Parenthood (2010–2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Good morning.
WOMAN: Good morning, Adam.

(PANTING)

Oh, God.

Oh, God.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?
SARAH: I lost Amber.

What?
She fled. She escaped.

She snuck right
out the window.

Okay, listen, Sarah,
here's what you need to do.

What, are you having
a heart attack?

No, I'm exercising.



You're, like, wheezing
like an old person. (THUDS)

Careful!
You need to find her.

Who?
Your daughter.

That's your advice?
Thanks, big brother.

(GROANS)

Here I am, moving
our entire situation

just so I can make
her life better,

and what do I get?

Hey, Drew? Drew? Please
turn that thing down!

Hey, how's Drew?

Oh, good! He's good.
Yeah?

(SIGHS) I'm doing the right
thing, right, Adam? Moving home?

Look, Sarah, you're
doing the right thing.

You sure?
It's gonna be good, right?



I mean, you said
it was gonna be good,

and that's essentially
why I'm doing it.

Because you said
it was gonna be good.

So if it isn't good, I don't
think I'll ever forgive you.

Look, if it's not good,
you can blame me, okay?

(ADAM'S PHONE BEEPING)

That's what I'm saying. Look,
Sarah, I've gotta go, okay?

I've got
another call.

No, no, no, Adam. Adam,
Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam...

All right?
Wait, wait, wait, wait...

Dad? Yeah, you know,
my pipes are clogged.

(STAMMERING)
Dad, I'm exercising.

Yeah, good.
What?

Okay, I need you
here right now.

I'm not even getting a belch.
(LINE DISCONNECTS)

(SIGHS) I... Oh, God.

Amber? You need to get in
the car with me right now.

Look, Berkeley is a living
hell, Mom. I am not moving there.

I am moving in
with Damien.

We've decided.
Right, Damien?

Uh...

Damien, I need to speak
with my daughter.

Could you
give us a moment?

Perhaps you could use this
time to put on a shirt.

Uh-uh-uh. You stay
right there, Damien.

Do not let her
scare you.

Her bark is worse
than her bite.

(SARAH GRUNTS)

This is so embarrassing.
Why are you doing this to me?

You're ruining
my life!

I told you we don't have
a choice. I'm out of money.

Plus I want you guys to have
a chance to be with family,

become decent, upstanding
citizens of the world.

Damien!

Call me!
Get in the car!

Hey, how's my
grandson doing?

Getting ready
for his game?

'Cause I'm going to
be there with bells on.

(STAMMERING) Actually,
Dad, that's the thing is,

I think you might be
making Max a little nervous.

What?
It's just, you're very...

Very... Very what?

Nothing. I just...

Max is a sensitive kid,
that's all.

Well, you were sensitive,
too. I cured you.

All right, look, if you're
going to come to the game,

I'm going to need you
to be calm, all right?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

It's important that
Max feels a calmness.

A calmness?

Yeah?

KRISTINA: Hey, honey, he
will not put on his uniform.

The... Look, the game's
in an hour, Kristina.

He has to go.
I'm the coach.

Okay, I don't know
what to tell you,

it's a non-starter.
I mean...

Just...

(SIGHS) I'll be
right there, okay?

(SIGHS) Thank you.
All right, bye.

What, he doesn't
want to go?

Yeah, he doesn't
want to go.

It's a baseball game,
he's gotta go.

Look, he doesn't want to go
to the game. He's gonna go.

I'll get him to go.
Can I finish this?

Yeah, well, fix that and you get
over there and get him to the game.

(EXCLAIMS) Damn.
Oh, no!

Hey, what do we got?

Major Lego binge.

All right.

Good luck.

Max. Max.

Listen, Max, you don't have to play
baseball, not after this season.

But I want you to
give this a chance,

because it meant a lot
to me when I was a kid.

So what do you say,
will you give it a shot?

All right, listen,
after the game,

why don't we go
have some ice cream?

Double scoop.

And when I say double scoop, what
I really mean is triple scoop.

HADDIE: I just think
you should let him stay.

Like, do we even
care about baseball?

(SIGHS) Well,
your father sure does.

Why?

Well, because
men feel the need

to express their love
through hitting balls,

slapping butts and discussing
meaningless statistics,

and I think your father thinks
that if Max doesn't do these things,

he's gonna grow up
to be sad and alone.

