Paradise PD (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - The Shartist - full transcript

Welcome to the grand opening
of the Lovely Museum of Fine Art.

This is the most culture this town has had
since Hobo-Cop gave us all impetigo.

I'm a hugger.

We are honored to have famous art critic
Dante Diderot here tonight.

And if anyone doubts
his credentials, he is gay.


Dante, please say a few words
about these magnificent works of art.

Every artist is a hack.

Even those half-monkeys
who made the Lascaux cave paintings.

All art is shit.


I never quite understood this one.
Do you like it?

Like it? Hell, I'm in it.

The original title
was Hopson Blowing Alien Wizard.

It all finally makes sense.

Karen Crawford,

I hope this museum gives you
the positive human emotion of happiness.

More than a box of Kmart wine.

Where is your husband?

I enjoyed discussing human feet-ball
with him at the sustenance hour

as we consumed and digested
the flesh of bovine land mammal.

I don't know how to respond to that,

so I'm just gonna show
more cleavage, okay?

Ah, shit, I'm late. Karen's gonna kill me.

Hey, Siri.

No Siri. Only Vlad.

Vlad? All right.
I guess Lovely Phones have Vlad.

Okay, Vlad. Route me to the museum.

You don't want go to museum.
Vlad get you girls. You like.

What? No, I need directions to the museum!

No museum. Strip club.

Routing to the Iron Beef Curtain.

Huh? I'm not going to the...

Wow. They have a buffet?

What do you mean
you're at a Russian titty bar?

How could your phone make you?

Gina, you've gotta stop avoiding me
and give me some answers.

I was searching for answers too,
Kevin, until I met Charles,

and now he's my answer to everything.

You're not acting like yourself.

You disappear for four months

then show up engaged
to some creepy fucking weirdo who...

Too suddenly right next to me.

It is a pleasure to perceive you
through my visual cortex, Kevin AFKAK.

How is my dearest human friend today?

We met yesterday?

Ha, ha. It is adorable
you perceive time in a line.

Ha, ha, ha.


Don't be alarmed.

There's just a bit of bad blood
between Mr. Lovely and his shadow.

Bosses. Am I right?

Would you rich crackers
like some Ritz Crackers?

Oh, I can't believe
we had to take these bullshit jobs

just to make money to support our son.

We'll be fine.
I just need to figure out a way

to scam these rich people
out of their money, that's all.

Yeah, Bullet, well, you need to hurry up.

I'm tired of serving fish sticks
to fuck sticks.

You think this is easy for us?

We're related to half of the food!

Don't worry, Jerry.
Uncle Suckers is in a better place now.

Mmm! My little ol' belly.

Remember, Jerry.
There's more to life than business!

What are you doing here, Dusty?
You weren't invited.

I'm trying to rub elbows with fat cats,
not fat men who love cats.

Don't worry. I ain't gonna embarrass you.

Uh-oh. Now, why didn't nobody tell me

there was shcrumps
in the bacon-wrapped shcrumps!

I'm allergic to shcrumps!

Don't touch the art!

I said don't touch the art.

Karen, I'm sorry.

Sorry for what?

I've spent my whole career
saying art is shit.

Now shit is art,
and it made me feel again.

This man is a genius.


I must have it.

Let's start the bidding at one million.

I'll do ten.

Sold! To Bill Gates.

Wire the funds from the Gates Foundation.

Isn't that money supposed to help prevent
teen pregnancy in developing nations?

Eh, they can just do anal.

Hey, Vlad. What time
is my dentist appointment tomorrow?

Vlad cancel dentist.

Make you appointment
with my cousin Bleemo.

He get you good price.

Ninety percent off
because he's horse dentist.

I ain't going to no horse dentist!

He get you
all new teeth. Don't worry.

I don't need new teeth!

Bleemo give you big teeth.

Two on top, two on bottom.

You'll get big respect.
Girls will love it. You will love it.

You eat apple through fence.

I mean, you are selling it.

It's me. I need a woman's advice,

and you're the only woman
who will speak to me.

Yeah, yeah. I-I know it's 8.99 a minute.

