Parenthood (2010–2015): Season 6, Episode 5 - The Scale of Affection Is Fluid - full transcript

I got in a little motorcycle...

- What happened?
- Spill.

You're not riding a motorcycle.

Crosby!

Surgery went well.

But you have to try
to get better,

'cause a lot of people
are counting on you.

I'm pregnant.

You barely had time
to be in love.

You have no idea

how hard something like this is
to do by yourself.



- I really like you.
- I think I like him.

Joel, um, I'm seeing someone.

- Uh--
- This is Dylan.

He's our newest student.

This is Max. - What'?

Yo, asperger's!

What do you do
when you like a girl?

Okay.

[School bell rings]

[Vampire weekend's worship you]

♪ Only in the way you want it
only on the day you want it ♪

♪ only with the understanding
every single day you want it ♪

♪ only in the way you want it
only on the day you want it ♪

♪ only with the understanding
every single day you want it ♪



♪ you you ♪ [School bell rings]

♪ City with the weight upon it
city in the way you want it ♪

♪ city with the safety of
a never-ending blessing on it ♪

♪ city with the weight upon it
city in the way you want it ♪

♪ city with the safety of
a never-ending blessing on it ♪

♪ you you ♪

♪ we worshiped you ♪

♪ your red right hand ♪

♪ won't we see you ♪

♪ once again? ♪

♪ in foreign soil ♪

♪ in foreign land ♪

Hey, bud.
What you doing?

Studying.

The trash?

That's ridiculous.
Why would I study the trash?

I'm studying Dylan.

You're studying Dylan?

- Yes.
- Through the trash?

This picture of a horse tells
me that Dylan likes pictures

and also that she likes horses.

Dad said that the foundation

of any romantic relationship
is based on common interests.

- Dad said that.
- Yes.

Which means that, in this case,

I should probably
either choose drawing or horses.

Okay.
Honey, I know that you--

- and considering
I hate drawing,

I should probably
choose horses.

I know that you like her,

and I know that you think
she's cool with this whole,

like, anti-authority thing,

but are you sure that this is
the right girl for you?

I have to go to class now,

but we can continue
this conversation later,

Mrs. Braverman.

Okay.

[Horn honks]

Oh, jeez.
God.

What, Mr. backseat driver?

Oh, yeah.
Well, I mean, please.

You don't see me hanging on here
for dear life?

I mean, you know why?
What?

'Cause I'm worried
about getting rear-ended.

You can get a ticket
for going too slow, you know.

It's called impeding traffic.

I don't see
why I can't drive anywhere.

Because two weeks ago, you
had your breastbone sawed open.

The doctor was very clear.

I know what the doctor said.
I was there, all right?

Can we go a little faster?

Why don't you step on it
a little bit?

Just give yourself a ride,
see what happens.

Thank you guys so much.
See you tomorrow!

Both: Oh!
- Oh!

- Oh, no.
- Okay.

- I am so sorry.
- Yeah.

Here, do you want--is
this--will these help or hurt?

Uh, yeah. Please.
That--that should work.

Oh, no, you're--
I'm so sorry.

No. It's--it's okay.

It's, uh--

it's actually kind of impressive
how soaked I am

versus how unscathed you are.
Yeah.

It's kind of a talent of mine.
It's a good one to have.

I'm so sorry.
Your shirt's ruined for work--

- oh, no, no.
I've got plenty of shirts.

I work at a tech start-up.
[Chuckles]

We have, like, two offices.
You know?

There's, like, one

with about
a million blow-up toys in 'em

and another one
with a bunch of t-shirts

with our name on 'em, so--

- oh. Okay.
- Yeah.

- God--
- Anyway, no.

I should, uh--I should probably
get your number.

- Uh, what?
- Oh, God, no.

I'm not--it's not a--
it's not a date thing.

- Oh.
- That's--

that'd be pretty forward.
- Okay.

No, it's just so my lawyer
knows how to track you down

in case I decide
to press charges.

[Chuckles]
Oh, I see. Okay.

Um...

- Yeah.
- This is serious stuff.

[Laughs]

I can't wait to try this place!

I've been waiting.

Oh, the coq au vin
is supposed to be unbelievable.

It is unbelievable.

- Good.
- And you know what?

Maybe we can even get the firm
to pick it up,

you know,
since we do work together.

Yes, we do work together.

We should look at the wine list
before we decide that.

Can you--
come here. Turn around.

- What?
- This way.

- What?
- Turn around.

Please, go this way.
This way.

Turn. Turn!
What are we doing?

Go back--go back there!

Jules, what are we doing?

We're hiding
from a mom from sycamore charter

because she just does not need
any more grist

for the rumor mills.
It's--

[sighs]

- Hey, Jules?
- What?

What are we doing?

I mean, I think
we're a little too old to be

hiding behind ficus plants,
aren't we?

- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.

How about we go somewhere else?

You want to go somewhere else?

I'd like to go somewhere else.

Let's go somewhere else.
Come on.

Okay.

What the hell is this?

Hon! Honey! Jasmine!

Yes, my love?

Who... what--who did this?

I did.

- You did this?
- Yeah.

It's for your own good.

Oh, I think I know
what's good for me...

- Really?
- And what's good for me is

to be able to ride my motorcycle
whenever I choose to.

