Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 24 - Freddy Spaghetti - full transcript

Ron!

Hello, Andy.

It's quiet in here.
Where is everyone?

The government is shut down.
It's in every newspaper.

How long is it going to last?
Well, if we're lucky,

this building will
be empty for months.

Wow. That is
really bad timing.

I just got this super
sweet-ass rad crotch rocket.

I've always wanted
one of these.

But due to, you know,
never having a job,

I couldn't
afford it until now.



Got a really good
deal on my lease.

Paying 12% interest.

It's, like, one of
the highest you can get.

Hey, so I've been trying like
crazy to get a hold of April.

If you see her, will you tell her
I really need to talk to her?

You got it.
All right. Thanks, Ron.

Uh-oh!

Nailed it.

LESLIE: All I can tell you

is that all the parks are
closed until further notice.

Look, no one is more upset
about this than I am.

Not like it's a
competition or anything.

Because if it was, I would win.
But that's neither here nor there.

The point is I would win.
How long will they be closed?



Could be forever.
With the government shut down,

who is going to
stop Al-Qaeda?

One thing at a time.

School is out
in two weeks.

What am I going to do
with my kids all day?

Keep them in my house?
Where I live?

I don't know
what to tell you.

What about the kids' concert
tomorrow at Ramsett Park?

The Freddy Spaghetti concert.

Freddy Spaghetti
has been canceled.

(ALL GROANING)

Well, sit down and tell me
exactly what has happened.

Every year,
we kick off the summer

with a children's
concert series.

And this year, the concert has
been canceled due to the shutdown.

It's terrible,
and we need to fix it.

All right. Great.

I'm very glad that
you agree with me,

but I actually worked
really hard on my argument.

Is there any way I can
still kind of... Yeah?

I'd love to hear it.
Oh, good. Thank you.

You're wrong. Are you crazy?
Can you put a price tag on a child's smile?

Leslie Knope.
What a surprise.

The government has
been shut for two days,

and one city employee has tried
to schedule 14 meetings with me.

Can you guess who?

Ben? There was a big concert.
Now, there's not.

Isn't there anything
that we can do about that?

No, there isn't.
That's too bad.

Sorry, Leslie. Damn!

I have to go
run 10 miles.

CHRIS: I have run 10 miles a
day every day for 18 years.

That's 65,000 miles.

A third of the way
to the moon.

My goal is to
run to the moon.

Ben,
let's talk solutions.

Leslie, Pawnee is broke.

There's no money
for a concert. Okay?

I mean, Idaho cut their
Parks Department by 80%,

and Idaho is basically
one giant park.

I've said it before,
and I'll say it again, Ben.

Pawnee is better
than Idaho.

No, Pawnee is
not special. Okay?

Your department, all the way
down here, is not a priority.

And frankly, you're not even supposed
to be in the building, Leslie.

You're non-essential.

That is not your call.

I know,
it's on your badge.

This? This isn't me.

Ann Perkins.

Chris something.

Hi. I was just doing my
daily lunchtime 10 miles

and I ran by the hospital, and I
thought I'd pop up and say hi.

Did you just
start your run?

No, I'm already
at mile nine.

But you're not
sweating at all.

I know. I have a resting heart
rate of 28 beats per minute.

The scientist
who studied me

said that my heart could pump
jet fuel up into an airplane.

I'd love to go out
on a date with you.

I think you might
find me attractive

because you got drunk and
kissed me when we first met.

And no pressure,
but I do have tonight open.

I am so sorry.
I'm really busy right now. No problem.

I will try again soon.
Ann Perkins.

That's the guy who likes you,
that you're not into.

Yeah.

And which part of him
are you not looking at?

Traditionally, when I end
a long-term relationship,

I'm a little fragile, and I have a
tendency to do some reckless things.

So I need to stay
away from Chris.

I can't stand this
government shutdown.

I can't stand
this budget crisis.

But what I can't stand is they're
canceling Freddy Spaghetti.

You know everything.
What should I do about this?

I don't know, Leslie.
Why don't you see a movie or go shopping?

Wait a minute. What are you doing?
What's happening?

You know, they offered me
a buyout, and I took it.

And so now, I work
for Norton Construction.

Sorry. I know I shouldn't
have done that.

It's okay.
How could you quit?

You know, not everyone has
your enthusiasm for this work.

You know, I guess I've been
mispronouncing your name all these years.

Mark Brendana-quitz.

Recently, I had been thinking
about maybe leaving this job.

But I felt like
I needed a sign.

And then Ann broke up with me the
week that I was going to propose,

the government
got shut down,

and yesterday one of those
pigeons took a (BLEEP) on me.

