Parenthood (2010–2015): Season 1, Episode 4 - Wassup - full transcript

ADAM: They weren't
officially booked.

So, it's not going to
go on their records.

Mom, it wasn't my weed.

I want you to know you made
me mad and you embarrassed me,

and it's going to be a long time
before you earn my trust back.

I know you think
Racquel is intense.

She's a great mom.

You don't have to choose between
being a mom and having to work.

You may not be
there all the time,

but the time that you do
have, you can make that count.

It was mine.
The pot, it was mine.



Sorry for not being the
girl that you thought I was.

CROSBY: What makes
all this worth it?

What makes it worth it is the
connection, it's the bond you feel.

Well, what if I don't
feel a connection, then?

You will.

What is this?

Oh! Crosby.

Oh, that's
my mixing beaker.

Yeah.

What do you mix in it?

Oh, you know, frozen
orange juice and stuff.

It stinks.

Hey, be careful out there. Stay close.

Okay, are we done here,
do you think?



Yeah, yeah,
we are almost done.

Do you even know
who these belong to?

Of course.

You know what, I think
Kristina left them here.

Yeah, very funny.

Hey, I know we're doing all
this child-proofing here,

but you sure
you wouldn't rather

have this sleepover
over at our house?

Oh, you don't think
I can handle it?

All right, you know, it's
going to be good for you.

You're going to get to have
your son here with you and

you get to
watch him sleep,

and just see how innocent
and vulnerable and...

And peaceful?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you know... You know,
I've dated some wild women,

real hellcats, but,

you know, when they
finally pass out,

it's like they turn into
these little kittens,

all purry
and warm and...

So, you know, I know
what you're talking about.

I feel ya.

Yeah.

Are you sure?
Do you want some?

Oh! Oh, no, no.

Oh, oh, sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm just going to have some...

Granddaughter,
what are you doing?

(LAUGHS) We're dining.
Would you like some?

Aw, gee, thanks, no,

I've got something
I have to do.

But I appreciate it.
Really. It looks like fun.

JULIA: Oh, hey, Kristina.
KRISTINA: Yeah?

JULIA: Could Haddie babysit
for us tomorrow night?

'Cause our regular sitter
has the flu.

Yeah, I don't see why not. Hey, Haddie!

Haddie!
What?

Can you babysit tomorrow
night for Aunt Julia?

You know what, I would
really like to, but...

But? You have plans? What?

That's fine, sweetie. KRISTINA:
She doesn't have plans.

She has nothing to do.

JULIA: It's not like
she has to, though.

You know? KRISTINA:
She has nothing to do.

Well, she's...
What about Amber?

JULIA: Oh, whoa...

Yeah.

SARAH: And she's
sitting right there.

Yeah.

(STUTTERING)
That's a great idea.

That's a perfect idea.

Yeah, I hadn't thought
of that. That's great.

KRISTINA: Yeah.
Okay.

Let me just ask her.

Hey. Do you want to
babysit for Aunt Julia?

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING
ON HEADPHONES)

Hello? Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey.

Oy! What's wrong
with you?

Aunt Julia wants you
to babysit.

Oh, so you're
waterboarding me?

(LOUDLY) Aunt Julia
wants you to babysit.

Okay, whoa, take it easy.

(MOUTHING)

Yeah, sure.
Why not?

SARAH: Yeah, yeah. No, I thought
so. Good, okay, she'd love to.

Great.
JOEL: Great.

Smile.
Thank you. Awesome.

No prob.
Great. Problem solved.

Hey, go tell your brother
that we're ready to eat.

There's no way I'm going near
that bathroom while he's in it.

Which is
five times a day.

Oh, that's an exaggeration.
She's exaggerating.

You do know what he's
doing in there, don't you?

Yes, he's getting clean.

Yeah, spankin' clean.

He's... He has like, you
know, he's working on his hair.

He's got like that...
I do that too.

You know, for a long time sometimes.

Hi, honey.
Hi. Hey.

Hey, Drew.
Morning.

AMBER: Hey, bud,
how was the shower?

Your hair looks cute.

Honey, does Crosby know
that I know about Jabbar?

Well, I think he assumes
I tell you everything.

Why would he assume that? He hasn't
even told Katie he has a son yet.

Well, I think Crosby
assumes I'm not like him.

Mmm-hmm, I think Crosby
assumes correctly.

Which is why he should
not be making jokes

about my underpants being
in his houseboat. Weirdo.

