Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 15 - The Bubble - full transcript

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, ladies and gentlemen, for the
first time ever in her new part-time job

in the Public Health Department at City
Hall, it's Ann Meredith Perkins! Yay!

Leslie, this is so nice!

I put a poisonous gas
in one of these balloons,

so if any of them pops,
you may die.

No, April,
we would all die.

Gases fill the volume of
whatever container they're in.

School.

We have activities every hour
on your first day.

10:00 am, " Ann's first
day waffle explosion."



11:00 a.m.,
"The start-paperwork jamboree."

And then 12:00 noon sharp is
the inaugural "D-Ann-ce Party."

Welcome to City Hall,
cupcake!

How many of you are in here?
LESLIE: There's seven.

And you have an office mate. His name
is Stuart, and he's kind of a grouch.

I have an office mate?

Get these (BLEEP) balloons
out of here.

Hi, I'm Ann.

Hey.
Hey.

Just to let you know, I gave the
senior center project to Donna.

Sounds good.
The meeting's at 2:00?

Yes. Conference room "C".

Okay. I think
at some point,

you and I should probably
make out with each other.



Yeah, good call.

The best part of any
relationship is the beginning.

No problems, no fights.

Just white wine, cuddling,

and crazy amounts of History
Channel documentaries.

Hey, we should take separate
cars to the restaurant tonight.

Chris is deadly serious about this...
I know.

I just don't wanna talk about it, okay?
I'll see you tonight.

Okay. By the way, I have a
meeting with Marlene Griggs-Knope.

Is that any relation?

No.

Oh, okay.

Just a coincidence. We get it
all the time. We laugh about it.

But I've never met her.

She's Filipino.
Okay, bye.

Why don't you just tell Ben
she's your mother?

Because Ben and I are in this
amazing little bubble right now,

and there's
no room in here

for Chris' stupid rules about us not
dating or my ball-busting mother.

Leslie, I'm sorry, but I don't
think you thought this through.

You know what I should do?
I should get my mother

a one-way ticket to London,
leaving today.

And that way,
Ben never has to meet her

and I could visit her in London.
Everybody wins.

What if he sees a picture
of her on your desk?

What if Marlene says, "Hey,
have you met my daughter, Leslie?

"She works in
the Parks Department."

Stuart, please,
could you give us, like, 45 minutes?

It's my office, too.
Stuart.

That guy was rude.

I feel that some
structural changes

could really unlock
this department's potential.

Jerry.
Mmm?

I believe you are
capable of much more.

I'm not.
Nonsense.

Look in the mirror.
Huh?

You are an intelligent, charismatic,
beautiful superhero.

I'm making you head
of Public Relations,

which means you'll be leading
the daily briefing sessions.

Excellent idea.

This is my favorite part about
having a new city manager.

They always try to shake things up,
and their ideas are terrible,

and it brings City Hall
to a grinding halt.

I just grab a few donuts,
sit back, and enjoy the show.

April, you are
too valuable

to just be
Ron's assistant.

So from now on,
you are a multitasking executive aide,

assisting
the entire office.

Is this a nightmare?

April, wake up.

Tom, I just wanna say

that you are a wonderful employee
and a terrific human being.

Meeting adjourned!

Tom. (LAUGHING)

I enjoy you.

You know what else I enjoy?
Your entrepreneurial spirit.

I did recently sell
my Chronicles of Riddick DVD

on eBay for $10.

Used the profits
to buy the Blu-ray.

That's terrific.
I have an amazing project

for someone
of your talents.

You are going to digitize

the entire city archives
up on the fourth floor.

No! I hate the fourth floor!
Last time I was up there,

I saw someone buy crystal meth out of
a vending machine. It's a bad place.

You won't be alone. Andy.

Starting now,
you are nobody's shoeshine boy.

Starting now, you are
an administrative assistant.

For three weeks.
Then back to shoes.

Chris!

I wasn't super
paying attention

to what you just said
that we'll be doing,

but I will give
110 percent!

Well, as soon as you repeat
yourself in a more interesting way.

Hey, Ben.

Hey, what's up?

Nothing much. Since I'm here,
I just wanted to let you know

that Marlene
Griggs-Knope is my mom.

(STAMMERS) What? Why...

Also, she can be
cruel and difficult,

and she makes snap
judgments about people

that she holds on to
for a very long time.

And she's kind of a bully.

Okay! Go in there,
you're gonna be great.

God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I'm sorry. Here. Sorry!

Hello.

I'm Mr. Ben Wyatt.

Looks like you got
some shirt on your coffee.

Yeah. You know
what happened?

