Parenthood (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 2 - Left Field - full transcript

Victor learns to be a Braverman and Kristina's world is suddenly altered.

Help wanted, huh?

I'm actually looking for a job.

I need someone
with photography experience.

Oh, my God!

It's been five months.

We can't keep walking
on eggshells

around this boy.

I feel like I'm waiting

to fall in love with our son.

Today's the big day, huh?
Amy comes back from camp.

She seems kind of distant
or something.



Oh, my God,
I missed you so much.

I missed you too.

I just have to tell you

that I got into Cornell
early admission.

I'm gonna miss you.

Ohh.

I love our son, but I love
when he's at grandma's.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, next time
let's do it in the laundry room.

- Mm.
- We'll get every room

in the house.

Uhoh.
That could be her.

Could be your mama.



Don't answer it.

Oh.
No, it's Adam.

"Remind Amber
to pick up toner tomorrow"?

Are you kidding me?

These are the texts he's sending
at 10:00 P.M.?

We are officially
the hottest Braverman couple.

You know,
this really drives me nuts.

It takes Crosby forever
to respond

to an email or a text.

How hard could it be
just to say, "okay, I got it"?

Maybe he's busy, honey.

Honey, it's Sunday night.

Ohh.

What?
What are you looking at?

- Nothing.
- Honey, what are you...

It's nothing.
What?

What are you looking
at puppies for?

We always talked
about getting a dog.

No.
No, we didn't.

- Yes, we did.
- No, we haven't.

Adam.

Listen, we have.
Look at how cute this guy...

Oh, come on, honey,
I know that you miss Haddie,

but really?

This dog does not look
like Haddie.

Haddie... that dog looks exactly
like Haddie.

- This one?
- Yes.

No, it doesn't.
Okay, maybe a little bit.

The curls
are a little different.

- Mm-hmm.
- The eyes are not the same.

- What's going on here?
- Nothing.

Nothing. I'm just looking.
Okay.

I'm not saying we're going
to get a dog.

We're talking about a dog.

We're talking
about getting a dog?

- Mm-hmm.
- Honey, I love dogs,

but I also know
what a royal pain in the ass

having a puppy can be.
They're cute. They're cuddly.

That guy is going
to destroy my house.

He's gonna crap
all over the place.

So what?
So do you.

I'm just kidding.
They're cute, honey,

but it's a big...
it's a big commitment.

They are cute.
Research shows

that this dog
would be good for Max

as a companion.

They're compatible for kids

on the autism spectrum,
they are.

Mmhmm.
All right.

Well, let's just make sure
we take a beat

before we just run off
and get a dog.

Let's make sure we're thinking
rationally about this.

And there's another one
I want to show you too.

It's a 14-year commitment.

This one looks like your mom.

Ruff.
We'll think about it.

Smile
and say, "senior."

"Senior." Oh, wait.
Hold on, I'm on video.

Crud. One more time,
one more time.

- I really have to pick her up
at 7:45, so...

- I know, I know, I know.
- Wait, wait, wait.

We got to get this.
It won't stop recording.

Okay, smile.

- Good. Yeah.
- Yay!

Great.
I'm glad we got that.

Hey, grandson, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I want to tell you something.
Mmhmm.

Now, for the next 12 months,
I want you to behold

the breast of knowledge,
thrust yourself upon it,

and suck.
Gross, dad.

Why does knowledge have boobs?

Uh, listen, honey, pick me up
at 5:00, okay?

Don't forget.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And, listen, if you use
the blinker

and the windshield wipers

at the same time,
the car will shake, so...

- Oh, jeez.
- It's actually not raining.

But.
Well, you never know.

Honey, have a great first day.
All right.

- Yup.
- Say hi to Amy.

- Bye, guys. I will.
- Be polite to everybody.

- Bye, guys.
- Don't forget to...

Wash your hands.
Bye.

See you later, gran...
"wash your hands"?

I don't know.

One anchovy-peanut butter
sandwich.

That's your favorite, right?
No.

Thank you.
Hey, Victor.

Come get your lunch.

Oh, yeah, don't forget
your sugar water.

- Orange.
- Victor?

Buddy, we don't want you
to be late on your first day

of school.

Hi.

I don't feel good.

What's the matter?

My head hurts,
and so does my stomach.

Oh, boy.

Let's see.

Okay, well,
you don't feel too warm.

It's mostly my stomach.

Hey.

Guys, it's ten till.
What's going on?

Victor doesn't feel well.

I think that we're gonna have
to keep you home.

But, hon, it's the first day.

I know,
but what if he's contagious?

And, you know,
we can't do that.

Can you stay,
and I'll take Syd?

