Parker Lewis Can't Lose (1990–1993): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Kiss - full transcript
Whenever Shelley can exploit weakness in Parker she does. Being an older, buff and bad boy, Brad Penny is also the sworn enemy of Parker Lewis. Consequently Shelley makes a goal of getting a kiss from him against Parker's wishes. As an added bonus Shelley knows Parker is rather powerless against Brad with his track record of 0-2 against him. Also in love news Coach Kohler steps up his game in attempts of winning the heart of Grace Musso. Either Valentine's Day come early this year or a few people are going to wind up crushed.
Before we part forever,
one last kiss.
Lassie!
Before we part forever,
one last kiss.
Before we part forever,
one last kiss.
Before we part forever,
one last kiss.
Before we part forever,
one last kiss.
- Ahh, summer.
- Tell me about it.
No school, no Musso.
No dress code.
- Summer's the hottest time of the year.
- Double meaning intended.
Who doesn't love this
centerfold of seasons?
Summer sucks.
Hey! Let's turn that
frown upside down.
Yeah, right.
Nothing to do, nowhere to go.
No one to see.
- Shel, you're forgetting!
- Dinner at Chuck E. Cheese.
Oh, my gosh. I did forget
about Chuck E. Cheese!
And here I was feeling
sorry for myself!
There is a God.
Come on, Shelly-belly!
We always have a blast
diving into those big
plastic bally things.
Well, I guess you'll just have
to blast off without me.
- Nobody's blasting off without you, Shel.
- Tonight's family night!
- Hey, Dad, can I take my lunch break now?
- I'm supposed to meet Annie at the park.
Sure, you guys gonna
join us for dinner?
- Oh, not tonight, I'm sorry.
- We got other plans.
I hear that. Not a problem.
- Hey, can I use the...
- Drive safely.
- Can I borrow some...
- This should cover it.
- Hey, can I stay...
- No curfew tonight.
How come Parker gets to do
whatever he wants?
- When you're Parker's age...
- Dad.
- I've done the math.
- I'll never be Parker's age.
Ladies and gentlemen, step
right up to the world party.
Only those most qualified
may enter.
- Sixteen years old and male.
- Right this way, sir.
- You don't need no ID, honey.
- You have breasts.
Too young.
Too flat. Too bad.
Watch it, you stupid dinks.
Hey, babe.
I wish I had a boyfriend.
I wish I had boobs.
I wish I were older.
I take that back.
You know, girls your
age often experience
feelings of inferiority.
And I'm here to let you know
that that's okay.
Brothers, you opportunistic,
media-chic psychologist.
You'll do anything
to get on television.
As long as there's
a breath in my body.
Higher!
Higher!
Higher!
Higher!
Oopsie.
I cannot control
my passion any longer.
Burn, Xavier, burn.
Ooh!
Ow.
Sorry to bother you, Brad,
but we reserved that jump
rope for Double Dutch.
Would you mind?
Go rub a lamp.
Listen, Brad.
How about a little slackage?
Okay, I can walk away
and look like a wuss.
Or I can take on Brad, get
pounded and look like a wuss.
Where's a commercial break
when you need one?
- Hey, listen, man.
- Listen to what?
Your brother's gonna
get creamed.
Cool. Today's not
a total loss.
- Remember, Kube.
- I'll do the talking.
- Hi, Annie, hi, kid.
- What a lovely day.
Say, Annie,
your jump rope's ready.
Everyone is going to have
a peachy pie time.
Isn't that right, Kube?
I hate that svelte bum.
That's gross!
Give it to me!
He shops at the Gap.
I shop at the Gap.
We shop at the Gap.
I better get this back to him.
You can't do that. Oh, God.
Oh, God, tell me everything!
Hey Shel, wanna practice?
I'll let you kick a few
in my face.
So what'd he say? Huh? Huh?
It wasn't what he said.
It was how he didn't say it.
Angie, mark my words.
I'm gonna kiss Brad Penny.
Sure. He'll have to be passed
out, tied down or dead.
It's gonna happen.
It may take a day, a week...
A week and a half.
It doesn't matter.
Brad and I are gonna lock lips.
No way.
