Parker Lewis Can't Lose (1990–1993): Season 1, Episode 16 - Jerry: Portrait of a Video Junkie - full transcript
Jerry's constantly submersing himself into computers, school, and various other forms of geekery. Now Jerry's been immersing himself into video games and finds himself addicted. When Jerry starts slipping at everything else in his life Parker and Mikey have to help out their friend. The mission proves to be tricky and Jerry circles the drain of failure.
Prepare to meet
your doom, Steiner.
For some kids, it's
a big glass of chocolate milk.
For others, it's reruns
of Lost in Space.
But when the pressures of
being a teenager get to be
too much for Jerry Steiner,
he turns to his
little bleeping buddy,
the computer game.
Hello.
Oh. Hello, Mother.
But...
Wha...
What?
Has there been an accident?
A death in the family?
Worse.
My mother's coming to visit.
He's been like that for days.
Isn't that nice?
Kubiac thinks he found a friend.
Where's my help with
geography test?
Oh, well, that...
That's sort of Jerry's
department
Not a problem.
Oh, oh, Jerry?
Oh, oh, Jerry!
Sorry I'm late, sirs.
You know we had an appointment
with Kubiac, Jer.
- You were late.
- That's not like you.
Yeah, you were even early
for your vaccinations.
What was that?
Ah, it was nothing.
What? You got R2-D2
living in there? Huh?
I just forgot to turn it off.
It's...
A warning.
Boy, she's in a good mood.
Yes. Her mother
is coming to visit.
Oh, Musso's mother.
The last time she visited,
Musso got so tense,
she needed dental work.
Frozen yogurt with gummy bears?
Boy, he is upset.
Hey, come on, Jer.
It was just a little video game.
Yeah, it's not like when
Sparky died or anything.
Sparky was very special to me.
It's not every day you
connect one on one with
a pet like that.
Jerry, Sparky was an ant.
Was he ever.
Look, Jer, we're gonna need
your help in tutoring Kub
in geography.
- Or else, we're all gonna end up like Sparky.
- Are you with us?
Is kid acting a little weird
to you, Parker?
It's probably just a phase.
Remember when you were his age?
Yeah, locked all night
in the garage with
Marylou Connor.
It's easy to
mistake a frog for a toad.
But if you look closely,
you can see some differences.
The frog has long back legs
for jumping and leaping...
Should I be on Jerry alert?
I don't think so. We've
got nothing to worry about.
Especially when he's in class.
That means frogs
are cold blooded animals.
You come to expect
certain things at Santo
Domingo High School.
Miss Musso's thumb,
Larry Kubiac's appetite,
and for Mikey and me, it's
the reliability
of a little guy named
Jerry Steiner.
Jerry.
Your face looks like
it blocked a punt.
Tres funny, sir.
Um.
We've been carrying out
sleep deprivation experiments
in Bio.
I'm Mr. Macka's volunteer.
Jerry, you're boned.
Mr. Macka's
on sabbatical.
Jerry?
Prognosis.
The pressure of his
position is getting to him.
- Recommendation?
- Vacation.
Prescription?
Nine holes of after
school miniature golf.
I haven't seen him
this doinked since they
temporarily discontinued
Jetsons chewable vitamins.
This warrants a
little investigation.
Just as I suspected.
Jerry's an alien.
Computer games.
Again?
Once is a coincidence.
Twice is a lifestyle.
And it's definitely
time to take action.
Hmm, skull and crossbones
underwear over your jeans,
calling me by my first name.
Did I mention your transcript
was accidentally shredded?
I believe that would make you
a freshman again.
Miss Musso, your mother's here.
Where? Where, where?
- She's in your office.
- I told her to make herself at home.
Great.
Gracie!
Mom.
My glass bricks!
Too cold.
My black lacquered furniture!
Too remote.
My Edvard Munch?
Too off-putting.
Your point being?
What mood were you trying
to convey in here?
Fear.
Oh, no, Gracie. No.
This is a school.