Yeah, yeah.

And I will call you in an hour.

Okay, buddy?
I do not like you being sick.

All right.
All right.

Bye, daddy.
Bye, Victor. Feel better.

- Bye.
- Bye. Have a good day.

- You too.
- Love you, daddy.

Bye, ladies.

All right, man.

Well, let's head upstairs
and get you into bed.

Can I lay on the couch?
There's a TV there.

- Okay.
- And that brings us to Friday.

DRT.
What is DRT?

- Oh, it's...
- Dave ray trio.

- Yes.
- Jazz and stuff.

And they are scheduled
for half a day only.

Why?
Because they couldn't afford

a whole day.

Well, we have a half day
that's unbooked.

What are we gonna...
I don't know.

Do you want me to see

if I can move Landon's session
to then?

I'm sorry. Hold on.
That is a great idea.

Yes, thank you.
I'm gonna get some coffee.

What is that incessant beeping

that it's doing?

It's just a calendar app
that I have.

Kristina lets me know if she
adds something to our schedule.

Well, it's real annoying.
It's going off all the time.

Yeah, just like a guy who
plays a guitar during a meeting.

I happen to like this app,
okay?

We have busy lives.
It keeps us in sync.

- Let's see what she just added.
- Give me that back.

- Can we? Oh, she has
a hair appointment at 1:00.

Thank God that came through.
It's good for me to know that.

- "We have dinner at 6:00."
- Yup.

Maybe forgot to eat
if that wasn't there.

Can we get back
to the schedule, please?

- Trip to the gynecologist?
- Do you mind?

That's private information.
10:00 P.M. to question mark...

Funkytown.

What?

What is Funkytown?

It's nothing.
Give me the phone.

- It's open-ended. It goes from
10:00 to God knows when.

I don't know what it is.

You're calling sex
"Funkytown."

No, we are not.
No, we do not.

Yes, you are.

- Then what is Funkytown?
- All right.

So what?
Give me back the phone.

What?
This is rough.

You're scheduling sex
with your wife?

Yeah. Look, we have plenty
of unscheduled sex, okay?

Once in a while,
we have dry spells,

and we rely on going
to Funkytown,

and you will to, my friend.

Nah, I don't think so.

We had impromptu sex
on the kitchen floor last night.

And let me tell you,
we did not have to schedule it.

Niece.
Niece is in the room.

Libidos took over.

- Niece.
- Libidos.

- Niece, 11:00.
- Whew.

Very funny.

Is thatFunkytown?

I love that song.

♪ Won't you take me
to Funkytown? ♪

It's a good song.
Thank you so much.

- You're welcome.
- Thank you.

- That was good.
- Ha.

♪ May God bless
and keep you always ♪

♪ And may your wishes
all come true ♪

♪ May you always do
for others ♪

♪ And let others do for you

♪ may you build a ladder
to the stars ♪

♪ And climb on every rung

♪ and may you stay

♪ forever young

♪ may you grow up
to be righteous ♪

♪ May you grow up to be true ♪

♪ May you always know
the truth ♪

♪ And see the lights
surrounding you ♪

♪ May you always be
courageous ♪

♪ Stand upright and be strong ♪

♪ And may you stay

♪ forever young

♪ May you stay

yeah, so my mom said I could use
her car

twice a week, so...

That's awesome.

Yeah, if you want,
we can make it like

a regular thing.

You know, that way
you don't have to take the bus.

All right, well,
is everything okay?

You're all quiet.

Drew, we need to talk.

I, um...

I met a guy this summer.

At camp.

And it's...
I mean, it's not like...

it's not serious or...

What, are you, like, breaking
up with me or something?

Please don't be mad.

I really care about you.

And, I mean, I still want
to be friends.

I'm sorry.

I wanted to tell you sooner,
but I just...

I couldn't, and then...
Yeah, you don't want

to walk in the first day
of senior year

with me attached to you,
I get it.

Drew.

Justohh.
You should just go.

The... the bell's gonna ring.

Like, you're gonna be late,
so...

Hey.

How is he?

I'll let you ask him yourself.

Hey...
Your mom wants to talk to you,

if you're up to it.

Hello?

Yeah, my stomach still hurts,

but I think the soup is making
it a little bit better.

Yeah, I think
it will be good tomorrow.

The gray?

It's nice, right?

- It's not horrible, but...
- No.

It's not good.
It's not good.

No, I-I...
you're right.

How about this, though?
I thought that was...

Oh, yeah.
It's too tan.

No, I don't like it either.
Ooh, drew's here.

Listen, he's a nice kid,
but he's very shy.

Don't scare him.

We having a playdate now?

