Parker Lewis Can't Lose (1990–1993): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Parker Chronicles - full transcript
Parker leads a hectic life and to help him keep track of things he keeps an audio diary in the form of a miniature tape recorder. Suddenly Parker finds his beloved diary is missing along with all of the juicy contents that are recorded on it. The thief leaves a cryptic video recording to Parker warning that at a ceremony to celebrate Kube the contents of the diary will be broadcast to the whole school. Panic ensues as Parker's reputation is on the line along with his life if anything about the school's don "Donald 'the Don' Yemano" are revealed. Everything culminates as Parker and the crew find their selves caught between a rock and a hard place in front of the whole school.
- Parker Lewis voice diary.
- Morning entry.
Just another day
at Santo Domingo High.
- Or is it?
- I think this bears a closer look.
10:12 a.m.
Buzzing by Melinda Harris,
richest girl in school.
Good thing, too.
I know for a fact
her father keeps
a dermatologist on retainer.
- 10:13 a.m.
- Random subject.
- Mr.
- Mackleberry, a teacher immersed in the three R's.
Reading, writing and chocolate.
- 10:14.
- Don "the Don" Yemano.
Santo Domingo's
resident godfather.
Some kids say his reputation
is overrated.
But I'd say it's well deserved.
Grace Musso, resident dictator.
- Why is she so happy?
- Rumor has it that on her 1,357th blind date,
she might have
finally achieved linkage.
Good one, sir.
Times like these
make me happy
I'm keeping a diary.
To remember the little things,
the sweet things.
The life-threatening things.
I think that was meant for me.
Mmm. Cherry.
Yummy.
I spent the entire night
in your locker,
just so I could cream you.
And I missed.
Darth's sister has once again
started a war
she can't possibly win.
Retaliatory Jell-O strike
to come.
- Attention, Flamingos.
- Stand by for Musso.
- Oops, time for the morning report.
- I'll check in later.
What Shelly Lewis
doesn't know is,
Parker has planned
a little response
to the pie incident.
Huh?
And that's it for
tonight's video victim.
Greetings, Flamingos.
Last weekend, our very own
Frank Lemmer was voted
most likely to be killed
by his own tent mates
at Soldier of Fortune
sleepaway camp.
- Congratulations, Frank.
- We're very proud of you.
Friday marks
the 10th anniversary
of Larry Kubiac's attendance
at Santo Domingo High School.
Kube! Kube! Kube!
Like me?
Ten years
of meritorious service
will be commemorated
with a Kubo-spective ceremony,
during which time
a sandwich will be named
for Santo Domingo's very own
Francis Lawrence Kubiac
In other news...
Great week for the Kube, huh?
Yeah, I heard his parents
finally got him to stop
drinking out of the toilet.
Mr. Lewis, Mr. Randall.
I have some potentially
very useful information.
I tapped into the air checks,
sirs.
Frank, do you know
what it's like to be in love?
Yes.
I had a blazingly successful
blind date, Frank.
He's a firmly incomed doctor
with hands so large,
they made me gasp.
They say true love
only comes around once.
Thank god mine came
wearing a stethoscope.
I gotta memorialize
this one on tape.
Uh-oh. Maybe it's here.
Or here.
Or here.
Or... Where?
- Oh, my God.
- I've lost my secret diary.
- Time to go on turbo search.
- Chill out, Park.
- Hmm.
- Maybe it's on the stairs.
Maybe not.
Mankind's greatest catastrophes,
the sinking of Atlantis,
the San Francisco earthquake,
the cancellation
of thirtysomething,
and now,
the loss of my diary.
I'm Jell-O mold.
Hand it over.
When
my property disappears,
it can only be in one place.
The Shelly Zone.
- Parker, you're upset.
- You're angry.
I like this.
- You took it.
- I want it.
If you
don't give it to me now,
I'm gonna tell Mom about...
- Okay, okay.
