Paradise PD (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Paradise Found - full transcript

Mmm!

Hey, Glenda!

You got some
swole-lookin' pecs there, girl.

Marlowe, you got a visitor.

Oh, God, Dusty! I've missed you so much.

Gina, please don't press
your bare b-hole to the glass.

It looks like a hungry suckerfish.

Oh, that's it!
I'm busting you out of here.

Gina, I told you,
I don't want to leave because...

♪ I love it in this women's penitentiary ♪

♪ Lucky I got sentenced to a century ♪



♪ It's like a slumber party
that never ends ♪

♪ You call 'em soulless, violent felons
I call 'em best friends ♪

♪ I call 'em best friends ♪

♪ My cellmate's always prankin' me
Her favorite one is shankin' me ♪

♪ And silly Donna Cooper
stuck a mopstick up my pooper ♪

♪ Thank god for my buried dingus ♪

♪ It's like 4-H camp, plus cunnilingus! ♪

♪ I'm so thankful that I got a century ♪

♪ With my besties
in this women's penitentiary ♪

Y'all a bunch of stinkers.

Mmm, love the song.

Now, can you hum it
directly into the phone?

Ugh! No way, Gina!

Oh, God!



Well, that'll get me to lunch.

You're innocent, you shouldn't be in here.

This is all that twatwaffle Kevin's fault.

I need you, and I am busting you out.

You've failed to bust me out of here
every day,

and your schemes are becoming
more and more Wile E. Coyote-like.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Dusty.

Welcome to Paradise.

Once the angry, puckered asshole
of planet Earth,

it has been transformed
into the jewel of America's Heartland.

Visit the Paradise Zoo
without fear of being raped by a gorilla.

Or zookeeper Dave.

Afraid of hillbillies? Don't worry.

Even the worst citizens
are now contributing members of society.

- We used to be violent crackheads.
- Now we're scientists,

thanks to these lab coats
we found in the dumpster.

Then we combined our DNA
by jacking off into this test tube.

It made a new best friend.

Meet Dobby!

Dobby!

Dobby's hobbies include
biting the heads off small animals

and eating pubic hair out the sink drain.

Okay!

But the best reason
to visit Paradise,

to meet our famous hero cop,
Kevin Crawford...

Ah, it never gets old.

...who took down
the most dangerous criminal mastermind

of all time,

Dusty Marlowe, the Argyle Meth Kingpin!

See exactly how it happened
in this recreation

we got animated in Japan to save money.

I'm so evil,

my next step is to destroy Disneyland,
Jesus and Nascar!

Not if I stop you.

Stop this!

- Huh?
- My turn.

Ah!

Ka me ha me ha!

And that's how Kevin
became famous.

Meet him in person
when you visit Paradise,

America's non-angry,
non-puckered-asshole-like jewel.

As you can see,

thanks to my hero son,

tourism is up,
the town is flushed with cash...

...and my re-election is in the bag.

Now, the man you're here to see,

Kevin Crawford!

I hereby award my hero son
the medal of bravery

for appearing on The View
during Period Week.

But I'm taking him out next.

Me! The Kingpin!

You got room
for a Kevin and Fitz BFF medal?

Of course I do, buddy.

Gerald Fitzgerald
is another Paradise success story.

He started his own business
and became the richest person in Paradise!

Sorry, former richest person Camaro Bob.

Well, I still got
the most stone-washed jeans, baby.

And Gerald did it
by opening a chain of Dippin' Dots stands.

Served to you by hobos
to keep my overhead low.

One Crazy Cookie Dough with sprinkles.

Goodbye, Sprinkles. I'll miss you.

Don't worry, he lived in my ass.

We've both come so far, Fitz.

For the first time in my life,
my parents actually like me.

But out of all my medals,
yours means the most to me.

Even more than my medal
for loudest masturbator.

I love you like a brother.

I hate that motherfucker!

Me too, boss. Let's kill him.

We can't kill him, Thester.

The idiot has spiked tourism

which is making me a fortune
in Dippin' Dots sales.

God, Thester! You're so bloody stupid!

Just say the word, boss!

If you're going to be my number two,

you got to stop offering to kill yourself
every time you make a mistake.

