Outsourced (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 20 - Mama Sutra - full transcript

Yes, I will marry you.

She has begun the arranged
marriage process, Todd,

and you are about
to lose her, man!

I've found someone to marry.

Would you like to go out
on a date with me?

See how much fun you can have
when you don't think about Asha?

Oh, I see.

You've still got
feelings for Asha.

Are we a couple or not?

But, Gupta, we're not going
to find your watch, let's go.

Please, let's just retrace
my steps one more time.



But we've been out here
for hours, man.

Oh, have we? I didn't know.

Let me check my... Oh, wait!
I don't have my watch.

Is that Madhuri?

Hurry. If you go now,
it's not too late

to change your destiny.

What are you doing?

My auntie is on vacation...

Sorry.

My auntie is on vacation,
so I'm sitting in for her.

So you're just making
stuff up, scamming people.

This is no scam.

All the women in my family
have the gift.

Then why are you
putting on the voice? Ha ha!



They pay for the reading...

I give them the show.

All right, then.

I lost my watch.

Can you tell me where it is?

I won't read
the palm of a friend.

What if I see something bad?

Oh, please, Madhuri.
My parents gave me the watch.

All right, I'll pay
like a regular customer.

My watch.

It was in your pocket the whole time.

She does have the gift.

What will I have for dinner?

Too much.

She's right!

Spooky.

Gupta, is that the last biscuit?

Yes.

You're not going to share?

No, no. I'll share.

Mm. It starts out crispy,

then ends in a wave
of buttery goodness.

You know, there's
plenty of fresh fruit here.

I don't trust anything
with a seed.

What's nature up to?
I don't know.

Okay.

Madhuri.

I need you to read my palm.

I don't think that's
a very good idea, Gupta.

I need to know
when the ice cream shop

is getting more rocky road.

They keep running out
by the time I get there. Huh.

Please.

All right, fine, I'll do it.

Ah.

I see crumbs on your love line.

- It has been slim pickings...
- No, Gupta.

There are actual crumbs
on your love line.

Oh, sorry.

Yah yah!

Oh, ho. It's clean.

I see your life line...
Uh-oh.

What? What do you see?

Your life line, it's...short.

Short?

How short?

Candle in the wind short?

I just tell you what I see.

It's not like
you can't change things.

Maybe you should
look at the way you live.

I'm going to die.

- Dempsy!
- Charlie.

Looking sharp.

Yeah, uh,
Tonya's mom is visiting,

and I want to impress her.

Last time she was here,
my boss was in town.

We got drunk and thrown
into jail, so...

What's the big deal?

Everyone's done
a few days in county.

Oh, man, they're here early.
Uh, okay, do me a favor.

Can you stall them
while I go into my office

and get things ready?

You know, put in a good word
for me or something?

Done! I can sell anything.

Is that your sales voice
or your sexy voice?

Depends. Do I have a sale?

Oh, God.

What's the hurry?

You're moving with the urgency
you usually reserve

for leaving work.

Tonya's mom is coming,
and I want to impress her

with the way I run things
around here.

Manmeet.

- Mm-hmm?
- What the hell is that?

Oh, it's the nip-nap.

Well, can you take it off?

I tried.
They're glued on.

No, no.
I mean, can you put it away?

I don't want Tonya's mom
to see anything offensive.

Oh, then this is the least
of your problems, man.

Oh, crap!

Hello!

Oh, hi, Charlie.

This is my mom, Lydia.

Ah. It's a pleasure
to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

Uh...

Wait!

Uh, I-I just wanted to say,

um, Lydia's such
a beautiful name.

I-is that short
for something?

Like what?

Lydia...

This is the one I told you about.

I'm sorry.

It's just that I get flustered

in the presence of such beauty.

Not you, Tonya,
'cause you're dating Todd.

So...I guess I mean you.

Hey, hurry, hurry, hurry!
Quick!

Are you going to help
or fantasize?

Both.

No, come here.

Hello.

So we like to keep
novelties around

so that our sales reps
know what it is

that they're selling.

Ah. This is pretty cool.

It's our sarcastic eight ball.

It's a real big seller.

Your parents must be so proud.

She doesn't even have the ball.

Come on, mom.

Some of the items
are really quite clever.

What's this?

Click it.

That is our orgasm keychain.

First time I tried to use
one of these babies

it took me 20 minutes
to find the button.

Why don't you introduce
some of your employees?

Yes, of course.
This is Asha.

Hi.

And this is Gupta.

Don't waste your time on me.

I'm not long for this world.

Ah, Gupta's not himself.

Madhuri read his palm,
and he's not taking it so well.

Oh, you have
a fortune teller here?

Mom's really into
fortune telling.

Well, you should
get your palm read.

The keychain agrees.

And your success line
is very prominent.

Perhaps there will be a promotion

in the next six months.

How about my love line?

This is where you are right now.

You are very happy
in your relationship.

I see the future...

I see another person.

A woman.

Dangerous secrets.