No, it was his first day
of senior year,

so you might like
to ask him a question.

No.
No, I don't.

Hi. How was it?

- It was fine.
- It was okay?

You didn't crash the car?
No.

Drew, you remember Hank
from the family portrait.

Hank, this is my son drew, who
you've been wanting to talk to.

Huh?

Hey, so I gave drew the car

so that he could drive
his girlfriend Amy

to their first day of school.
How was it?

Is she in the car?

Just
I don't want to talk about it.

- Did something happen?
- Yes, mom, something happened.

Can we not talk about it
in here for seriously?

She broke up with me.
Oh, my God.

The first day?
Yes.

Okay. All right.
I'll see you in the car.

She broke up with him,
first day of school.

Uhhuh.

Love, man.

It sucks.

How comforting.

Thank you.

It's insanity.

Every time Kristina adds
something to their calendar,

his phone starts dinging.

So all day long at work

it's just ding, ding,
ding, ding,

as she adds "hair appointment,"
"Max," "this and that,".

"I'm gonna burp,"
wa-wa-wa-wa.

I mean, whoo.
Well, why do you care?

Maybe it works for them.
Wouldn't that drive you crazy

if every time I added something
to our schedule

your phone started vibrating
and making noise?

Oh, well, I wouldn't know,

because we've never had one.

Mmhmm.
That's right.

And we should never have one.

I'm telling you,
the second you start planning

every little detail
of your life weeks in advance...

they schedule sex.

They call it "Funkytown."

- Oh, that's cute.
- Yeah, the second

we start doing that, we are
officially old and married.

Well, we are old and married.

Well, maybe you're old
and married... I'm not.

I'm in a hot, steamy
relationship that sometimes ends

on the floor of this kitchen.
Ooh, now that is Funkytown.

- What's for dinner?
- Well, we've got

some really yummy salmon
and rice and salad.

Aww.

What?
It's good.

It's gonna be delicious.
Can we go somewhere else?

Hey, I have an idea.

Maybe we just flip
this whole thing on its head,

put this in the fridge
for tomorrow,

and then go out for pizza.

- Yeah.
- What do you think?

No, no, I made dinner.

It's ready to go.
We're gonna sit down and eat.

You don't want to eat salmon
the next day.

I mean,
we could be those people

that can't break any rules,

or we could be the people

that eat the salmon tomorrow,

tonight we do pizza.

- Yeah.
- What do you say?

Please, mom, please,
please, please.

- Fine, fine.
- Yes.

All right.

- ♪ Do do do.
- Please.

♪ We talk about it

♪ talk about it,
talk about it ♪

♪ Won't you take me
to Funkytown? ♪

♪ Won't you take me
to Funkytown? ♪

- Hi.
- Honey.

Welcome home.

I got one
of your favorite bottles.

- Wow, thank you.
- Funky lady.

I made you a cornish game hen.

Mm, that's
a funky-looking hen.

I, um, I need to talk
to you about something.

- What? Oh.
- Well, I had a...

- whoops.
- A whoopsie today.

- Yeah, you had a whoopsie?
- I had a whoopsie.

What kind of a whoopsie
did you have?

I may have told Max that...

hey, dad, mom said
we're getting a dog.

- What?
- I never said that.

- And this is the one I want.
- When did this... honey.

- Come here, look.
- He's doing research.

- She's a golden retriever.
- Great-looking dog.

See, golden retrievers
were first bred in Scotland.

They're a mix between
water spaniels and labradors.

And, now, the reason
they're called retrievers

is because men
would go out hunting.

You see, they would shoot
the birds,

and sometimes the birds
would fall into the pond.

They would need a cool dog

to be able to go swim
and retrieve them, you see.

Okay, let's just slow down
for a second, buddy.

I want to talk
to your mom about this.

Now, mom,
we are looking at dogs.

We're thinking
about getting a dog.

We're not necessarily
getting a dog.

Why wouldn't we?
They're loyal,

and they're gentle,

and they have
a whimsical personality.

They're whimsical.

And they're
the perfect family companions.

Oh, I know they're whimsical.
I understand.

Dad, this lady and her partner,

they've got one left,
and they live in Sausalito,

and they're open from 12:00
to 3:00 tomorrow.

- A dog.
- I know.

- It's a dog. Yeah.
- It's only 23.6 Miles away

on the I-580 west.
Max, listen to mom.

Look at me. Hold on,
both of you, for a second.

I never once said, ever...
thank you, babe.

- What did you say?
- I never once said

that we were for sure
getting a dog.

Yeah, you said that you and
dad talked about getting a dog.

- We spoke...
- This is it.

This is the one I want.

Dad, this dog, it's amazing.

