Paradise PD (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Welcome to Paradise - full transcript

Kevin Crawford finally gets the opportunity to join the police force run by his dad, just as a new drug named "argyle meth" hits the streets.

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a cop just like my dad.
If you move one goddamn inch,
I am gonna shove my boot so far up your ass...'ll be shittin' shoelaces for a cock-suckin' month,
you green, shit-sniffin' asshole!
Kevin! Where did you hear that language?
My dad was my hero and I was his little rookie,
but everything changed that fateful day.
Oh, yeah, yeah!
Wait. Where's Kevin?
He's taking a nap. Let's you and me get weird.
Dad, look! I'm a real cop, just like you.
Bang! Bang!
My nut! You shot me in my nut!
Dad, are you okay?
Fuck, no, Kevin! No, I'm not okay!
Sorry, Dad. I'll put the safety on.
My other nut!
That's not the safety, that's the trigger you little asshole!
Oh my God.
Officer down?
Good morning. How's my favorite dad?
Kevin, I'm a divorced guy with no balls
who has to wear a testosterone patch to keep his mustache from falling out.
- So I'm shitting rainbows. Yay! - That's great, Dad.
Say, do you still have that open position on the force?
What do you think? No one wants to be a cop anymore.
Hello! What about me?
I have told you a thousand times.
I will never trust you to be a cop after what you did to me.
I was having a pretty great life before you murdered my squirters.
Dad, I was a kid. I'm 18 now.
Look, Kevin, I still love you. It's just...
Hey! You got an A in metal shop.
I'm sure you could earn a good living making pipe bombs
or whatever the fuck they do.
- Bombs are boring! - Boring?
You know what's "boring"?
Making love to a middle-aged man with no testicles and a floppy ding-dong!
Why do you think your mom left me?
She said it was because you are a stubborn, sexist,
piece of shit asshole that can never admit when he's wrong.
That's ridiculous. She'd never leave me over anything that trivial.
She obviously left because she missed my balls so much.
Well, who could blame her? They were nearly perfect.
Smooth and hairless. Your mom couldn't get enough of 'em.
I'd drop 'em down on her eyes, and she'd pretend to be the Hamburglar.
It's sweet moments like that that I miss so much.
You should've seen it, Kevin.
She'd put on the black hat and go, "Rabble, rabble!"
"Rabble, rabble!"
Morning, sexy.
Honk, honk!
Now, Gina, you know this restraining order I have on you,
it specifically covers not honking my bitch tits.
Hmm. Does it cover this?
Yes. "Foghorn-ing my peter," article seven, paragraph two.
Good morning, officers. Let's get started.
Where's Bullet?
Sorry, Chief, I was just in the evidence room doing... inventory.
Goddamn! I love inventory!
Oh, inventory, huh?
What's that white powder all over your snout?
How am I supposed to sniff out cocaine if I don't know what it smells like?
Good point. Moving on.
Chief, first of all, namaste.
Second, when am I going to get my motherfucking flak jacket?
Never! We're broke, Fitzgerald.
We only have 12 bullets to last us to the end of the month.
We can't even afford Hopson's pension so he can retire.
In 1941 I was the prettiest girl in school.
I won the 4-H beauty pageant and made finger-love to Mickey Rooney.
You don't need a flak jacket, Fitzgerald. You don't get shot at.
You're afraid to leave your police car.
It's my PTSD, Chief.
You know I was a cop in Chicago. Some dark shit happened.
But I deal with stressful situations
by chanting my mantra during transcendental meditation.
Fitzgerald, help!
Mega Converse platy-monkey diaphragm.
All right. Any of you other idiots manage to do any police work yesterday?
I pulled over a suspicious lookin' colored fella.
Third time this week.
The only thing doing any real work here is Dusty's insulin pump.
I do real police work, okay. I busted my 99th criminal yesterday.
- You keep track of your arrests? - I don't just "keep track."
I scrapbook that shit.
I'll never forget my first arrest. He was a litterbug.
This photo captures the exact moment
when 50,000 volts turned his spine into dust!
He doesn't litter anymore because he can't hold things.
Gina, did you ever go see that shrink about your "anger issues"?
This one. Turns out he had an unpaid parking ticket.
Piece of fucking shit.
Goddamn it. This is why everybody hates us.
Maybe PR would improve if we didn't have to walk around
with a puckering butt-hole patch.