Right. So, what's your evil scheme
behind these Dippin' Dots?

Listen, idiot.

We're making more money now
than we did with argyle meth.

As long as everyone thinks
Dusty's the Kingpin,

we're in the clear.

And the only person in town
who knows that Dusty is innocent is Dusty.

Hmm.

I should pay him a little visit.

Or I could poison him!

Oh! We'll frame Bret Michaels
of the band Poison!

Oh, imagine that headline, eh?

"Irrelevant Rocker
Referenced In Netflix Show."

Kevin!

"To Billy,
I hope your snake AIDS clears up.

Love, Kevin Crawford."

I really gotta get new publicity photos.

What can I get you, son? Hero back rub?

Hero sandwich?

Hero hand release?

Uh, once was enough.

All right, good.
More time for you to sign autographs.

Gotta keep your fans happy.

Their tourism dollars
fund all this new, futuristic equipment.

Hello. I am Cop Bot.

My protocols are to serve and protect,

and eat donuts.

Ha ha. I stole that joke
from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

Better arrest me.

I also stole that joke
from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

We can even predict the future now

and solve crimes before they happen.

I hired Dr. Funtlichter
to turn the evidence room

into a pre-cog chamber.

I just look at it as an excuse
to kidnap runaways,

shave their heads
and keep them in a kiddie pool.

Everyone needs a hobby.

I used to have a hobby. Illegal drugs.

Now this town
is like Jeff Dunham's stand-up act:

too clean, and still kinda racist.

Bullet, you should try legal drugs
like Adderall.

The schoolkids say it makes them smarter
and gets them crunk AF.

Remember, kids,
it works faster if you snort it.

- Hmm.
- There you are, hog shit hero!

God, I feel sorry for you!
I'll bet it's horrible living a lie!

I don't know, John Travolta seems happy.

Oh, you know what I mean!

Dusty is innocent, and you are no hero!

Uh, then why do I have
my own Funko Pop, huh?

Oh, because they do those for everybody!

Yeah, even my proctologist has one!

You should've seen the look on his face

when he had to pull himself out of me.

We both know you saw the tape proving
Dusty's innocent, but you won't admit it

because you're afraid
to disappoint your parents.

Fucking pussy.

All right, Gina. Calm down.

Hey, check out our new toy!

I call it the shit stick.

Jesus, that's a lot of Funko Pops.

Look who finally decided to come visit.

Is it just me
or does this glass smell like ass?

Yeah, Gina just left.

Dusty, I just wanted to stop by

and make sure you aren't getting
any crazy ideas in your head.

No, I still don't think Brooklyn Nine-Nine
is funny,

but I was thinking that
all that argyle meth mess

started right after you moved to town.
Ain't that weird?

Yeah, "weird."

Also, I requested some evidence

on the Terry Two Toes murder

and did you know
they found a hair in his cell?

Fitz, this looks just like your hair.

Now I wonder,
if I requested a DNA test...

Fitz?

Yeah, he's right.

Just a silly old dead end.

- Hey, Gina.
- Not now, Fitz. I'm busy.

Mayor Karen...

...you are looking hot
in that same burgundy dress

you wear every day
like Fred Flintstone.

Just don't forget I have a fiance.

One of these days, I'm going to make time
to plan the perfect wedding.

You know, our first wedding...

Yeah, I don't give a shit.

What if I told you
I've got the perfect political stunt

to guarantee your re-election?

...whisper...

What the hell are you doing here?

I wanted to say that I'm sorry.

Not now.

I have got two tons of fun
to bust out of prison with these.

Look, I sometimes wonder
if Dusty is innocent, too,

but it's not like I'm experiencing
odd physical symptoms of guilt that I...

Well... That's new.

My point is,
Dusty was convicted in a court of law

and Dad says
he'll be perfectly fine in prison.

Dusty will not be perfectly fine
in prison.

We join the mayor of Paradise
with more on this breaking news.

In an effort to maintain public safety,

and my stellar poll numbers,

I will be personally executing
Dusty Marlowe,

AKA the Kingpin, in the electric chair.

- ...whispers...
- That fat? You measured?

Correction. I will be personally executing
Dusty Marlowe

in the electric couch.

