Bourne.

Just be ready to take off
when we get back to the car.

Being a wheelman
is also dope! I got you!

You
on the roof! Stop right there!

Evergreen PD! Do not move!

Step forward and into the light!

Captain?

Captain Miele, do you copy?

Hey. Come on.

Ow, fuck!

Stop, police!
Stop or I'll shoot!

Shit! Should I take off?

No, he's not fucking here yet!

Dude!

Shit.

- -Go, go!
- What are you waiting for?

That thing
better not shit back there.

You can't housetrain an eagle,
dude.

Not without stealing its soul.

Whoo!

Whoo, boy!

You change the car registration
into someone else's name?

Not only that,

I changed the fingerprints out
to the same person,

which they'll discover when they get
the lab results back in a couple days.

- That's possible?
- Yeah, for this guy with two thumbs it is.

That's not how that works,
but... good, great.

- Who'd you change it to?
- Oh, Mr. Murn, you're gonna love this.

August Ransom Smith?

Yeah. What?

I was wondering if you
would mind answering

a few questions for us.

Yeah, I mind.
More from you than him.

Why more from me?

Let's just say that, uh,

egg foo young
ain't my thing, baby.

Walking scrotum here doesn't
like egg foo young. Got that, Fitz?

I'll put it in my notes.

Where were you last night from
about midnight to 2:00 a.m.?

I was right here.
And I don't gotta answer you.

Hey.
What's your fucking problem, pal?

Playing dress-up again?

Oh, yeah.
You'll wish it was dress-up.

Is that a threat?

No, I don't threat, I just do.

Now get the fuck
off my property.

Maybe you can tell us why a
1976 Ford Comet registered in your name

was left at the Wild Estates
Apartment Complex uptown?

I don't have a Comet.

That's my kid.

Your kid,
as in Christopher Smith?

Peacemaker?

Arrest me or get the fuck
out of here, chopsticks.

Yeah, well,
we'll be seeing you, fork!

Fork?

Why not spoon?

Everybody in the world
uses spoons.

Yeah, but that asshole
doesn't know that.

That's true.

I mean, spoon would've
been more demeaning.

- Yeah.
- Makes it like a baby thing.

You know,
little babies use spoons.

Okay, adults also use spoons,
but I get it.

You hear anything about
Peacemaker getting out of prison?

No. I mean, you'd think
we would've been notified.

Yeah, you'd think.

You could've chosen anyone,
and you put the car registration

in the name
of Peacemaker's father?

I had to act fast.
You were in the bathroom.

I didn't know
if you were going one or two!

Was I supposed to text you
when I'm taking a shit?

- I would've appreciated it!
- I'm not gonna text you when I'm taking a shit, John!

Oh, okay, fine! I guess I'll have to guess
what's happening every time you go in there.

We're trying to
get this man on our side,

and you thought the right way
to do that was to frame his father?

I don't want to be
insubordinate,

but I kinda did
some magical shit here today,

and now I feel like
you're angry at me.

N... no, I'm not angry
at you, John.

But I am starting to think
you're an idiot.

Come on, man, don't
use the "I" word, it's not cool.

Hey.

- What do we tell 'em?
- Nothing.

We just got shot at!

Like...

And whoa!
Like, my adrenaline is pumpin'.

Pumping!
Like glass breaking, everything.

You ever been shot at?

No.

Kidding.

- You fucker.
- You're doing great.

Hey, why are they
called butterflies again?

Again? We never told you.

- Okay, Dye-beard.
- Hey, guess what? I'm done.

Dude, it's not finished.

I'm not gonna do this if you
keep calling me that name.

- What name?
- That fake name.

- You saying I'm fake news?
- No, I'm saying you're a fuckin' asshole.

I'd rather be
with Harley Quinn than you,

I'd rather be with
the Weasel than you.

The only thing fake news
around here is the beard.

I'd rather be with
fuckin' Bat-Mite than you.

