Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 7 - The Treaty - full transcript

Oh hey, Ben.

Have you seen my complete
collection of all

193 national flags?

Ooh! Here they are.

Wow!

So, I've been asked to run
this year's Model UN

at Pawnee Central High School.

Attendance has been low.

And if I don't make it awesome,
they may cancel it.

I wonder if I'm gonna make it awesome.

...Or I can be South Korea,
you can be Bangladesh.



You can form like a
Trans-Asiatic alliance.

Yeah, I like it.
And I see the merits of it.

I just worry
if we're both in Asia,

- it might limit our scope.
- Mm.

I kinda want to roll up
my sleeves

and make geopolitical
problem-solving my bitch.

Amen, brother.

Let's go back to plan "A."
I'll be Denmark, you be Peru.

Yes!

Oh, I didn't really do

Model United Nations
in high school, so...

Oh, wait.
I super-did.

I need a few more
volunteers.

Andy, will you be Iceland?



The bad guys
from Mighty Ducks 2?

- Don't think so.
- Okay, how about Japan?

The bad guys
from Karate Kid 2?

Even worse.
How 'bout Germany?

They've never been
the bad guys.

Why don't you be Finland?

- Okay.
- Okay?

And I'll be the Moon.

No, you're gonna be
South Africa or...

- Pakistan.
- I'm the Moon, or I quit.

- April.
- Moon or quit, man.

Fine. You be South Africa,

and you can also secretly
run the moon.

The Moon accepts
your ridiculous proposal.

Ron! You wanna join us?

Look!
I'll let you be America.

And teach kids that not
only is government good

but that there should be
a World-wide super-government?

I'd rather sand down
my toenails.

Every three weeks, I have
to sand down my toenails.

They're too strong
for clippers.

Excuse me.

Are you Leslie Knope?
Oh, what am I talking about?

- Of course you are.
- Bonjour, Madame Ambassadeur.

Thank you so much for coming

and trying to help save
our club.

We're so excited to see

a true Pawnee Model U.N.
legend in action.

- Thank you. - I really wouldn't
describe myself

as a Model U.N. legend.

I'd go with icon.
Or hero.

Look, if you ask me,
Enron is down but not out.

Who doesn't like
a comeback story?

All right, you wanna hear
my plan, get at me later.

I gotta meet up
with an old friend.

All right, peace, man.

Let's go do this lunch thing.

I just have one more
quick interview.

I'm still trying to find
your replacement.

That is, unless you want
your old job back.

I told you before, Ronseph,
I moved on to bigger things.

E720 going under
was a blessing.

I'm tearing it up
all over town like a boss.

Sounds great, Tommy.

I've offered Tom his job back
several times,

and each time he's told me
he's just too busy

being an entrepreneur.

Then two days ago,

I saw him spraying cologne
samples at Macy's.

The young man
has a lot of pride.

This isn't gonna be easy.

Ann Perkins.

- Hey, Chris, how's it going?
- Not good.

- Can I talk to you?
- Okay.

I'm not sure
if you're aware,

but I am romantically
involved

with Jerry Gergich's
surprisingly hot daughter

- Millicent Gergich.
- Yeah.

You were grinding with her
pretty hard

at April's Halloween party.

That's correct. Anyway,
we've been on four dates,

but now Millicent Gergich

hasn't returned
my last two phone calls.

I think the relationship
may be in trouble,

and I don't know why.

Wow. A four-date-long
relationship

might not be 100% perfect?

I think you should launch
a full-scale investigation.

The root of sarcasm
is truth, Ann.

I am going to launch
a full-scale investigation.

And I sincerely thank you
for that suggestion.

Glad I could help
in these trying times.

Sarcasm again!

You're a delight.

You've all been
preparing for months

for this year's
geopolitical scenario...

global food crisis.

Security Council,
we need you to lead us,

or billions of people
will starve to death.

But most importantly,
have fun.

Due to my campaign,

the romantic aspect
of our relationship is over.

And I'm totally fine
with that.