You mean crotch-less panties?

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) So...

Wait a... Honey.

Yeah?
What is this?

$220? Look at that.

That's Haddie's cell.

Yeah, she's racked up, like, a
gazillion minutes on this thing.

Yeah, to one number
over and over again.

She's sleeping over at
Leslie's. Please call her.

This is not acceptable.

(STUTTERING) I don't even
recognize this number.

She's never called
this number before.

(PHONE RINGING)

Who is this?

(SIGHS)

All right, she's not
picking up.

Who are you
calling now?

I'm gonna call
the mystery number

and find out
who this belongs to.

Okay. Oh, put it on
speaker, I want to hear it.

All right.

(PHONE RINGING)

(HIP HOP MUSIC
PLAYING OVER PHONE)

MAN: Yo. Yo. Yo.
Whassup?

Okay, you dialed wrong.

You had to have dialed wrong.
No, I did not dial wrong.

You had to have dialed wrong.
All right, here. Here you go.

Try it yourself.
Go ahead.

(DIALING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(HIP HOP MUSIC
PLAYING OVER PHONE)

MAN: Yo. Yo. Yo. Whassup?

Honey, wait a second.
What?

I just think that we should
let her explain herself

before breaking
into her room. I...

Well, wait, wait a minute,
her room is in our house,

so technically we're not
breaking into anything.

She's 15 years old.

Besides, what she doesn't
know won't hurt her.

Right, just us.

Go ahead.
Okay.

KRISTINA: No, you go ahead.
ADAM: All right.

KRISTINA: You wanted to
do this. All right, okay.

We'll just get in,
we'll get out. All right.

Get in, get out.
Let's do it.

What exactly
are we looking for?

I don't know, anything
that smells like "Yo-Yo."

Smells like "Yo-Yo."

Okay.

Hey, what about
her computer?

Her Facebook page.
What about that?

All right. Good idea, good idea.

Okay.
All right.

(SIGHS) I don't know
her password.

Oh, I used to know it.

All right.

HaddieDaddy.

Really?
That's sweet.

Mmm-hmm, she was 12.

And she's changed it.
I don't know.

(SIGHS)

Yo.
Yo.

Can I shower in here? The
masturbatorium is occupied.

Please, will you
give him a break?

Please not shame
your brother.

He's 14, okay?
He has needs.

I think I know pretty much
everything there is to know about

fourteen-year-old boys
and their needs.

Thank you for that.

Oh, Aunt Julia called.
I don't have to babysit.

Why not?

I don't know.

Well, what'd she say?
What was the reason?

Who cares?

I care.

I'm gonna shower.

She didn't give
any reason at all?

She didn't postpone?
Did she...

(SHOWER RUNNING)

Hello?

So, I heard the
kid-proofing went well.

CROSBY: Indeed.

Even found
something of mine.

At least I didn't mention
your special mixing beaker.

What mixing beaker?

Okay, look, I got it.

ADAM: What?
Haddieho.

"Haddieho"?
Uh-huh.

That's not good.

It says she's in
a relationship,

has been for a month.

A month?
Is that him? Is that him?

Must be.
Yo-Yo.

AKA Steve Williams.

He's a junior at
Haddie's high school.

Junior. What else? What else? What else?

Well, he's got
a rap sheet.

What? That's not funny.

KRISTINA:
It's not even close.

Okay, look,
they're Facebook official.

They're not eloping
to Vegas.

"Facebook official"?

It's not a suicide pact,
they're just dating.

How much masturbating
is too much?

ADAM: I'm sorry. What?

(WHISPERING)
For Drew.

He's in the bathroom,
like, a lot.

Like, six or seven
times a day.

Look, Sarah, that's
totally normal. Okay, so...

Is it too much? I don't know what to do.

Look, I've got problems of my
own, okay? Haddie has a boyfriend.

Of course Haddie's
got a boyfriend.

She's 15, she's cute.
Adam, don't be a dork.

Yeah, okay, and you know what,
they're Facebook official.

And, you know, she hasn't said
anything to Kristina and I about it.

Well, of course she doesn't
talk to you about it.

That's not a problem, I've got a kid
who I'm afraid might injure himself.

It's the one time I could
actually use some help

from his lame father,
who won't call me back.

You know, with Amber,
she got her period,

I said, "You okay?"
She said, "Screw you."

She was fine,
but him, I just...

So?

