Parker Lewis Can't Lose (1990–1993): Season 1, Episode 3 - Power Play - full transcript
There's a disturbance in the force as their can't be two Parker Lewis's. A new student at Santo Domingo threatens to steal Parker's glory as he's able to outdo Parker at every turn. In the blink of an eye Parker is no longer the coolest kid in school and struggles to keep his sanity. Parker's world is crumbling around him unless he can find a way to beat Matt Stiles.
Uh... Ah!
Who wants more huevos rancheros?
Argh.
- Really? No!
- No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, come on! No way.
No.
Parker, hurry up in there!
- Don't use all the mouthwash!
- I forgot to gargle.
High school elections,
what a load!
So many promises,
so many slogans,
so many teeth.
Every semester,
it's the same thing.
A pagan ritual zaps
the hot button of
junior political zealots.
You know, those Ernie geeks
who C-SPAN every night
instead of MTV
and hope against hope to be
a future congressman
or senator.
It's the dawn of
the new relevancy,
but only if we embrace
our tomorrows.
Take Becky Grant,
for her, the race for
junior class president
is a holy quest.
The vision to see it
and greet it.
I actually sent Becky
a love note in the 4th grade.
She said she was saving
herself for Tom Brokaw.
I say, apathy is
the Orwellian prologue,
and we all know what that means.
For entertainment,
there's Conrad Fleck.
Candidate by desire,
doofus by destiny.
Hi, Conrad Fleck for...
My fault, sorry.-
- Who runs in these stupid elections?
- Give it up now
for your next
junior class president...
Parker Lewis!
- Hey, don't look at me.
- I don't even know what channel C-SPAN is on.
I'm just running to keep
our principal under control.
Well, Park, you like 'em?
Coolness.
Mr. Lewis, I mean,
Mr. President. Mr. Randall.
Sirs!
Jerry, I haven't won yet.
Results of my morning poll
may interest you.
Walk with me, talk with me.
Responding to the question,
"If the election were
held today, who would
get your vote?"
Fifty-one percent said you,
a mere 30%
said Becky Grant.
Point 000% said Conrad Fleck,
and the remaining 19%
was split between undecided
and those favoring Johnny Depp.
It's not a perfect sample.
By next period, I'll have
the results cross-indexed
by sex, homeroom and
favorite cafeteria table, sir.
- It's no problem, really.
- I'll just skip my mid-term.
All this,
and he's housebroken too.
Autograph my poster, Parker?
Sure.
Like those buttons.
Frank Lemmer,
the principal's flunky.
They're running a picture
of his spine on milk cartons.
So,
campaigning after
the passing period,
eh, Lewis?
Hey, Lemmer!
Better hide! I heard they're
spraying for cockroaches!
I guess we told him.
It's bad enough
we get hauled into
the principal's office,
now we have to age prematurely
listening to this muzak.
Grace Musso,
more than a principal,
a psychopath with tenure.
Campaigning after the late bell.
- No, Miss Musso, we were...
- Do you know what happens
when candidates violate
the rules of campaigning,
thumb their noses
at regulations,
consider themselves
above the law?
They get elected
to second terms?
I did not invite you in here
to make fun of me!
Will that be all then?-
I want you to know
I've got your number, Lewis.
I know why you're
in this election!
For one reason,
and one reason alone.
To get in office and
exploit the many favors
that fall to student officers,
but it won't work!
It won't! It won't! It won't!
But, Miss Musso,
our poster says
he's a lock to win it.
Silence!
Oh, I can tolerate
a lot of things
on this campus.
The smoking
in the girls' room,
the fist fights,
the way the boys on
the basketball team
always leering at me.
But the last thing I want is
Parker Lewis to be the next
junior class president!
As if I needed more motivation.
I'm prepared to
bribe you to drop out
if that's what it takes.
The candidate doesn't
want the perks of office!
The candidate doesn't
need favors!
The candidate is running
because prior student
governments were mere puppets,
rubber stamps of
the school administration.
The candidate is only running
to restore independence
and high moral character
to the office.
That's sick!
- There he is!
- I got him!-
Coolness.
Smile!
I begin to sense momentum.
My latest poll has
Becky Grant down two points,
both of which, I'm happy
to say, you've picked up, sir.
Friday, if you want,
the drill team will spell out
"E Pluribus Parker"
at half-time.