I'm a grown man.

I think
I can make that decision.

Baby, you're not acting
like yourself right now, okay?

So if you want to just--

- okay, well, I definitely
feel like myself.

Myself wants to take a ride
on the motorcycle.

Very consistent with who I am.
Okay.

Well, until you slow down
and tell me

what's going on with you, you're
not riding the motorcycle.

Great, I'll tell you right now.

- What?
- Nothing going on with me.

Really?

Other than wanting
to take a ride

on a motorcycle that I own.

Well, I'm sorry.
You can't do that right now.

Give me one good reason
why I can't ride my motorcycle.

I'll give you two.
Jabbar and Aida.

Oh, you're gonna
pull the kid card.

Just did.

And you're gonna be able to go
to sleep tonight on that?

- Love you.
- This is--

- ♪ may God bless
and keep you always ♪

♪ and may your wishes
all come true ♪

♪ may you always do
for others ♪

♪ and let others do for you ♪

♪ may you build a ladder
to the stars ♪

♪ and climb on every rung ♪

♪ and may you stay ♪

♪ forever young ♪

♪ may you grow up
to be righteous ♪

♪ may you grow up to be true ♪

♪ may you always know
the truth ♪

♪ and see the lights
surrounding you ♪

♪ may you always be
courageous ♪

♪ stand upright and be strong ♪

♪ and may you stay ♪

♪ forever young ♪

♪ may you stay ♪

♪ forever young ♪

- Let's go.
- Yay!

What if I just told you
that you can't dance anymore?

You could get hurt dancing.
That's not the same, Crosby.

Look, let's just
talk about it later.

All right.
[Sniffs]

Ugh! What are you grilling up,
a tire?

Nah, man.

I got my Adam Braverman
flame-broiled burgers happening.

Come on.

How did Sarah
get out of this thing?

Get out of it?
What are you talking about?

- She's not here.
- She's at a photo shoot

in Santa Cruz, I think.
Hmm.

Why are you
in such a sour mood?

My wife unilaterally took away
my motorcycle privileges,

put an actual lock around it...
It's about time.

Like she works for the city
of Berkeley or something--

- dad, when's lunch
gonna be ready?

Five minutes.

Why can't we just
go to burger and pie?

It's faster,
and it tastes better.

Burger and pie?
You don't want burger and pie.

No, it tastes better than this.

I got my proprietary spice
blend in these burgers.

It's faster
and it tastes better.

- Grandpa and grandma's here!
- Hey!

- Inferior burgers.
- No, they're not.

These are frozen burgers
that you took out of the bag

and rubbed salt, pepper,
and worcestershire on.

That's it. That's all you did.
Hey, sweetheart.

- No, Max.
- That's proprietary.

And you said
you used a secret sauce,

but it was just worcestershire.

- Zeek, you're looking good.
- Oh. Thanks, honey.

- Thanks for coming.
- Yeah.

It's really good to be here.
How are you feeling?

You're walking better.
Am I?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I feel pretty good.

Got a spring in your step.

I'm gonna get you a cold one.
Thanks.

You're not burning those,
are you?

No, dad, I'm searing them.

Okay? Okay, Max. Easy.
Hi, grandpa.

I got 'em. I got 'em.
Let go.

- How are you?
- I'm good.

I like a girl.
Really?

- Yeah.
- You do like a girl?

- How about that?
- Yeah.

Well, that's wonderful.

So what base are you on
with her?

We haven't really done
the baseball--

- what does that mean?
- That's a great question.

She doesn't like sports.
I don't understand.

Right.
No, no.

What I meant was,
have you held her hand,

maybe kissed her,
or something like--

- no, dad says I should start
with common interests

and work from there.

- Yeah.
- That's terrible advice.

- I don't know.
- That's a one-way street.

In my experience,

the Braverman libido,
the virility,

the sexual attraction
is a very hard thing to contain.

It's just gonna pop
out of there.

Just get that libido
and virility out,

whip it around, and just--

- maybe let's go back
to the baseball analogy.

What are my libido
and virility,

and how do I pop them out?
Okay.

You've got four bases, right?

Home, first, second, third.
Okay.

First base, kissy-kissy.

- Maybe hold hands.
- Second base, touchy-touchy.

Maybe arm around the shoulder.

Third base, feely-feely.

A little more kissy-kissy
down South.

- Maybe a kiss on the cheek.
- And then home is...

Just watching TV together...

Here comes little Max
and a baby carriage.

On the sofa.

Right?

You can do that on a sofa, yeah.

Just stick with
the common interests for now.

Hello there.

Hi.
You could have sent a runner.

Could've sent a runner,
but then I wouldn't have

been able to get a chance
to kiss you.

- I will kill you.
- No, you won't.

- Yes, I will kill you...
- No, you won't kill me.

- If you do that.
- That's a little much.

- I will kill you.
- No.

Turn around,
so I can sign this.

- Surface.
- Okay.

[Cell phone dings]

- Hey, honey?
- What?

You guys have got
to stop encouraging him.

Please.

- Is this about the Dylan thing?
- Mm-hmm.

Honey, my dad is just excited
that his grandson

could have a crush on a girl,
and honestly, so am I.

