Pam & Tommy (2022): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
LENO: Gee, I never imagined
there was something sex-related
Pamela Anderson doesn't know.
PAM: All right, all right.
LENO: All right, all right.
Speaking of sex, and I have to ask...
-Yes?
-The tape.
-(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
-Oh, yeah, fellas, we all wanna know.
What tape, Jay?
All right. "What tape?" Yeah.
-Obviously, I haven't seen it.
-Of course not.
I want to. Just haven't
gotten a copy yet.
But there's a tape out there,
floating around, okay?
A lot of people are talking
about this tape,
particularly for some reason, men!
Huh! Imagine that.
Oh, I think we have.
Now, what's that like?
What's it like to have
that kind of exposure?
-(SCOFFS) What's it like?
-Yeah.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
(PAM AND TOMMY MOANING IN DISTANCE)
TOMMY: So fucking good.
(BOTH CRYING OUT)
-Do you like that?
-PAM: Yeah.
-Yeah!
-TOMMY: Yeah!
(PAM AND TOMMY MOANING)
PAM: Yeah, baby.
(PAM MOANS)
Oh, fuck me!
Oh, fuck my tight little pussy!
(PAM AND TOMMY MOAN)
TOMMY: Oh, God!
(BOTH CRYING OUT)
PAM: I'm gonna come, baby! Baby!
(BOTH SCREAMING WITH PLEASURE)
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
You okay, man?
Yeah, all good.
PAM: (IN DISTANCE) Yeah!
TOMMY: Yeah!
PAM: Yeah!
TOMMY: You like that?
(PAM MOANS)
PAM: Fuck me.
Fuck me.
TOMMY: I'm pounding. Fucking pounding.
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
TOMMY: I'm coming back.
I tried to warn you.
(DISTANT BANGING)
What's up, broskies?
How's it going?
Good.
(DRILLING AND HAMMERING)
Rad.
They're strong enough?
Plenty. 1,000 pound max.
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)
Whoo!
It's going to be sick, yo!
(LAUGHS)
You know what?
What if the bed
was over here?
Then you could be, like,
chilling in bed,
taking a little sexy shower action
and then...
Bam!
Mirror opens.
(MIMICS WHIRRING)
Fucking full 360 view.
How fucking pimp would that be? Huh?
Uh...
You know, that's really
more of a carpentry issue.
What do you say?
Uh...
I mean...
Is there a problem, bro?
I just finished this.
So?
You yank out a couple of nails.
It's just a little more complicated
than that.
How complicated can it be?
A couple of pieces of wood.
It's not impossible, man.
Then what's the problem?
(SIGHS)
Moving it at this stage,
it's gonna cost.
TOMMY: Cost?
I don't give a fuck about cost.
I sold 50 million albums.
You think I can't afford to fucking
move a bed 10 feet to the left?
No, of course, you can.
TOMMY: What did I say
when we first started the job?
"Money is no object."
Correctamundo.
Therefore, that being the case,
is there a reason you can't move the bed
a few feet to the left,
so that I can have a 360 view
of the shower in the retractable mirror?
No.
(SOFTLY) Great.
Then fucking do it.
Fucking dick.
-I put the bed exactly where he said.
-LONNIE: I know.
-We discussed it at length.
-I was there.
I'm like, "Are you sure
that's where you want the bed?"
He's like "I'm positive."
Then he just changes his mind.
It's like,
at least take responsibility for it,
you know, own up to it.
He acts like it's my fucking fault.
Like I picked a bad spot for his bed.
It's the same shit he pulled
with the light switches.
I remember.
He said he wanted them high,
then one day he comes in,
"No, no, no. I want them low."
That's bullshit, man.
We heard you say "high."
We all heard it.
What's happening here?
Fucking rock stars.
It's going to cost a grand
to move that bed frame, at least.
This guy already owes me $8,200.
Owes me almost 15.
You said he'd pay us half up front.
Are you sure?
Positive.
Then what the fuck?
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
Also, whole job
on my Discover card at 18% interest.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Fucking rock stars.
(POP SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)
(SINGING ALONG WITH RADIO)
(TV STATIC BUZZING)
RAND: Aren't you guys supposed to
give me a final warning or something?
WOMAN: (ON PHONE) That is your warning.
No, this is a notice.
Like, you didn't say, "If you don't pay
your bill by such and such day,
"we're going to cut off your cable."
You know, that would be a warning.
WOMAN: Our records indicate
you're three months past due.
Okay.
Well, thank you, Carol.
Argh!
Fuck!
(GRUNTS)
God damn it!
(GROANS)
(PAPER RUSTLING)
(HAMMERING AND DRILLING)
(CLICKING)
RAND: How much is this?
MAN: $8.62.
How much for two?
(CASH REGISTER BEEPING)
$5.33.
TOMMY: How's it going?
