Outsourced (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 16 - Take This Punjab and Shove It - full transcript

Morning.

Good morning.
Morning, Asha.

Manmeet does that, too.

What is this nonsense?

Rajiv, lighten up, man.

We're just trying to have
some fun before work.

By all means, let us dull the freshly waxed
floors while our phones go unanswered.

Too slow, Gupta.

Aye! Hey. Whoa.
What... What's going on?

What are you guys
doing to Shirin's desk?

Oh, we're dividing up
her stuff.



It's only her second day out.

She's probably just sick.
Oh...

Nobody misses two days
of work, even if they're sick.

She quit or she died. And if she showed
up now, I would fire her, anyway.

To Shirin.
Hey, hey.

Number one mom,
significantly worse employee.

Well, how could she quit
and not say anything to me?

But that's how it works here. I heard
she got a better offer and moved on.

Also...

I believe those pills she was popping
during lunch weren't vitamins.

And as far as her love
life is concerned...

Madhuri, no. I don't...
I don't want to hear gossip about her.

Oh. I'm no gossip.

But let's just say there are
a few illegitimate children



running around this city,
that could have given her that mug.

Number one mom
in output, maybe.

You know, sir, if the workers absorb Shirin's calls,
you and I can absorb her salary.

So, you're saying make them work
harder so you and I can profit?

It sounds even better
when you say it.

No. We're going
to find a new worker.

Actually, you know, this is the
first person I get to hire myself.

I'm looking forward to it.

Sir?
Hmm.

This is a very coveted job.
I don't think you understand

what you're getting
yourself into.

I think I can handle a few
job interviews, Rajiv.

Sir? My grandmother
would be a great worker.

Ah. I know just the person
you should hire.

Pretty crazy, huh, man?

I can't believe all these
people are here for the job.

This is a place of business!
Show some respect! Out!

I can save you some time, brother.
I have the perfect person for the job.

What's her name?
I don't know.

But I've seen her on the
bus three days in a row.

Can she type?
I don't know.

How's her English?
Okay.

You better ease up with all
these hardball questions,

or you're going to blow
it with her.

Todd, she's beautiful.

Manmeet. Manmeet, I'm not going to
hire some woman just because she's hot.

Just give her a chance, man. If you interview her,
I know you'll want to hire her.

Then, you'll probably
get to know her.

Go out for a chai, and she'll like you
because you're American and charming.

And before you know it,
you'll be sleeping with her.

You just had to have her, didn't you,
Todd? How could you do this to me?

Okay, I will be the customer.
Are you ready?

I would like to order
the glow-in-the-dark yo-yo.

What's the item number, sir?

It is 6-2-5-A-R.

Okay, you just hung
up on me again.

Why can't I just put
you on speaker?

Because it would bother
the other workers.

But Spencer told me
I'd have my own office.

Who is Spencer?

Hello, love.
Hey, Spencer.

How is my grandmother doing?

And, uh, why are you Spencer?

Uh, because that's what my
family in London,

who owns an automotive racing club,
named me.

Hmm.
We went over this when I hired you.

Huh. Okay. And, uh, how did you
see this playing out, Spencer?

Shh... I think we're being
a bit cheeky for an underling.

Hello. My name is Alok.

What are you doing?
I'm Alok.

I have a job
interview.

Stop messing around, Gupta.

Who is this Gupta
you speak of?

Oh, I know.

You mean my twin cousin who will never
be in the room with me at the same time.

Okay. Well, when you see Gupta, tell
him if he doesn't stop wasting my time,

I might have to fire him.

What was I looking for again?

Todd, if I do get this job...

I can't hire you.
You already work here.

Todd.

It's Gupta now.

Let's talk face to face. We both know
that I only work about half a day.

So, if you hire Alok, you
will get a full day's work.

Half from me,
half from Alok.

No.

Corporate will never have
to know it's me.

No.
Yes.

I can't believe I met a British
race car driver on the bus.

Believe.

Madhuri, she's asleep.
Shh! Respect.

Okay. So, can I borrow
20,000 rupees?

No.

Can Alok?
No.

Yes, I understand,
it's a lot to ask.

So, how about 10,000 for
me and 10,000 for Alok?

Mmm-mmm.

10,000 for Gupta,
10,000 for Alok.

No.

10,000, please?
10,000 now.

No.
Okay.

All right, Kamik. I would like to
order the glow-in-the-dark yo-yo.

Oh, yes, sir. That is
item number 6-2-5-A-R.

May I also suggest a
glow-in-the-dark slinky?

For fun, it's
a wonderful toy.

It's fun for a girl...
Or a boy.

Kamik! Where are you from?

Well, I was born here,
but I grew up outside of Corpus Christi.

