Parker Lewis Can't Lose (1990–1993): Season 2, Episode 13 - Raging Kube - full transcript
With a child-like mentality the almighty Kube doesn't back down from anything. Anything except his do-gooder girlfriend's request for Kubiac not to fight anymore. Seeing a chance the school's don "Donald 'the Don' Yemano" jumps to attention and takes over the school with an iron fist. As told as if it were a children's story the viewer watches everyone pushed into a corner waiting for the mighty Kubiac to help. Will Larry Kubiac come out of retirement and fight Donald or will this tale not end happily ever after?
Mmm...
()
"Once upon a time,
there was a giant.
"A gentle giant who ruled
the peaceful kingdom
"of Santo Domingo.
"He was a kind and fair ruler
"whose beloved subjects hung
on his every royal word."
I suppose you're wondering
why I've hung you here today.
You're not gonna eat us,
are you?
Eat you?
No. Kub need opinion
on love poem.
"Cheetos, fish sticks,
sandwiches submarine...
"Eileen."
"Fajitas, burritos,
potato cuisine...
"Eileen."
Larry Kubiac,
you have a beautiful soul.
Every kingdom needs its queen.
Santo Domingo's was
the wise lady Musso,
a queen who always put the
needs of her subjects first.
- Hello, Omar's Mercedes Shop?
- Omar's Mercedes.
Yes, I feel I am finally ready
to purchase my first Mercedes.
Big bucks.
Can I afford it?
You are talking to a high
school principal here.
Like I said, car big bucks.
Hi, I'm Harry
the humpback whale.
I can eat my weight
in plankton. Can you?
I could really like you,
Larry Kubiac.
Too bad we can't stay together.
What's wrong?
- Tell Kub.
- Kub fix.
I could never let myself
fall for a tough guy.
Look at me.
All my life I wanted to live
like they do.-
Gentle creatures swimming
through a challenging sea.
The two of us together,
it'd never work.
Unless...
Anything, my little love burger.
Promise me
you'll never fight again.
Kub not fight?
I'll make it worth your while.
Say them.
Say those three little words.
Boston...
Cream...
Pie.
From now on,
Kub know only these things...
Peace, non-violence,
pies Boston cream,
Eileen.-
But little did he know a great
evil lurked in the shadows.
Evil answering to the name
Don "The Don" Yemano.
Don was young, ambitious,
and made a big production
of getting dressed
in the morning.
Peace to you,
my sharp-dressed friends.
You disgust me, Kubiac.
You used to be strong,
all-powerful,
but no more.
You're all washed up, lover boy.
And I'm gonna prove it
when you and I...
Fight.
Ooh...
Sorry, new Kub only fight
whaling, toxic polluters,
and proliferation of
classic rock radio stations.
Won't fight, huh?
Not even if I call you
a badly dressed,
peanut-brained,
knuckle-dragging goon?
Kub like peanuts.-
Determined to lure
the gentle giant into battle,
evil resorted to an act
of unspeakable savagery.
I could see how that
would be effective.
Now, if you finish yodeling,
let's ink you in
for the parking lot,
Friday, noon.
The fight to decide
who's the real
mighty Flamingo.
Kub be there.
Larry Kubiac,
I just can't love a man
who resorts to fisticuffs over
a little thing like Twinkies.
Oopsy?
Me jilted.
And so, the giant
lost his true love.
Now alone,
he would face the one thing
his mighty strength
could not mend,
a broken heart.
Once called into battle,
the gentle giant was capable
of transforming himself
into a ferocious warrior.
- Larry, you okay?
- No.
I'm not okay.
My little Ho Ho doesn't
love me anymore.
Kub, if Eileen means
this much to you,
then why don't you call off
the fight?
I can't.
It would make me look like a...
Weenie.
But in a bad way.
And so the giant's
concerned friends
did the only thing they could
to avoid bloodshed,
compromise.
Don Yemano, if you call off
the fight with Kubiac, -
we're prepared to offer you...
Supercuts hair counseling
coupon...
The complete
Steven Seagal film library...
