Paradise PD (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Police Academy - full transcript

Listen up! We have serious business
to deal with.

We are gonna prank Hopson.
When he gets here,

we all pretend we can't see him
or hear him because he's dead.

Ha! That'll teach him for being old.

Ha ha!

Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh!

Good morning.

So who else woke up screaming
from their sciatica pain?


Hello! Hey!
I said, "Good morning."

Boy, I sure am sad that Hopson died
in his sleep last night.

- Mm-hmm.
- Me too.

Poor Hopson.

What? I'm not dead. I'm right here.

I'm... right... here!

What's wrong with all of you?

Oh, my God, I am dead. I'm a ghost!

No one can see me.

Well, no need for this polyester prison.

- Boo, boogedy boogedy!
- Yuck.

Suck my ghost fart, you bald asshole.

Yeah, everything's normal here.

Ugh, so normal I can taste it!

I'm going to like being a ghost.



No, Miss Whiskers.

I... I can't make love to you.
You're a cat, it's wrong.

Who, in the name of Saint Mark Fuhrman,
broke in and did all this?

Actually, there's no sign of a break-in.
Whoever it was, had access to the station,

except for the evidence room,
where they stole all the argyle meth.

Well, I didn't do it.
No, I'm totally clean and sober right now.

Except for alcohol,
and a little bit of pot.

And I accidentally did some blow
last night,

because it was on this cat's asshole
that I was sniffing.

- We're just friends.
- Ugh!

Call me, baby.

Unrelated question,
can a dog get Feline AIDS?

I demand a special task force

that will get argyle meth off the streets
of Paradise, once and for all!

You "demand"?

Kevin, son, have you ever wondered
why every time you come to me

with some "huge break in the argyle meth
case", I change the subject?

That's a lot of patches.

Let me explain why, gently.

Because you're not
an actual cop!

You're here
because your mommy insisted on it!

You never even went to the goddamn
Police Academy, you imbecile!

I'm sorry I'm so emotional, Kevin.

I'm... It's just that I'm all crampy
and my breasts are super tender.

And Hulu canceled The Mindy Project!

Why would they do that?

Uh, Dad, these are Mom's estrogen patches.

What? Stupid fucking Walgreens
got our prescriptions mixed up!

This uniform makes me look like
a fat, bloated whale.

Oh, great!
Now I'm thinking about Mindy again.

Hey, Randall. Let's get some wings,
fuck, and watch the Steelers. Yeah!

Can't we just talk... for once?

What did I say?

What did I say?

I can't believe this whole time
I haven't been an actual cop.

I am going to complete police training
with or without my dad's support.

I'm glad these people can't see me.
I never liked any of them.

That's why I pissed
in the coffee pot every morning.

And dunked my nuts in the water cooler.

Are you here
for the Discount Police Academy,

or to watch us have sex with your wife?

Entrepreneurs like us have to have
diverse business interests.

Uh, Police Academy?

Well, I guess I got chubbed up
for nothing.

Were you referred by a friend,
or see our ad in The Pennysaver?

I googled
"cheapest possible police academy."

Oh, and I saw your celebrity endorsement
from Steven Seagal.

Yeah, he asked us to fuck the shit
out of his wife.


Taking down a perp.

You see that fat pig
that looks like Steven Seagal?

- You've got to catch him.
- On it!

- Okay.
- Now you gotta cuff him.

Uh... Eh...

Now snap his neck, gut him,

cook him in a pit covered with
banana leaves for 16 hours,

put on a grass skirt and dance around
all sexy for us while we eat.

As a police officer, you have to learn
how to frisk a suspect.

Now Delbert here has
a loaded weapon on him.

No, don't check his ankle, check
his crotch. That's where they hide 'em.

Not like that. Really get in there.
Dig in, rub around.

Is there anything hard in there?

- Now there is.
- Well, pull it out, man.

- It's stuck.
- Keep yanking on it.

Yeah, don't stop.

Boo, boogedy boogedy!

Well, hey and good day to you, Stanley.
You making fun of Fitz's ancestors again?

You can see me, even though I'm a ghost?

Wait, are you a medium?

No, I'm a 32 XXXXXXXL
but ain't you the sweetest!

Dusty, I died last night.

You're the only one
who can communicate with me.

Ooh, it's just like
that show Ghost Whisperer.