Absolutely.
Wow!
I'm so House of Style.
Thanks, Annie.
I'm glad you came
to me for help.
Yeah, well, I don't have
a big sister, and I kind
of look at you that way.
Aw, Shel!
Watch the face.
You know,
when you think about it,
kissing's kind of weird.
Two people pressing
their lips together?
- Oh, Shelly.
- So many wonderful mysteries lie in store for you.
So what's the deal
with the tongues?
Excuse me?
You know, French kissing.
Swapping saliva,
mouth-to-mouth drooling.
Gross.
Well, sure, if you think
about it like that.
But when you stop thinking
about it and just do it,
feels pretty good.
So the trick is to
not think about it.
Hmm.
Shelly, I didn't realize
that you and Jerry
were so advanced.
Jerry? Well, Jerry's a man
who gets what he wants.
Huh.
Oopsie number two.
Cool.
You are total Brad-bait.
And these? Two thumbs up.
I almost feel sorry for him.
So, did you bring it?
If my mom finds out I swiped
it from her I'll wind up
in a convent.
If I'm not back in 10 minutes...
Eat your heart out.
Grace should dance with the
dexterity of a centipede.
Can you ever forgive me
for deceiving you?
You little jalapeno pepper, you.
- Got a light?
- Don't smoke.
Me neither!
So...
You read
Maniac Monster Super Truck?
I subscribe.
The article on installing a
torque splitter overdrive
changed my life.
Name's Shelly.
Faster, Kube!
Oopsies number
three through seven.
Bone-stock trucks
are so nothing.
Might as well drive an Accord.
Accord. That's a good one.
I bet your truck
is super loaded.
You know a lot about trucks.
Well, I've always admired
the mechanics and design
of four wheel drive vehicles.
And I like looking down
at other people's cars.
Wow!
KC lights.
Wraparound grill guard.
Double double mushroom roll bar.
Check out those rims.
No running boards?
Running boards?
Cool.
You a gardener or something?
Bricklayer.
Same as my dad and his dad.
And his dad?
College professor.
Bricklaying.
Is it fun?
No, just what I do.
That's so beautiful.
Shift on the fly? Can I see?
Gauges are electrical.
- Mounted on stainless steel.
- They're a pain to install, but...
- They're accurate.
- Accuracy, yes, it's...
Always a pain.
Out of the truck, Shelly.
Out of the truck and on
the ground right now!
Go suck a tailpipe.
Get out now!
- I'm telling you, Shelly.
- If you don't get out then Dad's gonna be very...
I don't want you to ever
talk to my sister again.
You got that?
Hey!
All units. 4-16
in progress. Little sister's
innocence in jeopardy.
Assailant is armed and legged
and pumped and dangerous.
Requesting big brother
backup. Code three.
Shelly took off with Brad
over two hours ago.
When I get my hands on that
young lady
she's gonna have
some explaining to do.
My God, I'm turning into my dad.
- Stop obsessing.
- It's not your fault, man.
I agree, sir.
You shouldn't torture yourself
over something you
have no control over.
Besides, it's all my fault.
Parker, look!
Thanks, Brad! I had the
coolest time, Brad.
It was the most fun I've ever
had in a truck before, Brad.
See you, Brad.
Shelly, tell me everything.
- Nothing to tell.
- Brad drove a few blocks, pulled over and said he had to go to work.
But you've been gone two
hours and 12 minutes!
I did that to toast Parker.
So, did Brad kiss you?
Not yet, but he
wants to... bad.
I could tell.
What happened to your boobs?
Hay fever.
What are you gonna do, sir?
Only one thing to do.
Pound Penny.
Good idea. Violence.
Why don't you two Encino men
let me have a little
girl talk with Shelly?
Maybe you should back off, Park.
Sure, okay.
I wouldn't wanna have
to get busy with Brad
unless I have to.
Thanks, Mikey.
Let me put it to you this way.
Older guys have these urges.
Even Parker?
Well, yes.
Yuck.
What do you do?
Well, first Parker pretends
he's come to repair
the dishwasher.
I remember one time...
Oh, Shelly, this isn't about
Parker, it's about Brad.