Well, that's absurd.

(SIGHS)

ADAM: We only have
12 minutes, guys.

Come on, let's go, let's go!
Okay, okay.

Honey, how did you
make this happen?

Oh, I just told him
about the joys of baseball

and how it's something he can
do with his father forever.

Oh, a double scoop.
Triple.

Great parenting.

Look, once he
gets his first hit,

everything is gonna
turn around for him.

This is gonna be fun.
Okay.

ADAM: (WHOOPS)
All right. Let's go.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

CROSBY: Ow! Oh! Oh.

Why are you calling me?

ZEEK: Stay alive
there, Max.

Crosby, you're
the assistant coach.

It's the third inning, where the
hell are you? Dad's out of control.

Bend the knees a little
more. Here it comes.

It's not a good time
right... I gotta... I gotta...

(CLEARS THROAT)
I can't talk right now.

What do you mean you can't talk
right now? Are you with someone?

I'm gonna
call you back, okay?

Are you back with Katie?
Did you have make-up sex?

Oh, come on,
that's pathetic.

All right, look, well, just
get over here, all right?

We're getting our asses
handed to us, okay?

What kind of
brother are you?

I'm on my way, okay?

ZEEK: Atta boy!

All right, come on, come
on, let's go. Let's go!

ZEEK: Cover second base, Max,
you're the cut-off man!

No, I have a deposition.

Yeah, I will find the holes in it. Hey.

Of course fast. Tomorrow
morning first thing.

Hon, we're actually
in a cell-free zone, so...

Okay. Okay, okay.
All right.

Hudgens is freaking out. He thinks that
Leon's gonna take him off the Tibli case,

and so... Uh-huh.
Can you turn that off?

I'll put it on vibrate.

Hey, don't talk dirty
at Fairyland.

Shut up.

It's just that Sydney's been
looking forward to this all week.

Okay. Yay! Okay!
Hey!

Thank you so much. All
right. Thanks for waiting.

Okay, let's take this
photo, huh? Here we go.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Um...

One second.

Be strong.
I'm sorry.

It'll be so quick.

Come on. You can do it.
Oh!

Okay.

BOTH: (LAUGHING) Yeah!

All right. Say cheese!
Cheese!

ZEEK: All right, come on,
kids, you can do it.

Ball four, take your base.
ADAM: Yeah! All right!

All right! All right. Okay,
everybody, we are only down by seven!

We can do this.
You ready, Max?

Let's go.

This is our date
with destiny, come on!

BOY 1: Oh, no!
BOY 2: Max is up!

Oh, God, Max is up.

Hey! Not cool.

All right, Max,
listen to me, all right?

I know I told you to
swing at everything,

but in this situation,
you got to know

that a walk is just
as good as a hit, okay?

Can't someone else hit?

Please. I suck.
I'm going to strike out.

Everyone's going
to hate me.

BOY 3: What is he talking
about? What's taking so long?

Max, listen to me, Max.
Max, listen to me.

All right, now it doesn't matter
if you get a hit or not, okay?

It's a game. It's all about having fun.

I'm not having any fun.

UMPIRE: Who's up? Let's go!

All right, well, look, just
try your best, pal. Okay?

Give it a wallop, Max!
Knock it out of the park!

(ALL CHEERING)
Come on, Maxie.

Bend those knees now. Get that
bat back. Elbow up. Come on.

Shove it down their
throats, Max. Now come on.

Shove it down their
throats, Max, and I...

Zeek! Zeek!

What? What?
Simmer. Simmer.

UMPIRE: Strike one.
Oh, come on!

There's no way the kid's
eight. Did you see this pitch?

Yeah, yeah, I saw.
CROSBY: What, did they

smuggle him in from the
Dominican Republic or something?

I mean,
this is not...

Any time you want to
shut up would be great.

All right, Max, come on. You gotta...
You gotta get up to that plate.

Okay? Cover that plate. You
just swing at anything close.

ZEEK: Get hot, Maxie!

Whoo!
Oh!

Run! Run, Max, run!

No, the other way, the
other way, the other way.

Go, go, go, go, go!
Run, run, yeah!

Out!
Yes! No!

Oh, geez!

Are you kidding me?
He was safe.

Stand back.

What the hell is
wrong with you?

What are you doing over here?
You can't come back here.