We're already ahead. Let's not
run Becky into the ground.
Since when did you catch
a fever for Becky Grant?
I don't have a fever
for Becky Grant.
Hope she's not too bummed
about all this.
Mental note, find key
staff position for her.
What about Conrad Fleck?
- Vote for Fleck.
- Conrad Fleck for president.
Vote for...
So much for the Fleck factor.
Get your Parker Lewis
buttons here!
Shelly, helping?
- You get your choice.
- "Parker Lewis stinks", "Parker Lewis reeks",
"Parker Lewis is the lapdog
stooge of the administration."
Mikey, up for
a little pest control?
Not a problem!
Ahhh!
Shall we?
I gotta get more peas.
Okay.
A vote for Grant
is a vote for democracy.
Who says the student council
has to be a puppet
of the administration?
Who says we have to
settle for mediocrity?
A strange feeling
is sweeping over me.
I'm not proud of it,
I'm not happy about it,
but it's there.
Vote for Grant.
It's respect.
Over the years, the Parker-cam
had been many places.
Classrooms, closets,
locker rooms.
Now, it was boldly going where
no Parker-cam had gone before.
How dare you guys bug
Becky's campaign meeting?
How can you invade
her privacy like this?
I won't have anything
to do with it!
Hey, she's talkin' about you!
Crank it up!
- How can you say Parker Lewis is going to win?
- He can't!
I'm just as good as he is,
if not better.
All he is
is a master of self-promotion.
I think I've heard enough.
No. Shh! Wait.
Becky, I'm sorry, but
the election's Monday
- and he keeps pulling ahead.
- He's unstoppable!
Ha!
Did you hear that, Park,
"unstoppable"? Unstoppable!
Excellent, sir.-
Okay, guys.
I guess I can let
your sister out now, huh?
Yeah, I guess.-
I'll help you, Mr. Randall.
That dumpster lid's
pretty heavy.
I should have known
not to get my hopes up
for a stupid election.
Becky, you did great!
Besides, we know how hard it
is to campaign around your job
and all your volunteer work.
- Busy girl.
- I wonder if she has time for dating.
You wanna know
what really hurts?
Getting done in
by some glad-hander
running a popularity contest.
- Mental note.
- Dating question, now moot.
Just remind
me this next time I say
I wanna make a difference,
so I'll know not to bother.
- Oh, great!
- Doesn't this make me feel wonderful?
This terrific girl gets her
whole sense of higher purpose
punctured, and I'm to blame.
The way I see it,
this cuts one of two ways.
If she wins this election,
it would be just the start
of a brilliant career in
public service for Becky.
Congress, the Senate,
maybe the Supreme Court.
And if she loses...-
The answer is clear.
I have to do the unthinkable.
I have to lose this election.
I made my decision
and it feels good.
Truth was, Becky Grant
needed to win this election,
I only wanted it.
And if student government
needed somebody to
stand up to Musso,
Becky could handle that.
And look mighty fine doing it.
Time to share the news
with my campaign staff.
I can't wait to see their faces.
What will me being
class president give us
that we don't already have?
Access to the roof,
unlimited hall passes,
cheerleaders who find us
irresistible?
If anything, we'll have
a better time!
And why?
Because Miss Musso will
have her hands so full
with Becky Grant,
she won't have time
to hassle with us!
Now the trick would be
to lose without Becky knowing
we threw it.
- We had to conduct a covert action.
- Yes, a guerilla war.
We'd sabotage our own campaign.
We spent all night
tearing down my posters,
a surefire deathblow
to my campaign.
This is major coolness, guys.
I tell you, Park,
there's something not right
about tearing down posters
in the middle of the night.
It's sneaky, underhanded.
We should be doing it to them.
Mr. Randall's right, sir.
Abetting in your political
suicide flies in the face
of my entire belief system.
But I want you to.
You think we got 'em all?
Maybe
my ingenious plan
is going to work after all.
Parker, it's horrible!
Maybe not.
We found these
in the recycling bin.
Smells like Musso's work to me!
Or maybe it's that dude Lemmer.
Or that Becky Grant!
Well, whoever it was,
we're not gonna let 'em
rip off this election from
Parker Lewis, are we?
No!
- What?
- Was It's a Wonderful Life on cable last night?
Whatever happened to apathy.
Give me the students
that don't care.
