Parker Lewis Can't Lose (1990–1993): Season 1, Episode 4 - Parker Lewis Must Lose - full transcript
Parker Lewis is a force to be reckoned with in whatever he does. When it comes to the office of the class president Parker and gang decide to try their hand. When the girl that really wants the position puts her all into it only to pale in comparison to Parker guilt follows. For once Parker decides to lose at something and throw the election against his competitor, Becky Grant. It seems though that Parker can't lose even if he tries and his ratings soar more than ever.
- Shelly, have you seen my new jeans?
- I have a date tonight.
Sorry, you lose, Park.
Bye-bye, blue jeans.
Are you sure you
haven't seen my jeans, Shelly?
Your Depeche Mode tickets
were in the pocket.
Greetings, Flamingos!
In our news this morning,
rogue stink bomb
evacuates chemistry lab.
Missing biology frogs
found in Sloppy Joes.
But first, our top story.
Principal Grace Musso
had her car...
This just in. Reports confirm
that Principal Grace Musso
is, in fact,
a flesh-eating werewolf.
During the full moon,
the fur-covered civil servant,
supplements her diet...
- Woo!
- with an occasional
freshman.
Students, be warned.-
I really intended
to be on time this morning.
But a young man needs his rest.
Especially when there's
a first period slide show
on gum disease.
I figure it's a gap
in my education
I can live with.
All right, Parker!-
Nice job on Musso.
What did I do?
Ah, Donna Sue Horton.
A girl you reveal
troop movements to.
Hair? Check.
Pits? Check.
Skin?
- Mmm, a little oily, but no time to buff.
- I'm going in.
- I just hope she got my...
- Flowers.
- You sent flowers.
- They were great.
Oh, and thank you
for the homework you faxed.
- Ah! Mental note.
- Next time, fax term paper.
Listen, Donna, uh,
Vacancy is playing
- at the Litter Box, Saturday night, and...
- -Lewis!
Later.
It was only a matter of time,
Lewis, before you got sloppy.
Sloppy?
You left fingerprints
all over that videotape
you used in your infantile
little werewolf stunt.
I took the liberty
of having those prints
enlarged.
Thank you, Lemmer.
When the prints from the tape
match the one's
we have on file,
and they will,
your days in natural sunlight
are numbered.
Shall we?-
They don't match!
Find me someone to expel!
- Coolness.
- Park!
- You're unshackled.
- You're free.
- How did you do it, sir?
- Wait, don't tell me, let me guess.
Musso excuse number 327.
Indisputable evidence
of an evil twin?
No way, too common.
- Then how?
- -The most bulletproof excuse of all.
- I didn't do it.
- Tres crafty, sir.
- But, if you didn't... Who?
- No idea.
But I sure would like
to shake the hand
of the man who did.
- Name's Matt Stiles.
- Huh. I'm, uh...
- Yeah, Parker Lewis.
- Everyone knows that.
- Er, I'm sorry if you got bitten by that werewolf thing.
- -That was you?
Ultra professional,
Mr. Stiles.
Look, I'm just
the new kid
trying to fit in.
- Uh, call me Matt.
- Okay, Mr. Matt.
Parker, if you want me
to take the heat with Musso,
say the word.
- Not a problem.
-All right, great.
Well, see ya.
What a nice guy.
Yeah, he's smart and funny.
And a little familiar.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
- He reminds me of you.
Morning report, talk to me guys.
Item number one,
we've got problems selling
our football seat cushions.
- Our sales have suffered an alarming drop-off, sir.
- -What's the problem?
- Hey, I like that shirt.
- Looking real good.
Hey, a cushion's a cushion.
Plus, it has
a butt target on it.
- Great idea, Mr. Matt.
- Lose the "Mr", will ya?
Thanks, Matt.
♪ Well...
