Outsourced (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 17 - Todd's Holi War - full transcript

Hey, Dempsy!
Charlie?

What's going on, man?

It's a holiday called Holi.
Holi?

Yeah, some demon king
wanted his son to take over

the demon family business.
I don't know.

Bottom line is,
it's a big celebration.

Everybody pelts
each other with color

so we all look the same
in a big show of brotherhood.

Take that, brother!

Yeah. Brotherhood.

Charlie, he's going
right for her.



I'm on it.

Thank you, thank you.

You need to be careful
with these guys.

Sometimes they just,
you know...

Yeah, I thought
those were a little perky

for a woman your age.

You better run.

Run.

Am I having some kind of
allergic reaction to this paint

or is it really hot in here?
No, it's hot.

The air conditioning died.

Gupta, that is
disgusting.

What?

People can still
drink them.



I'm putting them between my
undershirt and my overshirt.

Oh. Uh-oh.

I wouldn't drink that one if I were you.

That's a me soda.

Well, how is it
you're not sweating?

Sweat is essentially urine of the pores.
I choose to hold it in.

Sir, if you are not
too lethargic on the heat,

you might remember I told
you I'm leaving early tonight

to surprise Vimi with
her favorite flowers,

and then we are going to
a restaurant so fancy,

the waiters don't
have second jobs.

And then when the band plays
our favorite song...

You're gonna get on
your knees and propose!

Who told you?

Mmm-mmm.

Rajiv, that's pretty much
a textbook proposal, man.

No. The flowers, the band,
down on one knee...

That's vintage Rajiv.

Look, if you wanna
surprise her,

it should be personal,
from the heart.

Todd, the computers
are frozen.

There was an hourglass,
but now there's a frowny face.

Is a frowny face worse
than an hourglass?

Who knows.
But there's no logic, man.

It's like your game,
rock, paper, scissors,

where paper miraculously defeats rock.

No, Manmeet,
paper covers rock.

It's like a... You know what,
I'm not having this conversation again.

I'm gonna have to call
tech support.

Okay. I mean, if you had a
choice between paper or rocks,

who ever heard of
an angry mob wielding paper?

Unless the paper
was on fire.

Yeah, even then,
just hit them with rocks.

The sun is going down.
We take a walk on the beach,

I pretend to notice
a bottle washed ashore.

And the note inside says,
"Will you marry me?"

We meet for champagne...
The ring is in the glass.

I buy her her favorite...
Chocolates with the ring inside.

Damn it.

Thank you for
calling technical support.

How may I help you today?
Ugh, finally.

Yeah, our computers froze.
No problem, sir.

We can take care of that.
Now, my name is Kamran.

May I ask who I'm
speaking with today?

Todd.
Todd. Okay.

So, we're gonna try
what's called a hard reset.

Now, you wanna
hold down control...

Uh, Kamran, where are
you guys located?

We are in Huntsville, Alabama.

Really? So, I'm
not calling India.

Nope, we're
in Huntsville,

right down the road
from NASA flight center.

Tell you what,
there goes a rocket right now.

I'm Todd.

So, what do you got?
Hourglass or frowny face?

Thank you for making
a house call.

Well, it will be easier
than holding your hand

as you stumble through it
on the phone.

Gupta, what are
you doing?

Oh, I'm making half-pants.

That's very creative.
Thank you.

Are you sure it's safe
for him to have scissors?

Hey, don't make fun of Gupta.
We make fun of Gupta.

There, you're all set.

Wait, wait, what was wrong with my
computer? In case it happens again.

Let's just say
that the little elves

that live inside your
computer got so tired

and had to lay down.

Do you talk to all
your customers like that?

No, just you guys.

Come on, let's get back up
to the air conditioning now.

Wait a second.
Wait, you guys have air conditioning?

We're on the same system.
How come ours doesn't work?

I don't know. It's, uh,

as if someone realized that we're
the ones doing the important work.

All right, we do
important work, okay?

And I don't need this kind
of attitude coming in here

when all I want
is just...

Is he doing something
behind me?

Sweat sleeves!

You sweat,
and then you wipe!

I have to be honest.
We heard about this guy

before we came in here,
and he's delivered.

Thank you.
You hear that?

People are talking.

Man, it's so nice
and cool in here.

Hi. Uh, we need
to see the manager.

Mr. Patel.
- Oh, wow.

It looks like
the Apple Store.

Well, minus the
ethnic diversity.

Oh, look at the mints!
It's not the crappy red and white ones.

Todd, they're green
and chocolaty.

Seema, Seema, Seema,
you're breaking my balls.

You're getting
a good deal here.

Now, sign the
bloody contract.

Gentlemen, welcome to Globocon.
How can I help you?

Hi! Yeah,
I'm Todd Dempsy.

I'm the manager down
at Mid America Novelties.

