Paradise PD (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Ass on the Line - full transcript

Bullet finds fame in an underground dogfighting ring, and Chief Crawford butts heads with his biggest rival on a homicide case.

Welcome to AAA or All Addictions Anonymous,
but we fix your addiction problems not your auto problems. Ha-ha!
What about... [sniffs]
auto-erotic asphyxiation? [sniffs]
You're good, Gary. Please put your pants on.
- Now, who'd like to begin? - My name is Bullet, and...
Go ahead, Bullet. This dirty basement full of shivering junkies and sex freaks
is a safe place.
All right, well, Mr. Sponsor,
honestly, life without drugs...
It's boring and it's unfulfilling.
I mean, last night I watched Ballers.
Fucking Ballers!
Oh, dear God!
I'm at rock bottom.
And I did a mix of crack, bath salts
and 13 liquefied Slim Jims.
Oh, the old hillbilly highball.
Yep, that's the one. It sent me into a rage.
I think I even ripped some poor old woman's face off.
That's horrible. When did this happen?
About a half hour ago. Right, Pam?
Yeah, about a half hour.
Well, I think someone deserves his 30-minute sober chip.
Hey, man, I think I have something
to aid in bringing that excitement back into your life.
That's great! What is it?
Like alternative therapy or hypnosis, holistic medicines?
Nope, a big old bag of meth.
Anyone ever tell you you're a really shitty sponsor?
[Gary muttering]
Hey, Gary. Suicide or jerking off?
- [Gary] I'm jerking off. - You know, I can never tell
if he's coming or going.
Kids, we have a very special treat. An officer from the Paradise PD
is here to teach us about good touch, bad touch.
[door slams open] Hi, kids!
I'm Lustall the Sex Crime Dog!
I'm here to teach you how to keep bad people's paws off your wee-wees,
your vee-gees or your tee-tees.
So never leave home without your Bad Touch stickers.
[all gasp]
And be careful, kids,
♪ Everyone you know is a molester ♪
♪ If they're Caucasian or they're Asian Or they're black ♪
♪ Even sweet old Dr. Becker ♪
♪ Wants to check your little pecker ♪
♪ And Roy the plumber Wants to cop your crack ♪
♪ 'Cause everyone on Earth is a molester ♪
♪ Don't let them touch you Here or here or here ♪
♪ I bet even Mrs. Horne ♪
♪ Has a stash of kiddie porn ♪
♪ You're not safe Unless you live your life in fear ♪
All right, let's go! Kevin, what the hell were you thinking?
I'm tired of arresting you every time you speak to children.
Dad, this wouldn't have happened
if you'd give me a real police assignment.
Maybe you are ready.
You were right about all that kiddie porn
we found on Mrs. Horne's laptop, that dirty bitch.
What the hell do you think you're wearing, Kevin?
A dog suit? Really?
Did you ever stop and think that maybe that's offensive to dogs?
That's like blackface to us!
Didn't you wear blackface to the Halloween party?
Our people can do that, Fitz. I'm 132nd pit bull,
which everyone knows is a black dog.
That's a stereotype.
Wait. Don't you own a pit bull?
Hell, yeah, I own a pit bull.
I got black neighbors. What the fuck you think?
Also, I bought this from my AAA sponsor.
[Bullet] I'm really getting mixed messages at that place.
Argyle meth?
What's that stuff still doing on the street?
That's weird. Terry Two-Toes is dead.
Anyone else think it's also weird
that Terry Two-Toes shot himself in jail with no access to a gun
and the security tape went missing?
Argh! What are you, some kind of conspiracy nut?
Next you'll tell me thatyou're one of those Round-Earthers.
You heard Shaq.
The world is flat.
So's my police horse.
May he rest in peace.
- Gina, dust this for prints. - Yes, sir!
I'll dust the dick off this bag, sir!
There's no fingerprints.
But there is one flipper print.
Flipper print? That means it can only be one of two people.
Frank Flipper-Fist, the drug-dealing, dog-fighting criminal,
or Edna Dorsal-Digits,
the sweet old lady who plays the organ in church.
I can't believe there's only two flipper people in this inbred town.
There used to be a lot more.
Yeah, we had a dolphin at the zoo for a few years
and things got weird.
People fucked the dolphin, if you get my drift.
Listen, Dad, dog fighting is perfect.
