Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 17 - Campaign Shake-Up - full transcript

This is "The Final Word with Perd."
With your host, Perderick L. Hapley.
Issue number one is the first issue we're going to talk about.
Is Bobby Newport's campaign for city council in trouble?
When I say your names, I want you to respond.
Dylan.
Well, Newport's poll numbers have been plummeting.
They just fired his campaign manager,
and where's Bobby?
He's on vacation in Spain.
He's not on vacation, he's in hiding.
Every time the guy speaks, he puts his foot in his mouth.
[Laughs] That's a hilarious image.
A foot in a mouth.
It's a common expression.
Okay.
According to the newest polls,
Leslie knope is now in second place.
She's just 15 points back.
Whoa, yeah! [Cheering]
How did she close the gap?
You have to give a lot of credit
to her campaign manager, Ben Wyatt.
So apparently, Newport just fired his campaign manager
because Ben was kicking his ass.
Ben is the best campaign manager anyone could ever have.
Every move he's made has worked.
He's like a brilliant, sexy, little hummingbird.
What did you just say?
Nothing. Keep up the good work.
You're doing great.
[Chuckles]
Senior citizens are basically the only people who vote
in local elections, so if you want to win,
you gotta get the gray vote.
And to get the gray vote,
you need to get the endorsement of Ned Jones.
He's the president of Pawnee Seniors United.
He's like The Godfather but old.
The "grond" father, he's like--
It doesn't matter. He's important, and he's old.
Mr. Jones, such a pleasure to meet you.
Please don't get up.
Don't worry. I can't.
- Oh. - Just joking.
I can get up. But it's difficult.
But I can do it,
but it is hard.
Look, I don't have a lot of time.
Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
Is it... cancer?
No, I don't have a lot of time before my swim aerobics.
Oh.
Why are you better for seniors than Bobby Newport?
Three words:
Ramp Up Pawnee.
Pawnee is way behind the times
in terms of making its buildings wheelchair accessible.
Not enough ramps is the number three complaint
among Pawnee seniors...
Right behind "everything hurts" and "I'm dying."
You wanted to see me.
Good God. What the hell are you doing?
Upside-down sit-ups.
Great exercise, and it literally lets me see
the world from a different perspective.
Isn't there a men's gymnasium where you could do that?
The world's my gymnasium, Ron.
But I will stop if it makes you uncomfortable.
Could you hold me while I dismount?
[Groans]
- Thanks so much. - [Clears throat] You bet.
Question for you.
In a town of this size, the Parks department
traditionally has ten employees.
You have only seven. Why is that?
I work hard to make sure my department
is as small and ineffective as possible.
The department is so small because Leslie Knope
single-handedly does the work of four people.
And she's already scaled back her time.
If she wins, she'll be dividing her time
between Parks and City Council.
I'm going to have to hire a deputy director
to pick up the slack.
No! Chris, that's unnecessary.
The department is doing fine without Leslie.
Then prove it. Complete one major project.
Either we complete a government project
which is abhorrent to me,
or we bring a new person into the department,
which repulses me to my core.
Reminds me of when my dad made me choose
which of my pet calves to slaughter with my own hands
for my sixth birthday.
I couldn't choose, so I slaughtered both of them.
And they were delicious.
Essentially, we're going to put a ramp
on every building in town.
Like I always say,
stairs are a young man's game.
Damn straight.
This is very impressive.
You know, you remind me of my brother.
You have the same name, Leslie.
He lost a third of his body in a motorcycle accident.
The middle third.
But they sutured the hell out of him.
He's-- he's fine now.
Much shorter, but a good-looking, young, flat man.
What have you heard about Newport's new campaign manager,
Jennifer Barkley?
Uh, who?
She wants to have a meeting with me at 5:00.
I told her sorry.
I don't talk politics after dinner.
Oh my God... Newport hired a real Washington hotshot.
Wow, she worked with James Carville?
She ran two Republican congressional campaigns
and a Senate race.
Yeah, and check out this picture.
She's eating egg salad with Colin Powell.
That's the most impressive thing I've ever seen.
Why are you smiling?
Why is this terrifying information making you smile?
Newport's scared.
I mean, he must've shelled out a fortune to hire her.
- So what do we do next? - I'm going to set up a meeting.
I mean, we can size her up, but more importantly,
it'll humanize you and make it harder for her to attack you.
And we'll do it at JJ's Diner.
Home field advantage.
As a candidate, I appreciate your strategic mind,
but as woman, all I care about is
your slight but powerful body.
Hello, Ann Perkins.
This is the first time you've said my entire name correctly.
Nonsense. We are close friends.
I have good news for you.
I'm making the water fountain hygiene upgrade
our number one priority.
