Outsourced (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 19 - Charlie Curries a Favor from Todd - full transcript

Is there, like,
a riot or something?

- [Chuckles] A riot.
No, just a celebrity sighting.

- He's a world-record holder...
Very famous. Come.

- Oh, there he is...

The fingernail guy.
- No, no, no.

That's just a guy
with long fingernails.

- Oh, then who's
the record holder?

It's kind of...

Hard to tell
where he's pointing.

Gupta, what are you doing?

- Oh, he's got the longest
mustache in the world.



I want a souvenir.

- Morning.
[All gasp]

- Now there's gonna be a riot.

[Traditional Indian music]

♪ ♪

- Okay, thank you very much,
please. Good-bye.

- Sir, I was hoping

you could approve
my vacation request.

- Oh.

Ah!
2-week honeymoon.

That's like
a 14-day bone-a-thon.

[Chuckles]
- Bone-a-thon?

Is that some
filthy American slang?

- No, no.
It's... it's just, um...



The emotions when you're in love
are more than skin-deep.

It goes
all the way to the bone.

And marriage isn't a sprint.
It's a marathon.

So when you combine

the deep emotions
with the marathon...

That's how you get
the bone-a-thon.

- I like that.

It sounds beautiful.

- Just make sure
you stay hydrated.

Um, so did you guys plan
on where you're going yet?

- I have it all figured out.

We are going to Goa.
- [Gasps]

The beaches there are
so beautiful.

Which resort are you
staying at?

We're staying at my uncle's
house to save money.

He's a bellhop at one of
the finest resorts in the area.

All we have to do
is wear white coats

and fold the occasional towel.

[Chuckles]
- Rajiv,

Vimi is gonna remember
this forever.

And even if you
don't have money to spend,

you can still do
something romantic.

- So what is Sunil
doing for your honeymoon?

- He's, um... he's hired
a houseboat in Kerala...

Just the two of us
floating down the river,

looking up at the stars,
planning our lives together.

- Sounds
like a real bone-a-thon.

- [Snorts]

[Clears throat]

[Chuckles nervously]

Uh...

That's totally inappropriate.

- Uh-oh.
That's a habanero...

The hottest pepper in America.

I suggest you walk away.

- [Chuckles]

Ah.

[Laughing]

I don't even need the milk.

Your turn.

- Oh, no, not again.

- What are they doing?
- Playing pepper roulette.

Don't even try
to pick a winner.

Everybody loses,
especially the janitor.

- Charlie, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't do it.

That is one
of our ghost peppers...

The strongest pepper
in the world.

Think of your bumhole.

- It's been through
worse than this.

- As a friend,
I'm telling you, don't eat it.

There's no way an American
can handle the heat.

- I'm not doing this for me.

I'm doing this
for every American

who ever gets sent
to a foreign country

to run a call center
and finds himself

in a pepper-eating contest
with a local.

God bless America.

- [Groans softly]

- Okay.

- [Gags]
- Oh!

- [Gagging]

- Okay, drink the milk.
Don't be a hero.

You don't want to throw up
on your suit.

- Hey, why are you
wearing a suit, Charlie?

- [Mumbling]

- All American hunter
is going out of business.

- Oh, I'm so sorry, man.

- [Mumbling] Oh, it's okay.

- "I've got a job interview,

the manager call center
at Sultry and..."

- [Mumbling]
- "Silky and sultry lingerie."

I got it.

[Bell rings]

- Charlie, do you know anything
about lingerie?

- Unfortunately,
my mom would drink too much

and not wear a robe,
so I know what works...

And what doesn't.

Oh, God, it burns.

- There's a bathroom
down the hall to the...

- [Gags]
- Oh, he's not gonna make it.

[Goats bleating]

- [Chuckles] Thank you
for saving my spot, Madhuri.

- There are
people waiting in line,

you can't just come in and...

- I'll take one,
and give one to the lady.

- Thank you, rajiv.
- [Whispering] Two checks.

- Would you care
for some fresh goat milk?

- Two new goats, Rakesh?
Business must be booming.

- Well, I got a loan
for the business.

- What bank
would give you a loan?

- No bank.

An American charity
called "Karmic Cash."

They help out
small-business owners

that need money to survive.

Check out this website, hmm?

- This is brilliant.

They've finally made
white guilt

accessible to the whole world.

I wonder if they could help pay
for my honeymoon.