He's not someone you can trust.
You're just saying that
because you don't know him.
Everybody thinks he's so bad.
But he's not.
No one understands him.
He lays bricks.
That's it.
Once again, I've got to go
head-to-head with Brad.
Mambo!
Hey, Kube.
You seen Brad Penny?
Los bleachers.
Senor Valdez.
Oh, evening, Laurence.
Oh, those Latin rhythms,
don't you just love them?
Si.
Where is everyone?
Everyone?
The other students?
Other students?
Laurence! What is going on?
I know nada, Miss Musso!
Nada!
It all began earlier this
week when Coach
Kohler devised a plan
to get his grubby little
hands on your...
Extra cheese.
The carioca's up, Hank.
There is no Senor Valdez.
This was all a shameless hoax
designed to get me alone
so you could mambo me!
It isn't like that.
I wanted one night
with you, that's all.
I couldn't help myself.
You're so... magnificent.
Well... yes.
But even so...
I'm afraid your dance
card is filled.
Thanks for getting us a senior
citizen discount, Grace.
Mambo!
Grace!
Grace!
Grace!
Hey!
Hey, Brad!
I wanna talk to you.
Get down here, now.
You know, every time
I turn around, you're telling
me what to do.
I don't like that.
I'm serious, man.
I'll do whatever it takes to
keep you away from my sister.
Do what it takes.
Oh!
Cool.
You two were fighting over me?
No.
If somebody touches me
I deck 'em.
So where are we going?
We are not going anywhere.
You are a kid.
You're breaking up with me,
aren't you?
- I'm not breaking up with you.
- We were never together.
You're being very brave.
Okay, I'm being very brave.
I'll never forget you, Brad.
Whenever I see a monster
truck I'll think of you.
Of us. Of what we were.
- Don't worry about me.
- I'll be okay.
I'm a woman.
Right. I gotta go, okay?
But before you go...
One last kiss.
What? Get out of here!
And then I'll leave
you alone, forever.
Cross my broken heart.
Shelly.
What happened?
Just something between
a man and a woman.
Looks like I picked the wrong
time to regain consciousness.
And then he said every time
he saw a monster truck
he'd think of me.
And then he took me in his arms
and he slowly pressed
his lips to mine.
And he kissed me.
A deep, long kiss.
Mr. Lewis? Mr. Randall?
Mr. Phillips? Hello?
one last kiss.
Lassie!
Before we part forever,
one last kiss.
Before we part forever,
one last kiss.
Before we part forever,
one last kiss.
Before we part forever,
one last kiss.
- Ahh, summer.
- Tell me about it.
No school, no Musso.
No dress code.
- Summer's the hottest time of the year.
- Double meaning intended.
Who doesn't love this
centerfold of seasons?
Summer sucks.
Hey! Let's turn that
frown upside down.
Yeah, right.
Nothing to do, nowhere to go.
No one to see.
- Shel, you're forgetting!
- Dinner at Chuck E. Cheese.
Oh, my gosh. I did forget
about Chuck E. Cheese!
And here I was feeling
sorry for myself!
There is a God.
Come on, Shelly-belly!
We always have a blast
diving into those big
plastic bally things.
Well, I guess you'll just have
to blast off without me.
- Nobody's blasting off without you, Shel.
- Tonight's family night!
- Hey, Dad, can I take my lunch break now?
- I'm supposed to meet Annie at the park.
Sure, you guys gonna
join us for dinner?
- Oh, not tonight, I'm sorry.
- We got other plans.
I hear that. Not a problem.
- Hey, can I use the...
- Drive safely.
- Can I borrow some...
- This should cover it.
- Hey, can I stay...
- No curfew tonight.
How come Parker gets to do
whatever he wants?
- When you're Parker's age...
- Dad.
- I've done the math.
- I'll never be Parker's age.
Ladies and gentlemen, step
right up to the world party.
Only those most qualified
may enter.
- Sixteen years old and male.
- Right this way, sir.
- You don't need no ID, honey.
- You have breasts.
Too young.
Too flat. Too bad.
Watch it, you stupid dinks.
Hey, babe.
I wish I had a boyfriend.