I understand that,

but you should have seen
what he was doing at school.

He was following her around
with a notebook, taking notes,

jotting things down,
looking in the trash...

- Wait a minute, Kristina.
- This isn't healthy.

I didn't encourage
our son to stalk this girl.

That's how he took it,

and I'm asking you
to help me with this.

Honey, she's not gonna
like him back.

- How do you know?
- I know. I know these things.

Just help me
temper his enthusiasm.

That's all I'm asking.
Okay.

- Please.
- I will.

I will talk to him tomorrow.
Okay.

[Indistinct chatter outside]

- Hey, Kristina.
- What?

- Come here. Come here.
- Huh?

Julia brought this guy
to the barbecue.

- You're very welcome.
- Who?

This guy Chris
that she used the date.

- What are they doing?
- I guess it's serious.

Signing some documents
or something.

♪ In the summer ♪

- Okay.
- Are we good?

Thank you very much
for bringing this.

- You're very welcome.
- I'll see you tonight.

- Sure. One kiss. That's my fee.
- Not happening.

Hey, what are you doing
to my sister? What's going on?

- That's why.
- A couple of lawyers

on my front lawn.
Thank you.

- Yup.
- This can't be good.

I'm just kidding around, Julia.
Relax.

- Okay.
- Remember me?

- I do. Chris.
- Chris, right?

Yeah, yeah.
Good to see you, Adam.

Nice you could put a good word
in for our sister at the firm.

That's nice.
My pleasure.

- Yes, and--
- She's doing a fantastic job.

So you guys
are working together now?

- We are indeed.
- He needs to get back

to said firm
because these are very...

Is this the guy you were
dating right before Joel?

- I do.
- Time-sensitive documents here.

Documents? What do you got?
Signatures or something?

- Thank you. Yup.
- Yeah. Exactly.

Tell you what,
I'm making burgers.

Come on in and have a burger,
okay?

We can handle this
electronically, all right?

We have the technology.
That's very true.

No, he has to get
to the firm right now!

We have the technology
to deal with this, Julia!

- Adam! Adam!
- Come on!

You're having a burger. Come on.
Looks like I'm staying!

[Cell phone chimes]

[Indistinct chatter]

♪ The sun is shining good ♪

[Laughs]

Guys, coffee shop guy texted.

[Gasps] Oh, my God.
What did he say?

He said, "I'm willing
to forego legal action

"for yesterday's mishap

if you let me take you out
for a drink."

- This is good news!
- I've still got it.

- Who is this?
- This is so exciting!

Okay, well, first things first.

You have to parlay
the whole drinking thing

into, like, coffee or tea
or something daytime.

Maybe a daytime activity.
How do you do that naturally?

I know because the whole,
like, situation.

Yeah.

He doesn't know
you're pregnant?

Uh, no. It didn't exactly come
up the first time I met him.

Don't really lead in with that.

Isn't that something
that you tell people

that you're gonna date?

No, I'm not, like, gonna have
a serious relationship with him.

I just want to have some fun.

She's not under lock and key.
She's pregnant.

- Yeah.
- She's not contagious.

Yeah. It's good.
It's normal.

But, guys,
can you help me please?

What do I say back?
Yeah. Okay, um-

- something legal.

Um, "my lawyer
is willing to settle

if we do coffee or tea instead."

Mm, settling. Good.

- Like that?
- Okay. Hang on.

♪ In the summer ♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

Finish your burger?

- Oh, it was delicious.
- Good.

- Yeah. I'm out of here.
- Okay, good.

- I'm gonna go.
- I'm sorry.

No, I get it.
I get it.

I just didn't want it
to become any more awkward

by refusing
your brother's burger.

- Who are you?
- Hi.

Syd, um, there are nicer ways
to introduce yourself.

That's okay.
Hey, I'm Chris.

I work with your mom.
Who are you?

I'm Sydney.

Oh. Hi, Sydney.
It's a pleasure.

You got your mom's smile.

- Julia?
- Yes?

Basketball game.
We need some players.

- Okay.
- Okay? Let's go.

All right. I'm gonna go.
I'll see you later.

- Is that the guy?
- That's the guy. That's Chris.

- No, we got to go.
- No, you're playing ball.

Come on.
Come on, guys, let's go.

Uh, guys, you don't want me--
you don't want me playing ball.

Hey, tell you what.
You can be team Captain.

Bring the ball. Let's go.
Wow.

All right, come on.

We're gonna go play basketball.

I'm gonna make this fast.

Okay.

[Overlapping chatter]

♪ No ulterior motives ♪

♪ all my focus on you ♪

♪ well, I can't hide ♪

Why the long face?

This is my castrated face.

My, uh--my wife
put my motorcycle in jail.

It's locked up.

- Oh, man.
- Yeah.

Well, I can see that bet
and raise you,

because I got no wheels at all,
two or four.

Plus, I got your mom
as a chauffeur.

Oof. Oof.

Then she's gonna take me
to physical therapy on Monday.

So, I mean, uh,
it's gonna take about a week.

[Chuckles]
Mm. Monday?

- Yeah.
- I'll drive you.

Yeah, yeah, let me drive you.

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.

We'll make a day of it.

So we'll get the women
out of the picture.

We'll go together.
It'll be great.