But Ben and I have so much
in common.

I mean,
we're amazing friends.

And friendship is better

because friends help you move.

They drive you to the airport.

Boyfriends just...
love you and marry you.

Jerry! I am launching
a full-scale investigation

into my romantic relationship
with your daughter

Millicent Gergich,

and I thought I could pick
your brain.

Aw, jeez, I really shouldn't
be involved in someth...

Quick recap...
things were going wonderfully.

We clicked
on an emotional level.

And then suddenly, I just
stopped hearing from her.

Now, you must know her
pretty well... what gives?

Here's what I saw go down.

Donna! Yeah!
Get in on this.

You're too accessible.

Every time she calls,
you answer.

You gotta dangle the carrot,

literally
and metaphorically.

- Thank you, Donna!
- Thanks, Donna.

So...Courtney.

This says you retired
in 1968.

No, no, no.

I was fired because I made
a pass at an ethnic woman.

And what have you been doing
for the last 43 years?

Oh, you know,
hitchhiking around.

I went to Mexico.
I met a lot of ethnic girls.

They grow on trees
down there.

I was in jail for a spell...

That about
brings it up to date.

Sounds to me
like you're ready

to get back in the game,
Courtney.

We'll be in touch.

Another very strong
candidate.

Are you insane?

He was a million-year-old
racist!

He said he liked
ethnic girls, Tom.

I'm sorry, Ron,
but I created a legacy here,

and I need to make sure
it's protected.

Let's bring in
some more people.

In my four years here,

I revolutionized the position
of administrator

and made this place cool.

I was the first person

to abbreviate Parks and
Recreation Department.

First it was
Parks and Recreation.

Then Parks and Rec.

Then P&R.

Then lengthened it
just a little bit to...

Tommy's place.

Okay, wait a minute.
I think I have it.

What if we dropped
interest rates.

- Would that help you?
- Maybe.

But what if Brazil
and Argentina

use their oil deposits
as collateral?

Oh, that's really good.

Under-exaggerate much,
France?

Ha ha!

Nice!

Hey, Leslie, you ready?

- Oh! - Ow.
- Sorry. - That's okay.

- Hi, William.
- Hi. You ready?

Yes. Absolutely. Um...They
want me to do a photo op

for the campaign

so I can bolster
my education credentials.

- Can we just press pause here?
- How long is it gonna take?

I'm not really sure.

Can you just tread water
until I'm ready?

Oh, sure, yeah.

I'll just tread water
until you're ready.

Thanks, buddy.

Leslie and I
aren't dating anymore,

but, uh, we're friends.

So it's fun.
It's just fun.

It's fun...
it's... fun...

It is fun.

Thanks a lot.

Yes!

Honey! I just traded Finland's
military to Kenya

for 50 lions.

That's pretty good, right?

- Yeah...
- Okay.

But also militaries
are pretty good

at protecting countries.

But so are lions.

And you don't have to
pay them.

These kids are idiots.

I've just traded
all of Finland's boring stuff

for every other country's
lions?

I definitely have more lions

than any other country
in the whole world right now.

I have no idea
what's going on.

But if that ends up meaning
something in this game,

I'd say I'm set.

Hey, so Russia and China

are about to propose
their own plan,

so the kids kinda want
to get ours out there.

Oh, okay... this should probably
only take five more minutes.

Let's say 10 or 15
to be safe.

Well, how about
me make it a cool 40?

I'm sorry.
It's just important.

Well, this is important too.
It's kinda why we came here.

I'm sorry, could you...
Just step over here?

- You're in the shot.
- Oh, of course.

Her life is so awesome.

You're lucky you're friends
with her.

Shut up, Bulgaria!

I know, well, that's the
great thing about treaties,

- It doesn't even matter.
- Hey! I'm back.

Or, as they say in Denmark...
"I'm back."

Most people speak English.

So are you guys ready
to polish off this treaty?

Oh, uh... actually,
I merged our treaty

with Russia
and China's treaty.

I got cut out
of my own treaty?