Who's Bat-Mite?

He's a two-foot-tall interdimensional
imp who stans Batman.

I'd rather be with him.

- Is that a real guy?
- Yeah.

- Let's finish.
- Fuck is the world coming to?

From the beginning,
I've kept this operation

completely off the books.
So how did this...

- What's the dead woman's name?
- Annie Sturphausen.

How did this Annie Sturphausen
know about Peacemaker?

Maybe someone's feeding
the butterflies information.

- Who?
- Waller.

It's not her.

I don't
think it's Waller, either.

You don't know her like I do. I saw
Waller knowingly sacrifice troops,

including a colonel in the United
States Army, to meet her objective.

We could simply be a decoy team
from whomever else she's really entrusted

- with taking down the butterflies.
- Still no reason to give us up.

Well, the four of us and Waller
are the only ones who knew about it.

You're the one who brought the butterflies
to our attention, so it can't be you.

And it's not me, I just put my ass on
the line to save Muscle Man Weekly.

And it's not Muscle Man Weekly,
because he's the one who almost got killed.

So, if it's not Waller
and it's not us,

- maybe it's her.
- Me?

Does anyone here know how
she ended up on this mission?

I got skills.

I got my Binks-Fendelmire Strategic
Combat Certification at the age of 14.

Binks-Fendelmire is kindergarten
shit. What about since then?

What are your actual
qualifications?

And how do I know
that you're not one of them?

It's not her.

I trust her the most
because Eagly liked her.

He tried to bite me.

Yeah, but not as hard as he tries to
bite everybody else. It's obviously, uh...

...Elmo.

Economos. Fuck you.

Why do all of you have
such weird last names?

- John didn't do it.
- Thank you.

- He's too big of a pussy to betray us.
- All right.

Not on purpose,
but okay, follow me.

So he's, you know,
hanging out, having some fun,

maybe doing some fentanyl
with a prostitute...

- Oh, God.
- ...in the back of a hillbilly strip club.

He's fallen in love,
'cause it's obviously

the first time he's put
his balls in somebody's mouth,

and he starts
getting loose lips!

You know, just showing off.

"I'm on a team
with the famous Peacemaker,

and we're taking down the
notorious butterflies. My beard's real."

Are you fucking stupid?

Sounds more plausible
than I wish it did.

What? I don't even like when my
balls are in somebody's mouth, okay?

It gives me
the wrong type of chills.

And all I can think about
is how long it's been

since I've gotten checked
for testicular cancer.

Too long!

You are so fucked up,
it's adorable, Dye-beard.

Don't call me that!

Okay, fuck!
Come on, bro. What the fuck?

I don't think it's any of us.

Well, then why did Sturphausen
try to kill Peacemaker?

Maybe she brought him back to her apartment
for the purpose he thought she did.

But why would she decide after they
hooked up that she needed to kill him?

- Oh, shit.
- What?

I gotta brush my teeth.

Cool.

You left the dossier
of the person

you're supposed to contract kill
for the government

in the apartment
of some rando who blew you?

She's not some rando who
blew me, man. We fully fucked.

I thought it'd be safer on me
than in the car unattended.

What was I supposed to do?

- Drop it off at home first?
- Yes!

You don't understand what
we're up against here, Smith.

The fate of the country
depends on this mission!

And nobody told me that!

Nobody's even told me
what a fucking butterfly is!

Murn.

Yes.

Uh-huh.

You don't think that chick left any
monster STDs on my dick, do you?

Come again?

Wait, is being a butterfly like
a venereal disease of some type?

Fuck, am I gonna become one?
Am I a fucking dick vampire now?

When were you gonna tell us
there were witnesses?

I did kidnap
a couple for a minute.

Evan and Amber Calcaterra.
Can you take care of 'em?

You want me
to "take care of 'em" like...

No, just...

Just convince them
not to finger Peacemaker.

More like, um...

I have no clue what that is.
Why are we playing charades?