- Baby pictures, Valentine's day boxer shorts,
and here's the directions
to Donna Sue's
parents' cabin...
If Shelly's willing
to hand over
all this dangerous contraband,
it can only mean one thing.
She doesn't have my diary.
It was back in the days
before Velcro.
Before CDs.
Before Ernest Goes to Camp.
- Reagan was just beginning his first term...
- -Who?
- Ronald Reagan.
President before Bush?
-Who?
- Forget it.
- Anyway, Fleetwood Mac had just broken up...
Who?
Okay, it's gotta be
in here somewhere.
Lobster, wind-up penguin,
nose glasses,
student store price scanner.
Hey, Jer, did you hear about
Stacy Snieder's tattoo?
- Ladybug, sir.
- Yeah.
Who can we tell?
Sure, these are just
the kind of guys
who can keep a secret.
Time to take drastic action.
- Gentlemen, I'm convening an emergency bud council.
- Diner, corner booth, 3:30 p.
Mmm. Tootsie rolls.
- Chewy.
- Yet, interesting.
Ms. Musso?
What is it?
Dr. Carroll on line 2 for you.
Hello, Doctor.
No, Mr. Thellzone,
I do not know
when the fetal pig shipment
is coming in.
Hello, Doctor.
Hello, Grace.
I just wanted to tell you
what a lovely time I had
the other night.
Oh, me too, Doctor.
I was wondering if you could
make any free time for me
this week in your busy schedule.
Oh, well, I'm terribly busy,
but oh, let me see.
How about today, Doctor?
- Ah, the people of Atlas Diner.
- Each one of them is a walking fountain
of personal secrets
and inner thoughts.
Private hopes,
dreams and reflections.
But the difference
between me and them is,
- I had to go and put mine on tape.
- Way to go, Parker.
But nothing says truth
has to be the first item
on the menu.
Think I'll sit
in the big booth
and do the Big Stall.
What do you guys think
of this shirt on me?
You know, there's a sale
down at the mall.
- I need socks, a shirt, new belt, some shoes.
- How about a hat?
Oh, yeah. And I think I'll get
some turtlenecks. Heh.
Is my hair okay?
Park, this is only
a half-hour show, man.
Look, I've known you since
before the Kubiac era
and all you're doing
is the Big Stall.
Oops, I'm busted.
And sir, I've known you since
the 4th season
of The Cosby Show,
and this is the first time
you haven't been entirely
forthcoming with us
when you are down.
Guys, you're my best buds and...
Well?
I... Jerry, is that
a new coat?
Tell them!
Guys, I called
this council because...
My diary's gone.
This is seriousness.
You said a lot of stuff
about a lot of people.
Melinda Harris, Mrs. Shemley,
Ms. Musso, Mr. Kubiac,
Mr. Lemmer, Donna Sue Horton,
Conrad Fleck, Mr. Louie,
Mr. Mackleberry, Mr. Spindle,
Badge, Brian Popko,
Eileen Larson,
and not to mention,
Madonna's new boy toy, Gerardo.
This can make a lot of people
very angry.
Perhaps an application to
the Witness Protection Program
might be of help, sir.
This is the absolute
lowest point in my career
as a teenager.
Park, when we first set up
the buds, way back
in the late 80s,
we pledged to help each other
to support each other
and to pull each other
out of the dumper
when things got rough.
If you've said something
about someone,
then we've said it, too.
Word to yo mother.
He's in his Vanilla Ice phase.
- It's as basic as 3-chord rock n' roll.
- We're here for you.
There's one other thing
I have to tell you.
You guys are like,
all over this diary.
You talked about us
in your journal?
Big time.
And right now it's
in somebody else's
hands?
It looks that way.
Maybe this'll be okay after all.
Maybe not.
Grace, don't think of me
as just another
large glove size,
but rather, someone
you want to have fun with.
Oh, I'd be a liar if I didn't
mention that fun is not
all I'm here for.
What do you mean, Grace?