"Puckering butt-hole"?
That happens to be a sunset
that I designed myself in Microsoft Paint!
Personally, I like the butt-hole. It intimidates the citizens.
I mean, if anything, we should add a billy club being rammed right into it.
Yeah, Gina, I saw you put that in the suggestion box.
The point is, nobody wants to work here.
Except for me.
Kevin, what the hell are you doing in that uniform?
I'm officially a cop! Mom hired me! Ha-ha!
Mayors can do that.
Funny story, I divorced this sexist, piece of shit asshole
who said a woman could never get elected mayor.
You ran against a pig in a t-shirt,
who won the popular vote, by the way.
Karen, I do not want this sack sniper working here.
It doesn't matter what you want. This'll be good for Kevin.
Yeah, I've been dreaming of proudly wearing
this puckering butt-hole my entire life.
It's a sunset.
And face it, he's the only cop you can afford.
Well, that's your fault, Mr. Mayor, the whole town is broke.
Trust me, I've been looking for money everywhere I can.
Oh, Lambie-pie, are you almost done? I'm running on fumes in the Tesla.
This is the man I've been seeing, Dr. Dinkle. He's a dentist.
- I thought you said he was a doctor. - Dentists are doctors.
Yeah, and birds are books. What a loser.
Where'd you dig up this four-eyed, fluoride-pushing fuck nut?
This fuck nut trumps you in every possible way.
From bank account to ball count.
If you'll excuse us.
Nice to meet you, Dr. Dickhole!
Okay, police time. Where's my gun?
How about something with some real stopping power?
Oh, yeah.
A stop sign?
Very observant, Kevin. You're our new crossing guard.
You think I give out guns to just anybody?
Watch it!
911, what's your emergency?
We got a suspicious package downtown.
Let's roll.
- Where's the bomb-defusing robot? - Too expensive.
We just go under a bridge, deputize a hobo, and send him in there.
Reporting for duty. Yes, sir.
Nice! Going great so far!
Now open it up!
Cue the Gallagher tarp.
- It was just a bag of meth. - That's not just meth.
It appears to be some kind of argyle meth.
This new drug is likely as dangerous as it is festive.
Probably the work of a criminal mastermind who's also fond of patterns
worn by Scottish Highlanders since the 17th century.
I memorized all of Wikipedia instead of having friends.
Oh my God, that is so hot.
I want to die under you.
Listen up. I want the entire Paradise PD to focus on catching the person
behind this argyle meth.
If anyone's busting this guy, it's gonna be me.
I've got a page reserved for my 100th arrest.
So what we gonna do with this hobo?
Hell if I know. They usually get blown up.
But since you asked, meet your new partner, Hobo Cop.
He smells like skunk pussy but I've got to admit,
Hobo Cop is a bad-ass name.
Bullet, store this evidence.
Uh, you put a dog in charge of drug evidence?
Hey, in my book, Bullet is the most trustworthy cop on the force.
Drugga-drugga-drugga-drugga. Drugs, drugs!
Look out, drug train coming through. Who wants some drugs?
Bullet! This party's awesome!
Oh, yeah, bro? Well, it is about to get double-awesome.
A new drug?
Uh-huh. And it's called argyle meth.
I'm color-blind and it still looks incredible.
Hey, one at a time, all right. There's enough for everybody!
Except me, apparently.
Well, at least somebody's gonna have a good time tonight.
Oh, shit.
- Bullet, you okay? - I was up all night cleaning.
I just couldn't stand everything covered with circumstantial evidence.
Dust! I mean dust. It was covered with dust.
- Oh, God, there was dust everywhere. - Thanks, Bullet. Good dog.
Plus, I found this sticker on the back of the argyle meth bag.
Well, if we knew what kind of chocolate it was, maybe we could trace it to...
- Do I smell Choco-nators? - Choco-nators!
Dad, there's only one place in town that sells those: the video store.
Should I go investigate?
- You're a crossing guard. Stay out of it. - Chief, you better look at this.
Oh, boy. Bullet, I don't know how to tell you this
but apparently every dog in town had some kind of suicide pact.
They were all found dead in their dog houses
with almost identical suicide notes in similar handwriting.
Oh, man. No way.
Oh, if only I'd been there for them instead of that alibi thing I was doing.
Okay, Kevin, focus.
Just get them to sell you some argyle meth.
Dad won't mind that you borrowed a gun when you bust this case wide open.