And a school is friendship,
unity and brotherhood.
Ahem.
Mother, school is discipline,
control, rules.
I see I have a lot of
work to do here.
Yo, little dude.
Step into a world of wonder.
Pengo.
Sword of Vermilion.
Dynamite Duke.
Dynamite Duke!
That's not even out in the
stores yet!
How do you get these?
Let's just say,
a receipt's not involved.
Um...
Come on, dude!
I've got an elementary
school to go to.
Now, which one do you want?
Well...
All of them.
Well, it's gonna cost you, then.
But I've only got seven dollars.
And my spoons of the
world collection.
Later, dude.
Wait.
Dude!
Coldness.
He's given his bud
Swatch watch to Badge.
You know what, dude?
I think this is going to be
the beginning of a
beautiful friendship.
I think a little questioning
is in order.
Sirs, I don't understand.
We think you do.
Illicit activities.
Odd behavior.
Perpetual tiredness.
Sirs, I've got excuses.
Jerry, you're addicted to
computer games.
Nothing could be further
from the truth, sirs.
Look at you. You've even
rubbed out your fingerprints.
Ow!
Sirs, I think I'd like to have
my lawyer present.
He's in tenth grade and
he works on a percentage.
This has got to stop.
You are not well. And if
you don't help us tutor Kub,
you really won't be well.
Need geography help.
Mike. The mirror. Quick.
We desperately need you and
your Kubo teaching system.
I hate to say this Jer, but
I'm dubious maximus about
you being able to deliver.
Sir.
This bud was put on this earth
to grow,
to learn,
to be part of a vital threesome,
united in spirit,
connected in vision,
and always in the
pursuit of truth,
happiness,
and the Santo Domingo way.
Please,
despite your doubts,
give Jerry a chance.
This bud's for you.
Okay.
Tutoring at 3:00.
Synchronize Swatches.
You won't be sorry, sirs.
Look, Miss Musso.
Shapiro's out of detention.
Watch this.
What is it, Grace?
I ah...
Seem to be losing
my edge, Mother,
since you arrived.
What are you saying, Grace?
Nothing, Mother!
Nothing at all.
Dude. Does she look
familiar to you?
No.
Welcome to your doom.
Oh, no. Mr. Kubiac!
Poor Larry.
He's so bummed about the test
even a tray of cupcakes
won't bring him out of it.
Sirs, I have an excuse.
We don't want to hear it.
We know what you've been up to.
Sir.
I've got a little problem.
Portrait of a video junkie.
A boy reduced to Twinkie
siphoning.
He disappointed us once
when he said he
quit computer games.
He disappointed us twice
when he failed the Kub.
But this time, Jerry's not
gonna get another chance
to let us down.
That, ah, Drak Attack
you got there?
Yep.
Think maybe I could try it?
Nope.
Please.
Come on, will ya!
- A dollar?
- Negatory.
- Lunch?
- Give it up!
How about a coat with
lots of cool stuff in it?
Forget it, Steiner!
Words out on you.
- Huh?
- No computer games.
Try cards. They're
interactive.
Interactive?
Interactive!
You want interactive?
I'll give you interactive.
I'll give you interactive!
They say admitting
you have a problem
is the first step
toward recovery.
And that takes place at the
Video Junkie Recovery Group.
I like the lights.
The sounds.
The power.
I think it's better than sex.
Of course, I can only guess.
I started taking quarters from
my kids.
We have a newcomer tonight.
My name's Jerry Steiner...
And I'm addicted to video games.
Hi, Jerry.
It all started with Candy Land.
Then Chutes and Ladders.
Soon Monopoly came along.
Trivial Pursuit.
Risk, Chess.
And there I was at
10-years-old and I had already
conquered the world.
Of board games, that is.
I needed new horizons.
Then one night, I'm at the mall
and there it was,
- Pac-Man.
- Oh, Pac-Man.
I slipped in the quarter.
And within 10 seconds,
I had it all figured out.
