Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 5 - Meet 'n' Greet - full transcript

Hmm. Eyeballs wrapped,
uhm... vampire teeth

Boom! Vampire teeth.

Good.
Spider webs.

- Done.
- Mm-hm.

Fake blood capsules.

Oh, they didn't have any.

Really?

That's gross,
I love it.

We are throwing a Halloween
party at our house.

It's gonna be
the greatest thing ever.

Someone will die.



Of fun!

And of murder.

And there's gonna
be beer, pumpkins...

Bloody goblins.

Fake ones.
It's gonna be awesome.

We have decorations...

Dead people that
we just murdered.

Not... murdered.

But pictures of dead people
from TV or movies.

Mutilated bodies.

B-but fake ones.

Candy, dancing, Tequila.

All kinds of food and snacks.

Blood orphans.



No blood orphans.

I...I don't know
what that is.

♪ ♪

I want you on message,
and the message is...

Leslie Knope.

If you're not
talking about you,

you're talking about
the wrong thing.

I hate talking
about myself.

Get over it. I talk
about myself constantly.

Everyone loves me for it.

I really am amazing.

When you work in government,
people often suspect

that you're anti-business.

So I'm throwing
a little meet-and-greet

with business owners, and I've
asked Tom's company to help.

Here's my opening line:

"Hi, I'm Leslie Knope,
and I'm in the business

of being city councilor."

- Oh, my God.
- I'm not going to use that.

This is
your primary target.

President of the chamber
of commerce, Martin Kernston.

Oh, yes, from
Kernston Rubber Nipples.

"The nipple king."

Photos, BIOS,

likes, dislikes,
prescription medications.

I've heard
of Martin Kernston.

- I know a little bit about him.
- Oh, really?

Well, which of his advisors
does he trust more,

Ted Flirtman or Rex Spax?

Well, it depends, Flirtman
is more of a confidant--

I made up both those names.

Okay, I'm on it.

Get at me.

Jean-Ralphio, stop crying.

What?

Hold on, slow down. Hold on--

Allergic to chestnuts.

And... good haircuts.

It's too tight,
looser.

No, I feel like we need
to inflate it more.

No, I told you,
I'm a sumo wrestler

after he lost the weight.

I take it
we're having a party.

Dude!

I knew there was sometngng
I forgot to tell you. Sorry.

No, no, no,
it's fine.

Why should you guys
tell me

you're gonna have
an enormous party?

I-I didn't tell you I was gonna
be quietly working in my room.

- That's a good point.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess we're even.

If you need me, I'll--I'll
definitely be awake.

Because I-I won't...
be able to sleep.

Because of the party.

You know?

So...
All right.

My family is very
non-confrontational.

My parents' method
of problem-solving

is to kind of keep
everything bottled up

and just subtly hint
at what's bothering them.

And after 36 years,
they are still divorced.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Tom, this is not
what I pictured at all.

This looks like a party
for Entertainment 720.

Is Entertainment 720
running for office?

It's a small business.

You're trying to show people
you have a good relationship

with small businesses.

Now the party,
that's all about you, Boo.

Okay, then shouldn't my face
be on these rugs?

I'm sorry, no.

It's always been a dream
of mine to be a rug.

And it's finally happened.

Tom, now is not a time for you
to explore your weird dreams.

Okay? I want all of this gone,
all of it.

Except that cake.
Keep tha tcake here.

Just scrape off the words.

Donna?

Blue shirt...

Badge...

Nightstick.

You... are a policewoman.

Yup.

- You're a regular--
- Sherlock Holmes.

I solved that mystery
before you did.

Okay, this was fun.

Andy!

You are UFC legend
Chuck Liddell.

That's right.

Girl from The Ring.

To me, Sherlock Holmes
is literally

the greatest character
in the Western canon.

Smart, intuitive, handsome.

Replace his pasty
British frailty

with superhuman physical
fitness, and you get...

Sherlock Traeger.

Mister Potato head.

That's right.

Hey, where's my lovely
daughter tonight?

She's at home.

I knew that you would be here.

And I was worried that
you might be concerned,

seeing us together at night.

You're a very
thoughtful guy.

But really, I have no problem
with the two of you dating.

R-really, I mean,
look at you.

You're just, you know,
beautiful.

You're beautiful.

On the inside
where your spirit lives.

Listen, tell her come to the
party and I don't mind at all.

Oh, good, I'll text her.

Okay, you can text without
looking at your phone?

I think it's rude not to
maintain eye contact

with people that
I'm talking to.

That's from me.

Wow!

I--th-that's amazing.