And I was indoors. So...

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING
ON STEREO)

What are you doing here?

Hey, sorry. I need your help.
Is this a bad time?

Lucy is here.
I'm in my sexy pajamas.

I just took four Benadryls
to dull my sensitivity.

Yes, it is a bad time.

You're about to have sex.

Why else would Boyz II Men's On
Bended Knee be playing right now?

Okay. I just want to
give you a little advice,

which is don't make
it last really long.

Ladies don't like that.

Okay. Great.
Okay?

Wait.
Just one more thing.

Are you using protection?

You know what? I'm just going to
stay away from all guys right now.

Yeah. Less man-time,
more Ann-time.

Yeah.
Yeah.

The only guy that
I care about right now

is six feet tall
with wild, crazy hair

and a ukulele that
doubles as a water gun.

Freddy Spaghetti.

Children's concerts aren't
a priority these days.

You know what is? Sewage.

Pawnee's kids are less
important than poop tubes.

I don't know.
I mean, what are you going to do?

That's the way it is.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

If all the parks are closed,

why not just have the concert
in the lot behind my house?

Ann, you devious bastard.

(SINGING ON RADIO) Well, the cow goes
"moo" and the pig goes "oink"

LESLIE: Well, I've spent the last
three hours coming up with a plan.

And I sent up
the Bat-Signal

for all the people in the Parks
Department to come and join us.

I told them to
be here by 8:00.

Do you think anybody
is going to show up?

A, yes.
B, even if they don't,

we'll just put the
concert on ourselves.

But C, yes. Yes, they're
definitely going to show up.

Although, D,
maybe not.

I think that you
need to prepare

for the eventuality
that no one...

Hello? Hello?

God bless you,
Jerry Gergich!

Wow. I never thought I'd
hear those words from you.

Hey. April is here. Move, Jerry.

April. I didn't think
you were going to help.

I still might not.

Jerry, how do you feel
about lifting heavy things?

My doctor just
said I should avoid...

Being a wuss?
Yes, I agree.

So, go out there and get the
equipment out of the truck.

With current and
projected deficits,

we need to cut
expenditures by 32%.

Let's make it an even 40.

That's not necessary.

Slash it. Slash it.

I am an official member
of a task force

dedicated to slashing
the city budget.

Just saying that
gave me a semi.

Right off the bat,
we sell City Hall.

Let somebody turn it into a large
gas station or a T.J. Maxx.

Ron, that is a very
creative idea.

But we don't want to sell
any of our major assets,

because we don't
want to lose out

on any future
revenue streams.

I hear that. Don't worry.
I have tons more ideas.

Okay, uh...

(GUNSHOT FIRES)

So sorry. New ring tone.

Don't cut
anything without me.

(GUNSHOT FIRES)

Leslie?

I don't care if
you hate what we do.

I love it enough
for both of us.

We're going to put on the Freddy
Spaghetti concert today, 5:00 on Lot 48.

You can't do that.

Watch me. We're going to do this, Ron.
With or without you.

Hammering away.

Crank it. Hit it.
Needs 16 minutes for premium bounce.

Oh, hey, after this,
can you go pick up

Freddy Spaghetti
in your Mercedes?

We need to give him
the star treatment.

Hey. Sorry we're late.

I had to wait on my girlfriend
to finish eating breakfast.

Hi. I'm Lucy.

Hi.
Hey.

We had dinner last night
and breakfast this morning.

What were we doing
in between? Sex stuff.

You guys know
Tom really well,

so I don't have to apologize
for his behavior, right?

Right.

The craziest thing is
it's, like, super loud.

You know what I mean?
I was on it for only five minutes,

and I can't really hear anything.
Am I talking loud right now?

Yeah.
April! Hey! Excuse me.

I called you a gajillion times.
Why didn't you call me back?

I'm so sorry. I was too busy
not wanting to talk to you.

Huh?
Jerry, what are you doing?

Leslie asked me to post these
around the neighborhood.

I'll do it.
Really? Wow.

APRIL: Yes.

You want some
help with that?

Okay, let's talk
about Parks and Rec.

This one is
a little complicated.

I know what will
loosen up our brains.

Massage train.

And I know what
you're thinking.

It's not that
I want a massage.

I'll be the caboose.

And Ron Swanson
is the locomotive.

And thanks to Ron,
the services budget

has already been
cut significantly.

So, seems like the best
option is job cuts.

Starting with Leslie Knope.

No, no, no, no, no.

If you fire Leslie,
you might as well

just get rid of
the department.

Look, I know how valuable
she is, believe me.

But we've run out
of options.

There are plenty
of other options.

