Parker Lewis Can't Lose (1990–1993): Season 3, Episode 4 - Summer of '92 - full transcript
With Annie leaving town for a bit Parker is left with Mikey for entertainment. Mikey's idea of entertainment though usually involves flirting with the ladies and consequently leaves Parker in an awkward position. As the two hook up with two college girls and go to an underground dance a potential connection is made. Parker's faced with the very real possibility of cheating on Annie and probably not getting caught. Will Parker give into pressure or will his conscience eat him alive?
- Remember, I'll be back...
- I know, Sunday.
- Pick me up at...
- I know, 5:00.
And don't forget to stop by my
house and please feed my...
I know, feed your goldfish.
Annie, you ever get
the feeling that...
We know each other so well
that we've become like two
rats trapped in an airtight
box desperately sucking down
their last little rat-sized
lungfuls of oxygen?
No.
Just checking.
I'm in a rut, Mikey.
With Annie, with everything.
How many summers do I have
left to test my limits?
Find out what I'm made of.
I mean, let's face it.
Sometimes I feel like
Mr. Boring, Mr. Dull.
I know where I wanna be,
down there at the
summer swap meet.
At least there if you get
bored with something
you can try and unload
it on someone else.
Oopsie.
Mikey, how much do you think
I'd get for the old me?
Probably not as much
as Shelly's getting
for your old shirts.
Grace Musso.
Just the sight of you
soliciting sends tingles
down my spine.
What spine?
Ooh, tingle number two.
No looky-loos. If you're not
buying, please waddle on.
You know, Grace, if I didn't
think better of you,
I'd swear you were here
just to attract men.
Who, me? Ha-ha-ha, nonsense!
Can I interest you two
young buck marines in
something in a
shoulder-mounted
rocket launcher?
Okay, that's it. It's time to
do something really crazy.
You up to it?
Ah, Parker, Parker, Parker.
My party days are over.
Working two jobs,
trying to make my rent.
The last thing on my mind
is meaningless pleasure.
Whoa! Intense babeage
at three o'clock.
- Park, I think you're right.
- You need to get out of your rut.
With them? Get real, Mikey.
They've got to be
at least... in college.
You want danger, you've gotta
get some higher education.
We're on a roof.
Isn't that dangerous enough?
No.
Car trouble?
We can't decide whether
to have it cremated
or buried at sea.
Well, Parker here is a genius
when it comes to cars.
Aren't you, Park?
Uh... Well, a sedan has, what,
four doors? A coupe, um...
Oh, by the way,
that's Mary and I'm Erin.
Do you think they like us?
No, they're fixing our
car as a humanitarian
gesture of good will.
I hate you.
Just remember, this whole
thing could end up being
one beautiful memory.
Yeah, and so could Annie.
- Which one do you like?
- The one that talks.
They like us.
Mikey, I've got two
words for you.
Jail bait.
They're old enough.
We're jail bait.
These ladies are on our side.
You just gotta know
how to read the signs.
- Mary made eye contact.
- Now, that's a first down.
Then, she touched your
shoulder. That's big yardage.
Then both of them laughed
at our lame jokes.
Now, you've gotta hit
the oomph button.
Don't fumble the come-ons,
blitz up the middle
and pow! We score.
I'm still dubious maximus.
Well, one thing's for sure,
they don't have boyfriends.
Zero maintenance.
Okay, turn it over.
You guys are grease monkey gods.
We bow to no gods before you.
Listen, are you two interested
in going raving?
- Uh...
- Outlaw party.
Different location each week.
Yeah. Well, gee...
There is that cheese
documentary on the
Discovery channel.
We're there.
Right, Park?
- What am I doing?
- I've got a girlfriend.
- I can't do this.
- Annie and I are a couple.
Well, green eyes?
Hmm? Hmm?
It's a date!
Let me get this straight.
You'll be breaking the law,
and cheating on the
woman that you love.
Do the words "burn in hell"
mean anything to you, sir?
- Ease up, Jerry.
- It's just a party.
But it's an illegal party, sir.
What about the whole
morality issue?