I heard a rumor that you guys move
some "special products" here.
Oh, yeah? Check this out.
- I know you're a cop. - What?
This movie, I Know You're a Cop. You should check it out. It's awesome.
It's got Frank Stallone and a monkey in it.
That monkey got a Golden Globe for that and Frank Stallone got snubbed.
Oh, okay.
But seriously, I am here for, um...
Hey! You should watch it. I know why you're here,
I'm going to kill you right in this video store.
I mean, it's got a long title but you should definitely watch it.
It's an animated kids movie about a bipolar goat who manages a Blockbuster.
Listen, I need something from you.
How about this? Come in the back, kiss me on the lips,
and smack my ass like the pig I am.
Oh, where... where is that movie?
Oh, that's not a movie, that's an offer.
Oh, I'm just kidding, that is a movie. Starring Kathy Bates.
Look, I know you you guys are making argyle meth out of here.
I want to buy some.
Aah! Shots fired!
Shots fired!
What the hell are you doing?!
He must really hate microwave popcorn, Robbie.
I know you guys sell argyle meth!
The only thing we sell is VHS videotapes
that are oddly specific to many conversations.
And microwave popcorn.
Don't be bringing up microwave popcorn! You gon' set him off again.
Kevin, this is exactly why I didn't want you on my police force.
Do you know how much damage you did to that video store?
- Nine dollars? - Eleven.
Honestly, I thought you'd be angrier since I stole a gun and used all our bullets.
You did what?!
Wh-What are you doing?
You know you aren't supposed to wear more than one of those at a time.
Let's not get crazy here, Dad.
You're kind of starting to turn red.
Not the other arm!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Uh, Chief, you know that's your car, right?
Hey, guys. I wanted to come by and apologize for wrecking your store.
Freeze! Paradise PD!
You'll never take us alive!
'Cause the tape's broken.
I'm a bad dog, bad dog.
I'm such a bad dog!
My friends are dead because of me. I'm never doing drugs again.
Whoa, it's been five seconds and I haven't even had any hallucinations.
Why'd you turn your back on us, man?
Did you forget all the good times, man?
Remember Vegas, when we banged that litter of Pekingese?
Huh? Best night of your life.
Don't turn your back on us. We didn't kill your little friend!
It's that new guy's fault.
Why don't ya blow it out your ass, you powdery bastard!
- Fuck you! - I'll kill all of ya! Try me right now!
Shut up! Just shut up! I'm done with all you.
Get out of my life!
Cocaine, wait. I'll miss you most of all.
I don't care if it takes all night.
You are going to tell me who you work for.
He told us never to say his name.
- Who told you that? - Terry Two Toes.
Wait, is it supposed to be this easy?
I'm just the good cop. I didn't even need the bad cop.
Eat scrapbook, you hillbilly asshole!
Ooh! Ow!
When I'm done with you you're gonna be shitting blood and pissing teeth!
Who knows, maybe I'll shit teeth!
That`s how crazy I am!
I shit teeth for breakfast!
Here's the hillbilly prick we're looking for.
Terry Two Toes.
I want you out there searching for him 24/7.
Well, when we find that two-toed guy
maybe you could help me find Betty.
I don't know who the hell Betty is,
but I know something you need more. Purell.
Here. Take a bath in this shit.
Dad, I got the name out of 'em.
- Aren't you gonna say "good job"? - Oh, I'm sorry.
You wasted all our bullets trying to murder a bag of popcorn
then fell ass-backwards into a clue!
Huzzah for Kevin!
I get it. You can't admit you were wrong about me.
Well, maybe you will once I take down Terry Two Toes.
You will not. These are serious criminals.
This is not some Mickey Mouse shit.
Uh, Mr. Two Toes, how's this look?
Aw, shit.
That ain't argyle, that's houndstooth.
- What's the difference? - What's the difference?
So, Terry Two Toes attended Sunday school here.
Can I ask you a question first, my son?
Why is your partner nude from the waist down,
eating pages from the Bible?
Damn it, Hobo Cop!
I'm sorry, this D-D-Deuteronomy is delicious.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta take a holy shit.
Thanks for agreeing to talk to me about your son, Mrs. Two Toes.
Terry was such a happy child.
Burning down churches, microwaving frogs,
putting rat shit in his teacher's coffee.
Just normal kids' stuff.