'Cause I don't want
to say it out loud.

I still don't know what that is.

- Leota.
- Bribery?

Yes, please. Go do it. Now.

I need Harcourt and Economos
here. Otherwise, I'd send them.

Be straight with me, man.

I'm a dick vampire, aren't I?

No, you're not a dick vampire,
you're just a dick.

If you keep
your mouth shut, I can tell you!

Shut up!

Everybody fucking hates you!

And Dye-beard
could be your friend,

but you pushed him away
like you push everybody away,

'cause you're a fucking dick.

You killed Rick Flag.

Flag was right.

Peacemaker...
...what a joke.

- Buddy?
- What the fuck?

Hey! What the fuck are you
doing, you... fucking stalker?

- Dude, are you all right?
- Fuck, dude.

I... I... What are you doing?
Are you looking at me

and jerking off right now?
Is your dick out?

What? No!
No, man, look.

I'm not gonna fucking look,
oldest trick in the book.

I look and you're fucking
rock-hard,

and you throw jizz at my face.
No fucking way!

What? No, dude,
my dick is not out.

Is that what you get off on,
me seeing your fucking dick?

No!
Who the fuck said that?

Louis C.K. piece of shit!

Louis C.K. said that?
I'll fucking kill that guy!

No, he didn't say it.
You, you're like Louis C.K.

- Because I'm funny?
- Fucking funny, dude? No.

You...
You show people your dick.

What does that have to
do with Louis C.K.'s comedy specials?

I didn't say shit
about his comedy specials.

What the fuck, man?

Louis C.K., how he showed people
his dick, he, himself.

Because he's a ginger?

A fucking... What?

Well, I don't fucking know!

I'm just trying to figure out
the connection.

Dude, Louis C.K. showed people
his dick, all right?

He did?

Jesus, man!
Do you read the news?

No.
What for? It's depressing.

Look, hey, I'm begging you.
Will you please,

please just look at my crotch.
Come on.

See?
Can you see that?

Why the fuck don't you use the
front door like a normal person?

Well, I saw a light on in here,

and I thought someone
was creeping around.

I'm really happy you're back.

Why are you crying?

I'm not crying.

I'm fucking doing
face muscle exercises.

I'm exercising
the muscles in my face,

making my face... more muscular.

I can tell...
...under your mask,

your face is skinny as shit.

You don't do these exercises
for your face.

Some of them look like crying.
They're not crying.

Well, can you maybe
teach 'em to me?

Yes.

Mr. and Mrs. Calcaterra,

I'm gonna ask you
some questions.

And yes, this is a real badge.

Fuck.

Evan,
I can open the door myself.

I'm being a gentleman,
you fuckin' asshole.

Dick.

- Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Calcaterra.
- Yeah?

Uh, I was just wondering
if you would, um,

answer a few questions for me.

We're on the way
to, uh, the station now

to look at mugshots.

Yeah, well, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

Firstly, I'm wondering
whether you saw the guy

in your apartment
that you think you saw,

or did you maybe see another guy
that you actually didn't see

but you think you did?

And secondly,

I'm wondering if you've ever had
an all-expenses-paid trip

to the beautiful
Lake Tahoe, Nevada?

Are you trying
to fucking bribe us?

No.

Oh. I was hoping
you were trying to bribe us.

Yeah, yeah,
I'm trying to bribe you.

When I was arrested, the cops
turned this place upside down for evidence.

You need some help cleaning up?

I guess.

So, how did you
get out anyway?

I thought you were in prison
for life.

- It's a secret.
- Dude, I'm your best friend.

No, you're not.

Well,
who's your best friend then?

Someone you met in prison.
I knew it.

Dude, it's Eagly, obviously.

Okay, of all people,
who's your best friend?

I don't even know
your secret identity.

Yeah, I don't tell
you my real identity for your sake.

I don't want to put a target
on you.

People will try to use you
to get to me.