We're getting
this dog tomorrow.

- Max.
- Yes!

Oh, my God, Max.
Honey.

You know how impossible
this is gonna be.

- I never said...
- Now he thinks

we're getting this dog.

I said that we would
talk about it.

Now I'm gonna have
to go explain to him

that we may not even get a dog.
Honey, we just had a baby.

- No, I just had a baby, okay?
- Apple, apple.

- I squirted the baby out.
- I understand, okay?

- I'm the one.
- Can you give her an apple?

It's not an apple.

It's a tomato.
I'll talk to him.

I will talk to him.
This is my fault.

I'm sorry.

We can still go to Funkytown.

Okay.

Okay.

99.1.
He's not going.

That's nothing.

Honey, well, he says he's sick.

What do you want me to do?
Call him a liar?

So what are we gonna do,

let him stay home another day
and play video games?

I have meetings
for the remodel.

Okay, you go.
I'll stay.

- So you're gonna miss work?
- Yeah.

If that's what it takes.

Babe, I honestly think
this is one of those moments

they talked to us about.

We need to earn his trust.

He needs to feel loved
and supported.

If that means missing
a few days of school,

you know, who cares?
In the big picture?

Okay.
Big picture.

- All right?
- Mommy.

- Hey.
- I don't feel good.

I think I got Victor's bug.

My head's really hurting.

Syd, you're fine.
What is today?

I don't know.

You don't know?
It's Tuesday.

It's art class.

You're gonna put your smock on,

get your hands in the Clay.

You're gonna feel
so much better, aren't you?

Let's go.
Well, I am making a vase.

You are?

Oh, my gosh.
How big is this vase?

Do you want another one, honey?

- No.
- Are they not good?

Raw on the inside again?

- They're just not...
- Yeah, easy, easy.

Honey, I'm just worried
about you.

- Well, I'm fine, so...
- Yeah.

Well, it's tough, you know.
Women.

They just...
they rip your heart out...

- Dad, this is not helpful.
- Everybody knows about this?

Dad knows.

Stuff it back in,
then watch it bleed.

Dad, don't...
that's not...

we're trying to keep
his spirits up.

Right.

Women are great.

You know,
people just sometimes...

I don't need to hear
advice about...

whoo, they miss each other,

and it's gonna be...

You know, better someday soon.

Someday.

That's probably Amy right now.

"Take me back."
Wow, mom,

please stop watching
everything I'm doing.

It's not Amy.

It's some spammer trying to sell
me a male enhancement pill

for a bigger penis.

- Oh, my.
- That was what it was.

Well, you know,
when life gives you lemons.

Dad.

He could be named cream puff.
I like that.

Or marshmallow.

Dad, we need this dog.

We're getting this dog
right now.

He's very cute,
but remember, Max,

we're just looking.
They're so cute.

We're just looking
at this point.

- I know, but they're all so...
- Have you ever owned

a dog before, sir?
I actually have owned a dog.

I did.
I owned a Shih Tzu.

And it got out, but...
it got hit by a moving van,

but it was not my fault.
Honey.

Hey, you can't housebreak
those dogs.

Right.

I had a dog when I was a kid,

but now we have a turtle,
have a lizard.

Well, what's
your living situation?

- Excuse me?
- Our living situation?

Well, is it a condo?
It it an apartment?

What does that have
to do with anything?

It's a house with a big yard,

lots of room to run.
Have a yard.

You are going to show her.

Show her what?

You mean, your intent
on acquiring one

of these championship stock

is to turn it
into a household pet?

Yeah, well,
it's a dog, isn't it?

No?

Honey.
Come on.

- What?
- Just stop talking.

All right, you know what,

let's just cut to the chase.

How much do you want
for the dog?

Well, you're gonna need

some training sessions,

of course dietary supplements,

and a travel crate
for the show dog.

No, no, no, we just...
just the dog.

How much you want for him?
Hi.

- Well, it's a her.
- Okay.

Yeah, should we decide
that your family

are capable
of being good dog owners...

We are.

Our Goldens go for $1,200.

That's right.

- Oh, man.
- Okay. Well.

All right, dad, let's do it.

That's good to know.

I think we have to sleep on it.

- Let's do it.
- Max.

We can afford it.
We're rich.

- It's a lot of money.
- We're rich.

- We're not rich.
- We're rich.

- We're not rich.
- We're very well off.

Well, I can do
a 24-hour hold

for a $200 deposit.

And that's cash or check.

Mom, write the check right now.

Mr. Braverman, look,
I got to be honest here,

this puppy's
not gonna last long.

Why, is it sick?

- No, popular.
- Write the check.