(INDISTINCT)

(BOTH ARGUING)

(MOUTHING)

(POP SONG PLAYING)

CAMILLE: (LAUGHING)
Sarah.

Sarah, I've been so
excited. This is so cool.

ZEEK: Hey, hey, hey.
Amber, honey.

Hey, Drew. Give me a
handshake. No, like a man.

Shake it, jeez, Drew. Hey.

ZEEK: He went to the
hospital with chest pains.

SARAH: No!
ZEEK: Yeah.

SARAH: Wait a minute,
you attacked an umpire?

ADAM: I did not
attack the umpire.

What did you do?

Well, no, it was
a terrible call.

And I am proud of you, Son,
for standing up for justice.

Dad, you're actually
not helping.

Yeah, but did his
neck veins pop?

Oh, man, they looked like garden
hoses, they were so bulged out.

Daddy, can you
cut my meat?

I got it, sweetie.

No, Daddy does it better.

I'm right here, sweetie.

SYDNEY: I want Daddy.

Fine.

Joel, thank you.

So, Sarah.
Mmm-hmm?

What's the plan?
The plan?

Are you gonna
look for a job or...

(CHUCKLES) Well, no, no,
I've been home an hour.

I was asking a question.
And I don't have a job yet.

I was just asking a question.
SARAH: Okay.

I was just asking
a question, right?

I'm Switzerland. Don't look at me. Zeek.

CROSBY: I don't want
anything to do with this.

Can we have
a little toast?

(GLASS CLINKING)

ZEEK: Excuse me. Excuse me.
Old war here.

The Master Toast-Maker
has the floor.

To Drew, and Amber

and my shining
angel, Sarah.

Welcome home.
Thanks, Dad.

ALL: Welcome home!
Here, here!

Welcome home!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

(GRUNTS)

Oh, Max, come on.

So you're saying you
found sperm in her freezer?

Yes.
Human sperm?

I guess. I didn't
send it to a lab.

(LAUGHS)
This is crazy.

What's she gonna
do with it?

Gee, Joel, I don't know.
I didn't ask her.

This is uncool.
Can we just play ping pong

so I can lose
myself in sport?

Hey, she slept with you with
another man's sperm in her freezer.

It's unconscionable.
She has to be confronted.

ZEEK: Hey, get back in.
Come on, Max.

So, when is she ovulating?

ZEEK: Let me see you
just dribble.

If somebody
gets up in your grill,

you gotta
shove them back.

You... You gotta
get tough, Max.

Kick some ass, baby.

Hey, hey, Dad!
What?

Can you just take it
down by about half?

Yeah. Okay, are you ready?
I guess.

(GRUNTS)
Good. Come on.

(SIGHS) So, is Max still wearing
the pirate costume to school?

We think he's working
through that.

No thanks, I'm cool.

You know, if you wanted to come hang
out with me and my friends after school,

I mean, we honestly
don't do anything,

but if you wanted to come
hang out with us,

you could.

Whew, wow. Okay, wow, really warm
invitation. Thank you so much.

Okay.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

Sarah.
SARAH: What?

You will never guess who I keep running
into at Berkeley Coffee downtown.

Who?
Jim.

CAMILLE: Jim?
Jim Kazinsky.

Ah, Jim Kazinsky.

The Unabomber?
I thought he died.

BOTH: No, no,
Jim Kazinsky.

Oh, Jim Kazinsky!
He was real cute.

I really liked Jim.

Yeah, well, 20 years ago, moving on.

How's he look?

Smoking hot!

Really? Hmm.
Yeah.

You should call him.
No, no.

I'm setting it up.
No, please don't.

You need a date.

Mmm-hmm, you do.

Badly.

ADAM: You're going to
be fine now.

Incoming!
Bloody nose.

Major flow.
Oh, man.

ADAM: It's all right, we're going
to get you all fixed up, all right?

Adam, what...
What happened?

Elbow to the face.

You elbowed him
in the face?

He was in my zone.

Okay, he's eight!

Well, I apologized to him, didn't
I, Max? Did I... I apologized.

Mom, can you
get some ice?

Where were you?

I was just playing some
ping pong with Crosby,

I was trying to
get him to mellow...

I don't know
what happened.

You got him?
Yeah.

ADAM: Dad?
Your grandpa's an idiot.

Dad, what are you doing?
What?

What are you doing?
Oh, Adam.