Oh. Oh! You do house calls too?

Well, come on over.

I wanna meet the woman
behind the sexy voice

I've been jerking off to for months.

Hey, baby.

You're a cat?

I thought you were trying to turn me on
when you said you shit in a box.

Yeah, something's wrong with you.
Tell me about your ex-girlfriend.

Well, she came back to town and...

She's a clone.

How did you know
about the cloning facility?

What cloning facility?

Why... why did you say she was a clone?

I don't know. I just say shit.

Gina being a clone would explain
why she's not acting like herself.

Now that we've established
that she's a clone, we gotta prove it.

Does the real Gina have any scars
or tattoos that the clone wouldn't have?

The real Gina doesn't have a clit!

No clit?! Goddamn!

I mean, shit,

mine's hanging on by a thread,
looking like a chewed-up Raisinet,

but it's still there, baby.

So what you're saying is,

if we can get a look
at Gina's lady area, and she has a clit,

it will prove she's a clone!

Hey, Vlad. What is the best way to get
a peek at your ex-girlfriend's vagina?

You don't want see
your ex-girlfriend's vagina.

You want see my cousin Olga's vagina.

She got big strong vagina, like moose jaw.

Want I send pics?


You must marry Olga now.

Welcome to 60 Minutes.

Tonight, we'll meet the man
who is taking the art world by storm.

I like to call this one Poverty in Exile.

It's so powerful. I love the reds.


Hey, Vlad. Set me
an appointment with my doctor.

I was honored
when he offered to paint my portrait.

All done!

I want you to have it.

It really captures me
in a way a photograph never could.

Careful with that! It's still wet!

And if you touch it,
you gonna get sick as hell, son.

Also, they have been known to drip.
So bear that in mind.

I did a ceiling fresco at Nobu.
Several people are still in a coma.

I was honored
that he shatted my portrait

for only $5 million.

Dusty splits the money
with the men who discovered him,

who understand
that art is 10% inspiration,

90% shcrumps.

I don't... I don't like this.
I'm afraid of heights.

Calm down. We're almost to the penthouse
where your ex-girlfriend's clone lives.

There she is.

As soon as she drops that towel,

we'll see she has a clit
and prove she's a clone.

What the hell
is that mangy-ass cat looking at?

What? Don't you point
at me, you skank-ass ho.

What? Oh, hell no! You done fucked
with the wrong crazy bitch!

I'll kill us all!


What the hell are you doing out there?

Oh no. We're busted.

I'll knock those wide-set eyes
right off your bloody head!

Don't you point at me, you skank ho!

You fucked with the wrong crazy bitch!

Coo, I can't stay mad at you.

I don't know about this.

No one in this town will believe
a Jew opened a free waxing place.

Hey, watch your mouth. I'm Jewish.

So am I.

- Then why are we making this joke?
- I don't know.

Well, just get your ass back in there.
Here comes Gina.

Oh hey, girl!

Can I interest you
in a Dr. Pubawitz free bikini wax?

Sure. This doesn't seem odd at all.

Sorry, Gina. It's about time I tried this.

I've got a situation here.
I've never even trimmed it. Like, ever.

- Let me show you...
- No. No, no, no. No...



Look. I just ordered Junior this
diamond-encrusted underwater fire hydrant.

You need to slow down.

You're spending money
faster than Dusty can shit it.

Don't bitch at me for spending money
on what's best for our son.

Like tennis lessons?
Kid doesn't even have hands.

At least be happy
that I got him a good teacher.

You got him Serena fucking Williams!

Good eye, son!

At least you have one good eye! Uh, son?

There you are, Candy Warhol.

That was easy and mean.
I regret saying that. I'm sorry.

Listen, we got
a very important event tomorrow.

Lovely Corp is paying us big bucks

to have you ass-blast
the wall of their lobby.

I don't feel right doing my art
for just a bunch of rich people.

My art should be for everyone to enjoy.

All I'm asking you to do is show up,
eat shrimp, and shit on a wall.

You know, the same thing you did
to ruin my birthday party last year.

Is that all I am to you?
Just a talented shit factory?