- I'm not writing a check.
- Write the check.

I'm not... Max.

- Write the check.
- Adam.

We're gonna sleep on it,

and we'll give you a call
tomorrow.

It's a beautiful dog.

- No.
- Hi.

I love Ethiopian food.

I've been wanting to go there.

Yeah, okay, let me just talk
to Crosby,

and I'll call you right back.

Okay, bye.
Hey.

Heeey.

That was Kim checking
on dinner for Friday night.

We need to give her an answer.

- Kim?
- Yeah.

Arlo's mom.

Friday night's rough.

I don't want to be
in the session

just staring at my watch
the whole time.

You know, the musicians
can kind of sense that.

Come on.
It'll be fun.

- Well...
- We need couple friends.

Are you sure that's a need
and not a want?

- Yes.
- Okay, look,

I can't commit to Friday.

Maybe... I won't know until I see
how the session's going.

Can you maybe check in with them
on Friday and tell them?

Give 'em like 80%?

- All right.
- Okay, thanks.

Oh, hey, do you want to hop in?

No, your sister's coming

in, like, 15 minutes
to bring Jabbar.

- 15 minutes?
- Yeah.

We can make twins
in 15 minutes, honey.

Come on.
That doesn't turn me on.

Oh, all right.

Well, nice chatting with you.

You're getting water
everywhere.

- I'm gonna be in here.
- Yeah.

I was serious, okay?
And the idea of an interview

about a dog is ridiculous.

- It's not.
- You know why?

- Why?
- Because it's a dog.

It's not like
we're adopting a baby.

Right?
And we made an agreement.

We agreed that we'd take
our time with this.

- You told me what to do.
- It's the first dog we've seen.

- Honey, you told me...
- Yes, and then you told Max,

which completely undermines us
making the decision on our own.

That's what happened.
Okay. Fine.

You know what, point taken.

You're right about that.
Thank you.

You're absolutely right.
I did.

But you sabotaged the interview
on purpose.

- I didn't sabotage anything.
- You went in there,

and you acted like you were
on board, and you weren't.

Okay?
You said that you wanted a dog...

I was on board
when we first got there.

You wasted everybody's time.

And then the doggy gestapo

started asking me questions

about what kind
of a dog owner I'd be.

You broke your son's heart.

You broke your son's heart.

- I did?
- You know, you did.

He loved that dog.

Did you see the way it was,
like, snuggling and nuggling?

Come on, honey,
it's $1,200 for that dog.

$1,200.
So what?

I know you liked that dog.

There are other dogs out there.

It's a lot of money,
but it's worth it.

Okay?
I'll do anything...

- All right.
- Within reason

that you ask to get that dog.

You want that dog, fine,
we'll get that dog.

- Yay!
- But you said

I'd get anything I want?

Anything.
I mean, do you want meatballs?

I'll make you pasta.

Fagioli.
Hey, Kristina.

Anything?

- Anything.
- Anything?

- Like Funkytown?
- Yeah.

Anything I want.
Okay.

Except... yeah, I will do
Funkytown, but I'm not gonna do

that one thing that you like
to do, 'cause it hurts.

What are you talking about?
You said anything.

- Hold on, hold on.
- Is that Haddie?

Hello.

- It's the lady.
- Oh.

Yes, this is Kristina.

- Tell her $900.
- No.

Hi. Yes, of course.
Thank you.

Okay.

I understand.
Thank you for calling.

They sold the dog.

- So... Funkytown?
- So...

No?

Hey guys, wake up!

Wake up!

Max, stop.

Wake up.

Come on.
Wake up.

Max, we're asleep!

I made a list
of all the reasons

why we need that dog.
All right?

- Honey.
- Number one:

Dogs, they're fun.
They just are.

Number two:
Dogs teach responsibility.

Reason number three:
The dog has been screened

and certified.
Now I don't know

why that's so amazing.
They sold the dog.

The web site made it out
to be good.

What?

Babe, they sold the dog.

I talked to the lady
last night.

I talked to the...
listen... listen to me.

Don't get upset.
No, you guys said

you would sleep on it,
and you slept on it.

I knew this was gonna happen,
honey.

- And now I want that dog!
- Max, take it easy.

I understand you want the dog.

This is one of those things
in life

you're just gonna have
to deal with, Max.

Honey, I got to take a shower.

Somebody else
had a hold on it, okay?

And they called first.

Where are you going?
No. No.

- Are you kidding me?
- I have to take a shower.

- This is unfair!
- I can't believe

you're leaving me right now.
Everybody, chill...

it's on the calendar.
You can check it out.

I knew this was gonna happen.

- Adam.
- It isn't fair!