I wanted my campaign
to lose steam, instead...
You're up five percent
in the poll, sir.
- This isn't working.
- I need negative impact, and quick.
If you want my opinion,
I think that this school
would be a whole lot better
if it weren't for those
lazy, lard-butt losers that
we call a football team!
Huh?
So much for
Flamingo Defamation Plan B.
Hey, Park, lighten up.
It's not over until
the fat lady sings.
- Oh, good idea.
- I'll get Roseanne Barr
to sing at my campaign rally
and lose for sure.
You know, I was thinkin'
if you really wanted
to change votes,
what would it take?
- Yeah?
- Well...
You know, those Depeche Mode
tickets you're selling.
It might be able to be
swapped for a vote or two.
And then they said
if I tried to bribe anyone
else to vote against you,
they would solder my mouth shut.
Boy, that is
one tough chess club!
Who says we have to
take comfort in mediocrity?
Isn't it time we broke free
from the servile mentality?
She doesn't give up,
does she, sir?
No, she doesn't.
And seeing her courage
to press on
makes my adrenaline flow,
my heart race,
or is it just seeing her?
Well, she ought to
just pull the plug.
She's not match even
when you try to lose.
And you tried everything.
Have I?
I want a debate.
I promise to work hard
every day after school.
- I promise to work
after school, too...
- Parker! Parker!
On my tan.
I would, uh,
just like to say that
if you...
If elected,
I would form a student
cafeteria-menu committee.
- If I win...
- Parker! Parker!
I'm going to be late and lazy.
Elect me...
Your, uh...
My task would be to gain your...
Parker! Parker!
Trust.
I'm not gonna do anything.
Parker! Parker!
You're crazy if you vote for me.
- Memo to Dukakis.
- Next time, try to lose.
- What now, Parker?
- Come to gloat?
Gloat?
No way. I wanted to say
I'm sorry.
Just what are you up to?
I'm...
I'm trying to tell you that
I really
am sorry about what happened
at the debate.
- Good.
- She'll listen to reason.
What I'm saying is
I like you
and although we are
opponents in this campaign,
I really,
really want you to win.
She's putty in my hands.
Don't insult my intelligence.
She's out of here.
No, I'm not gonna
read you any speech,
but I am gonna tell you a story.
Well, Park, honey, why don't
you just drop out of the race?
It wouldn't do any good, Mom!
Jerry's latest poll said...
If you took yourself
off the ballot, you'd
still win on write-ins.
In fact, sir,
according to those responding,
if you were arrested for
stealing from an orphanage,
got sentenced to prison
without chance of parole,
and got killed while
trying to escape,
you'd still win
by 17.8 percent.
- Mental note.
- Jerry needs a woman.
It's all manure.
- Oh, come on.
- You were the one who led
the voter registration drive
in college.
Well, I believed
in that Gene McCartney guy.
McCarthy, dear!
Asking my parents
for political advice
is like checking for
a gas leak with a match.
You find what you're
looking for, but you're lucky
to get out alive.
But I'm not leaving
anything to luck.
It's election day,
and I'm gonna lose
the old-fashioned way.
Bribery.
- How many so far?
- Uh, 16 voters.
Everyone else on
the nurse's office list
is scheduled for surgery.
Oh? They don't like CDs?
- Thanks for coming in and vote for Becky today.
- Here's your CD.
Aerosmith? Cool!
Face it, Park, you're
the next class president
whether you like it or not.
If you wanna blow
this kind of momentum,
it would take an act so ugly,
more heinous than
this school has ever seen!
Forget heinous! It'd
have to be an atrocity!
Atrocity coming right up.
The last thing...
The last thing I want...
I want...
A video nip here,
an audio tuck there.
I wonder if this is how
Spike Lee got started.
For Parker Lewis to be the
next junior class pres...
Hey, Park,
lighten up, huh? You're
gonna give me nightmares.
Jerry, set up the tape deck.
How much longer
till the election assembly?
About 20 minutes.
Hey, Park, what are you up to?
Gentlemen, synchronize Swatches!
It's Operation Parker-gate!
Next, I'd like to recognize...
all of the fine young
students who have
worked so hard...
I'm gonna stand right up here
till you stop!
That's better.
This is not a Banana Republic!
Now,
before you go, cast your votes,
I'd like you to give
a round of applause
for all of the candidates
gathered here today.