You know, the boy has
some height deficiencies.

We need to make him
a ball handler.

Do you... Do you really have to
be playing with him that hard?

Hey, you weren't
any different.

You had to get over
your fears, too.

We're not raising him the way
that you raised us, all right?

Oh. Okay, what's that
supposed to mean?

It means I don't want him to feel
like everything in life is a war.

Oh, Sonny.

It is a war.

(EXHALES)

Good night, you guys.
Sleep tight.

Have you been
smoking in here?

Ew, can you please not use that
thing in front of me? It's gross.

How much longer do we
have to share a room?

I don't know, honey.
That reminds me, Drew,

if you feel the urge to release
the tension, so to speak,

do you think you could
do it in the bathroom?

Oh, Amber!

Look, if there's not
enough room here, I mean,

maybe I can move
back to Fresno.

What?
Yeah, I can move in with Dad.

AMBER: Oh, yeah,
that's a good idea.

Maybe you guys could
share a drug dealer.

Oh, my God!

He's got an extra bedroom,
and we've talked about it.

You have?
Kind of, yeah.

I don't know, honey,
Dad gets so busy.

And what if he has
to go out on tour?

Can we just talk
to him about it?

Yeah, sure. Course.

You should not
be smoking,

especially not in your grandmother
and grandfather's house.

We are guests
in this house.

Oh, I thought
we lived here.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SINGING)

(CHOIR SINGING)

Hey, how's it going?

Good.

Um...

Is something off
in the sopranos?

No.

Yeah, I think there's
a little something...

Okay, hey, yeah.

It's called a major seventh
chord, and it's fine.

Well, I'm the producer. I'm the
one who has to answer to the client.

Why are you so testy?

I don't know, maybe it has something
to do with the sperm in your freezer.

Oh. I was wondering
if you saw that.

Were you wondering?

'Cause it's this gigantic
shiny thermos full of semen.

So, yeah, I found it
right next to the coffee.

I do not want to have
this conversation again.

I am ready to have a baby
and you're not.

You're not mature enough.

Okay, I'm not
mature enough?

I'm not the one out
scrounging up some guy's sperm.

And I am not
scrounging it up.

I bought it. For a lot.

And I have to tell you,
actually, it is amazing sperm.

Is it?
Yeah.

The donor is an Olympic
athlete and a Rhodes scholar.

Great. Then it sounds like this
sperm's going to be an excellent father,

so maybe he can coach
soccer for you or whatever.

You're an idiot. Yeah.
I'm an idiot?

Okay, I don't have a
space-age contraption in my...

When are you ovulating?

Friday.

(CHOIR SINGING)

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

Hey, Maximo, save some
paper for the rest of us.

Freak.

(YELLING)

Boys!
(MAX GRUNTING)

Boys! Max!

Max! Max, stop it!
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Calm down.
Stop it! Stop it.

Max, calm down.

AMOS: He bit me!

MISS A: Back to work,
everyone.

He bit me!

MISS A: Max,
what are you doing?

I just can't believe
that Max would do that.

He must have
been taunted.

And we will deal with Amos as well, but
for right now, we want to focus on Max.

I think we're overanalyzing
this a little bit.

Maybe if we didn't allow him to
wear a pirate costume to school,

he'd fit in a little better.
Wait a minute.

We all decided that
we would monitor

the pirate situation...
No, everyone else decided,

and now he's
getting picked on,

which is exactly what
I thought would happen.

I think what we're trying
to say here is we're not sure

that Sullivan Elementary
is the right fit for Max.

I, um... I'm sorry,
I don't understand.

I think we should take Max to an
educational therapist to have him tested

to see whether or not she thinks
Max can be successful here.

Let's just cut to the chase. Are we
getting expelled? You giving us the boot?

Adam.

Are we?

That's great. Amber's out
with Haddie and her friends.

Ooh, here's a two and one in
Emeryville. That looks good.

Emeryville?
Over my dead body.

Why don't you
put that thing down?

You're staying right here
until you get back on your feet.

Mom, I'm on my feet,
I'm not destitute.

I've just got a little
financial trouble,

and two degenerate kids,
but I'll be fine.

I'm just letting you know
we're here for you.

Thank you.

But trust me, I think
I should cut this out.

You know, in the slim chance
that we wear out our welcome.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Who's this?

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

Can you believe this?