I spilled it,
but you know how it goes.

Fun anecdote.

The county school district
needs four new school buses.

I'm being stonewalled
by the board,

and I'm hoping your office
can help us out.

Okay.

Really? That's it?

Yeah. Actually, no. It...

It's probably not possible.

Then I'm confused, Ben,

because you just
told me it was.

Five seconds ago.

I got a second box of donuts,
if anybody...

What the (BLEEP) is this?

This, Mr. Director,
is your new desk.

Okay.

This desk is the epitome

of the Swedish
concept of j?mst?lldhet,

or "equality."

Imagine someone
needs your attention.

Somebody say my name.

JERRY: Chris.

Swivel! What is it, Jerry?

You told me
to say your name.

And you did
a great job, superstar.

Someone else
say something.

You look like a freak.

Swivel!

April, that is not
a very good attitude.

I will keep my eye on you

from my circular desk
where I can see everything.

Tiny swivel.
See how it works?

What about my office
and its many walls?

That becomes a new
public waiting room.

And we got rid of
that giant pillar

that was in front
of your door.

I loved that pillar.

It made it really annoying
to stand in my doorway.

(LAUGHS) Well, get over it,
because it's gone.

You're gonna be more
accessible than ever.

TOM: The fourth floor.
Small claims court,

divorce filings,
state-ordered drug tests.

It's somehow both
freezing and humid.

There's a whole room
on the fourth floor

where they store the knives
they've confiscated from people

who went to the fourth floor
to stab someone.

(METAL DETECTOR BEEPING)

You from Parks and Rec?
Yeah.

I'm here to
show you around.

Nice to meet you, ma'am.
What's your name?

Ethel Beavers.
Follow me.

Okay, this is you.

Oh, wow!

Double computers?

I get my own
office phone.

Hello, Wall Street.

Buy more stocks. Now.

This phone kind of
smells like a butt.

Try not to move
things around.

Because technically speaking,
this is still a crime scene.

Here's your name tags.

Here.

Ethel, this shirt is
from Theory.

Name tags make holes.
I'm not wearing this.

Do what you want.

Bye, Ethel!
Damn it.

Remind me next time to ask her
where she was when Lincoln got shot.

"Remind...
Tom... Ask... Something."

You got it, boss.

Hey! Somebody made
somebody a mix!

And I definitely heard your
feedback from last time,

so I only put five Sarah
McLachlan songs on this one.

Cool. Should we talk about
how you claimed your mom

was a Filipino woman
you'd never met?

Should we?

(SIGHS)

I was just trying to
delay the inevitable.

If this turns
into something real,

then we are gonna have
to deal with Chris' rule,

and parents,
and annoying flossing habits,

and a lot of un-fun stuff.

But not yet.

I just want to enjoy the
bubble for a little while.

I'm sorry.

Everything's good?
No, it's not.

I was completely flustered.
I came off like an idiot.

I mean, at one point,
for no reason,

I just took off my shoes
and held them in my hand.

I'm gonna go ask her how it went,
and I bet she loved you.

(SIGHS)

I loved him!

He's a total pushover.

Very odd guy, though.

He's like a goofy,
spineless jellyfish.

(CHUCKLES)

Why do you ask,
sweetheart?

No reason.

Don't worry about it.
It's totally fine.

No, it's not fine.

What if she starts going around
telling people I'm a pushover?

No one's gonna
believe that.

When I first met you,
I thought you were a fascist hard-ass.

What?
A cute fascist hard-ass,

but still,
you give off a very...

Education Department now officially
requesting 10 school buses.

I thought they
only wanted four.

Well, now that I'm a pushover,
why not ask for 10, or 20,

or 100 new school buses
and a fleet of school yachts?

How about that?
Here's what we're gonna do. (SIGHS)

You are gonna tell me everything
there is to know about your mom.

And I'm gonna have
another meeting with her,

and we're gonna
have it out.

Or we could go to Belize

and go scuba diving.
And we could look at the whale sharks.

You're certified, right?
Let's get you certified.

April, do you have that usage
report that I asked for?

Anything for you, Jerry.

Thank you.

Oh, come on. Why?

Excuse me.

There's a sign at Ramsett Park that says
" Do not drink the sprinkler water,"

so I made sun tea with it,
and now I have an infection.

Sir?

Sir, are...
Are you listening to me, sir?

Sir, I'm talking to you!

Sir!

Sir, are you aware

that there is waste
in your water system?

Okay, you need to be strong,
powerful, decisive.

This is not a meeting.
It's a battle.

Normal meeting rules
do not apply.

I'll be my mom and I'm gonna
be very harsh with you,

and it's only
because I like you a lot.