Here. I guess I'll pay the bill.

Oh my God!

Hey, honey! Tell the kids
they are going to college!

Hello, fellow sociopaths.

I feel like I have not seen you all

since the infant
blood harvesting/keg party.

Wow. I can't believe all these
famous CEOs showed up to see Dusty.

I'm so... intimidated.

Don't be.

They're just normal people like you

and me...

- Just gotta reset him.
- Me.

Ladies, gentlemen,
and whatever Mark Zuckerberg is...

Higher hair.

...I'd like to introduce
the world's foremost master shartist,

here to create his magnum anus,


you don't need to say anything.

I ain't gonna say nothing bad.

Hello, you motherfucking capitalist pigs!

I'm sick of the rich getting richer
and the poor getting poorer.

Until every man, woman, and child

can afford to pay me millions
of dollars to shit on a wall,

I am done making art!

I better see some sharts
sprayed on that wall,

or I'm gonna need my deposit back.

Hey, Vlad? Quick. I need a shit artist.

Searching web for Adam Levine.


What I tell you? You look great.

Really? I can't close my lips around them.

Uh, you sure girls will like these?

Gals will love. I show you.

Routing to discotheque nightclub
to suck ass of many girls.

Well, this doesn't look
like a discotheque nightclub.

When do the girls get here?

Right after you sit in neurochair
and hook electrodes to head.

Seems legit.

Gals almost here.

Just place phone in docking bay

and flip switch
labeled "transfer mind to phone."

Hey. Pretty sweet body. Vlad like.

What the hell? I'm trapped
in the phone! Get me outta here, Vlad!

No. You stay in phone.

Vlad go to discotheque nightclub
and show off big four-teeth smile,

wear tight pants to accentuate testicles.

Where testicles?

Hmm. This problem.

Hard and square.

Just like babushka's testicles.

Ah, you really screwed us, Fitz.

And now that Dusty isn't making art,
we can't pay our debt to Serena Williams.

Or her sister.

You hired both of them?!

I never said I was good with money.

Had enough?

I mean, you don't hit as hard
as Serena, but it still hurts.

You better get us our money,
or you bitches are dead.

Oh, we're so fucked.

I wish we had saved
one of Dusty's paintings.

Wait a minute.

Dusty shit the wall
at my birthday party last year.


And you just pushed
a bookshelf in front of it?

Yeah, I'm nasty.

But even if we sold this,
it's not gonna be enough to pay them off.

Unless, and I'm just brainstorming here,

artist paintings go way up in value
when they're dead.

We can't kill Dusty.

Kill Dusty? How could you suggest that?

Hey, Vlad. My friend is making me
ask you the best way to kill a fat guy.

I ain't Vlad. I'm Randall.
I'm stuck in a goddamn phone!

Huh. That's weird.

But we still need to know
what the best way is to kill a fat guy.

I don't know.
Cork up his ass and keep feeding him?

Halfway there. Thanks, Chief!

Wait, Fitz. Get me outta here.

What's 72 times 11?

It's, uh...

What's the capital of Maine?

Who gives a fuck?

Where can I stream Picard?

Data dies in the last episode!
Now will you fuck off?

How do you wipe your memory
after nearly drowning in your mom's pubes?

Kevin? Is that you?

Yeah, it's gotta be. Nobody else
would ask a question like that.

It's Daddy. I'm stuck in the phone.
You gotta help me, Kevin.

No Kevin here. The name's AFKAK.

Randall, what the...
What the hell happened to your teeth?!

You like, right?

They're bleeding!

Bleeding stop soon, or get 5% refund.

Where are you going?

Discotheque nightclub
to suck ass of many girls.

W-Wait, what? Your wife's right here!

I hear you got big, big bush.

Vlad like big bush, but not big, big bush.

Hey, Vlad. How can I fuck a Pokémon?

Hopson! I never thought
I'd be so damn happy to hear your voice.

Oh, this damn thing's broken!

Vlad! I want to fuck a Pokémon!

Ooh! Yeah, yeah! Uh...

This is Vlad.

I'll tell you exactly
how you can fuck Pokémon.