I'm looking forward to it.
Okay.

♪ Girl, who's kidding ♪

Put it up! Put it up!

- Oh!
- Oh!

I'll be back.
I'm gonna go lay her down.

Okay. Nap time.

♪ You keep surprising me ♪

♪ with all your thoughts
and views ♪

♪ na na na na na na na na ♪

Oh!

- Oh, you got to take it out!
- Oh!

Put it up!

Oh, nice!
[Clapping]

Oh!

Put it up!

- Yeah!
- Oh!

- All right. Be ready, Syd.
- Get it, Syd! Oh!

[Tires screech]

This is on rails, right?

There you go.
This is a little more like it.

Yeah, these miniature vans
have full-sized power nowadays.

In fact,
I'm gonna up the experience.

- Ah.
- Yeah.

A little wind in the hair, huh?

- There you go!
- Easy rider style.

- There you go.
- Get these buffoons

out of the way, huh?
Hey, I think we're up here

on the right-hand side.
This is us? Right here.

Oh. I got it. I'm on it.
Hold on. Hold on!

Coming in hot.
Coming in hot.

- Oh.
- Okay.

- Oh, man! Oh, yeah!
- Yeah.

[Tires screech]

Oh, and we're early.
Yeah?

I'm gonna park.
I'll come in with you.

- We're early?
- Yeah.

I had my eyes closed.

I feel like
I've gone through time.

- You're a day early.
- Oh, man.

I'll hang in the waiting room
with you, if that's--

- no, no, no. Come on.
That's silly.

It's your day of freedom, son.

You go and have some fun,
you know what I'm saying?

You don't want to spend
a lot of time...

- Well...
- In the stupid waiting room.

This is my day
to hang out with you, though.

- I don't think so.
- You sure?

- Yeah, I'm sure.
- Okay.

I did see a vintage guitar shop
around the corner, so--

- okay.
All right.

I'll be able to waste
an hour or two there.

Yeah,
you just have a good time,

and if I'm not out in an hour,
you come in and get me.

- Okay. That's good.
- Okay.

[Car door closes]

- Hey, Max.
- Hey, bud.

We just wanted to have
a quick conversation with you

about this girl that you like.
Dylan.

- Yes, Dylan.
- Yeah, Dylan.

We just wanted to talk to you

about how these relationships
between young boys

and girls work.
Mmhmm.

I know how they work.

- You know how they work.
- Oh, well, okay.

That's probably true,
but here's the thing.

Your dad and I have been
in a relationship

for so long that we are
practically experts at it,

and we've learned a lot
along the way,

so we wanted
to share our knowledge with you.

Normally to become
an expert in something,

you have to not just
have done it for a long time

but have an advanced degree
as well.

Well, they don't hand out
advanced degrees

in relationships, Max,
but if they did...

- They should.
- We'd have it.

I can guarantee that your
mother and I would have one.

- We'd have it for sure.
- Yeah.

- What's your wisdom?
- Okay.

Where do you want to start?
Great.

Um, well, what we've learned
along the way

is that sometimes
in relationships,

people can like each other
at different levels.

Right?
Right.

- So--
- So, for example,

on a scale of one to five,
five being highest,

you might like somebody
at a five, and they might

like you back only at a two...
Right.

And that's okay. They just
want to be your friend.

That's normal.
It's a very normal thing.

What are your numbers?

For each other?

Well, we're both at a five.
Five.

- Right?
- Yup.

And that is usually
how romantic relationships work.

People like each other
the same amount.

- Mm-hmm.
- Robust five.

- It has a balance.
- Yeah.

It doesn't always
start out that way, though.

I mean, things could change.

Your mother, when we first met,
thought that I was a two,

and now I'm a five.

- Well, yeah.
- What?

- So the numbers can change?
- It's true.

- Mm-mm.
- Yeah.

What?

Okay. So the scale
of affection is fluid?

Yeah. It is fluid.

It gets a little sticky,
but it's fluid.

- It's sticky fluid.
- It fluctuates.

- Really?
- Even within--

- so it's fluid enough
for the numbers to change.

- Yes.
- Actually, you know what?

You're right, buddy.

- It's the truth.
- It is the truth.

For example, your dad's number

is undergoing a change
as we speak, right?

All right, so, mom,
you're agreeing now

that numbers can change.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

What am I at right now?
4.95?

- 3.5.
- 3.5. Okay.

But I'll get that back
up to a five.

So you're still friends.

Yes.
We'll always be friends.

[Laughs] Good friends.

Huh.

So what are we doing here?

Oh, it's one
of my favorite spots.

Okay,
I can't help but point out

there's a vital piece
of this puzzle missing.

Oh, you noticed that?
Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Well, yeah.

I know I don't have a dog...
Yes.

A little weird,

but I grew up with a brown lab
and a border collie,

and I just miss
having them around, so--

you know, but I live
in a tiny apartment now,

and I decided that
I would crowdsource my needs.

[Chuckles]

Wow, and so the owners
don't care that you're,

like, being pervy
and playing with their dogs?

Not pervy.
No, they don't even notice.

Half the time,
they're on a cell phone, so--

- oh, wow.

So what do you want?
We got a pomeranian.

- Yeah.
- No problem.

We got a yellow lab.
Oh.