I can't be the man
for him, you know?

Oh, you're asking me
to talk to him about it?

Oh, God, Adam,
would you?

Yeah, absolutely.
No problem.

Just don't make him
feel weird, okay?

He's just so sensitive.

Just tell him that it's
normal, or almost normal,

and he's becoming a man.

I'm going to welcome
him to the club.

Yeah.
All that stuff.

Just be positive
and encourage him

to express himself in other
ways, too, you know, with...

What, like
downloading porn?

Oh, God.

That's outside
the shower.

Hey, Sarah. Oh, yeah, good.
Hey.

I'm glad I got you.
We need to talk here.

Okay, I got to get to
work. Dad, what's up?

Well, honey, are you aware that
we're in the middle of a drought?

(CHUCKLES) What? No?

Well, somebody in the house
is using an awful lot of water.

(SIGHS) Oh, yeah, that.

So, from an environmental standpoint,

I was thinking we need
to do something here.

Yeah, I'm as green
as the next person, Dad,

but he's a 14-year-old boy.
I don't know what to tell you.

That's why I would like to
talk to him, mano a mano.

Oh, no.

I still bear
the emotional scars

of the little talk we
had when I was a kid

and that was
a long, long time ago.

Don't say anything
to him, please.

Well, sweetheart,
this is not woman's work.

Dad, way to be
progressive, Dad.

Come on, honey,
I'm a grandfather.

That's what grandfathers
are for. Send me in there.

Dad, thank you
so much for this offer.

But, under no circumstances are
you to talk to Drew about the...

Masturbation.

(GASPS) Don't talk to him
about it. Okay? Thanks.

Well, honey,
it's perfectly natural.

I mean, even I
on occasion still...

(EXCLAIMS)

(CAR STARTING)

Not obsessively.

(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)

JASMINE: Permission
to come aboard?

Oh, no, pirates!

(GROWLS) What's up,
sleepover buddy?

Nothing.

Nothing?
You ready for this?

Me too.

I can't tell you how much
I appreciate this, Crosby.

Are you kidding? I'm fired
up. I should be thanking you.

JASMINE: Can I get a hug?
Can I get a hug? Oh.

You be good, okay?

Okay.

(SIGHS)
So, I'm available 24l7

except for the two hours
that I'll be dancing.

So, if anything,

if you need me, just call
me. I'll be here. Anything.

You don't need to worry.
Look, I baby-proofed the...

...crap out
of this place.

Okay.

Nothing's going to
go wrong, right, Jabbar?

He knows.
Safety first here.

You're a doll.
Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Have fun.

Okay, no girls allowed.

Bye!
You're gross.

Cheese or pepperoni?

Pepperoni.

Pepperoni.

KRISTINA: Your cell phone
bill was over $200 this month.

You're kidding?
No.

I had no idea.

That's over
a thousand minutes.

Okay, well, I'll pay
you guys back.

I'll babysit. I'll do chores,
you know, whatever it takes.

That's like 18 hours
in one month.

To one number.
One number.

Steve Williams?

How do you guys
know that?

Well, when we couldn't reach
you, we called his number.

You guys talked to Steve?

No, we did not
talk to him.

We just heard his voice.
We heard his voice.

"Yo. Yo. Yo."

So, how do you
know his name?

(SIGHS)
We have our ways.

What ways?
What did you guys do?

We went on your computer.

Your Facebook page.

No, you didn't!

Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.

You guys broke into my room

and you hacked into
my computer?

Wait a second, miss, you have
no right to get angry with us.

You have been going out with this boy
for over a month without telling us.

Okay, who cares,
Homeland Security?

What you guys did
is illegal.

You can't do that, it's
a violation of everything.

KRISTINA:
Oh, no, no, no.

You're Facebook official.

Right.

ADAM: That's right.
You go up to your room

because you're grounded.
Grounded!

(HADDIE SPEAKS GERMAN)

(SIGHS)

Sucked.

(THUDDING)

Hey.
Hey.

How did you know that
I was here on a Sunday?

Oh, I was talking to Joel and
I'm on my way to work, so...

I'm so busy,
it's insane.

Is that why
you canceled Amber?

Yeah.

Yeah.
If they had their way,

I would never get to see Sydney,
let alone have a date night. So...

'Cause Joel said you canceled
because she doesn't know the area.

Yeah. Well, I mean, it was a combination
of that and the work, you know?

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

She was really
disappointed.