♪ Monday morning runs
to Sunday night
♪ Screaming slow me down
♪ Before the new year dies
♪ Well, it won't take much
♪ To kill a loving smile
And spotted
in a trendy nightclub,
was Santo Domingo
principal, Grace Musso.-
Dressed in lacy black
leggings, and quite
a revealing tube top,
dancing with Emilio Estevez,
and MC Hammer.
Ow! Ow!
Thanks, Matt.
You ever need anything,
move furniture,
loosen teeth,
lift car,
you come to me.
"Matt Card."
Need cash, got to the Matt.
- This is epic, sir.
- My own credit card.
And me,
with no prior credit history.
- I know he's easily influenced by other people, Jerry.
- -If you say so, sir.
- I don't need a ride home, Park.
- -What are you bussing it?
Ugh, get real.
Matt Stiles just started
a limo service. Ciao!
- Here's what I owe you for the Hammer tickets.
- Sorry, it's late.
Not a problem. But where
did you get the money?
Cash advance.
Later!
Who does this Matt guy
think he is, Ferris Bueller?
I got the upper hand
with Parker Lewis,
as you can well imagine.
- But, it's all in a day's work.
- So, go ahead, have a good day.
Do you have a pass?
Parker, do you mind
if I borrow the genius
for a minute?
- Jerry? What for?
- Uh, if it's
a touchy subject...
What if it is a touchy subject?
- Sir, there' no need to...
- Cool it, Jer.
They're deciding your future.
Which is?
Well, see, Matt here,
is under the delusion
that he can just say the word,
and you're his.
The ability to make money
doesn't just happen.
- It's a gift you're born with.
- A gift not to be wasted.
A gift, I see in you Jer.
Really? No one's ever
told me that before.
But, something terrible
has happened, Jer.
I may not be around
to see you make
your first million.
- Matt? What happened?
- Well, you know how it is.
New kid in school,
trying to make new friends,
get established.
I missed first period
this morning.
Got to report
to Musso's office
in five minutes.
But, I thought Musso liked you.
As much as she likes discipline.
You're dead, man.
Unless...
- What's that?
- -Parker Lewis Musso Excuse file.
The answer to your problem.
Parker's?
Really?
Oh, I couldn't.
I sense a disturbance
in the force.
- Oh, forget it.
- Any student who misses first period
because he's been delivering
food to shut-ins
shouldn't be punished.
He should be commended.
A security breach
is never pretty, Jerry.
It makes me ask questions
I don't want to ask.
Like, why is it so dark in here?
- Ah, better.
- -I only gave Matt one excuse, sir.
He was in trouble.
- The Musso Excuse file.
- Classified.
We're talking sacred
best-bud trust here.
You can't just share
our secrets with every
smooth operator
that comes along.
You crossed the line, Jerry.
I'm disappointed in you, sir.
- Envy doesn't become you.
- Recommendation?
- Paint it black.
- -Temporary suspension of file privileges.
Effective immediately.
I couldn't get Jerry
out of my mind.
He was the consummate side-kick
A combination of
Tonto and Spock,
without the fashion sense.
But still, it was Jerry, right?
Was I punishing him
just because he
buddied up with Matt?
And after President Matt Stiles
signed the Emancipation
Proclamation into law,
- the country began to prosper.
- Huh?
All because of this one man.
Matt Stiles.
Re-elected to an unprecedented
six consecutive terms.
Even today, Matt remains
one of America's
most popular presidents.
You know, Matt Stiles
was born in a cabin that he
helped his father build.
You all right, Park?
You kinda got
a Keith Richards' flesh tone
thing happening.
Donna Sue!
I've known her
since eighth grade,
and I've only gotten
that close to her
in my dreams.
Matt's only been here
a week, and...
I'll see you Friday night, Matt.
- I came to turn in my coat and my glasses.
- -Turn 'em in?
I accepted
a high-level position
in another organization.
- Gee, let me guess.
- Don't tell me, you'll be...
- Working with Matt.
- It's a career opportunity advancement I can't pass up.
- No more third banana work for me.
- I'm a second banana now.