I spent almost my entire
childhood in the States.

Then, you can probably
answer me this.

What month does the Sports
Illustrated swimsuit issue come out?

February!
Best part of St. Patrick's Day.

Shamrock shakes.
Who was the worst Backstreet Boy?

Nick! Correct.
But I would have accepted any of them.

I have four years sales
experience.

Where have you been
all my life?

Well, I graduated school...
Shh.

Shh. No m?s. No m?s.

You've got the job.

So great we don't even have
to work on your accent, right?

Yeah. Totally. Totally.

Whoa. Oh, my God.
Is everything okay?

She's just sleeping.

Just sleeping.

Morning, Gupta.
Oh, hi. Morning, Manmeet.

How was the bus? Do you miss
taking it with me because now

I take the rickshaw
with Todd, and I...

Okay, I'll leave you alone.

Are you taking a while?

Are you doing sit-downs
or stand-ups?

Privacy, Gupta.
Shut up.

Yeah, I'm waiting...

We also have some
herbal tea here.

Oh, maybe that will help.

Morning, hi. Hello.

Madhuri's grandmother
actually fell asleep.

That's nothing. I had a guy come
in for a job interview. No hands.

He didn't have any hands?

Well, he had a hook on this hand,
and something like a garden weasel on the other.

Don't feel bad. I hired him
and he met his wife on the job.

I knew they were
seeing each other,

because she'd show up at work
with fresh puncture wounds.

Charlie.

It's hard to hide it when you're
banging Edward Scissorhands.

Hey, there's the kid I hired.

Hey. I'm telling you, he's amazing.
No accent and he's a born salesman.

Well, then, you better watch out.
The good ones get poached all the time.

I've lost two of my best
workers to those guys.

I mean, look at those smug bastards sitting
there like they're the cock of the walk.

I just want to grab that stick out
of their bums and beat them with it.

Does she do that
kind of stuff?

I just wanted to thank you for
the opportunity, Mr. Dempsy.

Oh, please it's Todd.

Um, this is Charlie and Tonya.

Hey, I run the call center for
All-American Hunter.

I run Koala Air.
Nice to meet you.

Well, I'm going to go over the
catalog before work starts.

Okay. So, uh, time
to make the donuts.

Oh!

Kid just dropped a Dunkin' Donuts
reference on our ass. Impressive.

Yesterday, he did
a Slinky one.

I'm telling you. If he would have asked "Where's
the beef?" I would have shown it to him.

I believe that.

The mood rings are fun, but...
I have never heard a kid complain

that there's too much silly
string at his birthday party.

Great. Oh, I think
two cases will do it.

How could you hire someone
without consulting me?

Rajiv, he's already selling add-ons.
I mean, if he keeps it up like this,

someday he could be manager.

You did not just
use the "M" word.

Very smooth on the up sell.

Well, I'm a smooth operator.

You know, like the song?

Oh, of course, the song.
Who could forget?

I love that song.

Smooth operator,
operating smooth

Smooth, smooth, smooth

I'm an operator
I'm so smooth

Uh, if there's anything that you need,
I will be here for you.

And I would hope that if there
was anything that I needed...

You, you would...

Oh, yeah. Yeah, man.
I'd be there for you.

Oh. Thanks, buddy.

Remember when you said
you'd be there for me?

I need 20,000 rupees.

No.

Mid America Novelties.
No, not you.

Mid America Novelties.
How may I put a smile on your day?

This is not how we
answer the phone.

Stick to the script,
you imbecile.

Hello, Mid America Novelties.
How can I help you?

Hello.
I am an average American.

Tall, blonde,
exceptional in almost every way

except for my knowledge of
math and the basic sciences.

I run an orphanage,
and the kids love your dinosaur toys.

Could you find it in your heart to
donate two or three boxes of them?

Oh, sir, I can't give
product away.

Not even for orphans who lack parents
and basic skills in mathematics?

You know, I really
shouldn't do this, but...

Let me conference in my supervisor
Rajiv. Maybe he can help you.

Hello,
this is Rajiv.

Yeah,
this is Bill.

Bill,
how may I help you today?

I run
an orphanage

for mathematically-challenged
kids,

and I was hoping your company
could donate some toys.

Sir,
this is a business, not a charity.

But the kids...
Please let me finish.

If we donated every
time somebody called

we would be in big...
Uh, got to go, Bill.

Bye,
Rajiv. Hello, To...

Hello, Todd.

Oh, no.

What's the matter?

I can't find my wallet.
I had it this morning.

Has anyone seen it?

No.
No.

Hey, what's
going on, man?

Oh, no.

The goose that laid the golden egg has
laid a different egg, all over your face.

