Paradise PD (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Episode #1.10 - full transcript

Santa, can you tell my dad
to come home for Christmas?

Can you tell your mom to stop blowing
the line cook

at the waffle house?
Now, stop bothering Daddy at work.

Okay, who's next?

Merry Christmas, Santy Claus!

I know you ain't the real Santy,

but you report to the real Santy!

What do you want for Christmas?

For the love of fuck,
tell me lap band surgery.

No! Ever since I was a child,
I only wanted one thing.

An electric blue, old gauge Chuggy Chuggy,
Chattanooga Choo Choo,

but he's never brought me my train.

I'm good every year.

I never cuss
and I never touch my privates,

not even to make water!

So why don't Santa ever visit?

Don't know.

Losing consciousness.

Well, I ain't movin' till I get me
some gosh-darn fart-flippin' answers.

I don't know. Maybe this town
needs more Christmas spirit?

Oh, that's it! I'm gonna bring
so much Christmas spirit

to this town that Santa will surely
bring me my train!

Excuse me. My little girl is waiting.

- Sorry, ma'am.
- Oh, thank God.

Oh, what?!

Santa, I want a pony.
My last one hung itself.

Fitz, I can't believe that a Paradise cop
is the argyle meth Kingpin.

I can't trust anyone. Thanks
for letting me set up my crime lab here.

Now, where are those thumbtacks?

Thanks, Fitz.

It could be any of them. Well,
I'm 90% certain that it's not me.

And you can't run an empire if you're
half-dead and pissing through a tube.

Unless you're Rupert Murdoch.
I better get back to work.

Why isn't this printer working?
Oh, it's unplugged.

I'll just borrow this plug for a second.

Oh, man. My iPod Touch is dead.

Dusty! Why the hell does my police station

look like Oriental Trading Company
took a shit in here?

Calm down, Chief.

A little Christmas spirit ain't never
hurt nobody.

Last time I felt a surge like that

was when Nikola Tesla gave me the Shocker.

Two in the B hole, one in the pee hole.

What in the hell is all this commotion,

- so early in the goddamn morning?
- Bullet, it's 3 p.m.

Oh shit, I almost missed breakfast.

I'm raising Christmas spirit

so Santy will finally bring me
my Chuggy Chuggy Choo Choo.

You ever consider
that maybe your parents just told you

Santa didn't bring you that train because
they're poor white trash scumbags?

If my parents are so poor,

then how come every year
they can afford to give me

these fun rubber finger puppets, hmm?

Hello, Bullet.

Dusty, all I want for Christmas is a kiss
on the lips under the mistletoe.

Imma tell you what. You help me get
this town in the Christmas spirit,

I'll tear up your restraining order
and give you that smoochie.

Yes! Just want to make sure my workplace
harassment attorney heard that.

I did. And oral contracts
are binding in court.

Hansy Grabavitz Esquire,
from the law offices of Goosem and Gropem.


Oh, god damn it, Dusty,
you fluffy fat fuck!

Oh, calm down, Bullet!
It's just a doghouse.

My girlfriend was still in there

and she just told me she was pregnant,
so I'm feeling...

kinda off the hook,
but I'm still pissed about the doghouse.

I'm gonna tell that man-baby
there is no Santa.

You will not! That would crush Dusty!

Sorry to use that word with
the recent death of your girlfriend.

Nah, I've moved on.

Randall, these last few weeks with you
have been perfect.

Just hope our idiot son doesn't screw it
up like he screws up everything.

In fact, I think I'm going to yell at him

First, how about you give me
a little tongue lashing?

Oh, Karen, I did that for two hours
last night.

I was talking like Michael Strahan
all morning.

- Uh, don't you think it's my turn?
- Okay, fine.

Hey, could you pretend to
play with my balls?

You know, like that mime we saw juggling.

So do you want an actual blowjob
or a mime blowjob?

Either one requires less talking.

- Oops. Got a meeting.
- That's cool. I've finished.

Hi, Mom.

That's a weird-tasting lip gloss.
Is it asparagus?

Kevin, what do you want?

