Outsourced (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 21 - Rajiv Ties the Baraat - full transcript

Todd and Charlie decide to throw Rajiv an American bachelor party for Rajiv during his wedding, and Manmeet tries to make a good impression as his first meeting with his American girlfriend approaches.

Todd? Charlie? I want
your honest opinion, okay?

I'm worried that when Ashlynn
comes from America to see me,

she might
find me too...



Like an Indian version
of Woody from Toy Story?

What? Oh, yeah.
I can see it.

If he had the hat
and he went like this.

Uh, hello.

I'm worried she'll
think my chest is too...


Like an Indian version
of Woody from Toy Story?


I saw all these
pictures of American men.

Mark Wahlberg,
Channing Tatum.

So smooth, man.

Like tall,
muscular children.

Manmeet, it's not
that big of a deal.

I wouldn't
worry about it.

A lot of American
guys have chest hair.


Yeah, you've got to do
something about that.

So, what do you think?

That is perfect.

That will definitely
put a smile on her face.

Oh, so this is just a
big prank to you guys?

Not to me. I trim my hair in
the shape of a heart, too.

No, I don't
believe you.

All right. No, no,
no. That's okay.

Listen up, donkeys.

If you
receive an envelope,

you will not be coming to work tomorrow.

You can't fire me!

I've had good
numbers this month.

Fire Lata. She's been
stealing office supplies.

And I'm pretty sure
she's never been vaccinated.

No one is
getting fired.

These are invitations
to my wedding.


This one's for you.

Oh, thanks, Rajiv.

You know,
I think it's great that you're inviting

all the workers
to your wedding.

Vimi's father
will be impressed

that the workers respect me
enough to attend my wedding.

And here's
the best part.

Tradition dictates that everyone
gives me a gift of cash.

So, essentially,
you're charging the workers

to go to your wedding
to make you look good.

So perfect.

I thought about it all
night and I almost cried.

I think you've
got a typo here.

It says that the wedding starts
on Friday and ends on Sunday.

Yes, it lasts
all weekend.


What are we going be
doing for all that time?

It starts with the sangeet,
which is where friends and family

sing and perform skits.

Okay. Got it.
Don't come on the first day.

And then
there is the mehandi,

where women get henna
on their hands and feet.

And finally, there is
the baraat procession,

where I ride up
on a white horse.

And of course,
the ceremony itself,

where we walk around
a fire seven times.

I had a buddy whose marriage didn't
last as long as that description.


Rajiv, I don't know
if there was a mix-up,

but I didn't receive my
invitation to your wedding.

Anyway, consider this my verbal RSVP.

Gupta will attend.

Fish. Wait.

Veggie plate. Wait.

How is the fish
being prepared?

You know what?
Surprise me.

Here is a surprise.

You did not receive an invitation
because you're not invited.

And the reason
you weren't invited

is because you're too
valuable to leave the office.

We need you here.
Oh, of course.

You need me in charge of the call
center while you are both gone.

Gupta, listen to me.

You're not in charge.

I understand.

I am not in charge!

I think they bought it.


This feels right.

I have a caller who wants
to speak to the manager.

I'm busy.


I said buff, damn it.

How about I bring Gupta as my plus one?

Fine. But he has to
sit at the horse's table.

Ashlynn's meeting me at the hotel.

If I get one room,
it will be too forward.

But if I get two rooms, it will hurt
my chances of making love to her.

Well, why don't you get
one room with two beds?

Ah, he is good.

Then, she'll think I'm a gentleman.

Then, you can do the
"Continental Divide."

That's where she has one leg on
one bed and one leg on the other.

There's another version,
"London Bridge,"

but you have to get
housekeeping to act as tourists.


Uh, everything okay?
I wish.

I need one more person
in my wedding party

so I have the same
number as the bride.

Well, I'm sure you
have another relative.

No, I am out of relatives.

What I need now
is a true friend.

Looks like something fat
Steven Seagal would wear.

This is the traditional
outfit for the procession.

Okay, what do I have to do?

Just smile
and watch your step.

Because you're behind the horse.

I am psyched.

This is going
to be a blast.

Uh, Charlie, I don't think
you're invited to the wedding.

Screw the wedding!
That's not what I'm coming for.

You're practically
best man now.

Do you know
what that means?

I get to throw
the bachelor party!

