Parker Lewis Can't Lose (1990–1993): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Mikey finds love with a new girl in school. At the same time Parker finds love in a new girl (who turns out to be the same girl). Being a true bud Parker steps aside and helps Mikey out in asking her out for a date. Complicating matters further the girl, Robin, is more interested in Parker anyways. The final straw comes in the form of a 300+ lb. football player named Larry Kubiac who wants to destroy Parker. It seems life couldn't be more complicated for the Junior who normally holds all the cards.

Parker? Are you up yet, honey?
Come on, you're gonna be late.

Parker?

- Where the hell's my Ho-hos...
- Oh.

Mommy, Daddy,
I was so scared last night.

I thought I heard somebody
trying to get in the house
way after midnight.

But it was only Parker.

Parker, were you out last night?

Parker?
Come on, hon, you'll be late.-

ll

Lly

lly bi



lly biza

lly bizarr

lly bizarre

lly bizarre co

lly bizarre conc

lly bizarre concep

lly bizarre concept.

Nine-to-three for 18 years
of your life, is like what?

92 billion hours? Wow!

- That's me, Parker Lewis.
- Late, but, not worried.

Ah, the students of
Santo Domingo High.

- They're more than just classmates.
- They're customers.

Parker?

You're road-pizza.



- Mikey Randall, my best friend.
- He knows all my secrets.

- Musso's looking for you.
- Not a problem.

I'll carry that for you, sir.

Jerry Steiner.
He knows all my secrets, too.

A real privilege for a freshman.

I've told him a thousand
times, he doesn't
have to carry my books.

But you do have
to make us lunch.

Most kids hate school.

The way I look at it,
"If I got to do the time,
I'm gonna enjoy it."

Either you work
for the system or you make
the system work for you.

So this is us, the best buds.

- We like school.
- We're getting an education and business is good.

Time for the morning report.

All candies and sodas are adios.

- More candies, more sodas.
- And we moved...

- Four sets of notes from Nickler's class.
- -All right!

Larry Kubiac.

Rumor has it, he killed a nun
when she misplaced his lunch.-

Watch any video online with Open-SUBTITLES
Free Browser extension: osdb.link/ext

Eh, Tom Petty tickets
are moving blocks

and Kenny G's in the toilet.

- Okay, dump the Kenny G's at half a price.
- What else we got?

- Park, Pa...
- We gotta talk.

Kornstein's test?
Not a problem.
I told you it'd be covered.

No, that's not it.

You met a girl.

A girl. Park!

- This isn't just a girl.
- And get this.

She likes me.

Do you want me to find out
her name, Mr. Randall?
I could look it up.

I gotta friend
of mine's brother...

Will you stop it already?-

I know her name.

Robin Fecknowitz!

Her name is Robin Fecknowitz?

- Beautiful, isn't it?
- But, you know how I get.

I need help.

The last time Mikey
had a date with a girl
he wasn't related to,

- it went completely nuclear on him.
- So, I'll help him.

Hey, you got it, best bud.

Grief, thy name is Frank Lemmer.

Our principal's teenage
mutant henchman.

- How's it feel, Lewis?
- Knowing you are going to be expelled.

How does it feel, Lemmer?

Knowing you're the first
in your family to breathe
through your nose.

Musso wants you.

Ms. Musso, our principal.

Guess I should stop
using her parking space.

Now!

Mussolini Excuse File.

Okay, okay.

"Put family in witness
protection program."

"Organ donor."

Organ donor?

- Last year, you donated lung.
- This year, a kidney.

- You donate another and you won't be able to breathe or...
- -It's a no-brainer.

I'm going to the videotape!

Synchronize watches.

I'm countin' on you guys.

Oh, God, this is great!

If there had been
a high school in Blade Runner,
Musso would be the principal.

They say that, for each man
there is a perfect woman.

Who would've thought
I would meet mine as I stood
at the gates of hell?

She was a, a Mona Lisa.

A Sistine Chapel,
a Dogs Playing Poker,

and more importantly...

She smiled at me.

You cut first period today,
Lewis.

In fact,

you've cut
first period all year.

Clean out your locker,
you're finished.

But, uh, Ms. Musso,
I have an excuse.

No excuses. You only have
one lung and one kidney left!