J. Love Hewitt,
she says that spirits could not rest

if they had unresolved business
on the earth.

You've got to help me.

All right, you just make a list
of anything you wanted to accomplish

while you was alive, but didn't get to.

And then we'll go down the list
until you go up to heaven.

If a person was aboard the Titanic,

pushed Rose overboard and pretended
to be her to get on a lifeboat,

would they still get into heaven?

You didn't do that, did you?

Don't be afraid to make my tits look big.

Pyoo-pyoo, ow!

- See that kid?
- Oh, is he a grandchild you never spoke to

while you was alive and you want me
to tell him you love him?

Hell, no!
He's my neighbor's annoying brat.

Every day laughing and playing.

I always wanted to whup his little ass.

Okay, I'll whip his little ass for you.

That's the Christian thing to do.

I'm sorry, kiddo, but I got to do this
to get my friend into heaven.

Hey! Why the hell are you spanking my kid?

Uh, I've got a ghost friend.

That better be sexual.
Because nobody disciplines my son but me!

What are you talking about?

Looks like you need to learn a lesson.

Now this is discipline.

And this is sexual.


Patty May, you wanted to see me?

Kevin! Why the hell are you here?

It's pretty serious, hon.
Kevin showed up trying to certify

a Police Academy diploma
that was on toilet paper.

If he's gonna keep working for Paradise PD
which I know the mayor wants,

y'all are going to have to pay for him
to go through real training, hon.

Okay, you are way overdoing "hon."

And, Kevin, you moron, the closest academy
is in snooty Diamond City.

I could barely afford it
when I went through.

Speaking of, when I looked up Crawford
in our files

I saw you're missing a credit.

So you're going to have to
enroll again too.

If you don't pass,
you're off the force, hon.

Yeah, I'm sticking with "hon." Fuck you.

- Are you seriously telling me...
- That's right, Dad.

You and me are going to Police Academy!


Oh goddammit, Kevin. Stop taking notes.

I keep telling you
these movies are not documentaries.

Oh, I really wanted to
dance with those tough bikers.

Randall, I never cease to be astounded by
the profound depths of your dipshittery.

Yes, I was short a credit.

You have no idea how hard my job is.

Please, a dog could do your job.

In fact, I'll prove it.

Bullet, you're replacing Chief Nonuts
while he's at the Academy.

Great! You got it, Mayor!
Just call me Mr. Responsible.

Oh, Bullet, I'm pregnant.

You know, I'll be right back.
I gotta throw this off the bridge.

Attention. I'm Chief Hancock
of the Diamond City PD.

But here you may call me Dean Hancock,
or Sir, or the guy who married your mother

and went ass to ass with her last night.

If you're this fat bastard right here.

Yeah, yeah. Let's just get
this stupid training over with

so I can go back to serving
and protecting my city.

If you pass, I'd say Kevin has
a much better chance than you do.

Dad, I was right! This will be like
the Police Academy movies.

Weow-ooh, jih-jih-jih-jih, eow, wah-wah!

Oh, it's just a schizophrenic bum.

Actually, that is Michael Winslow.

This is so exciting!
Me and my dad, roomies.

And guess what I brought? UNO!

Listen, Kevin. My job is on the line here.
Can we just focus on getting through this?

But you heard Dean Hancock.
He thinks I've got a real chance.

He said that to piss me off.
Just don't get your hopes too high.

You may not even make it through day one.

Now I need to get some sleep.

Let me turn on my black noise machine.

- You mean white noise machine?
- No, black noise machine.

Michael Winslow needed the work.

Cooooh, whish!

Honk-honk! Chicca-chicca-chicca! Woo-ooh!

Remember, front sight
just below the bull's-eye area.

I'm impressed, Kevin.

Oh, thanks, sir.

My feet are extremely swollen.

I had baby back ribs for breakfast.

Crawford! Get your fat ass over that wall,
you hungry blowup fish!

You look like Baymax with titties,
you Big Hero 6 looking asshole!


Ugh, uh-uh!

Ooh! Uh!


Bull's-eye! Up yours, Hancock.

You're lucky there's no law
against shooting albinos.

I mean, the mayor puts Bullet in charge
just to make the chief look bad?

- Why not one of us?
- Yeah, if I wanted to take commands

from a coked-up asshole with ball breath,
I'd still be Tim Allen's bodyguard.