And Debbie Gibson,
the oily-skin years.
Forget it, Lewis.
We both know a sophomore
like me has to wait
until his senior year
to get any real respect.
That's two years away.
But by crushing Kubiac,
I get all the
respect I deserve
in one short afternoon.
It's a thing of beauty.
Just a sec.
- Analysis.
- I know guys like Yemano.
He wants respect from others
he doesn't have for himself.
- Suggestion?
- -We need to give Yemano the respect he craves
without his having
to fight Mr. Kubiac.
That leaves us
with only one option.
And so the giant's
wise friends prepared
a legal document
that declared Yemano
would for evermore replace
the gentle giant
as the kingdom's
most powerful Flamingo.
Evil quickly agreed
to the giant's unconditional
surrender.
K-O...
"E"?
Three?
With two slashes of his pen,
the toughest Flamingo
relinquished his crown.
At long last,
the love of his heart
had drowned out the fury
in his roar.
And so the townspeople
bid farewell
to their brawny, beloved
and benevolent ruler.
Kub, Kub!
Come back, Kub!
Kub, come back!
Welcome back,
my little Kub cake.
- Smooch now?
- Mm-hmm.
Blah, blah, blah, blah,
no can do, Grace.
Hold your horsepower, Omar.
What do you mean I can't get
the car in Flamingo pink?
- No way, Grace.
- No way.
Well, what about
sparkling Bordeaux?
- Forget it, never happen.
- Never, never!
- Bora Bora blue?
- Ugh, ridiculous.
- Yucatan yellow?
- Ugh, ugh, ugh.
- Apricot velvet?
- Silly.
- Adobe rose?
- Terrible.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
- How about ruckus red?
- No, no, no, no, no!
As the days passed,
the kingdom felt the
awesome consequences
of the giant's retirement.
- Talk to me, guys.
- What's up?
- Locker evictions.
- We couldn't pay rent.
- Rent to whom?
- Yemano.
It gets worse, sir.
There's a fee levy
to have good grades tax.
Ouch, Jer, that's gotta hurt.
You'll never know how much, sir.
I don't mean that as a slander.
And Yemano turned
Santo Domingo upside down.-
By turning control of
Santo Domingo over to Yemano,
the giant now knew he had
failed the simple townspeople.
Ashamed, he sought refuge
from their accusing eyes.
He turned to the only place
he could still call home.
But Bathroom 12
was home no more.
Come to pick up the trash?
- Bathroom mine.
- Always be mine.
Guess again.
Bathroom 12 belongs to me now.
The only way you can
get it back is to fight me.
But you will not do that,
will you?
Fight, fight, fight, fight!
Fight, fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight!
- No, Larry, no!
- We will not fight.
We believe that violence
is never the answer.
These gentle giants
of the sea, they live
their lives in peace.
Can't you?
Can't we all?
Aah!
Hi, I'm Harry the hump, hump,
hump, hump, hump...-
- Come on.
- We're bigger than this.
What is she not bigger than?
Ooh...
Hey, Kuby, you trying to save
the whales or date 'em?
Throughout history,
men have fought for the hearts
of the women they love,
women like Helen of Troy,
Cleopatra, Octopussy.
It's go time.
Larry, please, I don't care
if he calls me names.
- It matters to Kub.
- It's not just you.
I never should've let
Yemano take over.
My fault, my responsibility.
Must do right thing.
- Must save Santo Domingo.
- -No...
And lo, the giant's
call to battle was born anew,
a challenge that was to bring
forth a profound secret.
- Kub?
- Kub scared.
Park scared.
Kub, what are you doing
in my bed?
Park, I've got a secret
that I've never told anyone...
Not even Eileen.
I've...
Promise you won't laugh.
I've never been in a fight.
I don't even know how.
Wait a minute, Kub.
You've been
the strongest Flamingo
as long as I can remember.
How can you
not know how to fight?
Easy, whenever someone
wanted to fight me,
I'd just...
That's all I know how to do.
But Kub roar doesn't
scare Yemano.
Nothing scares Yemano.