- What's that, sir?
- Chapped lips? I'm on it.
Well, got to go.
- Come on, Park.
- What's Matt got, that you don't?
My business, my girl,
and now, my bud.
(P
(PLE
(PLEAS
(PLEASE
(PLEASE MR
(PLEASE MR.
(PLEASE MR. PO
(PLEASE MR. POST
(PLEASE MR. POSTMA
(PLEASE MR. POSTMAN
(PLEASE MR. POSTMAN PL
(PLEASE MR. POSTMAN PLAY
(PLEASE MR. POSTMAN PLAYIN
Hey, Park. Come on, join in.
What are you guys
so happy about?
There's a rumor that a new
video store is being built
down the block.
And our sales are way down.
When they open the new place,
they'll effectively ruin us.
Mental note,
check Kool-Aid
for fermentation.
I know what you're thinking.
How can Mom and
I be dancing, laughing,
even celebrating...
When financial collapse is
only 10 days away.
- It occurred to me.
- -But Park, when times get tough,
- we Lewis' get happy.
- -We're going to drop our prices.
- We're going to double our advertising.
- We're going to compete so hard...
That new store will
be too scared
to even sign their lease.
- Yes!
- Yes!
- Another mental note.
- Hide their copy of The Big Chill.
When times are hard,
the Lewis' get happy,
and busy, and tough.
Matt Stiles is in
for the fight of his life.
- Great news.
- I got Corey Feldman to speak at the pep rally.
Bad news. Matt got
Arnold Schwarzenegger
to do a walk on
in the school play.
Hey, guys. New soda machine
courtesy of Parker Lewis.
New cappuccino machine,
courtesy of Matt Stiles.
Top this.
Word is he's got
Keifer Sutherland showing up
to crank the spit.
Don't worry, be happy.
Is it my imagination,
or is Matt Stiles
just beginning
to get the upper hand here?
I need time to think this over.
Freshman applicant number 17.
Now just relax
and tell us a little bit
about yourself.
- Okay, sir.
- Name's Jerry Steiner.
I'll be starting freshman
this fall.
My hobbies are collecting
Star Trek figurines
and developing
medical breakthroughs
in laser technology.
Can you make a decent sandwich?
I can my own jams and jellies.
- Who's the most beautiful babe on this planet?
- -It's Judy Jetson.
- Ah, the good old days.
- It's like Jerry was still with me.
- Mr. Lewis?
- Jerry?
- What's up?
-Nothing much.
Just thought I'd say hi.
Great. So, how's your new job?
It's a lot of responsibility,
but Matt's a fair
and honest employer.
Coolness. Hmph.
I hope he's a really
good friend, too.
- Have you found my replacement, yet?
- -No, not yet,
but it shouldn't be too hard.
There's been
a lot of people enquiring.
Listen, Jer,
about the suspension...
Yes?-
- It's Matt's lunch order.
- Got to trim the fat off his corned beef.
- Got to go!
- Licking your wounds, Lewis?
- Matt Stiles.
Come up here
to survey your kingdom?
How does it feel, Parker,
being in someone else's
shadow?
To be completely anonymous
in a school you once owned.
It blows.
Not a problem.
You still don't remember me,
do ya?
- It's okay if you don't remember.
- I remember it all.
We went to grade school
together.
And everything I did,
you did better than me.
If I got a gold star
on a test, you got two.
If I bought a hamster
to show and tell,
you bought Benji.
If I was a shepherd
in the Christmas pageant,
you were the Christ child.
- I hate your guts, Parker.
- Well, that's too bad.
'Cause you're going
to need a friend
when you take your fall.
Don't make me laugh.
I've taken everything
you've owned
and made it mine.
- And you know what?
- I love it.
Can you say
unstable psychotic,
boys and girls?
Well, enjoy the feeling.
Oh, you've got something else
in that arsenal of yours?
Definitely.
- Well, maybe.
- Okay, probably.
Jeez, I have no idea.
