Painting with John (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
What ?
PAINTING WITH JOHN
Hello, and welcome to
Painting With John season two...
the show where I do not teach you
how to paint.
I was watching this thing on TV
and there was a commercial
where this couple who is calling in
to order pizza...
and their teeth were so white...
That my TV shattered
and fell to the floor.
That didn't really happen but
their teeth were very white.
And you just wonder why.
Why do you want to look like that ?
I just imagine these people leaving the
house and people on the street going,
"My eyes ! Oh !"
Human beings don't look like that...
And every time you turn on TV it's like
the person had eight plastic surgeries
and there's a team of cosmetic people
making them look...
I don't know like what,
like
like a scoured piece of plastic.
I believe that human beings should
shine but not like that.
Shine from within.
Kind of bad for the kids, no ? I mean,
kids see this shit and it's like,
"Well, I gotta get my nose fixed,
I've gotta get my ears fixed, I have to
get botox, I have to get braces,
I have to change everything
so I look perfect."
When it's not perfect at all,
it's just
not human...
But we had a dilemma, I mean,
and we did the first season and we were
just doing it for ourselves,
it wasn't a season, me and Erik
were just making this thing.
But when we were putting it together to
send off to HBO
we're watching it down
and there's a scene when I'm out
on the porch and there's this jungle of
hair growing out of my ears
and it's kind of,
I mean, it's acceptable
if you live in the jungle and you're
living alone or with one other person.
But if it's going to HBO
you can't really have a jungle of hair
coming out of your ear.
So...
then it's like, what, do I have
a makeup person come down here ?
I'm not going to do that,
I'm absolutely not going to do that.
I'm against that so...
So I just wanna... somebody could
come and make me look really good
so I just want it recognized that
I have...
I have sacrificed my handsomeness for
humanity.
Recognize it...
I have to be completely candid that...
Nesrin was going to sleep and
she's left out this makeup
that I've applied myself,
I don't know how that's going to look
but
I haven't been sleeping so I have
these dark circles under my eyes
and I imagine that somebody would be
flicking through the channels and go,
"Honey, there's a talking raccoon on
this channel
and he's painting."
I am the law of these here parts.
Some dollars are deadlier than others.
Varmints.
Roll them out !
That was Cowboy Beckett
and I think you might be seeing a lot
of it because it was really fun to do.
Why is there anything
rather than nothing at all ?
The trees are telling me something.
We may die here today.
Rain's coming.
I don't like to waste food.
What ?
And then just as quickly as the rain
did come,
it vanished,
revealing a beautiful and sunny day.
When I was a kid like six, seven,
my parents were like devout atheists,
they just, they were atheists
but I knew there was something.
I knew there was something going on.
But I also felt like,
even when I was really young
it's like,
you don't pray to God
to ask for things,
that's not how it works.
But I knew that also there was
something going on and I was like,
after school
and the ice cream truck came
and I really wanted an ice cream
and I didn't have any money.
So I went back behind the school
and I got on my knees
and I prayed for a quarter.
And I knew God would give me a quarter.
I didn't know how he would do it
but I knew I would get a quarter,
I didn't know if I would find it
in the alley on the ground
or some kid I knew would just offer me
an ice cream
or the guy who ran the truck
would give me one for free.
But he was kind of a mean guy
and he had like eyes that went
two different directions,
he was never gonna give me
a free ice cream.
So I come out of the alley and I'm
wondering how the quarter's gonna come
and there's this pain in my nose,
it just like, it just hurt so much
and then a quarter fell out onto
my hand from out of my nose.
It was like, "Okay."
I was so young enough this really weird
thing didn't surprise me completely.
I'm new to the planet
and seeing how things go here
and a quarter coming out of my nose
was not shocking.
So I get in line for the ice cream
and just as I'm getting on the line
another quarter comes out
and goes flying out
and clanks onto the metal tray
the guy serves his ice cream on
and it goes bouncing over his shoulder
when he's got his back to it
and the guy thinks I've thrown
the quarter at him.