Oh.
Good.
Yo, you see
what the love chef's cooking up?
Yeah.
Tell 'em.
Hey. Yeah, it's a lot of stuff,
and, um, it's cool.
Dude, "cool" ain't the word, bro.
We're talking fucking futuristic,
state-of-the-art Love Pad 2000.
ACE: Yeah?
TOMMY: A stripper pole.
Fucking open shower,
shag carpet walls...
Oh, shit!
...Chinese swing, pillow pit,
big ass waterbed.
Bro, you ain't fucking around, huh?
I will be.
(OTHERS LAUGHING)
Me and Pam are gonna make some babies.
Excuse me. Sorry.
Did you say "waterbed" just now?
What?
RAND: Motherfucker wants a waterbed.
Are you sure he said that?
Waterbed.
Maybe he meant it, like, figuratively.
Waterbed is not a metaphor, man.
He meant... He meant a real waterbed.
Oh, my God! He is...
He's a fucking...
Out of his mind is what he is.
A waterbed is a whole other set up.
You need a heater, you need a liner bed,
you need an elevated deck.
All that costs money.
A fuckload of money.
You'll just have to explain it to him.
-Me?
-You're the structure guy.
This is a budget issue.
He's going to have
construction questions.
-You're way better equipped to explain.
-No.
Fuck, no. I'm not talking to that guy.
-Fine, we'll flip for it.
-I would like that.
Heads or tails?
-Tails all day.
-Heads.
(SINGING)
Get outta my face
You're a total damn disgrace
Go and buy a fuckin' clue
You can't tell me what to do
It's my world, bitch
Back to back to the wall
My world, bitch
You ain't got the balls
You ain't got the balls
Whoo!
(GRUNTING)
Hey, uh, yo, about the waterbed.
They're expensive, man.
(PANTING)
LONNIE: What did he say?
"Mino?"
Turn it over.
"Money is no object."
He says, the waterbed is non-negotiable,
that it's a key part of his vision.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Only if he pays up front,
-any and all overages.
-That's right, yes. Yes.
Good. You let him know.
Me?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE)
(BAND LAUGHING)
-Oh, shit!
-Whoa, dude!
-How fucking dope is that?
-Dude.
Fucking Colt Combat Commander 1911.
Custom engraved,
fucking mother of pearl grip.
-ACE: No.
-Yes.
-Shit you not.
-(ACE CHUCKLES)
It's one of these bad boys, huh?
-Oh, this little jammie?
-Yeah.
Set me back about 7 Gs.
Worth every penny.
Best paparazzi repellent money can buy.
Blam! Whoo!
See you, bitch!
So I talked to Lonnie, the contractor.
I know who Lonnie is.
Oh, cool. Yeah.
So we can do the waterbed.
Mmm. Right on.
It's gonna cost significantly more.
Whatevs.
And it's just, uh...
What?
We'd like you to pay us up front.
You think I'm not good for it?
No, obviously, that's not the case.
I can't afford a waterbed?
I'm not saying that.
What the fuck you saying, bitch?
I'm saying nothing.
I'm not saying shit.
(CRIES OUT)
(LAUGHS)
I'm funning you.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Dude, it's empty. I'm funning you.
The fucking look on his face.
I'll pay up front.
-No problemo.
-ACE: He's got money, dude.
He's not poor.
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)
I'm not opening it.
Not until I get
fucking reimbursed for it.
I'll talk to him.
No.
I got this.
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
-What the fuck?
-I'm sorry. I thought... I'm sorry.
I thought, uh...
I thought you were your husband.
You thought I was my husband?
No. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
PAM: Tommy!
LONNIE: What's up?
What happened?
Fuck!
Rand?
-Rand?
-TOMMY: You fucking dick.
-What the fuck, bro?
-No, no, look!
-You fucking perving on my wife?
-I was not.
-Hey.
-You were full on creeping.
I swear, I wasn't! I was not.
You're calling my wife a liar?
No, no, it was a mistake, man.
Please. I was looking for you.
What the fuck
you were looking for me for?
-Huh?
-(GASPS) For the money.
The money.
We were very clear
that before we do any more work,
we have to be reimbursed.
That's all.
(CHUCKLES)
Hmm.
Hmm.
Look at this. Hmm?
Fucking shoddy-ass work.
The tiles? They're not sealed yet.
(CHUCKLES)
What the fuck kind of wood is this?
-That's Madagascan pine.
-Hmm.
Hmm.
Looks cheap.
It's one of the most expensive woods
on the planet.
Yeah.
You motherfuckers
are fucking ripping me off.
-We're ripping you off?
-Oh, yeah.
-You owe me $9,000.
-Me, 17.
Running up a bunch of phony,
bullshit overages.
They're not overages. They're charges.
For our work.
Well, guess what?
You ain't getting dick.