I know it's a shock, but Terry has turned to a life of crime.
I need to know where he is so I can... help him.
I'd do anything to help my Terry.
Let me just grab my address book.
You think I'd help you arrest my son?
Oh, Lord!
Ha! You just got cold-cocked!
I knocked out a woman! All by myself!
I gotta tell Dad!
Not now, Kevin. I'm on my own mission.
Operation Dinkle-Dump.
Look at you, taking me to the nicest restaurant in town.
Tear gas! Duck and cover!
I won`t let this moment be ruined!
Will you be my...
Can one of you explain how the hell you haven't found Terry Two Toes?
It's impossible to find him, Chief.
Well, maybe if we just sit here on our assholes he'll waltz in and say...
Morning, assholes.
What the shit! You better be here to turn yourself in.
Not exactly. Nobody hits my mama with a ceramic rooster!
Hey, rookie, get a shot of this.
It's scrapbookin' time!
Don't strain your trigger fingers, Gina.
The crossing guard wasted all our bullets.
I guess if it's our time to go out, at least we're all going out together.
Hey, what are you guys doin'?
Oh, poops!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Woo! Awesome! Everybody that matters is okay.
Hate to see you like this, Dusty.
I'd rather see you like this.
It's looking like six more weeks of winter.
- Kevin, we need to talk. - Yeah, we do.
I'm getting really close to finding Terry Two Toes' hideout.
- Kevin, you're fired. - What?
Mom will never let you do that.
It was my idea, Kevin.
Now that crazy hillbillies are shooting up the police station,
this job is too dangerous.
Normally, your mom has really shitty judgment,
like sucking off dentists,
but on this one, Kevin, I agree with her.
Fine! If neither one of you believes in me, you can have this badge.
- But you're not taking these from me. - Why the hell would we want those?
Dr. Funtlichter, is he going to live?
Not a single bullet even broke his skin.
They're all lodged in the fifth of his ten fat layers.
He's like a walking blob of ballistics gel.
The bullets are stuck in there pretty deep, though.
We'll have to come up with some way to extract them.
Now, Hobo Cop, you don't have to thank me for all those...
presents I got you.
Attention. Sniffles Pharmacy, robbery in progress.
Someone else will handle that. We're w-way too far away.
I see Betty! I'm coming, Betty!
Hobo Cop, don't go in there!
No, no, no!
Hobo Cop, you dead?
I saved Betty.
That's Betty?
I risked my life for a dress sock, a flip-flop, and a head of rotten cabbage?
That's not a dress sock. That's a jizz sock.
Hobo Cop, I need to know something.
How can you just walk through a bullet storm like that?
Don't you get afraid?
Hobos don't feel fear.
I used to be like you, riddled with anxiety.
Back then I was the CEO of a small company
called Berkshire Hathaway.
Holy shit. You don't seem the type.
Most CEOs don't have scraggly beards filled with feces.
Well, besides Richard Branson.
I gave up all my worldly possessions and learned the ways of the hobo.
I haven't felt fear since.
Can you teach me, Hobo Cop?
I don't know if it's the expired beans or all that Old Spice we drank,
but I think this shit is...
- Kevin, what's wrong, buddy? - I got fired.
And I was so close to finding Terry Two Toes.
Oh, he's easy to find.
You just gotta look in his secret hideout he told us not to tell nobody about.
Secret hideout? Where is it?
Oh, no. We swore we would never tell.
Well, if you can't "tell" me, can you show me?
Hell yeah, we can show you.
Dilbert and Robbie. Who's your friend?
Uh, that's my step-cousin, Galaga Dig Dug.
Italian fella, huh?
Where you two been anyway?
We got arrested. This Italian fella helped us get out.
Goddamn it! I'm sick of these pain-in-the-ass cops.
It's all the fault of that new anti-crime mayor.
But she won't be a problem much longer,
'cause I'm planning to take her out.
No, Mom!
I mean, uh...
Mamma mia! I'm-ah late for my flight back to Italy!
Them Italians are weird.
What was his name again?
Uh, it was Pole Position Pac-Man, Jr.
- Frogger Asteroid. - Sega Master System.
Yeah, that's it.
I'm sorry, Buster!
It was all my fault!
- Bullet! What's up, dog? - Buster!
- You went to heaven? - We all did.
These shitheads have some loose-ass membership standards.