Consider yourself warned.
What are you doing?
That's Ms. Musso's grade file.
You said we were going
to use her copier
to Xerox our butts.
- What's the problem?
- You do this kind of work for Parker all the time.
No, those are missions
of mercy or outright
self-defense.
- You just want to change your grades.
- Parker would never do that.
Just watch the door, will ya?
Sir, you shouldn't.
Please.
- I got him, Ms. Musso.
- Huh?
I was walking by your office
and I saw Steiner here,
going through your files.
Look, he's even got a lock pick.
Please, sirs, you've got
to help me.
Musso's holding
my disciplinary hearing
this afternoon.
I'm going to spend
the next ten years
as a freshman.
Wow, that's longer than Kubiac.
Sorry, Jer, go to your pal.
I'm sure Mr. Matt
will know what to do.
Coldness, Park.
Mikey, would I ever let
a best bud down?
- You mean...
- It's operation "Splat Matt".
Matt, stop! You can't
do this to me.
- I was your personal Ed McMahon.
- -Well, you still are.
That's why
you're getting nailed
instead of me.
Matt, I thought you were
my friend.
- First mistake.
- Second mistake was being in Musso's office
when I broke into the files.
You could try to
tell them the truth, but,
no one's going to believe
your word against mine.
Before I sentence Mr. Steiner,
regulations require
that I listen
to student opinion,
on the character of the accused.
Go ahead.
Let's talk about
a disciplinary classic.
The Sweatbox.
Personally, I don't think
Jerry's to blame for this.
Parker is. Yes,
expel Parker Lewis.
Jerry, bad. Bad boy.
Eat now?
- Look, Jerry Steiner wouldn't tamper with Ms.
- Musso's grade file.
He doesn't operate that way.
Those who know Jerry
know all about his loyalty,
his business savvy,
his delicious
jams and jellies.
Maybe we don't hang around
that much anymore,
but he's still a best bud to me.
And the envelope, please.
Brilliant, Lewis. Oscar tap.
Mr. Stiles.
- Hey, come on, man.
- Give the kid a break.
- We'll do everything we can for you, I promise.
- -You can take a flying...
Stiles? Now.
Then, when I saw Jerry
breaking into
Musso's grade file,
I said, "You shouldn't change
your grades, Jer.
"It's not fair
to the other students."
But, he didn't listen to me.
But I was listening, Matt.
- Jerry cannot be trusted.
- Believe me, I've seen the type before.
Matt,
I thought you were my friend.
- First mistake.
- Second mistake was being in Musso's office
when I broke into the files.
You could try to tell them
the truth, but,
no one's going to believe
your word against mine.
Crowd control to Major Tom,
we have achieved coolness.
- Let's face the facts.
- Musso and the kids at this school
are phenomenally stupid.
- Especially, that lummox Kubiac.
- They don't come any dumber.
I'd pity them
if I didn't enjoy taking
their money so much.
- Everybody out!
- Go, go, go.
Not so fast, Mr. Stiles.
We need to discuss
your future. Have a seat.
I don't know how to thank you.
Mr. Lewis? Mr. Lewis,
I can't thank you enough.
- Not a problem.
- Mr. Lewis.
- I was just trying
to find the proper words to...
- Thank me? No need.
But Mr. Lewis,
I didn't deserve your help.
I crossed over to the dark side.
You should've let me
rot in detention
like the miserable
misguided youth that I am.
- You're right.
- But, sir...
- Ah, still fits, sirs.
- Boys are back in town.
- Parker, how come you never called?
- -Not a problem.
Lunch gone. Still hungry.
Even though Matt's guilty,
I don't think I should let
Kubiac do this.
If I do, then I'm no better
than he is.
I'll just have to learn
to live with myself.
Shall we?
Donna Sue's come
to her senses,
and Jerry's back.
All in all, not
a bad day's work.
What's Matt got
that I haven't got?
With buds like these,
it didn't matter.