Karen, I've been meaning to ask,
you're not getting cold feet, are you?

If you want a foot job,
just ask for a foot job.

No, I'm talking about the wedding.

Oh, wait, can I have a foot job?

No, and of course I don't have cold feet.

It's just, with everything going on,
I haven't had time to plan it.

How about I plan it for you?

First, you'll tickle the shaft
with your toe,

and I'll also plan the wedding.

Really?

Are you sure you can handle that?

Well, it's a dick and two feet.
It's not rocket science.

Oh, the wedding. Yeah. Consider it done.

Mom! I can't believe
you're gonna execute Dusty!

I'm not even sure he's guilty!

How could you say that, Kevin?

Our lives are perfect now
because you busted the Kingpin!

Yeah! Do you want Daddy

to lose his fucking helicopter
that he drives to work?

If Dusty wasn't guilty,
the entire town would fall apart!

We finally got a Sonic!

Do you want to go back to a life
without Frito Burritos?

Can't we just put our own Fritos
in the burritos?

Oh, well, why don't we all just
give ourselves foot jobs, too?

You want dislocated hips
and jizz up your nose, Kevin?

Anyway, I gotta go to work.

I wonder what happens
when you set it to "Dirty Cop."

Morning, every...

Show me how you suck that dick.

Ohhh, man,

I've been waiting years
for a robot to ask me that.

Usually with my Roomba,
I have to make the first move.

Dusty, I don't know if you've heard,
but the mayor is planning to...

I know! She's gonna "extra-cute" me.

Oh, my god! I always wanted a makeover!

I bet my cellmate,
Missus Two Toes, set it up.

Whoa, wait a minute.
Your cellmate is Terry Two Toes' mom?

Dusty, she's probably planning
to kill you!

Gina, it sounds like you're jealous
of all my new friends in here.

Huh?

Okay, real funny, girls. Real funny.

Damn it! I've got to get him out.

We've got to get him out.

I let myself be pushed into all this

because I was so afraid
of disappointing my parents,

but I'm not letting Dusty die.

We have to clear his name
before the execution.

In the meantime, someone has to infiltrate
the prison to keep him safe.

I'll do it!

I've always dreamed of being an inmate
in a women's prison. Whee!

Wait a minute.
You have creepy hidden camera footage

that would clear Dusty
of Terry Two Toes' murder!

Let's just show everyone the tape.

You don't think I thought of that?
There's a problem.

Someone broke in and destroyed everything.

This stuff cost me an arm and a leg, too.

I guess the footage is gone for good.

Hold on.

Overpriced... pretentious...

Is this an Apple product?

Yeah, it's called the iPerv.

That's great.

All Apple products
come with automatic backup to the cloud.

We've got to get to the cloud

and clear Dusty's name.

Looks like Kevin's snooping around again.

Somebody's going to have
to teach him a lesson.

That's your evil laugh?

Goddamnit, Thester,
your laugh sounds like shite,

you unprofessional bastard!

Just say the word, boss!

Ms. Two Toes, I know it's 2 a.m.

but someone brought
this non-suspicious party sub for you.

It's time to die, Dusty,

as soon as I whittle this toothbrush
into a shank.

You murdered my son

and nothing is going to stop me
from killing y...

Ms. Two Toes? Are you okay?

- Your new cellmate's here.
- That was quick.

Hopson, what are you doing here?

Shush!

I'm Hopseletta.

I'm here to teach you
how to survive in a woman's prison.

Step one, suck off a guard

and make him fall in love with you.

Uh...

I'd rather not.

Doesn't matter.
I already ticked that box.

Several times.

Okay, Crawford.
Time to plan the perfect wedding.

Shit, I got nothing.

Think, you stupid brain! Think!

Did somebody say "think?"
I'm thinking like a motherfucker.

I'm seeing equations. I have no idea
what they mean, but I see 'em!

There they are. Can you see 'em?

You do look smarter. What's the secret?

Adderall, and I only took one.

Bottle.

Up each nostril.

Gimme those!

I feel myself

getting smarter.

Aaahhhh! I'm gonna come!

Boom!

I just planned the best fucking wedding
of all time in only 97 seconds.

We got to get to the bridal shop.
To the chopper!