Parker's a moral guy.
These college girls don't know
you're in high school.
What about the whole
honesty issue?
Parker's an honest guy.
And Annie. What about the
whole fidelity issue?
Jerry, do you see
a leash on him?
What was I thinking?
Go for it, sir.
- Hmm. Maybe Jerry's right.
- I am going to burn in hell.
Shelly, I've got a question
for you.
When is a rag not a rag?
- Well, I don't know, Coach.
- When is a rag not a rag?
When it's a wonder rag.
Yay!
The amazing all-purpose wonder
rag can sop up spills even
when it's on fire.
Sounds great.
But it also sounds expensive.
How much does one of these cost?
$50, $60?
$50, $60!
- $50, $60!
- Is that what you think?
- I'm offering these amazingly fantastical wonder rags for only $19.
- 95.
Boo!
- Not good enough!
- The crowd wants more!
- You want more? You want more?
- Is that what you want?
- Yeah!
- I'll give them more!
How about two shirts, $14.95?
Boo!
And I'll toss in a free
Ronco trimmer.
Yeah!
Supernova, my collection.
The Starship Enterprise.
As featured in the eagerly
anticipated yet over-long
first motion picture.
How do I know those
are the authentic
photon torpedo tubes?
Do I look like an imitation
photon torpedo tube
model maker? Do I? Do I?
Keep walking, bum.
Oopsie.
- Words of advice, Grace.
- Sex sells.
Don't be afraid to use
your womanly charms
to seduce the buyer.
Get out of my sight,
you pathetic,
planet-sized pig-dog!
Sold!
See how easy that was?
Next week the party's
in the bad part of town.
This is nuts! What if Annie
finds out I'm on a date?
- How could she know?
- She's 100 miles away.
Unless she has that sixth
sense that all women
seem to possess.
- Hmm?
-Kidding, kidding!
Jeez, lighten up!
Okay. I'm just
gonna... lay low.
- Okay, not a problem.
- I can do this.
I'll go in, have a good time,
just as long as nobody I know
finds out I'm here.
Shoot!
Ta-da!
Shake that body!
This is too happening.
- Hey, come on, Mike.
- We're gonna miss Seinfeld.
Well, looks like I'm safe.
There's nobody here to
report back to Annie.
Except Brad Penny.
The one guy who wouldn't
hesitate to nail me.
Hey Parker, there's
a friend of mine!
- Brad!
- Mary, how's it going?
Good! Brad, Parker.
Oh, we know each other.
Hey! Some party, huh, Park?
Let me know if this guy tries
anything, I'll take care
of him for you, okay?
Parker?
Annie?
Having fun with your date?
Great DJ, huh?
Shame, shame, shame!
Annie?
So what's her name?
Excuse me?
- Your girlfriend.
- What's her name?
Direct hit. Maintain, Parker.
You can still talk your
way out of this.
All you need is something
believable yet ingenious.
Uh... yeah, it's Annie.
We've been seeing each other
about 10 months now.
It's kind of serious.
Cool.
You're not mad?
Nah, serious is great.
So is not serious, and we came
here to have a good time.
So... stop being so serious!
Woo, baby!
Woo!
Woo-hoo.
Woo!
Hey! Mikey, you having fun?
Hey, I am only here
to make sure that you
have a good time.
I get no pleasure out of this.
This is heaven.
I'm having the kind of night
that makes me wanna go,
Woo!
Attention, this is the police!
This is an illegal assembly,
please proceed to the...
- Raid!
- Raid!
Raid!
Split up!
This way, this way!
- Mr. Lewis! Mr. Randall!
- Mr. Phillips!
- What are we doing?
- -Trust me, I know where I'm going.
If you know where you're going
why are we trapped in a giant,
hefty trash can liner?
Woo-hoo!
Wow, I've never been to
a party that's actually
been raided before!
Oh, man, are you in a
good mood or what.
- Hey, I'm pumped.
- Come on.
Let's go do something crazy.
I got an idea.
Let's go to the park and
ride on the swings.
Standing up!
Ooh, you are dangerous.