She was?

She thinks that you don't think
she's responsible or capable.

She didn't sound disappointed
when I talked to her.

She was. She was
really disappointed,

'cause, you know,
back in Fresno,

she was a really
popular babysitter.

Everybody called her.
She was the go-to girl.

I did not know that.

Well, now you do.

Sarah.

Sorry.

Don't apologize to me.

ADAM: How's it going, Drew?

DREW: Okay.

Oh, Grandpa made me do the
same thing when I was your age,

wash his old truck. Sucks.

Yeah.

How's everything else?

Good.

Yeah, I hated washing
the old truck.

But there was something I really
enjoyed doing when I was your age.

Oh, yeah? What?

And it's nothing to be ashamed
of. It's totally natural.

You know,
Woody Allen said,

"Masturbation is having sex with
somebody you love," you know?

Did my mom ask you
to talk to me about this?

No, no, she may
have mentioned it.

But, I wanted to
talk to you about it

because, Drew,
it's totally normal, okay?

And I want to make sure you
don't feel weird about it.

We can just,
you know,

air it out.
Air it out?

Well, you know, I just
wanted to make sure

there's no stigma
attached to it

like hair growing
on your palms.

Yeah, can we just
not talk and say we did?

Yeah, but I...
Thank you.

I just wanted you to know that you can
talk to me about anything, all right,

like pimples, girls,
birth control.

You know about rubbers,
right? Prophylactics?

Look, we can just
not talk, too, right?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
It's no big deal.

Okay, well, you just,
you keep up the good work.

With the washing the truck,
I mean. Not the...

Or the other thing, too,
if you want, 'cause...

All right, I'm glad
we had this talk.

JOEL: All right, all right,
I had no choice.

Sarah started asking about
other nights Amber could babysit

and I couldn't think
of anything else to say.

So, mea culpa,
I totally blew it.

Oh. Oh, no, it's fine.
I blew it too.

You did?

We should never have
canceled in the first place.

Wait, so now
we trust Amber?

She is a very experienced
babysitter.

(SCOFFS)
Says your sister.

I trust my sister.

Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
I forgot the cardinal rule.

"Only a Braverman can
criticize another Braverman."

All right.
You're right.

I'm sorry. That's a
total double standard.

Thank you.

One about which
we can do nothing.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, so, what are we
going to do?

I was thinking that
we should call Amber

and see if she can
still come over tonight.

You're sure about this?

No, but, I'm optimistic.

So am I.

Good.
Good. Date night.

Yay!

So, how did it go? What
happened? What did you say?

I think I did okay,
considering.

Really? Well, you didn't use
the word, though, did you?

Why?

Because, it's just so clinical,
you know, "masturbate."

Uh-huh. Do you think it's time
to let Haddie out of her room?

It's against the rules to eat
peanut butter out of the jar, Dad.

You are absolutely
right, buddy.

You're right.
Does that mean I can?

No, that means
that Dad cannot.

You cannot,
you broke the rule.

I broke the rule.

KRISTINA: He broke the rule.
ADAM: Broke the rule.

Hey, you know what,
can you do me a favor?

Can you tell your sister
to come downstairs?

No.

Why not?

Because she's not upstairs.

Yes, she is, honey.
She's in her room.

No, she's not.

Yo-Yo lives here?

Honey, don't judge
a book by its cover.

You can cook meth
anywhere. I told you that.

(MAN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

I'm out.
Kristina. Kristina!

DALE: You're Adam Braverman.

And you must be
Kristina and Max.

Yeah, hi.

Hi.
MARJORIE: Hi.

DALE: Yeah, Haddie's
shown us pictures. Yeah.

Yeah, we know, we've
heard all about you.

ADAM: Max,
stay close, buddy.

He's okay. He's fine.
Okay.

Hi, good to meet you.
We've heard all about you.

Wow.
You have?

Yeah, we just
love her to death.

Oh! So, she's not...

Here? No.
Oh, no.

Neither is Stevie.

Would you like to come in, seeing
as we're Facebook officially related?

Yeah, there's that.
Thank you, thank you.

That's nice of you
but we're just...

Max, please don't pull
the petals off the flowers.

DALE: Oh, no, no.
It's okay. It's fine.

We understand. Haddie's
told us about the situation.

Yeah.

The what?

The situation with Max.

Okay.
What are you doing here?

Oh, well, you know, it's
funny we were just in the...