Where the hell is my chopper?

Looks like I'm going
to have to get my hands dirty.

- Where's the disguise I asked for?
- Right here, KP.

That looks just like me.

You asked for something intimidating

and you're the most intimidating guy
I know.

I mean, it's a nice mask, but...

Uh, don't threaten to kill yourself,

but an exact replica of my face
kind of defeats the purpose.

Thester, you purpose-defeating idiot!

Say the word. I'll build a time machine

and go back and kill my pregnant mum.

Or better yet, I'll go back even further

and suck myself
right out of my old man's tallywhacker!

Yeah...

That won't be necessary.

Just get me a new disguise.

Something really intimidating,
like a serial killer would wear.

Got it! Intimidating... cereal...

Boss is gonna love this!

Hi there, I'm...

Steve Jobs? I thought you were dead.

Don't be silly.
I was backed up to the cloud.

- You're a backup?
- Yeah, but don't worry.

I'm every bit the same rotten asshole
in a turtleneck everyone loves.

They call me
a Replicated Intelligence Machine,

or "RIM."

So, you're RIM Jobs.

Listen, you little prick.

I will fuck you harder
than I fucked Steve Wozniak.

I don't think I like RIM Jobs.

I guess you've never had one done right.

Anyway, welcome to the cloud.

Here, we back up
over ten sextillion terabytes

of important pictures and videos,

like this blurry concert
from way too far away,

and this picture of a wall,

and this one that's completely black.

Who cares? Just point me in the direction
of my hidden camera fatty-footage.

Ah, the iPerv.

We keep those drives in the Apple Vault

along with your more sensitive
personal information

protected with our highest level
of security.

A mobile home screen door.

Cap'n Crunch?

Kevin! Punch him!

I can't punch Cap'n Crunch!
He's a war hero!

Kevin, it's not Cap'n Crunch.

It's the general
from the car insurance commercials.

Fuck you! Die, motherfucker!

Kevin, no! Not the shit stick!

Agh! Damn it!

Yeah, that's right.

I want to hire
all the original Oompa Loompas

to be flower girls at my wedding.
Hold, please.

I don't care how much it costs
to bring back the KFC Double Down!

The chicken is the fucking bread,
and I need this reception to be perfect!

Hold on. Are you serious?
We got him? Yes!

I just landed the High Pitch Erik
from The Howard Stern Show to officiate!

Karen is going to be so excited!

Bullet, how much do we have left
in the budget to book the venue?

Negative $2,000.

Crap! How did I blow the entire budget?

Probably by hiring Ric Flair
to be your best man.

Wooo.

Shit! I haven't even paid for a venue yet.

Bullet, you think it's possible
that the Adderall

didn't actually make us smarter?

It just got us crunk AF

and we've been making stupid,
shitty decisions?

Like what?

I don't even know what that's for.

Making love to prison guards
only gets you so far.

You gotta establish yourself
as the alpha dog.

Pick the biggest inmate in here

and bash their face in
with this lunch tray.

'Scuse me, Glenda. How much you weigh?

- Three-nintely-five.
- Oh, dang it!

Another good way to stay safe in prison

is to join a gang.

Say no more. I got this.

Hey, girls!

I am so excited

to be in y'all's Neo-Yahtzee club.

Nothing I love more
than party games and Keanu Reeves.

I need the address of whoever rented
a Cap'n Crunch mascot suit yesterday.

All 298 of them?

Two hundred ninety-eight people
rented Cap'n Crunch mascot suits?

Oh, yeah. There's a "Crunchy" convention
in town again.

They all get dressed up like that
and screw till they're soggy.

I tell you, that ruins breakfast for you.

Crap! How are we going to find
the evil one who attacked us?

It's sweet old Ms. Geraldean!

Who put you in this suit?

A black guy did it.

Gina, that's a huge clue!

Don't get too excited.

Ms. Geraldean, who blew up the Challenger?

A black guy did it.

Aw, man. Another dead end.

Oh, not necessarily.

We have an address.

Here we are. This is the place.

We make a pretty good team, right?

You're the brains, and I...

Haven't peed yourself yet.

Classic partnership.

Oh, there's my hard drive!

I peed.

