Parker Lewis Can't Lose (1990–1993): Season 3, Episode 16 - The Bitch Is Back - full transcript
Jerry, the head of NASA
has overslept.
Can you take over?
Mikey! Dude,
Slash has a hangnail.
Can you sit in?
Kube, the Kiwanis Club
was a no-show.
What the heck am I gonna do
with 150 pizzas?
- Parker, I can't reach.
- Would you unzip me?
Hello?
Hi, honey. Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.
We're going to
celebrate every day this week.
But we're really going
to celebrate Friday
after the game.
Oh no.
I can't make it.
I'm totally behind on my
mythology paper,
I've gotta fix my car,
I've gotta help my parents
in the store...
Plus I've got to kill Shelly
just on general principle.
Poor sweetie.
What would it take
to put you in a good mood?
Nothing within the
known universe.
Breakfast in bed!
Annie, I'll call you back.
The known universe
is about to collapse.
Parker, I haven't been very
nice to you the past 15 years.
And this being your anniversary
and there being extra food
I made you breakfast.
Now we're even.
Wow.
Enjoy!
Oh, and Dad said he did
the Mondo Video inventory,
so you've got Friday night off.
Coolness!
Larry, what is the sound
of one man chewing?
Kube not know.
Atlas Diner at high noon,
and nobody's here!
I need to shake things up!
Get butts in those booths!
Customers at the counter!
This is a mean
appetite-satisfying machine!
I need to remind people of that.
Why not try a TV commercial?
They always make
Kube want to eat.
Then again, stiff wind make
Kube want to eat.
General breeze make
Kube want to eat.
Motionless air make
Kube want to eat.
Steiner!
You good with that thing?
You the kind of filmmaker who
can take chances?
I filmed my cousin
Harold's circumcision.
Welcome to big time, kid.
I'm hiring you to make a
commercial for Atlas Diner.
Today, Atlas. Tomorrow, Nike.
Hold that thought.
- This is perfect.
- I want you to meet my best friend.
Lewis!
There's been a computer error.
I'm upgrading that "C" you got
in Mr. Fine's class to an "A."
Sorry about the inconvenience.
Oh, and happy anniversary.
This is the kind of
luck streak where
you don't ask why.
You just roll with it.
Maybe Parker Lewis
can't lose after all!
Mr. Lewis? You know that paper
in mythology hanging
over your head,
like the sword of Damocles,
making it impossible for you
to see Annie
because it will take
30 hours to finish?
- I'm doing it for you, sir.
- Half hour, tops.
Happy anniversary.
- No doubt about it.
- This is a perfect day.
My shoulder's sore from
being yanked into classrooms,
but besides that, perfect.
That's just a coming
attraction of what's in store
if you can get out
of work Friday night.
Not a problem. My dad
just gave me the night off.
Good. Because this preview
is rated "X."
No one under 18 admitted.
Oh, my God.
I'm like, totally late for my
varsity remedial tutorial.
Those jocks flunk English,
and there's no football game
for us to get together after.
Can't those guys find
another gorgeous blonde
to tutor them?
They could, but then I
wouldn't get to see
that adorable little jealous
pout you're making.
- Mental note.
- Remember the pout thing.
Maybe I'm going to get
pulled into every
class I walk past.
Park, you're my best friend
and I gotta share something
with you.
- Share away.
- I met her.
Who?
- Her!
- Oh...
Who?
Only the solution to our
double-dating dilemma.
Only the reason why I was put
on this earth. Her!
You met a girl?
The girl of my dreams!
Oh Mikey, you meet the girl
of your dreams every week.
I knew you were gonna say that.
Park, best friend
to best friend,
this is the one!
At last! You finally did it!
This is too cool!
Parker Lewis, best friend,
I want you to meet Stacy...
Schneider.
Oh no.
You two know each other?
Dear Parker, I'm sorry
I left without saying goodbye.
It seems to be a
pattern with me.
I know I'm your first girl,
maybe your first love,
after all, you are mine.
You were the first guy
I trusted enough to ever let
touch my...
- Park!
- Heart.
Park, you two know each other?
Yeah, from camp.
We know each other from camp.
About two years ago.
Seems like yesterday.
Oh, this is great!