- High five.
- Wow.

Hey, Ron.
Good to see you.

Weren't you a pirate
last year?

Yes. This is
my Halloween costume.

Andrew, are you aware that
your bathroom faucet is leaking?

Are you kidding me?

I just stuffed a sock
in it yesterday.

What else do they
want me to do?

There's an exposed wire
above the bathtub as well.

Oh, yeah, shockwire!

I call it that 'cause
if you take a shower

and you touch
the wire.

You die!

Yes, that is accurate.

Do you have a toolbox?

Yeah.

No home is complete
without a proper toolbox.

Here's April and Andy's.

A hammer.

Half of a pretzel.

Baseball card.

Some cartridge that says
"Sonic" and "Hedgehog."

A scissor half.

And a flashlight...

Filled with jellybeans.

Although I've not worked
with you professionally,

as a private citizen,
I have personally patronized

each and every one
of your establishments.

Mm, I've never seen you buy
a salad at Sue's Salads.

That's 'cause I don't
hate myself, Tanya.

I'm sorry.

I know I should be
chasing your vote,

but I stand behind my decision
to avoid salad

and other disgusting things.

And I think I have
a lot of support

in the community for that.

Despite the fact that this seems
like a party for Tom's face,

uh, I think
it's going pretty well.

When in doubt,
in Pawnee, slam salad.

I'm just
especially thankful

that you could come,
Mr. President.

- Martin.
- Martin.

You were responsible for
the Harvest Festival, right?

No. Yes. Well...

It was a team effort.
I barely did anything.

I held them back actually.

They succeeded
despite me.

I'm sorry. I worked
very hard on that event.

I'm just..

Bureaucrats s aren't used
to bragging about themselves.

Tom, come over here and talk
about how great I am.

♪ Martin ♪

Tom M Veverfor
I threw this shindig

Tom, tell Martin
how hard I worked

on the Harvest Festival.

It was incredible.

A lot of people say
the Harvest Festival

is what launched
Entertainment 720.

- No one says that.
- I just said it.

My company,
Entertainment 720,

has an amazing business
opportunity for Kernston's.

Mind if I steal you away
for a few seconds?

Give you the 'tails?

The 'tails?

The details.

Most people would probably
say "the deets."

I say "the 'tails."

Just one example
of innovation.

Look, I don't like
to throw around the word

"butthead" too often.

If you call everybody
a butthead,

then it kind of loses
its impact.

But I can say
without hesitation

that Tom is being
a real dick.

Hey!

You stole the nipple king.

Thanks a lot,
traitor.

I'm sorry, I just needed to
ask him about this one thing,

but we're all good now.

Wh-what if I just introduce you
for your speech?

I have a better idea.

Why don't you go over
to one of your rugs

and sit on your own face?

I don't need
your "help" anymore.

Hi there.

Is there a project
you're working on?

I know more than you.

All right.

When April and Andy married,

I didn't get them
a wedding present.

In my experience,
wedding presents

are nothing more than kindling
on a divorce bonfire.

But I think I found a way I can
really help them make a home.

You, beanbag,
come with me.

I'm an eggplant.

I don't care.
Come with me.

- Why?
- I need small hands.

I'm... scared.

Look who decided
to join the party, bro!

That's awesome!

Where's your costume?

Honey, he's wearing
a costume.

He's going as lame.

That's a pretty good
costume actually.

But, uh, I think the Batman
costume's way better.

You should go wear that.

Yeah, I don't think
I'm gonna put on a costume

because I'm not really
attending this party...

That's at my house.

Hey, listen, if you're
mad about something,

- you should just--
- No, I'm not.

I'm not mad.

Really? Listen,
I feel like you are mad.

So maybe you should
just talk to us about it.

My name's Ben.

I'm mad.

All right, that was great,

- Thank you. Thanks for that.
- Soft, soft lips.

Your fingers are salty.

I'm gonna finish my work--

Oren, no! No. Stay out.

Pawnee has suffered
through a tough economy.

And what has kept our town alive
is you, the small businessman.

And I'm not referring
to your stature, Gary.

You are a giant
in this community.

So many business
represented here today.

Food and Stuff,
JJ's Diner,

Glenmore Discount Cemetery,

uh, Tramp Stamp Tattoos,

Enormous Kenny's Fried Dough Stand
and Mobile Phone Emporium.

Who else?
Sue's Salads.

Smooth Operator
Bikini Waxes.

Jeff's Savings and Loan...

And Entertainment 720.

Thank you so much for
that amazing intro, Leslie.

Hi, folks.