Okay.
Go!

Hello.
Wrong.

What? No preambles.
No introductions.

Just walk in
and start talking.

I'd like to discuss
the new school bus.

I'd like to discuss
your rhyming, Dr. Seuss.

And you should be sitting by now.
What?

Just walk in
and take a seat.

Um...
"Um" is the sound in "dumb."

That's what she
says to people.

And now you've crossed
your legs like a woman.

God!
Okay, should we just start over?

No.
No, we need to put a pin in this.

Here is a list of my mother's top
100 favorite conversation topics,

starting with Persian rugs,
ending with Daniel Craig.

You have 10 minutes
to memorize it.

Deliverance, the movie?
Mmm-hmm.

Oh, God.

So Jerry is, like,
basically my boss now,

which I'm never
gonna work for him.

Ron's trapped in
this weird desk prison,

and I now work at this
traveling IV station.

This Mort Jansen's office?

Nope.

(SIGHS)

Tell Mort I said
"Your move."

Oh, my God.
I wanna work up here

with you guys.
This is awesome.

How many more of those stupid
documents do you have to scan?

Just this one,
and all the ones in those boxes.

TOM: I gotta get out
of here pronto.

Time to get those old ladies
to do my work for me.

How? By shining down on them
with the Haverford charm ray.

(IMITATING RAY GUN)

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Ethel Beavers.

What's up, beautiful?

Julianne Moore just called.
She wants her hair back.

Nobody named Julien called.

Never mind. I just need to
ask you a couple of questions.

One, can you help me out
with this project we're doing?

And, two,

will you please invite me
to your 30th birthday party?

What are you doing?

I'm making a test call to your
phone to make sure it's working

so you don't miss
any more calls.

You know what?
Don't bother.

Maybe I'll just find an open
window and plummet to my death.

Okay.

This isn't gonna work.

Okay, you did not just swivel
away while I was talking to you.

This spaceship keyboard is
driving me crazy.

I'm down to one word a minute,
and the word is "perflipisklup"

because I can't
fly spaceships.

Donna, you know
as well as I do

these city manager shakeups
always peter out.

You just have to wait.

Usually I'm with you.

But this is Chris Traeger,
the six million dollar man.

He won't quit.

So you need to swivel
your ass down to his office

and have a word with him.

Mommy.
Oh!

That is so thoughtful
of you.

Of course!

I just figured, hey,
why not put my mother in a good mood?

So, it's my understanding that
despite what I said in our meeting,

you have somehow increased your
request for more school buses.

Excuse me,
but I'm having coffee with my daughter.

Maybe we could do
this another time.

No, we're gonna
talk about this now.

Or if you'd prefer,

I could put a permanent freeze
on the education budget.

It's your call.
(SCOFFS)

Wow, maybe you should talk to him, Mom.
He seems pretty self-assured.

There's nothing left.

It's over.

Hey, hey, hey, don't say that.
Now, come on.

Get yourself together

and go out there and be the woman
you always knew you could be.

(SNIFFLES)
Thank you so much.

Who was that?

I don't know.

I saw her crying,
and so I helped.

What did you wanna
talk to me about?

Look, Chris,
I'm very flattered

you thought of me
for this amazing opportunity,

but I don't really know if
this gig is in my wheelhouse.

I tend to work best
with young, attractive people.

Tom, I have made you
a project leader.

This is a big deal!

You should keep
an open mind.

Let your brain unlock the door
to your heart's future.

I made that expression up
when I was 14.

Still in use today.
By me. Gotta jam.

You know what?
It's just not possible.

And don't even bother
trying to outflank me either,

because you will fail.

Where did all this confidence
come from all of a sudden?

Hey, guys, come on.
Let's relax.

You know, Ms. Griggs-Knope...
Marlene.

There's probably
a compromise here.

Compromise is usually
a sign of weakness.

Yes, it is, according to
Andrew Carnegie.

But your demands remind me
of a different quote,

from the great
Bill Watterson.

"You need a lobotomy.
I'll get a saw."

I love Calvin and Hobbes.
Me, too!

I gotta say,
this is some of my best work.

This could not
have gone better.

They are really
hitting it off.

Thank God. Crisis averted.

Well, I am very glad
you came back up here.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah...
So you have a deal.

Well, let me
mull everything over,

and then we can reconnect
and hash things out.

It might get rough,
but that can be fun.

Ben can handle it.
Yep, I can.

Okay, great.

It was a pleasure.
Oh! Mmm-hmm.

What's so great is,
she was impressed by you, too.

I mean, you could
tell instantly.