Now I don't have to worry
about that uncomfortable
will she get along with my
best friend thing.
Miss Annie Sloan.
May I introduce to you Miss...
Stacy Schneider.
- Military brat.
- 12 schools in eight years.
And the coolest girl
in the world.
Heard it through the grapevine.
Mikey.
- So I bragged a little.
- Is that so wrong?
Hey, why don't you guys come
to the game with Parker and me
on Friday?
- Wait a minute, hold on.
- Am I experiencing double-dating euphoria?
Is that okay with you, Parker?
No, it's not okay.
This girl destroyed me.
There's no way I'm going
to that game with Stacy.
I'm there.
You okay?
Yeah, just a bad day.
- I promise I'll make it better.
- Gotta go.
Sir, remember that paper
I so generously offered
to do for you?
- No can do.
- Mea culpa, lo siento.
Kohler's got me on
round the clock diner
commercial spot production.
Good news for me,
bad news for you.
Except for that joy by
association thing.
There are bad days
and there are really bad days.
But there's no way this day
could get any worse.
Parker.
I've gotta stop
setting myself up like this.
You didn't tell Mikey
about us, did you?
Is that how you say hello?
No, I didn't tell him.
I wrote you a million letters.
Don't be mad at me.
You look great.
So do you.
What you did to me
was really uncool.
- Don't you think I cared?
- Don't you think I still...
How are things
with your girlfriend?
I love my girlfriend.
Mikey loves his girlfriend too.
Just don't do to him
what you did to me.
Lewis!
Lewis.
Don't tell me, Ms Musso.
Upon careful reconsideration,
you're downgrading my previous
upgrade.
You can't give me an "A."
- How did you know?
- I'm on a roll.
- "B"?
- No...
- "C"?
- Minus.
- Thank you, Ms Musso.
- Thank you, thank you.
And this is Paul McCartney
saying once again,
when Linda and I
and our wee brats
are in Santo Domingo,
we always stop
by the Atlas Diner
where the food is fab
and the service is gay.
Whoo!
Paul McCartney? Who cares?
Try again, kid.
Hmm. Best friends.
I guess it means being there
for each other.
Like Mikey was there for me
when I came home from camp
and cried for
two days straight
because Stacy left me.
I've got to tell him before
she gets the chance
to do it to him.
It's what best friends do.
Park, man, glad you're here.
Hey, pull up a chair
and listen to this.
It's for Stacy.
It's pretty major, huh?
Yeah, I can totally relate.
Listen, Mikey, I really
need to talk to you.
About Stacy.
Are you sure she's a...
I mean, she's probably...
Are you sure about this?
I know what you're
trying to say, Park.
Maybe I'm gonna dodge
a bullet here after all!
You're trying to say...
Mikey, don't take
a nice girl like Stacy
and break her heart.
I know how much you care.
That's why you're
my best friend.
- Stacy was really bad news.
- She dumped me and I never heard from her again.
- That's what she does to guys.
- She kills them.
I think Mikey's in danger.
And I just felt that it was
important for you to know
the truth about Stacy and me.
That's so sweet.
- Huh?
- -That whole summer camp puppy love thing.
I can just see you now, so cute.
Cute?
Oh Parker, I'm fine with Stacy.
I know you don't have any
feelings for her anymore.
Uh...
Kind of reminds me of Carl.
Carl?
The first guy I ever
let touch my...
Hey, Annie!
- - heart.
- Almost forgot, time to tute Santo Domingo's finest.
- Great.
- I bare my soul, get it off my chest, and what do I get?
Visions of Carl
and his hungry hands.
- But look on the bright side.
- At least I'm not the jealous type.
Oh, Carl!
Carl?
So once again, this is Catwoman,
Michelle Pfeiffer saying,
whenever I drop in
on Santo Domingo,
I always land on my feet,
and head to Atlas Diner
where the food is fabulous,
and the service is purr-fect.
Michelle Pfeiffer?
She's skin and bones!
And those lips. Yuck!
Try, try again, Steiner.
I'm really catching the wave.
- Oh, Randall!
- Join the team spirit, the school comradery!
Catch the wave. Or else!
- Look at them.
- This is death by inches.
- Remembering what Stacy did to me.
- Knowing what she's gonna do to Mikey!
