Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 2 - Canvassing - full transcript

Well, one of the funner
things that we do here in Pawnee

is the annual Easter egg hunt.

Tom hides the eggs, and I have to say
he did an exceptional job this year.

I've been searching for 25 minutes
and I haven't found a single egg.

And I'm an adult.

Oh. Yeah,
I forgot to do that.

Maybe Tom's trying to
make this year a challenge.

And if so, he's succeeding.

I don't think a single
egg has been found yet.

Let's keep looking.
We're gonna find one.

I'm going to see my mom.



She's a big mucky-muck in
the county school system.

She's my hero.
How do I explain her?

She's as respected
as Mother Teresa.

She's as powerful as Stalin,

and she's as beautiful
as Margaret Thatcher.

In or out, Leslie.
Doorway is creepy.

Right, sorry.
Choosing in.

So, what do you want, Leslie?

Just here to gossip,
gab, chat, stuff we do.

But it looks like you're super busy,
and I am super busy,

so I shall bid you adieu.

Oh. That's weird.
I just remembered something.

I have my own subcommittee now.

Yeah. I'm sure you've heard something
about it. People are talking about it.



- No.
- Oh. Well.

Anyway, we're having a town hall
meeting tomorrow at 7:00 p.m.

- At the Smithfield Community Center.
- Mmm.

Yeah, I'm leading it.
It's no biggie.

I mean, it is.
It's a big deal.

I mean, I don't know.
You know...

You want to come?

Oh. Honey, jeez.
You know how busy I am.

I know. I know. I know!
That's why I fake invited you.

I'll try to be there.

Okay. So, everybody's here.
Let's get started.

Ow!

Sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Metal.
Sorry. That's really loud.

Subcommittee members.
Are we prepared for tomorrow night?

- Tom, have you booked the hall yet?
- Yes, sir.

Ann, did you clear
your schedule?

I think you might be taking this to
the public a little bit too soon.

It literally doesn't matter
what you propose to the public.

They might call for a vote, and if
they vote you down, then you're done.

I don't care if there's gonna be a vote.

I have a secret
weapon, canvassing.

Nothing better than good old-fashioned
door-to-door campaigning.

I'm not above
using my expertise

to change hearts and minds
if the cause is just.

When I was in sixth grade,
I was voted Best Dressed by 87 votes.

And there were only
63 people in my class.

Andy fell into that pit.
I fell into that pit.

How many more Pawnee citizens are
gonna have to fall into that pit

before we turn it into a park?
Zero. Say it.

- Zero.
- Zero.

- A hundred.
- Zero.

I've got some sunscreen for your beaks.

Tom, you probably
won't need any.

Uh... And this is
our canvassing guide.

This is gonna be the script that
we use when we speak with people.

"If a person is a man,
turn to page two."

"If the person looks like a
celebrity, example, Jack Nicholson,

"use this to help your pitch.

"Example, 'Y ou can't
handle the pit.

"'T hat's why we need to
turn it into a park.'"

Oh. This is
really thorough.

Ann and I are a team.
You guys are a team.

We have even sectors, you guys have
odd sectors. And we're gonna win.

- Yeah.
- Win what?

Go!

Okay.
Ooh, someone's in there.

This is gonna be fun.
Are you excited? - Excited, yeah.

- Are you ready?
- Yes, definitely.

- Are you pumped up?
- Yes!

Look humble.
But confident.

Good afternoon. We are representatives
from your local government.

May we speak with you for a moment
about the Sullivan Street pit?

Sure.

Excellent!
Positive response.

How would you feel if we turned that
pit into a beautiful community park?

Oh. Yeah.
That'd be a great idea.

Oh. Good.
I actually live in the neighborhood

So I could probably
tell you a little bit about...

- That's... Go to section three.
- Okay.

Um... We are having a
public forum tomorrow night.

And it would be great if you could come,
voice your strong support.

Tomorrow? I can't.
I'm busy. Sorry.

Oh. Yes, we understand
that people are busy,

but we would love for you to
come to the meeting and to...

Sorry. Good luck, though.
I'm all for a park.

Would it change your mind
if we told you that...

She's gone.

Yeah, a park, huh?
That sounds like a really good idea.

Great. Would you be willing to come to
a town meeting and show your support?

Absolutely. Now, is this park
gonna have a playground or,

you know, maybe
a pool for the kids?

Oh, how old are your kids?

No kids.

Uh-oh.

- I'm gonna put him down as a yes.
- Don't do that.

Also, is the park gonna be at
least 1,000 feet from my house?

