Party of Five (1994–2000): Season 2, Episode 8 - Best Laid Plans - full transcript

[sighs]

"What is a wife?"

On this day,

I consider myself
the luckiest man
on the face of the Earth.

[sighs]

Nice going, ace.

You're getting married,
not retiring from baseball.

"Kirsten, I--"

What, sweetie?

You having a tough time?

No, not really.



I've got some good ideas.

I just want it to be--

[sobs]

This is the most beautiful thing

I have ever read
in my entire life.

I asked her to take a look.
You know, check the grammar.

You think?

-Stop it!
-[Julia] You guys?

You've gotta read this.

Read what?

[Bailey]
Wow.

Why aren't you marrying me?

[Claudia]
If anyone

ever said something
that romantic to me,



I would just faint.

Right on the ground.
Boom. Gone.

What is this?

Absolutely not!

You'll hear it
during the ceremony

and not a minute before.

[Claudia]
Boy, Charlie,

she really loves you.

I mean,
that part about--

Don't.

I'm going
to start crying again.

[sighs]

Where's that collection
of quotes?

-I know we had one.
-It's downstairs.

Come on,
you can't come up with,

like, a minute's worth
of wedding vows

without cribbing off
of somebody?

Would you just
get me the book
and be quiet?

Yes, sir.

God, what's so hard about...

"I love you.
I wanna be with you forever"?

Yeah, what's so hard about it?

[theme song playing]

♪ Everybody wants to live ♪

♪ Like they wanna live ♪

♪ And everybody wants to love ♪

♪ Like they wanna love ♪

♪ Everybody wants to be ♪

♪ Closer to free ♪

♪ Closer to free ♪

[Julia]
Are you bringing anybody
to the wedding?

A date? No. Are you?

No. Griffin never would
have come, anyway.

He probably doesn't even
own a tie.

Sarah's gonna
look great.

She's gonna walk in,
she's gonna look great,

and she's gonna be with Will.

It's bad enough
I have to see them here
every stupid day.

They're so...

In the halls,
by the lockers,

in the cafeteria.

In the parking lot.

[school bell rings]

Justin, hi.

I'm late for gym. Since when does that matter?

Hey, listen,
you know what's Saturday?

Sophie B. Hawkins concert.

Remember, we bought tickets
three months ago.

Those great seats.
I thought maybe we'd...

What? Go together?

What's the deal?

He's out of the picture, so now
you're running back to me?

We're supposed to go together
like nothing ever happened?

No, no, that isn't...

I was gonna ask you
if you wanted my ticket.

Yeah, sure. What the hell?
You have it on you?

-It's at home.
-Okay.

Well, I'll pick it up later
or something.

You're welcome.

You remember
the best birthday party
you've ever been to?

With, like, a, uh...
I don't know,

like a really great clown
or something?

[Claudia]
A clown?

Got milk?

[Kirsten in distance]
That's good, that's good.

[Dudley]
Well, whatever.

That's kind of what
a bachelor party's like.

Only, uh...

Only what?

Only eight or nine more years,

and we'll actually be able
to finish this conversation.

No. No,
of course I'm not mad.

Just get back to bed,
and I'll check on you tomorrow.

I love you too.

Kirsten, what's the matter?

Charlie cancel
the wedding on you?

That was my sister.

I can't--
[sighs]

She has an ear infection.

She can't get on a plane
at least until Sunday.

So? She'll be here
for the wedding, right?

But...
[sighs]

See, we were supposed
to spend the night
before my wedding together.

You know,
just spend some time, bond,

like we did before hers.

It was gonna be
this tradition.

Sorry.

Hold it.

Hold it, what is this?

The hangover brigade?

Well, a good scout's
always prepared.

Okay, scout.
Raise your right hand.

-Why?
-Do it.

Now,

promise me, you're not
gonna get him drunk.

You're not gonna
bring porno films.

I don't need Charlie
comparing me to that.

Oh, and you are not gonna
hire some stripper

who wants to coax him
into one last sleazy hurrah.

Oh, well, why don't we
just hold it

at the public library?

I'm not kidding, Dudley.

Swear!
On...your grandmother's life.

Not Nana.

All right, okay.
I promise. I swear.

Thank you.