Oh, great.
For some reason,
when people in Pawnee use the water fountain,
they put their mouths completely over the spouts.
It's like this weird, disgusting, local quirk.
Kiss one water-fountain drinker,
you're kissing everyone in Pawnee.
Including him.
I'd like to complete this project
by... tomorrow.
Oh.
Set up shop in our office.
In fact, take Leslie's desk.
Okay, I will. Thanks. Great.
Do you want the door open or shut?
Ah, open's fine.
Okay.
Hello, Marta.
We would like our regular table,
but we want you to set it up a little fancier than normal
because we're trying to impress someone.
You mean Ms. Barkley.
She's already here. Last booth.
Leslie Knope. Hi.
I'm Jen Barkley.
- Hi. - Hi.
Grab a seat.
Thanks.
Sorry about all these papers.
I had them shipped in. I'm a news junkie.
Is this in Arabic?
Well, I've been reading up on you two.
Ben, it's a great job on this campaign.
Oh. Well, thank you.
And Leslie, your Parks work, it's no joke.
This is federal government caliber.
Not to sound rude, but what are you doing here?
This campaign seems beneath you.
Yeah.
Bobby Newport's daddy called me out of the blue.
I'd never heard of Bobby Newport before,
but it became clear in two seconds
this guy is a moron.
So I was, like, "sorry, Nick.
Your son is a moron. There's no way."
Then he offered me a crazy amount of money.
I shouldn't even tell you how much.
But I will. $250,000.
Good lord. For six weeks of work?
I know.
Plus frankly, I needed a break from Washington.
Do you know Joe Biden?
Oh, mm-hmm.
He's on my celebrity sex list.
Well, he is my celebrity sex list.
Oh, trust me. You can do better than Joe.
[Laughing] Oh, no.
I don't-- I don't think I can.
[Laughs]
No way.
[Laughing]
Oh, man.
I knew I shouldn't have met you guys.
Now I kind of hope you win.
She's just doing this for the money.
She doesn't even like her own client.
This could be the best case scenario for us.
Or the real best case scenario is if she just takes the money
and doesn't even try.
Tell me a little bit about Leslie Knope.
Well, Perd, Leslie Knope represents
everything that is wrong about politics in America.
She's naive, she's untested,
and she's an entrenched bureaucrat
that's got the stink of big government all over her.
- Oh, God. - What?
Wow, strong words from a powerful lady.
So I guess we both agree.
Leslie Knope is wrong for Pawnee.
Worst case scenario.
Worst case scenario!
I'm Leslie Knope
and when I grow up,
I want to be a unicorn princess or a city councilor.
Wrong. Not in my town, kid.
City council's a real job for a real adult.
It's playing every hour on every channel.
It's official. I hate Jennifer Barkley.
When I go to that senior center, I'm going to go up onstage,
and I'm going to viciously attack her.
Okay, don't let Barkley knock us off message.
We are going there to get Ned Jones' endorsement,
- and that's huge. - You're right.
And I should listen to you always
because you are a man genius
with a taut, narrow frame like a sexy, elf king.
Do you wish I were taller or-- what's going on?
Nothing. You're perfect.
Okay, everyone.
So the Health department is working on a poster campaign
to warn people about diseases.
Now we are going to build a better water fountain for the parks.
Andy is our official water-fountain tester.
All right, let's give this sucker a test-drive.
Yeah, so the idea is to make a fountain
that he can't do that to.
Ah, that's good.
Okay, any ideas? Jerry?
Well, I was thinking that
we could put this cage thing around it.
Okay. That could work.
Andy?
[Slurping]
Yeah.
Thank you, Andy.
Ah, still good.
- Tom? - Full disclosure.
Ann and I are romantically intertwined.
Oh, God.
So let's not be surprised if she picks my idea.
Would you just go, dummy?
What's the best kind of water fountain?
How about no water fountain?
This...
...is the Voss Water Butler by Tumi.
And only $600 a bag.
April, what's your idea?
To go in that room and finish this book.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
- Is it good? - Yeah.
You're going to stay here, and you're going to help.
Donna?
Do I look like I drink water?
Yoo-hoo. I'm over here.
Just about to start my presentation.
I-- uh-oh, stairs.
What do I do?
How do I get from here to there?
I'm not a professional mountain climber.
It's a real problem in our town,
but not any more, thanks to Ramp Up Pawnee.
We're going to put ramps in every building in this town
because if there's one thing I believe,
it's that stairs are a young man's game.
Yeah.
[Applause]
Ramps are an idiot's game.
This is nothing more than a worse version
of Bobby Newport's plan.
What plan?
Bobby Newport doesn't have a plan.