Because, you know,
I really can't move again.

April, please stand behind me.

That's it. That's all.
That's all we've got.

- No flier?
- Nope.

Okay.
Thank you.

Wow, man. This is great.
This is so great. I love canvassing.

What a great way
to spend my time.

All right, Team Haverford.
You guys are awesome,

but I think I might work
better as a solo artist.

So, I'm gonna
head out. Peace.

- He runs weird.
- He really does.

It's a good idea.
But I'm just not sure.

Okay. Which part are
you not sure about?

Turning the pit into a park.

That's kind of the whole thing.

Well, look, I think this is a great
idea, but I can't make any forum.

I would have to
get a babysitter.

How old are your kids?

Four and two.

Could the 4-year-old watch
the 2-year-old? - Okay.

Mickey! What's up, buddy?

How's my number one
sod man doing?

Look, here's the one, two,
three of the situation.

One, we're building a new park,

two, I'm on the committee,

three, you're
putting in the sod.

And who knows, you know?
Maybe, down the line,

a situation will arise
where you could hook me up.

Are you gonna commit to coming
to this meeting tomorrow,

or are you gonna be a bitch?

Yes, you do owe me.

Tom Haverford.

Okay. Keep going,
keep moving.

Nose to the grindstone.
No means yes.

Can we stop, please?
Because it's really hot, and I'm tired.

Yeah, I'm hot, too.

Let's blow on
each ether's faces.

Or we could drink some water.

Yeah, let's do that.

My house is really close by. Let's
just go take a break for an hour or so.

Okay, okay. Look, I didn't want
it to have to come to this,

but, Ann, please open the sealed
envelope that's in your binder.

This is a little something
I learned from Karl Rove.

If you want to guarantee
the results of a survey,

you design the question to give
you the answer that you want.

"Wouldn't you rather have a park than
a storage facility for nuclear waste?"

That seems iffy.

Yeah, don't worry about it,
I made it all up.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

Wouldn't you agree,
like most decent Americans,

that it would be a good idea

to turn the abandoned
lot on Sullivan Street

into a beautiful
community park?

Oh. Actually, no.
I'm not really a fan of parks.

Very noisy,
barbecue smell all the time.

Would you change your
mind if I told you that

nine out of 10 meth users
said the same exact thing?

What?
How would you even know that?

Survey. We surveyed
crystal meth users.

We're actually having a little
town meeting tomorrow night

if you wanted to just... Look,
I know it sounds weird,

but I just don't like
living near parks.

So if you have a flier or something,
I'd be happy to take it.

Thank you.
Okay.

You don't care about your kids
if you don't support this park!

Excuse me?

It's... What I mean is,
kids love parks and you should, too.

So, if I don't support
your little project,

then I don't love my daughter?

I didn't...

What time is
this thing, anyway?

Oh, it's next month,
forget about it.

Oh, it's tomorrow night.
I'll be there.

- Great.
- Okay. Come on.

- We got one.
- Come on.

Am I talking to the two
sexiest thighs in landscaping?

Yes, I am, 'cause
I'm talking to Marcy.

How's it going?
Tom Haverford.

Kevin, your sandboxes are the best.
That's why I want you involved!

I just want the best monkey
bars I can get in my park.

I don't mind hooking you up.

Maybe, down the line, there'll be a
situation where you can hook me up.

Thank you for your time, sir.

Hmm, he said some
upsetting things.

I can't believe you gave
him your home phone number.

Well, I'm a public servant.
I need to be accessible.

What the hell is
wrong with people?

I should show them
Andy's medical bills.

Maybe they'd have
a little sympathy.

Oh, my God. Ann!
Game changer.

You just busted
the game wide open.

- How?
- Andy.

We need Andy.
He's our symbol.

We'll wheel him around the
neighborhood to get sympathy.

- He's a cute FDR. Yeah!
- Yeah!

Ron, you got a minute?

Uh, sure, Paul.
What can I do for you?

The Sullivan Street Park project.
You fast-tracked it, right?

Yeah, absolutely.
We have a public forum tomorrow.

Okay. Great.
I'll be there.

Great.

Mmm. "Hey!
You fast-tracked that, right?"

I'm sorry?
Did you say something?

- Nope.
- You didn't say anything to me?

Nope.

There's a new wind blowing in
government and I don't like it.

All of a sudden, there's all
this federal money coming in,

and Paul, the city manager,
is telling us to build parks

and start new community programs.
It's horrifying.