We've got those in spades.
We've got, um, golden retriever.

- Hmm.
- Whatever you want.

- What about this little munch?
- Ah, good eye.

You're cute,
but you have my heart.

You have my heart, bestie.
Hey there.

- Hey, little bud. Hello.
- Did you get left alone?

Did you get left alone?
Hello.

You're sweet.
Oh, you're a lover.

- Hi, Bubba. Aww.
- Oh, yeah.

What if there was,
like, an app for this?

- Like--yeah.
- Yeah.

You could just, like,
rent dog time.

That'd be cool, right?

I think that's--
no, that's a great idea.

I can do all the, uh,
backend programming,

and you run the company. Huh?
All right.

Split the profits
down the middle.

Well, 70/30.

It was my idea.
Yeah, great idea.

Yeah? Deal?

- Yeah.
- We got him.

- Shake on it.
- Sucker.

Do you want to shake on it?
No? Hmm.

It's a good girl.

- So, uh, dad?
- Yeah, buddy?

I was thinking that this year
I might want to play basketball.

Um, okay.
We can discuss it with your mom.

Isn't that gonna conflict
with baseball, though?

No, no. I know.

It's just that basketball has,
like, a lot more action,

and Chris says I'm a natural.

- Chris?
- Yeah. That's mom's friend.

He's so cool, dad.

He let me sit on his shoulders,
so I could make a basket.

Well, that's because
you're too short otherwise.

He also says I have really good
height and coordination...

- You do.
- And it's gonna take over

baseball
as our new national sport.

He what?
He said what?

It's gonna take over
as our new national sport.

Okay, well,
let me tell you something.

Basketball may be
a bigger money-making operation,

but it will never replace the
subtle beauty that is baseball.

Okay? Ever.

Your mother's friend

clearly doesn't know
what he's talking about.

That's insane.

I don't know, dad.

Chris is a lawyer,
and he works with mom,

so he's probably pretty smart.

And he's really good
at basketball.

Well, basketball
also leads to ankle injuries

and finger sprains,

and with the exception
of your mother,

most lawyers have
questionable morals, okay?

Can we just eat our pizza here?

Let's just enjoy our pizza.

- Oh. Hey, asperger's.
- Hi, Dylan.

We need to have a talk.

Okay. About what?

About the number
at which you like me.

I'm not following.
You're gonna need to back up.

A lot.

Understood.

It has come to my attention
that there's a basic scale

of affection on which
all human relationships operate,

and when a boy
and a girl fraternize,

it's important to understand
where on that scale

their feelings
for each other lie.

Somehow I missed this part
of the talk, but I can dig.

What are my options?
The scale is from one to five,

with five being
the peak of affection

and one being firmly
in the friend zone.

In our case,
I like you at a five.

Now, I need to know the best
quantitative representation

of your feelings for me.

Um, how about a two?

I can work with a two.

- You can?
- Yes.

Two is approximately
my mother's number for my father

when they met,
though that changed over time.

- I see.
- Yes.

In any case, the scale is fluid,
and I imagine I have a decade--

maybe more,
to change your mind.

[School bell rings]

I have to go to class now.

I will talk to you later, Dylan.

Hey, asperger's.

Maybe a 2 1/2.

- Hi there.
- Hey.

- Excuse me.
- Hey, can I help you?

Hey, I'm here
to pick up my father.

He's a real tall, ornery guy.
Zeek Braverman?

Of course.

He's actually just wrapping up
with one of our therapists.

Oh, okay. Great.

You can go back there
if you want.

- Right here?
- Yeah.

Just...
Oh.

Through this door
on your right.

- Okay. Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Think you can handle
a little more elevation?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bring it on. Here we go.

Okay.

[Treadmill beeping]

Ohh.

You okay?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Might have pushed you
just a bit too much.

Yeah. Yeah.

- You want some water?
- No. I just...

Everything okay?

Yeah. Great facility.

It's, uh, really good--
good.

[Alternative music]

[Knocks]

Hey, brother-o.
Hey.

- How's it going?
- Good. What's up?

- Just, uh, came to hang out.
- Really?

- Look at this.
- Wow.

Your new room. This...

- Yeah. Thank you.
- Trippy art.

Your tastes are changing.

What's actually going on?

You know me so well.

Well, it's hard
for me to admit this,

but you were right
about the Griffin situation.

What happened?

We just, like,
went on our first date,

and it was so fun,

and now I like him.

Yeah, like,
you want to see him again?

Yeah, like, I want to--
I want to keep hanging out,

and I just--
I don't know what to do.

You gotta just tell him.

Right. Yeah.

I know, like, eventually,

but, I mean,
it just seems silly to,

like, cut something off
at the pass just, you know,

without even knowing
what it is first. I mean, like--

- you don't really know
if you're cutting it off,

and the thing is,
if it keeps going on

and then you tell him,

it's gonna seem like
you were lying the whole time.

Yeah.

And you have no idea
how he's gonna react to it.

He could be totally fine
with it,

and you guys
could keep seeing each other

and see if it's,
like, you know,

gonna actually go somewhere.
Yeah.

But if you actually
like him, then he should know.

Yeah. You're right.

[Door opens]

Hey!

- Hey.
- How'd it go?

Oh, it was a piece of cake.