I wish I had boobs.
I wish I were older.
I take that back.
You know, girls your
age often experience
feelings of inferiority.
And I'm here to let you know
that that's okay.
Brothers, you opportunistic,
media-chic psychologist.
You'll do anything
to get on television.
As long as there's
a breath in my body.
Higher!
Higher!
Higher!
Higher!
Oopsie.
I cannot control
my passion any longer.
Burn, Xavier, burn.
Ooh!
Ow.
Sorry to bother you, Brad,
but we reserved that jump
rope for Double Dutch.
Would you mind?
Go rub a lamp.
Listen, Brad.
How about a little slackage?
Okay, I can walk away
and look like a wuss.
Or I can take on Brad, get
pounded and look like a wuss.
Where's a commercial break
when you need one?
- Hey, listen, man.
- Listen to what?
Your brother's gonna
get creamed.
Cool. Today's not
a total loss.
- Remember, Kube.
- I'll do the talking.
- Hi, Annie, hi, kid.
- What a lovely day.
Say, Annie,
your jump rope's ready.
Everyone is going to have
a peachy pie time.
Isn't that right, Kube?
I hate that svelte bum.
That's gross!
Give it to me!
He shops at the Gap.
I shop at the Gap.
We shop at the Gap.
I better get this back to him.
You can't do that. Oh, God.
Oh, God, tell me everything!
Hey Shel, wanna practice?
I'll let you kick a few
in my face.
So what'd he say? Huh? Huh?
It wasn't what he said.
It was how he didn't say it.
Angie, mark my words.
I'm gonna kiss Brad Penny.
Sure. He'll have to be passed
out, tied down or dead.
It's gonna happen.
It may take a day, a week...
A week and a half.
It doesn't matter.
Brad and I are gonna lock lips.
No way.
Absolutely.
Wow!
I'm so House of Style.
Thanks, Annie.
I'm glad you came
to me for help.
Yeah, well, I don't have
a big sister, and I kind
of look at you that way.
Aw, Shel!
Watch the face.
You know,
when you think about it,
kissing's kind of weird.
Two people pressing
their lips together?
- Oh, Shelly.
- So many wonderful mysteries lie in store for you.
So what's the deal
with the tongues?
Excuse me?
You know, French kissing.
Swapping saliva,
mouth-to-mouth drooling.
Gross.
Well, sure, if you think
about it like that.
But when you stop thinking
about it and just do it,
feels pretty good.
So the trick is to
not think about it.
Hmm.
Shelly, I didn't realize
that you and Jerry
were so advanced.
Jerry? Well, Jerry's a man
who gets what he wants.
Huh.
Oopsie number two.
Cool.
You are total Brad-bait.
And these? Two thumbs up.
I almost feel sorry for him.
So, did you bring it?
If my mom finds out I swiped
it from her I'll wind up
in a convent.
If I'm not back in 10 minutes...
Eat your heart out.
Grace should dance with the
dexterity of a centipede.
Can you ever forgive me
for deceiving you?
You little jalapeno pepper, you.
- Got a light?
- Don't smoke.
Me neither!
So...
You read
Maniac Monster Super Truck?
I subscribe.
The article on installing a
torque splitter overdrive
changed my life.
Name's Shelly.
Faster, Kube!
Oopsies number
three through seven.
Bone-stock trucks
are so nothing.
Might as well drive an Accord.
Accord. That's a good one.
I bet your truck
is super loaded.
You know a lot about trucks.
Well, I've always admired
the mechanics and design
of four wheel drive vehicles.
And I like looking down
at other people's cars.
Wow!
KC lights.
Wraparound grill guard.
Double double mushroom roll bar.
Check out those rims.
No running boards?
Running boards?
Cool.
You a gardener or something?
Bricklayer.
Same as my dad and his dad.
And his dad?
College professor.
Bricklaying.
Is it fun?
No, just what I do.
That's so beautiful.
Shift on the fly? Can I see?
Gauges are electrical.
- Mounted on stainless steel.
- They're a pain to install, but...
- They're accurate.
- Accuracy, yes, it's...
Always a pain.
Out of the truck, Shelly.