He's gonna tear me
apart like a buttery
fresh croissant.
But in a bad way.
At long last,
the giant's dark secret
was revealed,
sending an icy chill
from his giant head
to his giant toes.
Larry Kubiac, once upon a time,
he was Santo Domingo's
most fearsome Flamingo,
his thunder roars echoing
throughout the land.
Now the giant's roars lay silent
as he wonders if he has
the courage to go mano-a-mano
with the evil Don Yemano.
Clearly, the answer is no.
- There he is!
- Kub, you're okay.
If you don't mind,
I'd like to enjoy
sunset alone.
Uh, Kub, the sun sets
in the west.
Oh.
Now this is worth watching.
Sir, I brought you
the Musso excuse file,
filled with enough excuses
to keep you legally at home
until Mr. Yemano's
on Medicare.
No excuses.
Then just do what I do.
Turn around, grab your guitar,
and walk away.
Kub doesn't own guitar.
Then I'm out of ideas.
Guys, I appreciate
what you're trying to do.
Really.
But I have no choice.
I gotta fight.
Kub, you'll be slaughtered.
That was smoothness.
Sir, I know what
you're going through.-
It's okay.
I'm a sheep
and I've learned
to accept it,
even be proud of it.
Join the flock.-
It's warm and safe
inside the locker.
No locker big enough
for sheep like me, Jer.
Kub not join flock.
Must fight.
- Don't worry.
- Kub be all right.
- Oh, fair price, huh?
- You betcha.
Look, you're not talking
to somebody
that just fell off
a sand dune, you know.
- I'm sorry, Grace.
- This is final offer.
- But...
- Price to move.
- But...
- Final offer.
Oh, you're a hard man, Omar,
a hard, hard man.
Thank you very much.
Tell me,
are you a hard single man?
Why not find out, Grace?
Really?
Say, can you palm a basketball?
Having failed to talk
sense into the gentle giant,
his loyal friends
were left no choice
but to reveal his dark secret
to the woman he loved.
Only she could stop him now.
You know.
- Still love me?
- Oh, even more than before.
Who couldn't love a man
who's kept the peace
at Santo Domingo
for 10 years without ever
throwing a punch?
Oh, Larry Kubiac,
you're truly amazing.
I am?
How you like new
previously owned car?
Oh, it's roomy, it's sporty,
it's yummy.
It even has that marvelous
previously owned car smell.
It's not by accident.
Oh, I'm the envy
of the parking lot.
And I must admit, Omar,
the service has been terrific.
We aim to please.
Show me again.
Kub get girl.
But what about fellow Flamingos?
What about Kub's promise?
What about fight?
Kub, what if I told you
there was a way
you could save face
and the school?
Interested?
The hour was nigh.
Throughout the kingdom
of Santo Domingo,
the simple townspeople marched
with their chosen protector.
- Kub!
- You're back, Kub!
You're back.
And so the moment
the gentle giant most dreaded
had arrived.
As he looked
into evil's cruel eyes,
every bone in his body
screamed at him
to run, to hide,
but he gathered up every
fiber of courage he had inside
and said...
Loser buys lunch.
You're on.
- Ooh...
- Huh?
Aah, aah, aah.
Ouchy.
When you fall, try not
to kick up a lot of dust.
New suit.
That was a bus.
He killed a bus.
- Where to?
- Beverly Hills, 90210.
With any luck, I could take
one of the cute guys.
- Bye-bye, boys.
- Don't fight.
How do I look?
Hey, thanks for rigging
the bus, guys.
Thanks, Kub, but, uh,
we didn't rig the bus.
Omar!
Guys, do you feel it?
How suddenly everything's
coolness on campus.
Yeah.
I feel it, too, sir.
In my heart, I know
Santo Domingo is safe again,
thanks to him.
Once upon a time,
there was a giant
who ruled over a kingdom
called Santo Domingo.
He was a kind and fair ruler
who found within himself
the courage to face
his fear and conquer evil
so that peace could
once again bloom
throughout the land.
Oh, come on, Park,
read us another one.