-Bailey.
-Hi.

Just the person
I wanted to see.

-What's up?
-Little problem.

Kirsten just
made me promise

that I wouldn't be responsible
for anything too "out there"

at the party
tomorrow night.

Aw, man.
Bummer, huh?

Here's
the interesting part...

She didn't say
anything about you.

Here, I found it.

How much I owe you?
Twenty-five?

You don't have to pay me.

I don't want you to pay me.
I'm giving it to you.

Forget it.

I don't wanna
owe you anything.

-What are you talking about?
You wouldn't.
-Uh-uh.

I'm not gonna let you
buy your way out of feeling bad.

I'm not.

Wh-what am I supposed to do?
I said I'm sorry.

Justin, I'm just trying
to make things better
between the two of us.

I don't want things
to be better.

'Cause you know
what I figured out these
last couple of months?

We don't need
to be friends.

I don't need you.

Fine. If that's how
you're gonna be,

then don't let me
offend you

by trying to do
something nice for you.

I'll just go to the concert.

Hey, wait a minute,
I already invited Robin Baratz!

Yeah, well, tough!

Guess once they schlep in
the folding chairs,

it's official, huh?

So I don't know
if Dud told you or not,

but I'm in charge of this
bachelor party thing now.

And all systems are go.

I mean,
it's gonna be wild.

[laughs] It's gonna be...

Whew.

And if you have
any special requests,

you know,
stripper-wise, then--

Bay, um...

I mean, would you hate me
if I asked you to bag this?

This party?

Bag it? How come?

I don't know
if I'm gonna have time.

I mean,
I gotta pick up my tux.

I've gotta go
to the travel agent.

I've gotta finish
writing these vows.

I mean, the truth is,
I gotta start writing them.

And...

And you don't think that
the sight of a half-naked woman

dancing around a hotel room
wouldn't inspire you?

It'd inspire me.
[clinks glass]

Cheers.

All right, so what part
are you stuck on here?

It's the...
It's the "forever" thing?

[sighs]

The "death
do you part" part?

Oh, wait a minute,
I know.

It's the "forsaking
all others" stuff.

That's what's
throwing you.

No, it isn't.

Oh, wow.

I-- I was just kidding.

You're really
sweating this.

I am not.

You shouldn't be.
You shouldn't be.

I mean, it's Kirsten.

You're not gonna
do any better.

-She's it, Char.
-I know that.

-Well, then what's the problem?
-There is no problem.

I'm fine. It's fine.

Are you sure?

'Cause I can go,
I can call the hotel

and I can cancel it.

Dud and the other guys,
they'll live.

No, I wanna do it.

Really, this is
gonna be great.

We're gonna do it.

The party's on.

Bay! Bailey!

Yeah?

It's for you.

Something about
confirming a stripper.

Oh, that's...

We're getting
the house repainted.

-But you knew that.
-Mm-hmm.

Now I'll tell one.

Hello.

Yes, yes, it is.
Right, right, right.

Excuse me.

No, I'm still here.

-Almost ready?
-Just about.

She was so cute, offering
to fill in for Meg tonight.

She booked massages for us,
rented movies...

Oh, did you talk
to the photographer?

-There was a message.
-I asked him to come
half an hour early.

-Did the florist ever call back?
-Not yet.

-Make sure the machine's on.
-You going out already?

I didn't think
the party was until later?

Yeah, I'm going over early
to work on my vows.

Oh, okay.

Have fun tonight.

And try to be home
in time just to get
a little bit of sleep.

-Gotcha.
-Okay.

We're getting married
tomorrow, Charlie.

Is that something or what?

["As I Lay Me Down" playing]

Excuse me.

Excuse me! Sorry.

I love this song.

I hate it! Justin,
this was our song.

Exactly.

Shh.

[indistinct chatter]

You Bailey Salinger?

Yeah. Yes.

Oh, this isn't my beer.
This is my friend's.

-I was just holding it--
-Relax, I'm Honey.

The entertainment
for the bachelor party.

-Oh, hi.
-Hi.

Bailey, everything, uh...
Everything cool here?

Yeah, everything's cool.
Everything's cool.

This is...Honey.

This is, uh...

This is Dudley and Neil
and Leo and Greg.