Checking us out?
(CHUCKLES) I get it.

Yes.
I get it.

ADAM: Yeah. Caught me.
I understand.

You got me.
If I had a daughter,

I'd want to know where she's spending her
time too. You're doing the right thing.

That's all.
It's fine. Don't worry.

Okay, you are the one
that should be pissed.

They were way
out of line.

So, then what do I do when they
start interrogating me again?

Well, first, you have to acknowledge
where they're coming from.

It's their job to make
your life miserable.

Okay, so what's my job?

Well, to keep them
out of your personal life

for as long as
humanly possible,

which isn't going
to be easy.

They're like termites.
They're relentless.

So, then what can I do
to make them stop?

(SIGHS) Deception.
Misinformation.

You flat out lie to
their face if you have to.

Although, that does
tend to backfire.

Really gets them
riled up.

Just remember, they
brought this on themselves.

(SIGHS)

ADAM: Hey.
Hey.

ADAM: Thanks for
responding to my APB.

No problem.
How are you?

Great.
Yeah?

Do you know what
you're going to say?

How about,
"Get the hell in the car"?

Great opener.

But after that, what's your
plan? What are you going to do?

I don't
have a plan, Sarah.

No? Have you met this guy?

No, I just heard his voice on the phone.
He's one of these "Yo. Yo. Yo." guys.

That's bad.
Yeah, got that.

Do you think
they're having sex?

Haddie's 15. I don't...

Amber was 15 when she
hooked up with Damien.

And they were...
Yes, they were.

She wanted to
move in with him

and start their
lives together.

Well, I don't think
Haddie's there yet.

I mean, I'm sure
she's not. So...

Okay. Okay.
Positive, in fact.

I believe you. But it's
right around the corner.

And you have to do everything
you can to postpone it.

Do you know
how to do that?

No, what do you suggest?

My God, you have to
shut them down.

No phone, no email, no
computer... All right, okay.

...no texting, no leaving
the house, no nothing.

And then when that fails,
you just go to Plan B.

Which is what?

Move.

Thanks for that.

Welcome to my world, Brother.

I cannot believe you would
just sneak out like that.

I cannot believe that you
would hack into my computer.

I hacked into your computer to
find out what's going on with you.

What if I don't want you to
know what's going on with me?

I don't care, Haddie.

I'm your father.
I have a right to know.

I have a right
to my privacy.

Not in my house,
you don't.

Okay.

Maybe it's different over at
Steve's house with Marjorie and Dale.

You didn't!

Well, where did
you think we'd go

when we couldn't find
out where you were?

Dad!

We were worried
about you, Haddie.

Oh... Oh, my God!

They knew everything
about us

and we didn't even
know they existed.

How do you think
that felt?

Probably as bad
as it feels

finding out that your parents
have no respect for your privacy.

All right, fine. You
know what, that's it.

No more cell phone.
No more texting.

You go to school.
You come home from school.

That's the way
it's gonna be.

No, you have to be
kidding me! You're kidding!

I am not kidding. Do I
look like I'm kidding?

JULIA: And last but not least
is poison control center, so...

I think I got it.
Great.

Okay. Oh.

And we're good,

with the whole
scheduling snafu?

Yeah, it was, like,
not a big deal at all.

Your mom said
you were pretty upset.

She did?

I probably overreacted
or something.

Great. (CLEARS THROAT)

JOEL: Hi.
JULIA: Hey, there.

(GRUNTS) Look who's here.

Hello!

Amber!
Hi! Come here.

(GRUNTS) All right.
Where should we go?

Over there.
Okay, let's go.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah.

Okay, so, I guess
we're off.

AMBER: Okay. Have fun.

Okay.
Okay.

Oh, I have my cell phone, and it's on.

So, I do, too, if you've, you
know, got any reason to call.

Okay, see you later,
have fun.

Bye.

Okay. All right. You guys have fun.

Bye.
Not too much fun.

AMBER: Got it.
JOEL: All right.

JULIA: Bye.
JOEL: Bye, girls, have fun.

JULIA: Bye.

(SIGHS) Are they
always like that?

Always.

Whew.

(EXCLAIMS)

Whoa!
Do it some more.

Okay.

More!

CROSBY: (LAUGHS)
Whoo-hoo!

Wow!

ADAM: I could always
talk to Haddie.

Always.

Honey, rebelling, it's
just part of growing up,

you know?

She hates me.