The way you guys were
connecting was really amazing.

Now, what I'm thinking
is that maybe

we should go over
to her house...

You two are just the
cutest things on four legs!

But why so much black?

It's like you're
going to a funeral.

She's got a point, babe.

So, marry her then.

(LAUGHS) I wish!

Hey, sorry to
interrupt the love fest,

but can you hand me that
folder there, please, Ethel?

TOM: Oh, great.

Why you gotta be
like that, Ethel?

Looks like someone got up
on the wrong side of the crib.

(LAUGHING)

Stop laughing, Muriel.

(BOTH LAUGHING LOUDLY)

Stop it!

I gotta say,
I'm a genius.

The only thing my mom loves
more than music boxes

is McSteamy from
Grey's Anatomy.

So, I made her
a McSteamy-style music box,

and I thought maybe you could give
it to her. She would love you for it.

I think maybe that's
not such a good idea.

Why? I mean,
it's not the best picture of him, but...

Your mom kind of,

um,

made a pass at me.

JERRY: So,
Webster's dictionary

describes a pork as a...

No, it's park... Park.

I'm sorry. Geez, okay. So...

You know what,
can we start over?

Let's... Let's go
from the first thing.

I said, pork, which...
By the way,

they have a great pork sandwich
in the cafeteria today.

Ron Swanson.
Chris.

You have come up with a plan
so spectacularly horrible

that it might ruin
the entire department.

Now, wait a minute.
I mean that as a compliment.

So, it pains me
to say this.

My department has to go back
to the way it was.

Give them time.
They'll adjust.

No, they won't.
They're miserable.

Tom only performs when
there's someone to impress,

so marooning him on Freak
Island isn't helping anyone.

And you made April assistant to
everyone? You know who April hates?

Everyone.

And Jerry can only function
if no one's looking.

You shine a light on him,

and he shrinks up faster
than an Eskimo's scrotum.

Well, that's
very perceptive, Ron.

And, very graphic.

I understand your point,

but there's no way that I
can just roll over on this.

(GROANS)

Okay.

You won't ever hear me say this again,
so savor this moment.

I may have a compromise.

Look, she was just
flirting a little.

I'm sure she's not
really interested in me.

Oh, my God.
I can't even have this conversation.

The whole thing
is screwed up now.

There's so many ways
to destroy a bubble,

but my mom flirting with you
is number one on the list.

And I'm sorry,
I have to say this,

were you asking
for it in any way?

No!

How were you dressed?
Oh, my God.

I was wearing this.
Here's what we do.

You issue
a government-wide memo

about sexual harassment,
and then you go to Mexico.

Just for
a couple of weeks.

Where are you going? Ben!

Ben! Wait. Just... Hey...

Hi, Mom.

Hi again.
Leslie and I are dating.

We haven't told anyone

because there's a rule
against office relationships.

But it's happening.

I'm sorry we didn't tell you
before you touched my knee,

and I trust you
won't tell anyone now

since it could get
your daughter fired.

That is hilarious.

That's what
we thought, too.

Well...

(SIGHS)

Four buses.

Two.
Deal.

I like this one.

Me, too.

You keep your hands off him.

Margaret's pecan squares.

They are like crack.
I brought you one.

How are you so
happy working here?

I don't know, man. It's not that bad.
A year ago, I lived in a pit.

Now I got a job,
and a kickass wife.

And my band is so good,

and are you gonna eat
that pecan square?

When life gives you lemons,
make lemonade.

I read that once on
a can of lemonade.

But I like to think
that it applies to life.

I don't want lemonade.

It's too sweet and it makes
my tongue feel gritty.

So maybe it's
time for a change.

Starting now,
when life gives me lemons,

I'm gonna slice
them up into wedges

and throw them
into vodka tonics,

which I will then sip
in a burlesque nightclub

that I co-own with actor Taye Diggs
and two of the Pussycat Dolls.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Kind of figured you'd be
back in your office by now.

Well, you know how
new city managers are.

Seems like everyone
else is back to normal.

How long do you have to do this?
A week.

Citizen request.
Swivel, swivel, swivel.

Hello. I can
help you in here, sir.

Oh, man, you're really
screwing this up.

I'm gone for one day and this
entire shoe shine stand falls apart.

Everything I built.

Jump up here.
I'll show you how it's done.

See, your problem is
you're thinking too much.

Wow. You're
really good at this.

Yes. I am.

When I come back
here in a few weeks,

I don't want all my regular customers
to not be here waiting for me

because somebody
screwed it up.

Huh?

Thanks.

No problem.

See you later, kid.
Wow.

What a moron.