Oh, boss, I want to join in.

I've been working on a new,
non-weird, evil laugh.

Caw-caw-caw caw-caw-caw!

Ca-a-aw!

That's fucking great.

I just took a shitload of Adderall,
so don't fuck with me on this, okay?

I found an awesome
free venue for the wedding!

Kind of a double-booking type deal.

I don't want to ruin the surprise,
but let's say sparks are gonna fly!

Okay, which side?
The groom, the bride,

or the soon-to-be-fried?

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today
for this wedding/execution.

Ooh, I love weddings!

I can't believe y'all made me

the guest of honor!

And you get to wear this cool crown.

Ooh! Just like Burger King!

And there's burnt hair in it.

Just like at Burger King!

Randall, this isn't the dream wedding
I imagined.

It's even better!

Karen, you are the most beautiful
bride/executioner ever.

You may kiss the bride

as the bride flips the switch.

I now pronounce you husband and...

I object!

Oh, he's the... He's the DJ.
Well, now that makes sense.

Dusty is innocent and we have proof,

even though we got blown up to get it.

I'm only alive
because Gina dove on top of me

and saved my life.

She's the town's real hero.

And somehow, I don't have a scratch on me.

Here's the video
proving Dusty's innocence.

- Kevin, don't do it!
- Don't you want us to like you?

I'm sorry, Mom and Dad,

hate me if you want,
but everyone needs to see this.

Is that a toilet cam?

Ooh,
them Frito Burritos is coming out angry!

Oh, Lord, I'm glad I'm alone for this.

Oh, fuck, yeah.

Uh...

Wrong video.

Here is the video
proving Dusty's innocence.

At the exact time
of Terry Two Toes' murder,

Dusty was in his apartment
getting a tongue bath from those cats.

Hey, Robbie, I just figured out
how to genetically modify potatoes.

World hunger will be a thing of the past.

Never mind that shit.

These cops framed an innocent man.

That makes me want to smoke crack
and break shit.

Jailbreak! Whee!

With riots in the streets
and tourists fleeing,

looks like Paradise
is reclaiming the title

of angry, puckered asshole of the Earth.

James Woods will just have to settle
for second place.

This is a disaster!

You suck, Kevin!

Well, Dusty, I guess we should
get you out of that thing.

Who dropped a banana peel?

Whoa...

Oh! Stop tickling me!

Ooh, something smells like
all-beef hot dogs

cooking in the microwave!

Dippin' Dots sales are down 99%

since tourism has dried up,

but the good news is the town has
gone back to a crime-ridden dump

so your real estate holdings
have plummeted.

I was stupid to think
that the Kingpin could go legit.

I should stick to what I'm good at,
argyle meth and murder.

I was hoping you'd feel that way.

That's why I've got a surprise
for you, boss.

I've assembled
the most nefarious band of villains

Paradise has ever seen!

Frank Flipper-Fist!

And son.

Pedro Pooptooth!

Edna Dorsal-Digits!

Puffy the Cigarette!

Pat Robertson!

How is he evil?

The gays planned 9/11.

Oh. Okay.

I call them the "Legion of Dooooom,"

spelled with five Os to avoid lawsuits.

Good work, Thester.

The Paradise PD doesn't stand a chance
against us,

especially when I get my old job back.

Oh! I almost forgot!

Last, but not least,

Harvey Weinstein!

What's up, fellas?

Harvey Weinstein? Really?

I figured you wanted
the worst of the worst.

I do,
but even we gotta draw the line somewhere.

Hey, ficus tree,
you wanna be in the movies?

♪ I love it in this women's penitentiary ♪

♪ Lucky I got sentenced to a century ♪

♪ It's like a slumber party
that never ends ♪

♪ You call 'em soulless, violent felons
I call 'em best friends ♪

♪ I call 'em best friends ♪

♪ My cellmate's always prankin' me
Her favorite one is shankin' me ♪

♪ And silly Donna Cooper
Stuck a mopstick up my pooper ♪

♪ Thank god for my buried dingus ♪

♪ It's like 4-H camp, plus cunnilingus! ♪

♪ I'm so thankful that I got a century ♪

♪ With my besties
In this women's penitentiary ♪