-Hey-hey.
-Hi, Honey.

Hey.

-Howdy.
-You're the stripper?

I prefer
"sartorially-challenged."

What does, uh,
"sartorially" mean?

Naked.

-What floor?
-Fourth.

-So you got the tapes?
-Got 'em.

-You got the booze.
-That's it?

Nobody would sell
to me.

It's lucky I talked
some guys at Sip and Shop
into buying this.

Oh, jeez, how pathetic.

[Dudley]
So, officer.

Are you gonna
read me my rights?

I'm hoping you can
and will hold it against me.

Oh, like I've never heard
that one before.

[all laugh]

[elevator clangs]

[Bailey]
Uh-oh.

[thumping]

[sighs]

[woman moans through wall]

What the--

[man through wall] Yes...

Oh, this has gotta
be a joke.

[banging]
Very funny, Dudley!

[woman moans]

Dud, that you?

[woman through wall] Yeah!

[man through wall] Oh, God. Oh, God.

[woman through wall] Yeah.

[sighs]

[door opens]

[man and woman moaning
through door]

It's my husband.

I'd introduce you,
but I think he's busy.

Aw, man, I'm...

I'm sorry.

We just got
this new answering machine.

I... I guess he didn't know

that if you pick up the phone,
it keeps taping.

[laughs]

Oh, it's a hell of a way
to find out, don't you think?

Oh, I don't know
what I'm doing here.

[sobs]

If I knock on that door...

Do you want to, um...
just talk?

I mean, I'm just--
I'm right over here.

Claudia, forget it.
It wasn't so terrible.

Where's that heating pad?
Is it in here?

I swear it said
"Healing Massages"
in the Yellow Pages.

I mean, how are you
supposed to know

how to say,
"Stop torturing me"
in Romanian?

Believe me, I'm learning it
before I go back there again.

-Could you put the news on?
-[music plays]

I wanna hear
what the weather's
gonna be like tomorrow.

Uh...In a minute.
I-I like this song.

Please, God,
don't let it rain.

Oh, I bet
the pad's upstairs.

-Wait, wait, wait!
-What?

-What's going on?
-Shh. Listen.

It's a little loud.

[announcer on radio]
We have some requests
and dedications.

The next song
goes out to Kirsten
with love from Claudia.

["Get An Ugly Girl To Marry You"
playing]

-Claud!
-Surprise!

That's so sweet.
What song is--

It's the wrong song,
you stupid jerk!

Well, you're not
too sentimental, are you?

Hey, I said
play something romantic.

Oh, I know you did.
I'm sure you did.

[laughs]

But it's funny, Claud.

I mean, really, it is.

Come here.

[giggles]

[both singing
"Get An Ugly Girl To Marry You"]

[audience applauding]

Thank you very much.
We're gonna take a little break.

We'll be back
in a minute.

[cheering]

-Ow! That was my foot!
-Sorry.

-Are you?
-You know what?

I'm gonna go find
someone else to sit with.

Do you have to be
this mean to me all the time?

You know, it's not like things
have been great for me, either.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Well, I would've sent
you a card, but Hallmark
doesn't make one,

"So your boyfriend's in prison."

Justin?

What?

Isn't that your dad?

[Justin]
What's he doin' here?

Who's that woman?

-Justin, maybe it isn't
what you think.
-Son of a bitch.

Yeah, well, what did it
look like to you?

Did it look like
a business meeting?

'Cause that's
what he told my mom.

Wait. Don't go yet.

No, no, no, I gotta
get out of here, okay?

Open spaces.

Wide open spaces.

A big field.

Uh-huh. All right, thanks.

They're still working on it.
They said not to go anywhere.

Everybody's a comedian, huh?

Julia is at the hottest show
in San Francisco.

Claud and Kirsten are out
getting massages.

Will and Sarah are probably
giving each other massages.

Was it something I said?

You know,
you'd probably be

a lot more comfortable
without that jacket.

Yeah, right, like I wanna
plummet to my death in pasties.

[man]
Here. You need this
more than I do.

Don't look at me.
You hired her.

Yeah, for the party
that never was.

I mean, look at this!

We're stuck here,

and Charlie is sitting alone
in some empty hotel room,

trying to find something
to watch on SpectraVision,

bored out of his mind.