I'm absolutely totally
dejected and miserable.
- Hi, Annie!
- Hi, guys!
Come on, Stacy, I'll introduce
you to the team.
Park, what's the area code
for heaven?
- Poor guy.
- He's not even aware he's being set up for the kill!
I've got to save him.
And it's going to take
all my powers of subtlety,
understatement, and tact.
I was in love with Stacy,
and she ate me alive.
Huh?
Burned me to a crisp.
Oh, this is a comedy moment,
right?
Mikey, listen to me.
Remember a couple years ago,
when I met a girl at camp
and I went completely
love stupid over her?
And then she split on me?
Dumped me?
Well, I'm afraid that's gonna
happen to you.
Why?
I didn't want to tell
you this, but that girl...
Was Stacy.
Schneider?
And you couldn't keep it
to yourself?
Parker, I...
You...
Aw, thanks a lot!
What's the matter with Mikey?
You told him.
You had to ruin everything!
Parker, I...
You...
Thanks a lot!
You told them, didn't you?
Sort of.
You still have feelings
for her, don't you?
Parker, I...
You...
Thanks a lot!
Oh man, I've
really done it this time.
Mikey hasn't been
this mad at me since
I had to be the one
to tell him Martha Quinn
was leaving MTV.
Order up!
Here he comes with my
turkey burger.
That's gotta be some
kind of gesture, right?
So all I've got to do is
apologize,
and we can go back to
being best friends.
Mikey, I...
What are you so pissed about?
For starters, that whole
Martha Quinn MTV thing.
This is going to be a
little tougher than I thought.
Let me tell you something,
you morons.
This is Howard Stern saying
for a great meal,
and waitresses with big
, go to
the Atlas Diner.
Good night, and
I'm not sure I can put
my finger on it, but...
Something about it
just isn't right.
Hi Mikey, it's Stacy.
Sorry I left
without saying goodbye...
Stacy?
You're here to mess
with my music, too?
Mikey...
You know the story.
I was crazy about her.
And she left without
saying goodbye.
I was just trying to save you
from getting hurt.
So why didn't you tell me
when I could have done
something about it?
I didn't want you to get mad.
Well, why tell me at all?
Well, let me get this straight.
I should have told you earlier,
and I shouldn't have told you.
Exactly!
Glad we're clear on the issue.
Ah, hey.
Man, when it comes to love,
there's a lot of grey area.
Tell me something.
Anything!
When you kissed Stacy,
did she ever make this little,
uh, purring noise?
Like a cat?
Did she ever call
you honey bunny?
Uh...
Damnit!
Hey, take it easy, man.
We're talking ancient
history here.
No, we're talking
current events.
She split on me,
just like she split on you.
Ouch.
Only I didn't get a note.
I got a message on
my answering machine.
That's what I call progress.
The finest foods,
the tastiest drinks,
the most exquisite desserts.
Here you go.
And finally, I want all good
people to know,
I'm not just the owner
of Atlas Diner,
I'm also a client.
Kid, I don't know what you did,
but you found
that magic ingredient.
I'm not mad at you, I'm just...
I'm mad at the whole situation.
It's not right, leaving
and not saying goodbye.
Twice!
Well then consider this a hello.
Stacy!
Hi, Parker.
I couldn't pull another
Stacy Schneider on you, Mikey.
What is your problem?
I don't know.
It's what I do, I guess.
My dad gets transferred,
and wham! New city.
New school, new friends.
Connect right away, and then...
When I leave, I burn my bridges.
So why are you here?
To break the chain, Mikey.
To actually say goodbye.
I don't know what it is,
but something about you
is different than anyone else
I've ever been involved with.
Excuse me.
Don't you have something
you want to say to me?
You're a good guy, too, Parker.
So do you think we can
at least write?
I guess so.
Good.
Then consider this
conversation my first letter.
Now you owe me one.
Excuse me, I'm here!
I'll never forget you, Mikey.
Bye, Park.
Two guys, one girl.
It's a situation that can tear
good friends apart.
But Mikey and I
aren't good friends,
we're best friends.
The kind of friends that
can not only outlast a girl,
but I think can outlast time.
Something about you is different
from anyone else
I've ever been involved with.
Ooh.
Aw, some guys got it,
some guys don't.