She doesn't hate you.
She loves you

more than anybody else in this
entire world and you know it.

Do I?
Do I really?

Yes.

But, honey, that's not going
to last forever, you know.

She's going to grow up. She's
going to fall in love. For real.

No, not with that kid,
Yo-Yo, she's not.

Okay.

(SIGHS)

Well, you know,

if it's any consolation,

you'll always be the most
important man in my life.

Really?
Mmm-hmm.

CROSBY: How do you
like your dogs,

medium, well done,
or burnt to a crisp?

Uh-oh, we got
a problem there?

It's stuck.

Well, why'd you put
your thumb in a can?

I don't know.

Mmm-hmm. All right, well,
let me take a gander here.

Ow.
Oh, sorry, wow.

That's really in there,
isn't it? Okay.

Hey, I know just the
thing. Not to worry.

Follow me.

One, two, three!

Ow! It stings!
Okay. Oh!

All right.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Okay, we've got
a little blood here.

Nothing to be
concerned about.

I can't
feel my thumb.

Are you serious?

Okay. Okay.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHING)

Oh, I am so
ready for this.

Yeah, me, too.

RACQUEL: Joel.

Keep walking.
Keep... Come on.

Joelski! Hi. Hi.

JOEL: Racquel,
look at this.

Of all the gin joints
in all the world, huh?

Hi.

JOEL: (LAUGHS) Hi.

Hi, girl.

Douglas.
Good to see you.

Harmony, hi.
Hi.

And this is Douglas,
my husband.

Come, sit, join us.
Oh, thank you...

That's really sweet, but
we're actually on date night.

So are we.

I work so much.

I can't stand to leave Harmony
alone with a babysitter.

Sure, sure.
That's commendable.

Right.

We're actually... You guys
enjoy, all three of you.

And we'll
see you later.

Nice meeting you.
Enjoy.

What are the odds? Huh?

JABBAR: Ow.
(PHONE RINGING)

All right. Hang in there,
buddy. You're doing great.

Come on, pick up.

Pick up.
Ow.

(PHONE RINGING)

(KRISTINA GIGGLING)

Come on! That's all right, Plan B.

I'm sorry.

Oh, buddy,
it's not your fault.

Come on! Okay.

(MAN CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, hi, sorry,
you scared me.

Don't worry, this is my sister's
house, and we're playing a game.

(LAUGHS) Okay,
have a good night.

(AMBER AND SYDNEY CHATTERING)

Can you do it
like that?

Of course.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hi.

Okay, come on,
pick up.

Don't let me down.

(SIGHS)

No, but not Doug.
Not Dougie, Douglas?

Yeah, he's a semiotics
professor.

Okay, well.

She's eating
bouillabaisse, Joel.

What kind of kid
eats bouillabaisse?

Oh, man,
you are so bad.

No, I mean, but Sydney won't
even eat my mac and cheese.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Crosby?

What hospital?

Date of birth?

(STUTTERS)

Five.

He's five.

Address.

Mine or...
His.

Yeah, it's complicated,
so...

JULIA: Hey.

Oh, thank God.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Who's this?

This is Jabbar.

My son.

SARAH: Hi.
Hi.

You forgot your
biology textbook.

Oh.

Well, I figured
you might need it.

Wow, that's so
considerate of you. Thanks.

Hey, you know
what's funny?

For a second, I thought maybe
you were checking up on me.

Maybe afraid that I was going
to raid the liquor cabinet.

You have no proof of that.

You lied to Aunt Julia.

You said that I was upset
because I couldn't babysit.

Yeah, 'cause I know
you wanted the money.

Really? Really?

It had nothing to do with you trying
to prove yourself to Aunt Julia?

(SCOFFS) What?

Okay. That's enough. Just
don't use me next time, okay?

(SIGHS)
I'm sorry.

Yeah, she just makes me
feel a little insecure.

A little?
Yeah, a little.

Like, you know,
the world's worst mother

and a complete failure at
life, like that kind of little.

(SIGHS)

Hey, Sydney, do you want to show
Aunt Sarah what we've been working on?

Okay.

Check it out.

Do you remember when we were
living in that crappy motel

after you split up
with Dad,

and we had no money
and no toys, no nothing?

No.

Okay, well, I did.

Here.

You made paper turtles.

(SIGHS)

Amber taught me.

You know who taught
Amber how to do this?

She told me you did.

SARAH: That's right.

(SNIFFLING)

How about I make us
some drinks?