- Oh, my God.
- Dad, you said.

Adam, are you kidding me
right now?

Please come back here.
We're still discussing this.

I have to take a shower.
I should have just said no

in the first place.
There will be other dogs.

I promise you that,
and I will make sure

that you get...
No, we need to get that dog.

- Sweetie.
- We need to get that dog.

- The dog is taken.
- No, we're going right now...

Calm down.
Adam!

To tell them
they made a mistake.

Really?
Really?

When I was your age,

my parents made me go
to swim team.

Ooh, I hated it.

I had to get up at 6:00 A.M.
every morning.

But they made me go,
and I'm glad that I did,

because now I'm
a really good swimmer.

Right, Syd?
Yup. Remember that one time

you came to my swim class
and you almost drownded me?

Yes, I remember that,

but you didn't drown, 'cause
you were such a strong swimmer.

That was great.
You learned.

Okay, let's go, guys.

Let's go.

Come on.
Aren't you coming?

It's okay.
You can walk in with Sydney.

Come on.

Let's go.

Okay.

Victor, you have
to go to school.

You can't miss three days
in a row.

My stomach still hurts.

Sydney, go in.
Okay, sweetie?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Victor, I know
a new school can be scary.

And I know that it might
still be scary living with us.

But I need you
to be brave for me, okay?

I need you to do this.

Honey.

Okay, I will stay right here.

You go to school,

but, if you need me,
if you need anything,

I'll be right here.

- All day?
- All day.

- You swear?
- Do you know pinky swear?

Ugh, well, that just makes me
hate her.

I mean, you know,
I don't hate her.

She's a very nice girl,
but, I mean,

I just hate her.

That's horrible.

He just sat all by himself?

Oh, my God, well, I guess,
what is she supposed to do?

You know, I mean,
what does he have now, calculus?

Okay.
All right.

Keep an eye out.
Call me in an hour.

Okay.
Love you too.

Bye.
Oh, my God.

Horrible.
Drew's having a miserable day.

- Mm-hmm.
- Thank God

my fiance is there, you know,
to keep an eye out for him.

Yeah, that's not weird at all.

It's not weird.
Why is it weird?

- It's odd.
- Why?

Whatever. That's all right.
Let's go.

No, no, please,
what's weird about it?

I'd like your opinion.
Can you just tell me?

- Boy, oh, boy.
- Look, I would love

a man's opinion.

There's a guy who worked
for me for two years.

He never said anything.

I didn't know anything
about his personal life.

I didn't even know
he was married.

I miss that guy.

Well, I'm not that guy.

Bernie.

I'm sorry I'm not Bernie,

but can't you just tell me
your opinion?

You want to know my opinion?
I think you're being an idiot.

Wow. Okay.

That's constructive.

- No, you are.
- Okay. Why?

Your son got dumped,
and you're all over him.

You're fawning over him.

I care. I'm interested.

"Oh, it'll be okay.
Doodlepuss, don't worry."

I'm not gonna call him
Doodlepuss.

I'm worried, and he's in pain.

I'm his mother.
Of course he's in pain.

Of course.
Women...

women are conniving
soul-crushers,

and, if he realizes that,
he'll be okay.

He has a chance.
Oh, my God.

Somebody did not
get invited to prom.

I did get invited to prom.

That's right.
I was prom king.

- No, you weren't.
- I was prom king,

I got laid, the whole deal.

- Wow.
- All right. You know why?

'Cause I was cool.
I drove a Honda CX 500.

I listened to the dead
instead of disco.

I sold pot out of the back
of Joey Nichols' car,

and we made a lot of money,

and my mother never even met
my girlfriends,

much less gave me
dating advice.

I would have laughed at her.

So I should tell drew
to, wait, get a motorcycle

and sell pot, and that'll
make him feel better?

- No, it's simpler than that.
- Well, what should he do?

You know what he should do?

He should sleep
with her best friend.

'Cause that
she'll take notice of.

'Cause she's gonna
do it to him.

That's just the thing.
She's gonna do it to him.

So get there first...

and you see?

See, you asked my opinion,

and then this happens.

And that didn't happen
with Bernie.

Why did you ask me, though?

What are you doing?
Where are you going?

I...

Am gonna go get some coffee.

Hey, beauty.

Hey.
Where's Jabbar?

I don't know.
I just got here.

Jabbar?
Wait, you didn't get him?

What, no,
you were gonna get him?

You were supposed to get him.
I told you I had a class.

No, no, no,
you didn't tell me that.

Yes, I did.
You said you had it covered.

Oh, my gosh, you're right.
I did.

I'm so sorry.
Um, I should have...

what?
Put it in a freakin' calendar?