Mr. Lewis? Mr. Randall?
Mr. Phillips? Hello?
has overslept.
Can you take over?
Mikey! Dude,
Slash has a hangnail.
Can you sit in?
Kube, the Kiwanis Club
was a no-show.
What the heck am I gonna do
with 150 pizzas?
- Parker, I can't reach.
- Would you unzip me?
Hello?
Hi, honey. Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.
We're going to
celebrate every day this week.
But we're really going
to celebrate Friday
after the game.
Oh no.
I can't make it.
I'm totally behind on my
mythology paper,
I've gotta fix my car,
I've gotta help my parents
in the store...
Plus I've got to kill Shelly
just on general principle.
Poor sweetie.
What would it take
to put you in a good mood?
Nothing within the
known universe.
Breakfast in bed!
Annie, I'll call you back.
The known universe
is about to collapse.
Parker, I haven't been very
nice to you the past 15 years.
And this being your anniversary
and there being extra food
I made you breakfast.
Now we're even.
Wow.
Enjoy!
Oh, and Dad said he did
the Mondo Video inventory,
so you've got Friday night off.
Coolness!
Larry, what is the sound
of one man chewing?
Kube not know.
Atlas Diner at high noon,
and nobody's here!
I need to shake things up!
Get butts in those booths!
Customers at the counter!
This is a mean
appetite-satisfying machine!
I need to remind people of that.
Why not try a TV commercial?
They always make
Kube want to eat.
Then again, stiff wind make
Kube want to eat.
General breeze make
Kube want to eat.
Motionless air make
Kube want to eat.
Steiner!
You good with that thing?
You the kind of filmmaker who
can take chances?
I filmed my cousin
Harold's circumcision.
Welcome to big time, kid.
I'm hiring you to make a
commercial for Atlas Diner.
Today, Atlas. Tomorrow, Nike.
Hold that thought.
- This is perfect.
- I want you to meet my best friend.
Lewis!
There's been a computer error.
I'm upgrading that "C" you got
in Mr. Fine's class to an "A."
Sorry about the inconvenience.
Oh, and happy anniversary.
This is the kind of
luck streak where
you don't ask why.
You just roll with it.
Maybe Parker Lewis
can't lose after all!
Mr. Lewis? You know that paper
in mythology hanging
over your head,
like the sword of Damocles,
making it impossible for you
to see Annie
because it will take
30 hours to finish?
- I'm doing it for you, sir.
- Half hour, tops.
Happy anniversary.
- No doubt about it.
- This is a perfect day.
My shoulder's sore from
being yanked into classrooms,
but besides that, perfect.
That's just a coming
attraction of what's in store
if you can get out
of work Friday night.
Not a problem. My dad
just gave me the night off.
Good. Because this preview
is rated "X."
No one under 18 admitted.
Oh, my God.
I'm like, totally late for my
varsity remedial tutorial.
Those jocks flunk English,
and there's no football game
for us to get together after.
Can't those guys find
another gorgeous blonde
to tutor them?
They could, but then I
wouldn't get to see
that adorable little jealous
pout you're making.
- Mental note.
- Remember the pout thing.
Maybe I'm going to get
pulled into every
class I walk past.
Park, you're my best friend
and I gotta share something
with you.
- Share away.
- I met her.
Who?
- Her!
- Oh...
Who?
Only the solution to our
double-dating dilemma.
Only the reason why I was put
on this earth. Her!
You met a girl?
The girl of my dreams!
Oh Mikey, you meet the girl
of your dreams every week.
I knew you were gonna say that.
Park, best friend
to best friend,
this is the one!
At last! You finally did it!
This is too cool!
Parker Lewis, best friend,
I want you to meet Stacy...
Schneider.
Oh no.
You two know each other?
Dear Parker, I'm sorry
I left without saying goodbye.
It seems to be a
pattern with me.
I know I'm your first girl,
maybe your first love,
after all, you are mine.
You were the first guy
I trusted enough to ever let
touch my...
- Park!
- Heart.
Park, you two know each other?
Yeah, from camp.
We know each other from camp.
About two years ago.
Seems like yesterday.
Oh, this is great!
Now I don't have to worry
about that uncomfortable
will she get along with my
best friend thing.
Miss Annie Sloan.
