Paradise PD (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Good Jeans - full transcript

Sorry, Mr. Lovely is running late.

He likes to appear suddenly
and give me a mini heart attack.

He's so mysterious.
Tell me more about Charles Lovely.

Well, I met him last year at a job fair,

but I feel like I've known him longer,

because he's been appearing
in my nightmares since I was three.

What else? Uh...

It always gets about five degrees colder
when he enters a room.

I've never seen him eat.
I think he feeds on negative emotions.

Oh! This is a funny tidbit.

If you maintain more than five seconds
of eye contact with him,

you'll go insane for a week.

But not necessarily this week.


He's, uh...


Good to see you,
Karen Crawford of Paradise.

Blood type O-negative,
born April 2nd, 1969,

shall die June 24, 2042.

Wait, what?

I desire to move my company
to Paradise immediately!

This is the location

where I must construct
Lovely Corp headquarters.

Robby and Delbert's house
is on that land.

Just a heads-up, they can be difficult.

Like, North Florida difficult.

It will not be a problem.

It is settled then.

Paradise is the new home of Lovely Corp.

You just need to sign
a standard basic contract.

It'll take me, like, a month to read this.

Lucky for you,
I like surprises. Where do I sign?


Mr. Lovely requires all his contracts
be signed with the blood of a virgin.

This one's fresh
from his YMCA membership agreement.

Don't worry. It won't hurt ya...

And that's how you handle the paper work.

Oh. There's a connect-the-dots
on the place mat.

What'd you tell that Lovely feller

that came around wanting
to buy our house off-camera?

I told that son of a bitch
to floss his teeth with my skinny peter.

It was really funny.
I wish somebody could've seen it.

Anyway. I can't sell this place.

This crack house has been
in my family for generations.

- Two years?
- Yeah, we don't live that long.

What do you want for breakfast, Robby?

Same as every morning.
A crack rock and a Go-Gurt.

We're out of crack, Robby.

Damn it, Delbert! How am I supposed
to know we're out of crack

if you put the empty crack box
back in the cabinet?

Where you going?

Out to buy some crack.

'Cause somebody didn't put it
on the shopping list.

What are you doing out here?

I'm just going outside
to buy some breakfast crack.

Only employees are allowed in the lobby.

What are we gonna do, Robby?

We can't cross the lobby to go buy crack
unless we work for this company.

We about to do the unthinkable, Delbert.

Get jobs.

Is this gonna be
some kind of loony adventure?

I doubt it.

Welcome to Lovely Corp.

Our company has hundreds of divisions
and produces a wide variety of products.

Like the Lovely Phone.

Which are yours for free!

Free samples? Just like Costco!

Too bad I got banned from Costco

'cause I got too excited
and ate a whole tray.

That seems like an overreaction.

Try telling that to Tray's wife.
'Cause she's a single mother now.

Just scroll to the bottom on your phone
and click yes on the user agreement.

Ow! It cut me!

It's just collecting a little DNA.

You know, I do the same thing
in the bathroom at the Elks Lodge.

I thought Charles Lovely would be here.

Oh, he's here.
He's watching us from that painting.

Mr. Lovely is a big fan
of Scooby-Doo gags.

That's why he makes me wear this.

He has also requested
that you join him for dinner tonight

so he can meet your family,
and you can meet his fiancée.

Tonight? Eugh.

A little late to pull together a family
I'm not embarrassed of, so...

What are you talking about?

I was the life of the party
the last time you had an important event.

Oh, fuck you, Karen.
Your dad would have loved this.

Hey, guys? Feels like that painting
is following me around the room.

This is our shipping department.

We ship any size product
with same-day delivery.

You ship any size?

Looks like somebody just got out
of walking two blocks

back to his apartment.

Goop! They even got free Pirate Booty
in case I get hungry.

Mmm. Mmm.

Tastes bitter for some reason.

This is our Lovely
Virtual Reality department.

Oh, cool! I wanna check that out.

This is Lovely VR,
the most realistic experience imaginable.

It scans your memories
and recreates your world...

Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Hey! That could be dangerous!
It's experimental!

Oh, I stuck my dick
in a warm can of ravioli last night.

I'm not afraid to experiment.

Can you leave now?

Here are your clones we made
from the DNA your phone collected.

Aw. Mine's got my little moustache.

Aw, and your little dick too.

Go fuck yourself, Hopson!

Don't mind if I do.

Why the long face, AFKAK?

I was excited to try Lovely VR
and escape my shitty life,

but they won't let me.

I actually stole one
of those Lovely VR headsets,

and I'll give it to you
if you help us fill out our résumé.

We got stuck on this question.