Well, I'm all for spontaneity.
But a single, successful woman
who has just recently reached
her mid-30s
needs to know
that your intentions are...
Honorable.
Grace, I give you
my Hippocratic oath.
Oh, good.
Toward that end,
I'd like you to fill out
this little questionnaire.
Personal references,
bank account balances,
to see if you're
as firmly incomed
as you purport to be.
I'm not following, Grace.
You're a professional, Doctor.
So am I.-
Mikey, Jerry,
you're my best buds
and I feel I let you down.
I gotta tell you,
this feels worse
than when Shelly was born.
Anyway, it wasn't my fault
that my diary got stolen.
I'm sure that if you have time
to think it over,
- you'll understand and say...
- Not a problem.
Perhaps we overreacted, sir.
- Yeah.
- Somebody stole your secrets, then they stole our secrets, too.
What exactly are
our secrets, sir?
So we'll recognize them when
we hear them.
Guys, I have to tell you,
I love the fact
that you're here,
but I have torn this whole
school apart looking
for my diary.
And every time, I come up zilch.
- Hello, boys.
- I believe I've got something you want.
Don't try and trace
this transmission.
I won't be on long enough.
Talk about
your reality television.
Tomorrow at
the Kubiac sandwich naming
ceremony
when the entire student body
is assembled,
I'm going to play
your little diary
to the whole school.
And, this is the best part,
there's no way
you can stop me.
Jerry, run it back to the end.
- Now freeze it!
- Zoom in.
A ponytail.
- Oh.
- My.
God.
Lemmer!
You know, if this
were happening
to anyone else,
I'd be enjoying it.
Don, I've got some information
that might be a bummer.
- Out with it.
- The Don likes to hear bad news immediately.
Lights off!
Word in the hallway
is my brother, uh,
Parker Lewis' private diary
is going to be read
at the Kubo-spective
on Friday.
It may contain material
potentially injurious
to a man in your position.
And who has this diary?
Diary reclamation plan A.
Sensitive, high-level
negotiations
with Frank Lemmer.
The Flamingo articles in
negotiation
state that any arbitration
in these quarters will be
- solemn and binding.
- Sirs, you may begin.
Frank Lemmer.
In that we have
proof positive
you stole private property
from one of the buds,
namely Parker,
we felt justified
in liberating a few
of your personal possessions
so that we might offer them
in exchange.
Do your worst.
Okay, Frank.
Your 10-year collection
of Soldier of Fortune
magazines.
Including
the Schwarzkopf
centerfold.
You'll have
to do better than that.
- Your prize surveillance photo of Ms.
- Musso skinnydipping in Hawaii.
I still have the negative.
- Okay, Frank.
- We didn't want to have to do this.
But...
You've got Cathy!
Hand over the diary,
or your piranha
sleeps with the humans.
Cathy...
What's it going to be?
Okay, Lewis.
You can have back
your stupid little diary.
Yes!
There he is!
- We need to talk.
- Now.
Lewis.
You set me up.
No.
The Don does not like
having his time wasted.
- Come on, guys.
- Hey, put me down.
- Let's talk trade.
- How about a closet full of crazy shirts?
- You listen.
- Listen to a public recital of the secret diary
from Parker Lloyd Lewis
at Kubiac's ceremony.
Lloyd?
It was second semester
of my sophomore year.
- You should have seen me then.
- A lithe, slim and trim 260 pounds.
I've been on hold
for two minutes.
What do you mean,
he's still in surgery?
Oh, don't tell me
about life and death, nursey.
I am a single woman
in my late 30s.
- Come, Lawrence.
- A school awaits.
Mmm.
- Everybody, welcome.
- Gather round for the Kubo-spective ceremony.
Count down to disaster.
A public reading of my secrets
during, of all things,
the Kubo-spective ceremony.
The many faces of
Francis Lawrence Kubiac III.
More than just
the history of a man,
the history of take-out.