Look, Buster, I want to say I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
OD-ing on argyle meth was the best thing that ever happened to me, man.
This place is awesome.
It's got an all-you-can-eat cat turd and vomit buffet.
So I have nothing to feel guilty about?
You know what this means, right?
I can do drugs again!
Suck my little red dick, guilt!
So Terry Two Toes is planning to kill me?
Wait, how do you know this?
I went to his secret hideout.
Kevin, I don't want you acting like you're still a cop.
You're gonna get yourself killed.
I'm at least going to keep an eye on you until this blows over.
No, I can take care of myself. Goodbye.
Everything okay? Are you ready to go out for a Red Lobster-ific supper?
I say we stay in and have some fun right here.
And since we are engaged now,
I think you should finally take your socks off during sex.
No, I don't like that kinky stuff.
Oh, you only have two toes.
Wait. You're Terry Two Toes!
Oh, my God!
At first, Dr. Dinkle was a cover.
Then I realized the money I'm making off meth
is peanuts compared to what I'll make off meth mouth
as the town's only dentist!
Don't you yell at me, Mickey Rooney, you son of a bitch.
Boys, it's time for Plan B.
Operation "Mayor saw my two toes, it's time to kill her."
Dad is not gonna believe this!
I don't believe this!
I'm almost kind of impressed that you uncovered all this on your own, Kevin
this place is heavily guarded and we're still out of bullets.
Do we have anything that we could use as a weapon?
Actually, I have an idea.
Remember how I got that A in metal shop? Well, if I put my...
You're not even a cop.
We don't need your rookie crossing guard ass getting in our way.
- Right, Chief? - Well, actually... Ooh.
I can't believe it. After everything I did for this case
you still don't trust me?
- Good luck. I'm leaving. - Kevin, I...
Well, I guess it's for the best.
The rest of you, get ready.
We are goin' in heavy.
I got this shit.
Hit me, Hobo Cop.
Ow! Stingy!
All right, Two Toes, it's over! Time to come with us.
Not so fast!
Did you really think I'd ever let you take me alive?
We`re all leaving this room the same way.
In pieces.
Leave this to me, Chief.
Me and my old friends.
All dogs go to heaven,
but sometimes they come back to raise a little hell.
Ow! Good Lord! Oh, God!
Bullet! What the hell are you doing?
Terry, I'll give you two seconds to drop that detonator.
What the hell are you supposed to be?
I'm just a crossing guard,
and I'm here to put a stop to this.
Okay, that shit was awesome.
Karen, I thought I was going to lose you,
and I have to admit,
I didn't sabotage your date just to get even with you.
I don't know if I'm saying this because my fiancee was made up,
or I just went through a traumatic experience,
or your frog neck looks slightly less disgusting in this light
but Red Lobster, tomorrow night, 8:00 p.m.?
It's a date.
It's an unhealthy rebound date, but I'll take it.
I got here first! Okay, this counts as my collar.
Congratulations, Terry. You're my 100th arrest.
- Ooh! Ooh! What'd I win? - A trip to the red zone.
Hey, Hobo Cop, defuse that bomb.
Put down the Gallagher tarp!
Hobo Cop isn't getting blown up today or any day.
He taught me to give up my worldly possessions,
so I cashed in my Chicago PD 401
and bought this.
A bomb-defusing robot.
Do the honors, Hobo Cop.
Aw, shit!
I didn't know Samsung made these!
All right, I admit it.
I've said some harsh things lately,
but you guys saved the day.
Thank you.
And, Kevin, I believe this belongs to you.
Sweet. Is Mom rehiring me?
No, I am.
Kevin, I was...
I was...
I was...
I was wrong.
Kevin, it was you who took down Terry Two Toes,
and as much as I didn't want you working here
because I thought you were an irresponsible fuck-up,
we'd all be dead without you.
Sure, I miss my balls,
but you mean almost more to me than they did.
I think I saw that on a Hallmark card.
I love you, Dad.
You're still my hero,
and I'm so excited to be your little rookie again.
Come here.
Don't wrinkle my shirt, you idiot!
I need to look my best. I have a date with your mama tonight.
I think I'll definitely be needing one of these.
Hey! Where are all my testosterone patches?
I guess you used 'em all to rage out on me over the video store.
I mean, I'm plumping up over it, but I'm a dog, whatever.
Oh, boss. Thank goodness. I knew you'd come let me out of here.
Hey, wait a second...