Name? You guys don't know
how to spell your own names?

Well, I know the alphabet song
my meemaw taught me.

♪ "R" is the "P" with a hard-on ♪

♪ "Q" is an asshole with a tail ♪

♪ "H" is two fellows touching cock tips ♪

What if I just buy the VR headset?

Okay. $300 sound fair?

Oh, wow! It's so realistic!

Oh, yeah, yeah. Y-You're in the game now.

I-I'm not even real.

Call me VR, 'cause I'm Virtual Robby.

Call me VD, 'cause I got VD.

I'm having dinner
with a billionaire tonight,

so I need to look my best.

Turn around, please.

Stop. Where is it?

- Where's what?
- Your ass.

I thought it looked okay.

Your ass looks like a flyover state.

Flat, poor, and I don't wanna be in it.

Get out of my store, you no-ass freak!

What kinda tailor are you?!

Mean Because My Dad
Didn't Love Me Clothing.

No. We don't carry size XL.

Because we outfit humans,
not whales. Fuck off!

So what do you two bring to the table?

Let's see.

Pills, half a chili dog, some toenails.

I've got a dead Gila monster.

Let's just take a look at your sad résumé.

Oh. Says here you each have
a master's from Cal Fullerton.

No. We have a master named Cal Fullerton.

He's a dominatrix who comes to our house
and makes us do S&M stuff.

Yeah, Cal's scary, man.

He makes me load up my piss hole
with Redenbacher corn kernels

and heats up my sack
with a blowtorch till it pops.

Then I run around ejaculating popcorn

while Delbert tries
to catch them in his mouth.

Cal calls that one "movie night."

I don't know
why we keep inviting him over.

To be honest,
I've never seen two worse applicants.

You have no experience, no education,

and you have several open sores
on your faces.

But you're both white men,
so you're obviously hired.

Ah! Commentary.

Thank you for agreeing
to come down and ID your son's body.

I know this isn't easy.

I told Cal Fullerton
he was getting too rough.

Hey, Mort. I need an outfit for a shindig.
You got this shirt in an XL?

Check the bottom left drawer.

Score! Free belt too.

Here's your son. Sorry about the mix-up.

That's him.

I guess my grandchildren
will grow up without a father.

Whoa! Nice jeans!

Look how good his ass looks.

You know what?
These jeans are important evidence.

Uh... I used to be a cop.

This is insane!
I'm not gonna let you desecrate...

Wow! Your ass looks great in those.

Now my son's not the only one
who's getting stiff.

Is this drain just for blood,
or can I wring my panties out in it?

♪ Look at that ass ♪

♪ It's a big Jersey ass ♪

♪ You know you want that ass ♪

♪ Ass ♪

♪ Tailor said you got a flat ass?
Gonna burn down his store ♪

♪ Ass ♪

♪ Wait, he's still inside? ♪

♪ Fuck that tailor ♪

♪ Just keep shaking that ass ♪

♪ Ass ♪

This VR is incredible.

I can do whatever I want,
and there are no consequences.

Eleven items in the express lane!
I'm so bad.

Sir, you can't do that.

Can I do this?

Yo ink.

This game is fun!

This is bullshit.

How they gone call this a male room,
and there ain't no sexy hot males in here?

Holy shit. A 90-inch TV.

Hey, get rid of that.

"Ship to Robby in the lobby."

Phew! Man, I'm bushed.
That was a hard day's work.

Hey, Robby. I wonder what this is for.

Oh, I know exactly what it's for.

Turn it off! Turn it off!

Are you the one that stuck his tallywacker
into the pneumatic vacuum?


Don't be modest!

That's what I call a power move.

Richard Branson
starts every day like that.

You two are getting a huge promotion!

You're giving them a promotion for that?

I've been with this company for ten years!

And not once in those ten years

have you thought
to put your dick up the tube.

♪ Look at that ass! Pow! ♪

♪ It's a big, juicy ass! Pow! ♪

♪ Tailor said I got a flat ass! Pow! ♪

♪ Gonna burn down his house! Wow! ♪

♪ Fuck his family ♪

Can you help feed the baby?

Hell no, Karen.

I ain't gonna mess up
my new Jordache jeans.

What do you mean, "Hell no"?
I should kick your...

Ass! Big, juicy ass!

Hey. Don't touch me, Karen.
These jeans are perfect and dick-tight.

If I get a boner,
I'll stretch out the front and ruin 'em.

I don't care how you got that ass,
but it is beggin' for a peggin'.

Well, you ruined this for me.

I'm just gonna watch TV.

No! Ever since I was a little kid,
Count Chocula has given me boners!

How are we supposed to keep track
of what gives you a boner?