This is my employee, Manmeet. Hello.

Sanjeev Patel.
Pleasure.

Uh, I have a complaint
about your employee.

Chai?

No, thank you.
I'll take his.

This guy right here,
he fixed my computer,

but he had
a lot of attitude.

Kamran.
Apologize.

I'm sorry.
There you go.

Wait, but he just
rolled his eyes at me.

Yeah, that's a sign of
respect in our culture.

Now that we're
through here...

Uh, well...
Done.

Actually the main reason I'm
here is the air conditioning.

Now, we're on
the same system,

and you guys are taking
all the cold air.

Uh, but if you turn up
your thermostat

just a little bit,
we could share the air

until the heat wave's over.

Sounds fair, right?
It does.

But I'm not gonna do it.

Uh-huh. Okay, yeah.

'Cause you think your work
is more important than ours?

It's Tommy, right?
Todd.

Oh, because you
look like a Tommy.

Here's the deal.

Multibillion dollar
corporations call us for help.

Hospitals call us when
their systems go down.

We save lives.

What do you do?

We sell novelties, which means
we bring smiles to the world.

And when a teacher sits
on a whoopee cushion

and a kid laughs,
we're there.

When grandma screams because there's
a fly in her ice cube, we're there.

And when a condom
glows in the dark

as a man and woman
make love, we're there.

Well, we're not there.
That would be a bit creepy.

So, where do we fall on this
whole, uh, air conditioning thing?

Not gonna happen.
All right.

Well, we will see about that, Dick.
Oh, I'm sorry, it was Dick, right?

Sanjeev.
Oh, really?

Because you look
like a dick.

Hmm, that's very mature of you.

Well, at least I don't walk
around with my fly wide open.

Hmm?

He made you look.
You can't top that.

Well, you're in
Charlie's hands now.

I'll just override
the system,

reroute some of that
cool air into your ducts.

How do you know
about all this stuff?

Oh, my dad was
a master electrician.

I thought he worked
for the telephone company.

My mom went through
boyfriends pretty fast.

It was easier
if I called 'em all dad.

Oh!

Your mom ever
date a locksmith?

Yeah, but he went
back to prison

before he could
teach me anything.

That was one lock
he couldn't pick.

Hey, guys.
Shh!

I got the kit.
Thanks, man.

What's that?

Amateur gynecologist kit.

It comes with a head lamp,
rubber gloves and a map.

G marks the spot.

Isn't treasure usually
marked with an X?

X is for a treasure
that actually exists.

Now, pay attention.

All right, this duct
is the junction

for your call center
and Globocon.

If you jam this vent open, you'll get
all the air and they'll get nothing.

What?
We need you to go into the ducts.

Why do I have to do it?

Well, you got the courage
and the bravery...

It's 'cause you're
built like a straw.

Go!

So, did you decide how you're
going to propose to Vimi?

I did. She will
be most surprised.

Really?

Is that a box inside a
box inside another box,

and inside the last
little box is a ring?

Oh, no.
If you figured it out,

Vimi will get it
in a heartbeat.

She's coming this afternoon.
I'm running out of time.

So, just propose
another day.

Holi is her
favorite holiday.

We made all these plans. If I cancel
on her now, she'll be crushed.

And she won't see
the proposal coming.

Thank you, Asha.

Okay. Any time.

And it just got weird.

All right, now, you should
be able to take a right.

I'm not taking a right,
Todd.

It's the fastest way.

Something in that vent
is looking right back at me.

Rajiv, hi!
Are you ready?

No, tonight is off.

Why, is everything okay?

Just not feeling it.

But you said you had a
whole night planned for us.

You know how much
Holi means to me.

I do, but I think
I would rather work.

You'd rather work
than be with me?

Vimi, Vimi, Vimi.

They're both work.
One just puts money in my hand,

and one takes it away.

I don't think I want
to see you tonight.

Or any time
in the near future.

What did you do?

Now she will never see
my proposal coming.

Picture this.

Vimi is getting dressed
when she hears

a sitar and singer
performing a song

we heard on our first date
right outside her window.

She glances out to see me
in my finest suit,

riding up to her door
on a majestic white horse.

It will be a moment
she will never forget.

Now, that is a proposal.

You just never
give up, do you?

All right,
you're almost there.

Should see a vent
on your left,

and then you're gonna come up
to a 6-inch drop-off.

Sorry, a 6-foot drop-off.

Okay, you should be
right by an air deflector.

Yeah, I see it.

Now, wedge it open
so we get all the cold air.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Suck it, Globocon, suck it!

I underestimated
you, Tommy.

Nice move with the AC.

Ah, who's sweating through
their underwear now? Ha.

Look, I'm gonna cut to the chase.
If you agree to share the AC,

I'll have Kamran double your
Internet speed right now.

Sure. You got
yourself a deal.