Lewis transcripts.

Thank you.

Oh!

Patch this into Musso's office.

Five, four, three, two, one, go!

We interrupt programing

for an update on
this morning's bus crash
on King's Highway.

Let's got to Andrea Russell,
standing by.

This is Andrea Russell on site
at King's Highway where
a young Parker Lewis...

Hey, be careful with that man.

Single-handedly saved
a busload of children
from certain death.

Parker, can you tell us
what happened?

Love to, Andrea.
But I'm late for first period.
Gotta go.

There goes our hero.

Parker Lewis.

He single-handedly
saved a busload of children
from certain death.

- I usually loved Loopman's class.
- But not today.

Today, I had to carry out
my romantic destiny.

Gum?

Oooh, lusty choice.

Lewis?

She's beautiful, she's smart.

- She's a good note-taker.
- She passed the gum test.

But how was I to know
that this was Mikey's girl?

How was I to know
that this was...

Robin Fecknowitz.

Huh?

I've been helping Mikey
talk to girls
since fifth grade.

But why did he have
to see this one first?

I have no choice here.

I have to do the right thing.

This isn't going to be easy.

Even for me.

- Please, don't be there.
- Please, don't be there.

Robin?

Hi, it's me Pa...

Mikey? Mikey Randall?

Well, I go to your school.

Look, it's not easy
taking chances.

- Yeah.
- But, sometimes you...

See the girl at the desk
across from you. A...

A girl with feelings who...

Who wants to be appreciated
and... And you think...

- This is good.
- -Maybe I'm the guy to make her...

- You. You feel that way.
- This is good.

And, and, and, so,
I was just wondering if...

Maybe, we could possibly go...

Yeah.

Okay.

Fine, bye.

- What did she say?
- Come on, tell me.

- Pick her up, tomorrow.
- 5:00 at work.

Fantastic!

Fantastic for you, maybe.

- I can't do it.
- Of course, you can do it.

What could possibly lead you
to that conclusion?

I can't believe
I'm gonna say this.

I'm gonna help you.

Yeah!

♪ Ooh la la la la
Ooh lee la loo

♪ Ooh la la la la
Ooh lee la loo

♪ Ooh la la la la
Ooh lee la loo

♪ "Praise God,"
he said lifting his drink

♪ "And the devil too!"
you said with a wink

♪ "Praise God,"
he said lifting his drink

♪ "And the devil too!"
you said with a wink

Okay, Mikey,
you're gonna be great.

I'm right outside,
just like we planned,
this is a no-brainer.

Hi.

- Uh...
- Greeting.

Greeting.

- No, no, no.
"Hi, how are you?"
-Fine.

- Huh?
- Compliment her, Mikey.

- Compliment.
- Uh...

You have beautiful hair.

And you have a...

Lovely nametag.

Well...

- You're doing great, Mikey.
- Hang tough.

Next card. Jerry!

- No, sir, sir, sir!
- Wait, wait, wait! Wait!

Uh...

What's wrong?

Uh...-

Nothing.

Look, all day long,

I've been saying, I'm going
out with Robin Fecknowitz.

What have I done
to deserve this?

- All right.
- Got it, Parker?

- Is everything okay?
Yes, that's it.
It's great. Come on.

- All right, Mikey, we are back in action.
- We're doing great here.

- This one's really important now, stay with me.
- Physical intimacy.

All right.
Look, I know it's not easy...

- Robin. Uh...
- stay in tune with me.

- Um.
-This is really important.
You really wanna be with her.

- Don't try and kiss her, yet.
- This is the '90s.

You don't wanna be
too pushy, okay? All right.
Here's what you should do.

Go up to her,
just put your arm
around her light...

Put your arm
around her lightly
and tell her that, that...

You really wanna be with her,
that you wanna go to dinner
with her.

You'll make her dinner.
Anything, just to be with her.

Mikey, what's going on?
What's going on in there?
Are you okay?

- Now I get it.
-No, Robin.
I can explain this, please.

- Goodbye, Mikey!
- Robin...

- I heard The Three Stooges, what was that?
- -Goodbye.

And goodbye, Parker Lewis!

Mikey was down bad
and it was my fault.