[woman]
It's that new woman
at his office.

Every day, he comes home
and says how funny she is.

Or it's the girl
at the dry cleaners.

I know she always
flirts with him.

What is the room number
next door? I'm gonna call.

Monica, that's not a--

No, I have to find out
who she is!

What if I know her?

What if she's someone
that I know?

What if she's beautiful?

I bet she probably is young
and beautiful and...

He used to think...

He used to...

I could be attractive
to a man.

Maybe not at this second,
but...

Do you think
someone could find me...

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

I'm sorry.

Am I keeping you
from something?

Nah. Just...
this bachelor party.

It's supposed to be.

I'm surprised
everybody's not here yet.

Is it a good friend of yours
who's getting married?

Yeah. Um...
We're pretty close.

Oh.

Why?

There's a bar in the lobby.

Maybe...

Can I buy you a drink?

Sure. Yeah.

I have time for that.

-[Bailey] Finally.
-[man] Jeez, Louise!

We sure took
the scenic route.

[Honey]
Come on, I gotta pee
like a racehorse!

Well, all the lights are on,
but nobody's home.

Hey, I'm starving.
Anybody else for room service?

It's weird
he's not here.

Where do you think
he is?

I don't know.
Maybe he's getting some air?

Maybe he's out getting some.

Ooh, beer me.

Just let we have a large pizza,
extra anchovies. Good.

No.

No way.

[Monica]
I'm trying.

I'm trying, but it
just doesn't make any sense.

What is he looking for
up there,

apart from the obvious?

I don't know.
Man, I've never met him.

Oh, come on.
You're a guy.
Help me out.

Maybe he's...scared
to be with one person.

Maybe the idea of that,
for the rest of his life,

I mean, that's...
That's big.

I swear I don't get that.

Yeah, well, I don't get needing
75 pairs of shoes. I mean...

Oh, yeah, right.

They're exactly the same.

What is wrong
with waking up

next to one person who you love
for the rest of your life?

Is it like there's
some cosmic scorecard?

He who's racked up the most
before he dies wins?

I don't know.

Oh.

Well...

How many women
have you slept with?

Excuse me?

I'm sorry.
Listen to me.

I mean, we've only
known each other
for, what, 20 minutes?

Thirty.

Minutes or women?

Um, both, actually,
more or less.

Thirty.

Do you even remember
all their names?

I'm not 100-percent sure
I knew them all to start with.

Uh!

You asked.

Okay.

Okay, but...

But if you were to meet
the right woman,

the perfect, right,
wonderful woman,

you could give all that up,
couldn't you?

I guess I'd have to.

Yeah, well,

not according to my husband.

Hey, you know
that friend of yours,

the one who's
getting married? What about him?

Tell him
he better mean it.

Tell him, if he's gonna stand up
in front of God and everyone

and promise to love
some woman forever,

he better make sure

he's got all that other crap
out of his system.

Tell him I said so.

So, what's our feature
presentation for tonight,

Ms. Salinger?

It's An Affair to Remember.

Ah!

Excellent choice.

I never heard of it.

But at the place,
they said it was good.

Okay.

[sleazy saxophone music plays]

Claudia, where did
this tape come from?

From the video store.

What is that?

You don't wanna know.

[sighs]

I can't believe this.

I bet whoever got
our movie is saying
exactly the same thing.

I ruined everything.

This was supposed to be
your great, special night,

and every stupid thing I did,
it just...

What's the use of making plans

if they're all just
gonna get messed up?

Hey, sweetie.

Sometimes the best things
happen that way.

Yeah, right.

Like how I ended up here.

I had five interviews that day.

And I could've gone
to any one of them,

except my car
wouldn't start.

I got a job,
I met all you guys,

and I fell in love.

I'm getting married tomorrow

because this was the one
interview that I could walk to.

Hey.

What, are you
following me around?

No.

Stupid bar up the street
wouldn't let me in.

Good.

So, what are you gonna...

Um...

Are you gonna say
something to him?

I don't know.

I don't... I don't want
any crummy excuses

or lies or...

No.

I'm not doing this.
I'm not doing this with you.

Justin, you should
talk about it.