Because your work sucks
and I'm fucking done.
What, "done"?
-Yeah.
-What does that mean?
It means you're fucking fired.
(SIGHS)
Get the fuck out of my house.
We should sue.
We should sue
his arrogant rock star ass.
Legal fees. Mmm-hmm.
Maybe more than what he owes,
if we even won.
Of course, we'd win.
(SCOFFS)
He'll probably hire
some fucking dream team.
OJ's guys or some shit.
You're going to let him bend you over
and fuck you in the ass?
Pass the lube.
You know what?
It's all right.
Because he will get
what is coming to him.
-What you're talking about?
-I'm talking about karma.
Happiness comes
through the good actions.
Suffering results from evil actions.
The Mahabharata.
Maha... What?
Mahabharata.
One of the two major Sanskrit epics
of ancient India.
The other one being the Ramayana,
which is also very good.
-Huh?
-I'm a bit of an amateur theologian.
I study religion.
Why?
Because it's beautiful.
The righteous, they get rewarded.
The wicked, they get punished.
Karma?
It's karma.
I hope the universe kicks that rock star
motherfucker square in his nuts.
It will.
I have full fucking faith.
(SOFTLY) Fuck!
(MACHINE BEEPS)
-KENZO: (ON INTERCOM) Hello.
-Hey, Kenzo.
Rand Gauthier.
Could you buzz me in please, real quick?
Who?
Rand Gauthier. I'm a carpenter.
You have an appointment?
No, I'm part... I've...
I've been working here the last
few months and I just forgot some stuff.
I came here to grab it.
Mr. Lee, he know you coming?
Uh-huh.
Hey. Thanks so much, Kenzo.
Forgot my keys, you know, so...
Let yourself out.
Hello?
(GUN COCKS)
TOMMY: Freeze, motherfucker!
Turn around.
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
Just getting my tools.
Your tools?
Yeah.
Nah, bro.
That shit is mine.
That is fucking collateral
for leaving me in the lurch.
You fired us.
Now I got to bring in a whole new crew.
Do you have any idea
what that's gonna cost?
A fucking fortune.
After all that, you think I'm gonna just
let you waltz back in here
to take back your tools?
Dude.
You ain't walking out of here with shit!
You ain't walking out
with a fucking wingnut.
(CHORTLES)
Put down the toolbox.
Now get the fuck off my property.
(PANTING)
MAN: Come on, just this once.
WOMAN: It's always "just this once."
You take him tonight,
I'll do the next three weekends.
-What's her name?
-Whose name?
The floozy that's more important
than your son.
-There's no floozy.
-No? Then what's the big emergency?
MAN: Something came up, all right.
I got plans.
-Plans?
-Yeah, that's right.
WOMAN: What kind of plans?
MAN: The kind of plans that are
none of your fucking business.
Now, are you gonna help me or not?
-(WOMAN SIGHS)
-Fine! Fuck it!
Listen, buddy.
Under no circumstances are you allowed
to leave this room. Understood?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
MAN: We did Bye Bye Birdie together
on Broadway.
He's a great guy.
Speaking of great guys, you know who
I had lunch with the other day?
-Who?
-Robert Vaughn.
WOMAN: Robert Vaughn? You know everyone.
MAN: That's right.
That's right, I do.
(SCREAMS)
You're a worthless piece of shit.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(LAUGHTER ON TV)
MAN: (ON TV)
We got nothing to lose, baby!
(PHONE RINGING)
-If I want to get laid...
-Oh, fuck.
...all I got to do is leave town!
Hello?
We're going to take that asshole
down a peg.
I thought karma was handling that.
I am karma and I'm a bitch.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
LONNIE: Rand, long time no see.
What the fuck is this?
Times the new crew came and went
in August and September.
Paparazzi arrivals and departures.
Tommy and Pamela sleep hours.
Damn!
WAITRESS: Are you ready?
Yes.
We certainly are.
We enter here.
The shortest point of the fence.
We exit through here.
This gate opens automatically
from the inside.
Easy-peasy.
Not so fast.
There's still the not so small issue
of this security camera.
Disable it.
They'll still see us on the approach.
Aren't we going to be wearing ski masks?
Disguising our identity
is not the problem.
This security camera's connected
to a 24-hour off-site surveillance team.
They see us coming,
cops will be rolling up
before we get to the garage.
So, we're screwed?
Not if they don't see us coming.
You really think this is gonna work?
The quality on these cameras is shit.
As long as we stand on all fours,
we will look like that dog.
I don't know about this, man.
I used to install them, okay?
The feed, it's like
the fucking Moon landing.
Maybe this isn't such a good idea.
You're getting cold feet on me?
(EXHALES)
We could go to jail.
No one's going to jail.
It's...
(WHISPERS) It's a crime.
We're committing a crime.