Lois, have you seen Frank?
Uh-huh.
- Oh, listen, if a Dr.
- Carroll calls, put him through instantly.
- Did you hear me?
- Instantly!
- Come, Larry.
- This way.
So when you hear
my brother's diary,
you're going to be like
dangerously angry, right?
For me, angry is a good mood.
Oh, I thank you for this day.
So, here I come,
walking into
my worst nightmare.
My inner-most thoughts
revealed in public.
Every student will laugh at me.
My buds will hate me.
It's time to think transfer.
Park, whatever you said
about me in your diary,
I can handle it.
As long as you didn't talk
about that night
in Andy Kaplan's garage.
You didn't mention
my Jetson underwear,
did you, sir?
Or my retainer?
Or how picky I am
about certain foods?
- Or this things I have for Steve Sax?
- Or...
Oh.
Rogue transmission
coming our way
- in 20, 19...
- And now, Ms. Musso.
Muss, Muss, Muss...
Oh, silence!
We are here today
to honor Larry Kubiac.
He is a boy... Was a boy...
Is a young man... Is a man...
Is a big guy,
who brings new definition
to the term
"staying power."
10... 9... 8...
And so our cafeteria
has named a sandwich
in honor of Larry.
Presenting, The Big Kube.
Pizza and French fries
on a sourdough bun.
I'd like to thank
all the little people...
3... 2... 1...
Parker Lewis' voice diary,
Thursday. 2:15.
- Dear diary, I noticed Donna Sue wrote our names on her notebook.
- Coolness.
And, I finally unscrambled
the secret code to Musso's
answering machine.
It's 3:10 a.m.
and I'm watching
my sister sleep.
Lying there crumpled up
with all her dolls
and stuffed animals.
It's a wonder
we don't get along
better than we do.
But then, how can anyone
get along with someone
who has a massive crush on
Don Yemano?
9:30 p.m.
Jerry just called me
to remind me
to bring 4 number 2 pencils
to tomorrow's
achievement test.
Mental note, time to have
a little talk with Jerry.
Sometimes, I get impatient
with the little guy's
compulsive reminders.
Maybe it's time
to find a way to say thank you
to my fellow bud.
11:30. Waiting for Nightline
to come on.
Just talked to Mikey.
He said he was going
to sit in with
the Roadhouse Band.
I told him maybe it wasn't
such a good idea, 'cause
every time he does this,
he's a wreck the next day.
We got into, like,
this huge fight.
And he told me
I'm not his old man.
He's right.
I'm not his old man.
Just his friend.
That's why
I don't want to see
anything bad happen to him.
'Cause a friend like Mikey
only comes around
once in a lifetime.
Special obedience helper
Frank Lemmer here.
I'd like you all to pay
very special attention
to the coup de grace.
- One Parker Lewis, soon to be former student, speaking about our own beloved Ms.
- Musso.
5:45 a.m. Monday morning.
Surveillance camera shows
Ms. Musso arriving at school.
Why, you ask,
does she get here so early?
She tells everyone
it's to prepare
for the week's studies.
Our evidence shows
it's really because...
Frank!
Uh...
This concludes
today's broadcast.
There was a time before
Domino's Pizza home delivery,
before microwave popcorn,
before the great
fajita crossover.
It was back in the days
before Mark Goodman
on MTV,
before the Fox Network...
Musso's on
DEFCON nuclear
approach.
Only a miracle
could save me now.
Grace.
I need to speak to you.
The miracle of modern medicine.
- Forget it, Doctor.
- I'm sorry I gave you that questionnaire.
- It's okay.
- Say what you have to say.
I'm used to it by now.
Dinner and a movie?
I do.
I mean, yes.
- Excellent, sir.
- Yeah, Park. Why were you
so afraid
of having us hear your diary
if all you said
were good things?
Guys, whoever knew
that spilling your guts
could be so cool?
- Friends.
- Normally, you put them on cruise control,
then something happens
to make you thankful
for the friends you've got.