Aw, too bad, Parker.
Looks like the bleach
has ruined your
brand new jeans.
Couldn't be, Shell,
I'm wearing them.
- Hmm.
- Well, then whose are...
- Mr. Lewis? Mr. Randall?
- Mr. Phillips?
Hello?
- I have a date tonight.
Sorry, you lose, Park.
Bye-bye, blue jeans.
Are you sure you
haven't seen my jeans, Shelly?
Your Depeche Mode tickets
were in the pocket.
Greetings, Flamingos!
In our news this morning,
rogue stink bomb
evacuates chemistry lab.
Missing biology frogs
found in Sloppy Joes.
But first, our top story.
Principal Grace Musso
had her car...
This just in. Reports confirm
that Principal Grace Musso
is, in fact,
a flesh-eating werewolf.
During the full moon,
the fur-covered civil servant,
supplements her diet...
- Woo!
- with an occasional
freshman.
Students, be warned.-
I really intended
to be on time this morning.
But a young man needs his rest.
Especially when there's
a first period slide show
on gum disease.
I figure it's a gap
in my education
I can live with.
All right, Parker!-
Nice job on Musso.
What did I do?
Ah, Donna Sue Horton.
A girl you reveal
troop movements to.
Hair? Check.
Pits? Check.
Skin?
- Mmm, a little oily, but no time to buff.
- I'm going in.
- I just hope she got my...
- Flowers.
- You sent flowers.
- They were great.
Oh, and thank you
for the homework you faxed.
- Ah! Mental note.
- Next time, fax term paper.
Listen, Donna, uh,
Vacancy is playing
- at the Litter Box, Saturday night, and...
- -Lewis!
Later.
It was only a matter of time,
Lewis, before you got sloppy.
Sloppy?
You left fingerprints
all over that videotape
you used in your infantile
little werewolf stunt.
I took the liberty
of having those prints
enlarged.
Thank you, Lemmer.
When the prints from the tape
match the one's
we have on file,
and they will,
your days in natural sunlight
are numbered.
Shall we?-
They don't match!
Find me someone to expel!
- Coolness.
- Park!
- You're unshackled.
- You're free.
- How did you do it, sir?
- Wait, don't tell me, let me guess.
Musso excuse number 327.
Indisputable evidence
of an evil twin?
No way, too common.
- Then how?
- -The most bulletproof excuse of all.
- I didn't do it.
- Tres crafty, sir.
- But, if you didn't... Who?
- No idea.
But I sure would like
to shake the hand
of the man who did.
- Name's Matt Stiles.
- Huh. I'm, uh...
- Yeah, Parker Lewis.
- Everyone knows that.
- Er, I'm sorry if you got bitten by that werewolf thing.
- -That was you?
Ultra professional,
Mr. Stiles.
Look, I'm just
the new kid
trying to fit in.
- Uh, call me Matt.
- Okay, Mr. Matt.
Parker, if you want me
to take the heat with Musso,
say the word.
- Not a problem.
-All right, great.
Well, see ya.
What a nice guy.
Yeah, he's smart and funny.
And a little familiar.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
- He reminds me of you.
Morning report, talk to me guys.
Item number one,
we've got problems selling
our football seat cushions.
- Our sales have suffered an alarming drop-off, sir.
- -What's the problem?
- Hey, I like that shirt.
- Looking real good.
Hey, a cushion's a cushion.
Plus, it has
a butt target on it.
- Great idea, Mr. Matt.
- Lose the "Mr", will ya?
Thanks, Matt.
♪ Well...
♪ Monday morning runs
to Sunday night
♪ Screaming slow me down
♪ Before the new year dies
♪ Well, it won't take much
♪ To kill a loving smile
And spotted
in a trendy nightclub,
was Santo Domingo
principal, Grace Musso.-
Dressed in lacy black
leggings, and quite
a revealing tube top,
dancing with Emilio Estevez,
and MC Hammer.
Ow! Ow!