What we're doing
is getting our money back
in a slightly different form.
-This stuff in there?
-Yeah?
What if it's worth more?
-Than he owes us?
-Mmm-hmm.
That is compentory damages
for our pain and our suffering.
People spill hot coffee on themselves
at McDonald's, they get $50 million.
You don't think after
the hell he put us through,
we deserve a measly
couple hundred grand?
I think we do.
Isn't it "compensatory"?
I don't know what you're talking about.
"Compensatory damages."
Compentory.
Pretty sure the word is "compensatory".
Compentory.
"Compensatory."
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
LONNIE: (ON PHONE) Hello?
Tomorrow, 0300 hours,
we strike.
Hello?
You there?
Yo, what's the matter, man?
Um...
I don't think
I'm going to go with you, man.
What do you mean?
Motherfucker!
(GRUNTS AND GROANS)
(SQUEAKING)
(CLATTERING)
(RAND GRUNTING)
(STRAINING)
(PANTING)
(GRUNTING)
-(METAL CLANGS)
-Shit! Shit!
Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
Oh, shit.
Fuck!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, my God!
(STRAINING)
Good morning, my sweet love.
I'll go make some coffee.
I think we're out.
TOMMY: There's more in the garage.
How's it going?
Yeah, it's good.
Word.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
(CLICKS TONGUE)
(DRILLING)
MAN: (ON TV) Come here, boy!
And can't we take
that stupid thing off him?
WOMAN: (ON TV) No! The vet said if he
scratches the scabs, they'll never heal.
And I have noticed that if you sit him
next to the telly,
Channel 5 comes in a lot clearer.
(CANNED LAUGHTER ON TV)
MAN: Look at him, he's humiliated!
WOMAN: Yeah, well, it doesn't help that
that bully upstairs keeps rubbing it in.
MAN: You tell him, boy!
-WOMAN: (ON PHONE) Ingley Studios.
-Yes. Is Miltie there, please?
WOMAN: Who may I say is calling?
Austin Moore.
I'm afraid that's not good enough.
I'm afraid I might have to review your
briefs.
Well, my briefs
are right here.
(WOMAN BREATHING HEAVILY)
MILTIE: Great.
-(WOMAN MOANING)
-Great. Slow, slow down, Jeff.
All right, now really get in there.
Yeah, give her the full menu.
Steve, bring this Par Can up.
Bump it up to 50.
Austin?
(WOMAN MOANING)
(SOFTLY) Hey.
What's shaking, man?
-Long time.
-I know. It's been forever.
What brings you by?
You looking for work?
Carpentry? Anal?
I was actually...
Do you have a minute?
Yeah, I got about 10.
I'll be right back. Just slow...
Come on.
Business looks like it's going great.
Dude, the Valley is fucking booming.
AVN projects
were gonna hit three billion by 1997.
Three billion!
Did you know more people
are now watching movies
at home on VHS than in theaters?
-Seriously?
-Yeah.
Tracy? Hey, is that the new thing...
Is it called a landing strip?
-TRACY: Yeah.
-I love it.
-I love it. You should do one too.
-Hey, Tracy.
Jeff, you're up in 25.
Let's get it stiff.
Yeah, the VCR is king,
and we have just the hard black object
people wanna stick in their slots.
I'm thinking about opening my own chain
of adult video stores.
Cockbuster.
Like "Blockbuster," but "cock."
Exactly.
(MILTIE LAUGHS)
RAND: Oh, shit.
(CHUCKLES)
How young I look.
You remember this?
(CHUCKLES)
Mmm. That thing is still
on our back catalog top 25.
Totally deserves to be.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
So what did you wanna talk about?
Can you play Hi8?
Yeah, that's what we do.
All right.
Let's see what we got.
PAM: (ON TAPE) Yeah, he had a big penis.
TOMMY: (ON TAPE) How big was it now?
PAM: How big? Show us.
-What the fuck is this?
-TOMMY: Wow.
Just fast forward.
-TOMMY: Wow.
-(PAM LAUGHS ON TAPE)
Holy shit! That's Pamela Anderson.
TOMMY: What you doing?
Uh...
-Yeah. It is.
-TOMMY: I don't understand.
-Where you going?
-Keep going.
MILTIE: Who's this guy?
Tommy Lee Dickhead.
Keep going forward.
Where'd you get this?
RAND: Just keep fast forwarding.
(GASPS)
Go back, go back, go back.
Play, play, play.
PAM: Yeah, babe.
I love you so fucking much.
-Yeah, give it to me.
-TOMMY: You're my fucking wife.
PAM: I want those babies.
Yeah, give it to me, baby.
-TOMMY: Fuck!
-(PAM AND TOMMY MOANING)
(BOTH CRYING OUT)
PAM: Baby.
-Holy fuck!
-PAM: Yeah, baby.