What a notion.

Whoa, hey, hey.
Stop sign, stop sign.

You know what? I know you
think it's so uncool

and everything to have
a schedule, but, guess what?

That's what people do.
They organize their lives

so crap likes this
doesn't happen!

- The school's right here.
- I know where his school is!

Okay, well, listen,
you're freaking out,

and he's just sitting in school.
It's not a big deal.

You left our child in school.
That's a big deal.

I think you're overreacting
just a little bit.

Don't tell me I'm overreacting.

You're blowing
through stop signs.

- You know what?
- You're locking up the brakes

as we pull into our son's...
I tried.

I tried to be
all "go with the flow"

and play it by ear

and not be controlling,
because I know

you had a problem
with that before.

But, you know what, I can deal

with you blowing off our friends
for dinner,

but I can't deal with you
leaving my child at school.

Is that what this is about?

Because I didn't go to dinner

with Kim
and whatever the guy's name is?

You wouldn't commit,
so they made other plans.

I can't control work, okay?

I gave you an 80% commitment.

And you're 100% ass.
You think everybody's supposed

to wait for you...
What?

- Hi.
- We are so sorry.

Where were you?

There was a mix-up
with her calendar.

- Sorry, sweetie.
- And then...

Won't happen again, though.
Sorry.

Thanks.

Sorry, buddy.
We'll make it up to you.

Anyway, so this disco

well, let me back up,
'cause I think it's important

you understand how amazing
this girl was.

What do you mean?
Like how?

Well, girl's not even the word.

Woman.
You know what I mean?

Uhhuh.

Just a gorgeous rack,
beautiful legs.

And just funny.
Funny and smart.

Smarter than me.
Hell of a lot smarter than me,

which is saying something.
Oh, wow.

- Yeah.
- So what happened,

you know, after she dumped you?

I was a mess.

I thought my life was over.

I started going to the gallery
that she worked at,

and I pretended
like I was interested in art,

which just made it even worse.

And then I wrote her a song.

Whew.
I can only imagine.

How'd that go over?

That wasn't good.
That was a disaster.

I knew two chords,
and both of them were minor.

Yeah, the sad e-minor.
It always works.

It was sad.
See, you know music, right?

Kind of.
My dad was a musician, but...

Well, I made a tape,
and then I left it on her car.

And, uh, never heard
from her again.

To this day.

What, so is that
the whole story?

Yeah, that's the whole story.

She dumped me,
she left, it sucked.

30 years later,
I'm still mad as hell.

Here's the thing.

Two things.
One:

Happy endings,
it's, uh, it's a myth.

It's... you know, maybe.

Great. Yeah.

And two: You're never
gonna understand women.

Never.
Yeah.

No, never, never, never.

Yeah, I know.

And three...

It's okay to be sad.

It's okay.

- Hi.
- Mama.

Hi.

"Mama"?

What are you guys
talking about?

Nothing.
Just... I don't know.

- What?
- I don't know. Talking.

- Talking?
- Yeah. Talking.

- To him?
- Yes, to him. Yeah.

Hmm.

Hey.

What are you guys doing?

Just playing with our rings.

Green.
Is everything all right?

I didn't hear back
from you today.

I left you a bunch
of voice mails.

Yeah, everything's fine.
Mmm, thank you.

I'm good.
Listen, honey, can we talk?

Honey, my phone was out
of batteries.

I just had to charge it.
Yeah, right.

So what are you doing?

Can we just talk
for a second, honey?

We're fine.
We're totally fine.

Listen, when you pretend
that your phone isn't charged,

we're clearly not fine.

Adam, you left this morning.

Max screamed at me
for 45 minutes, okay?

You just left.
I'm not trying to blame you.

I know I did,
and I'm sorry for that.

Okay, I know that I'm a little
freaked out.

I'm sad, you know?

I miss Haddie,
and I'm just a little emotional.

I'm acting like a brat.
I'm sorry.

Just it's...
Hey, I'm freaked out too.

And it's funny,
'cause there were these days

when I felt like,
"just go already, Haddie.

Get on a plane."

Now the day's come and gone,

and there is this hole.

It's like there's
a piece missing.

Yeah.

We did everything together.

It was, like,
she was my buddy, you know?

Mmhmm.

Well, listen, I don't know if we
can replace Haddie with a puppy.

You don't think?

Mama, mama, mama.
I know.

Dada, dada.

- I know.
- Dada, dada.

- Can you say puppy?
- But I'm willing to try.

- Mama, mama, mama.
- How?

- I'll get a puppy.
- You'll get a puppy?

Nora, you want to get a puppy?

Hi.

- Hey.
- What you doing?