They got a really nice
selection over there.

(CHUCKLES)

You see this?
This is a slither cream.

Anything that's stuck,
gets unstuck.

There we go.

All you have to do
is close your eyes.

All right,
take a deep breath.

(INHALES)

And say
the magic words.

Slippery,
slither, slime.

Slippery, slither, slime.
CROSBY: Slippery, slither, slime.

JULIA: Oh, presto...
Oh, you got it.

JABBAR: It worked.

Come on.

It really worked.

(KRISTINA CHUCKLES)

Hey.

Do you think nailing Haddie's
window shut was going too far?

Please tell me you were not
thinking about that earlier.

No. Of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.

Adam.
It just occurred to me.

Really.
Uh-huh.

Honey.

He's sleeping.

So,

are you sure
he's yours?

Why? 'Cause he stuck
his finger in a can?

Because if he is,
you have obligations.

Legal obligations,
financial obligations.

Have you thought
about that?

You were really great
back there in the ER.

Cros, this could be
a big deal, okay?

I'm not kidding.
You're an amazing mom.

I am?

(LAUGHS)
Yeah, like 100%.

Well, thanks.
Thanks for calling me.

I would've thought you'd have
called Adam or Sarah first.

Oh, those deadbeats?
I mean, come on.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

When my father found out
that I was dating,

he nearly had a heart attack. I mean...

How old were you?

Oh, 16. Trevor Dunne.

He wore a puka shell necklace,
he was real tan, and...

Okay. Did your dad
nail your window shut?

Honey, my dad was
nothing like yours.

Trust me.

The point is, is when it comes to
dads and their daughters dating,

it's like,
it's primordial.

It's like that lizard part of their
brain kicks in, and they just...

Okay, so, basically
Dad can't help himself.

Right, yeah.
Just like you can't.

So, Dad's just going to hate
Steve no matter how awesome he is?

No, no,
I didn't say that.

I think that he'll
come around eventually,

if he's as awesome
as you say he is.

He is.
He is?

Good.

You have to promise me,
though, no more sneaking around.

Okay, I'm sorry.

How mad is Dad?

You know, honey, I think he's
more scared than anything.

Of what?

Of losing you.

(SHOWER RUNNING)

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

Hey, Drew, coming in.

Hey, no, no, no.
I'm still in here.

So, kiddo, we need to talk
about some water conservation.

Now? I don't...

Well, you know, your
uncles had the same problem.

Adam was the worst.

I think he was gonna
set some kind of record.

I almost called Guinness.

Can we just
not right now?

When it comes
to testosterone,

the Braverman men are blessed
with an abundance of riches, Son.

Grandpa...
Pride...

Pride and glory is what
you should be feeling, Son,

at the bounty of
the Braverman libido.

You know what
libido is?

Oh, my God.
Please not right now.

But even a Braverman, nay,

especially a Braverman,

needs to learn to
control these gifts.

You know, what I'm talking
about here is moderation.

I mean...

For golly sakes, hell,
I remember what it was like.

I was on R and R
in Bangkok, you know.

And of course
I went a little nuts...

Hey.
(WHISPERING) How'd it go?

I rocked it.
Oh, good.

I couldn't have
done it without you.

Oh, I'm glad
you kicked ass.

How'd everything
go here?

He's still sleeping.

(WHISPERS) Oh, okay.

What happened
to the thumb?

It was
a fishing accident.

Oh.

Am I still your favorite
man in the world?

Mmm-hmm.

I got to get this salad
done though, babe.

I promised your mom.

Really, 'cause I'm still
feeling kind of sad.

(LAUGHS) Okay, stop.

All right. Any news
on the Yo-Yo front?

I want to show you something. Come here.

(HADDIE AND MAX WHISPERING)

How long have they
been like that?

About an hour.

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

ADAM: Hey.

Don't worry. I'm not
going to say anything

about anything.

You promise?

Yeah. Hey.

(LAUGHS)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

I'll take it out,
I'll take it out.

Put it up.

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

You said I shouldn't
talk to him, right?

What can I say?
You're the man, Dad.

'Uh-huh.
I'm sorry, what?

Hey, Syd.
Sydney, look at this.

Whoa, do it again,
Grandpa.

Okay.

Oh, hey, Sydney.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

(LAUGHS)

Daddy.

This is Steve.

Mr. Braverman, it's really
good to meet you, sir.

Whassup?