- Okay, okay.
- All right!
"Once upon a time,
"there lived a talent family
called the Wayans
"who had their own TV show
and won many Emmys.
"Wayans throughout the land
knew they could get a job
on this show..."
- Mr. Lewis?
- Mr. Randall?
Mr. Phillips? Hello?
()
"Once upon a time,
there was a giant.
"A gentle giant who ruled
the peaceful kingdom
"of Santo Domingo.
"He was a kind and fair ruler
"whose beloved subjects hung
on his every royal word."
I suppose you're wondering
why I've hung you here today.
You're not gonna eat us,
are you?
Eat you?
No. Kub need opinion
on love poem.
"Cheetos, fish sticks,
sandwiches submarine...
"Eileen."
"Fajitas, burritos,
potato cuisine...
"Eileen."
Larry Kubiac,
you have a beautiful soul.
Every kingdom needs its queen.
Santo Domingo's was
the wise lady Musso,
a queen who always put the
needs of her subjects first.
- Hello, Omar's Mercedes Shop?
- Omar's Mercedes.
Yes, I feel I am finally ready
to purchase my first Mercedes.
Big bucks.
Can I afford it?
You are talking to a high
school principal here.
Like I said, car big bucks.
Hi, I'm Harry
the humpback whale.
I can eat my weight
in plankton. Can you?
I could really like you,
Larry Kubiac.
Too bad we can't stay together.
What's wrong?
- Tell Kub.
- Kub fix.
I could never let myself
fall for a tough guy.
Look at me.
All my life I wanted to live
like they do.-
Gentle creatures swimming
through a challenging sea.
The two of us together,
it'd never work.
Unless...
Anything, my little love burger.
Promise me
you'll never fight again.
Kub not fight?
I'll make it worth your while.
Say them.
Say those three little words.
Boston...
Cream...
Pie.
From now on,
Kub know only these things...
Peace, non-violence,
pies Boston cream,
Eileen.-
But little did he know a great
evil lurked in the shadows.
Evil answering to the name
Don "The Don" Yemano.
Don was young, ambitious,
and made a big production
of getting dressed
in the morning.
Peace to you,
my sharp-dressed friends.
You disgust me, Kubiac.
You used to be strong,
all-powerful,
but no more.
You're all washed up, lover boy.
And I'm gonna prove it
when you and I...
Fight.
Ooh...
Sorry, new Kub only fight
whaling, toxic polluters,
and proliferation of
classic rock radio stations.
Won't fight, huh?
Not even if I call you
a badly dressed,
peanut-brained,
knuckle-dragging goon?
Kub like peanuts.-
Determined to lure
the gentle giant into battle,
evil resorted to an act
of unspeakable savagery.
I could see how that
would be effective.
Now, if you finish yodeling,
let's ink you in
for the parking lot,
Friday, noon.
The fight to decide
who's the real
mighty Flamingo.
Kub be there.
Larry Kubiac,
I just can't love a man
who resorts to fisticuffs over
a little thing like Twinkies.
Oopsy?
Me jilted.
And so, the giant
lost his true love.
Now alone,
he would face the one thing
his mighty strength
could not mend,
a broken heart.
Once called into battle,
the gentle giant was capable
of transforming himself
into a ferocious warrior.
- Larry, you okay?
- No.
I'm not okay.
My little Ho Ho doesn't
love me anymore.
Kub, if Eileen means
this much to you,
then why don't you call off
the fight?
I can't.
It would make me look like a...
Weenie.
But in a bad way.
And so the giant's
concerned friends
did the only thing they could
to avoid bloodshed,
compromise.
Don Yemano, if you call off
the fight with Kubiac, -
we're prepared to offer you...
Supercuts hair counseling
coupon...
The complete
Steven Seagal film library...
And Debbie Gibson,
the oily-skin years.
Forget it, Lewis.
We both know a sophomore
like me has to wait
until his senior year
to get any real respect.
That's two years away.
But by crushing Kubiac,
I get all the
respect I deserve
in one short afternoon.
It's a thing of beauty.
Just a sec.