And I'm eating up all
these little dots like crazy.
Soon,
I'm Pac-Maning away,
and I set a new record on my
first try.
How much?
Three million twenty.-
Three million twenty.
My hand got tired.
Anyway,
it's not hard to see
why a guy like me got hooked.
It was all about
having one thing in life I
was really, really good at.
And now,
are you prepared to go
cold turkey?
Cold turkey?
You put down all video
games. Right now!
And never pick one up again
no matter how great
the temptation.
To gain self-esteem in
different ways. To...
Just say no to video.
Man,
he's got it bad.
And it's up to us
to help our bud.
Time for Operation Withdrawal.
Ingredients? One
addicted teenager, two buds,
ten pounds of food,
one bed,
and unlimited access to your
own high school all weekend.
Your every need will be met
this weekend while
we cure you.
Sit back and leave
the driving to us.
Let the games begin.
Sorry.
Bad choice of words.
Prepare to meet
your doom, Steiner.
5:15, Jerry's video
fever has finally broken.
His nightmare is over.
Oh, Gracie, I have good news.
Remember this morning when you
were at the school board
meeting?
I talked Frank into letting me
make a few morning
announcements.
Really?
Let me guess.
Did you parole everybody
in detention hall?
Release all the lab animals?
Grant loitering
students a holiday?
No, I told them I had to leave.
Oh, I've got do dear.
Your dad needs me.
That's what my announcement
was about.
I had to say, goodbye, to
all of those good students of
Santo Domingo.
Who made my stay here
so very pleasant.
Oh, Mother, thanks for coming.
I'll get Frank to take you
to the airport.
- Oh, that won't be necessary, dear.
- Your brother Ted's picking me up.
- Hello, Mom.
- Hello, dear.
Good to see you, Grace.
Good to see you too, Theodore.
Oh, you two.
- Goodbye, darling.
- Goodbye, Mom.
I hope Jerry doesn't
burn us again.
- Don't worry, Mikey.
- He'll be here.
So, Mr. Kubiac.
Ready to get to work?
Jerry early.
Ah, it's 'cause I feel so good.
Let's get down to the world
of geography.
Pizza number one. Pepperoni.
This is North America.
Pizza number two.
- Anchovy.
- Mmm.
This is South America.
Central America.
Panama Canal.
Excellent, sir.
A reward.
Positive reinforcement.
Speaking of reinforcement,
the only way to make sure
Jerry was cured, was to
Tempt him.
Aw.
Looks like we tempted
him too well.
What are we gonna do?
Watch this.
- We tried to help him.
- He wouldn't listen.
Maybe he couldn't listen.
And now the time has finally
come when we really have to be
cruel to be kind.
Stop, sirs.
Wait.
Don't try and stop us, Jerry.
I don't want to stop you.
I want to do it.
I'll take it from here,
Mr. Lewis.
You don't have to do this,
you know?
Oh, yes I do, sir.
You know how to work this thing?
Sorry. Dumb question.
Welcome to your doom.
Coolness, Jer.
Maximum coolness.
How do you feel?
I feel...
Lighter.
A video game?
But, sirs?
I don't understand.
It's pure rock and roll, man.
Excuse me?
You got a problem.
Don't blame the guitar,
blame yourself.
- Huh?
- Exactly.
Your problem isn't Drak Attack
or Altered Beast or any of
these games.
Videos are a part of all
of our lives.
They're educational,
they improve
hand-eye coordination,
and the best thing is,
they're a lot of fun.
I guess it's not the
games you play that are
harmful, so much as the...
Not so fast, Lewis.
A steamroller.
A steamroller?
What's the matter, couldn't
you find a nuclear warhead?
Well, it was kind of
short notice.
Silence!
Miss Musso!
- You're back to your old...
- Well, ah...
Welcome back.
Now, where was I?
Oh. I guess it's not the games
you play that are harmful
so much as the way
you approach them.
Jerry approached them
like a maniac,
but fortunately, our
friendship helped save him.