Brace yourself, Dad, but I finally found
the identity of the argyle meth Kingpin.

It's a Paradise PD cop!

Kevin, there is no way
it's one of my cops.

I don't have time for this nonsense.

If you don't stop meddling in this,
I'm gonna throw your ass in jail!

Dad, I've never actually
asked you this, but...

where were you the night Terry Two Toes
was murdered?

I won't dignify that with an answer!

Get the hell out of my office!
And don't ever ask me that again!

And for Christ's sake, clean your lips up.
No! Don't lick 'em.

You're being crazy, Kevin.
Dad isn't capable of murder.

But who in the department is?

Thanks for letting me crash
at your place tonight.

The hospital says it's weird for me
to continue sleeping

in a bed with a grown man in a coma.

You frickin' weirdo!

Ooh! I'm about to hit the sack.

I don't own blankets, but this is
pretty much a sleeping bag.

- For dead bodies.
- Yeah, I'm good.

Okay, just make yourself at home.
What's mine is yours.

Except for that door!

Do not go near that fucking door!

Okay, nighty night, Kevin. Sweet dreams.

Bring that... big fat ass over here.

I'm going to have to find something
to bash this door open.

Oh, my God, it is Gina!

She must use these to monitor her
argyle meth operations all over town.

Wait a minute. All these cameras
are in Dusty's apartment.

Let's see what Dusty was up to the night
of Terry's murder.

- Here it is..
- Well, time for my bath.

Well, I guess that clears Dusty,
but not Gina.

Oh, cheese and potatoes, Mr. Friskers,
you're gettin' big. Hey!

Don't lick me there.
That's where I make mush!

No leads on the Kingpin.

But I found out why Gina was talking
like Michael Strahan that day.

Hopson, what are you doing here?

I like you, Kevin. I always have.

So I'm only going to say this once.

Stop looking into
what happened that night.

Hopson, are you threatening me?

Now I am.

Clear the room! This woman's got
the biggest parasite we've ever seen!

Really? How did this happen?

Well, I'm no doctor,
but if I had to guess,

it would be from licking a fat guy
where he makes mush.

Santy, I understand why you never visit.

Our town's naughty. It's not nice.

It'll take a ton of Christmas spirit

to bring you to this white trash dump
called Paradise.

I need to keep my eyes
on Hopson 24/7.

Right now, he's at the PD Christmas party,

but I quit, so I can't go.

Unless... I'm someone's plus one.

Thanks for taking me to this, Fitz.
Don't worry, the hospital won't miss you.

You know, Fitz, I've never noticed this,

but you look a lot like
my first girlfriend,

brown-colored fuck doll.

I love this man right here!
I love him! I love him! I love him!

Wow, things seem to be going well
with you and Mom.

- Oh, they are, so far.
- Why do you seem so stressed out?

- You should be happy.
- I just got a lot on my mind, okay?

Side note, I don't think
Fitz is in any shape to be here.

Are you kidding? He's having a great time!

That's right.
Swallow that Christmas spirit!

Take it all! Look in my eyes
while you do it.

What're you doing here, drinking alone?

I hate Christmas, all right?

Nobody hates Christmas.

Yeah, well, most people aren't
ripped away from their family,

shoved in a box and given
as a Christmas gift, like property.

Bullet, I had no idea.

By the way, you don't care
about Christmas either, all right?

All you want is your little kiss
on the lips under the mistletoe.

It's pathetic how excited
you are about that.

I didn't specify what lips.

You're a monster, Gina.

A monster who's within her legal rights.

Where's Hopson? I've got to find him.

Fitz, you've gotta drive yourself
back to the hospital.

What are you up to, Hopson?

Looks like you're... selling drugs!

I know what's going on here.

- Tell me where it's going down.
- In there.

Guess they pass the drugs
through this hole!

I'm here. Now give me the goods.

I gave you the money! Give it to me!

Give me the...

All right! That little stunt you pulled
was very close to crossing the line.

Why are you threatening me? Why are you
trying to stop my investigation?

Because I'm protecting someone.

- Who? Who?
- Your father!