That's what happened today
when my diary was read
to the entire student body.
I discovered my friends
felt as strongly about me
as I do for them.
- Oh, well.
- Sometimes, I think I worry too much.
Shelly, it's time to get up!
Parker!
Mr. Lewis? Mr. Randall?
Mr. Phillips? Hello?
- Morning entry.
Just another day
at Santo Domingo High.
- Or is it?
- I think this bears a closer look.
10:12 a.m.
Buzzing by Melinda Harris,
richest girl in school.
Good thing, too.
I know for a fact
her father keeps
a dermatologist on retainer.
- 10:13 a.m.
- Random subject.
- Mr.
- Mackleberry, a teacher immersed in the three R's.
Reading, writing and chocolate.
- 10:14.
- Don "the Don" Yemano.
Santo Domingo's
resident godfather.
Some kids say his reputation
is overrated.
But I'd say it's well deserved.
Grace Musso, resident dictator.
- Why is she so happy?
- Rumor has it that on her 1,357th blind date,
she might have
finally achieved linkage.
Good one, sir.
Times like these
make me happy
I'm keeping a diary.
To remember the little things,
the sweet things.
The life-threatening things.
I think that was meant for me.
Mmm. Cherry.
Yummy.
I spent the entire night
in your locker,
just so I could cream you.
And I missed.
Darth's sister has once again
started a war
she can't possibly win.
Retaliatory Jell-O strike
to come.
- Attention, Flamingos.
- Stand by for Musso.
- Oops, time for the morning report.
- I'll check in later.
What Shelly Lewis
doesn't know is,
Parker has planned
a little response
to the pie incident.
Huh?
And that's it for
tonight's video victim.
Greetings, Flamingos.
Last weekend, our very own
Frank Lemmer was voted
most likely to be killed
by his own tent mates
at Soldier of Fortune
sleepaway camp.
- Congratulations, Frank.
- We're very proud of you.
Friday marks
the 10th anniversary
of Larry Kubiac's attendance
at Santo Domingo High School.
Kube! Kube! Kube!
Like me?
Ten years
of meritorious service
will be commemorated
with a Kubo-spective ceremony,
during which time
a sandwich will be named
for Santo Domingo's very own
Francis Lawrence Kubiac
In other news...
Great week for the Kube, huh?
Yeah, I heard his parents
finally got him to stop
drinking out of the toilet.
Mr. Lewis, Mr. Randall.
I have some potentially
very useful information.
I tapped into the air checks,
sirs.
Frank, do you know
what it's like to be in love?
Yes.
I had a blazingly successful
blind date, Frank.
He's a firmly incomed doctor
with hands so large,
they made me gasp.
They say true love
only comes around once.
Thank god mine came
wearing a stethoscope.
I gotta memorialize
this one on tape.
Uh-oh. Maybe it's here.
Or here.
Or here.
Or... Where?
- Oh, my God.
- I've lost my secret diary.
- Time to go on turbo search.
- Chill out, Park.
- Hmm.
- Maybe it's on the stairs.
Maybe not.
Mankind's greatest catastrophes,
the sinking of Atlantis,
the San Francisco earthquake,
the cancellation
of thirtysomething,
and now,
the loss of my diary.
I'm Jell-O mold.
Hand it over.
When
my property disappears,
it can only be in one place.
The Shelly Zone.
- Parker, you're upset.
- You're angry.
I like this.
- You took it.
- I want it.
If you
don't give it to me now,
I'm gonna tell Mom about...
- Okay, okay.
- Baby pictures, Valentine's day boxer shorts,
and here's the directions
to Donna Sue's
parents' cabin...
If Shelly's willing
to hand over
all this dangerous contraband,
it can only mean one thing.
She doesn't have my diary.
It was back in the days
before Velcro.
Before CDs.
Before Ernest Goes to Camp.
- Reagan was just beginning his first term...
- -Who?