- Rajiv, you can't do that.

That money is for people
who are struggling to get by.

- Good point, Madhuri.

I'll make up a fake business.

I just need to make it
sound really sad and pathetic.

Maybe after work,
you can tell me

about your life on the streets.

- I'm not from the streets.
- Okay, fine.

You can tell me about growing up
in the orphanage.

- I have
a family that loves me.

- [Snaps fingers]
That is the level

of commitment
I need for my lie.

[Horn honking]

- Hey, Charlie.

How'd your job interview go?

- Well, I started strong.

Bikinis, cheekies, garters,

hip-huggers,
g-string, thong...

I know your whole catalog
like the back of my hand.

- Well, you've certainly
prepared for our meeting.

- Oh, believe me.
I know women's undergarments,

like you, for instance...

I'm guessing minimizer,
flat-panel front.

That'd be the right call
for a gal your size.

Oh, no, don't take that
the wrong way.

It's no big deal.

You know, I wear compression
shorts to hold in my gut.

See?

I just insulted you
and pulled down my pants.

I'm not getting the job, am I?

Any chance you're lovin' this?

- No.

- You know, you could've
just told me, Charlie.

- Todd, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

- Well, you can start
by pulling up your pants.

- There are
no management positions

at any of the call centers.

Hell, there aren't
any positions at all.

- Well, you must have
some savings, right?

- Not so much.
I got a lot of expenses.

I have my food
shipped from America.

There's my gun collection.

Plus, it's my birthday
tomorrow,

and I just splurged
on night-vision goggles.

- Why would you buy
night-vision goggles?

- I like to
watch things at night

when people
don't know I'm there.

I'm sorry
if that's creepy for you.

- Okay.

Well, I'll keep an eye out
for any job openings.

- Todd, Todd, have a seat.

- [Clears throat]

- I hate to ask you,

but is there anything
at your call center?

- No, no.

No, no.

- Just gonna personalize my desk.

- Oh, yeah, go for it.

- [Sighs]

Paperweight.

Mm, nice month.

- Relax.
It's a staple gun.

[Click]

- [Gasps]

- Letter opener.

- You know,
most people just have

good-luck charms
and stuffed animals.

- Oh, I have a good-luck charm...
Rabbit's foot.

And here's the rest of him.

- Oh, my God.

- It's the first thing
I ever shot.

It's not a pretty kill,
but, you know...

What can you expect
from a four-year-old?

[Phone ringing]

- Gupta.
- Hmm?

- You want a snack?
Take it in the break room.

This is not your living room.

Manmeet...

Asha, stop making
the milkshakes.

All the boys
are already in the yard.

- Excuse me?

- This is a workplace,
not the chicken ranch.

- I still don't get it.

- Hey, Charlie, uh...
You're a little out of line.

You're not
the manager here... I am.

- I'm just trying to help out.

- Well, you shouldn't be the one
telling people what to do.

It undermines my authority.

- I feel like that is
kind of my thing.

Right?

- Look, I'm doing you a favor.

Your job is
to answer the phones.

Answer the phones.

- I have a caller who wants
to talk to a manager.

- I got it.

Right.
Answer the phones.

- Manmeet.
- Hmm?

I know.
Back to work.

- No, wait.

I just want to talk, dude,

bro, ho... homey.

- What do you want, Rajiv?
- It's nothing, really.

I just need to take
a picture of you

dressed as
a tiffin delivery boy.

- You're just like
that German tourist,

you sick bastard.

- No, please,
I-I need your help.

I can't get a loan
for my honeymoon,

so I'm trying to trick
a charity into paying for it.

- What are you paying me?

- Nothing.
I'm asking you for a favor.

- Well, the German tourist
offered me 5,000 rupees

and a game of rubba-dubba.

- Please...

I would do it myself,
but I cannot take the chance

that my future father-in-law
will see my picture online.

- I'm not the right guy.

You need someone
people feel sorry for.

You need the most pathetic
person you can find.

- I can't believe it...
Employee of the month.

I'll be the first one
in the calendar.

- Sure you will.

A little to the left.

- [Chuckles]
- Left.

- Huh?
- A little more.

A little more.

- [Chuckles]

[Camera shutter clicks]
- I'm not loving it.

Do you mind
if I fix you a little?

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Please.

Why should I wear a hat?

I'm gonna look like
a tiffin delivery guy.

[Camera shutter clicks]
- Not sad enough.