Oh, and one more thing...
You have to admit

that every single one of my
employees is just as good as yours.

I would admit that,
except my workers

have incredible skills.

Kamran here can bring down an entire
computer network in 20 seconds.

All done.
Oh, 18 seconds.

Why does my screen have a picture
of a bomb with a burning fuse on it?

It's on mine too.

This is my favorite part.

Go elf yourself.

I'm sorry,
but that's fantastic.

Hey! This isn't over.

Oh, no, Todd, it isn't.

I can see daylight. Ah.

What took you so long?

Oh, I just met some rats.

We had some great wine,
cheese, time just got away.

I was lost in the vents!
What do you think, Todd?

You know, I'm sorry. We've been
dealing with these computers, okay?

They put some kind of virus
here and now they're all frozen.

Okay, so, what are
we going to do?

Just give up.

I come from a long line
of surrenderers.

When the going gets tough,
the Guptas have been gone for hours.

No.
Yes, gone.

Pff.
If we blink on the computers

before they blink on the AC,
they'll own us.

What you need is some intel.

You need to know their next
move before they make it.

Actually, it'd be better if you
know their next move before they do,

or even better, if you enter their
dreams and give them the idea.

You know, like
in the movie Insertion.

You mean Inception?

No, the DVD I bought on the
street was called Insertion.

It was filthy, but the plot
was much easier to follow.

I got a better idea.

I'll send a spy

into their office to see how
close they are to breaking.

Madhuri would be perfect.

Why Madhuri?
She blends right in.

No one ever notices her.

Madhuri!

I'm right here.

This is too hot, Sanjeev.
I mean, this is ridiculous.

You can handle it.
Mind over matter.

But it's like
an oven in here, yeah?

Focus.

Today's too important.

And Rishi has
a gambling problem,

and Prakash adds
Scotch to his chai,

and Gopal is cheating
on his wife. The pig!

Gopal is the pig,
not his wife.

Although, judging
from the picture,

she does stretch
a sari to its limits.

Is there any sign
of them giving in?

No.

Their only concern
is this important client

that's coming tonight.

They need to make
a good impression

so that they can
land this account.

That's it.
That's how we get them.

Guys, the Globocon people
think we're a bunch of idiots.

I'm tired of being
treated like that.

How about you?
Yeah.

You ready to do something about it?
Yeah.

You ready to get some revenge?
Ah!

'Cause I have a plan.
Let's do this!

Wait! No, Pinky,
I haven't...

I haven't said
what the plan is yet.

Oh! We'll just wait
until she gets back.

I certainly hope
no one hits me with color.

You have gotten your jollies.
Now be gone, urchins,

or I'll bake you
into a pie!

Precisely why I waited
to change into my nice suit.

This isn't my first Holi.

So, got the air
back on, huh?

Yes.

Look, this whole thing
got a little out of hand.

All right, and I know you got a big client coming in,
and you're a little uptight,

but there's an
easy compromise.

So, I'm gonna give you one more
chance to do the right thing.

I have the air conditioning and working
computers. I don't need to do anything.

Now, why don't you go
down to your sauna?

When I feel like it,
I'll turn your computers back on

and you can resume selling
your jars of farts.

Well, if that's
the way it is.

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
Just one more thing.

Are any of your
employees pregnant

or have a heart condition?

No.
Let's do this!

Hey, Sanjeev.

I think your clients are here.

What is the plan?

Where were you?

I took the stairs.

Mr. Gidwani?

Finally!

Where is the singer?

Well, colored powder
got in her throat,

and her vocal chords
got paralyzed.

She may never sing again.

Why does everything
happen to me?

Wait, where is the horse?

Judging by what
you're stepping in,

I believe it was
here at one point.

No!

Stop! You already got me!
I'm the same man!

Whoa, stop it! Stop!

Rajiv?

What are you doing?

Why are you in
your underpants?

Oh, I was just
in the neighborhood.

Ai. Don't you have bedtimes
or pockets to pick?

What's going on?

I wanted to surprise you.

I am supposed to be in my
suit and on a white horse.

Please, pretend this
night never happened,

and I will surprise you
some other time.

You deserve
a special proposal.

Rajiv, you're half-naked,

covered in colored powder,
standing in my front yard.

This will be a great
story for our kids.

Kids? Is that a yes?

Yes? Yes to what?
You haven't asked me anything yet.

Love,
love will keep us together

Think of me babe whenever

Some sweet talking girl
comes along

Singing her song

Don't mess around
You just got to be strong

Just stop

Because I really love you

Stop

I'll be thinking of you

Look in my heart and let
love keep us together

Yes, I will marry you.

What are you
doing up here?

I was trying to get out,
and I got lost.

What are you
doing up here?

Well, I heard a noise,
and I came up to see what it was.

Oh.
You are so cute.

Oh.