Thanks, Matt.
You ever need anything,
move furniture,
loosen teeth,
lift car,
you come to me.
"Matt Card."
Need cash, got to the Matt.
- This is epic, sir.
- My own credit card.
And me,
with no prior credit history.
- I know he's easily influenced by other people, Jerry.
- -If you say so, sir.
- I don't need a ride home, Park.
- -What are you bussing it?
Ugh, get real.
Matt Stiles just started
a limo service. Ciao!
- Here's what I owe you for the Hammer tickets.
- Sorry, it's late.
Not a problem. But where
did you get the money?
Cash advance.
Later!
Who does this Matt guy
think he is, Ferris Bueller?
I got the upper hand
with Parker Lewis,
as you can well imagine.
- But, it's all in a day's work.
- So, go ahead, have a good day.
Do you have a pass?
Parker, do you mind
if I borrow the genius
for a minute?
- Jerry? What for?
- Uh, if it's
a touchy subject...
What if it is a touchy subject?
- Sir, there' no need to...
- Cool it, Jer.
They're deciding your future.
Which is?
Well, see, Matt here,
is under the delusion
that he can just say the word,
and you're his.
The ability to make money
doesn't just happen.
- It's a gift you're born with.
- A gift not to be wasted.
A gift, I see in you Jer.
Really? No one's ever
told me that before.
But, something terrible
has happened, Jer.
I may not be around
to see you make
your first million.
- Matt? What happened?
- Well, you know how it is.
New kid in school,
trying to make new friends,
get established.
I missed first period
this morning.
Got to report
to Musso's office
in five minutes.
But, I thought Musso liked you.
As much as she likes discipline.
You're dead, man.
Unless...
- What's that?
- -Parker Lewis Musso Excuse file.
The answer to your problem.
Parker's?
Really?
Oh, I couldn't.
I sense a disturbance
in the force.
- Oh, forget it.
- Any student who misses first period
because he's been delivering
food to shut-ins
shouldn't be punished.
He should be commended.
A security breach
is never pretty, Jerry.
It makes me ask questions
I don't want to ask.
Like, why is it so dark in here?
- Ah, better.
- -I only gave Matt one excuse, sir.
He was in trouble.
- The Musso Excuse file.
- Classified.
We're talking sacred
best-bud trust here.
You can't just share
our secrets with every
smooth operator
that comes along.
You crossed the line, Jerry.
I'm disappointed in you, sir.
- Envy doesn't become you.
- Recommendation?
- Paint it black.
- -Temporary suspension of file privileges.
Effective immediately.
I couldn't get Jerry
out of my mind.
He was the consummate side-kick
A combination of
Tonto and Spock,
without the fashion sense.
But still, it was Jerry, right?
Was I punishing him
just because he
buddied up with Matt?
And after President Matt Stiles
signed the Emancipation
Proclamation into law,
- the country began to prosper.
- Huh?
All because of this one man.
Matt Stiles.
Re-elected to an unprecedented
six consecutive terms.
Even today, Matt remains
one of America's
most popular presidents.
You know, Matt Stiles
was born in a cabin that he
helped his father build.
You all right, Park?
You kinda got
a Keith Richards' flesh tone
thing happening.
Donna Sue!
I've known her
since eighth grade,
and I've only gotten
that close to her
in my dreams.
Matt's only been here
a week, and...
I'll see you Friday night, Matt.
- I came to turn in my coat and my glasses.
- -Turn 'em in?
I accepted
a high-level position
in another organization.
- Gee, let me guess.
- Don't tell me, you'll be...
- Working with Matt.
- It's a career opportunity advancement I can't pass up.
- No more third banana work for me.
- I'm a second banana now.
- What's that, sir?
- Chapped lips? I'm on it.
Well, got to go.
- Come on, Park.
- What's Matt got, that you don't?
My business, my girl,
and now, my bud.
(P
(PLE
(PLEAS
(PLEASE
(PLEASE MR
(PLEASE MR.