Out of the truck and on
the ground right now!
Go suck a tailpipe.
Get out now!
- I'm telling you, Shelly.
- If you don't get out then Dad's gonna be very...
I don't want you to ever
talk to my sister again.
You got that?
Hey!
All units. 4-16
in progress. Little sister's
innocence in jeopardy.
Assailant is armed and legged
and pumped and dangerous.
Requesting big brother
backup. Code three.
Shelly took off with Brad
over two hours ago.
When I get my hands on that
young lady
she's gonna have
some explaining to do.
My God, I'm turning into my dad.
- Stop obsessing.
- It's not your fault, man.
I agree, sir.
You shouldn't torture yourself
over something you
have no control over.
Besides, it's all my fault.
Parker, look!
Thanks, Brad! I had the
coolest time, Brad.
It was the most fun I've ever
had in a truck before, Brad.
See you, Brad.
Shelly, tell me everything.
- Nothing to tell.
- Brad drove a few blocks, pulled over and said he had to go to work.
But you've been gone two
hours and 12 minutes!
I did that to toast Parker.
So, did Brad kiss you?
Not yet, but he
wants to... bad.
I could tell.
What happened to your boobs?
Hay fever.
What are you gonna do, sir?
Only one thing to do.
Pound Penny.
Good idea. Violence.
Why don't you two Encino men
let me have a little
girl talk with Shelly?
Maybe you should back off, Park.
Sure, okay.
I wouldn't wanna have
to get busy with Brad
unless I have to.
Thanks, Mikey.
Let me put it to you this way.
Older guys have these urges.
Even Parker?
Well, yes.
Yuck.
What do you do?
Well, first Parker pretends
he's come to repair
the dishwasher.
I remember one time...
Oh, Shelly, this isn't about
Parker, it's about Brad.
He's not someone you can trust.
You're just saying that
because you don't know him.
Everybody thinks he's so bad.
But he's not.
No one understands him.
He lays bricks.
That's it.
Once again, I've got to go
head-to-head with Brad.
Mambo!
Hey, Kube.
You seen Brad Penny?
Los bleachers.
Senor Valdez.
Oh, evening, Laurence.
Oh, those Latin rhythms,
don't you just love them?
Si.
Where is everyone?
Everyone?
The other students?
Other students?
Laurence! What is going on?
I know nada, Miss Musso!
Nada!
It all began earlier this
week when Coach
Kohler devised a plan
to get his grubby little
hands on your...
Extra cheese.
The carioca's up, Hank.
There is no Senor Valdez.
This was all a shameless hoax
designed to get me alone
so you could mambo me!
It isn't like that.
I wanted one night
with you, that's all.
I couldn't help myself.
You're so... magnificent.
Well... yes.
But even so...
I'm afraid your dance
card is filled.
Thanks for getting us a senior
citizen discount, Grace.
Mambo!
Grace!
Grace!
Grace!
Hey!
Hey, Brad!
I wanna talk to you.
Get down here, now.
You know, every time
I turn around, you're telling
me what to do.
I don't like that.
I'm serious, man.
I'll do whatever it takes to
keep you away from my sister.
Do what it takes.
Oh!
Cool.
You two were fighting over me?
No.
If somebody touches me
I deck 'em.
So where are we going?
We are not going anywhere.
You are a kid.
You're breaking up with me,
aren't you?
- I'm not breaking up with you.
- We were never together.
You're being very brave.
Okay, I'm being very brave.
I'll never forget you, Brad.
Whenever I see a monster
truck I'll think of you.
Of us. Of what we were.
- Don't worry about me.
- I'll be okay.
I'm a woman.
Right. I gotta go, okay?
But before you go...
One last kiss.
What? Get out of here!
And then I'll leave
you alone, forever.
Cross my broken heart.
Shelly.
What happened?
Just something between
a man and a woman.
Looks like I picked the wrong
time to regain consciousness.
And then he said every time
he saw a monster truck
he'd think of me.
And then he took me in his arms
and he slowly pressed
his lips to mine.
And he kissed me.
A deep, long kiss.
Mr. Lewis? Mr. Randall?
Mr. Phillips? Hello?