Hey, where does this go?

With the other tapes.

You think people
are gonna torture me

to get your secret identity?

I am extra special careful

in all my heroic endeavors,

which is probably
the reason why,

and I don't mean to be a prick,
you went to prison and I didn't.

- Where's this go?
- The CD rack, dude.

See, when they put my mugshot

up in the post office,

it's just gonna be a circle
with a red visor.

And they're gonna
have to figure out

what my head looks like
based on the shape.

And I know I have a bony face,

'cause I don't do
face muscle exercises,

but that doesn't cut down
very much on the suspects.

Hmm.
Hey! Holy shit, look at that.

It's a funny smiley man.

"Hey, do you want to come over
and play?"

Man, that's adorable.

Hey, how'd you get out anyway?

I work for the government, okay?

Post office?

You think they'd fucking let me
out of prison to deliver mail?

I don't know, it was the
first government job I could think of.

Dude. I kill people
for 'em, okay?

I did it down in Corto Maltese, and
now I gotta do it here in Evergreen.

That's... why I'm out,
in exchange for that. Fuck.

Oh, that's sick.

I... I used to think
God put me here for a purpose.

For peace.

And I always said
I didn't care how many people

I needed to torture
or kill to get it, but...

You know, lately, I just think
I'm a fuckin' maniac, like...

I don't know, I'm having...

feelings about things that...

Okay.

Do you think I feel good when,
after some dude

does some atrocious act,
that I have to kill them?

- I don't know.
- When I find out

someone murdered
an innocent person,

or sold somebody heroin,

or did some graffiti,

and I kill that person
with my bare hands,

their eyeballs popping
out of their skulls,

you think
that gives me pleasure?

No.

Well, it does.

It gives you pleasure too,
Peacemaker.

That's 'cause
we're born killers.

What separates us
from other killers

is we only kill bad people.

Usually.
Unless there's a mistake.

Now, do I sound like
a fucking maniac?

Hey. What do you say
we celebrate you

- getting out of prison?
- No.

I have to study the dossier
of the senator I gotta kill.

I've been saving up appliances

ever since you were arrested.

Fuck yeah!

Yeah!

It's definitely this guy.

It's this guy.

- Are you sure?
- Are you sure?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Jesus Christ, you again?

- August Smith, you are under arrest...
- Oh, shit!

...for the murder
of Annie Sturphausen.

I
don't even know who the fuck that is!

Get the fuck off me!

Fuck you!

And go fuck yourself, old man!

Keeya?

You know that I'm gonna be
working some weird hours.

And I was thinking
maybe you and the fur kids...

Well, you know?

N... no, I don't know.

- It's not that big of a deal.
- Are you fucking kidding me?

You drag me out here,
then you want me to leave?

Amber?

No. I can't believe
they legalized that shit.

More for me.

Three years ago,
I would've shot both of you

in the face for that.

- What the fuck?
- Dude.

Holy fuck.

You're good.

Don't play that crap.
Don't do it.

You gotta burn that card
before the river.

Dude, how many times I gotta
teach you how to play this fucking game?

- Read 'em and weep.
- Dude, seriously. You're pissing me off.

Holy shit. Look who it is.

That's my spot

between five and seven
during winter.

What the fuck
you talking about, old-timer?

During the sunset,
that light there

comes in through that window,

and I like the feel of it
on my skin.

So fucking move.

Yeah? And if I don't?

Guess.

Fuck it. Fuck that shit.
I ain't dying for this seat.

I thought we sent capes
over to Arkham or Belle Reve.

The system's overcrowded.

He'll have to stay here
through his trial.

All hail... the White Dragon!

Hail!
Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail!

Hail! Hail!
Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail!

Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail!

Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail!
Hail! Hail!

You like that, Evan?

It's definitely not the hot guy.

- Aw, fuck you, Amber!
- Oh, eat me, Evan!

- This guy.
- Okay.

Can I keep this one?

Sure.