PAM: Oh, my God.
LENO: Gee, I never imagined
there was something sex-related
Pamela Anderson doesn't know.
PAM: All right, all right.
LENO: All right, all right.
Speaking of sex, and I have to ask...
-Yes?
-The tape.
-(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
-Oh, yeah, fellas, we all wanna know.
What tape, Jay?
All right. "What tape?" Yeah.
-Obviously, I haven't seen it.
-Of course not.
I want to. Just haven't
gotten a copy yet.
But there's a tape out there,
floating around, okay?
A lot of people are talking
about this tape,
particularly for some reason, men!
Huh! Imagine that.
Oh, I think we have.
Now, what's that like?
What's it like to have
that kind of exposure?
-(SCOFFS) What's it like?
-Yeah.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
(PAM AND TOMMY MOANING IN DISTANCE)
TOMMY: So fucking good.
(BOTH CRYING OUT)
-Do you like that?
-PAM: Yeah.
-Yeah!
-TOMMY: Yeah!
(PAM AND TOMMY MOANING)
PAM: Yeah, baby.
(PAM MOANS)
Oh, fuck me!
Oh, fuck my tight little pussy!
(PAM AND TOMMY MOAN)
TOMMY: Oh, God!
(BOTH CRYING OUT)
PAM: I'm gonna come, baby! Baby!
(BOTH SCREAMING WITH PLEASURE)
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
You okay, man?
Yeah, all good.
PAM: (IN DISTANCE) Yeah!
TOMMY: Yeah!
PAM: Yeah!
TOMMY: You like that?
(PAM MOANS)
PAM: Fuck me.
Fuck me.
TOMMY: I'm pounding. Fucking pounding.
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
TOMMY: I'm coming back.
I tried to warn you.
(DISTANT BANGING)
What's up, broskies?
How's it going?
Good.
(DRILLING AND HAMMERING)
Rad.
They're strong enough?
Plenty. 1,000 pound max.
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)
Whoo!
It's going to be sick, yo!
(LAUGHS)
You know what?
What if the bed
was over here?
Then you could be, like,
chilling in bed,
taking a little sexy shower action
and then...
Bam!
Mirror opens.
(MIMICS WHIRRING)
Fucking full 360 view.
How fucking pimp would that be? Huh?
Uh...
You know, that's really
more of a carpentry issue.
What do you say?
Uh...
I mean...
Is there a problem, bro?
I just finished this.
So?
You yank out a couple of nails.
It's just a little more complicated
than that.
How complicated can it be?
A couple of pieces of wood.
It's not impossible, man.
Then what's the problem?
(SIGHS)
Moving it at this stage,
it's gonna cost.
TOMMY: Cost?
I don't give a fuck about cost.
I sold 50 million albums.
You think I can't afford to fucking
move a bed 10 feet to the left?
No, of course, you can.
TOMMY: What did I say
when we first started the job?
"Money is no object."
Correctamundo.
Therefore, that being the case,
is there a reason you can't move the bed
a few feet to the left,
so that I can have a 360 view
of the shower in the retractable mirror?
No.
(SOFTLY) Great.
Then fucking do it.
Fucking dick.
-I put the bed exactly where he said.
-LONNIE: I know.
-We discussed it at length.
-I was there.
I'm like, "Are you sure
that's where you want the bed?"
He's like "I'm positive."
Then he just changes his mind.
It's like,
at least take responsibility for it,
you know, own up to it.
He acts like it's my fucking fault.
Like I picked a bad spot for his bed.
It's the same shit he pulled
with the light switches.
I remember.
He said he wanted them high,
then one day he comes in,
"No, no, no. I want them low."
That's bullshit, man.
We heard you say "high."
We all heard it.
What's happening here?
Fucking rock stars.
It's going to cost a grand
to move that bed frame, at least.
This guy already owes me $8,200.
Owes me almost 15.
You said he'd pay us half up front.
Are you sure?
Positive.
Then what the fuck?
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
Also, whole job
on my Discover card at 18% interest.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Fucking rock stars.
(POP SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)
(SINGING ALONG WITH RADIO)
(TV STATIC BUZZING)
RAND: Aren't you guys supposed to
give me a final warning or something?
WOMAN: (ON PHONE) That is your warning.
No, this is a notice.
Like, you didn't say, "If you don't pay
your bill by such and such day,
"we're going to cut off your cable."
You know, that would be a warning.
WOMAN: Our records indicate
you're three months past due.
Okay.
Well, thank you, Carol.
Argh!
Fuck!
(GRUNTS)
God damn it!
(GROANS)
(PAPER RUSTLING)
(HAMMERING AND DRILLING)
(CLICKING)
RAND: How much is this?
MAN: $8.62.
How much for two?
(CASH REGISTER BEEPING)
$5.33.
TOMMY: How's it going?
Oh.