Still, I'm taking precautions.
I don't like the way he's
been eyeing my fax machine
lately.
Shelly, where are
all my quarters?
- Mr. Lewis?
- Mr. Randall?
Mr. Philips? Hello?
your doom, Steiner.
For some kids, it's
a big glass of chocolate milk.
For others, it's reruns
of Lost in Space.
But when the pressures of
being a teenager get to be
too much for Jerry Steiner,
he turns to his
little bleeping buddy,
the computer game.
Hello.
Oh. Hello, Mother.
But...
Wha...
What?
Has there been an accident?
A death in the family?
Worse.
My mother's coming to visit.
He's been like that for days.
Isn't that nice?
Kubiac thinks he found a friend.
Where's my help with
geography test?
Oh, well, that...
That's sort of Jerry's
department
Not a problem.
Oh, oh, Jerry?
Oh, oh, Jerry!
Sorry I'm late, sirs.
You know we had an appointment
with Kubiac, Jer.
- You were late.
- That's not like you.
Yeah, you were even early
for your vaccinations.
What was that?
Ah, it was nothing.
What? You got R2-D2
living in there? Huh?
I just forgot to turn it off.
It's...
A warning.
Boy, she's in a good mood.
Yes. Her mother
is coming to visit.
Oh, Musso's mother.
The last time she visited,
Musso got so tense,
she needed dental work.
Frozen yogurt with gummy bears?
Boy, he is upset.
Hey, come on, Jer.
It was just a little video game.
Yeah, it's not like when
Sparky died or anything.
Sparky was very special to me.
It's not every day you
connect one on one with
a pet like that.
Jerry, Sparky was an ant.
Was he ever.
Look, Jer, we're gonna need
your help in tutoring Kub
in geography.
- Or else, we're all gonna end up like Sparky.
- Are you with us?
Is kid acting a little weird
to you, Parker?
It's probably just a phase.
Remember when you were his age?
Yeah, locked all night
in the garage with
Marylou Connor.
It's easy to
mistake a frog for a toad.
But if you look closely,
you can see some differences.
The frog has long back legs
for jumping and leaping...
Should I be on Jerry alert?
I don't think so. We've
got nothing to worry about.
Especially when he's in class.
That means frogs
are cold blooded animals.
You come to expect
certain things at Santo
Domingo High School.
Miss Musso's thumb,
Larry Kubiac's appetite,
and for Mikey and me, it's
the reliability
of a little guy named
Jerry Steiner.
Jerry.
Your face looks like
it blocked a punt.
Tres funny, sir.
Um.
We've been carrying out
sleep deprivation experiments
in Bio.
I'm Mr. Macka's volunteer.
Jerry, you're boned.
Mr. Macka's
on sabbatical.
Jerry?
Prognosis.
The pressure of his
position is getting to him.
- Recommendation?
- Vacation.
Prescription?
Nine holes of after
school miniature golf.
I haven't seen him
this doinked since they
temporarily discontinued
Jetsons chewable vitamins.
This warrants a
little investigation.
Just as I suspected.
Jerry's an alien.
Computer games.
Again?
Once is a coincidence.
Twice is a lifestyle.
And it's definitely
time to take action.
Hmm, skull and crossbones
underwear over your jeans,
calling me by my first name.
Did I mention your transcript
was accidentally shredded?
I believe that would make you
a freshman again.
Miss Musso, your mother's here.
Where? Where, where?
- She's in your office.
- I told her to make herself at home.
Great.
Gracie!
Mom.
My glass bricks!
Too cold.
My black lacquered furniture!
Too remote.
My Edvard Munch?
Too off-putting.
Your point being?
What mood were you trying
to convey in here?
Fear.
Oh, no, Gracie. No.
This is a school.
And a school is friendship,
unity and brotherhood.
Ahem.
Mother, school is discipline,
control, rules.
I see I have a lot of
work to do here.
Yo, little dude.
Step into a world of wonder.
Pengo.