Well, I made you a list.

One, all breakfast cereal mascots.

Two, Mexican Pizza from Taco Bell.

Three, dogs dressed as fish.

Four, Lou Ferrigno in full Hulk makeup.

Ugh. This is fucking stupid.

Gingers calling me stupid.
That's number 72!

The kick is good! Swish!

Kevin! You did this?!

I thought Don Jr. was trying
to get his dad's attention again.

None of this is real. Not even you.

It wouldn't matter
if I killed you too, or... or did this.

What the fuck?!

How did you not get any on him?

It's all a game. See?

This is good VR. E-Even the pain is real.

This ain't a game, you maniac!

You're wearing a damn snorkel mask!

What? You mean I...
I really killed those people?

And wood-chipped the baby?

A-And pulled out
the poor old lady's boobies?

And jerked off my cousin Pierre.

Sorry, Pierre.

It is cool. I am European.

A hand job is how we say bonjour.

Oh! Oh! Ron Perlman
finally get his 90-inch TV.

If they shipped me fat man
by mistake, me club him to death.


This definitely real TV.

Unga bunga! This thing heavy!

Let's see what on news.

Hello. This is CNNN
with some breaking news.

I'm Connie Chung.

You know, it just came in
that watching TV can be deadly

to ugly sumbitches with protruding brows,

significant under bites,
and close-set eyes.

If you match that description,
go to another room so the TV can escape.

Oh. Good thing Ron Perlman
handsome Hollywood actor,

so Ron stay here and watch TV all day.


Unga bunga. Let's see what on NBC.

It's me, Bill Cosby, with The Cosby Show.

Jism, blasm.

I'm a rapist, but you see,

but you don't know that yet,
'cause this is the reruns.

Blasm, jisms, uh...

Oh. TV look a little off.

Perlman better adjust contrast. Oh! Oh!

What's wrong with the boss?

Ah, he's been like that since somebody
stole his magic Jordache jeans

that made his booty pop.

He's really insecure about his ass.

Boss, cheer up.

Cheer up?

The only reason I got the respect
of the five families

was my thick dumpster-truck ass.

But without my Jordache jeans,
I got a butt like a skinny white girl.

You know what they're gonna do

when they see
that I ain't got no junk in the trunk?

That I ain't got no sugar lumps?

That I ain't got gaba-glutes?

They're gonna tease me.

Sir, we have a dress code.

Can I offer you some house pants?

Listen, you little prick!

I'm not wearing any pants
till I find my Jordache jeans!

Boss, look!

My Jordache jeans! Grab him!


Yous got one chance
to get outta here alive.

Give me those pants right now.

Hold on, hold on. Let me think.

Hmm... Fuck off.

Let me shoot him, boss.

No! You might hit the pants!

Then I'll cut his throat.

And have his blood drip down
all over my pants? Use your fucking head!

Let's choke him.

I don't know, boss. Every time
I get choked, I shit my pants.

What if we gas him?

Eesh. I don't know about that.

Every time I get gassed, I shit my pants.

My fucking dentist hates me.

Looks like you guys can't touch me.

Even if I said something
like your boss has a flat ass.


His ass is so flat,
Kyrie Irving thinks it's the Earth.


His ass is so flat,
Matt Gaetz might ask him for nudes.


♪ Everyone's watching ♪

♪ To see what you will do ♪

♪ Everyone's looking at you ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ And everybody's working
For the weekend ♪

Happy birthday!

Uh, yes, is this the estate
of "Macho Man" Randy Savage?

Oh, nice. Okay.

I'm the Head of Acquisitions
here at Lovely Corp.

I want to acquire the bones
of Mr. "Macho Man" Randy Savage.

Why? Because we gonna do a little
unholy ceremony to reanimate his body.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yes, I'm high on cocaine. Why?

Can I go with y'all?
I feel like I'm a misfit too.

Delbert, who the hell are you talking to?

Rudolph, Hermey the Dentist, and...

Shit. They were just here.

Let's see what on guide.

Me check out History Channel.

Oh shit. Hey, I'm historical figure
named... Adolf Hitler.

I invented mac and cheese,

and I went to the Moon,
and I wrote the Bible.

Which my son, Abraham Lincoln,
well, he was a Japanese ice-road trucker

that wrote the movie Porky's Revenge!

Who say TV not educational?

Oh! Oh! Oh!
Sons of Anarchy on! Unga bunga!

Vroom! Vroom!

I'm Ron Perlman.
I'm a big, caveman-looking sumbitch.

Unga bunga! I like motorcycles!

The writing was so good.

Karen, you ain't gonna believe this one.
These mobsters wanted my pants.