Good.
Yo, you see
what the love chef's cooking up?
Yeah.
Tell 'em.
Hey. Yeah, it's a lot of stuff,
and, um, it's cool.
Dude, "cool" ain't the word, bro.
We're talking fucking futuristic,
state-of-the-art Love Pad 2000.
ACE: Yeah?
TOMMY: A stripper pole.
Fucking open shower,
shag carpet walls...
Oh, shit!
...Chinese swing, pillow pit,
big ass waterbed.
Bro, you ain't fucking around, huh?
I will be.
(OTHERS LAUGHING)
Me and Pam are gonna make some babies.
Excuse me. Sorry.
Did you say "waterbed" just now?
What?
RAND: Motherfucker wants a waterbed.
Are you sure he said that?
Waterbed.
Maybe he meant it, like, figuratively.
Waterbed is not a metaphor, man.
He meant... He meant a real waterbed.
Oh, my God! He is...
He's a fucking...
Out of his mind is what he is.
A waterbed is a whole other set up.
You need a heater, you need a liner bed,
you need an elevated deck.
All that costs money.
A fuckload of money.
You'll just have to explain it to him.
-Me?
-You're the structure guy.
This is a budget issue.
He's going to have
construction questions.
-You're way better equipped to explain.
-No.
Fuck, no. I'm not talking to that guy.
-Fine, we'll flip for it.
-I would like that.
Heads or tails?
-Tails all day.
-Heads.
(SINGING)
Get outta my face
You're a total damn disgrace
Go and buy a fuckin' clue
You can't tell me what to do
It's my world, bitch
Back to back to the wall
My world, bitch
You ain't got the balls
You ain't got the balls
Whoo!
(GRUNTING)
Hey, uh, yo, about the waterbed.
They're expensive, man.
(PANTING)
LONNIE: What did he say?
"Mino?"
Turn it over.
"Money is no object."
He says, the waterbed is non-negotiable,
that it's a key part of his vision.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Only if he pays up front,
-any and all overages.
-That's right, yes. Yes.
Good. You let him know.
Me?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE)
(BAND LAUGHING)
-Oh, shit!
-Whoa, dude!
-How fucking dope is that?
-Dude.
Fucking Colt Combat Commander 1911.
Custom engraved,
fucking mother of pearl grip.
-ACE: No.
-Yes.
-Shit you not.
-(ACE CHUCKLES)
It's one of these bad boys, huh?
-Oh, this little jammie?
-Yeah.
Set me back about 7 Gs.
Worth every penny.
Best paparazzi repellent money can buy.
Blam! Whoo!
See you, bitch!
So I talked to Lonnie, the contractor.
I know who Lonnie is.
Oh, cool. Yeah.
So we can do the waterbed.
Mmm. Right on.
It's gonna cost significantly more.
Whatevs.
And it's just, uh...
What?
We'd like you to pay us up front.
You think I'm not good for it?
No, obviously, that's not the case.
I can't afford a waterbed?
I'm not saying that.
What the fuck you saying, bitch?
I'm saying nothing.
I'm not saying shit.
(CRIES OUT)
(LAUGHS)
I'm funning you.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Dude, it's empty. I'm funning you.
The fucking look on his face.
I'll pay up front.
-No problemo.
-ACE: He's got money, dude.
He's not poor.
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)
I'm not opening it.
Not until I get
fucking reimbursed for it.
I'll talk to him.
No.
I got this.
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
-What the fuck?
-I'm sorry. I thought... I'm sorry.
I thought, uh...
I thought you were your husband.
You thought I was my husband?
No. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
PAM: Tommy!
LONNIE: What's up?
What happened?
Fuck!
Rand?
-Rand?
-TOMMY: You fucking dick.
-What the fuck, bro?
-No, no, look!
-You fucking perving on my wife?
-I was not.
-Hey.
-You were full on creeping.
I swear, I wasn't! I was not.
You're calling my wife a liar?
No, no, it was a mistake, man.
Please. I was looking for you.
What the fuck
you were looking for me for?
-Huh?
-(GASPS) For the money.
The money.
We were very clear
that before we do any more work,
we have to be reimbursed.
That's all.
(CHUCKLES)
Hmm.
Hmm.
Look at this. Hmm?
Fucking shoddy-ass work.
The tiles? They're not sealed yet.
(CHUCKLES)
What the fuck kind of wood is this?
-That's Madagascan pine.
-Hmm.
Hmm.
Looks cheap.
It's one of the most expensive woods
on the planet.
Yeah.
You motherfuckers
are fucking ripping me off.
-We're ripping you off?
-Oh, yeah.
-You owe me $9,000.
-Me, 17.
Running up a bunch of phony,
bullshit overages.
They're not overages. They're charges.
For our work.
Well, guess what?
You ain't getting dick.