Oh, well.
I've got an idea.
Do you wanna go back
to my place?
Um...
Um, uh...
You coming?
Must resist... her... charms.
- Fight... attraction.
- Just say... no.
Yes.
This is it.
I wanted to see how far
I could go,
and here I am at a college
girl's apartment at 2:30
in the morning.
No telling what's waiting
for me on the other
side of the door.
All right, Park,
you ditched the cops!
Well, come on in, you criminal.
What took you so long?
We stopped by the park.
Parker wanted to frolic
on the swings.
I did not want to frolic.
It's all over your face, man.
What?
Post-frolic afterglow.
Don't worry, Park,
life has its grey areas.
Hey! Where are you going?
Oh, Erin wants to have
a little talk with me.
In her room.
Mikey! Psst! No!
Mikey...
Your Erogenous Zones.
The Kamasutra.
Parker Lewis Gets Lucky!
So Erin took Mikey into
her room for one of
her little talks, huh?
If I know Mikey,
she's already in love.
I hate men.
In third grade, it was so
easy to keep a guy happy.
White paste, apple juice.
A couple of Twinkies.
By seventh grade,
everything changed.
I was a complete failure
at hickies.
Thank you.
- What am I doing here?
- I don't know this girl.
- She could be crazy.
- And what's with all these candles?
I might end up
a human sacrifice.
Which might not be so bad...
I like you, Parker Lewis.
You're really... obvious.
Obvious?
In a nice way.
- In a nice way.
- I mean, it's nice to meet a guy who's sweet and sincere for a change.
A lot of guys think that
uncomplicated means boring,
but you're not complicated.
And you're not boring.
I think she wants me.
Has anyone ever told you
you've got a real Opie
thing going for you?
Yeah, she wants me.
Chris dumped me
right after Kevin.
And I'd hate his guts if I
still didn't love him so much.
Do you think that's sick?
Uh... sure.
Oh...
Smoke?
Oh, no thanks.
You really are the last
boy scout, aren't you?
I like that.
So tell me. Did you
have a good time tonight?
One of the best nights
I've ever had.
I'm sorry. It's, uh...
This whole secondhand
smoke thing.
Would you mind if
I opened the window?
Go ahead.
- I have the coolest boyfriend!
- I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
Annie? She's been haunting
me all night long.
Everywhere I've gone,
I've seen her face.
But this time,
the fantasy's different.
This time, I'm glad to see her.
You know, whatever it is
you're looking at out there
will probably still
be there in the morning.
Hmm? Oh, uh... Yeah, right.
Listen, Mary, there's
something I have to say.
Uh, Park, look, sorry
to interrupt, but if I'm gonna
get to work on time
- I'll have to get up like...
- Oof, 45 minutes ago.
I'm outta here.
- You stayin'?
- Ah, give me a minute.
I'll be outside... sleeping.
Mary, I'm sorry,
but I just don't think
this is gonna work out.
Look, if it's our age
difference that bothers you...
- Don't worry about it.
- I know you're young.
You mean you don't care
that I'm 16?
Oh, man. Oh, man I thought
you were, like, 20.
- Really?
- Coolness.
Summer swap meet days are over.
I guess you could say a swap
meet is a lot like life.
There will always be some
things you want to hang on to.
And some things you don't.
Phew.
They're about people
needing people.
And people needing money.
They're about the things
you outgrow.
And the people you want
to grow old with.
Mainly, my Annie.
I know that now,
after surviving my
weekend of temptation
with an older woman.
Only to be brought down
by a stray bullet.
Brad's gonna tell
Annie everything!
And I didn't do anything!
He's gonna tell her about
the party, and Mary.
He's evil, he's gonna
tear this relationship
limb from limb.
He's merciless, he's deadly.
He's gonna... smile,
nod and walk right by.
He's a heck of a guy.
What can I say?
Sometimes you need to take a
walk on the dark side
to appreciate how good
things look in the light.
- Mary was right.
- It's easy to confuse simplicity with boredom.
Thanks to her,
I'm sure of one thing.