I'll take Bullet and we'll go undercover.
Are you crazy? I'm not dog fighting. That sounds dangerous!
Bullet, it's not dangerous.
It's just like professional wrestling.
You're a huge wrestling fan.
Well, that is true.
Even though my heroes' careers usually end in tragedy.
I mean, Macho Man - car accident.
Owen Hart - tragic fall.
The Rock - Ballers.
I mean, seriously, nobody asked for black Entourage. Nobody!
Bullet, I can help you. I trained Joe Louis.
You taught Joe Louis how to box?
No, I trained him.
I was in his whistle hole and my buddy was in his caboose.
I don't think I need your help.
You sure? I can teach you how to take a blow.
[whispers] I think it's time to put him down.
Dad, can we dog fight, please?
Let me show you I can do this.
Okay, fine.
If it'll get you off my empty sack for five minutes,
I'll grab the Flipper-Fist file from my office.
[Dean] What the shit?
It's those Diamond City cops.
Another one of their stupid pranks!
I'm kind of new to Cousin-Fucker County. Fill me in.
They're a bunch of rich sack-slappers from the next town over.
I wanna cock stomp every one of them.
I went to the academy with their chief, guy named Hancock.
We were friends, then he took away a woman that meant a lot to me and married her.
He's been rubbing it in my face
by pulling these bullshit pranks on me ever since.
I don't do pranks, IKEA, or cargo pants.
- That's all white people's shit. - [phone beeps]
[laughs] Shit! Michael Bublé's playing at the Bandshell.
Who wants to see some Bublé?
I have had enough of this crap!
We are gonna take a trip to Diamond City
and we are gonna teach Chief Hancock a lesson!
Uh... should we get Stanley down first?
Hopson, how the hell did you get up there?
I don't know.
Last time I was in a mess this sticky
was when I taught Jack Dempsey how to work the bag.
And he came in my face.
Hancock! I have had it up to here with your goddamn pranks!
What, you're still mad that I was eating your wife
and sucking them titties before you were?
Hello, Randall.
I see you're still upset that I married your mother.
- Well, this shit just got weird. - Hi, Grandpa.
Don't call him that!
Randall, I can assure you
that this department doesn't have time for pranks.
We're too busy doing real police work.
Governor, please continue.
On behalf of the President, it is my honor to present Diamond City Police Department
with this award.
[softly] Of course it was me that glued all your shit to the ceiling.
Also, I never loved your mother.
I've just been racking that grease pit of hers for the past 30 years
to fuck with you.
- Double gotcha! - What?
Hancock, I am gonna kick your ass!
[Dispatcher 1] One-eighty-seven reported. All Diamond City units please respond.
Copy that. We'll have to settle this later, Crawford.
[Dispatcher 2] Chief! Oh, Chief! Chief!
- Come in, Chief! Hello? - [grunts]
Are you there? Are you there?
Are you there, Chief? Are you there?
Chief, are you there?
Yes! Dusty, what the hell is it?
[Dusty] We got a 911 call about a homo inside Paradise.
Dusty, I'm sure they said "homicide in Paradise."
Oh! That's a relief!
False alarm, everybody. Y'all can go back to church now.
[siren wails]
What the hell are you Diamond City dicks doing at my crime scene?
Your crime scene?
This is obviously Diamond City's jurisdiction.
Actually, Chief Limpcock, it looks like the body is laying right on the line
between Paradise and Diamond City.
In that case, the only fair thing to do is divide the evidence
by what's actually in each of our city's jurisdictions.
Sounds good to me. We'll see who IDs this victim and solves the crime first.
You're on.
Oh, looks like we have the victim's face,
fingerprints, dental records, and you have...
...the ass.
Ugh, shit!
Here we are, Bullet.
The dog fighting ring. Our first undercover mission together.
- You ready? - Yeah.
But why am I the only dog taking it seriously?
Maybe it's laundry day.
[dogs barking]
But this isn't like pro wrestling!
You lied to me!
You wouldn't have come if I didn't. But I promise we'll be out of here
before you even have to fight.
All right, you're next.
- Kevin! - My dog's not supposed to be in there.
He's not a fighting dog.
Then why's he wearing that pink cape that says "I'm a fighting dog"?
[dog whimpers]
We have a Frank Flipper Fist Fighting
Why are you trying to touch me like that?