My name is Tom Haverford,
and I'm here to tell you

a little bit about Pawnee's
premiere entertainment

and multimedia conglomerate,

♪ Entertainment 720 ♪

♪ where dreams come,
they come true ♪

How about we watch
this brief promotional film?

What?

♪ ♪

Entertainment 720 has been
a fixture of this community

since June.

Tom, listen to me.

Turn that off or
give me the remote right now.

Can we let it play please?

You're lucky that
Martin Kernston is here

because you're gonna need
another nipple.

♪ ♪

There.

I think I got it.

Yep, you got it.

Can you at least tell me
what you're doing?

I'm a homeowner.

I would like
to actually learn something.

Yeah.

I'm tightening the valve stem
into the valve shank.

I'm replacing the handle.

And then tightening
the set screw,

which will hold it in place.

Now...

Oh, my God!
We made it work.

It's a good feeling.

A sense of accomplishment
and pride.

Damn it, I just love it so much.

Are you okay?

Great.

I'm gonna go around
this house

and fix everything I can find
that needs fixing.

You wanna help?

I really do.

Good.

That's next.

I can't reveal
my identity

because of various
corporate enemies,

but suffice it to say,

I run a fairly popular
social networking site.

And let's face it,

booking e720 was the smartest
decision I ever made.

I hope you liked this story.

I invented Facebook.

Wow. Okay, um...

I know that video seemed like
the rantings of a lunatic

pretending to be
Mark zuckerberg--

- That's who that was?
- No.

That is impressive.

Uh, we're not gonna waste
any more of your time.

Agreed.
Let's get right to it.

Please welcome the e720
mailing list divas!

I want all of y'all
to write down the name

and direct phone line
for whoever's in charge

of hiring independent
contractors for your business!

Now come join me
and let's all take a dip

in the e720 mobile hot tub!

It's parked right outside.

Le'go.

- Hey, Ben.
- Hey.

Thought you weren't coming
to the party.

Well, I'm just
having a butterfinger.

Oh, really?

Is that okay?

No.

You're not part of the party,
you can't have the candy.

- Back up.
- All right.

- Back up.
- Okay.

I have one sister.

We steal
each other's stuff,

hack each other's
Twitter accounts,

set each other's
clothes on fire.

There are no rules.

We need to deal with
what's bothering you.

Oh, please,
come into my room.

See? You're angry at me and
you're not talking about it.

And I'm gonna beat you up until
you do, because I'm mature.

What are you--

Stop it.

I grew up with five brothers
and we fought.

Using the Dwyer method,
which was yelling,

wrestling,

crying,

followed by
lots of hugs.

And then more wrestling,
but the fun kind,

and then crying when
the fun kind of wrestling

got out of hand.

Um, can you
let me go?

Not 'til you tell me
what's wrong.

Um, Mr. President.

I just want to apologize for the
actions of that little weasel.

Leslie, I'm a frugal man.

I don't like extravagance
or showmanship.

That's why I cut
my own hair.

And it's what's made me
a successful businessman.

So if Entertainment 720 is
the kind of business you trust,

I'm afraid you and I
don't share the same values.

There you are,
you little bastard.

Get out of there
right now.

Leslie, can you do me a favor
and just let me sit here?

Tom, get out of your stupid
limousine hot tub right now,

or we are no longer friends.

I'm not getting out.

Fine, then I'm getting in.

Listen to me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
get away from me.

You know what you are? You're
a selfish little punk, okay?

Just because you want
something doesn't mean

that everybody has to bow to--

listen to me! You didn't even
let me have my one night.

Look at me!
I don't want to see your face.

Look at me.
I don't want to see your face!

I've been looking
at your face all night.

God!

I'm sorry.

What's wrong with you?

My company's bankrupt.

Okay?

Entertainment 720
is dead.

Oh, man.

Excuse us.

Nice form, son.

Make sure you keep
a firm pressure on the cranium.

On the cranium?

Listen up!

I have to turn off the power
for one minute.

We're gonna go dark, people.
Bear with us, okay?

We gotta switch off
the main fuse hose.

It's just a fuse.

It's just a fuse...People.
Just a fuse.

Well, maybe we should get
out of this hot tub.

I'm too sad
to get out.

And I'm all pruney.

What happened?

I don't know.

I guess I just didn't moisturize
enough this morning,

and I've been
laying around--

With the company, Tom.

We're hemorrhaging cash
ever since we opened.

They say you've got
to spend money to make money.

Well, I don't know
where we went wrong.

We spent all of our money.

Okay.

You know what you need?

Some good old-fashioned
comfort food.