Adam, hey.

Hey, it's okay, all right?

They weren't
officially booked.

So, it's not going
to go on their records.

Oh, thank God
for that, huh?

Oh, God, Kristina,

I'm so sorry.

Oh, it's okay.
It's fine. It's over.

It's over.
KRISTINA: It's okay.

Perfect.

I'll make us some coffee.

Mom.

It wasn't my weed.

That's great.
What a relief.

I'm so proud
of you, honey.

(CHATTERING ON TV)

Whoa, date night.

Please, no comments.

Where's he taking you?

Chinese.

Sexy.
(SIGHS)

That's enough out of you.
Okay? That's enough.

I want you to know you made
me mad and you embarrassed me,

and it's going to be a long time
before you earn my trust back.

Okay.

Are you sure
about the shoes?

Go on.
Well,

I mean, it's a date,
not a Bar Mitzvah.

I just think you should really go
with your strong suit, you know?

What is my strong suit?

Your boots, obviously.

Right.

Also, that bag is...
It's very 1960s.

Not in a good way.

Oh, God.

Hi.
Hi.

Sarah? Hi. It's me.
It's... It's Jim.

Oh, my God.

Hi.
Hey.

Oh. Hey. Oh.
Ow!

(STAMMERING) Oh, God. I'm sorry. I didn't
realize you were going to the right.

Are you okay?
Yes, I'm good.

You look great.

Oh, and you...

Wow.
(CHUCKLES)

You want to
sit down or...

Okay.
Yeah.

(BOTH TITTERING)

Gosh.
Hey.

So...

(STUTTERS)
(SIGHS)

Oh, Julia said that she ran
into you at Berkeley Coffee.

Yeah.

Do you live near there?
Do you work near there?

Oh, maybe she didn't...

(STAMMERING) I... I work at
Berkeley Coffee. I'm a barista.

Oh. Yeah.
Yeah.

She didn't say that.

And so how long have you
been in the caffeine game?

Look, it's a long story.

Actually, I used to go in
there... I'm sorry, I'm just...

I'm just going to cut
you off. I have to...

I'm just going to make
a quick... Oh, okay.

And then I'm going to be
right... That's fine...

I'll get the appetizers
started? Okay. Yeah.

Do you like shrimp toast?
Any kind of toast.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?
Well...

Is this
who I am to you?

What are you
talking about?

I mean, I know I'm not a
big lawyer who walks around

on the weekends
in a juicy pantsuit,

but does that mean I have to go
out with a fat, balding barista?

I'm just wondering,
is that who I am to you?

Oh, my God, Sarah...

No. No, no, don't
"Oh, God" me, Julia.

I know you're sexier than
me. Everybody knows it.

Whoa, whoa, hold on.

I don't understand why you have to
always prove that you're better than me.

I am never letting
you set me up again. Ever.

Good, because I'm done
trying to help you.

Well, you... I don't need your help
because I'm not some charity case.

Screw you!

Oh, no, screw you!

I can't talk to you right now.
Anyway, I have to go,

because I am on
a friggin' date.

(SIGHS)

Is everything okay?

It's great.

Listen, I...

I have something
I want to show you.

It's yours. That's the ring I gave you.

Oh, yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah.
How do you have it?

Oh, well, I don't
know if you remember.

You sort of threw it at me
the night you broke up with me.

Oh!

(GASPS) I hit you
right in the eye.

Yeah, remember? I said,
you should really...

BOTH: Try out
for the A's.

Right.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)

So, I want you to know
I'm not just a barista.

I rebuild trucks
from the '30s,

have several ping pong
trophies on display

in my otherwise
unimpressive apartment,

and if that's not enough,
which I'm sure it is,

I just found out The New Yorker
is publishing one of my poems.

The real New Yorker?
Yeah.

Yeah, thanks.

I'm really glad
you called.

You know, I've always
thought about you, Sarah.

(SNIFFLES)

Are you...
Are you all right or...

You just kept
this all this time.

It's so nice.

You're so nice
and funny.

I married this guy
who's, you know,

like a tortured musician,
and he has this drug problem.

I was such a jerk.

Just...

I... I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'm just... I'm not very good at the...

The dating thing
anymore, you know?

And, I mean, let's face
it, in my prime, I wasn't...

I wasn't that
good at it either.

You're more beautiful
than I remember you.