- Analysis.
- I know guys like Yemano.
He wants respect from others
he doesn't have for himself.
- Suggestion?
- -We need to give Yemano the respect he craves
without his having
to fight Mr. Kubiac.
That leaves us
with only one option.
And so the giant's
wise friends prepared
a legal document
that declared Yemano
would for evermore replace
the gentle giant
as the kingdom's
most powerful Flamingo.
Evil quickly agreed
to the giant's unconditional
surrender.
K-O...
"E"?
Three?
With two slashes of his pen,
the toughest Flamingo
relinquished his crown.
At long last,
the love of his heart
had drowned out the fury
in his roar.
And so the townspeople
bid farewell
to their brawny, beloved
and benevolent ruler.
Kub, Kub!
Come back, Kub!
Kub, come back!
Welcome back,
my little Kub cake.
- Smooch now?
- Mm-hmm.
Blah, blah, blah, blah,
no can do, Grace.
Hold your horsepower, Omar.
What do you mean I can't get
the car in Flamingo pink?
- No way, Grace.
- No way.
Well, what about
sparkling Bordeaux?
- Forget it, never happen.
- Never, never!
- Bora Bora blue?
- Ugh, ridiculous.
- Yucatan yellow?
- Ugh, ugh, ugh.
- Apricot velvet?
- Silly.
- Adobe rose?
- Terrible.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
- How about ruckus red?
- No, no, no, no, no!
As the days passed,
the kingdom felt the
awesome consequences
of the giant's retirement.
- Talk to me, guys.
- What's up?
- Locker evictions.
- We couldn't pay rent.
- Rent to whom?
- Yemano.
It gets worse, sir.
There's a fee levy
to have good grades tax.
Ouch, Jer, that's gotta hurt.
You'll never know how much, sir.
I don't mean that as a slander.
And Yemano turned
Santo Domingo upside down.-
By turning control of
Santo Domingo over to Yemano,
the giant now knew he had
failed the simple townspeople.
Ashamed, he sought refuge
from their accusing eyes.
He turned to the only place
he could still call home.
But Bathroom 12
was home no more.
Come to pick up the trash?
- Bathroom mine.
- Always be mine.
Guess again.
Bathroom 12 belongs to me now.
The only way you can
get it back is to fight me.
But you will not do that,
will you?
Fight, fight, fight, fight!
Fight, fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight!
- No, Larry, no!
- We will not fight.
We believe that violence
is never the answer.
These gentle giants
of the sea, they live
their lives in peace.
Can't you?
Can't we all?
Aah!
Hi, I'm Harry the hump, hump,
hump, hump, hump...-
- Come on.
- We're bigger than this.
What is she not bigger than?
Ooh...
Hey, Kuby, you trying to save
the whales or date 'em?
Throughout history,
men have fought for the hearts
of the women they love,
women like Helen of Troy,
Cleopatra, Octopussy.
It's go time.
Larry, please, I don't care
if he calls me names.
- It matters to Kub.
- It's not just you.
I never should've let
Yemano take over.
My fault, my responsibility.
Must do right thing.
- Must save Santo Domingo.
- -No...
And lo, the giant's
call to battle was born anew,
a challenge that was to bring
forth a profound secret.
- Kub?
- Kub scared.
Park scared.
Kub, what are you doing
in my bed?
Park, I've got a secret
that I've never told anyone...
Not even Eileen.
I've...
Promise you won't laugh.
I've never been in a fight.
I don't even know how.
Wait a minute, Kub.
You've been
the strongest Flamingo
as long as I can remember.
How can you
not know how to fight?
Easy, whenever someone
wanted to fight me,
I'd just...
That's all I know how to do.
But Kub roar doesn't
scare Yemano.
Nothing scares Yemano.
He's gonna tear me
apart like a buttery
fresh croissant.
But in a bad way.
At long last,
the giant's dark secret
was revealed,
sending an icy chill
from his giant head
to his giant toes.
Larry Kubiac, once upon a time,
he was Santo Domingo's
most fearsome Flamingo,
his thunder roars echoing
throughout the land.