All right, listen up.
It's time to clean up the streets.

Fitz, you take these spots
in the North side.

Arrest anything that moves.

Gina, you see this warehouse
near Chinatown?

Treat the perps like moo-shu pork.

Chew 'em up
and then shit 'em out violently.

Wow, that was actually kind of badass.

Yeah. Maybe he will be better to work for
than that ball breath asshole Tim Allen.

We joke about Tim Allen, kids,

but he really did serve two years
and four months

in prison for selling cocaine.

You think a man does that kind of time
without sucking a ball or two? Mm-hmm!

Think about it.

Ha ha. Yeah.

Ha ha!
Hey, what are we all laughing about?

You can't sit here, Randall.

This is the cool kids table,

exclusively for recruits competing in
this year's Coptathalon.

Oh, I'm great at that!
I always finish first. Ha!

No, wait. I'm thinking of wookie cookie.

Ah, no, Dad.
Coptathalon is like the police Olympics.

We are talking about forming our own team.

And the Coptathalon champion is recruited

to become an officer
of the Diamond City PD.

Which reminds me, son...

- What's your uniform size?
- A boy's large.

Hey, Dad, there's plenty of seats
with those guys. They look pretty cool.

Who the hell are you supposed to be?

I'm a failed prop comic
who wants to be a cop.

So I guess you can call me Prop Cop.
Nice to meet you.

Oh, talk about the long arm of the law!

Wow, new record.
Two seconds and I hate you already.

What do they call you? Handicop?

Shut your cock-chugging mouth.

There are two things I don't like.

Puerto Ricans and your shitty mustache

that looks like two cat turds fucking
like Puerto Ricans.

And yes, they call me Handicop.

At least this guy seems pretty cool.

Well, looks like God really shit the bed
on this one.

Ha ha! Well, at least when you're cops
you can be your own partner.

I don't want to be a cop.
I, sir, am a dancer.

Would you let me chase my dream for once?

I spent three years letting you dance
backup for Ariana Grande!

And, Dusty, this is Esmirelda.
She was my soul mate.

I was sent to war
before we could consummate our love.

Oh, that must be why your spirit
is trapped on earth!

Seduce her for me, Dusty.

I need you to get in there
and fuck her good,

so you can send my eternal soul
to heaven.

Oh, boy. She's got whiskers
like a catfish.

Oh, I never thought my first time
would be like this.

Hi... Hi, sexy,
you wanna get freaky with me?

Oh, Orson Welles!
You finally got my erotic fan mail.

Well, my rosebud is ready.
Come and get it!

- So how did it go, big boy?
- Great, but I could not find my ding-dong.

Then I accidentally crushed her.

She's a ghost now, too.

Get up against the wall
and spread those cheeks, ladies!

We can't have you sneaking in
any contraband.

I'm only counting three bishops.

So these are the perps Bullet sent me
to bust: massage parlor workers.

That horny mutt is just
making us fetch hookers

for him to bury his bone in.

Bullet, your plan to target
the Paradise sex trade is brilliant!

The degenerates who pay these women
are fleeing town.

Keep up the great work.

Well, you two have
a lot of paperwork to do.

Me, I'll be personally checking each and
every one of these poor women for crabs.

Ha ha, woof! Man, you've got
the whole of Spencer's Gifts up there?

Signs point to yes.

Please tell me there's a book
you never read, but you wanted to,

and all I gotta do is read that book.

No, Mike Tyson is in there,
signing copies of his autobiography.

I always had a dream of looking him right
in the face and calling him the n-word.

Cheese and taters, Hopson!

Please, Dusty. My eternal soul is in the...

Yeah, yeah. Spare me!
I just want to get this over with.

Excuse me, Mr. Tyson?


Hopson, he really doesn't like
being called a nincompoop.

Kevin! Know what my favorite number is
in Spanish?


Hey, what do you say
we play a hand of UNO or puto?

Puto is "two" in Spanish, right?

No, "cunt."

You could've just said, "No, thanks."

I'd love to, Dad,
but I've got plans with the guys. Later!

Yeah, later! Much later.
'Cause I've got friends, too, you know?

You like me, don't you, Michael Winslow?

Can I be honest with you guys?

I'm afraid Hancock's gonna steal my son
from me.