An affair will come
between you two.

Come on, you're not taking this
seriously, are you?

Madhuri, maybe you read
her palm wrong?

Maybe you should do it again,

and things will look different?

Okay.

I see...

No, still getting an affair.

She's close.

The woman who will
come between you.

She's very close.

I like your suit.

Back off, Pinky.
I'm taken.

Look at all that food.

It's my fault.

I read Gupta's fortune and
told him he was going to die.

And now it looks like
he's completely given up.

You mean, he was trying before?

- Hello again.
- Charlie.

I don't know what to order.

Yeah, it can be a little
intimidating at first.

- Allow me?
- Oh, please.

One masala chai.
Extra milk, hold the cloves.

I think you're really
gonna love this.

Here you go.

Careful, 'cause it's hot,
real hot.

Grab it by the top there.

Mmm. Smells wonderful.
What is that?

Cardamom.

Gives it that little sweet kick.

A lot of people
don't realize this,

but it's actually
a natural aphrodisiac.

I think it's working.

That's crazy.
You haven't even tasted it yet.

I know.

We're gonna do it, aren't we?

The less you talk,
the better your chances.

Mm-hmm-hmm-hm.

Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm.

Gupta, do you really need
another jalebi?

You know, you're right.

Squirt?

You got to stop this.

Let me guess.

Madhuri told you
to check up on me?

No one tells me what to do.

Don't you realize
what you're doing?

Your body's a temple.

You're building
a sloppy addition in front

that is going to bring
the whole thing down.

What does it matter
if I don't have long to live?

- Really?
- Huh.

What about your next life?

You're forgetting about
reincarnation, man.

Yeah, if I were you,

I would use the time
you have left

to improve your karma so you
come back as something better.

Like a doctor.
Or a movie star.

Or a pet in America!

Ooh!

You can't stay in there all day.

Let me see!

Okay.

I think there's been a mistake.

I'm going to Rajiv's wedding
as a guest,

not a bridesmaid.

Well, you look great.

Is this how it's supposed to fit?

Needs to be taken in
just a little.

Whoa, whoa.
Easy there.

I'm not a blow-up doll.

Pop!

Like...that.

Hey! Tonya.

Asha was just adjusting my kurta.

Kurta is the word for shirt.

I really should get back to work.

What the hell, Todd?

Okay.

This isn't what it looks like.

You know, maybe Madhuri
was right about the affair.

Maybe you never got over Asha.

Ah, come on, she was just
helping me pick out my clothes

for Rajiv's wedding.

She's engaged!

She's the last person you need
to be worried about.

Oh, but there are people
I should be worried about?

Well, that's a weird thing
to take from the sentence, but...

Todd...I don't like secrets.

If there's anything
you're keeping from me,

you should tell me right now.

I promise, there are no secrets.

You've nothing to worry about.

Okay, thank you.

- Holy crap!
- What?

I just forgot how good
hugging feels.

We should do this more.

Yeah, I would like that.

You know, there's something
I think that's missing...

Good. Great... great hug.

Charlie!

Charlie!

Uh, hey, Todd.

I'm kinda in the middle
of something here.

What the hell are you doing
with Tonya's mom?

I said put in a good word for me!

Well, I put in something better.

You don't sleep with your
friend's girlfriend's mom!

I'm sorry, but she hit on me,

and I don't have
the tools to say no.

She's amazing.

She does things, Todd,

things I will
describe to you now.

No! No, no, no.

Look, if Tonya finds out,

she's going to freak out.

You just... you gotta
keep this quiet.

I'll try, but I can't
speak for Lydia.

She is one hot Aussie mama.

There are no great barriers
to her reef, Todd.

- She outbacked my steakhouse.
- Okay.

She diggeried my do.
She hughed my Jackman.

All right, just get it
out of your system.

She's singing in my opera house!

She boomered my rang!
Russelled my Crowe!

She dingoed my baby!

Gupta, you're late!

- It's okay.
- No, it's not.

You're late.

It's okay, my friend.

It's not okay,
and I am not your friend.

Yes, it is.

And yes, you are.

What are you doing?
Please don't touch me!

This is a hug of forgiveness.

For all the times you were
cruel to me, I forgive you.

Have you lost your mind,
you tangerine-draped half-wit?

And I forgive you for that.

I am on the path
to enlightenment.

I am undergoing a karmic cleanse.

Forgiving other people.

And atoning for all my wrongs.

Lata, I am sorry for stealing
most of your sales.

Pinky, that guy did call back.

Called back twice, actually.

I just didn't think
he was right for you.

Curly-haired guy.

I'm sorry for never
learning your name.

It's Prakash.

- I've seen you every day...
- Kind of moving on now. Shh.

Madhuri, you've been trying
to grow your hair out

for the better part of a year.

And I've been secretly cutting it

while you are on sales calls.

I don't know,
I just like it this length.

Manmeet, you made me promise
never to tell anyone

that as a kid your sister
taught you how to kiss.

Well, I never told anyone!