Shut up.
You are.

Seriously,
please shut up.

Really?

Is your dad home?

Jim. It's okay.
What?

We're 38.
Oh.

No condoms.
I'm sorry.

I have just become so accustomed
to the idea of not getting laid.

(EXCITEDLY)
Oh! Oh! It's okay.

What? What?

Oopsy!

What? What was that?

I got it.
What?

Why does your dad have
condoms in his desk drawer?

I don't know. I was looking for
scissors the other day and I found them.

Oh, my God. What did you do?
(SCREAMS)

I stared at them for two
hours and then I went to sleep.

Do you think
he's having an affair?

Oh, my God!
Stop talking!

Hey.

Just so you know,

he never actually participated
in a single Olympic event, so...

What?
Your phenomenal sperm.

Stanford Hecht traveled with the
bowling team as a third backup.

He never got in a single
game. He never rolled a ball.

Just thought you might like to know that
before you pull out the turkey baster.

Oh, my God,
you Googled my sperm.

Yeah, I Googled
your sperm.

I can't believe that you're doing this
without even discussing it with me.

Well, what are we
supposed to discuss?

Every time the word
commitment comes up, you wince.

That's not true.
You just winced.

Yeah, oh, prove it. No,
prove it. You just winced.

You're an infant.
You're panicky.

I am 34.
I want a baby.

Oh, okay, so you're just
going to inseminate yourself

with the seed of some
third-rate hack bowler?

Yeah.

I mean, how about having a
conversation or a compromise?

You want half a baby? A
bunny? What's a compromise?

No, like, you know, you give me a little
time to figure out my career stuff.

I just saw a decade flash before
my eyes. I need numbers, babe.

Okay. Five years. Tops.

I'll give you three.
Fine!

Okay!
Great!

So you're saying that you'll have
a baby with me in three years?

Yep.

Oh, my God.
I love you.

Okay, oh.

Oh, God, I love you.

I love you, too.
I love you.

(SINGING) Twinkle, twinkle, little star

How I wonder...

Mommy...
Yeah, baby.

Could Daddy sing?

Of course.

Joel!

There he is. Hey, babe!
Yeah.

She wants you
to sing to her.

Sweetie, Mommy rushed here to
get home to sing you to sleep.

No, it's fine. We got to read the book.

And the book is the
best, best, best part.

All right.

All right, you. Let's see which
one we haven't sung in a while.

The Monkey Chased
the Weasel.

Okay. Let's see...

(SINGING) Round and
round the cobbler's bench

The monkey chased
the weasel

The monkey thought
it was all in fun

(POPS) goes the weasel

SARAH: No pants.
Let's make this fast.

JIM: Okay.

I just don't want you
to get grounded, okay?

(JIM SCREAMS)
Oh, no! Oh, no!

SARAH: Oh, no. Are you
okay? Gotta run, gotta run.

JIM: I've got six
or seven splinters.

(SARAH LAUGHING)

Okay, okay, be very
quiet. Be very quiet.

Why haven't...
This is not allowed.

Don't make any noise. Don't make
any noise. You're the one screaming.

(SARAH SHUSHING)
Shut up!

It's not even funny.
Oh, oh, oh, this is awful.

I have cookies.
This is so awful.

It's blackberry brandy,
and it's delicious.

I'm not going to have
a problem with this.

Hi, honey, how was
dinner with Uncle Adam?

Oh.

I'm so dead.

CROSBY: Man, I just don't
know who you are anymore.

I don't know what to
say. I'm devastated.

It's not a big deal.

Mmm. Yeah.
It's a big deal.

You're at Oscar's and you
ordered a veggie burger.

You know how
twisted that is?

Didn't you say there was
something you wanted to talk about?

Check that out.

It's from Jasmine, the
dancer, from five years ago.

Remember her?

Flexible one.

She was, really.

Mmm-hmm.
Flexible.

She contacted me
after all this time.

I've had like five
emails since we went out.

And I think she's, you know,
pursuing me 'cause look, it's, oh,

"What are you
doing this weekend?

"Can I stop by?"

Yeah, whoa.

"Stop by."
Whoa, that's... Yeah.

Bold, right?
Yeah.

So, do you think
it's cool if I see her?

Even though
I'm quasi-engaged?

You're what?
You know...

I'm potentially in negotiations
to get engaged to Katie.