Was somebody just talking about Bobby Newport's plan?
Because Ned Jones and I would love to share it with you.
Come on out here, Ned.
Ned Jones is here.
[Applause] Say hello to Ned Jones.
Make way for Ned Jones.
Why don't we just turn up the pressure?
That way you don't have to put your mouth so close.
All right, here we go.
Ah, stop!
Honey, I'm sorry.
That'll teach you to pay attention.
I have an idea.
Um, I was thinking, "what if we did
"something like...
this?"
Oh, my-- dude, what the hell?
Bobby Newport's plan is called "Rise Up! Pawnee."
He is going to put an electric lift
on every outdoor staircase in town.
Wow. [Applause]
Now you could use a ramp,
but that seems like a lot of work.
Bobby Newport thinks that the stairs
should do the work for you, don't you agree?
Give him a hand.
As President of Seniors United,
I endorse Bobby Newport.
[Cheers and applause]
I've started meeting with people to fill in for Leslie.
I have found five candidates I'd like to hire
and two I'd like to be lifelong friends with.
Well, you will not be hiring anyone
because my department is just finishing up a major project.
Incoming!
[Balloon pops, screaming]
[Laughs] Got you!
[Screaming]
Donna, don't!
[Screaming continues] Excuse me.
Help, everything I'm wearing is suede!
Everything I'm wearing is suede, everything I'm wearing is suede!
Excuse me, everybody.
Attention!
I think you'll agree that this department
could use a little leadership.
Kamikaze!
Oh.
[Laughs]
"Stumbling for the first time in months,
"the Knope campaign seems to be rolling down
"a ramp to nowhere."
We are getting our butts kicked
by a guy who is not even in the country.
He's making out with some floozy in Majorca.
Sorry, I wish I was better at this.
Then you could be making out with some floozy in Majorca.
Maybe we take the fight to her?
I mean I could try to get you on Perd's show,
and you could tell him how she stole your idea.
That sounds good.
Okay, I'll just do that.
I can call, or maybe I'll just go down there.
Hey.
Chris wants you in his office
for the final round of interviews.
[Groans]
And sorry we goofed around so much.
Normally, I'd be very proud of you
for what you did.
This is a rare example
where wasting a full day of work is a bad thing.
Is there really going to be a weird, new person
in the office?
I think so.
We may be in for a good, old-fashioned shake-up.
Jennifer Barkley.
You two-faced, carpetbagging--
Hi, Leslie. Good to see you.
Hi, nice to see you, too. You are a two-faced, carpet--
You want anything? Anything? It's on me.
Everything in this town is so cheap.
I would never accept anything
from a two-faced, carpetbagging--
- Leslie. - Please.
Let me get my insults out.
I've been practicing it the whole way over here.
I sense that you're angry. Tell me why.
Because you stole my idea, and yours won't even work.
Ramps are more practical,
and they're less expensive than lifts.
My idea is better.
Oh, I don't doubt it. The fact is I don't care.
Ramps, lifts, your plan, my plan--
I don't actually care about any of this.
I'm just trying to win.
Look, it's not personal. I like you.
But my job is to beat you.
So have a seat.
I'll get you some of those waffles you love.
- How do you know that-- - It's my job to know.
- [Whispers] God, you're good. - I know.
Hi, guys. What's so imporant?
Well, after yesterday's hands-on brainstorming session--
Water balloon fight.
Fair enough.
We think we came up with a fountain idea
that really works.
Presenting the amazing spoutless fountain.
Huh? What?
We just removed the splash guard
because if it's not there, you can't put your mouth on it.
Well, I'll-- I'll try it.
[Slurps]
[Laughs]
- I did it. - Good job, babe.
Simple, elegant, and cost-effective.
If your team keeps this up, I think we can hold off
on filling the Leslie void.
I think Ben's already filling the Leslie void.
- Oh! - Oh!
I'll give it up for that.
So what's Ben's next move for you?
Oh, oh, I'm not going to tell you that.
Oh, let me guess.
Um, you're going to attack me.
You're going to go on that perm show again,
so you could tell everyone that that ramp idea was yours.
It's "Perd," first of all, and no.
Maybe. No.
That's not a terrible idea.
No, actually, it is kind of terrible
because if you go on the air and tell everybody
that I stole your idea...
- Which you did. - Which I did,
everyone's going to think you're a sore loser,
a goody-goody nerd.
Because you know what people don't care about?
They don't care about whose idea was first.
They care about whose idea was best.
Well, let's say that that was our plan, which it isn't.
Mm-hmm, okay.
What would you do instead?
Oh, Leslie.
I really shouldn't give you campaign advice.
- Right. - Ah, what the hell.