So I don't owe you an apology.

There. Cleansed.

Doesn't that feel better?

Your sister.

Hey, sorry, got held up
at the office.

Is your mom here?

Yeah, she's just in the bathroom.

Oh, good idea!
Do you mind?

Oh!

Ha! Sorry!

I thought this was
the men's room.

Charlie?

Yeah, we got here a little early

and had a few minutes to kill.

It goes without saying,

what happened here doesn't need
to be discussed.

Let's be adults about this.

Ooh! Still tender.

Are you kidding me?

What happened to
keeping this quiet?

Well, it's not me.
It's Lydia, Todd.

The woman's insatiable.

But don't worry,
we used protection.

We doubled up
on the paper seat covers.

You hungry?
I know I am for some reason.

It's a little blouse-y on you.

But I wouldn't take it in.

You have nowhere to go but out.

Gupta.

What are you doing?

I am giving away
all my worldly possessions.

The quickest path to good karma

is a humble life of simplicity.

Manmeet, I want you to have
my karaoke CDs.

Six hours of me singing
all my favorite hits.

Six hours?

I'd hate to see
what didn't make it.

Here are the hard-to-find B-sides.

Gupta, you shouldn't give away
all your possessions.

But they're just things, Madhuri.

They don't matter
to the new Gupta.

Asha, I want you to have
my pearl-handled brush.

That is my brush!

And I've been looking for it
everywhere!

If there's one thing
I've learned,

it's that nothing really
belongs to anyone.

It has my name on it.

Oh, Asha.

So beautiful here.

So much work to do here.

As much as I enjoy participating

in this karmic meltdown,

I have wedding duties
to attend to.

Rajiv, wait!

You were the cruelest
to me by far.

So the biggest gesture on my part

would be to give
my best gift to you.

So I'm giving you
my life savings.

Every rupee I have

and my frequent chai buyer card.

Okay, Gupta,
this has gone too far.

You're not going to die.

I know.

- I'm going to be reborn...
- No!

I told you
your life line was short

because I wanted you to start
taking care of yourself.

You lied to me.

Because I care about you.

We all care about you!

Here.

Hey.

And...

What?

Give it back, Rajiv!
It's his life savings.

He gave it to me fair and square.

Everything in this box
belongs to me!

Wait, there's no money in here.

All there is is a picture of you
combing your underarm hair?

With my mustache comb?

Not good karma on my part.

But well worth it.

Especially when you see
the next picture.

I combed everything.

Gupta!

Thanks, Charlie, for showing
my mom around today.

How did you like
the spice markets?

Mmm. It was lovely.
So colorful.

I love spices.

Finding something
new and exciting

that adds an unexpected
little zest...

Charlie?

I'm just saying, I like spices.

Especially when
they're well-aged

and they know what they're doing.

Excuse me,
I need to use the restroom.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, come on, you guys just went!

Can't you just...Hold it
till you get home?

Todd?

Why are you telling
my mom to hold it?

Todd is uncomfortable because
he caught me and Charlie

having a bit of fun
in the bathroom.

It's not as nasty as it sounds.

I really like your mom.

The bathroom thing
just kind of happened.

We've been doing it in much
classier places all day.

- Oh!
- Tell her, Todd.

You knew about this?

Whoa! Whoa.

Yes.

I can't believe you.

Me? What did I do?

Well, it's what you didn't do.

Oh, I'd hate to hear that.

I'm not surprised
with my mom's behavior.

She's done far worse.

But you?

You chose Charlie over me.

You know I don't like secrets.

I was just protecting you
from the horrible news

that your mom was
sleeping with Charlie!

No offense meant.

None taken.

It's hard to sweat
the petty stuff

when you're grand-slammin' it
at the Australian Open.

Now I'm wondering what else
you're not telling me.

And what am I supposed to think

the next time I catch you
someplace with Asha?

You're supposed to trust me.

All right, so you can
honestly tell me

that you no longer
have feelings for her.

Can't pause there.

Oh!

Come on, mom.
We're leaving.

May I at least say good night?

Mom!

Mom!

Bye, Charlie.

Bye.

Whew!

I think we just broke up.

It's a damn shame.

I was really looking forward
to calling you son.

Hey! Have you seen Madhuri?

We were supposed
to have dinner...

I'm hungry.

I didn't know you read palms.

Yes!

All Indians have the gift.

As long as you pay.

Okay.

So I had the fling
with Tonya's mom.

But I need to know,

am I ever gonna
find my soul mate?

Yes, you will.

Really?

What's her name?

Her name...

is... Madhuri!

Big eyes. Really?

I'd be lying

if I said I hadn't
thought about it once or twice.

- Are you ready for dinner?
- Yes.

Charlie, would you
like to join us?

And so it begins.

What's beginning?

- Uh...
- Shhh!

We both know how this ends.

Let's enjoy the ride.

And I'm gonna need a prenup.

On the next Outsourced...

Beautiful.

Truly moving.

Goose bumps.