Parker! Parker! Parker!
Remember,
your vote is important.
All students should enter
and exit the polling place
in an orderly fashion.
- Five.
- Four.
- Three.
- Two.
One.
Now!
I want Parker Lewis
to be the next junior
class president!
I want Parker Lewis to be the
next junior class president!
I want Parker Lewis...
Look bewildered now,
Parker. Think Reagan. Reagan!
I want Parker Lewis
to be the next junior
class president!
I want Parker Lewis to be
the next junior class...
Coolness, Park. Coolness
as far as the eye can see.
Nobody can bang the brakes
like you did.
Sir, it's one for the books.
The biggest voter turnout
in history,
all just to banish you
from office.
I'm touched.
According to the final count,
you came in dead last.
Becky Grant beat you,
Conrad Fleck beat you.
Fleck beat me?
I came in third
to the fountain of goof?
No, Johnny Depp beat you, too.
So did Bart Simpson.
And the two write-ins for
that genie on
Pee-wee's Playhouse.
Exactly how many votes
did I get?
Vote, sir.
- Vote.
- Lewis.
I'm so sorry about
your humiliating defeat.
My sincerest condolences.
As for that phantom endorsement,
I have no idea
how that happened.
Solar flare maybe.
It's against my policy
to endorse candidates.
It might have a subtle effect
on the outcome.
Yes, and Hurricane
Hugo had a subtle effect
on beach parties.
One vote.
One lousy vote.
Sure I feel good about losing
so Becky could win,
but one vote?
I wonder, did I get
caught up in the trap
of peer validation?
Did I want too much
by wanting it both ways?
Did Johnny Depp use
gel of mousse?
I had done the right thing,
and I feel good,
but I want to feel better.
I mean, where's the reward?
Well, that was some campaign,
Parker.
Hope you don't mind,
I voted for you.
You?
Why?
For sending all your votes
my way.
- But...
- Don't bother explaining.
I know what you're capable of,
Parker Lewis.
Not a problem.
Well, listen,
if there's anything
you ever need...
I mean, anything
I can do for you.
Well,
how would you feel about, maybe,
going out with a loser?
Not a problem.
Parker, where's the toothpaste?
You're welcome.
What?
Haven't you ever seen anybody
brush their teeth before?
Mom!
Not a problem.
Mr. Lewis.
Mr. Randall.
Mr. Phillips!
Hello!
Who wants more huevos rancheros?
Argh.
- Really? No!
- No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, come on! No way.
No.
Parker, hurry up in there!
- Don't use all the mouthwash!
- I forgot to gargle.
High school elections,
what a load!
So many promises,
so many slogans,
so many teeth.
Every semester,
it's the same thing.
A pagan ritual zaps
the hot button of
junior political zealots.
You know, those Ernie geeks
who C-SPAN every night
instead of MTV
and hope against hope to be
a future congressman
or senator.
It's the dawn of
the new relevancy,
but only if we embrace
our tomorrows.
Take Becky Grant,
for her, the race for
junior class president
is a holy quest.
The vision to see it
and greet it.
I actually sent Becky
a love note in the 4th grade.
She said she was saving
herself for Tom Brokaw.
I say, apathy is
the Orwellian prologue,
and we all know what that means.
For entertainment,
there's Conrad Fleck.
Candidate by desire,
doofus by destiny.
Hi, Conrad Fleck for...
My fault, sorry.-
- Who runs in these stupid elections?
- Give it up now
for your next
junior class president...
Parker Lewis!
- Hey, don't look at me.
- I don't even know what channel C-SPAN is on.
I'm just running to keep
our principal under control.
Well, Park, you like 'em?
Coolness.
Mr. Lewis, I mean,
Mr. President. Mr. Randall.
Sirs!
Jerry, I haven't won yet.
Results of my morning poll
may interest you.
Walk with me, talk with me.
Responding to the question,
"If the election were
held today, who would
get your vote?"
Fifty-one percent said you,
a mere 30%
said Becky Grant.
Point 000% said Conrad Fleck,
and the remaining 19%
was split between undecided
and those favoring Johnny Depp.
It's not a perfect sample.
By next period, I'll have
the results cross-indexed
by sex, homeroom and
favorite cafeteria table, sir.
- It's no problem, really.
- I'll just skip my mid-term.