- I'm gonna raise your hand in triumph. - No, you know what? I got this.
Don't worry. All good. I can do it myself.
Bullet! [laughs]
What a match!
I've never seen a dog fight like that.
The crowd loved it. I'm gonna make you a star!
Thanks, but I don't think Bullet will be fighting any more.
He's kidding. Of course I'll keep fighting.
That's great!
Let's celebrate.
These are the finest Cubans money can buy.
[giggles] Almost got it here.
[sighs, stammering]
[speaking gibberish]
All right. [chuckles]
It's a little tricky.
[speaking gibberish]
Come on!
Fucking piece of shit defective lighters!
I've got something better for you boys. I'll be right back.
- Are you think what I'm thinking? - Yeah.
- How does he crank off with those things? - No!
- What are you doing? - Looking for Argyle meth.
That's why we're here! Remember? Why did you tell that fishy-finned freak
- you'd keep fighting? - You saw me out there. I was awesome!
Stop it, Bullet. You could get hurt or killed.
Oh, now look who's worried about me! You know what? Don't be.
The last thing these idiot dogs expect are my sweet '80s wrestling moves.
- I am going to dominate these bitches! - So you're Bullet the Badass now?
No, don't be an asshole, Kevin. Actually, wait...
Bullet the Badass... Can I use that, for serious?
- It's a pretty fucking sweet name. - [door closes]
35-year-old Scotch.
I've been saving this for a special occasion.
Okay, here you are.
Sorry, I'm 30 minutes sober.
I respect that.
What do you think?
Sorry, I got my tongue all over your desk.
How are we supposed to solve this case using only an ass?
There are two things I never question.
The creepy little Asian girl that whispers commands in my head and the Chief.
All right. If we're even gonna have a chance of beating Diamond City,
we have to take this case seriously.
I know you'll be tempted to make a bunch of stupid ass puns...
I'm guessing whoever killed him was silent but deadly.
- Fitz! - I hope this evidence
ain't been tainted!
Yeah, very funny. Cut it out.
Something about this case stinks.
I don't know if we can crack it, but duty calls.
Get it? Butt duty? [laughs]
Enough! It's time to get serious and find out what wiped this asshole out.
Goddamn it! Now you got me doing it.
[shutter click continues]
Fourteen, 15, 16.
Sixteen wrinkles on right hemisphere.
- One, two, three... - Back up, Chief.
That stink-eye gonna give you pink eye.
We joke about this, kids, but remember,
never put your eyeball directly on a booty hole.
Have you seen this asshole?
Ugh! No!
How about you? You seen this asshole?
Shit! We don't have a single lead.
Dusty, pull your pants up. I can see your assho...
Wait a minute!
This asshole is at least 65% lighter than your asshole.
The victim had his asshole bleached.
Yeah, and that looks real professional too.
Probably went down to Banzai Butthole Bleaching.
Open noon to 4 p.m. every day of the year but Christmas.
I probably shouldn't ask, but how do you know that?
Because I get my cat's butthole bleached every Tuesday.
She was walking around one day, flipped her tail up at me
and that thing just looked evil. It was dark,
like the brown eye of Sauron or something.
I tried to bleach it at home myself, to be thrifty,
and I used Clorox, but I ended up melting my cat's butthole shut.
Trick's on me, 'cause that cat butthole reconstructive surgery
cost me way more than I saved,
plus I had to teach her how to shit again by holding her over the litter box
and squeezing her little belly like a Go-GURT
till her butthole opened back up. But it kept healing shut,
so I had to take both thumbs and a pair of chopsticks
and pry it open. That's how I got these scratch marks on my face.
Yes, I get it, Dusty!
[crowd cheering]
Electricity fills the air
as this crowd awaits the new sensation
that has made dog fighting exciting again.
- Delbert, are you as charged up as I am? - Yeah.
Okay, well, here he is, folks. The canine crusher,
the puppy paralyzer,
Bullet the Badass!
[chanting] Bullet the Badass!
[crowd cheering]
[dogs whimpering]
Bullet climbed up on the top rope.
Oh, my God! Is he gonna do his signature move?
- Yes, he is! - [unzips]
It's time to apply...
the lipstick!
[door opens]
Hi, my name is Billy Brownstar.
Just a regular guy here to get my stink-hole bleached.
There have been a lot of complaints.