For example,
sell the zoo animals.

Okay. To whom?

Cosmetics labs?
Weird restaurants?

I'm just spit-balling here.

Okay, let's switch it up.

Look, she makes the second-highest
salary in the department.

It will go a long way.

I'm telling you.
It's just not an option.

Ron, focus up, buddy.

Just give me a sec.

Will you just stop
and listen to me?

No. Fine. I don't want
to talk to you, anyways.

Reverse psychiatry.

Fine. What?

I like you.

In a, you know,

romantical kind of way.

You do?
Yes.

Do you

like me?
Yes.

(EXCLAIMS)

So, then perhaps, shall
we go out this evening?

No.

I don't think
we should see each other.

Damn it.
Because you're 21 and I'm 29?

No. I don't care
about that.

It's because whenever I see you
talk to Ann or talk about Ann,

I feel like you still
have feelings for her.

What? No, I don't. But I don't.

Really, I don't.

Well, I think you do.
So...

That's a problem for me.

Because of my libertarian beliefs,
Leslie does 95% of the work.

So you should lay me off.

I'd be proud to be a casualty
in this righteous war.

It's precisely because of your
beliefs that we need to keep you.

You would maintain fiscal
responsibility after we're gone.

I strenuously object.

Okay. Well, Ron,
we're moving on.

Every department is
losing a Leslie Knope.

No, Ben, they are not.

No other department
has one to begin with.

Right now,
she's single-handedly

putting up some lousy concert
for this city's kids.

She's doing what?

Could someone else
massage my shoulders?

Wow. Looking good.

Yeah. I mean, I wish we had
built one of those elevators

that comes up from under
the stage, you know?

RON: They're coming!
Like a rock arena kind of thing?

They're coming!

LESLIE: What?
They're coming.

What's up? What?
Who? The Russians?

No, the state auditors.

I accidentally told them
what you were doing

in an attempt to save
some government jobs.

It's been a very
strange day for me.

LESLIE: Okay. Everybody,
be cool. Just be cool.

Hey!
LESLIE: Hey!

Hey!
Hey!

All right. Everybody! Everybody!
Hey. Ann Perkins. Hi.

Hi.
Everyone.

You are all super amazing.

You are what
makes Pawnee great,

and I just want to
tell you that I am

totally supportive of your
inspiring efforts here today!

All right.
Yeah.

Now, my partner Ben
wants to say something.

Yeah, we're shutting
this down.

JERRY: What?
Damn!

That's terrible news!

Surely, there has to
be a solution, Ben.

No. Ben says no.
I'm sorry, everyone.

The concert is
canceled, everybody.

No. Here's the thing, though, Ben.
It's not canceled.

We're putting it on. Okay?
Because the stage is already built.

Everything was donated for
free by local vendors.

Everyone here believes that
what we're doing is essential.

Freddy Spaghetti will sing.

Actually, Leslie,
I just found out.

Freddy Spaghetti
ain't coming.

Freddy Spaghetti
may not sing.

But something much cooler
is going to happen.

I think. Ann?

Okay. Good job.
You should hydrate.

When we canceled on him, he
took another gig in Eagleton.

At a library.

That's literally the worst
place I can imagine.

Okay. Guys?
We're not giving up on this.

He's not the only
musician in town.

Andy.
I don't know, Leslie.

I don't really feel
like playing right now.

Andy, please.
Please, please, please, please, please.

I don't even have
children's songs.

My last song I wrote
was called Sex Hair.

Well, just take the word "sex"
and change it to "pickle."

Pickle?

(SINGING) You got pickle hair,
baby And you got it from me

Yeah. Still sounds
like it's about sex.

I'm in. I've got to grab
my guitar from my house.

I'll be back shortly!
Yeah!

See, guys? We have a solution.
(ENGINE REVVING)

And the good news is
there's always a solution

if your motives are pure, and
your cause is just. (CAR HONKING)

There's nothing...

ANDY: Ow! My arm!

You have two broken bones in your
right arm, and four in your hand.

That's the side that hurts.

How soon
until he's better?

We'll set the fractures, and I'd like
to keep him overnight for observation.

Is there any chance you can fix
me in the next 10 minutes?

Sure, I'll just advance
medical science 30 years.

Great.
Can Mouse Rat play without you?

They tried once. They're called
Rat Mouse, and they're awful.

But you have got
to find somebody.

There's an old saying in show business.
"The show must go wrong."

Everything always goes wrong, and
you just have to deal with it.

Hello, Pawnee.
I'm Renata Ricotta.

Freddy Spaghetti
couldn't make it today.

He bumped his noodle.