Nothing, just...

Yes.

- No.
- It's so sad.

Don't do it to yourself.

- I'm sorry.
- Get off that thing.

Listen, I, um...
I just wanted to ask you

what your conversation
with Hank was.

- What do you mean?
- I know you don't want to talk

to me about Amy,
and I totally understand,

but, um, Hank,

not your guy, I don't think.

He seems like a nice enough guy

and everything,
but he's a deeply weird,

troubled person with very
frightening views on women.

- Oh, my gosh.
- And, I, uh...

I noticed you guys talking.

He literally just told me,
like, it's okay to be sad.

Stuff like that.

That's what he said?

Mmhmm.

- Hmm.
- Yeah.

All right.

All right, well,
I'm gonna get back.

I just bought
some razor blades.

Don't even joke about that.

- Mom, please, come on.
- It's so upsetting.

You have sleeping pills, right?

Stop it!
Don't even talk like that.

I'm having trouble sleeping.

- No.
- Just get me a few.

- Stop it.
- Mom.

It's not a funny joke!

Hey.

Hi.

I'm, uh, just catching up
on some stuff.

At 3:00
in the morning?

Well, I didn't go

to work today.

Huh?

I was dropping the kids off
at school,

and Victor, you know,
he didn't want to go.

He just... it was like
he couldn't get out of the car.

Okay, so he didn't go again.

No, he did go to school.

But I told him that,
if he went in,

that I would stay outside.

All day?

I know.
It sounds ridiculous.

But you should have seen him.

The whole time
that he's been here,

he's been so tough.

But I looked in his eyes,

and he was so scared.

And it just made me remember
that he's a little boy.

I couldn't leave him
like that, and I'm sorry.

I know we have to put
some discipline there

and establish some boundaries,
but I couldn't, you know.

You're amazing.

I didn't screw it up?

No.

Thanks.

You're working
so hard on this, honey.

I know.

Max, it's a big day.
You excited?

- Whoo-hoo!
- Puppy time.

- Puppy time.
- Why do we have

to wait till 4:00?

I wanna go earlier.
Honey, that was my coffee.

We can go.
Sorry, thank you.

But dad's gonna have
to pick you up

because I have
a doctor appointment.

So I'll just meet
you guys there.

- Well, I have names.
- Okay, let's hear 'em.

All right, for a boy,
I like bear or Charlie

or scout.
Ooh, I like scout.

And for a girl, I like lady

or ginger.
Ginger.

Right. No ginger.
Bachelor party.

Not at all.
Not even close.

- How about...
- Ginger's good.

- It's scout.
- How about Buster?

What time
are you picking us up?

- 3:00 on the nose.
- What does a nose

have anything to do with it?
3:00.

On the hour.
All right.

Max, a dog is in the house.

- No, it's not.
- Figuratively.

A dog is in the house.
Give me five.

No, unless you guys
went out last night...

a dog is going
to be in the house.

- All right.
- Okay, just...

whoo!
Both: Yes!

Hey.

- Hey.
- How you doing?

You feeling all right?
Yeah.

Why did you do that yesterday?

Why did I stay at school,
you mean?

Yeah.

Um, well, you know,

in this family, when we say

we're gonna do something,
we do it.

Thanks.

Hey, Victor, come here.

Hey, come here.
Buddy. Okay?

No, you're...
come here.

Come here.

I just...
Okay, you can stop now.

Ohh, buddy!
Ohh!

Two things.

One, don't talk to my son
about personal stuff.

Two...

Thank you.

You made me brownies.
Hmm.

Yeah, I...
you know.

Anything in there
that's, you know, wacky?

Ugh.
Will you just eat one?

Now?

It's early.

Okay.

Honestly?

Mediocre.

Almost.

- Okay.
- But the thought...

you had the thought in.

No, no.
No, just leave it there.

Hmm.

♪ She says wake up

♪ it's no use pretending

You synced our calendars.

Yes, ma'am.

Are we cool?
We cool.

Okay, we'll start
with your left breast.

So remove your robe.

Okay, perfect.

Okay, step right onto the plate.
This one?

Yes, perfect.

Okay.

Let's get a little...

Okay, step in a little closer.

Perfect. Okay, you're gonna feel
a slight pressure.

Okay, I'm gonna ask you
to take a deep breath.

- Okay.
- Don't move.

Take a deep breath.

♪ She says, if I leave
before you, darlin' ♪

♪ Don't you waste me
in the ground ♪

♪ I lay smilin'
like our sleeping children ♪

♪ One of us will die
inside these arms ♪

♪ Eyes wide open

♪ naked as we came

♪ one will spread our

♪ ashes round the yard