But I thought that we agreed that
you were going to confront her

about the
sperm situation.

Yeah, I did.

And you ended up
getting engaged?

(STUTTERS) I didn't get...
Listen. All right.

I agreed to have a child
with her in three years.

So I think the marriage thing
is probably implied, right?

Oh! Oh! Yeah. Yeah.

Mmm-hmm.

Is this really how you
want to live your life?

Okay, look, I'm sorry we can't all be
the perfect couple like you and Kristina

and eat veggie
burgers and stuff...

You're an idiot.

That's pretty harsh.

Are you gonna
eat your fries?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, hey.

Hi.
What's going on?

I heard from the educational therapist.

She said that she has
some concerns about Max.

Uh-huh.

She feels that Max has
some learning differences.

Okay, listen, I've given this some
thought. I wanna contact the school,

get Max a tutor to help him
through this rough period.

Honey, she wasn't
just talking about...

I understand that, but she wasn't
just talking about academics.

I get that,
but we'll deal with it.

Honey, she thinks
that he may have...

She thinks that he
may have Asperger's.

Asperger's?

Like autism? Look, Max is not autistic.

It's high-functioning
autism.

A lot of people with Asperger's
live productive lives.

Max is not autistic.
Adam.

Kristina, I've seen
autistic kids.

The Lessings' kid,
with the hand flapping.

I mean, come on. When she was
with him, she saw certain patterns.

He was having a very bad
day, okay? I know that he was.

And those tests that she
gave him were ridiculous.

Adam. That's not true.

She didn't connect
with him at all.

You know how important it is for
him to feel safe with someone.

She said if we get
him the right tools...

Just what I said,
a tutor.

Adam, she wasn't
talking about a tutor.

I'm not sending him
to special ed.

Honey, there is something
wrong with our baby!

It's not just... It's not
just the academics, okay?

(STUTTERS) It's not just the
biting or the pirate costume.

Or the fear of fire
or the tantrums.

It's everything.

Please don't make me
be alone with this.

I don't want to.
I know. Come here.

All right?

Okay.

(KIDS CHATTERING)

Max.

Hey, Max.

You forgot your book bag. Do you want
me to hang it up in the hallway for you?

Hey, Max!

Max, that... That kid
just said hello to you.

Max, if... If you don't say hello back,
he might think that you're being rude.

Okay.

Did you hear him say hello? Uh-huh.

(BELL RINGING)

Max? Max? Max!
I love you.

We just need to bring in...
It's like the home stretch.

We just need to bring in
a couple more cans here...

Oh! Oh, excuse me.

Adam, hey.

Hey, Paul.
Great running into you.

Listen, this is
a little uncomfortable.

The board of the Little League
had a meeting last night.

The consensus was that maybe it
might be better if you stepped aside.

Let someone else coach
the rest of the season.

Jordan Shefranick's
dad's able to step in.

Oh, okay.

(SIGHS)

And, Adam, they also asked me to tell you
that you can't be present at future games.

They've had some complaints
from some parents.

Apparently, the umpire's
filing a lawsuit.

(SNICKERS)

Really sorry, Adam.

It was a bad call.

Yeah, yeah,
thanks for that!

I'm sorry, I couldn't get back to
the office, so you make the call

and I'll talk to you tomorrow
morning. (KNOCK AT DOOR)

Okay, bye.

Hey.
Hi. You're home early.

No, I had this meeting over at
Shattuck, and then Crosby called,

freaking out about some
emergency that couldn't wait.

Drew didn't happen
to come by, did he?

Here? No.
Yeah.

(SIGHS) I got a weird
call from the school.

Yeah?

Anyway, I don't know, I'm
just trying not to panic.

I'm sure it's nothing,
it's just...

CROSBY: Adam,
I'm in a real pickle, man.

Katie already tried
to move up the date.

You got to get me
out of this engagement.

Engagement?
Oh, you're judgmental?

You and Katie got engaged?

Whoa, what?

Crosby and Katie
got engaged.

Okay, this is about
the frozen sperm thing.

I'm sorry, the what?

(STUTTERS)
How do you know that?

Is there not any confidential male
guy stuff anymore? My husband maybe.

I don't think so.

Hi, crazy-lady-
who-yells-at-her-sister- from-a-date.

Fine, I may have
overreacted a little bit.