What if I told you
there was no bonus

for being
employee of the month?

What if I lied?
- But I already spent it.

[Camera shutter clicks]

- That's the stuff!

- Will you hold, please?
Hey, boss...

I got a customer on the line,
needs to talk to a manager.

- This is Todd.
How can I help you?

Yes, we ship
anywhere in the U.S.

Your phone operator
should've told you that.

Hang on while I transfer you
to another one right now.

Charlie.

It says in the catalog
we ship anywhere in the U.S.

- Yeah, but I wasn't sure
if that was only contiguous,

and I didn't want to overstep
my bounds.

After all,
I just answer the phones.

- I know what you're doing.
- And I know what I'm doing.

I've been managing call centers
for the last decade,

training hundreds
of phone operators.

- Okay.
Well, let me ask you this.

If you were managing here

and you had to deal
with someone like yourself,

how would you do it?

- I'd listen to his ideas,

'cause he's got
a world of experience.

- Well, you have been doing this
a lot longer than I have,

so whenever you have something
that you want to run by me,

I'm all ears.

- That's great.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I got a million of them.

"Gift certificates
for the top salesman."

- Okay.

- "Put all the desks
facing each other

to create more competition."
- Mm-hmm.

- "Final exam,
teeth falling out,

Debbie Butler naked."

Oh, sorry.

It's also my dream journal.

Oh, this dream's about you.

I'm straight, but it happens.

It was beautiful.

We were flying
over the Grand Canyon.

We were holding hands,

but nothing, you know, like...
You know.

- All right.
- That's it for now. Yeah.

- Yes, my darling Vimi,
I am in the process

of planning
the most amazing honeymoon.

Oh, hold on.
That's my other line.

Hello?
- Mr. Gidwani,

this is Marcy Donovan
from Karmic Cash.

- Hello.

What can I do for you,
good madam?

- I'm calling to let you know

that we have accepted
your application.

- That is
the most wonderful news.

I will be able to feed
all ten of my children.

- Your application said
you had nine kids.

- It's been a long week.
- Okay.

Well, I just have
to meet you in person

to verify your business.

I know it's insulting,

but we've had some fraudulent
applications in the past.

- Really?

That makes me sick
to my little, empty belly.

Any chance we can do
this by phone?

- No, we need
to meet in person.

That's not a problem, is it?

- I am not dressing up
as a tiffin delivery man again.

- I respect
your moral standard.

But I believe you have
a price, name it.

- You have to actually make me
employee of the month.

And I want
my picture on the wall,

so everyone knows it's me.

- Okay.
Or...

What if I made you
employee of the year

with no picture,
and I'm the only one who knows?

- A whole year?

- I'm just saying, I think he'd
be perfect for koala airlines.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

- Charlie working for me?

You want me to hire someone
who's infatuated with me?

- No, no.
He's over you.

He doesn't even ask for
pictures of you naked anymore.

- Really?
So he's just given up.

He's not stalking
someone else, is he?

[Air horn blows]
- Oh!

What... what is that?

- Uh, that looks like
it's coming from your office.

[Air horns blowing]

- Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What... what the hell
is going on, man?

- This is one
of my incentive ideas.

Every time you make a sale,
you get to toot your own horn.

[Air horn blows]

- I just sold a dozen cans
of silly string!

[Air horn blows]

- Yes, if I could just take...
[Air horn blowing]

Sorry...

Gupta! Gupta!

Gupta!
I can't hear myself think!

- Okay, all right,
everyone take five.

- Asha...

I'm sorry if I frustrated you.

- You know, Gupta,
sometimes I think

that you just don't consider
other people...

[Air horn blows]

- [Giggles]

- [Chuckles]

- Are you out of your mind?

- Ringing a bell when you make
a sale is a classic.

I just updated it.

- No one can hear
what they're doing.

This is the worst idea ever.

Charlie, this isn't working.

- Okay, so we won't do
the air horn.

- No, I mean, this...

Isn't working.

All:
Happy Birthday, Charlie!

[Air horn blows]

- Oh.

Hey, Charlie.

Sorry that it didn't work out.

Nothing to apologize for.

Come on, man,
let's go out and celebrate.

Celebrate what

I got nothing.
No wife, no kids no career.

I'm, doing a job I did 20
years ago, going backwards.

Look, this...this is just a
fork in the road, man.