-Talk to me.
-About screwing around?

Why don't you go have
that conversation with him.

You guys have
that in common.

Can't you stop being angry
for, like, five minutes?

I wanna help you.

-Give me a break, okay?
-I do.

Look, just forget about
the last few months, okay?

I mean, you and I,
we have always been--

I mean, when my parents...

You were the first one
I called.

I know that.

Listen, I'm here,
and I care about you.

And you shouldn't have to
deal with this alone.

Justin, who else are you
gonna talk to about this?

Come on.

No.

I can't.

Uh...

you and me,

we're not friends. We're not anything.

About six feet,

uh, long, dark hair,

kind of scruffy-beard
thing going on.

With a woman, maybe.

Okay, thanks.

We should charge this
to his room.

That'd show him.

It's on me.

No. I kept you
from that party.

I want to.

I don't want you
thinking that all men
are pigs or anything.

I knew I met you
for a reason.

Hi.

I... I don't wanna
go home yet.

He's probably
back there by now.

He's probably
wondering where I am.

[giggles]

Good.

Oh, I think I'm gonna
get a room and crash.

I'll be Scarlett O'Hara
and worry about it tomorrow.

I think that's
a very decent plan.

Just now?

Okay, thanks. Thanks a lot.

[rings]

So, Charlie,

we're friends now, right?

Sure. You bet.

Then, maybe you won't mind
if I ask you a small favor?

Would you...

sleep with me?

What?

A, I think
you're really cute.

And two, I think
what I need to do
right now

is to even the score,

to level the playing field.

I mean, isn't there
that expression,

"turn about is foreplay"?

I think it's "fair play."

Whatever.

Am I signing
in the right place?

[giggles]

[siren wailing]

-Going down?
-No, I'm not.

-What time have you?
-Ten after five.

Oh, great.

[man]
Oh, no. Oh, no!

He thinks
she's not coming.

She got hit by a car!
That's why she's not there?

How can he not hear the siren?
It's her ambulance.

I can't take this.

So are you in,
or are you out?

Call. What do you got?

Um, two pair.

Ha!

The house is full!

But not that full.

Straight flush!

[humming]

[exhales]

[door opens]

Wait, maybe that's, uh...

Oh. Still not him.

Can I talk to you
for a second?

Excuse me.
You kids go ahead.

I saw them. I saw them
getting a room together.

[sighs]

I guess Charlie decided
not to go so gently

into the good night after all.

What?

Do you think
this is funny?

No. I just...

No, no, I don't.

Well, who is she?

Do you think
it's somebody
that he knew?

Somebody that he met
down in the bar?

Somebody that he...
That he picked up

in the, in the gift shop
buying magazines?

I can't even
begin to guess.

You know, I did this.

I dragged him here.

There was something
going on with him.

I knew that,
and he was trying to tell me,

but no, I have to throw him
a party in a hotel

with women and beds.

I just-- I walked him
right into this.

Bailey, listen to me.

You didn't anything.

Your brother's an adult.
He did this.

Yeah, well...

He expects me
to stand up for him tomorrow,

be his best man
and make some toast

congratulating
the happy couple?

Well, forget it.

Forget it. I won't.

You're nervous.
[giggles]

That's sweet.

I am a little too.

You'll be the first one
in a long time,

other than
what's-his-name.

Other than Stuart.

Monica, no.

No, it's all right.
I want to.

Only because...

you're drunk

and you're hurt
and pissed off.

Oh, come on.

You don't even have to remember
my name tomorrow. How's that?

Look, I'm sorry,
but we're not...

Why?

I'm not good enough
to be number 31
on the Charlie list?

Are you kidding?

A year and a half ago,
me and you in a hotel,

it's all I would have
been thinking about.

But...

But...

I've kind of been using you,

you know,
to figure something out.

Well, I've been using you, too,
so we're even.

I'm in love with someone.

Kirsten.

Her name's
Kirsten, and...

I don't know why
I didn't say anything.

I should have.

And, you know,
before,

when you asked me
if I could give up
other women,

the truth of it is,

I didn't know
the answer to that
until just now.

But, it's yes.

No matter how beautiful
and how tempting,

the answer is yes.