Yeah. Good.

How long you been here?

Two seconds.
I just walked in.

Perfect timing.
Do you pay or--

- nope.
It's all taken care of.

I'm all taken care of.

Thank you, Cheryl.
Mmhmm. See you next week.

Okay.

Do you want to go grab a drink
or something?

Cros, I'm off the sauce.
You know?

I'm kind of on the sauce,

so maybe I could drink
for both of us.

You want to watch me
have a couple cocktails?

Yeah, okay.
That could be fun, I think.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Little midday party.
- [Chuckles]

[Knocking on door] Yeah?

[Door opens]

Joel's here to see you.

Joel Graham.
Yeah.

- Your--
- Yeah.

Uh, okay. Good.
Send him in.

- You can see her.
- [Clears throat]

What are you doing here?

Great question.
Um, why don't you guess?

Close the door, please.

What are you doing?

You're back with your, uh,
college sweetheart.

- I am seeing Chris, yes.
- Mm-hmm.

That is the person
who I've been seeing,

and I have a right
to not feel bad about that.

You have every right.

What you do not have
a right to do

is to go around
introducing our kids

to whoever it is you feel like
sleeping with that week.

Joel, you are upset,
and I understand that.

Recognize that this was
an accident.

- It was an accident?
- It was an accident!

You just accidentally

invited him over
to your brother's house,

and he was accidentally
playing ball with our kids?

Chris came over
for a work thing.

Adam wouldn't let him leave.
A work thing at...

- It was an accident...
- The Braverman house.

Perfect.
And I had always intended

to talk to you
about this beforehand.

So you were planning
to talk to me?

- Yes!
- Great.

If something like this
was gonna happen,

I was gonna talk to you!

What do you mean
if something like this--

- with the kids!
- So--

so you're saying this guy's
gonna be in our kids' lives?

- No.
- That's what--

- I-I don't know.

Because that's not
a small thing.

No, it's not a small thing,
but I don't know.

I don't know.
I don't have to know.

I'm just sorry
that it went down this way.

[Knocking on door]

Come in.
[Door opens]

Your 2:30 just arrived.

Great.
We're just wrapping up.

[Door closes]

[Whistle blows on TV]

Oh.
Oh, that's nice.

Hey, you remember
when you took Adam and I

camping in yosemite?

And we were obsessed about
getting attacked by a bear?

You remember that?
Yeah.

And we were talking
about how to defend ourselves

against a predator like that?

He was gonna use karate.

I was gonna use a club,
and finally you go,

"would you guys stop
obsessing about this bear?"

"There are no bears here."
Right. Right.

And then on cue,

the biggest bear in yosemite
comes charging out of the woods.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- You remember that?

I mean, it only seemed that big

'cause you were
about 2 feet tall.

That thing was humongous!
Adam froze stiff.

I dropped to the ground

'cause I thought you were
supposed to pretend you're dead,

and then you immediately--

two steps forward,

hands over head,
"get out of here, bear!

Scram!"
Yeah.

- "Beat it!"
- Well, I--

- and that bear
took off like a cat.

Yeah. That's what you do
with a black bear.

Oh, sure.
That's what a man does.

You don't do that
with a grizzly.

Okay.

What happens
if you do that with a grizzly?

You run.
[Cell phone rings]

- At you--
- As fast as you can.

Here we go. Jasmine's gonna
ask me if I wore my seatbelt.

Not even her.
Hello? Hey, mom.

Yeah. Of course I'm with him.
Ah. Let me talk to her.

She said you don't ever
answer your phone.

- Yeah.
- Okay, you want to talk?

Yeah, he's ready for you.

Hello?

Zeek, I was
so worried about you!

You were supposed to be home
an hour ago.

Oh, well, yeah, I mean,
Camille, everything's fine.

Nothing happened. I'm just
sitting here talking to Crosby.

Yeah, except
that you have four pills

that you're supposed to take
that you don't have with you.

Are you in a bar?
Yeah.

I'm in a bar,

but I'm not drinking,
so you don't need to worry.

And by the way, Camille,
I'm not your patient.

Yeah, well,
someone has to look after you

because you obviously
can't look after yourself.

[Sighs] Look.

I'm sitting here
having a good time with my son,

and when we're done, I'll be
home, but not before then.

Is that all right?
Of course.

It's only your health.
That's all.

Good. All right.
See you.

[Exhales]

You'll learn how to do that.

You just toed the line.

That is how you--
I got to take notes.

- Hey, you want another one?
- I certainly do.

Should we get another round?
Yeah.

Can we get a soda,
hold the whiskey,

and a whiskey, hold the soda?

Say "Otis, sit."

- Sit, Otis.
- Sit, Otis.

- Sit.
- Sit, Otis.

Sit.

We'll get there.
Sit, Otis.

- Sit, Otis.
- Sit.

- Hey, Max.
- Sit, Otis.

- How was school, bud?
- Go get your ball for me, okay?

Dylan currently likes me
at a 2 1/2.

Though you both claim to be
experts on the subject,

I'm not sure
that your advice is enough

to bring that up to a five,

so I've consulted
outside sources.

What do you have here?

- Double your dating.
- Oh, boy.

What every man
should know about how to be

successful with women
by James Turner.