Can you make it look like Angelina Jolie sucking a lemon?
- [kisses] - Oh, you want a number four?
Oh, just one thing before you Clorox my dirt box.
I've been looking for a friend of mine.
Is this asshole one of your customers?
- Why do you have that? Are you a cop? - No, I'm not a cop.
My name is... Donnie Doodyhole.
Get your purple asshole out of here!
I'm not going anywhere.
Wait. It's purple?
You anal bleached my eyes!
Who can spare a hamburger?
You got a hamburger? I love hamburgers.
[door opens]
God damn, Chief! What happened to your eyes?
You look like you got teabagged by a birthday clown.
[scoffs] I wish!
Some Asian lady tried to blind me with anal bleach.
[chuckles] Damn, you kinky, Chief!
Chief, have you been up all night?
How can you tell? I don't see any dark circles.
As a matter of fact, yes, I have been up all night.
I've been working on this.
[chuckles] This is getting a little crazy, Chief.
- Maybe we should inform the Mayor. - No, do not tell Karen.
She's still pissed off at me for standing her up on that date.
All because I ran out of testosterone patches.
And your mustache fell out.
And you grew them big old titties. [laughs]
My dick was very confused.
But, Chief, why is this ass case so important to you?
It can't just be about Diamond Shitty.
I've never talked about it,
but I've been in this situation before.
It was 1985.
I was handed a Jane Doe severed ass case.
Just an ass. No legs, no body.
Nothing but ass.
I became obsessed with solving the case.
It was all I could think about. Months went by with no leads
and it drove me into madness.
Ass madness.
[butt] You're a shitty cop, Crawford.
No ifs, ands or butts! [laughs]
See what I did there?
[laughing hysterically]
Ass puns! No!
I never found out who that ass belonged to.
I descended into a dark place where the sun don't shine.
That cold case haunts me to this day.
And yeah, I confess that isn't a sunset on these patches.
It is a puckering butthole.
It's a tribute to her.
But I'm not going to let history repeat itself.
Excuse me, I've got work to do.
[high-pitched voice] You'll never figure out my secret!
Yes, I will.
[high-pitched voice] No, you won't!
Okay, he's losing his damn mind.
- We gotta tell the Mayor about this. - You heard the Chief.
We can't tell her! He gave us a direct order.
Sometimes a good soldier's gotta know when not to follow orders.
[high-pitched voice] I've been a bad butthole!
Somebody spank me.
Hey, guys, I think I'm onto something.
[high-pitched laughing]
- Ah, you wanted to see me? - Ah, yes. Come in.
I was just about to eat this sushi with chopsticks
and finish this model ship in a bottle.
So your boy has his championship fight tonight, eh?
[laughs] We should have a drink for good luck.
Dear God, no.
But do you have anything stronger and less dangerous?
Say... Argyle meth?
Hell, no! I wouldn't keep that around dogs.
That stuff's got chocolate in it. It's inhumane!
Really? Wow. Guess I'll be going now.
Wait a minute. Hold on. I've got a proposition for you.
Bring me more dogs like Bullet.
We bet against them and get rich.
Why would we bet against Bullet? He's undefeated.
That's because I sedated every dog he fought.
Make everyone think he's a winner.
But tonight, in the big championship fight,
he's going to get killed.
Literally! What do you say, partner? You supply the wussy dogs,
and do you know how many millions we could make?
This many!
- [cackles] - Uh...
One-weird-flappy-million that smells like fish?
No, four! Can't you count? Look. One, two, three, four.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go crank off.
I use my feet, by the way.
Come on, buddy. Talk to me.
Open up for me. Let me in.
Who am I kidding? I suck!
I'll never get a break in this case.
- [phone ringing] - Ah!
Holy crap! That's coming from...
inside the ass.
It's times like this I wish I hadn't slashed our rubber glove budget.
Happy place. Go to my happy place. Happy place.
- Hello? - [man] The mole has the answer.
The mole? Who is the mole?
[phone rings]
[man] I'll never tell.
Jesus! How many phones are in this asshole?
[phone rings]
[man] Just three.
Hey, Mr. Badass, excuse me.
If it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you sign my daughter's titties?
Oh, and my son's boobies.
He's transitioning and I titty-fuck... I mean, support him.
Bullet, we have to get out of here right now!
Slow down, dumb-dumb.