There's a chair at Lovely Corp
that you need to sit in.

Oh joy!

Mama said I'd never get to fuck a Pokémon.

Suck that, you dead bitch!

Listen, I-I know we need money,

but I'm having second thoughts
about killing Dusty.

I was about to say the same thing.

There are other ways to make money.

Who ordered 35 fat guy murder buckets?

Yeah, just, uh, put them
back there somewhere.

I mean, we could mow people's lawns.

Nah, I got a bad back.

We could become magicians.

Nah. I don't like capes.

How about dog walkers?

I'm allergic.

Let's keep thinking.


Bullet, you better
shut the fuck up with that shit.


I don't feel so good.

Do I smell a Skittle?

Fitz, you don't have to give him that.
It's not too late to turn back.

I ain't gonna be no fucking magician.

There. Like it never happened.

Yeah! It worked!

Chief, am I dead?

I wish! I tricked you
and trapped you in the phone.


Where the fuck's the Pokémon? I'm horny!

Disco, disco, disco.

I like that he reminds us
of where we are. So hot.

I like that he has four giant teeth
and hard, square testicles.

Hey, give me my body back, you asshole!

I'm so weak.

He's crushing my thin,
hollow, birdlike bones!

Please don't kill me.

Hey, I got an idea
that we'll both like.

Hey. Vlad like
this body better. It have testicles.

Oh, man.

Why didn't I call the one
with the balls I don't have to floss.

What we do with old man?

Leave him in the phone. Somebody's
gotta answer all them stupid questions.

Hey, Vlad. Can you tell me
about Da Vinci's machines?

Uh, no. But I can tell you
about Napoleon's boner parts.

Dusty was a good friend,
and we are very sad.

But not too sad
to auction off this during his funeral.

Bidding starts at 100 million.

Dusty prepared this statement
in case of his death.

"If you're reading this letter,
hopefully I died doing what I love."

"I ate too much, and I exploded."

I cannot believe

you're gonna let that clone get away
with replacing your ex-girlfriend.

What do you want me to do?

Well, go up there,

pull that clone's panties down
in front of everybody at this funeral,

and prove she has a clit.

That sounds like a bad idea.

Or does it sound like a good idea?

Huh. I never thought about it like that.

This woman is a clone, and I'll prove it!

I have no idea what I'm looking at.
Is... is there a clit or not?

I think you going to jail, baby.


Gina, i-it's not my fault.
That cat told me to do it.

It wasn't me.

It was that crazy bitch.

I'll break your dick knuckle,
you little twat waffle!

It's Gina! It's...
It's definitely Gina!


Oh great, Gina!

- Now Bullet killed Dusty for nothing!
- What?

What the fart is this?

I get my clone to cover for me

while I was on vacation
to the Sandwich Islands,

which, side note,
are not made of sandwiches,

and you assholes killed the sumbitch?

It pains me to say this
to my dearest friend, Kevin AFKAK,

but after what you did to Gina,

I think it best
if you stayed away from her.

Gina may not be a clone,
but I know you've done something to her.

I won't rest
until I find out what you're hiding.

You may try.

I know how this ends,
and it does not turn out well for you.

Oh yeah? Well, I know how it ends too.

Gina and I get married
and have three kids!

A smart one, a handsome one,
and one that takes after me!

Where'd you go?

I'm right here, baby.

Miss Whiskers?
Are you here to bail me out?

Nope. I'm here to give you my bill.

Hey, Hopson, honey.
What's 8.99 a minute times 2,243 minutes?

Where the hell is he?

Uh... My Pokémon Go
is doing something weird.

Dear God!

Oh, oh, yeah. I'll make you Squirtle.

How do I ask you a question?

Can mouth get pregnant?

What happens to farts in space?

Can I marry my dog?

Why is my dick bleeding?

What is age of consent for a pig?

Are chemtrails really God's farts?

How big was George Washington's dick?

Show me apartments
exactly 1,000 feet from school.

Why is my dick still bleeding?

Is aftershave safe for butthole?

What was Dr. Pepper a doctor of?

Joy Behar, ass to mouth.