My dad is the argyle meth Kingpin?

I'm not answering any more questions.

Unless you ask me through the hole.

- What the hell is that?
- It's my invention.

The mobile glory-hole.

Mark Cuban said he loved it!

- On Shark Tank?
- No, behind the Kmart dumpster.

Terry Two Toes was shot
September 25th at 10:30 p.m.

That night Dad stood up Mom for their date
because he ran out of testosterone patches

and grew the most perfect set of breasts
I've ever seen.

He stormed out of the house at 9 p.m.
for some mysterious reason.

- Let me feel them! Come on, Dad.
- Stop it!

No means no!

I remember waking up the next morning

and finding that Dad
hadn't come home all night.

At the time, I just assumed
he was a werewolf.

But now, Fitz, I think my dad
is the argyle meth Kingpin

and I gotta catch him red-handed.

I don't know if I can do this
on my own, Fitz.

You won't have to.

- Fitz! You're awake!
- That's right.

I won't leave your side
until we take your dad down.

Good morning.

What the hell are you doing?
This man has a severe clown phobia.

Were you cheering up cancer kids
or something?

Oh, God, no. Gathering of the Juggalos.
ICP for life.

Woop, woop!

If Dad is the Kingpin,

I'll bet he's got argyle meth
hidden somewhere.

Ah! Maybe he hid it inside
this priceless vase he didn't insure.

Nope. Or in his grandmother's ashes!


Oh... I checked everywhere

and there's no argyle meth here.

Unless he hid it in his pet gerbil.


It's so nice to see you all
are setting up a stage

for the Christmas tree lightin'.

The tree lighting was canceled
due to low interest.

It's been replaced with something
the people of Paradise are interested in.

The world's largest dwarf gang bang.

I wanna see that too,
but the tree lightin' can't be canceled.

We gotta get us a 50-foot tree
and so many lights

that Santa can see it from space.
And some fake snow and some...

Silence, Hindenburg!

I'm in charge here and there will be no
Christmas lights and no Christmas tree.

What the hell is this Christmas crap?

I paid for seats in the sploodge zone.

Oh, it's been canceled.
Sorry if I ruined your holiday plans

of watching a dwarf gang bang.

Watch it. Are you kidding me?
I'm three foot six. I was gonna be in it!

God damn it! The only thing
I've been looking forward to

this whole shitty fucking holiday!

- I hate Christmas!
- Hate Christmas all you want.

Just don't get in my way. And keep
that Grinch shit away from Dusty!

How's it going, my plus-size panty soaker?

I've been passing out flyers
for the Christmas tree lighting,

but everybody told me to shove 'em
up my big fat B hole.

It'll just break my heart
if nobody shows up.

And I certainly won't feel like kissing
no lips under no mistletoe.

Attention, citizens of Paradise.

In an effort to raise Christmas spirit,

martial law will be invoked

and enforced during the Christmas tree
lighting, tonight at midnight.

Anyone not attending will be shot
and killed on site. Merry Christmas.

I've got nothing on Dad.

I don't know how I'll ever take him down.

It would take a Christmas miracle.

Holy crap, the Kingpin's phone!

Hello? Howdy do?
It's me, Robbie, boss.

Sure, I can meet you midnight tonight
at the abandoned Christmas tree factory

to buy a bunch of argyle meth.
Yee-haw! Yeah.

Gotcha, Dad... if that is your real name.

If I'm going to stop Dad,
I'm going to need a gun.

I know he hides his old one
in here somewhere.


What's this? Oh, my God.

He kept this? Can't believe I could
end up using this on my own dad.

Again. I did shoot his balls off with it.

Oh, there you are, you little asshole!

You ransacked my house
and made a strawberry smoothie

that tasted really weird.
Plus, my gerbil's missing.

Didn't I tell you what was gonna happen

if you didn't stop meddling?

You just couldn't leave well enough alone,
could you, son?

This is a very important night for me.

I've got something really big going down
at midnight

and I am not gonna let you ruin it!

Why didn't I just hide it?

I knew it! He is doing
the big argyle meth deal tonight.