Yeah! Bachelor party!

I'm going to call
all my buddies.

Bachelor party! Yeah!


All right.
I'll talk to you later.

Okay, bye.

Too bad this bachelor
party isn't in Michigan,

because I could call
Little Laura and Mini Mary.

They're dwarf

What is that smell?

If you play "What's That
Smell" on an Indian train,

we're going to
be here all day.

No, it's a good smell.
It's like pumpkin pie?

Oh! That might be
my Pumpkin Pie candle.

Whoa. Dude, what are you
doing with all these candles?

They're for Ashlynn.

They say your sense of smell can
trigger memories from childhood.

I want her to feel
comfortable in India.

Like she's at home.

They even have

a Christmas candle.

If it smells like Miller Lite,
a Greyhound bus station

and my dad's excuses,

that would be
my Christmas candle.

Oh, that reminds me.

What was your
most memorable meal?

What are you doing?

I'm trying out
conversation starters.

It was Christmas morning
in the Greyhound bus station.

I found a hair in
a vending machine sandwich.

My dad said it was probably Santa's.

"Why is it black,
Dad, huh?

"Why is it black?"

Look, man.
You don't need these.

Todd, me and Ashlynn have
only talked on the internet.

This is the first time
we'll be face to face.

I want to be prepared
for any awkward moments.

"Why is it black?"

Excuse me.
Oh, excuse me.

Hold on.
Coming through.

This train is
taking forever.

We're going to have to rehearse
our dance for the sangeet here.

Our what for the what?

The bhangra dance!

Oh, we're going
to surprise Rajiv.

Ah. Don't worry.
Your part is simple.

I do this.

All right.
What do I do?

Oh, you are the pole.

Yeah, if you could
be the pole,

I can cross something else off my
bachelor party list.

I wish Sunil would just
hurry up and get here.

I feel like such a loser
being by myself at a wedding.

Not as though there's anything
wrong with being alone at a wedding.

Or in life.

No, sometimes it's
better to be alone.

Like right now.

You look very nice.
Thank you.

But only women wear the scarf this way.

I'll do it quick. I don't want to
get you in trouble with Tonya again.

Ah, don't worry about that.
We broke up.


I'm sorry.
Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

It's hard to believe,

the girl you had sex with on the
break room table on your first date

didn't turn into
a lasting relationship.

Yeah. That's why
I like what we have.

All the judgment without any of that
physical stuff getting in the way.

Excuse me.

Oh, amazing.

Your friends
are very talented.

I know. I can't wait to see
what your friends have planned.

I told them
not to do anything.

I want this night
to be about you.

Oh, that's sweet.

But I don't think
they listened.


Pay attention, donkeys!

I am Rajiv.

People say I am mean.

When Shiva the Destroyer
is out sick,

they give me a ring.

Everyone calls me a brown-noser.
I guess it must be true.

Before I started working
at the call center,

I was white.


We love you!
You're a great guy.

But seriously, Vimi,

five hundred million men in
India and you pick this guy?

Five hundred million men?

we've got a problem.

I'm having a hard time finding a
stripper for the bachelor party.

For a country with so much
unintentional third-world nudity,

you'd think
it'd be easy.

Yeah, I haven't
had any luck either.

No one even knows
what a bachelor party is.

Tell me about it. There's no place
to buy offensive crap around here.

If someone opened a Spencer's Gifts,
they'd make a killing.

Another million dollar idea.
Spencer's Gifts, Mumbai.

I didn't want to have to do this,
but I'm going to call the office.

It's like watching
Beauty and the Beast.

Mid America Novelties,
how may I help you?

Hey, Pinky. It's Todd.

Hello, Todd.

How may I assist you
with your order?

It's Todd, your boss.

Oh, very good, Mr. Yerboss.
How may I assist you with your order?

No, Pinky.
Todd Dempsy,

the guy who runs
the call center?

Your boss?


Look, I need you to do me a favor.
I'm at Rajiv's wedding.

I need you to
go in the back of

the supply closet
and bring me

all the novelties
on the top shelf.

But you told us never to go in there.
That is the dirty shelf.

I know, and I'm sorry to ask you
to do this, but it's for Rajiv.

It is okay.

I go in there when
everyone's at lunch.

I don't need
to know that.

I've learned things.


Thank you. I'm Gupta.