The way I see it,
I have three choices:

Hope this whole thing goes away,

smooth things over for Mikey
by talking to Robin,

or give him my Ticketron outlet.

I'll talk to her.

- Uh, Robin...
- -I'm not talking to you, Parker.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just trying to help out,
Mikey. He gets very nervous in
social situations, and you...

Are definitely
a social situation.

He seems a little shaky.

But I don't see you shaking.

Uh, look...

This isn't going
the way it's supposed to.

Sometimes, Parker,
things don't go exactly
the way they are planned.

Uh-huh.

The most exciting
lip-lock of my life,
and all I can think of is

"I'm kissing
my best bud's girl."

How does this stuff happen?

You've gotta be kidding me.

My brother is a dead man.

I'm falling apart here.

Mikey and I
first made the rule
in fifth grade.

Every set of best guyfriends
makes the rule:

Never let a girl,
no matter how great she is,
come between you.

Of course, when you are 10,
that's sort of
a remote problem.

I know if the tables
were reversed,

and Mikey had
done this to me,
I'd be devastated.

I saw what you did.

Ah! Argh!

What? What'd I do?

- You kissed Robin Fecknowitz.
- I did not!

- Oh, no!
- I have to get to school before Mikey finds out.

Too late.

Really too late.

Mr. Lewis, Mr. Lewis.
I just heard a rumor,
I'm sure it's not true,

- but the kids are saying you kissed Mr.
- Randall's girlfriend.

- I just want to say, sir, that even if you did kiss Ms.
- Fecknowitz,

- I'm sure you had your reasons.
- And even if you didn't...

I know Mikey inside out.

The way to win him back
is to kill him with kindness.

It worked in sixth grade
when I fixed his bike.

It worked in camp
when I helped him
win the canoe race.

It worked in junior high
when I taught him
how to dance.

But it's not working here.

This was more serious
than I thought.

Mikey wasn't acting like Mikey.

It was time to do
something drastic.

The big chemistry test
was coming up and I was
gonna help Mikey pass.

Or die trying.

♪ Don't know much
about history

♪ Don't know much biology

♪ Don't know much
about a science book

♪ Don't know much
about the French I took

♪ But I do know
that I love you

♪ And I know if
you love me too

♪ What a wonderful world
this would be

♪ Don't know much
about geography

♪ Don't know much trigonometry

♪ Don't know much
about algebra

♪ Don't know
what a slide rule is for

♪ But I do know
one and one is two

♪ And if this one
could be with you

♪ What a wonderful world
this would be

♪ Oh, I don't claim
to be an "A" student

♪ But I'm trying to be

Mental note,
gotta think of something new
for the SATs.

So maybe you did kiss her.

But let's look at all
the important things
you've done.

Like that stand-up
comedian-substitute teacher
program.

Ugh!

Thanks.

Mikey...

Look, I told you
I did not want any
of your help on the test.

Now look at what you've done!

I... But...

Randall?-

- Come on, come on.
- Come on.

Randall, Randall, Randall...

Oh, wow!

Big decision time.

I could let my best bud,
who wasn't speaking
to me anymore, die

or...

Don't think of this
as detention.

Think of this
as a lot of detention.

Lewis?

T,

T, L

t, Lew

t, Lewis

t, Lewis.

- T, Lewis.
- Yo

- t, Lewis.
- You

- t, Lewis.
- You ar

- t, Lewis.
- You are

- t, Lewis.
- You are ex

- t, Lewis.
- You are expe

- t, Lewis.
- You are expell

- t, Lewis.
- You are expelled

- t, Lewis.
- You are expelled.

T, Lewis.
You are expelled.
Re

t, Lewis.
You are expelled.
Redu

t, Lewis.
You are expelled.
Reduce

t, Lewis.
You are expelled.
Reduced

t, Lewis.
You are expelled.
Reduced to

t, Lewis.
You are expelled.
Reduced to r

t, Lewis.
You are expelled.
Reduced to rub

t, Lewis.
You are expelled.
Reduced to rubbl

t, Lewis.
You are expelled.
Reduced to rubble.

You are a former student.

I have confiscated
this tape of your
little cheating escapade.

This time I have
out-videoed you,
and you are going to pay!

I hope you're
proud of yourself
for this, Lewis.

I should warn you
that I was testing out
the equipment and I...