I can't bust him if I'm stuck in here.

Who can I trust to go in my place?

I need someone as cunning as I am
with balls of steel.

Wunderbar, Dusty. Incredible song.

Mr. Anton, are you sure we need
all that anti-Jew stuff at the end?

Ja. 'Tis the season.

Ho, ho, hello?

Dusty, you're never going to believe this,
but the argyle meth Kingpin is my dad.

Yeah, that's who I would've picked.

Dad is doing a huge deal tonight
at midnight.

It's my only chance to bust him!
But he locked me in the jail.

I need you to go for me.

But my tree lighting's at midnight.

Dusty, please! This is our only chance!

I'll try to get out of here.
If I can, I'll back you up.

Well, I guess nothing shows more Christmas
spirit than helping a friend in need.

- I'll do it.
- Where's the sign-in for the gang bang?

I can't tell if that wiener's big
or just looks big on you, little man.

- It's big, asshole!
- All right, if you say so.

Let's go, people! Move it!
What the hell are you doing here?

I'm required by law to be here, right?
Like the rest of your holiday hostages.

Where's Dusty? It's almost midnight.

Maybe his balls dropped and he realized
that he's a grown man.

Thought about that?
I'm gonna tell these poor people

they can go home and I'm gonna
call that bus full of horny half-pints

and tell them to turn round,
point it at my dick.

Not another step! I'm lighting
this Christmas tree with or without Dusty.

Christmas spirit counts
whether he's here or not.

You're out of control, Gina!

It's time somebody put a stop
to your corny Christmas bullshit.

All right, you fucking shit town.
Let's get merry.

It's beautiful.

Isn't it, son?

Delbert, man, I'm sorry
I got you mixed up with argyle meth.

It's my fault you lost your hand

and I ruined your dream
of going to the Winter Olympics

and jerking off two guys at the same time.

That's okay, Robbie. Who needs to jerk off
a two-man bobsled team

when you can do this?

Bullet, I'm sorry about how I acted

and I do hope that you can learn
to love Christmas.

Wait a minute. Is this...

100% pure
direct from a Peruvian jungle lab.

I was gonna track down your parents,
but I thought you'd like this more.

Oh! You know me so well.

I think I'm starting to like Christmas.

When Bullet snorted that coke,

his heart grew three sizes that day,

which is extremely unhealthy,
most doctors say.

I gotta get out of here to help Dusty!

You ain't gonna get out that way.

- Hobo-Cop, how'd you get in here?
- There's a hole in the wall.

No. I know this trick.

I don't think my mouth
is going to fit over that.

I'm coming, Dusty!
Oh, crap, it's almost midnight.

- Kevin!
- Dad? What are you doing here?

You said you had
somewhere important to be.

I told you to stay out of it.

Now I gotta put you back in jail.

- No, you're not!
- Kevin!

You're going to confess to what you did
the night of Terry's murder,

right now, in front of everyone.

Okay, okay, you wanna know
what really happened that night?

Well, I'll tell you.

I was depressed about sprouting
that perfect set of 34Gs.

So I spent the night getting drunk.

You expect me to believe
you hid your whereabouts

because you were embarrassed
you got drunk?

No, I was embarrassed about
what happened after I got drunk.

I'm a continental breakfast, boys.

Melons on top, but a sausage below.


Can anyone back that up?

Don't act like none of you were there!

I was.
That's why I was protecting you, Chief.

I didn't want to see your life ruined.

I'm in love with Summer Sausage.

Jesus, Hopson, is that why I caught you
hiding my testosterone patches?

I just want to eat one more
continental breakfast

before I die, Summer.

Stop calling me that!
Well, Kevin, way to go.

I was going to propose to your mother
tonight, but you ruined it,

just like I knew you would!

You were going to propose?

Yeah, but now that you know about
Summer Sausage,

- you'll probably never speak to me again.
- I love you.

And of course I want to marry you again.

And I'd like to meet this Summer Sausage.

You can't marry her!
Because you're going to marry me, Summer.

Get the hell out of here, Hopson!
Oh, wait, that is a big rock.