Yeah. I got sick
of treading water,

so I swam over to Asia,
made a deal.

The nation of Denmark
would like to formerly request

a summit
with the nation of Peru

over there
by the refreshment table.

Because the nation of Denmark
needs a juice box.

I am shocked an appalled
by the actions

of the honorable delegate
from Peru.

Leslie, just...

look...

I thought I could handle
being friends with you.

But I can't, okay?

Now, we agreed the other night

that we can't spend time
together.

I think that was
the right call.

But that was in
a romantic way.

We can still spend time
together as friends.

It doesn't work that way.

You can't just chop up
the aspects of a relationship

into discrete parts

and select the ones you want
like a buffet.

- Why not?
- Because it's selfish.

Stop being obtuse.

Look, I understand
where he's coming from.

But I have been nothing
but straightforward with him,

and if anyone
in the entire world

should understand the difficult
position I'm in, it's...

It's just I've made an effort

and I've shared
my flags with him,

and suddenly,
he doesn't want to be friends?

You know what?

That leaves me
with only one option.

Just excuse me for a...

Attention.
This is an urgent world matter.

Due to a recent betrayal,
my homeland,

the great state of Denmark,

has officially decided
to declare war on Peru.

Scandinavian brothers,
on my signal.

Unleash hell!

See, I just don't believe
in this whole

don't let people know
how you feel nonsense.

I love telling people
how I feel.

Mostly because
I love most people.

And I love telling them
that I love them.

You didn't tell that girl
you love her, did you?

- No. I'm not crazy.
- What is this urgent meeting

with Donna and Jerry?

Ann Perkins.
I took your advice.

- My sarcastic advice.
- Precisely.

And we're getting
to the bottom

of what's going on
with me and Jerry's daughter,

and I thought you would be
a tremendous addition

to this think tank.

This is incredibly
inappropriate.

- Oh, thank you!
- Okay, I'm game.

No. I'm not kidding.

My name's Gary,
and I'm from Gary, Indiana.

Amazing.

People like hearing that.

It's probably one of my
stronger anecdotes.

A fact is not
an anecdote, Gary.

Here's an anecdote...

Today I met the most
boring man in the world.

His name was Gary.

Hmm.

Now...

Keith.

Under sex, you wrote...

"Yes. Ha ha, ha ha,
ha ha."

- Well-played.
- Thank you.

Ah, but all jokes aside.

I'm a boy.

Keith, I had this job
for four years.

And I can tell you, you get out
of it what you put into it.

What are you hoping
to get out of it?

In like a month or so.

- What?
- Oh...What!

What am I hoping
to get out of this job?

Yeah.

Yeah. Like one...
one month of money...

Would be...
would be just right.

Let me give you a situation.

You're hosting a town hall
meeting for local businesses.

Uh...
That's so much stuff.

You just, uh... kept on going.

That was like one thing.

I didn't even get
to the situation yet.

Oh!
All right.

Well, thanks, guys.

I think we've all seen enough.

Still not totally sure
what I'm applying for.

But...if you ask me,
I think it went pretty well.

What we need to focus on
is how to destroy Peru,

specifically
one person who lives there.

Madame Ambassador,
are you changing the scenario?

We didn't prepare for this.

Global politics can change,
and scenarios can arise

and suddenly you're just like,
"wait, I thought this one thing,

"but look over there.
That's a different thing,

and it's changing everything,"
and I'm like, "what?"

Hold up."
Who has tanks for me?

I-I'm sorry, but...

We're gonna keep trying
to solve the food crisis.

Food schmood.
This is war.

God, it's time for you
to nut up, Switzerland.

Well, well, well,
look who is brave enough

to show his face in Europe.

Say the word, Leslie.

I'll sick my army
of lions on him.

Okay, look, I think, um...

Things are starting to get
a little out of control here.

I agree.
You betrayed me,

and you went behind my back,
and now you need to pay.

I need to... I need to pay.

Do I stutter?

Oh. Okay. Fair enough.

Oh, you know what?
You might wanna borrow this.