All this,
and he's housebroken too.
Autograph my poster, Parker?
Sure.
Like those buttons.
Frank Lemmer,
the principal's flunky.
They're running a picture
of his spine on milk cartons.
So,
campaigning after
the passing period,
eh, Lewis?
Hey, Lemmer!
Better hide! I heard they're
spraying for cockroaches!
I guess we told him.
It's bad enough
we get hauled into
the principal's office,
now we have to age prematurely
listening to this muzak.
Grace Musso,
more than a principal,
a psychopath with tenure.
Campaigning after the late bell.
- No, Miss Musso, we were...
- Do you know what happens
when candidates violate
the rules of campaigning,
thumb their noses
at regulations,
consider themselves
above the law?
They get elected
to second terms?
I did not invite you in here
to make fun of me!
Will that be all then?-
I want you to know
I've got your number, Lewis.
I know why you're
in this election!
For one reason,
and one reason alone.
To get in office and
exploit the many favors
that fall to student officers,
but it won't work!
It won't! It won't! It won't!
But, Miss Musso,
our poster says
he's a lock to win it.
Silence!
Oh, I can tolerate
a lot of things
on this campus.
The smoking
in the girls' room,
the fist fights,
the way the boys on
the basketball team
always leering at me.
But the last thing I want is
Parker Lewis to be the next
junior class president!
As if I needed more motivation.
I'm prepared to
bribe you to drop out
if that's what it takes.
The candidate doesn't
want the perks of office!
The candidate doesn't
need favors!
The candidate is running
because prior student
governments were mere puppets,
rubber stamps of
the school administration.
The candidate is only running
to restore independence
and high moral character
to the office.
That's sick!
- There he is!
- I got him!-
Coolness.
Smile!
I begin to sense momentum.
My latest poll has
Becky Grant down two points,
both of which, I'm happy
to say, you've picked up, sir.
Friday, if you want,
the drill team will spell out
"E Pluribus Parker"
at half-time.
We're already ahead. Let's not
run Becky into the ground.
Since when did you catch
a fever for Becky Grant?
I don't have a fever
for Becky Grant.
Hope she's not too bummed
about all this.
Mental note, find key
staff position for her.
What about Conrad Fleck?
- Vote for Fleck.
- Conrad Fleck for president.
Vote for...
So much for the Fleck factor.
Get your Parker Lewis
buttons here!
Shelly, helping?
- You get your choice.
- "Parker Lewis stinks", "Parker Lewis reeks",
"Parker Lewis is the lapdog
stooge of the administration."
Mikey, up for
a little pest control?
Not a problem!
Ahhh!
Shall we?
I gotta get more peas.
Okay.
A vote for Grant
is a vote for democracy.
Who says the student council
has to be a puppet
of the administration?
Who says we have to
settle for mediocrity?
A strange feeling
is sweeping over me.
I'm not proud of it,
I'm not happy about it,
but it's there.
Vote for Grant.
It's respect.
Over the years, the Parker-cam
had been many places.
Classrooms, closets,
locker rooms.
Now, it was boldly going where
no Parker-cam had gone before.
How dare you guys bug
Becky's campaign meeting?
How can you invade
her privacy like this?
I won't have anything
to do with it!
Hey, she's talkin' about you!
Crank it up!
- How can you say Parker Lewis is going to win?
- He can't!
I'm just as good as he is,
if not better.
All he is
is a master of self-promotion.
I think I've heard enough.
No. Shh! Wait.
Becky, I'm sorry, but
the election's Monday
- and he keeps pulling ahead.
- He's unstoppable!
Ha!
Did you hear that, Park,
"unstoppable"? Unstoppable!
Excellent, sir.-
Okay, guys.
I guess I can let
your sister out now, huh?
Yeah, I guess.-
I'll help you, Mr. Randall.
That dumpster lid's
pretty heavy.
I should have known
not to get my hopes up
for a stupid election.
Becky, you did great!
Besides, we know how hard it
is to campaign around your job
and all your volunteer work.
- Busy girl.
- I wonder if she has time for dating.
You wanna know
what really hurts?
Getting done in
by some glad-hander
running a popularity contest.
- Mental note.
- Dating question, now moot.
Just remind
me this next time I say
I wanna make a difference,
so I'll know not to bother.
- Oh, great!
- Doesn't this make me feel wonderful?