I said, "Hey, I'm willing to die
for these pants, and so is my family."


Don't fuck around. Come on out.

Oh, you know hide-and-seek
is number five on my boner list.

We have your wife and baby.

Bring the Jordache jeans,
or your family's dead.

Yours truly, Bobby Bubble butt.

Will you let me hide here
from Cal Fullerton?

If I die one more time this week,
they're gonna cancel my Medicaid.

We find the defendant
AFKAK Pubesalad Crawford

guilty of the charges of arson,
robbery, serial genocide,

dildo-based elder abuse,
and forcibly kissing 25 dogs.

And stealing one's heart.

It's not my fault.
I thought it was a game.


I sentence you to death
by electric, lethal gas,

injection, and firing squad,
while hanging.

And that's the game. Pretty fun, right?

How the hell have you two managed
to spend $50 million in three hours?!

Cocaine's expensive.

We didn't spend a single dollar
without doing a fuck-us group.

It's a focus group.

No, I'm pretty sure it's a fuck-us group,

'cause we brought in a group,
and they fucked us.

I'm starting to think making you VPs
and giving you stock options

because you stuck your dick
up a tube was a bad idea.

Not a single one
of your investments had returns.

One of them returned. From the dead.

Oh yeah.
It's the "Macho Skele-Man" Randy Savage.

That atomic elbow was almost
as strong as the dark magic

that brought me back to life!

Oh yeah!

Can't believe Perlman be watching
Skinemax four hours straight.

Perlman love TV.

Everything but scary movies.

Oh. What wrong with TV?

Perlman can't change channel!

Ooh! Look at me!
I'm that scary sumbitch from The Ring.

I'm gonna get ya. I'm gonna get ya good!

Please don't kill Perlman!

Me do anything!

Crawl your little ass in that TV frame
and entertain me for a change.

Now, I wanna watch Hell boy.

Me Ron Perlman. Oh! Oh!

Me... me big, caveman-looking
son of bitch. Unga bunga!

Me like motorcycles. Vroom. Vroom.

Whoo! That Ron Perlman's
got a lot of range.

I'm here for my family.

You bring my jeans?

Send them over,
and I'll toss you the jeans.

Come to Daddy!

Hey, hey. How's my ass?


I hate to tell you this, boss,

but it's flatter
than Ron Perlman's frontal cortex.

Are you waiting for a Ron Perlman cutaway

where he goes, "Unga bunga,"
and gets all pissed?

Well, he ain't watching.
There was a hilarious mix-up with his TV.

Aw, great!
That was the best part of the script!


- Boss, your ass is flat.
- What?!

Those are Dollar Tree jeans!

You'll never get my pants!

If I can't have those jeans, nobody can,
you apple-bottomed dickhead!

Run! Go, go, go!

Ha ha! I got my family back and escaped

without getting a scratch
on my magic jeans.

This is a great... Uh-oh.

Aw, I just came in my pants.

That's the last straw, motherfucker.

Ten months undercover as a pair of pants
to take down Mafia don, Bobby Bubble butt,

and not only do you ruin it,
you came on the back of my head!

Clappers? They let you back into the FBI?

That's really your first question?
Not how the fuck are you pants?

Since that motherfucker Thester
slashed our cocaine budget,

I can't think of no more
good business ideas no more.

In a recession, it's beneficial
to buy something that's recession-proof.

Oh yeah.

You a damn undead skeleton.
You don't know shit about business.

Why you so stressed out, Robby?

You know what?
I know why I'm so stressed out.

Because we lost track of why
we took this job in the first place.

To buy crack.

You're right, Robby.

We did so much cocaine,
we almost forgot who we are.

We're crackheads.

Let's make it right, Delbert.

We quit!

Good morning, Mr. Crack Dealer, sir.
We would like to buy some crack.

I'm sorry. I sold it all to that guy.

Crack rock is recession-proof. Oh yeah.

I guess I do know about business, uh-huh.

Because I'm the new VP
of Acquisitions. Oh yeah.

You two sumbitches
ready for movie night?

Oh shit! It's Cal Fullerton!

Let us back in!

I'm so happy that your whole family
could make it to dinner.

I am so happy
you brought your tiny mortal.

He is very attractive.

He's a goddamn BILF, that's what he is.

I hear it is customary
to give these strange beings a gift.

I present you this Snuggle Me Lovely Doll.

I love you. You love me.

Time is a meaningless construct.

We are already dead.

Now, I'd like for you to meet my fiancée.


I hope I'm not too late, honey.

Wow. That is the biggest surprise
of this episode.

Oh really? Did you forget
that I was pants, motherfucker?