Ew, no one wants your
dirty underwear, Ben.

It's not dirty underwear.
It's a white flag,

and you may as well start
waving it right now...

the only thing
I will be waving

is your decapitated head
on a stick

in front of your
weeping mother!

Good lord.

They were duds, Ron.

Really,
anything would be better

than the people
we interviewed today.

I guess you're right, Tom.

I'm not gonna find
another you.

You were perfect.

Competent enough to keep
the bosses off my back,

but selfish enough
to slow down all the work.

Tom Haverfords
don't grow on trees.

If they did, I'd sell 'em.

Tommy trees.

Would you consider
coming back?

Sorry, Ron.
No can do.

I'm like a shark.
I don't swim backwards.

See ya later, man.

We've been making
great strides

with genetically modified
crops

and would gladly pledge
to continue the growth of...

excuse me,
Madame Ambassador.

- Excuse me.
- I'm not finished.

Oh, really?

Then why do I have
the microphone?

I move that the Security Council
formally condemn Denmark

and stop them from making

any more unwarranted
acts of aggression.

As long as you quit
derailing the conference.

People are dying of hunger
in Africa.

Oh, cry me a river.

All in favor
of the resolution.

- What?!
- Oh, that's interesting.

The resolution passes
with flying colors.

Denmark is formally condemned.

Bam!

That's no problemo, Peru,

because Denmark no longer
recognizes the authority

of this international
gang of thugs.

And history
will be unkind to those

who stand opposed
to justice.

Together, we stand...
and I ask all of you...

who is ready to join
the Coalition of the Willing?

The Moon shall join
your coalition.

Yeah!
We got the freaking moon.

What are you gonna do
without tides, Peru?

Okay. We need to stop
dealing in hypotheticals.

Ann, we dated.
What happened to us?

Really?
Do you... wanna get real?

Sure.
Sounds like fun.

Sometimes your relentless
cheeriness is confusing.

Like that time we went
to Eagleton

and we got that hotel room
with the jacuzzi...

Ooh, this just
got real good!

And the jacuzzi broke.

But I did... eat food
off of your body.

- Oh, come on.
- All right, Chris and Ann!

I just wanna
go back to work.

So the Coalition
of the Willing

is Denmark, Botswana,
and the Moon.

The big three.

Now, here's what
we're gonna do.

Ben is probably shoring up
his support in South America.

While he does that,
we are gonna make sure...

Attention!

The Security Council
has decided to expel

Peru and Denmark
from the United Nations.

Madame Ambassadeur...
Pourquoi?

'Cause you guys suck.
Look around.

We thought you were gonna teach
us how to solve problems.

You've ruined my favorite club.
Thanks a lot.

Did we win?

I think we won!

What were we trying to do?
I learned so much today.

I just wanted to say

that I thought
it was really cool

how everything
fell apart in there.

And also,
maybe you should talk to Ben.

No. He's being a jerk.

Please?
When Ben gets upset,

he becomes
a really bad roommate.

He takes really long
sadness baths

and makes me late for stuff.

I hate it here.

Can't wait to graduate.

Yeah, but summer's
gonna totally kick ass.

So you're saying

that I intimidated you?

- No. Not exactly.
- Come on.

Talk more about that tantric
workshop y'all went to.

I was so into you, okay,

and you basically turned me into
a female version of yourself,

and then you got bored
dating me

because you were
dating yourself.

Huh...

I mean, I was jogging.
I hate jogging.

- Jogging's amazing!
- Jogging is the worst, Chris.

I mean, I know it keeps you
healthy,

but God, at what cost?

Well, I'm sorry that I added
five years to your life.

Now I'm being sarcastic.

Like you. I'm doing
something that you like.

Being with you

definitely made me do
a lot of soul-searching,

and I came out the other side

being a much more
self-possessed person.

Well, I'm glad.

Good luck with Millicent.
Just back off a little bit.

Let her be herself.
Everything'll be fine.

Thank you.

If you rearrange
the letters of Peru,

you could spell Europe.