Is that Ajeet?

Love is like a bird.

Love is like a bird.

Like a bird.

Soaring. Rising. Free.

Not caged. Not bound.
Not hidden.

Like a bird.

Let it soar.

Let it land
in your heart.

Like a bird.
Like a bird.

Like a bird.

What the hell was that?

Way to kill the mood.


Truly moving.


Oh, my.

Not today!



All right,
let's go to the room.


Yes, my precious flower?

Go to bed, donkey.

Gupta said I could keep the mustache.

Oh, I'm so glad
this is a thing now.

I like you.

Good night, sir.

Rajiv, if you had asked me six months
ago for my daughter's hand in marriage,

I would have said no.

Yes, I know. Because I asked you
six months ago and you said no.

Right, I did.

I forgot my point.
Anyway, welcome to the family.

Don't embarrass us.

You're a Mehta now.

Actually, Vimi is
going to take my name.

I'd hold off
on the monogrammed towels.

I noticed there were lots
of single men here tonight.

And one of them
even had his eye on you.

He wasn't
just looking at me.

Who are you talking about?
Who are you talking about?

The bus boy?
Ajeet... The bus boy!

See you.


What is the meaning of this?

It's your bachelor party,

Oh, how wonderful.

I cannot wait to enjoy
this American tradition.

Just give me one minute.

Please, sir!
Please help me! Let me go!

Let me go!

It's his first time.

So, here we are.


Here we are.

"Would you rather eat soup every
day for the rest of your life?"

Or never eat soup again?

Never eat soup again.

Keep in mind, stews count.

Still never.

Good to know.

Maybe you could
put some music on.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
That's a great idea.

Okay, I've got jazz, slow jazz,
smooth jams and world music.

Or as we call it here,

I don't care what it is,
as long as it's loud.

But then we won't be
able to...


Stop it!

All right, gentlemen.

It's time for the
evening's entertainment.

All right!

What the hell?

I couldn't get a dancer,
so I asked my buddy back in Kansas City

if he'd bring his phone
into a strip club.

All right, Rajiv.

We are streaming live,
nude girls.


All I see
is a dirty floor.


Oh, he has to hide his phone
every time he sees a bouncer.

Oh! Okay, here we go.

What the hell is that?

What fresh hell do you
have in store for me now?

Ah, look.

It's probably your
first bachelor party.

We're going to be drinking
and doing things we regret,

but we should keep it
within our own species.

I don't know, Todd.

The groom won't drink,
the stripper's buffering.

I say we put the bird
thing up for a vote.

Why not?

That is three for the bird.

What are you thinking?

I'm just happy
to be in India.

I was thinking I want
to roll up this moment,

tie it with a tiny bow
and put it in my back pocket.

Aw. That is so sweet.

Are you ready to
go again?

To the sex bed.

Now, untie me and
give me back my pants.


That's got to be the stripper
or my club sandwich is here.

Either way,
I'm undoing my belt.

What, you got
a stripper, too?

Yeah, I thought your cyber
thing would be a bust,

so I took matters
into my own hands.

And Pinky.

Please welcome
to the main stage

the woman I met outside
the hotel who's willing to

take off her clothes
for a reasonable price,

Kami Sutra!


You idiot!
Charlie, she's a hijra.

What's a hijra?

I think you refer
to them as transgender.

That explains how I got
her for a reasonable price.

Or, wait.
Should she cost double?


Deal's a deal.
Show time.


"Love is like a bird.

"Let it soar.

"Let it land in your heart."

So, that's a man.
And a lady.

Hijras are common at Indian weddings.

Sometimes they dance.

And sometimes they even
expose themselves

and won't leave
unless you pay them.

So, they threaten to whip it
out until you give them money.

My Uncle Carl would make
a killing over here.

It's your last night
of being single, man.

Enjoy yourself.

I'm warning you,
sir or madam.

If you don't stop,
I will call the authorities

and have them
take you away at once.


Please don't take
my giggling as consent.

I command you to stop!



This is the best
wedding gift, Papa.

I can't wait believe you
got us our own apartment.

Anything for you, beti.

I can't wait to see
the look on Rajiv's face.



Let me explain.

Pay attention, donkeys.

Don't miss the season finale
of Outsourced next week.

Please, let me explain.

Go Charlie! Go!