This terrific girl gets her
whole sense of higher purpose
punctured, and I'm to blame.
The way I see it,
this cuts one of two ways.
If she wins this election,
it would be just the start
of a brilliant career in
public service for Becky.
Congress, the Senate,
maybe the Supreme Court.
And if she loses...-
The answer is clear.
I have to do the unthinkable.
I have to lose this election.
I made my decision
and it feels good.
Truth was, Becky Grant
needed to win this election,
I only wanted it.
And if student government
needed somebody to
stand up to Musso,
Becky could handle that.
And look mighty fine doing it.
Time to share the news
with my campaign staff.
I can't wait to see their faces.
What will me being
class president give us
that we don't already have?
Access to the roof,
unlimited hall passes,
cheerleaders who find us
irresistible?
If anything, we'll have
a better time!
And why?
Because Miss Musso will
have her hands so full
with Becky Grant,
she won't have time
to hassle with us!
Now the trick would be
to lose without Becky knowing
we threw it.
- We had to conduct a covert action.
- Yes, a guerilla war.
We'd sabotage our own campaign.
We spent all night
tearing down my posters,
a surefire deathblow
to my campaign.
This is major coolness, guys.
I tell you, Park,
there's something not right
about tearing down posters
in the middle of the night.
It's sneaky, underhanded.
We should be doing it to them.
Mr. Randall's right, sir.
Abetting in your political
suicide flies in the face
of my entire belief system.
But I want you to.
You think we got 'em all?
Maybe
my ingenious plan
is going to work after all.
Parker, it's horrible!
Maybe not.
We found these
in the recycling bin.
Smells like Musso's work to me!
Or maybe it's that dude Lemmer.
Or that Becky Grant!
Well, whoever it was,
we're not gonna let 'em
rip off this election from
Parker Lewis, are we?
No!
- What?
- Was It's a Wonderful Life on cable last night?
Whatever happened to apathy.
Give me the students
that don't care.
I wanted my campaign
to lose steam, instead...
You're up five percent
in the poll, sir.
- This isn't working.
- I need negative impact, and quick.
If you want my opinion,
I think that this school
would be a whole lot better
if it weren't for those
lazy, lard-butt losers that
we call a football team!
Huh?
So much for
Flamingo Defamation Plan B.
Hey, Park, lighten up.
It's not over until
the fat lady sings.
- Oh, good idea.
- I'll get Roseanne Barr
to sing at my campaign rally
and lose for sure.
You know, I was thinkin'
if you really wanted
to change votes,
what would it take?
- Yeah?
- Well...
You know, those Depeche Mode
tickets you're selling.
It might be able to be
swapped for a vote or two.
And then they said
if I tried to bribe anyone
else to vote against you,
they would solder my mouth shut.
Boy, that is
one tough chess club!
Who says we have to
take comfort in mediocrity?
Isn't it time we broke free
from the servile mentality?
She doesn't give up,
does she, sir?
No, she doesn't.
And seeing her courage
to press on
makes my adrenaline flow,
my heart race,
or is it just seeing her?
Well, she ought to
just pull the plug.
She's not match even
when you try to lose.
And you tried everything.
Have I?
I want a debate.
I promise to work hard
every day after school.
- I promise to work
after school, too...
- Parker! Parker!
On my tan.
I would, uh,
just like to say that
if you...
If elected,
I would form a student
cafeteria-menu committee.
- If I win...
- Parker! Parker!
I'm going to be late and lazy.
Elect me...
Your, uh...
My task would be to gain your...
Parker! Parker!
Trust.
I'm not gonna do anything.
Parker! Parker!
You're crazy if you vote for me.
- Memo to Dukakis.
- Next time, try to lose.
- What now, Parker?
- Come to gloat?
Gloat?
No way. I wanted to say
I'm sorry.
Just what are you up to?
I'm...
I'm trying to tell you that
I really
am sorry about what happened
at the debate.
- Good.
- She'll listen to reason.
What I'm saying is
I like you
and although we are
opponents in this campaign,
I really,
really want you to win.
She's putty in my hands.
Don't insult my intelligence.
She's out of here.
No, I'm not gonna
read you any speech,
but I am gonna tell you a story.
Well, Park, honey, why don't
you just drop out of the race?
It wouldn't do any good, Mom!
Jerry's latest poll said...