He looks at me with one eye and then
the other and he's pissed
but he did give me an ice cream cone...
And it didn't stop.
It would stop when I go to sleep but
otherwise when I was awake
the quarters would come out of my nose
like a couple a minute
and they'd kind of come flying out
and clank on the floor.
So, you know, I had to sit in the back
of the class
and kids were instructed
to not stare at me
but then the quarters would come.
Then the end of the day the janitor
would come and sweep the floor around,
I don't know what happened to those
quarters but I didn't get 'em.
And he'd clean 'em up
and put 'em in buckets
and then I'd walk home from school and
nobody would talk to me anymore
except the kids would follow me,
you know, with Kleenexes
and pick up the quarters, clean 'em off
and keep 'em.
And it was lonely, you know.
And then
there was this other kid, Nathan.
I really couldn't-- he was kind of dumb
and I didn't like him
but he had nickels that came out of his
nose
so I could hang out with Nathan,
we'd stand back to back, you know,
with the things coming out of our nose
and I hung out with Nathan but it was
a couple of years until it stopped.
Hello. And now, everyone's absolute
favorite, synchronized swimming.
What ?
When season one of this show came out
I got so many people saying,
"Oh, you live in paradise,
you are so lucky."
It is paradise.
We didn't show you the bad stuff,
I mean,
we left the bad stuff out.
So, our washing machine.
And then our backyard.
During the rainy season
there are these flash floods
so it's a backyard
and then suddenly it's a river.
And the garage just starts filling up
with water and we have to go in
and sweep the water out really fast or
the house will fill up with water...
And then
our water tank.
It's not really a tank,
it's cinder blocks with boards
and the water comes in and it sits
there and then it feeds the house,
except for we had this gigantic termite
next and so we had the, you know,
we had the option of showering,
brushing our teeth,
washing our dishes with the termites
in the water
or using this poison
that would kill the termites.
But then because it wasn't really
a tank
would take months
for all the poison to go away.
But we opted for the poison, you know,
rather than the termites cause
they were really eating the house.
You feel like you're going to wake up
one day and the ceiling would be gone.
And then every other year there's
a mosquito-born illness
that never existed before.
And about four years ago
it was chikungunya which was the worst
one and it swept through the Caribbean.
Some islands, it was 60, 70% of the
people had chikungunya.
And it was bad, a lot of people died.
A guy up the hill from me,
he had asthma and it killed him.
What it did was,
if you had anything wrong with you,
it would attack that part of your body
and make it ten times worse.
And since I have every illness known
to man I couldn't get chikungunya.
But mostly, I couldn't get chikungunya
because it's called chikungunya
and I just wasn't going to get it.
Fucking, no, I'm not going to get
chikungunya.
So there's all that
and then...
And then we had these bats.
And they're fruit bats so they're like,
they're as big as pigeons
and they come in like three at a time
and you can't help but, ugh !
No matter how hard you try
to stand in there,
you can't stop from ducking
when they come in.
So I invented this thing,
the Scare Bat.
I made it out of coat hangers
and I hung clothes on it
so it sort of dangled.
And the bats
would fly up to it and laugh
and then fly in the house for a while
and then fly out.
They always flew out, actually.
And then there was this thing of,
all these reviews are like, "I'd like
to hang out with John Lurie sometime,
he seems like a good person
to have a beer with."
But nobody who knows me
wants to hang out with me.
It might be because of when people
come by I show them this amazing thing
I can do with my toes...
I would show you here but
I'm saving it for my Netflix special,
Amazing Things I Can Do With My Toes.
The horror...
The horror.
I thought as I grew older, life would
make more sense. This is not that.
She loved him madly.
Every time Missionary Tom would speak,
it started to rain.
The Skeleton in my Closet
has Moved out to the Garden.