Maybe I deserve it.

I don't know why I'm so hard on Kevin.
All he wants to do is be a cop, like me.

When I make cop, I'll be ready
for the Puerto Rican race war.

Ooh, you sound like a Nazi.

Ha ha, ha ha.

Here's your white hood.

Ha ha, ha ha.

Someone stick a switchblade in my mouth
and I'll end him.

Dad, what are you doing here?

What does it look like?
We're drowning in snatchola. Ha!

Have you seen my cool friends?

Ha ha! Come on, Crawford, let's celebrate.

Kevin's team is sure to win
tomorrow's Coptathalon,

which means he's certain to become
a Diamond City cop.

No other team has even signed up.

Oh, yeah? Well, they have now!

Me and my badass friends,
AKA the Pussy Posse,

are entering Coptathalon,
and taking you down.

Bring it on, old man.

Whoa! Shit just got real.
Get it? It's real shit.

Boy, I pulled this joke out of my ass.

What? Does this bit stink?

Too corny? Ho ho!

Ah, Gina! Thank God you're here.

Can you get me another bottle
of champagne?

One of the girls did something
real kinky with this one,

which at first I was like, "Awesome!"

But then I was like,
"I'm not gonna drink out of that now."

Bullet, what the fuck! You turned
the entire station into a strip club?

Okay, just calm down, all right?
It's rehabilitative therapy.

By reenacting their trauma in
safe surroundings, it speeds the recovery

of these poor, victimized,
fully shaved, slutty women.

I'm going straight to Mayor Karen
in the morning

to shut this whore palace down.

- Isn't that right, Fitzgerald?
- Uh, yeah, this place is terrible.

Oh, I hate this so much, Gina!


Yeah. Uh...

Right now...

Up... and down.

Oh, come on guys. This is pathetic.

Coptathalon is tomorrow!

Dad, are you seriously going through
with this?

You're standing in the way of my chance
to become a real cop!

You're gonna lose.

He's right. We have no chance.

I hate Puerto Ricans.

You are the most oddly Puerto Rican
specific racist cop I've ever met.

Let me tell you something.
You may be worthless.

You may be freaks of nature.

You may be the best argument for abortion
I've ever seen.

You may be idiotic,
foul-smelling mongoloids.


But what? That's all I wanted to say.

Well, I'm still trapped on earth.

- Maybe if...
- Enough!

I did everything you asked and all I got
was a busted lip,

and Mike Tyson's autobiography
up my pooper!

- Are you even listening to me?
- I see the light.

I'm going toward it.


Golly! Hopson sure had a lot of blood
and intestines inside him for a ghost.

All right, men. I want a fair contest.
As long as Kevin wins.

Let Coptathalon begin!

Oh, thank God. I thought it was
a real person for a second.

I'm gonna blow his brains out.
Don't you come any closer.

Look, if you don't release that hostage,
you'll end up in prison,

sucking balls, like Tim Allen!


Great hostage negotiation, Kevin.

Crawford, your team's up next.

All right, let the hostage go...

wooden shoe?

I'm gonna blow his brains out!
Don't come any closer.

Ma'am, nothing to be nervous about.
You've simply got a tail light out.

Kevin, I'm proud.

That's how we all aspire to handle
these interactions. 50 points!

Who's up next?

Ma'am, you've got two choices:
pay me, or blow me.

And that's how we actually handle
these interactions.

Also 50 points.

Why didn't you take the one
with the sidecar?

Come on, run!

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

Gentlemen, it all comes down to this.
A pepper spray showdown.

You'll each take a blast to the eyes,
then beat each other with night sticks.

The last man standing
is the Coptathalon champion.

Sergeant, pepper!

Oh... Ah!

The world is on fire!

Ants are swarming my brain!

Oh, I'm emptying my bowels.

Oh, thank God! An eyewash station.

Ow! Why would they do that?


I'm going to get you, Kevin!

- Argh!
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

The Coptathalon champion
and the next Diamond City cop is...

Kevin Crawford!

She chose to blow me.

- Uh, you know she was Puerto Rican, right?
- Negative.

Puerto Ricans have red hair
and play bagpipes.

Those are Scottish people.

Shit, I've been hating the wrong race.

- Jesus Christ! Howdy, Jew boy.
- Shalom.