- Ronald Reagan.
President before Bush?
-Who?
- Forget it.
- Anyway, Fleetwood Mac had just broken up...
Who?
Okay, it's gotta be
in here somewhere.
Lobster, wind-up penguin,
nose glasses,
student store price scanner.
Hey, Jer, did you hear about
Stacy Snieder's tattoo?
- Ladybug, sir.
- Yeah.
Who can we tell?
Sure, these are just
the kind of guys
who can keep a secret.
Time to take drastic action.
- Gentlemen, I'm convening an emergency bud council.
- Diner, corner booth, 3:30 p.
Mmm. Tootsie rolls.
- Chewy.
- Yet, interesting.
Ms. Musso?
What is it?
Dr. Carroll on line 2 for you.
Hello, Doctor.
No, Mr. Thellzone,
I do not know
when the fetal pig shipment
is coming in.
Hello, Doctor.
Hello, Grace.
I just wanted to tell you
what a lovely time I had
the other night.
Oh, me too, Doctor.
I was wondering if you could
make any free time for me
this week in your busy schedule.
Oh, well, I'm terribly busy,
but oh, let me see.
How about today, Doctor?
- Ah, the people of Atlas Diner.
- Each one of them is a walking fountain
of personal secrets
and inner thoughts.
Private hopes,
dreams and reflections.
But the difference
between me and them is,
- I had to go and put mine on tape.
- Way to go, Parker.
But nothing says truth
has to be the first item
on the menu.
Think I'll sit
in the big booth
and do the Big Stall.
What do you guys think
of this shirt on me?
You know, there's a sale
down at the mall.
- I need socks, a shirt, new belt, some shoes.
- How about a hat?
Oh, yeah. And I think I'll get
some turtlenecks. Heh.
Is my hair okay?
Park, this is only
a half-hour show, man.
Look, I've known you since
before the Kubiac era
and all you're doing
is the Big Stall.
Oops, I'm busted.
And sir, I've known you since
the 4th season
of The Cosby Show,
and this is the first time
you haven't been entirely
forthcoming with us
when you are down.
Guys, you're my best buds and...
Well?
I... Jerry, is that
a new coat?
Tell them!
Guys, I called
this council because...
My diary's gone.
This is seriousness.
You said a lot of stuff
about a lot of people.
Melinda Harris, Mrs. Shemley,
Ms. Musso, Mr. Kubiac,
Mr. Lemmer, Donna Sue Horton,
Conrad Fleck, Mr. Louie,
Mr. Mackleberry, Mr. Spindle,
Badge, Brian Popko,
Eileen Larson,
and not to mention,
Madonna's new boy toy, Gerardo.
This can make a lot of people
very angry.
Perhaps an application to
the Witness Protection Program
might be of help, sir.
This is the absolute
lowest point in my career
as a teenager.
Park, when we first set up
the buds, way back
in the late 80s,
we pledged to help each other
to support each other
and to pull each other
out of the dumper
when things got rough.
If you've said something
about someone,
then we've said it, too.
Word to yo mother.
He's in his Vanilla Ice phase.
- It's as basic as 3-chord rock n' roll.
- We're here for you.
There's one other thing
I have to tell you.
You guys are like,
all over this diary.
You talked about us
in your journal?
Big time.
And right now it's
in somebody else's
hands?
It looks that way.
Maybe this'll be okay after all.
Maybe not.
Grace, don't think of me
as just another
large glove size,
but rather, someone
you want to have fun with.
Oh, I'd be a liar if I didn't
mention that fun is not
all I'm here for.
What do you mean, Grace?
Well, I'm all for spontaneity.
But a single, successful woman
who has just recently reached
her mid-30s
needs to know
that your intentions are...
Honorable.
Grace, I give you
my Hippocratic oath.
Oh, good.
Toward that end,
I'd like you to fill out
this little questionnaire.
Personal references,
bank account balances,
to see if you're
as firmly incomed
as you purport to be.