(PLEASE MR. PO
(PLEASE MR. POST
(PLEASE MR. POSTMA
(PLEASE MR. POSTMAN
(PLEASE MR. POSTMAN PL
(PLEASE MR. POSTMAN PLAY
(PLEASE MR. POSTMAN PLAYIN
Hey, Park. Come on, join in.
What are you guys
so happy about?
There's a rumor that a new
video store is being built
down the block.
And our sales are way down.
When they open the new place,
they'll effectively ruin us.
Mental note,
check Kool-Aid
for fermentation.
I know what you're thinking.
How can Mom and
I be dancing, laughing,
even celebrating...
When financial collapse is
only 10 days away.
- It occurred to me.
- -But Park, when times get tough,
- we Lewis' get happy.
- -We're going to drop our prices.
- We're going to double our advertising.
- We're going to compete so hard...
That new store will
be too scared
to even sign their lease.
- Yes!
- Yes!
- Another mental note.
- Hide their copy of The Big Chill.
When times are hard,
the Lewis' get happy,
and busy, and tough.
Matt Stiles is in
for the fight of his life.
- Great news.
- I got Corey Feldman to speak at the pep rally.
Bad news. Matt got
Arnold Schwarzenegger
to do a walk on
in the school play.
Hey, guys. New soda machine
courtesy of Parker Lewis.
New cappuccino machine,
courtesy of Matt Stiles.
Top this.
Word is he's got
Keifer Sutherland showing up
to crank the spit.
Don't worry, be happy.
Is it my imagination,
or is Matt Stiles
just beginning
to get the upper hand here?
I need time to think this over.
Freshman applicant number 17.
Now just relax
and tell us a little bit
about yourself.
- Okay, sir.
- Name's Jerry Steiner.
I'll be starting freshman
this fall.
My hobbies are collecting
Star Trek figurines
and developing
medical breakthroughs
in laser technology.
Can you make a decent sandwich?
I can my own jams and jellies.
- Who's the most beautiful babe on this planet?
- -It's Judy Jetson.
- Ah, the good old days.
- It's like Jerry was still with me.
- Mr. Lewis?
- Jerry?
- What's up?
-Nothing much.
Just thought I'd say hi.
Great. So, how's your new job?
It's a lot of responsibility,
but Matt's a fair
and honest employer.
Coolness. Hmph.
I hope he's a really
good friend, too.
- Have you found my replacement, yet?
- -No, not yet,
but it shouldn't be too hard.
There's been
a lot of people enquiring.
Listen, Jer,
about the suspension...
Yes?-
- It's Matt's lunch order.
- Got to trim the fat off his corned beef.
- Got to go!
- Licking your wounds, Lewis?
- Matt Stiles.
Come up here
to survey your kingdom?
How does it feel, Parker,
being in someone else's
shadow?
To be completely anonymous
in a school you once owned.
It blows.
Not a problem.
You still don't remember me,
do ya?
- It's okay if you don't remember.
- I remember it all.
We went to grade school
together.
And everything I did,
you did better than me.
If I got a gold star
on a test, you got two.
If I bought a hamster
to show and tell,
you bought Benji.
If I was a shepherd
in the Christmas pageant,
you were the Christ child.
- I hate your guts, Parker.
- Well, that's too bad.
'Cause you're going
to need a friend
when you take your fall.
Don't make me laugh.
I've taken everything
you've owned
and made it mine.
- And you know what?
- I love it.
Can you say
unstable psychotic,
boys and girls?
Well, enjoy the feeling.
Oh, you've got something else
in that arsenal of yours?
Definitely.
- Well, maybe.
- Okay, probably.
Jeez, I have no idea.
Consider yourself warned.
What are you doing?
That's Ms. Musso's grade file.
You said we were going
to use her copier
to Xerox our butts.
- What's the problem?
- You do this kind of work for Parker all the time.
No, those are missions
of mercy or outright
self-defense.