Kamik can't be gone.
How am I going to replace him?

I know someone who is ready
to jump right in.

Nani, you're on.

Nani, you got
the job.

Hey. You ready for lunch?

Oh. Actually, there's something
I wanted to talk to you about.

Koala Airlines.
Come experience the wonder down under.

Son of a bitch.

You stole my man!

Nothing personal,
it's just business.

Everyone poaches
workers.

No, this is personal. Kamik was my find,
and you stole him from me.

You know what? As punishment,
I am withholding sex.

No, you're not.
No. I know I won't.

But I won't try as hard.
No, yeah. I... I will.

So, you lost a worker.
It's part of the game.

Call centers steal each other's
best workers all the time.

Yeah. But I introduced her to Kamik.
It's like she got the better of me.

She did. She upset the balance
of power in your relationship.

I know how you can get even.
Break up with her.

Then, in a moment of weakness,
I'll sleep with her,

and she'll wake up in a world of regret.
I would do that for you.

That is just very sweet.
But the only way to get even with Tonya

is to steal Kamik back.

Okay. I wouldn't say "only way."
I believe there was another option on the table.

Ooh, on the table.

You know they did
it on the table.

I can see that smile on your face.
You know it. Oh, hey, hey.

This makes no sense.
There's nothing missing.

Manmeet, why do you have a business card
that says that you're a model scout?

Oh. My cousin
prints a magazine,

and they're always looking
for women for the cover.

Hmm.

Actually, I don't know why I didn't
think of this... But you'd be perfect.

Really?

And that's why
I have the card.

Okay. But why would Gupta
take and return your wallet?

Oh. I'm about to find out.

Ah. Hello.

Did Gupta just get
in that rickshaw?

He's not driving, is he?

Yep, that's Gupta.

No, no. Don't worry about it.
Let's keep going.

You idiot!

Shut up!
Learn how to drive!

I know how to drive.

Get out of here.
I am getting out of here.

Mm. Mm. Here we go.
Hand me the glass cutters.

What are you doing? I got the key card
to Tonya's office from the janitor.

Yep.

Come on, I never
get to use these.

Hang on.

If I dust some powder
on the keyboard.

What? And we take a look at
it under a black light...

We can see which keys she uses most,
and figure out her password.

It appears she's been
using...

All the keys.
Look at that.

Someone can't get
enough of that space bar.

All right, will you stop
with all the spy gadgets?

Move. Move.
All right.

What? Sorry it's a...
It's a cheap desk.

Bingo.
What?

Do you realize how cool this is?
We broke in here, I'm wearing all black,

I found her secret file
and I got to say "bingo."

You've got to see
how this feels.

I'll hide it, and
you can go find it.

No. Charlie, what did you find?
What did you find?

It will feel better
if you earn it.

It's her payroll file.

Bingo. I know, right?
Feels great, doesn't it?

All right, it's Kamik,
Kamik, Kamik...

Oh. Oh. Here we go. Oh, man.
She's paying him almost twice as much as I was.

I can't match this.

Security! You're
on your own.

Mayday, oh...

Oh!

I can't feel my nads.

Could you before?

As often as I could.

Good morning.
Morning.

No.

Dempsy!

Kamik didn't show up today.

Do you know anything
about that?

It's nothing personal,
Tonya, just business.

What did you offer him?

A lot more money and
better benefits.

What? You could never match
what I was paying him.

I know. That's why I slipped
his resume to the big boys.

If I can't have Kamik,
no one can.

But they have him.

By "no one," I meant you.

Well, I need to find
myself another worker.

So do I.
Let the best man win.

Nani, there's an
opening again.

Ah. Ah. Hello.
I'm Manmeet.

Let me just hit the old "Manmeeter,"
and we'll be on our way.

You used my license.
That's why you stole my wallet.

I had to. I don't have a driver's
license, and I need the money.

Why? Gupta,
what's going on?

When I moved into my own apartment,
there were all these expenses

no one told me about.

Rent, a bed, a sheet,
a smaller sheet for my pillow...

Gupta, how long are you going to have to
drive this rickshaw to pay your bills?

I don't know.

But the meter
is running.

So, if we just sit here for
about a month, I'll be okay.

This is a really good thing
that you're doing, Todd.

Well, it's only for a few weeks
until I can find a new worker.

Yes,
darling. I hope you have

a wonderful bachelorette
party, too.

Thank you for calling
Mid America Novelties. This is Gupta.

How can I...

Please hold.

Thank you for calling
Mid America Novelties. This is Alok.

Gupta, you don't need
the hat and the glasses.

Please hold.

If you want to talk to Alok,
you have to talk to him by name.

Gupta.

Gupta.

Alok.

Yes.
Have we met?