Because your work sucks
and I'm fucking done.
What, "done"?
-Yeah.
-What does that mean?
It means you're fucking fired.
(SIGHS)
Get the fuck out of my house.
We should sue.
We should sue
his arrogant rock star ass.
Legal fees. Mmm-hmm.
Maybe more than what he owes,
if we even won.
Of course, we'd win.
(SCOFFS)
He'll probably hire
some fucking dream team.
OJ's guys or some shit.
You're going to let him bend you over
and fuck you in the ass?
Pass the lube.
You know what?
It's all right.
Because he will get
what is coming to him.
-What you're talking about?
-I'm talking about karma.
Happiness comes
through the good actions.
Suffering results from evil actions.
The Mahabharata.
Maha... What?
Mahabharata.
One of the two major Sanskrit epics
of ancient India.
The other one being the Ramayana,
which is also very good.
-Huh?
-I'm a bit of an amateur theologian.
I study religion.
Why?
Because it's beautiful.
The righteous, they get rewarded.
The wicked, they get punished.
Karma?
It's karma.
I hope the universe kicks that rock star
motherfucker square in his nuts.
It will.
I have full fucking faith.
(SOFTLY) Fuck!
(MACHINE BEEPS)
-KENZO: (ON INTERCOM) Hello.
-Hey, Kenzo.
Rand Gauthier.
Could you buzz me in please, real quick?
Who?
Rand Gauthier. I'm a carpenter.
You have an appointment?
No, I'm part... I've...
I've been working here the last
few months and I just forgot some stuff.
I came here to grab it.
Mr. Lee, he know you coming?
Uh-huh.
Hey. Thanks so much, Kenzo.
Forgot my keys, you know, so...
Let yourself out.
Hello?
(GUN COCKS)
TOMMY: Freeze, motherfucker!
Turn around.
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
Just getting my tools.
Your tools?
Yeah.
Nah, bro.
That shit is mine.
That is fucking collateral
for leaving me in the lurch.
You fired us.
Now I got to bring in a whole new crew.
Do you have any idea
what that's gonna cost?
A fucking fortune.
After all that, you think I'm gonna just
let you waltz back in here
to take back your tools?
Dude.
You ain't walking out of here with shit!
You ain't walking out
with a fucking wingnut.
(CHORTLES)
Put down the toolbox.
Now get the fuck off my property.
(PANTING)
MAN: Come on, just this once.
WOMAN: It's always "just this once."
You take him tonight,
I'll do the next three weekends.
-What's her name?
-Whose name?
The floozy that's more important
than your son.
-There's no floozy.
-No? Then what's the big emergency?
MAN: Something came up, all right.
I got plans.
-Plans?
-Yeah, that's right.
WOMAN: What kind of plans?
MAN: The kind of plans that are
none of your fucking business.
Now, are you gonna help me or not?
-(WOMAN SIGHS)
-Fine! Fuck it!
Listen, buddy.
Under no circumstances are you allowed
to leave this room. Understood?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
MAN: We did Bye Bye Birdie together
on Broadway.
He's a great guy.
Speaking of great guys, you know who
I had lunch with the other day?
-Who?
-Robert Vaughn.
WOMAN: Robert Vaughn? You know everyone.
MAN: That's right.
That's right, I do.
(SCREAMS)
You're a worthless piece of shit.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(LAUGHTER ON TV)
MAN: (ON TV)
We got nothing to lose, baby!
(PHONE RINGING)
-If I want to get laid...
-Oh, fuck.
...all I got to do is leave town!
Hello?
We're going to take that asshole
down a peg.
I thought karma was handling that.
I am karma and I'm a bitch.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
LONNIE: Rand, long time no see.
What the fuck is this?
Times the new crew came and went
in August and September.
Paparazzi arrivals and departures.
Tommy and Pamela sleep hours.
Damn!
WAITRESS: Are you ready?
Yes.
We certainly are.
We enter here.
The shortest point of the fence.
We exit through here.
This gate opens automatically
from the inside.
Easy-peasy.
Not so fast.
There's still the not so small issue
of this security camera.
Disable it.
They'll still see us on the approach.
Aren't we going to be wearing ski masks?
Disguising our identity
is not the problem.
This security camera's connected
to a 24-hour off-site surveillance team.
They see us coming,
cops will be rolling up
before we get to the garage.
So, we're screwed?
Not if they don't see us coming.
You really think this is gonna work?
The quality on these cameras is shit.
As long as we stand on all fours,
we will look like that dog.
I don't know about this, man.
I used to install them, okay?
The feed, it's like
the fucking Moon landing.
Maybe this isn't such a good idea.
You're getting cold feet on me?
(EXHALES)
We could go to jail.
No one's going to jail.
It's...
(WHISPERS) It's a crime.
We're committing a crime.
What we're doing
is getting our money back
in a slightly different form.