(KIDS LAUGHING)

There was sauce everywhere. It was
just streaming out of his face.

It was really scary.

All right.

(SINGING) If you're happy and
you know it Clap your hands

If you're happy and you
know it Clap your hands

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hey, kids!
It's me, Freddy Spaghetti!

Hey, I thought you
were playing in Eagleton.

All I know is
this guy showed up

and made me
a much better offer.

I am all about
the money, babe.

(SINGING) She cooked an itsy-bitsy
teenie-weenie yellow polka dot linguine

That she made for
the first time that day

Thank you very much.

TOM: Ron Corleone.

This really attractive woman
is my girlfriend, Lucy.

Hello, Lucy. Whoa!
Hi.

Impressive handshake.
Thanks.

My father told me
that a limp handshake

was for weak men
and Communists.

He hated both.

Well done, Tommy.

Is that bacon on
your turkey leg?

They call it a Swanson.

Wow.

I brought you your favorite.
Every color of Jell-O.

(EXCLAIMS)

The Jell-O rainbow.

Thank you.

Injured Andy.
It's kind of like old times, huh?

Yeah. I almost expect
you to call me A-Cakes.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

A-Cakes.

Well, I'm glad
you're okay.

Oh, my God. I'm...

I'm so sorry.
I should not...

I'm sorry.
That was not...

Spaghetti.

KIDS: Spaghetti.

Fusilli.

Fusilli.

Egg noodles.
Egg noodles.

Why did you do this?

Well, I'm not a monster.
I want the kids to have their concert.

Mean Ben has a soft spot.

Is that what
you guys call me?

No. No, no, no.
Mean Ben?

Look, this is really
great today,

but there's going to be a
lot of pain ahead, Leslie.

We have to cut
32% of the...

Just...
Can you just stop it?

Okay?
Just for one moment,

enjoy the fact that you provided
a service for people, not a cut.

A service.
And they love it.

FREDDY: Macaroni.
KIDS: Macaroni.

The biggest service was
getting you to stop singing.

KIDS: Linguine.
Tetrazzini.

Tetrazzini.

Hey.
April.

I just heard.
Are you okay?

Yeah.
Oh, my God.

Listen, what I said
this afternoon was stupid.

Okay? I totally want
to go out with you.

Good.
I want to be with you.

That was nice.
That... Yeah.

Here's just one thing,
real quick.

I want to be totally honest with
you, because I like you so much.

Okay.
But, like, two minutes ago,

me and Ann did kiss.

What? But here's...
No, no, no, no.

It was crazy.
She kissed me.

Okay, bye.
Wait, where are you going?

Bye.
No, no, no, no, no! Hey!

Bye.
April. April!

Bye!

Dude, don't even
think about kissing me.

And what was your
favorite song, Chelsea?

Penne and the Jets.

Me, too!

Thank you all so much.

With all the parks closed,
we've been going crazy.

It's our pleasure.

Come on.

You guys are the best,
most important people

in the most
important government

in the best city
in the world.

Suck it, Paris, France.

Well, I would say
see you tomorrow, but...

Great job.
Good work, Leslie.

Bye.
See you.

Bye.
See you soon, I hope.

I liked this a lot better
when it was a pit.

Is that weird?

I'm sorry I called
you Mark Brendana-quitz.

Don't ever apologize to me.

I'm serious. If everyone in
government were like you,

then I would probably
still work there.

I got you
a going-away present.

You did?
Mmm-hmm.

Here. Red tape.
So you'll never forget your roots.

That's really nice of you.
Yeah.

Well, I have
something for you, too.

You do?

I sort of threw together some
plans for a future park.

I couldn't fit everything
in that you wanted.

Like the roller coaster
or the shark tank.

But I think it's
a pretty good start.

Thank you.

You're really welcome.

But, you know,
Pawnee's bankrupt.

I doubt I'll get to build
a park anytime soon.

I wouldn't bet
against you.

See you around.
Mmm-hmm.

Morning.

Hi, what are you
doing here?

Ron made me the official Parks and Rec
representative for the budget discussions.

That's only supposed to be...
Essential personnel?

Yeah.
Yeah.

So, shall we get started?
I have so many ideas.

Is this an autographed
picture of Jamie Foxx?

There it is. Thank God.

So how long is this
shutdown going to last?

No idea. I might
have to get a temp job.

Maybe I should start
working on my cologne line.

(RON WHISTLING)

Uh-oh. Check it out.
Whenever Ron has sex,

the next morning, he comes
in dressed like Tiger Woods.

RON: You all set?

TOM: Oh, God.

LUCY: What?
Who is that?

That is my ex-wife.