Wait a minute. If you're not
the argyle meth Kingpin,

who was on the other end of that phone?

Who's meeting Dusty right now?

Who is it?

Oh, my God, it's you!

What the fuck are you doing...?

Yes, Dusty, it's me, the real Santa.

I knew it would work! All the Christmas
spirit got you here to Paradise.

That's right.
It was the Christmas spirit that...

Oh, fuck.

Santa? You mixed up in argyle meth?

Ho, ho, ho!
Dusty, it's red and green meth.

I can't believe it took you
incompetent pig so long to figure it out.

But Santa, it can't be! You're good!
You stand for the spirit of giving!

Give, give, give. But when does Santa
get his fucking piece, huh? No!

I believed in you.

Even though the other kids
made fun of me,

I never stopped believing.

I know, Dusty, and I'm sorry
that I've let you down.

You know what I think will make up for it?
Your train.

My Chuggy Chuggy Choo Choo?

Your train to hell! All aboard!

Made in China piece of shit!

Ooh! Candy cane!

Looks like I'll have to do this
with peace and joy.

Enjoy your last meal, you fat fuck.

Huh! I guess this was
for Dusty's big finish.

Wherever he is, I'm gonna get that kiss.

Die, Santa, die! Die, you son of a cunt!

Fucking shitburger, bitch...

And I'm keeping the goddamn Choo Choo!

Dusty! Are you okay?
We got here as soon as we could.

Wait a minute, who's giant bag
of argyle meth is that, Dusty?

Santy Claus's?

I didn't do it! I tell you,
it was Santy Claus!

Santy Claus did it,
that twat-sucking piece of shit!

Wow, you were right all along, son.

I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

You are the best damn cop
the city of Paradise has ever seen.

I never thought it was Dusty.

I thought I saw a footage at Gina's place
that cleared him of Terry's murder.

Hey, he tricked you.
Threw you off the trail.

But don't feel bad.

He tricked all of us. We all thought
he was just a clueless man-child.

Ho, ho! But you caught him red-handed.

No! Dusty, I know you're innocent.
You can't take him from me! Let him go!

He owes me a kiss under the mistletoe.

- Please, you gotta get him out.
- You'll need a trial lawyer.

I only handle minor cunnilingus disputes.

Sorry, got to take this.
It's Michael Douglas again.

Wait a minute. Am I in a women's prison?

Of course you are. You're a woman.
We checked... twice.

I have a buried penis.

I even have a doctor's note 'cause
these mix-ups happen all the time.

Shut up and get in your cell, lady.


I hear you're the one who killed my son.

You about to be one dead woman.

Oh, my God. Bunk beds!

I'm sorry, what did you say?

Well, Fitz,
I guess I got everything I wanted.

My parents are getting remarried.
I'm a hero in my dad's eyes.

He's even giving me a medal.

But it all feels empty because I don't
know if you'll ever come out of this.

Yeah, it's me.

It worked better
than I could have imagined.

They think that fat cop is the Kingpin.

And he took out Kringle for me.

Don't get me wrong.

Saint Nick was good
for handling distribution

so I could keep my cover,

but I was sick of sharing my profits
with that bowl full of jelly.

And now, Paradise is all mine.
Me, the Kingpin.

Here's our new drug, boss. Argyle meth.

Red and green? Don't you think
that's a dead giveaway?

Why don't you put chocolate
in that shit, too?

Ho, ho, ho, good idea, boss.

I just don't understand.

It was supposed to be a plastic steak.

I set you motherfuckers up.

And I fucking hate prop comedy.

Oh, boss, thank goodness.

Please, wait a second.

None of those cops suspect a thing.

They're all too stupid...

except for one of them,
but I'll be taking him out next.

Hey, you!

Have you ever been in church

and had a hankering
for an anonymous blowjob?

Well, now you can get one, with Hopco's
mobile gloryhole.

The glo-hole to go! It works anywhere.

At a job interview.

Your wife's funeral.

Next to a playground.

On trial for indecent exposure.


White, black,

and Tucker Carlson.

Act now and your first orgasm is on me!