The mystery method:
How to get any woman

into bed with you by mystery

with Chris odom.
Okay.

Andthe game:
Penetrating the secret society

of pickup artists by Jeff Lee,

who is the best-selling author

of if the boat's a-rockin',
don't come a-knockin'.

Wait a minute.

Max, these are not really
books about dating.

They're pickup books.
They're written by con artists.

Of course they're books
about dating.

This one has "dating"
in the title.

I know it does, but let me
just talk to you about it, okay?

You don't need
to read these books.

- Honey, these are...
- No.

These are books by experts
in a subject

that I'm interested in.

How many books have you written
on the subject of dating?

- None, but I can talk--
- None. Exactly.

I'm gonna read these in my room
until dinner.

- All right.
- That's good.

Hey. This is not my fault.

That is good.

I didn't encourage him
to go get those books.

It is your fault.
You are encouraging him.

Honey, you're undermining...
No, I'm not.

- Our whole plan.
- How?

- Yes, you are, by saying...
- No, I'm not.

"I was once a two.
I was once a two."

I was trying to be
encouraging, that was a--

a story about us. You said...
- I was flirting with you.

- I was a two. I know.
- That was different.

I was trying to get him
to understand the game.

I get that, okay?

But this girl
is not gonna like him that way.

- Why not?
- Plain and simple.

- Why? Why not?
- I--because.

- Because why?
- [Sighs]

Adam, really?
What?

Because Max is different?

Because he's difficult?

I know he is, but so are all the
other kids at chambers academy.

They're all--they're a potpourri
of freaks, like Dylan said.

Right?

So why not Max?

I need to believe
this is possible.

- Okay.
- Okay.

But those books are not--
he cannot read those books.

- They're gone. Right now.
- Okay?

- Okay.
- Promise.

I'll take 'em away right now.
I promise you.

- All right.
- Okay?

I love you. Come here.

- I love you too.
- All right.

This guy.

All right, this way.
So...

- Down at the end of the hall.
- You live here?

Yeah. I live here.

Why?

Uh, no. Just--
is it less scary during the day?

No, it's pretty much
exactly the same. What?

You don't think it has
a sort of rustic charm?

It's got--
it's got something.

[Laughs]

God, you know, you're such
a preppy, like, tech guy.

- I am not.
- You totally are.

[Laughs]
Well, maybe a little bit.

I've got my sweater on.

Yeah.

I--

- what?

I... um, I just have a question.

Shoot. What do you got?

How do you feel about, uh,

going out with somebody
that has some baggage?

I think that most smart,
uh, complicated,

gorgeous people have it.

I-I think that's
what makes them interesting.

Um

is this about you
not drinking at dinner?

I have a lot of friends
who have been through aa.

- No. I--no, no.
- I'm totally not prejudiced.

I think it's like
high blood pressure.

I wish it was that.
It's--

I'm--I'm pregnant.

With a baby?

That's--that's the kind
of pregnant I am, yes.

Wow. Um, you don't look it.

- Oh.
- Congratulations.

- Thank you, thank you.
- I'm sorry.

But, you know, I'm not--
I'm not seeing anybody.

I'm--I'm totally single.

The father
is not in the picture,

so I'm just gonna do it alone.

II respect that.
That's--

- thanks. Yeah, but--

so, I mean,
do you still want to come in,

and we can hang--
we can hang out?

Uh, you know, I--
uh, crap.

I do, um--I got a-a busy day
at work tomorrow.

- Mm-hmm.
- I totally, uh, forgot.

It's, uh--
Okay.

We're beta-launching
our new app.

It's just--it's gonna be crazy.

I should probably
get some sleep.

Yeah.

Uh, I'll--I'll call you.
Okay?

Yeah, okay.

Good night.

Bye.

It's just been
one crappy thing after another.

You know, these artists,

they're not artists.
They're babies.

They're--all of 'em
are self-destructive babies

with zero conscience.

They just--they can't wait
to stab you in the back.

Oliver Rome--
he's gone.

We have no money now coming
into the luncheonette.

So, you know,
Adam and I are scrambling,

and then when I get home,

Jasmine is like,
"where have you been?

How long are you gonna
be out next time?" You know?

"What--
are you riding a motorcycle?"

And it just doesn't end,
and then Jabbar is so sweet.

I love him so much, but,

you know, every time
I walk in the door,

it's, "we gotta go
to the trampoline thing.

We got to go to see a movie,
go play catch."

I barely play with him,

you know, 'cause I fractured
these two ribs,

and speaking of which,
you know,

I-I go to the doctor,
and the guy says, "you know,

it's gonna take a while
at your age, to heal,"

and I was like, "at my age?"
Hold it. Hold it.

Hold it. Hold it.
How did you fracture your ribs?

I got in a, uh,
small motorcycle thing.

You know, like, just a--
it's not a big deal.

Don't--you don't
look at me like that.

Don't be on her side,

'cause that's all I got left
is that motorcycle.

No. I know
what it's like, though.

You got a house full of kids.

You got no money cg in,

and you feel like
you're in the middle of things,

and you're being pushed

and pulled
in different directions.

Exactly.

Well...

You got to--

you got to try to enjoy it, son,

you know?

Have a little fun,

and scare the bear.