I'm not going anywhere until I win that championship.
Plus, I got a lot of real gross body parts to sign.
The fights were all rigged in your favor. If you fight tonight,
you're gonna get killed!
Bullshit! You lied to get me in here and now you're lying to get me out.
This is the first time my life's been exciting without drugs.
First time! And you know how much I love drugs.
But you don't give a shit about that! You don't care at all.
Everything's all about your stupid cases and pleasing your daddy.
Little pussy!
We're getting out of here whether you like it or not.
Let me go, you dick! Get off! Come on! Let go of me!
It's fight time! Everything okay in here?
No, Frank. This asshole doesn't want me to fight.
- Get him out of here. - Gladly.
And I thought I could trust you.
Oh, well. Say goodbye.
I just gotta... Maybe with the other one, I...
They make these triggers so small!
Come on! It's broken!
Let me see.
[gunshot] Ah, good. Would you mind shooting yourself for me?
No, I'd rather not.
- Some partner you are! - [door slams shut]
Who's the mole? Who's the mole?
Maybe the Earth is round! Maybe Shaq was wrong.
Who is the mole?
Randall, what the hell are you doing?
Gina, why did you tell her? I gave you a direct order.
A good soldier's gotta know when not to follow orders.
Besides, I was worried about you.
A little more now that I see you've painted a 12-foot-tall fresco on the wall
out of what appears to be your own excrement.
Randall, it took four years of shock therapy to bring you back
the last time you went down this dark hole in '85.
You're off this case for your own good.
You can't do that, Karen! I'm this close to solving this case.
I just need to find who the mole is.
Eureka, that's it!
The mole's not a person!
The mole is a mole!
God damn! I've seen a lot of scat art, and I've seen better, but not much.
[crowd chanting] Bullet the Badass!
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the underground dog fighting championship.
Here he is, folks, live and unleashed - Bullet the Badass!
And his competition, the gene-splice lab experiment,
the genetically engineered killer,
the fuck-you to God,
half pit bull, half wolf,
the pit wolf!
Oh, look, the oldest trick in the book.
Ow, ow! Shit! Time out!
[pit wolf growls]
- Kevin? - Okay.
Ah, ah, ah!
[Kevin screaming]
Hey, Bullet, how's that sobriety going?
Great. Listen, real quick. Can I buy some drugs from you?
Sure. I'm your sponsor, right?
I need crack, bath salts and 13 Slim Jims.
One Hillbilly Highball coming up.
Hey, keep the change.
This isn't real money.
[crowd cheering]
[both growling]
[all gasp]
That's not a mole, that's writing. It's a message.
"Triple gotcha?"
I pranked you so hard!
What? This is a prank? How?
Yeah. We solved that murder in five minutes,
got rid of the body and I took its spot!
It was worth all the internal damage you did
sticking your arm up my ass looking for that cell phone
just to see the look on your face!
You're the worst cop ever!
You look so stupid right now!
Hey, Kevin, sorry about that whole ripping your face off thing.
[sighs] Don't give it a second thought, Bullet.
Your heart was in the right place.
Unfortunately, Kevin, your heart won't be in the right place
until after several more invasive surgeries.
And I'm touched that you sacrificed your sobriety to try and save my life.
Hey, that's what friends do.
Besides, sobriety's overrated. Wrestling's fun and all,
- but it sure as shit ain't heroin. - I just have one question.
If that wasn't Frank Flipper-Fist's flipper print on that Argyle meth,
whose was it?
Here you go, kids.
First bag's free. Now scram!
I gotta crank off.
I use my feet, by the way.
I use my good hand on my nips.
I quit! I'm a terrible cop.
Come on, Chief! This could have happened to anybody
with a history of cold case files about ass.
Plus, I think Hancock got the worst of all these pranks.
I heard he shits in a bag now
and them phones gave him prostate cancer.
Yeah. He really got me good, didn't he?
Goodbye forever.
[door opens, closes]
Sorry. I can't get around well since I lost my ass in 1985.
That's what I get for skydiving out a helicopter.
You're telling me you've been sitting outside the police station for 30 years?
It was your ass? There was no murder?
You just jumped too high with your butt sticking out?
Case closed!
[butt] You did it, Chief!
I'm finally at peace. Turns out you are a great cop.
I'm back!
Subtitles by Ashley Cardaman