Where are we gonna get
Albacore tuna

with crispy onions
at this hour?

Come on.

Looks like you've got the
handle on that torque wrench.

Yeah, well, the flange
was a little warped.

So I just goosed it with
a triple three bolt smack.

That was nonsense.

I know, but it's so fun
to talk like that.

You know what?

Keep this.

You earned it.

Thanks, Ron.

I need to get more dip.

Great.

I'm going.

- Come on, walk.
- No.

This is a pacifist protest.
Had enough?

You need to let go of me.

Yeah, get it. That's good.
There we go.

- Let go of me.
- He's got his back.

Come on, fight me.

- No!
- Noooo.

Nice! Yeah!

Oh, my God, Andy,
I am so sorry.

Psych!
Blood capsules.

- What?
- Yeah!

I wanted to shock you
into expressing your anger.

And that way--
! My nose is broken.

Oh, my God.

- I gotta go to the hospital.
- Andy, come on.

- Oh, my God.
- Didn't it feel good?

Come here.

Yup!

Wow, I thought you guys
were doing great.

I remember trying
to hire you once.

And you said
you were all booked up.

That was a business tactic.

For the first two weeks, we told
everyone we were booked solid

to make people want us more.

Oh, no, that's the stupidest
idea I've ever heard.

Well, hindsight is 20/20.

Kind of seems
like regular sight

should have caught that one.

Also, your logo, it's the worst
logo I've ever seen.

It doesn't make any sense.
It's gibberish.

We made some mistakes.

Tonight was my last chance
to land a big client.

And I failed again.

God, it's so embarrassing.

Oh, hey, Tom,
you're a smart guy.

And charming.
Occasionally.

You're gonna have
a lot more good ideas.

Thanks.

Sorry I screwed up
your campaign thing.

I really wanted
to do a good job.

I made you this amazing
video biography.

Of my life?

It's back at the office.

- Well, let's eat and go.
- Okay.

Didn't I ask for
whipped cream on this?

Ma'am?

Ugh, does it hurt?

Yeah, you broke
my nose, so...

- I'm sorry.
- But I don't even care.

Just get it all
out there, man. Go.

All right... maybe you have
to start thinking about

how--how your actions
affect me.

Like, tell me about stuff
happening in the house.

Stop referring to my bedroom
as a common space.

Stop using my comforter
for your pillow forts.

Just... respect me.

Absolutely.

- Really?
- Yep.

And in return, I'll only ask
for one thing,

which is for you to pay
for studio recording time

for my band to do
our new album.

It's gonna be about 5,600 bucks.
Deal?

That's not gonna happen.

Here's something for the pain
and some ice packs.

- Oh.
- You his friend?

Him? Hell, no.

We're brothers.

- Excuse me. Hey.
- Hi.

We should go.
I'm blocking an ambulance.

Ew, if your nose is
all weird after this,

I'm totally gonna
divorce you.

Whatever, I'm gonna
divorce you first

for wearing
my favorite hoodie.

Is everything cool?

- Yeah, it is.
- Let's go.

We just can't use
Ben's comforters anymore

for our pillow forts.

Ugh, what are we
gonna have sex on?

The year was 1975.

It was a time of trouble.

Watergate,
Vietnam,

Peter Gabriel
leaves Genesis.

But then,
a ray of hope...

Leslie Barbara Knope
was born on January 18, 1975.

And she has been a loyal patron
of its businesses ever since.

Tom Haverford is a selfish,
unctuous, sleazy,

self-promoting, good-hearted,
secretly kind and wonderful

tiny little person.

He went to
Kernston's office

and basically begged him
to meet with me again.

I think he technically
might have bribed him.

But hey, you know,
whatever works.

It was Mary pickford
who once said,

"This thing we call failure
is not the falling down,

but the staying down."

Tom won't be down for long.

Her name is Leslie Knope.

And I'm gonna vote for her.

And if Lil' Sebastian were still
alive, he'd surely vote for her.

And I reckon
you should too.

Did ya like it?

It's pretty great, right?

Worked really hard on it.

Yeah, I loved it.

I'm gonna watch it every day
for the rest of my life.

And when I die, I'm gonna
project it on my tombstone.

I had an amazing time
at that party.

And in the case of the woman
who's stolen my heart,

the culprit...
was Millicent Gergich.

You should look into
actual detective work.

I will.

And, Jerry, I've decided
to take your daughter home.

And we may be
having intercourse.

Please, you've got to stop
saying things like that to me.

You've got it, man.

Bye, dad.

Everything okay?

I can't find my car keys.

Solve this mystery, genius.