-This stuff in there?
-Yeah?
What if it's worth more?
-Than he owes us?
-Mmm-hmm.
That is compentory damages
for our pain and our suffering.
People spill hot coffee on themselves
at McDonald's, they get $50 million.
You don't think after
the hell he put us through,
we deserve a measly
couple hundred grand?
I think we do.
Isn't it "compensatory"?
I don't know what you're talking about.
"Compensatory damages."
Compentory.
Pretty sure the word is "compensatory".
Compentory.
"Compensatory."
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
LONNIE: (ON PHONE) Hello?
Tomorrow, 0300 hours,
we strike.
Hello?
You there?
Yo, what's the matter, man?
Um...
I don't think
I'm going to go with you, man.
What do you mean?
Motherfucker!
(GRUNTS AND GROANS)
(SQUEAKING)
(CLATTERING)
(RAND GRUNTING)
(STRAINING)
(PANTING)
(GRUNTING)
-(METAL CLANGS)
-Shit! Shit!
Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
Oh, shit.
Fuck!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, my God!
(STRAINING)
Good morning, my sweet love.
I'll go make some coffee.
I think we're out.
TOMMY: There's more in the garage.
How's it going?
Yeah, it's good.
Word.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
(CLICKS TONGUE)
(DRILLING)
MAN: (ON TV) Come here, boy!
And can't we take
that stupid thing off him?
WOMAN: (ON TV) No! The vet said if he
scratches the scabs, they'll never heal.
And I have noticed that if you sit him
next to the telly,
Channel 5 comes in a lot clearer.
(CANNED LAUGHTER ON TV)
MAN: Look at him, he's humiliated!
WOMAN: Yeah, well, it doesn't help that
that bully upstairs keeps rubbing it in.
MAN: You tell him, boy!
-WOMAN: (ON PHONE) Ingley Studios.
-Yes. Is Miltie there, please?
WOMAN: Who may I say is calling?
Austin Moore.
I'm afraid that's not good enough.
I'm afraid I might have to review your
briefs.
Well, my briefs
are right here.
(WOMAN BREATHING HEAVILY)
MILTIE: Great.
-(WOMAN MOANING)
-Great. Slow, slow down, Jeff.
All right, now really get in there.
Yeah, give her the full menu.
Steve, bring this Par Can up.
Bump it up to 50.
Austin?
(WOMAN MOANING)
(SOFTLY) Hey.
What's shaking, man?
-Long time.
-I know. It's been forever.
What brings you by?
You looking for work?
Carpentry? Anal?
I was actually...
Do you have a minute?
Yeah, I got about 10.
I'll be right back. Just slow...
Come on.
Business looks like it's going great.
Dude, the Valley is fucking booming.
AVN projects
were gonna hit three billion by 1997.
Three billion!
Did you know more people
are now watching movies
at home on VHS than in theaters?
-Seriously?
-Yeah.
Tracy? Hey, is that the new thing...
Is it called a landing strip?
-TRACY: Yeah.
-I love it.
-I love it. You should do one too.
-Hey, Tracy.
Jeff, you're up in 25.
Let's get it stiff.
Yeah, the VCR is king,
and we have just the hard black object
people wanna stick in their slots.
I'm thinking about opening my own chain
of adult video stores.
Cockbuster.
Like "Blockbuster," but "cock."
Exactly.
(MILTIE LAUGHS)
RAND: Oh, shit.
(CHUCKLES)
How young I look.
You remember this?
(CHUCKLES)
Mmm. That thing is still
on our back catalog top 25.
Totally deserves to be.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
So what did you wanna talk about?
Can you play Hi8?
Yeah, that's what we do.
All right.
Let's see what we got.
PAM: (ON TAPE) Yeah, he had a big penis.
TOMMY: (ON TAPE) How big was it now?
PAM: How big? Show us.
-What the fuck is this?
-TOMMY: Wow.
Just fast forward.
-TOMMY: Wow.
-(PAM LAUGHS ON TAPE)
Holy shit! That's Pamela Anderson.
TOMMY: What you doing?
Uh...
-Yeah. It is.
-TOMMY: I don't understand.
-Where you going?
-Keep going.
MILTIE: Who's this guy?
Tommy Lee Dickhead.
Keep going forward.
Where'd you get this?
RAND: Just keep fast forwarding.
(GASPS)
Go back, go back, go back.
Play, play, play.
PAM: Yeah, babe.
I love you so fucking much.
-Yeah, give it to me.
-TOMMY: You're my fucking wife.
PAM: I want those babies.
Yeah, give it to me, baby.
-TOMMY: Fuck!
-(PAM AND TOMMY MOANING)
(BOTH CRYING OUT)
PAM: Baby.
-Holy fuck!
-PAM: Yeah, baby.
PAM: Oh, my God.