Do you have, like,
a nurse's costume? Costume?

- You mean, like, scrubs?
- Yeah, put those on.

Okay.

Please tell me

Please tell me why

My car is in the front yard

Bass! Come on.

And I'm sleeping
with my clothes on

I came in through
the window last night

It can be tricky dealing... Don't...

Why do I want to
build this park so bad?

Maybe because a pit
filled with garbage

isn't the best that
we can do in America.

You know, in Russia,
they could pretend that pit was a park,

bring their kids down there.

"Hey, Vlad!
Look at these rocks!

"Let's pretend
they're potatoes!"

"Nikolai! Do you want
to swim in the dirt?"

But not here. Okay?
'Cause we're a nation of dreamers.

And it is my dream
to build a park.

That I one day visit with my
White House staff on my birthday.

And they say, "President Knope,
this park is awesome.

"Now we understand why you are the first
female President of the United States."

Leslie Knope, builder of parks.
How was canvassing?

Canvassing was okay,

but I think we're gonna have
to postpone the town meeting.

Postpone?

Only for one to 90 days.

No. You're doing this meeting.
You have my full support.

I was talking to the city manager,
exchanging ideas.

Um, there's
a mutual respect there.

And together, we have decided
to fast-track your project.

City manager?
Wow. Really?

I have to cancel this meeting.

Fast-track?
Did my name come up at all?

Oh, this meeting
needs to be canceled.

No, it's happening.

Look, just do a good job
tomorrow. Okay?

We have to push
this thing through.

Of course.
Of course.

I'll push anything through anything.
You know me.

Are you sweating
through your suit?

I doubt it. It's a very
breathable fabric...

Oh, yeah. I am.

Jerry, what's up, man?

Hey, you're into
pretzels, right?

Bam!
Hit them up, man.

Thanks for coming down. I got a
seat taped off for you over there.

My top priority with this park,
getting your fences in there.

I drove by one of your
fences the other day.

I was like, "Man, that fence looks
awesome." I was like, of course, Roy's.

If you're into chocolate muffins,
grab as many you want.

Some people may say that bringing
in these contractors this early

is jumping the gun
a little bit.

Well, guess what?
Here's the gun, here's me.

Boom!

Victor Miles.
Tom Haverford. How are you?

Thank you so much
for coming down.

I want to introduce
you to Leslie.

- Victor Miles.
- Hi.

He's a gentleman
I met canvassing.

He also happens to be the
top sod guy in Indiana.

That's terrific.

Hey, Leslie. Hey.

I really want you to nail this.

Don from Don's Cement.
Tom Haverford. Good to see you.

I was thinking of a jingle
for your company. How's this?

Don's cement
It's the best you can get

Don's

I'm so glad you're here.

Yeah. Andy came, too,
to give his support.

I have a lot of
stage experience, so...

This will be fine, right?

It's a park for God's sakes.

How much can they hate a park?

A lot of them seemed to
hate a park yesterday.

April.
April, I need you in the audience. Okay.

Wait, and if the questions start
getting negative, I'm gonna call on you.

And I need you to sell the crap
out of the park. Can you do that?

- Why?
- Please, April! This is serious!

Can you do that?

Probably.

Good girl, good girl,
good "probably."

Good girl. Okay, here we go.
Line up, everybody.

My mom's here.
My mom's here.

My mom's here.

No. I can't do that.
That's illegal.

Thank you so much
for coming out tonight.

This is our first town
meeting about the proposal

to turn Lot 48 on Sullivan
Street into a community park.

Yeah!

This is gonna be a train wreck.

I want my
daughter to be successful,

which is why I always tell her,

"There's nothing wrong
with being a wife and mother."

Now, there are many
people that I spoke to

who are passionately
in support of this idea.

None of them were able to make
it tonight, unfortunately.

But they totally exist.
I did not make them up.

Oh, I see a question.
Okay. No, no.

No. No questions
right now.

- My name is Kate Spivack.
- Mmm-hmm. I remember you.

And I live in the neighborhood.

And I am 100%
against this park.

I cannot believe the department
is moving forward with a project

without a single
environmental impact study,

and if you guys agree with me,
let's take a stand.

Okay.

We are a little
ahead of schedule,

because we're holding this
town hall meeting so soon,

which I was warned about
by Mark Brendanawicz,

our city planner
assigned to this project.

Uh... So what would he say?

Here we are.

Leslie, should I give
them some background info on the site?

Absolutely. Okay.

Mark Brendanawicz knows the
answer to every question.