I'm not following, Grace.
You're a professional, Doctor.
So am I.-
Mikey, Jerry,
you're my best buds
and I feel I let you down.
I gotta tell you,
this feels worse
than when Shelly was born.
Anyway, it wasn't my fault
that my diary got stolen.
I'm sure that if you have time
to think it over,
- you'll understand and say...
- Not a problem.
Perhaps we overreacted, sir.
- Yeah.
- Somebody stole your secrets, then they stole our secrets, too.
What exactly are
our secrets, sir?
So we'll recognize them when
we hear them.
Guys, I have to tell you,
I love the fact
that you're here,
but I have torn this whole
school apart looking
for my diary.
And every time, I come up zilch.
- Hello, boys.
- I believe I've got something you want.
Don't try and trace
this transmission.
I won't be on long enough.
Talk about
your reality television.
Tomorrow at
the Kubiac sandwich naming
ceremony
when the entire student body
is assembled,
I'm going to play
your little diary
to the whole school.
And, this is the best part,
there's no way
you can stop me.
Jerry, run it back to the end.
- Now freeze it!
- Zoom in.
A ponytail.
- Oh.
- My.
God.
Lemmer!
You know, if this
were happening
to anyone else,
I'd be enjoying it.
Don, I've got some information
that might be a bummer.
- Out with it.
- The Don likes to hear bad news immediately.
Lights off!
Word in the hallway
is my brother, uh,
Parker Lewis' private diary
is going to be read
at the Kubo-spective
on Friday.
It may contain material
potentially injurious
to a man in your position.
And who has this diary?
Diary reclamation plan A.
Sensitive, high-level
negotiations
with Frank Lemmer.
The Flamingo articles in
negotiation
state that any arbitration
in these quarters will be
- solemn and binding.
- Sirs, you may begin.
Frank Lemmer.
In that we have
proof positive
you stole private property
from one of the buds,
namely Parker,
we felt justified
in liberating a few
of your personal possessions
so that we might offer them
in exchange.
Do your worst.
Okay, Frank.
Your 10-year collection
of Soldier of Fortune
magazines.
Including
the Schwarzkopf
centerfold.
You'll have
to do better than that.
- Your prize surveillance photo of Ms.
- Musso skinnydipping in Hawaii.
I still have the negative.
- Okay, Frank.
- We didn't want to have to do this.
But...
You've got Cathy!
Hand over the diary,
or your piranha
sleeps with the humans.
Cathy...
What's it going to be?
Okay, Lewis.
You can have back
your stupid little diary.
Yes!
There he is!
- We need to talk.
- Now.
Lewis.
You set me up.
No.
The Don does not like
having his time wasted.
- Come on, guys.
- Hey, put me down.
- Let's talk trade.
- How about a closet full of crazy shirts?
- You listen.
- Listen to a public recital of the secret diary
from Parker Lloyd Lewis
at Kubiac's ceremony.
Lloyd?
It was second semester
of my sophomore year.
- You should have seen me then.
- A lithe, slim and trim 260 pounds.
I've been on hold
for two minutes.
What do you mean,
he's still in surgery?
Oh, don't tell me
about life and death, nursey.
I am a single woman
in my late 30s.
- Come, Lawrence.
- A school awaits.
Mmm.
- Everybody, welcome.
- Gather round for the Kubo-spective ceremony.
Count down to disaster.
A public reading of my secrets
during, of all things,
the Kubo-spective ceremony.
The many faces of
Francis Lawrence Kubiac III.
More than just
the history of a man,
the history of take-out.
Lois, have you seen Frank?
Uh-huh.
- Oh, listen, if a Dr.
- Carroll calls, put him through instantly.
- Did you hear me?
- Instantly!
- Come, Larry.
- This way.
So when you hear
my brother's diary,
you're going to be like
dangerously angry, right?
For me, angry is a good mood.
Oh, I thank you for this day.