Sword of Vermilion.
Dynamite Duke.
Dynamite Duke!
That's not even out in the
stores yet!
How do you get these?
Let's just say,
a receipt's not involved.
Um...
Come on, dude!
I've got an elementary
school to go to.
Now, which one do you want?
Well...
All of them.
Well, it's gonna cost you, then.
But I've only got seven dollars.
And my spoons of the
world collection.
Later, dude.
Wait.
Dude!
Coldness.
He's given his bud
Swatch watch to Badge.
You know what, dude?
I think this is going to be
the beginning of a
beautiful friendship.
I think a little questioning
is in order.
Sirs, I don't understand.
We think you do.
Illicit activities.
Odd behavior.
Perpetual tiredness.
Sirs, I've got excuses.
Jerry, you're addicted to
computer games.
Nothing could be further
from the truth, sirs.
Look at you. You've even
rubbed out your fingerprints.
Ow!
Sirs, I think I'd like to have
my lawyer present.
He's in tenth grade and
he works on a percentage.
This has got to stop.
You are not well. And if
you don't help us tutor Kub,
you really won't be well.
Need geography help.
Mike. The mirror. Quick.
We desperately need you and
your Kubo teaching system.
I hate to say this Jer, but
I'm dubious maximus about
you being able to deliver.
Sir.
This bud was put on this earth
to grow,
to learn,
to be part of a vital threesome,
united in spirit,
connected in vision,
and always in the
pursuit of truth,
happiness,
and the Santo Domingo way.
Please,
despite your doubts,
give Jerry a chance.
This bud's for you.
Okay.
Tutoring at 3:00.
Synchronize Swatches.
You won't be sorry, sirs.
Look, Miss Musso.
Shapiro's out of detention.
Watch this.
What is it, Grace?
I ah...
Seem to be losing
my edge, Mother,
since you arrived.
What are you saying, Grace?
Nothing, Mother!
Nothing at all.
Dude. Does she look
familiar to you?
No.
Welcome to your doom.
Oh, no. Mr. Kubiac!
Poor Larry.
He's so bummed about the test
even a tray of cupcakes
won't bring him out of it.
Sirs, I have an excuse.
We don't want to hear it.
We know what you've been up to.
Sir.
I've got a little problem.
Portrait of a video junkie.
A boy reduced to Twinkie
siphoning.
He disappointed us once
when he said he
quit computer games.
He disappointed us twice
when he failed the Kub.
But this time, Jerry's not
gonna get another chance
to let us down.
That, ah, Drak Attack
you got there?
Yep.
Think maybe I could try it?
Nope.
Please.
Come on, will ya!
- A dollar?
- Negatory.
- Lunch?
- Give it up!
How about a coat with
lots of cool stuff in it?
Forget it, Steiner!
Words out on you.
- Huh?
- No computer games.
Try cards. They're
interactive.
Interactive?
Interactive!
You want interactive?
I'll give you interactive.
I'll give you interactive!
They say admitting
you have a problem
is the first step
toward recovery.
And that takes place at the
Video Junkie Recovery Group.
I like the lights.
The sounds.
The power.
I think it's better than sex.
Of course, I can only guess.
I started taking quarters from
my kids.
We have a newcomer tonight.
My name's Jerry Steiner...
And I'm addicted to video games.
Hi, Jerry.
It all started with Candy Land.
Then Chutes and Ladders.
Soon Monopoly came along.
Trivial Pursuit.
Risk, Chess.
And there I was at
10-years-old and I had already
conquered the world.
Of board games, that is.
I needed new horizons.
Then one night, I'm at the mall
and there it was,
- Pac-Man.
- Oh, Pac-Man.
I slipped in the quarter.
And within 10 seconds,
I had it all figured out.
And I'm eating up all
these little dots like crazy.
Soon,
I'm Pac-Maning away,
and I set a new record on my
first try.
How much?
Three million twenty.-
Three million twenty.
My hand got tired.