I read somewhere that
most men go through like

five careers in their lives

I am way past that.

Worked at Blockbuster,
Pizza Hut, Taco Bell

combination Pizza and Taco Bell.

I was a security guard

I had one amazing night
as a Chippendales dancer.

- Ha ha.
- I got fired.

Not before I invented
the helicopter.

- It's where I swing it around.
- Yeah I get it.

Of course my first job
at home sales.

So I'm right back where I started.

- You know what?

I think you're just depressed
because it's your birthday.

- I could die tomorrow,

and no one would even know
who Charlie Davies was.

No one will remember me.
- You'll be remembered.

Think of all
the women you hit on.

People always remember
traumatic events.

- That all you got?

- Yeah.

[Horn honking]

- So, miss Donovan,

if Karmic Cash
can help me get a loan,

I'll be able
to afford a scooter

and deliver twice
as many of these tiffins.

It will be a blessing
for me and my family.

- Well, judging
from what I've seen here today,

Mr. Gidwani, there's no reason

why you shouldn't be
on our website.

- Ha!
That's great!

So, thank you for your time...

But I really should be getting
back to work,

so...
- Oh, good!

You know, I was wondering
how you balance

all of those on a bicycle,
and now I'll get to see.

- Oh!

I'd... I'd love to show you,

but there are no deliveries
on Wednesdays.

- But I thought you said
you had to get back to work?

- Bookkeeping day.

- Get on the bike,
Mr. Gidwani.

- No problem.

I just have to...

Ah...

Yes, yes.

Oh, I just have
to maintain my balance

and keep my back straight.

Oh, oh, oh!
[Crash]

Ha!

Ah!

[Bicycle bell rings]

[Grunts]

Whoa.

As you can see,
I need that scooter A.S.A.P.

This bike is a death trap!

Ah!

- Enough, Mr. Gidwani.

You're obviously
not a tiffin delivery man.

And you can forget
about getting a loan.

- Wait, please!
I am Rajiv Gidwani.

- Rajiv, you're going
to blow this.

- This man
has stolen my identity

and is trying to steal
my business.

- All right,
then you get on the bike.

- Okay, here's the deal.

I am marrying
an extraordinary woman,

but I can only afford
an ordinary honeymoon.

With your help, I can make it
as special as she is.

Please, Ms. Donovan,
haven't you ever been in love?

All I want to do
is provide my Vimi

with the most spectacular
bone-a-thon of all time.

- Ugh!

Ugh.

- Bikinis, cheekies, garters,

hip-huggers,
g-string, thong...

Believe me,
I know women's undergarments.

I'm qualified to work here.

- Charlie!
Charlie!

Charlie! I know
how you can be remembered.

- What are you doing?
The work day is not over yet.

- He's going
for the world record!

- Who?

- Come on, Charlie,
you can do it, just two more.

[Cheers and applause]
- One more, brother!

- Come on, Charlie,
you can do it!

- This is the last one.

- Eat it! Eat it!

- What's wrong?

Are you okay?

[Echoing] Are you okay?

- Hello, Charlie.
- [Mumbling] Who are you?

- I'm you, in the future.

- Oh. I look good.

- Yes, we do look good.

And you know why?
Because you didn't give up.

You ate the pepper,
which made you famous,

which made you wealthy,

which finally made you
desirable to women...

Like Suzanne.

This is Sue.
This is Anne.

Together, they make Suzanne.

- [Mumbling] Is that my wife?

- That's up to you.

Suzanne doesn't like quitters.

- Charlie, Charlie!
You okay?

- [Mumbling loudly]

- What?
- What'd he say?

- I think he said
"this is for the Sudan."

- That is so thoughtful!

[Cheers and applause]

All: [Chanting]
Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!

- Yeah, that's right.
I'm the pepper guy.

[Chuckles] Hi.

Oh, picture?
Lovely.

Anyone need a breast signed?
I'm not picky.

- Charlie!
- Yeah.

- Charlie, come, come.
- Huh?

- Some guy is trying to beat
your pepper-eating record.

- What, already?
- Uh-huh.

- Over there.
See it?

- How many has he eaten?
- Uh..

One more
and he ties your record

Well, records are
meant to be broken.

But not today.

Hey, buddy, you got
something in your eye.

- Aah!

Aah! Aah!
[Crowd groans]

Aah! Aah!

- Still the king!

[All cheering]

All: [Chanting]
Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!

Charlie!