[rock hits window]

[sighs]

[taps]

[sighs]

Did I wake you up?

It's okay. All right.

Here's the deal.

This-- This does not mean
that we're friends, okay?

I mean, uh...

tomorrow we're...

We're still...

I need you right now.

Okay?

So I was going
to tell her,

my mother, uh...

I got home, and she was up.

She's... She's sewing.

I mean,
it's something that she
just does late at night.

Who knows why, but, uh...

And his car's there,
in the driveway.

He's, uh, he's home already.

He's home. He's, uh, asleep.

I mean, he goes out
with this, this whore,

and then he comes home,
and he sleeps in their bed.

I gotta tell her.

I don't...

I don't think you should.

Her husband is,
is cheating on her.

This is something--

She needs to know this!

Yeah.

But maybe
what's gonna happen is,

your dad's gonna realize
who he's supposed to be with.

That it was dumb to go
out looking for someone

different, or better,
or more exciting,

or whatever he thinks.

Maybe he's gonna
figure that out.

That he was with
the right person all along

to begin with.

And that trying
to be with someone else

was just a big mistake.

Is that...

what happened with you?

With us?

I don't know.

Looks like I missed
a pretty good party.

Yeah.

There were some
real highlights.

Let's see, uh...

We got stuck
in the elevator
for who knows how long.

The stripper never actually
took her clothes off.

I brought the wrong videos.

And, and, oh!

Oh, yeah!

I saw you go into a hotel room
with a woman,

who, what do you know,

isn't the one
you're marrying in ten hours.

-You saw us?
-Yeah.

When you didn't show up,
I went looking for you.

The woman, um, Monica,

caught her husband
cheating on her

in there, next door.

And, uh, I found her
in the hallway falling apart,

and you guys were
God knows where,

and she asked me
to keep her company.

So we went, and we had
a drink, and we talked.

Right.

Come on, Charlie.
I'm not an idiot, okay?

I saw
how you were yesterday.

I saw you freaking out
about your vows,

all that
"forsaking all others" stuff.

You went to a room with her.
You didn't just talk.

We just talked.

And yeah, something could've
happened pretty easily.

I mean, she wanted
something to happen,

but I didn't.

I have Kirsten,
and I don't want anyone else.

End of story.

You finish
writing your vows?

I can't come up
with anything.

Well, you just did.

Really. What you just said.

That pretty much covers it.

Okay. Thanks.

Look at you.
You're this...

This grownup.

This man.

This married man. I wish they were here
to see you like this.

Or maybe they know.

I hope they know.

[Kirsten]
Claud?

Wow!

I couldn't sleep, so I figured
I'd do a little dress rehearsal.

What do you think?

Wow.

Kirsten...

There's this piece I play.

It's the andante from
Mendelssohn's Fourth.

It's the prettiest
music I know.

That's what you look like.

[machine whrring]

Charlie.

Oh, hey, George.

I didn't mean to scare you.

I just wasn't expecting you,
that's all.

Yeah.

Just needed to be some place
quiet for a while,

clear my head.

Waxing the floor?

Uh-huh.

Shiny.

Thank you.

You wanna take
a little break?

Have a cup of coffee,
sit awhile?

Come on over.

You're the boss.

Yeah.

I'm the boss.

I'm the boss and...

kind of the dad.

Couple hours from now,
I'm gonna be the husband.

If I had a clue how to be even
one of those, I'd be happy.

[chuckles]

There was this woman tonight.

Last night,
whenever it was,

and she wanted me
to go to bed with her.

And she was pretty
and needy.

Always a good combination,
right, George?

[chuckles]

It felt like this test,
you know?

The snake
offering the apple,
that kind of thing.

And I said no.

So if it was a test,
I passed it.

Which means that I ought to be
feeling pretty good about now.

So, just let me
ask you a question.

How come I still feel
like I wanna run away
some place?

How come I-I feel
like I can't breathe?

How come it feels like
somebody's got their fist
around my lungs,

and they're just...

I don't know.

Yeah.

I don't know, either.

I don't know, either.

You got a quarter?
Nickel?

Anything?

[places coin on table]

Thanks.

Okay, this is it.

Heads, I, I get married.

Tails...

Tails, I...

Huh. How about that?

Best two out of three.