May I introduce to you Miss...
Stacy Schneider.
- Military brat.
- 12 schools in eight years.
And the coolest girl
in the world.
Heard it through the grapevine.
Mikey.
- So I bragged a little.
- Is that so wrong?
Hey, why don't you guys come
to the game with Parker and me
on Friday?
- Wait a minute, hold on.
- Am I experiencing double-dating euphoria?
Is that okay with you, Parker?
No, it's not okay.
This girl destroyed me.
There's no way I'm going
to that game with Stacy.
I'm there.
You okay?
Yeah, just a bad day.
- I promise I'll make it better.
- Gotta go.
Sir, remember that paper
I so generously offered
to do for you?
- No can do.
- Mea culpa, lo siento.
Kohler's got me on
round the clock diner
commercial spot production.
Good news for me,
bad news for you.
Except for that joy by
association thing.
There are bad days
and there are really bad days.
But there's no way this day
could get any worse.
Parker.
I've gotta stop
setting myself up like this.
You didn't tell Mikey
about us, did you?
Is that how you say hello?
No, I didn't tell him.
I wrote you a million letters.
Don't be mad at me.
You look great.
So do you.
What you did to me
was really uncool.
- Don't you think I cared?
- Don't you think I still...
How are things
with your girlfriend?
I love my girlfriend.
Mikey loves his girlfriend too.
Just don't do to him
what you did to me.
Lewis!
Lewis.
Don't tell me, Ms Musso.
Upon careful reconsideration,
you're downgrading my previous
upgrade.
You can't give me an "A."
- How did you know?
- I'm on a roll.
- "B"?
- No...
- "C"?
- Minus.
- Thank you, Ms Musso.
- Thank you, thank you.
And this is Paul McCartney
saying once again,
when Linda and I
and our wee brats
are in Santo Domingo,
we always stop
by the Atlas Diner
where the food is fab
and the service is gay.
Whoo!
Paul McCartney? Who cares?
Try again, kid.
Hmm. Best friends.
I guess it means being there
for each other.
Like Mikey was there for me
when I came home from camp
and cried for
two days straight
because Stacy left me.
I've got to tell him before
she gets the chance
to do it to him.
It's what best friends do.
Park, man, glad you're here.
Hey, pull up a chair
and listen to this.
It's for Stacy.
It's pretty major, huh?
Yeah, I can totally relate.
Listen, Mikey, I really
need to talk to you.
About Stacy.
Are you sure she's a...
I mean, she's probably...
Are you sure about this?
I know what you're
trying to say, Park.
Maybe I'm gonna dodge
a bullet here after all!
You're trying to say...
Mikey, don't take
a nice girl like Stacy
and break her heart.
I know how much you care.
That's why you're
my best friend.
- Stacy was really bad news.
- She dumped me and I never heard from her again.
- That's what she does to guys.
- She kills them.
I think Mikey's in danger.
And I just felt that it was
important for you to know
the truth about Stacy and me.
That's so sweet.
- Huh?
- -That whole summer camp puppy love thing.
I can just see you now, so cute.
Cute?
Oh Parker, I'm fine with Stacy.
I know you don't have any
feelings for her anymore.
Uh...
Kind of reminds me of Carl.
Carl?
The first guy I ever
let touch my...
Hey, Annie!
- - heart.
- Almost forgot, time to tute Santo Domingo's finest.
- Great.
- I bare my soul, get it off my chest, and what do I get?
Visions of Carl
and his hungry hands.
- But look on the bright side.
- At least I'm not the jealous type.
Oh, Carl!
Carl?
So once again, this is Catwoman,
Michelle Pfeiffer saying,
whenever I drop in
on Santo Domingo,
I always land on my feet,
and head to Atlas Diner
where the food is fabulous,
and the service is purr-fect.
Michelle Pfeiffer?
She's skin and bones!
And those lips. Yuck!
Try, try again, Steiner.
I'm really catching the wave.
- Oh, Randall!
- Join the team spirit, the school comradery!
Catch the wave. Or else!
- Look at them.
- This is death by inches.
- Remembering what Stacy did to me.
- Knowing what she's gonna do to Mikey!
I'm absolutely totally
dejected and miserable.
- Hi, Annie!
- Hi, guys!