That's...
That's not true.

Well...
You have to rearrange them.

- Oh...
- Delegates!

I know that you're angry
with each other.

Hopefully, this will be
your opportunity

to have your very own
Camp David.

In high school,

my buddy David Fundis
would have

these campouts
in his backyard.

We would just chill out,
have a bonfire,

talk about whatever
was on our mind.

We called it camp David.

How do you know about
Camp David?

How do you know about
camp David?

Ooookay.

You guys are being stupid,
so why don't you work it out

- while Andy and I...
- Throw these scientist bottles

- off the roof?
- No.

That's right.
See ya.

Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

It's bad enough
that we can't be together,

but the thought of us
not being friends is...

Is just too crappy
for me to handle.

I was... perhaps

a little icier
than I needed to be.

I just need you
to be in my life.

You're too important to me.

I wish I could say
it's possible.

I just... I don't know
if it is right now.

Well, I propose a treaty

that states that we have
a fun conversation

once a day at work
for five minutes.

I'll take it
to the Peruvian senate.

Or whatever.

- Please do that.
- I'll try.

I'll see what they say.

What do we do
with those kids?

We totally ruined
their club.

I could tell you what I would
like when I was their age.

Ben, how are we gonna get
Kathy Ireland

to do naked aerobics
for them?

Okay. I regret
telling you that... very much.

Hey.

Oh, hey, Ron.

All right.
I gotta come clean.

I saw you spraying
cologne samples at Macy's.

What? Macy's?
That wasn't me.

There's a Macy's in town?
Where's the Macy's in town?

I heard they have an amazing
cologne sample guy.

Just take the job, Tommy.
Come on back.

I quit to peruse my dream.

And my dream collapsed.
It's embarrassing, Ron.

I can't go from a CEO back
to being an administrator.

Is there anything I can do

to make you feel okay
about coming back?

Everyone, please...

Help me.

I'm trying to get Tom back.

I'm...

begging.

This department just doesn't
work without you.

What do you say?

Ron, this is embarrassing.
Even for you.

I'm not coming back.

Peace out, my dudes.

Excuse me, everyone.

That was great.

So what I'm thinking is
I'll come back in a few days,

you'll beg me again...

aah!

So if it's okay with you guys,

I would like to ask Ron
for my job back.

Ron...

May I have
my job back, please?

Thank you.

I will see you all Monday.

Looking forward to it.

Ah, France,

bienvenue.

My name is Cassidy,

- and I'm really annoyed with you.
- Yes.

And you have
every right to be,

but we're hoping what we're
gonna show you right now

will make up for that.

- What?
- Oh, my God!

Pawnee
City Council chambers.

The nicest room in City Hall
by a factor of like a million.

Go ahead.
Sit down.

Leslie and I feel terrible

for war breaking out
at your Model U.N.

Which, for the record,
Denmark would have won,

but that's neither here
nor there.

Thanks to a coordinated effort

between the parks department
and the city manager's office,

three months from now,
we are gonna hold

a State-wide Model U.N.
In this room,

- and you're gonna run the show.
- What?

And we will just be...
not here.

- Or taking some small countries.
- No, no, no, no.

No. Fine.
Not here.

- Sound good?
- Yes!

Those kids are passionate
about something.

That's important.

That's all there is, really,
is passion.

Passion is what makes
for good treaties...

- Cheese!
- Good relationships...

Good pizza.

Good friends.

Good everything.

Including wars.

*

Ladies and Gentlemen,

"He was gone but never
forgotten."

"He makes all the ladies
want..."

No, I'm not gonna say that.

"Swagger... beats...

and I get the...
Who's the..."

All right, forget it.

Welcome back, Tom Haverford!

Tick-tock,
it's Tommy time!

I'm sorry,
I have to object again.

This just seems unfair.
I understand that, Jerry.

But the problem is
is that Tom came back

and Andy's my assistant, so I
kinda need him close to me.

Okay, but I can't even
hear anything

because of the noise
from the copier.

Sorry. These are
really important.