Save it, Lewis!

Oh, Stuart,
you crazy little monkey.

Take me, take me now.

Oh!

Well, Lewis...

- You're a very
dangerous young man.
- Thank you, Ms. Musso.

- Get out.
- Yes, Ma'am.

Well...-

Gym, death.

Now!

- Well, here it is.
- Genuine Parker-phernalia.

It's your way to remember him
as he was, in life.

Jerry?

Kubiac's safety valve plan A!

But, sir, that plan
is untried and unproven,

and potentially, very unsafe.

Besides, I don't even know
where he is.

Find him! Now!

- Yes, sir.
- And, sir?

Good luck.

Hey, Park!

I get your room.

I'm telling mom
about the tattoo.

Ahh!

Robin, now is not a good time.

Robin,
my best friend
won't talk to me,

the school psycho
is gonna kill me,

my sister's selling my clothes,

all because you kissed me!

So I can't go out with you.

Parker, did it ever occur to you

that I might have an opinion
about who I go out with?

- Uh...
- Because I do!

And I don't wanna go out
with either one of you.

Great, now I'm pumped.

But I do wanna be your friend.

Okay?

Not a problem.

- Friends with a girl.
- What a concept!

Robin.

Nice hat.

Parker, even though
we're just friends...

You're still hot.

Maybe it was gonna be
a good day after all.

Maybe not.

Why is it people like me
have been running away

from people like him
all our lives?

Because they're a lot bigger.

Larry?

I know I sat on your lunch,
but can we just
forget about this?

No.

Because people like you
have been running
from people like me

all of our lives.

Whoa!

Hey!

You wanna piece of him?
You gotta go through me first!

Not a problem.

Don't close, don't close,
don't close.

- What're you doing here?
-Robin told me.
What're you doing here?

I sat on Kubiac's lunch
and now he wants
to exterminate me.

Wrong again.-

I sat on his lunch
and you were gonna
take the fall.

- How'd you know?
- -I got secret sauce on my butt!

Try some club soda.

You know just 'cause
I'm helping you, Park,

doesn't mean I'm not
still mad at you.

Lighten up, we have
a bigger problem
on our hands here

that's 6'7"
with a police record.

Take it easy, Larry.

Killing a teenager
is definitely a felony.

All right,
you ask yourself this.

Did you like kissing her?

You guys done?

- Yes.
- Yeah, absolutely.

Excuse me, Mr. Kubiac, sir.

Far be it for me, sir,
to interrupt you at your work.

Ah, Kubiac's safety valve
plan A.

But as long as you're gonna
squash Mr. Randall
and Mr. Lewis like bugs, sir,

and I find it only fitting
that a friend of mine

should have the privilege
of observing.

Hi, Francis.

Francis?

Bobby? Wha...

Ah, does mom know where you are?

What're you doing out of school?

My friend Jerry said
you guys were gonna do
something really neat today.

Can I watch?

Uh, nothing's going on here,
Bobby.

We're just having some fun.

You go on back to school
and when I get home, we'll...

Play G.I. Joes?

Yeah, play G.I. Joes.

- You, kid!
- Yes, sir?

Take him back.

- I really love my big brother.
- Yeah, everybody does.

This stays in this room...

I let you live.

- All right.
- Okay!

- Okay.
- That's a deal!

Park?

You had this covered
the whole time, didn't you?

Not a problem.

You know what time it is?

- I don't know.
- Didn't think so.

Best buds?

Yeah.

- Best buds.
- Hehe.

Well, the rule stood up.

Never let a girl,
no matter how great she is,
come between us.

♪ Don't know much
about history

♪ Don't know much biology

♪ Don't know much
about a science book

♪ Don't know much
about the French I took

♪ But I do know
that I love you

♪ And I know that
if you love me too

Not a problem.

♪ What a wonderful world
this would be

♪ Don't know much
about geography

♪ Don't know much trigonometry
Yeah

♪ Don't know much
about algebra

♪ Don't know
what a slide rule is for

Oh, by the way,
I used your razor to scrape
my soccer cleats.

- That's okay.
- I used your toothbrush to clean the aquarium.

Mom!

Not a problem.

Mr. Lewis? Mr. Randall?

Mr. Phillips? Hello?