When it comes to Annie,
I'm not trapped, I'm hooked.
- Honey, I've been in a rut lately.
- What do you say we do something crazy?
Wanna ride the swings?
Standing up?
You're a maniac.
Mr. Lewis? Mr. Randall?
Mr. Phillips? Hello?
- I know, Sunday.
- Pick me up at...
- I know, 5:00.
And don't forget to stop by my
house and please feed my...
I know, feed your goldfish.
Annie, you ever get
the feeling that...
We know each other so well
that we've become like two
rats trapped in an airtight
box desperately sucking down
their last little rat-sized
lungfuls of oxygen?
No.
Just checking.
I'm in a rut, Mikey.
With Annie, with everything.
How many summers do I have
left to test my limits?
Find out what I'm made of.
I mean, let's face it.
Sometimes I feel like
Mr. Boring, Mr. Dull.
I know where I wanna be,
down there at the
summer swap meet.
At least there if you get
bored with something
you can try and unload
it on someone else.
Oopsie.
Mikey, how much do you think
I'd get for the old me?
Probably not as much
as Shelly's getting
for your old shirts.
Grace Musso.
Just the sight of you
soliciting sends tingles
down my spine.
What spine?
Ooh, tingle number two.
No looky-loos. If you're not
buying, please waddle on.
You know, Grace, if I didn't
think better of you,
I'd swear you were here
just to attract men.
Who, me? Ha-ha-ha, nonsense!
Can I interest you two
young buck marines in
something in a
shoulder-mounted
rocket launcher?
Okay, that's it. It's time to
do something really crazy.
You up to it?
Ah, Parker, Parker, Parker.
My party days are over.
Working two jobs,
trying to make my rent.
The last thing on my mind
is meaningless pleasure.
Whoa! Intense babeage
at three o'clock.
- Park, I think you're right.
- You need to get out of your rut.
With them? Get real, Mikey.
They've got to be
at least... in college.
You want danger, you've gotta
get some higher education.
We're on a roof.
Isn't that dangerous enough?
No.
Car trouble?
We can't decide whether
to have it cremated
or buried at sea.
Well, Parker here is a genius
when it comes to cars.
Aren't you, Park?
Uh... Well, a sedan has, what,
four doors? A coupe, um...
Oh, by the way,
that's Mary and I'm Erin.
Do you think they like us?
No, they're fixing our
car as a humanitarian
gesture of good will.
I hate you.
Just remember, this whole
thing could end up being
one beautiful memory.
Yeah, and so could Annie.
- Which one do you like?
- The one that talks.
They like us.
Mikey, I've got two
words for you.
Jail bait.
They're old enough.
We're jail bait.
These ladies are on our side.
You just gotta know
how to read the signs.
- Mary made eye contact.
- Now, that's a first down.
Then, she touched your
shoulder. That's big yardage.
Then both of them laughed
at our lame jokes.
Now, you've gotta hit
the oomph button.
Don't fumble the come-ons,
blitz up the middle
and pow! We score.
I'm still dubious maximus.
Well, one thing's for sure,
they don't have boyfriends.
Zero maintenance.
Okay, turn it over.
You guys are grease monkey gods.
We bow to no gods before you.
Listen, are you two interested
in going raving?
- Uh...
- Outlaw party.
Different location each week.
Yeah. Well, gee...
There is that cheese
documentary on the
Discovery channel.
We're there.
Right, Park?
- What am I doing?
- I've got a girlfriend.
- I can't do this.
- Annie and I are a couple.
Well, green eyes?
Hmm? Hmm?
It's a date!
Let me get this straight.
You'll be breaking the law,
and cheating on the
woman that you love.
Do the words "burn in hell"
mean anything to you, sir?
- Ease up, Jerry.
- It's just a party.
But it's an illegal party, sir.
What about the whole
morality issue?
Parker's a moral guy.
These college girls don't know
you're in high school.
What about the whole
honesty issue?
Parker's an honest guy.
And Annie. What about the
whole fidelity issue?
Jerry, do you see
a leash on him?
What was I thinking?
Go for it, sir.