The Bird from Passaic.
PAINTING WITH JOHN
Hello, and welcome to
Painting With John season two...
the show where I do not teach you
how to paint.
I was watching this thing on TV
and there was a commercial
where this couple who is calling in
to order pizza...
and their teeth were so white...
That my TV shattered
and fell to the floor.
That didn't really happen but
their teeth were very white.
And you just wonder why.
Why do you want to look like that ?
I just imagine these people leaving the
house and people on the street going,
"My eyes ! Oh !"
Human beings don't look like that...
And every time you turn on TV it's like
the person had eight plastic surgeries
and there's a team of cosmetic people
making them look...
I don't know like what,
like
like a scoured piece of plastic.
I believe that human beings should
shine but not like that.
Shine from within.
Kind of bad for the kids, no ? I mean,
kids see this shit and it's like,
"Well, I gotta get my nose fixed,
I've gotta get my ears fixed, I have to
get botox, I have to get braces,
I have to change everything
so I look perfect."
When it's not perfect at all,
it's just
not human...
But we had a dilemma, I mean,
and we did the first season and we were
just doing it for ourselves,
it wasn't a season, me and Erik
were just making this thing.
But when we were putting it together to
send off to HBO
we're watching it down
and there's a scene when I'm out
on the porch and there's this jungle of
hair growing out of my ears
and it's kind of,
I mean, it's acceptable
if you live in the jungle and you're
living alone or with one other person.
But if it's going to HBO
you can't really have a jungle of hair
coming out of your ear.
So...
then it's like, what, do I have
a makeup person come down here ?
I'm not going to do that,
I'm absolutely not going to do that.
I'm against that so...
So I just wanna... somebody could
come and make me look really good
so I just want it recognized that
I have...
I have sacrificed my handsomeness for
humanity.
Recognize it...
I have to be completely candid that...
Nesrin was going to sleep and
she's left out this makeup
that I've applied myself,
I don't know how that's going to look
but
I haven't been sleeping so I have
these dark circles under my eyes
and I imagine that somebody would be
flicking through the channels and go,
"Honey, there's a talking raccoon on
this channel
and he's painting."
I am the law of these here parts.
Some dollars are deadlier than others.
Varmints.
Roll them out !
That was Cowboy Beckett
and I think you might be seeing a lot
of it because it was really fun to do.
Why is there anything
rather than nothing at all ?
The trees are telling me something.
We may die here today.
Rain's coming.
I don't like to waste food.
What ?
And then just as quickly as the rain
did come,
it vanished,
revealing a beautiful and sunny day.
When I was a kid like six, seven,
my parents were like devout atheists,
they just, they were atheists
but I knew there was something.
I knew there was something going on.
But I also felt like,
even when I was really young
it's like,
you don't pray to God
to ask for things,
that's not how it works.
But I knew that also there was
something going on and I was like,
after school
and the ice cream truck came
and I really wanted an ice cream
and I didn't have any money.
So I went back behind the school
and I got on my knees
and I prayed for a quarter.
And I knew God would give me a quarter.
I didn't know how he would do it
but I knew I would get a quarter,
I didn't know if I would find it
in the alley on the ground
or some kid I knew would just offer me
an ice cream
or the guy who ran the truck
would give me one for free.
But he was kind of a mean guy
and he had like eyes that went
two different directions,
he was never gonna give me
a free ice cream.
So I come out of the alley and I'm
wondering how the quarter's gonna come
and there's this pain in my nose,
it just like, it just hurt so much
and then a quarter fell out onto
my hand from out of my nose.
It was like, "Okay."
I was so young enough this really weird
thing didn't surprise me completely.
I'm new to the planet
and seeing how things go here
and a quarter coming out of my nose
was not shocking.
So I get in line for the ice cream
and just as I'm getting on the line
another quarter comes out
and goes flying out
and clanks onto the metal tray
the guy serves his ice cream on
and it goes bouncing over his shoulder
when he's got his back to it
and the guy thinks I've thrown
the quarter at him.