It just goes by fast.

♪ Forever I will move ♪

♪ like the world
that turns beneath me ♪

♪ and when I lose
my direction ♪

♪ I'll look up to the sky ♪

Knock, knock.

Hi.
Hey.

Treat delivery. Ha ha!
Okay.

Let's see what...
Thank you.

Cool bad-boy stuff
we got in here.

Vodka. Huh?
It's the nice stuff.

- Uh-huh.
- Won't give you a headache.

Enjoy that.
What else?

Oh, look. Skull bong.
I'm ready to let go.

Why are you giving me
skull bong?

You've been eyeing it forever,
and now it's yours.

Congratulations.
Okay. Thank you.

Let's see.
What else do we have here?

Oh. What skull bong
would be complete

without
a little medical-grade...

- Wow.
- Sweet, sweet green.

- Thank you.
- Enjoy.

- This is--
- Have some good ideas on that.

- You can't have it...
- What else do we have?

Ooh, look.
'Cause of pregnancy?

- Condoms!
- I don't want your...

Because nobody's ever
gonna want to touch me again.

- Amber--
- Here you go, all for you.

I don't want your condoms.

Well, I can't have it.

I can't have any of it.
Can't have anything.

Can't even have
a successful relationship now.

You talked to him?

I told him about it, and...

I think you can imagine
how it went.

- Yeah.
- He was just like, "okay.

Yeah. I'll call you."

It was, like, too classic.
Yeah.

I'm sorry, Amber.

You know, Amber, it's
just a hard thing, you know?

It's gonna be hard for a minute.
[Sighs] Yeah. I know.

Doesn't really have
anything to do with you.

It's just like--
It's just a bummer, you know?

Like...
Yeah.

I knew that,

like, everything was gonna
be different, you know?

Obviously, and I-I didn't know
I--derailed.

I mean, my life is, like,
completely over as I know it.

Okay. Your life is not over,
seriously.

You're giving me all your stuff

that you can have back
in a few months.

You know?

It's not over.

You know, right now
is a weird time.

And you kind of did it
out of order,

but that does not mean
that your life's over

or that you're not gonna
meet anybody

or never have
a boyfriend again.

Seriously.

Oh, the minivan.

- Yup. Watch your head.
- Yay!

- Watch your head.
- Where's the babies?

- At home with my mother.
- Okay.

- Careful.
- No, no, no. Don't do that.

You know, Crosby,
I don't want to hear it, just--

- don't leave him with your mom.

Jasmine, gee, you know,

thank you for doing this.
No problem.

Camille doesn't drive well
at night, and, uh,

he was in quite a state, so--
Yeah.

I am fine, thank you!

You're drunk.

Well, it was just gonna
be me and Cros,

you know, having a good talk,

and things got out of hand,
so...

Hmm.

I'm, uh--I'm sorry.

I apologize.
It's not your fault.

It's not.

[Sighs]

I'm worried about him.

Yeah, me too.

All right.
That's a great start.

We've got art,
and we've got animals.

Those are two great topics
to start a conversation with.

So you're good.

I still don't understand

how she could like horses
more than lizards.

How come?

Horses are inferior.

Okay, good point, but, Max,

women are mysterious creatures.

They're not always gonna
like exactly what you like.

The books say that I should
highlight my best qualities.

I think that's good advice.
What do you think they are?

- I don't know.
- No?

- What do you think, mom?
- Hey.

Hi.
Um, what do I think?

Gosh, that's tough
because there are so many.

- Yeah.
- There are so many.

How to list them all?
You're smart.

Very smart.

One of the smartest people
I know.

Brilliant, actually.
Great photographer.

Mmhmm.
A wonderful photographer.

You have a great eye.
You're quickwitted.

Mmhmm.
That's for sure.

Um, you are funny.

- Great lover of animals.
- Mm-hmm.

You're, um, honest.

You're very, very honest.

You are brave.

You have a huge heart.

♪ How far ♪

♪ can I go? ♪

♪ who are you? ♪

♪ do you even have a clue? ♪
[Door opens]

- Hey.
- Hi.

You look fantastic.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

So I hope you're ready

for some absolutely amazing
French cuisine

because I found
the perfect place to take you.

- Oh? Where?
- Mm-hmm.

♪ Is there someone else ♪

You grocery shopped?

There's two more just like it.

Mmhmm.
Does this mean you're cooking?

I'm cooking.

- You don't cook.
- I don't grocery shop either.

Okay.
[Laughs]

Look, I'm sorry if I've been
putting pressure on you

to define things.

I'm really sorry
that I crashed your barbecue.

I'm really sorry about that.

I, uh--I like this.

I like this,
and I just want to keep going

at whatever speed
you're comfortable with.

I can't believe you're cooking.

No one is more surprised
than I am.

I may have oversold the cuisine
just a touch.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

But I can promise you

there's not gonna be
any gossipy moms in my kitchen.

♪ Do you know your family? ♪

You know what?
Let's go out.

Yeah.
Out, like in public?

- Out.
- Really?

- Let's go out.
- You sure about this?

Let's go the French place.

You want to go
to the French place?

Yeah.

There could be moms
at the French place.

There could be
moms at the French place.

- Can you handle that?
- I'll live.

♪ ♪