Anyway,
it's not hard to see
why a guy like me got hooked.
It was all about
having one thing in life I
was really, really good at.
And now,
are you prepared to go
cold turkey?
Cold turkey?
You put down all video
games. Right now!
And never pick one up again
no matter how great
the temptation.
To gain self-esteem in
different ways. To...
Just say no to video.
Man,
he's got it bad.
And it's up to us
to help our bud.
Time for Operation Withdrawal.
Ingredients? One
addicted teenager, two buds,
ten pounds of food,
one bed,
and unlimited access to your
own high school all weekend.
Your every need will be met
this weekend while
we cure you.
Sit back and leave
the driving to us.
Let the games begin.
Sorry.
Bad choice of words.
Prepare to meet
your doom, Steiner.
5:15, Jerry's video
fever has finally broken.
His nightmare is over.
Oh, Gracie, I have good news.
Remember this morning when you
were at the school board
meeting?
I talked Frank into letting me
make a few morning
announcements.
Really?
Let me guess.
Did you parole everybody
in detention hall?
Release all the lab animals?
Grant loitering
students a holiday?
No, I told them I had to leave.
Oh, I've got do dear.
Your dad needs me.
That's what my announcement
was about.
I had to say, goodbye, to
all of those good students of
Santo Domingo.
Who made my stay here
so very pleasant.
Oh, Mother, thanks for coming.
I'll get Frank to take you
to the airport.
- Oh, that won't be necessary, dear.
- Your brother Ted's picking me up.
- Hello, Mom.
- Hello, dear.
Good to see you, Grace.
Good to see you too, Theodore.
Oh, you two.
- Goodbye, darling.
- Goodbye, Mom.
I hope Jerry doesn't
burn us again.
- Don't worry, Mikey.
- He'll be here.
So, Mr. Kubiac.
Ready to get to work?
Jerry early.
Ah, it's 'cause I feel so good.
Let's get down to the world
of geography.
Pizza number one. Pepperoni.
This is North America.
Pizza number two.
- Anchovy.
- Mmm.
This is South America.
Central America.
Panama Canal.
Excellent, sir.
A reward.
Positive reinforcement.
Speaking of reinforcement,
the only way to make sure
Jerry was cured, was to
Tempt him.
Aw.
Looks like we tempted
him too well.
What are we gonna do?
Watch this.
- We tried to help him.
- He wouldn't listen.
Maybe he couldn't listen.
And now the time has finally
come when we really have to be
cruel to be kind.
Stop, sirs.
Wait.
Don't try and stop us, Jerry.
I don't want to stop you.
I want to do it.
I'll take it from here,
Mr. Lewis.
You don't have to do this,
you know?
Oh, yes I do, sir.
You know how to work this thing?
Sorry. Dumb question.
Welcome to your doom.
Coolness, Jer.
Maximum coolness.
How do you feel?
I feel...
Lighter.
A video game?
But, sirs?
I don't understand.
It's pure rock and roll, man.
Excuse me?
You got a problem.
Don't blame the guitar,
blame yourself.
- Huh?
- Exactly.
Your problem isn't Drak Attack
or Altered Beast or any of
these games.
Videos are a part of all
of our lives.
They're educational,
they improve
hand-eye coordination,
and the best thing is,
they're a lot of fun.
I guess it's not the
games you play that are
harmful, so much as the...
Not so fast, Lewis.
A steamroller.
A steamroller?
What's the matter, couldn't
you find a nuclear warhead?
Well, it was kind of
short notice.
Silence!
Miss Musso!
- You're back to your old...
- Well, ah...
Welcome back.
Now, where was I?
Oh. I guess it's not the games
you play that are harmful
so much as the way
you approach them.
Jerry approached them
like a maniac,
but fortunately, our
friendship helped save him.
Still, I'm taking precautions.
I don't like the way he's
been eyeing my fax machine
lately.
Shelly, where are
all my quarters?
- Mr. Lewis?
- Mr. Randall?
Mr. Philips? Hello?