Come on, Stacy, I'll introduce
you to the team.
Park, what's the area code
for heaven?
- Poor guy.
- He's not even aware he's being set up for the kill!
I've got to save him.
And it's going to take
all my powers of subtlety,
understatement, and tact.
I was in love with Stacy,
and she ate me alive.
Huh?
Burned me to a crisp.
Oh, this is a comedy moment,
right?
Mikey, listen to me.
Remember a couple years ago,
when I met a girl at camp
and I went completely
love stupid over her?
And then she split on me?
Dumped me?
Well, I'm afraid that's gonna
happen to you.
Why?
I didn't want to tell
you this, but that girl...
Was Stacy.
Schneider?
And you couldn't keep it
to yourself?
Parker, I...
You...
Aw, thanks a lot!
What's the matter with Mikey?
You told him.
You had to ruin everything!
Parker, I...
You...
Thanks a lot!
You told them, didn't you?
Sort of.
You still have feelings
for her, don't you?
Parker, I...
You...
Thanks a lot!
Oh man, I've
really done it this time.
Mikey hasn't been
this mad at me since
I had to be the one
to tell him Martha Quinn
was leaving MTV.
Order up!
Here he comes with my
turkey burger.
That's gotta be some
kind of gesture, right?
So all I've got to do is
apologize,
and we can go back to
being best friends.
Mikey, I...
What are you so pissed about?
For starters, that whole
Martha Quinn MTV thing.
This is going to be a
little tougher than I thought.
Let me tell you something,
you morons.
This is Howard Stern saying
for a great meal,
and waitresses with big
, go to
the Atlas Diner.
Good night, and
I'm not sure I can put
my finger on it, but...
Something about it
just isn't right.
Hi Mikey, it's Stacy.
Sorry I left
without saying goodbye...
Stacy?
You're here to mess
with my music, too?
Mikey...
You know the story.
I was crazy about her.
And she left without
saying goodbye.
I was just trying to save you
from getting hurt.
So why didn't you tell me
when I could have done
something about it?
I didn't want you to get mad.
Well, why tell me at all?
Well, let me get this straight.
I should have told you earlier,
and I shouldn't have told you.
Exactly!
Glad we're clear on the issue.
Ah, hey.
Man, when it comes to love,
there's a lot of grey area.
Tell me something.
Anything!
When you kissed Stacy,
did she ever make this little,
uh, purring noise?
Like a cat?
Did she ever call
you honey bunny?
Uh...
Damnit!
Hey, take it easy, man.
We're talking ancient
history here.
No, we're talking
current events.
She split on me,
just like she split on you.
Ouch.
Only I didn't get a note.
I got a message on
my answering machine.
That's what I call progress.
The finest foods,
the tastiest drinks,
the most exquisite desserts.
Here you go.
And finally, I want all good
people to know,
I'm not just the owner
of Atlas Diner,
I'm also a client.
Kid, I don't know what you did,
but you found
that magic ingredient.
I'm not mad at you, I'm just...
I'm mad at the whole situation.
It's not right, leaving
and not saying goodbye.
Twice!
Well then consider this a hello.
Stacy!
Hi, Parker.
I couldn't pull another
Stacy Schneider on you, Mikey.
What is your problem?
I don't know.
It's what I do, I guess.
My dad gets transferred,
and wham! New city.
New school, new friends.
Connect right away, and then...
When I leave, I burn my bridges.
So why are you here?
To break the chain, Mikey.
To actually say goodbye.
I don't know what it is,
but something about you
is different than anyone else
I've ever been involved with.
Excuse me.
Don't you have something
you want to say to me?
You're a good guy, too, Parker.
So do you think we can
at least write?
I guess so.
Good.
Then consider this
conversation my first letter.
Now you owe me one.
Excuse me, I'm here!
I'll never forget you, Mikey.
Bye, Park.
Two guys, one girl.
It's a situation that can tear
good friends apart.
But Mikey and I
aren't good friends,
we're best friends.
The kind of friends that
can not only outlast a girl,
but I think can outlast time.
Something about you is different
from anyone else
I've ever been involved with.
Ooh.
Aw, some guys got it,
some guys don't.
Mr. Lewis? Mr. Randall?
Mr. Phillips? Hello?