If you love chess, which I do,
but you don't have anybody to play against,
which I don't,
then sometimes, you just gotta play yourself.
You could attack the Newport plan for costing too much money.
No, but that would backfire because then we would just say,
"you can never spend too much on seniors."
- Of course. - You need to beat our idea.
Come up with something better. I don't know.
Maybe a free shuttle service for seniors.
All right, that could work.
Wow.
Waffles and a cappuccino.
Gracias, Marta.
JJ's doesn't have a cappuccino maker.
Oh, it does now. I bought them one.
Course you did.
You talked to Barkley without me?
I wanted to tell her what a jerk she was.
And then she guessed your plan immediately
and demolished it.
Okay, as a rule, you shouldn't take advice
from your opponent's campaign manager.
But what if she's right?
Well, what if it's a trick?
I mean, maybe she thinks our original plan would work,
and she convinced you to use her plan instead
because she knows that won't work.
Or maybe she thinks that we think that
she thinks that, so we won't do it.
But she knows that I know that she knows that--
She's in our heads. [Groans]
I'm sorry, Leslie. She's better at this than I am.
Hey, there is no one on Earth
that I would rather go into battle with than you.
- Really? - Yes.
So tell me, what do we do,
my campaign manager?
I don't know.
Okay.
I'd like to talk about your future.
Why are we on this bench? This is weird.
You did a great job solving that problem today.
The leadership you displayed has gotten me thinking--
I didn't solve that problem. April did.
Really? Why did she tell me you did?
Because she's April, and she doesn't want you to think
that she actually cares about something.
If you're looking for someone to help fill in for Leslie,
April's a pain in the ass, but she's clearly the answer.
Perhaps you're right.
Should I go?
Oh, you're still here? Yes.
Let's begin the show by starting it.
Now, Leslie, you claim the Newport campaign
stole one of your ideas.
Well, uh...
They did, they stole our idea.
We were working on the Ramp Up Pawnee initiative
for many weeks.
Oh, Perd. This is politics as usual.
The fact is, Bobby Newport's plan is better for seniors,
better for Pawnee.
Well, our plan is more practical,
and it's cheaper.
There she goes again, Perd.
[Chuckles]
I don't know where she went the first time.
Bobby Newport cares about better,
not cheaper for our seniors.
And our flash poll seems to agree.
Some 78% of those we surveyed prefer the Newport plan
to the Knope plan.
This is why Ned Jones has endorsed us.
Let's get back on track.
I just think o opppposition is losing sight
of what all this is about.
What this is about is Pawnee, and that is what I care about.
What Bobby Newport cares about
is romping around on some beach in Spain with a floozy.
[Laughs] Excuse me?
Oh, maybe you hadn't heard of it.
It wasn't in the New York Times or Le Monde,
which is what she reads.
It was in the Pawnee papers.
Bobby Newport's personal life is neither here nor there.
It's certainly not here.
And I think Pawneeans deserve a city councilor
who stays in the city,
like I do.
Well, we were going to keep this sececret
until we had everything in writing,
but Bobby Newport is trying to convince
a major European company to open up a factory in Pawnee.
And that woman that he is with
is an antiland-mine advocate.
I didn't realize that you were proland-mine.
I am not here to declare a winner,
but Jennifer is the winner.
Thank you.
Now it's time to move onto our next segment,
which is a commercial.
I am going to get drunk, and then I'm going to order
a three-course meal where each course
is made of dessert.
- She kicked our asses. - Yeah.
How are we going to beat her?
I don't know. I mean, she's like a hurricane.
She's everywhere.
Literally.
Hi, guys.
You really stepped up your game.
That was really fun. You almost got me.
I would have if Bobby Newport hadn't gotten
those stupid companies to build factories here.
What are you talking about?
Oh, that thing I said on the show?
Oh, no. That was mostly made-up.
Don't challenge me on that. That will backfire.
Anyway, enjoy your dinner, guys.
I already took care of the bill.
[Laughs]
- Another round, please? - Mm-hmm.
Nice job on the water fountain.
- It wasn't me. - Don't deny it.
I know it wasn't the nurse.
I'm asking you to step up.
Not replacing Leslie, just picking up some slack.
I don't want to do things.
I want to not do things, just like you taught me.
And I taught you well,
but I don't like watching you wasting your brain.
And you're too smart to stay my assistant here forever.
I'd rather you start a business
or use your hands to farm,
but right now, the department needs you.
Please.
Okay...
But only because you begged.
Good girl.
[Phone rings]
Chris Traeger.
This is Ron Swanson.
April's going to take over some of Leslie's responsibilities.
Excellent.
I have been a fan of April since day one.
I told--