Now the giant's roars lay silent
as he wonders if he has
the courage to go mano-a-mano
with the evil Don Yemano.
Clearly, the answer is no.
- There he is!
- Kub, you're okay.
If you don't mind,
I'd like to enjoy
sunset alone.
Uh, Kub, the sun sets
in the west.
Oh.
Now this is worth watching.
Sir, I brought you
the Musso excuse file,
filled with enough excuses
to keep you legally at home
until Mr. Yemano's
on Medicare.
No excuses.
Then just do what I do.
Turn around, grab your guitar,
and walk away.
Kub doesn't own guitar.
Then I'm out of ideas.
Guys, I appreciate
what you're trying to do.
Really.
But I have no choice.
I gotta fight.
Kub, you'll be slaughtered.
That was smoothness.
Sir, I know what
you're going through.-
It's okay.
I'm a sheep
and I've learned
to accept it,
even be proud of it.
Join the flock.-
It's warm and safe
inside the locker.
No locker big enough
for sheep like me, Jer.
Kub not join flock.
Must fight.
- Don't worry.
- Kub be all right.
- Oh, fair price, huh?
- You betcha.
Look, you're not talking
to somebody
that just fell off
a sand dune, you know.
- I'm sorry, Grace.
- This is final offer.
- But...
- Price to move.
- But...
- Final offer.
Oh, you're a hard man, Omar,
a hard, hard man.
Thank you very much.
Tell me,
are you a hard single man?
Why not find out, Grace?
Really?
Say, can you palm a basketball?
Having failed to talk
sense into the gentle giant,
his loyal friends
were left no choice
but to reveal his dark secret
to the woman he loved.
Only she could stop him now.
You know.
- Still love me?
- Oh, even more than before.
Who couldn't love a man
who's kept the peace
at Santo Domingo
for 10 years without ever
throwing a punch?
Oh, Larry Kubiac,
you're truly amazing.
I am?
How you like new
previously owned car?
Oh, it's roomy, it's sporty,
it's yummy.
It even has that marvelous
previously owned car smell.
It's not by accident.
Oh, I'm the envy
of the parking lot.
And I must admit, Omar,
the service has been terrific.
We aim to please.
Show me again.
Kub get girl.
But what about fellow Flamingos?
What about Kub's promise?
What about fight?
Kub, what if I told you
there was a way
you could save face
and the school?
Interested?
The hour was nigh.
Throughout the kingdom
of Santo Domingo,
the simple townspeople marched
with their chosen protector.
- Kub!
- You're back, Kub!
You're back.
And so the moment
the gentle giant most dreaded
had arrived.
As he looked
into evil's cruel eyes,
every bone in his body
screamed at him
to run, to hide,
but he gathered up every
fiber of courage he had inside
and said...
Loser buys lunch.
You're on.
- Ooh...
- Huh?
Aah, aah, aah.
Ouchy.
When you fall, try not
to kick up a lot of dust.
New suit.
That was a bus.
He killed a bus.
- Where to?
- Beverly Hills, 90210.
With any luck, I could take
one of the cute guys.
- Bye-bye, boys.
- Don't fight.
How do I look?
Hey, thanks for rigging
the bus, guys.
Thanks, Kub, but, uh,
we didn't rig the bus.
Omar!
Guys, do you feel it?
How suddenly everything's
coolness on campus.
Yeah.
I feel it, too, sir.
In my heart, I know
Santo Domingo is safe again,
thanks to him.
Once upon a time,
there was a giant
who ruled over a kingdom
called Santo Domingo.
He was a kind and fair ruler
who found within himself
the courage to face
his fear and conquer evil
so that peace could
once again bloom
throughout the land.
Oh, come on, Park,
read us another one.
- Okay, okay.
- All right!
"Once upon a time,
"there lived a talent family
called the Wayans
"who had their own TV show
and won many Emmys.
"Wayans throughout the land
knew they could get a job
on this show..."
- Mr. Lewis?
- Mr. Randall?
Mr. Phillips? Hello?