He looks at me with one eye and then
the other and he's pissed
but he did give me an ice cream cone...
And it didn't stop.
It would stop when I go to sleep but
otherwise when I was awake
the quarters would come out of my nose
like a couple a minute
and they'd kind of come flying out
and clank on the floor.
So, you know, I had to sit in the back
of the class
and kids were instructed
to not stare at me
but then the quarters would come.
Then the end of the day the janitor
would come and sweep the floor around,
I don't know what happened to those
quarters but I didn't get 'em.
And he'd clean 'em up
and put 'em in buckets
and then I'd walk home from school and
nobody would talk to me anymore
except the kids would follow me,
you know, with Kleenexes
and pick up the quarters, clean 'em off
and keep 'em.
And it was lonely, you know.
And then
there was this other kid, Nathan.
I really couldn't-- he was kind of dumb
and I didn't like him
but he had nickels that came out of his
nose
so I could hang out with Nathan,
we'd stand back to back, you know,
with the things coming out of our nose
and I hung out with Nathan but it was
a couple of years until it stopped.
Hello. And now, everyone's absolute
favorite, synchronized swimming.
What ?
When season one of this show came out
I got so many people saying,
"Oh, you live in paradise,
you are so lucky."
It is paradise.
We didn't show you the bad stuff,
I mean,
we left the bad stuff out.
So, our washing machine.
And then our backyard.
During the rainy season
there are these flash floods
so it's a backyard
and then suddenly it's a river.
And the garage just starts filling up
with water and we have to go in
and sweep the water out really fast or
the house will fill up with water...
And then
our water tank.
It's not really a tank,
it's cinder blocks with boards
and the water comes in and it sits
there and then it feeds the house,
except for we had this gigantic termite
next and so we had the, you know,
we had the option of showering,
brushing our teeth,
washing our dishes with the termites
in the water
or using this poison
that would kill the termites.
But then because it wasn't really
a tank
would take months
for all the poison to go away.
But we opted for the poison, you know,
rather than the termites cause
they were really eating the house.
You feel like you're going to wake up
one day and the ceiling would be gone.
And then every other year there's
a mosquito-born illness
that never existed before.
And about four years ago
it was chikungunya which was the worst
one and it swept through the Caribbean.
Some islands, it was 60, 70% of the
people had chikungunya.
And it was bad, a lot of people died.
A guy up the hill from me,
he had asthma and it killed him.
What it did was,
if you had anything wrong with you,
it would attack that part of your body
and make it ten times worse.
And since I have every illness known
to man I couldn't get chikungunya.
But mostly, I couldn't get chikungunya
because it's called chikungunya
and I just wasn't going to get it.
Fucking, no, I'm not going to get
chikungunya.
So there's all that
and then...
And then we had these bats.
And they're fruit bats so they're like,
they're as big as pigeons
and they come in like three at a time
and you can't help but, ugh !
No matter how hard you try
to stand in there,
you can't stop from ducking
when they come in.
So I invented this thing,
the Scare Bat.
I made it out of coat hangers
and I hung clothes on it
so it sort of dangled.
And the bats
would fly up to it and laugh
and then fly in the house for a while
and then fly out.
They always flew out, actually.
And then there was this thing of,
all these reviews are like, "I'd like
to hang out with John Lurie sometime,
he seems like a good person
to have a beer with."
But nobody who knows me
wants to hang out with me.
It might be because of when people
come by I show them this amazing thing
I can do with my toes...
I would show you here but
I'm saving it for my Netflix special,
Amazing Things I Can Do With My Toes.
The horror...
The horror.
I thought as I grew older, life would
make more sense. This is not that.
She loved him madly.
Every time Missionary Tom would speak,
it started to rain.
The Skeleton in my Closet
has Moved out to the Garden.
The Bird from Passaic.