- Hmm. Maybe Jerry's right.
- I am going to burn in hell.
Shelly, I've got a question
for you.
When is a rag not a rag?
- Well, I don't know, Coach.
- When is a rag not a rag?
When it's a wonder rag.
Yay!
The amazing all-purpose wonder
rag can sop up spills even
when it's on fire.
Sounds great.
But it also sounds expensive.
How much does one of these cost?
$50, $60?
$50, $60!
- $50, $60!
- Is that what you think?
- I'm offering these amazingly fantastical wonder rags for only $19.
- 95.
Boo!
- Not good enough!
- The crowd wants more!
- You want more? You want more?
- Is that what you want?
- Yeah!
- I'll give them more!
How about two shirts, $14.95?
Boo!
And I'll toss in a free
Ronco trimmer.
Yeah!
Supernova, my collection.
The Starship Enterprise.
As featured in the eagerly
anticipated yet over-long
first motion picture.
How do I know those
are the authentic
photon torpedo tubes?
Do I look like an imitation
photon torpedo tube
model maker? Do I? Do I?
Keep walking, bum.
Oopsie.
- Words of advice, Grace.
- Sex sells.
Don't be afraid to use
your womanly charms
to seduce the buyer.
Get out of my sight,
you pathetic,
planet-sized pig-dog!
Sold!
See how easy that was?
Next week the party's
in the bad part of town.
This is nuts! What if Annie
finds out I'm on a date?
- How could she know?
- She's 100 miles away.
Unless she has that sixth
sense that all women
seem to possess.
- Hmm?
-Kidding, kidding!
Jeez, lighten up!
Okay. I'm just
gonna... lay low.
- Okay, not a problem.
- I can do this.
I'll go in, have a good time,
just as long as nobody I know
finds out I'm here.
Shoot!
Ta-da!
Shake that body!
This is too happening.
- Hey, come on, Mike.
- We're gonna miss Seinfeld.
Well, looks like I'm safe.
There's nobody here to
report back to Annie.
Except Brad Penny.
The one guy who wouldn't
hesitate to nail me.
Hey Parker, there's
a friend of mine!
- Brad!
- Mary, how's it going?
Good! Brad, Parker.
Oh, we know each other.
Hey! Some party, huh, Park?
Let me know if this guy tries
anything, I'll take care
of him for you, okay?
Parker?
Annie?
Having fun with your date?
Great DJ, huh?
Shame, shame, shame!
Annie?
So what's her name?
Excuse me?
- Your girlfriend.
- What's her name?
Direct hit. Maintain, Parker.
You can still talk your
way out of this.
All you need is something
believable yet ingenious.
Uh... yeah, it's Annie.
We've been seeing each other
about 10 months now.
It's kind of serious.
Cool.
You're not mad?
Nah, serious is great.
So is not serious, and we came
here to have a good time.
So... stop being so serious!
Woo, baby!
Woo!
Woo-hoo.
Woo!
Hey! Mikey, you having fun?
Hey, I am only here
to make sure that you
have a good time.
I get no pleasure out of this.
This is heaven.
I'm having the kind of night
that makes me wanna go,
Woo!
Attention, this is the police!
This is an illegal assembly,
please proceed to the...
- Raid!
- Raid!
Raid!
Split up!
This way, this way!
- Mr. Lewis! Mr. Randall!
- Mr. Phillips!
- What are we doing?
- -Trust me, I know where I'm going.
If you know where you're going
why are we trapped in a giant,
hefty trash can liner?
Woo-hoo!
Wow, I've never been to
a party that's actually
been raided before!
Oh, man, are you in a
good mood or what.
- Hey, I'm pumped.
- Come on.
Let's go do something crazy.
I got an idea.
Let's go to the park and
ride on the swings.
Standing up!
Ooh, you are dangerous.
Oh, well.
I've got an idea.
Do you wanna go back
to my place?
Um...
Um, uh...
You coming?
Must resist... her... charms.
- Fight... attraction.
- Just say... no.
Yes.
This is it.