- You just want to change your grades.
- Parker would never do that.
Just watch the door, will ya?
Sir, you shouldn't.
Please.
- I got him, Ms. Musso.
- Huh?
I was walking by your office
and I saw Steiner here,
going through your files.
Look, he's even got a lock pick.
Please, sirs, you've got
to help me.
Musso's holding
my disciplinary hearing
this afternoon.
I'm going to spend
the next ten years
as a freshman.
Wow, that's longer than Kubiac.
Sorry, Jer, go to your pal.
I'm sure Mr. Matt
will know what to do.
Coldness, Park.
Mikey, would I ever let
a best bud down?
- You mean...
- It's operation "Splat Matt".
Matt, stop! You can't
do this to me.
- I was your personal Ed McMahon.
- -Well, you still are.
That's why
you're getting nailed
instead of me.
Matt, I thought you were
my friend.
- First mistake.
- Second mistake was being in Musso's office
when I broke into the files.
You could try to
tell them the truth, but,
no one's going to believe
your word against mine.
Before I sentence Mr. Steiner,
regulations require
that I listen
to student opinion,
on the character of the accused.
Go ahead.
Let's talk about
a disciplinary classic.
The Sweatbox.
Personally, I don't think
Jerry's to blame for this.
Parker is. Yes,
expel Parker Lewis.
Jerry, bad. Bad boy.
Eat now?
- Look, Jerry Steiner wouldn't tamper with Ms.
- Musso's grade file.
He doesn't operate that way.
Those who know Jerry
know all about his loyalty,
his business savvy,
his delicious
jams and jellies.
Maybe we don't hang around
that much anymore,
but he's still a best bud to me.
And the envelope, please.
Brilliant, Lewis. Oscar tap.
Mr. Stiles.
- Hey, come on, man.
- Give the kid a break.
- We'll do everything we can for you, I promise.
- -You can take a flying...
Stiles? Now.
Then, when I saw Jerry
breaking into
Musso's grade file,
I said, "You shouldn't change
your grades, Jer.
"It's not fair
to the other students."
But, he didn't listen to me.
But I was listening, Matt.
- Jerry cannot be trusted.
- Believe me, I've seen the type before.
Matt,
I thought you were my friend.
- First mistake.
- Second mistake was being in Musso's office
when I broke into the files.
You could try to tell them
the truth, but,
no one's going to believe
your word against mine.
Crowd control to Major Tom,
we have achieved coolness.
- Let's face the facts.
- Musso and the kids at this school
are phenomenally stupid.
- Especially, that lummox Kubiac.
- They don't come any dumber.
I'd pity them
if I didn't enjoy taking
their money so much.
- Everybody out!
- Go, go, go.
Not so fast, Mr. Stiles.
We need to discuss
your future. Have a seat.
I don't know how to thank you.
Mr. Lewis? Mr. Lewis,
I can't thank you enough.
- Not a problem.
- Mr. Lewis.
- I was just trying
to find the proper words to...
- Thank me? No need.
But Mr. Lewis,
I didn't deserve your help.
I crossed over to the dark side.
You should've let me
rot in detention
like the miserable
misguided youth that I am.
- You're right.
- But, sir...
- Ah, still fits, sirs.
- Boys are back in town.
- Parker, how come you never called?
- -Not a problem.
Lunch gone. Still hungry.
Even though Matt's guilty,
I don't think I should let
Kubiac do this.
If I do, then I'm no better
than he is.
I'll just have to learn
to live with myself.
Shall we?
Donna Sue's come
to her senses,
and Jerry's back.
All in all, not
a bad day's work.
What's Matt got
that I haven't got?
With buds like these,
it didn't matter.
Aw, too bad, Parker.
Looks like the bleach
has ruined your
brand new jeans.
Couldn't be, Shell,
I'm wearing them.
- Hmm.
- Well, then whose are...
- Mr. Lewis? Mr. Randall?
- Mr. Phillips?
Hello?