Maybe?
What was that about?

Why are you here?
Why is everyone here?

Because this is
Adam and Crosby time.

I didn't invite them.

Kristina is picking Sydney
up from school for us.

Joel has a dental thing and Sydney
doesn't like me very much anyway.

Julia, that's not true. She
loves you. That's not true.

She openly prefers
Joel. And that is fine.

Because I am a good lawyer
and he is a good father.

So she will be like
a relative of mine.

See, I can manage this. I
can lower my expectations.

Hold that thought.
Hold that thought.

Wait, so are... Are
we saying we lost Drew?

I don't know what
happened, okay?

It might have something to do with the
fact that he walked in on me and Jim

half naked last night.

(CROSBY LAUGHING)
You slept with Jim?

Good for you.

What happened to him being
a fat, balding barista?

I warmed to him.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) How
many days has she been home?

Get them out of here.
JULIA: Well, you're welcome.

Hello? Hi, Seth.

Seth, there's a winner.

No. (WHISPERS) She was
screaming at me on the phone.

(SHOUTS) What?
He's with you?

What are you talking about? Since when?

Yes, I'm upset.
(SIGHS)

Seth, whatever you do, do
not let him out of your sight.

Do you hear me?
I'm on my way.

I'm getting in the car
right now. Goodbye.

He's in
mother-frickin' Fresno.

Sarah, Sarah...

Why... Why don't
I ride with you?

(SIGHS) Thanks.

I'll do this.

Your mom's here.

Drew, honey.
Hey. Hey.

It's just not a really
good time right now.

I mean, I got these road dates
that might come up and it's...

It's okay. Mmm.
You all right?

Is the family good?

Thanks for calling, Seth.

Yeah.

See you soon, champ.

You know, maybe we can
take in a game or something.

Yeah.

Drew.

Drew, come on,
let's go.

Hey!

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Oh, honey.

You

deserve a father.

You deserve
a great father.

I shouldn't have
married him.

And I'm really sorry.

Oh, look at you.
Look at you.

You're almost a man.

When did that happen?

For what it's worth,
you have me.

I'm not going anywhere.

And I'm really sorry, but that's
going to have to be enough.

Okay? Okay.

CHILDREN: (SINGING) Who
can sail without the wind?

Who can row without oars?

Who can leave
a friend behind?

Without shedding a tear

I can sail
without the wind

I can row without oars

I can never leave a friend

Without shedding a tear

(ALL APPLAUDING)

She was great!

Oh, thanks, Dad!

Where's Max and Adam?

ZEEK: Excuse me.

(CHOIR SINGING)

Adam... Adam, what...

What the hell are
you doing out here?

We're fine,
just go back in.

You're going
to miss the end.

Max, come on.
Let's go inside.

(SIGHS)
He can't go in.

What? There're candles in the hallway.

He can't walk past them.
Oh, hell, that's ridiculous.

I mean, all he's got
to do is go by them.

He's gonna be fine. Max,
come on, let's go inside!

Dad, it's not
that simple.

It is that simple, Adam.
I raised four kids.

Dad, there's something
wrong with my son.

There's something wrong.

What do you mean?

There's something wrong.

And I'm going to
need you to help me.

(SIGHS)

Okay.

Oh, Sonny.

What's up?
Hey.

Hey.
Hey.

Jasmine.
Uh-huh.

(HESITATINGLY)
Well, you look great.

Thanks.

(STAMMERING)
Do you want to go inside?

Honey, come here.

Oh, who's this?

That's Jabbar.

Oh, hey, buddy.
I'm Crosby.

He wanted
to meet his dad.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

We have a major situation.

What's going on?

So...

I have a kid.
A son, a boy.

His name is Jabbar.

Jabbar?
I don't know.

She's apparently a
basketball fan or something.

Well, what am I going to
say after that, like...

Isn't the game today?

What?

Well, buddy, I thought you
were done with baseball.

It's my team.

(STUTTERS)

Game's in 10 minutes, everybody, come
on, we got a baseball game to get to.

Okay, baby. Let's go,
let's go, let's go.

Haddie, can you go
grab his uniform, please?

Laundry room, got it.

Grab the...

Oh, my God, I think I'm snack mom
today, can you help me with the snacks?

Yeah. We'll make snacks.

Can somebody bring
his glove, please?

(POP SONG PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(CLINKS)