I wanted to see how far
I could go,
and here I am at a college
girl's apartment at 2:30
in the morning.
No telling what's waiting
for me on the other
side of the door.
All right, Park,
you ditched the cops!
Well, come on in, you criminal.
What took you so long?
We stopped by the park.
Parker wanted to frolic
on the swings.
I did not want to frolic.
It's all over your face, man.
What?
Post-frolic afterglow.
Don't worry, Park,
life has its grey areas.
Hey! Where are you going?
Oh, Erin wants to have
a little talk with me.
In her room.
Mikey! Psst! No!
Mikey...
Your Erogenous Zones.
The Kamasutra.
Parker Lewis Gets Lucky!
So Erin took Mikey into
her room for one of
her little talks, huh?
If I know Mikey,
she's already in love.
I hate men.
In third grade, it was so
easy to keep a guy happy.
White paste, apple juice.
A couple of Twinkies.
By seventh grade,
everything changed.
I was a complete failure
at hickies.
Thank you.
- What am I doing here?
- I don't know this girl.
- She could be crazy.
- And what's with all these candles?
I might end up
a human sacrifice.
Which might not be so bad...
I like you, Parker Lewis.
You're really... obvious.
Obvious?
In a nice way.
- In a nice way.
- I mean, it's nice to meet a guy who's sweet and sincere for a change.
A lot of guys think that
uncomplicated means boring,
but you're not complicated.
And you're not boring.
I think she wants me.
Has anyone ever told you
you've got a real Opie
thing going for you?
Yeah, she wants me.
Chris dumped me
right after Kevin.
And I'd hate his guts if I
still didn't love him so much.
Do you think that's sick?
Uh... sure.
Oh...
Smoke?
Oh, no thanks.
You really are the last
boy scout, aren't you?
I like that.
So tell me. Did you
have a good time tonight?
One of the best nights
I've ever had.
I'm sorry. It's, uh...
This whole secondhand
smoke thing.
Would you mind if
I opened the window?
Go ahead.
- I have the coolest boyfriend!
- I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
Annie? She's been haunting
me all night long.
Everywhere I've gone,
I've seen her face.
But this time,
the fantasy's different.
This time, I'm glad to see her.
You know, whatever it is
you're looking at out there
will probably still
be there in the morning.
Hmm? Oh, uh... Yeah, right.
Listen, Mary, there's
something I have to say.
Uh, Park, look, sorry
to interrupt, but if I'm gonna
get to work on time
- I'll have to get up like...
- Oof, 45 minutes ago.
I'm outta here.
- You stayin'?
- Ah, give me a minute.
I'll be outside... sleeping.
Mary, I'm sorry,
but I just don't think
this is gonna work out.
Look, if it's our age
difference that bothers you...
- Don't worry about it.
- I know you're young.
You mean you don't care
that I'm 16?
Oh, man. Oh, man I thought
you were, like, 20.
- Really?
- Coolness.
Summer swap meet days are over.
I guess you could say a swap
meet is a lot like life.
There will always be some
things you want to hang on to.
And some things you don't.
Phew.
They're about people
needing people.
And people needing money.
They're about the things
you outgrow.
And the people you want
to grow old with.
Mainly, my Annie.
I know that now,
after surviving my
weekend of temptation
with an older woman.
Only to be brought down
by a stray bullet.
Brad's gonna tell
Annie everything!
And I didn't do anything!
He's gonna tell her about
the party, and Mary.
He's evil, he's gonna
tear this relationship
limb from limb.
He's merciless, he's deadly.
He's gonna... smile,
nod and walk right by.
He's a heck of a guy.
What can I say?
Sometimes you need to take a
walk on the dark side
to appreciate how good
things look in the light.
- Mary was right.
- It's easy to confuse simplicity with boredom.
Thanks to her,
I'm sure of one thing.
When it comes to Annie,
I'm not trapped, I'm hooked.
- Honey, I've been in a rut lately.
- What do you say we do something crazy?
Wanna ride the swings?
Standing up?
You're a maniac.
Mr. Lewis? Mr. Randall?
Mr. Phillips? Hello?