So, here I come,
walking into
my worst nightmare.
My inner-most thoughts
revealed in public.
Every student will laugh at me.
My buds will hate me.
It's time to think transfer.
Park, whatever you said
about me in your diary,
I can handle it.
As long as you didn't talk
about that night
in Andy Kaplan's garage.
You didn't mention
my Jetson underwear,
did you, sir?
Or my retainer?
Or how picky I am
about certain foods?
- Or this things I have for Steve Sax?
- Or...
Oh.
Rogue transmission
coming our way
- in 20, 19...
- And now, Ms. Musso.
Muss, Muss, Muss...
Oh, silence!
We are here today
to honor Larry Kubiac.
He is a boy... Was a boy...
Is a young man... Is a man...
Is a big guy,
who brings new definition
to the term
"staying power."
10... 9... 8...
And so our cafeteria
has named a sandwich
in honor of Larry.
Presenting, The Big Kube.
Pizza and French fries
on a sourdough bun.
I'd like to thank
all the little people...
3... 2... 1...
Parker Lewis' voice diary,
Thursday. 2:15.
- Dear diary, I noticed Donna Sue wrote our names on her notebook.
- Coolness.
And, I finally unscrambled
the secret code to Musso's
answering machine.
It's 3:10 a.m.
and I'm watching
my sister sleep.
Lying there crumpled up
with all her dolls
and stuffed animals.
It's a wonder
we don't get along
better than we do.
But then, how can anyone
get along with someone
who has a massive crush on
Don Yemano?
9:30 p.m.
Jerry just called me
to remind me
to bring 4 number 2 pencils
to tomorrow's
achievement test.
Mental note, time to have
a little talk with Jerry.
Sometimes, I get impatient
with the little guy's
compulsive reminders.
Maybe it's time
to find a way to say thank you
to my fellow bud.
11:30. Waiting for Nightline
to come on.
Just talked to Mikey.
He said he was going
to sit in with
the Roadhouse Band.
I told him maybe it wasn't
such a good idea, 'cause
every time he does this,
he's a wreck the next day.
We got into, like,
this huge fight.
And he told me
I'm not his old man.
He's right.
I'm not his old man.
Just his friend.
That's why
I don't want to see
anything bad happen to him.
'Cause a friend like Mikey
only comes around
once in a lifetime.
Special obedience helper
Frank Lemmer here.
I'd like you all to pay
very special attention
to the coup de grace.
- One Parker Lewis, soon to be former student, speaking about our own beloved Ms.
- Musso.
5:45 a.m. Monday morning.
Surveillance camera shows
Ms. Musso arriving at school.
Why, you ask,
does she get here so early?
She tells everyone
it's to prepare
for the week's studies.
Our evidence shows
it's really because...
Frank!
Uh...
This concludes
today's broadcast.
There was a time before
Domino's Pizza home delivery,
before microwave popcorn,
before the great
fajita crossover.
It was back in the days
before Mark Goodman
on MTV,
before the Fox Network...
Musso's on
DEFCON nuclear
approach.
Only a miracle
could save me now.
Grace.
I need to speak to you.
The miracle of modern medicine.
- Forget it, Doctor.
- I'm sorry I gave you that questionnaire.
- It's okay.
- Say what you have to say.
I'm used to it by now.
Dinner and a movie?
I do.
I mean, yes.
- Excellent, sir.
- Yeah, Park. Why were you
so afraid
of having us hear your diary
if all you said
were good things?
Guys, whoever knew
that spilling your guts
could be so cool?
- Friends.
- Normally, you put them on cruise control,
then something happens
to make you thankful
for the friends you've got.
That's what happened today
when my diary was read
to the entire student body.
I discovered my friends
felt as strongly about me
as I do for them.
- Oh, well.
- Sometimes, I think I worry too much.
Shelly, it's time to get up!
Parker!
Mr. Lewis? Mr. Randall?
Mr. Phillips? Hello?