I was just going over the list of things
God put you on earth to accomplish.

Whip a child's ass, check.

Talk a 92-year-old woman into sex,
close enough.

Call Mike Tyson the n-word. Great job.

Hmm, hot cock! I'm going to heaven.

Ooh, wait. You missed one.

Take a shit down a waterslide.

I don't have any record
of you doing that.

Sorry, dude.

Dad's pretty strict about these things.
Gotta send you back.

Hey, no, wait! Argh, oh!

Oh, God! I'm buried alive.

Help! Someone help!

I'm alive, shithead.
Get me out of this coffin!

Come on! Come on, fat ass!

Emoji surprised face.

Is my face red?

Anyhooch, I'm real tired and hungry
from burying you,

so I'm gonna walk on over to Arby's
# wegotthemeats,

and I'll come right back and dig you up.


Arby's is running its 5 for 5 special,

then I may overdo it
and get the meat spins

and by meat spins, I mean bloody diarrhea.
# foodiey'all

You fat son of a bitch! Don't you know
I only have three more minutes of air?

One more minute of air!

Listen, Mayor, I got a few things to say

about that four-legged poon-hound
you put in charge.

Language, Gina!

I was just turning over the donations
that the men of Paradise made

to my sex worker rehabilitation program.

Bullet, this has been a huge windfall
for the city.

We can finally afford unleaded water,

or pay someone to chase the wolves
out of the library.

Great work, officers!

So this is it, huh? The police station is
a sleazy strip club from now on?

No, I'm done. Not worth it.
You know the girls I checked for crabs?

Yeah, they had 'em.

Looking for your father?

I know we've been at odds, but I really
thought he'd be here for me.

You know, son, your dad's a big bag
of dicks. But I'm here for you, kid.

- That's all that matters.
- Thanks, Chief.

- Hold it!
- Dad? Are you all right?

All right? Do I look all right?

I broke out of that hospital
to tell you something, Kevin.

After seeing you perform at the academy,

I realized you could be a good cop
and I'm proud of you.

That's all I wanted to hear.

Come on, Dad.

Let's get back to our police department,
the Paradise PD.

What the hell! You're leaving?

That's right. And by the way,
you've been mean to my dad for years.

So I decided to get revenge.

I found a pretty weird video
on your laptop.

Kevin, if this is going
where I think it is, I love you.

Now to humiliate Hancock by showing
this crowd the filthy, disgusting sex tape

he made with his wife.

Yeah, ha ha!
Wait, what? His wife?

Hey, his wife is my mom!

You're such a dirty old bitch.

Whose dirty old bitch are you?

Wait. Oh!

Oh, we finally got him, Dad!

What? It's not embarrassing for Grandma.
It's embarrassing for Hancock!

It's his fist getting dirty.

I'm proud to announce
that I have received my certificate.

Thanks to the efforts of my mother
and certain awful things

she agreed to do for Chief Hancock,
Kevin and I are back.

And I'd like to thank my dad, who agreed
to let me head up a special task force

to stop argyle meth
from plaguing the streets of Paradise!

Everyone, meet our new officers!

Hand-picked by me. Best cops
in the entire state that work for free.

Hey, sugar tits. Sit on my eyes,
and I'll blink till you love me.

You know who's gonna love this guy?
Hopson. Hey, where is he?

Did anybody else dig up Hopson?

If not, I forgot to. He's still in there.

Hmm, still didn't shit down
that water slide, huh?

Please don't put me back in that box!

- Sorry. Rules are rules.
- No!

Jesus, are you still pranking Hopson
with that fake list?

Hell, yeah.

Oh, I'm such a dick.

Get out of here, Steven Seagal,
we're closed!

- You got a problem, man.
- It's me, Terry Two Toes's mama.

Oh, hey, Mrs. Two Toes.

We thought you were in prison for trying
to chop that cop with a chainsaw.

Yeah, I'm on my way.

But Terry said
if anything ever happens to him,

he wanted you boys to be
in charge of his argyle meth empire.

Here's his old burner phone.
The Kingpin will call you on it soon.

You better watch out, though.
He's a mean sumbitch.

Well, if you need me, I'm gonna be
in the big house getting my bean chomped.


I don't know, Robby,
this Kingpin fellow sounds dangerous.

We better get rid of this burner phone
before it...