He's amazing and congratulations
for hearing him speak.

Hi there. Leslie might have
oversold me a little bit.

Certainly did not.
He's the man.

He's capable of anything.
Okay.

Lot 48 is...
It's a rectangular lot.

It's got excellent drainage. And it's
on the corner of Sullivan and Collins.

Any questions?

I have more of a comment
than a question. Go for it.

It's for the guy in the casts.

Here we go, Lawrence.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

That is Andy Dwyer.

He is a local resident and he
tragically fell in the pit.

Uh, yeah. I don't
care about any of that.

He's the guy that plays music
all night in his garage.

It's driving me nuts.

Lawrence lives
with his grandma.

Which is pretty awesome.

He takes care of her, I guess.

But whatever, he's a douchebag.

It's loud, it's abusive,
and it's waking up my birds.

You have birds, now?

Yeah, I have birds.
I have nice, pretty, expensive birds,

and you play that music,
and it wakes them up.

Look, I don't work for
the government, okay?

Uh, I do play rock and roll.

Guilty as charged.
I'm in a band.

It's called Just the Tip.

And actually, if anyone here plays bass,
we need a bassist.

Yes. Okay, let's take a
five-minute break, shall we?

- Uh. It is not going well at all.
- Mmm-hmm.

It's going very poorly.
Okay? - Mmm-hmm.

Like, you're
crashing and burning.

Democracy's happening.

People are talking. I mean,
at least they aren't apathetic, right?

You're right about that.
They're deeply negative.

You need to put
a happy face on this,

give me a few positive talking points,

and whatever you do,
avoid a vote.

I'm oddly attracted
to Kate Spivack.

Before we continue, I'd love to just
give you a little history of Pawnee.

The City of Pawnee
was incorporated in 1817,

when a young man by the name
of Reverend Luther Howell

came from Terre Haute on an ox.

He planted his flag
in the ground

and was met soon after by an
angry tribe of Wamapoke Indians,

who, when seeing the whiteness of
his skin, twisted him to death.

Flash forward to 1969.

Man walks on the moon.

Pawnee is lousy with hippies...

My, God.
She's filibustering her own meeting.

Filibuster!

Boom!

They can't touch you
if you talk forever.

I can't speak of
the future, but I will.

The future of Pawnee will involve
us flying around in space taxis,

where we will
communicate on watches,

and blink our feelings to each other,
rather than use words.

And now, I'd like to
take a magical journey

through a little something I like
to call The Phantom Tollbooth,

by Norton Juster.

Excuse me? Can't you read that
children's book on your own time?

I have the floor!

"There once was
a boy named Milo,

"who didn't know what to do with
himself, not just sometimes, but..."

Okay, all right. You know what?
This is a public forum,

which means that we all get
to tell you what we think.

Well, you did
already talk, ma'am.

And I would love to listen to
someone else. Someone I don't know.

Uh... That girl over there with the
long brown hair and the yellow top.

Could you tell us how
you feel about this park?

- Go ahead.
- Hi.

Uh, I'm a youth in the community and
I think a new park is a great idea.

And I fully support it, as would the
rest of the youth in the community.

Hey! I recognize her.

That kid came to
my door yesterday.

Oh, my God! Okay, they have
planted people in this audience.

Unbelievable!

You know what? We all agree
that this park is a bad idea.

We should just take a vote.
Right? - Yeah.

Okay, we will take a vote.

Before we do that,
I want everyone up,

lined up behind
that microphone,

and I want to hear from all of you.
One by one.

That was brutal.

A couple of weeks ago, I was
yelling at Leslie at a public forum.

God, I hope I wasn't
as obnoxious as those people.

I wasn't, right?

At 5:00 in the morning,
every morning, beep, beep, beep!

I don't want to hear that. Now, how
long is this project gonna take?

That's what I want to know.
That's what's important to me.

Because I need my sleep.
I put some...

Thank you, ma'am.
Thank you, ma'am.

That concludes our meeting.

What about the vote?

We're out of time.
It's 9:00.

But we will have many
public forums in the future,

and we hope to see you all there.
Thank you so much for coming.

It was tough.

But, you know, that's Pawnee.
That's democracy.

There are a lot of people
here that want this park.

You just gotta get past the
negative people. But guess what?

My subcommittee held its first
town hall meeting tonight.

God, I loved it!

I loved every minute of it.

- Hey, park lady.
- Yeah?

You suck.

Hear that?
He called me "park lady."

You know, normally, I don't
agree with Leslie about anything,

but this book is awesome.