If you took yourself
off the ballot, you'd
still win on write-ins.
In fact, sir,
according to those responding,
if you were arrested for
stealing from an orphanage,
got sentenced to prison
without chance of parole,
and got killed while
trying to escape,
you'd still win
by 17.8 percent.
- Mental note.
- Jerry needs a woman.
It's all manure.
- Oh, come on.
- You were the one who led
the voter registration drive
in college.
Well, I believed
in that Gene McCartney guy.
McCarthy, dear!
Asking my parents
for political advice
is like checking for
a gas leak with a match.
You find what you're
looking for, but you're lucky
to get out alive.
But I'm not leaving
anything to luck.
It's election day,
and I'm gonna lose
the old-fashioned way.
Bribery.
- How many so far?
- Uh, 16 voters.
Everyone else on
the nurse's office list
is scheduled for surgery.
Oh? They don't like CDs?
- Thanks for coming in and vote for Becky today.
- Here's your CD.
Aerosmith? Cool!
Face it, Park, you're
the next class president
whether you like it or not.
If you wanna blow
this kind of momentum,
it would take an act so ugly,
more heinous than
this school has ever seen!
Forget heinous! It'd
have to be an atrocity!
Atrocity coming right up.
The last thing...
The last thing I want...
I want...
A video nip here,
an audio tuck there.
I wonder if this is how
Spike Lee got started.
For Parker Lewis to be the
next junior class pres...
Hey, Park,
lighten up, huh? You're
gonna give me nightmares.
Jerry, set up the tape deck.
How much longer
till the election assembly?
About 20 minutes.
Hey, Park, what are you up to?
Gentlemen, synchronize Swatches!
It's Operation Parker-gate!
Next, I'd like to recognize...
all of the fine young
students who have
worked so hard...
I'm gonna stand right up here
till you stop!
That's better.
This is not a Banana Republic!
Now,
before you go, cast your votes,
I'd like you to give
a round of applause
for all of the candidates
gathered here today.
Parker! Parker! Parker!
Remember,
your vote is important.
All students should enter
and exit the polling place
in an orderly fashion.
- Five.
- Four.
- Three.
- Two.
One.
Now!
I want Parker Lewis
to be the next junior
class president!
I want Parker Lewis to be the
next junior class president!
I want Parker Lewis...
Look bewildered now,
Parker. Think Reagan. Reagan!
I want Parker Lewis
to be the next junior
class president!
I want Parker Lewis to be
the next junior class...
Coolness, Park. Coolness
as far as the eye can see.
Nobody can bang the brakes
like you did.
Sir, it's one for the books.
The biggest voter turnout
in history,
all just to banish you
from office.
I'm touched.
According to the final count,
you came in dead last.
Becky Grant beat you,
Conrad Fleck beat you.
Fleck beat me?
I came in third
to the fountain of goof?
No, Johnny Depp beat you, too.
So did Bart Simpson.
And the two write-ins for
that genie on
Pee-wee's Playhouse.
Exactly how many votes
did I get?
Vote, sir.
- Vote.
- Lewis.
I'm so sorry about
your humiliating defeat.
My sincerest condolences.
As for that phantom endorsement,
I have no idea
how that happened.
Solar flare maybe.
It's against my policy
to endorse candidates.
It might have a subtle effect
on the outcome.
Yes, and Hurricane
Hugo had a subtle effect
on beach parties.
One vote.
One lousy vote.
Sure I feel good about losing
so Becky could win,
but one vote?
I wonder, did I get
caught up in the trap
of peer validation?
Did I want too much
by wanting it both ways?
Did Johnny Depp use
gel of mousse?
I had done the right thing,
and I feel good,
but I want to feel better.
I mean, where's the reward?
Well, that was some campaign,
Parker.
Hope you don't mind,
I voted for you.
You?
Why?
For sending all your votes
my way.
- But...
- Don't bother explaining.
I know what you're capable of,
Parker Lewis.
Not a problem.
Well, listen,
if there's anything
you ever need...
I mean, anything
I can do for you.
Well,
how would you feel about, maybe,
going out with a loser?
Not a problem.
Parker, where's the toothpaste?
You're welcome.
What?
Haven't you ever seen anybody
brush their teeth before?
Mom!
Not a problem.
Mr. Lewis.
Mr. Randall.
Mr. Phillips!
Hello!