Outnumbered (2007–2016): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
Schoolmaster Pete Brockman and his wife Sue, a part-time P.A.,feel 'outnumbered' by their three children - Jake,a worrier,about to start secondary school,five-year-old Karen,inquisitive about everything and Ben,at seven already a compulsive liar. It's back to school and Ben is claiming it's Show and Tell. He wants to take Pete's drill to school and Pete has to give him a fiver to stop him. Having demonstrated the use of a fork as a weapon Karen is discovered to have nits in her hair and wants to keep one as a pet. Sue sends her boss Veronica a less than polite email and blames it on Ben though she comes clean to Pete,who also admits to the bribe. He then makes a secret phone call.
You're a stupid slow waddling duck.
(Kids all talk at once)
(All shouting out at once)
Oh, you cheeky beasts.
..slimy oven glove.
You're germs from a fly.
- I've never been so insulted.
- you're hair!
You're stinky brain juice
from a diseased cave troll.
You are a dead wakhog's burp.
You're elephant poo that's stinky and yucky.
- All right, enough with the poo stuff.
- You're dead elephant's diarrhoea.
- Thank you.
- (All shout at once)
All right, enough of that.
(All shouting at once)
Thank you, enough of the poo jokes.
- ..horrible...
- Stop it.
I know,
let's play Fortunately, Unfortunately.
I'll start.
Fortunately, the sun was shining.
Unfortunately, I don't like burgers.
- You said you liked burgers.
- When did I say that?
When you wouldn't eat your fish.
I mean, what do you like?
Pudding.
You can't just eat puddings.
You can if you're a vegetarian.
Vegetarians eat up all their vegetables -
the clue is in the word.
- This isn't my bowl.
- It is your bowl!
Special bowl, special spoon, special cup.
Nice burgers.
Thank you, Deion.
Now, why can't I have children like you?
Can I have some lager?
Red Stripe if you have it.
Red Stripe?
My dad gives it to me.
Can I have some too?
Now, weren't we playing
Fortunately, Unfortunately?
Hm? Yeah, I think we were.
- Can I start?
- No, I'll start.
Fortunately, the dragon
who came to stay was friendly.
- (Phone)
- ..he rushed to the toilet
before he pooed his pants.
Unfortunately,
he left with all the food...
- Mum!
- Ah, thank you.
Hello?
Hm, just put it down.
Otto's dad had that, when he picked up
the phone, they always hung up.
Turns out... his wife was cheating on him.
Could you not do that at the table, please.
I'm revising.
- You're MSNing!
- About homework.
''Hello, Barney, I'm not doing my homework.''
- ''No, hi, Jake, neither am l.''
- Sarcasm.
- No, it's not.
- (Phone)
- Er...
- It's your mobile.
I know it's my mobile.
- (All) Ring, ring, ring!
- Vey funny! Shush.
Stop it, guys, that is really annoying.
- (All) Ring, ring, ring, ring.
- Ah!
Oh, Jesus!
- Hi, Veronica.
- (Phone)
Hang on a minute.
Hello. Oh, hi, Dad.
Jake, can you talk to your granddad
for a minute, please.
Sorry, Veronica.
- Hi, Granddad.
- Yeah.
No, no, you only have to say I live with you
if anyone from my school comes round.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, no, I'm at big school now.
Well, good for you.
Mm, yeah.
- No, it's Jake.
- Yeah.
- You kicked me.
- I'll email it later. Yes, this evening.
Yes, I'm sure you will still be there.
Yeah.
OK, bye.
Wouldn't need to stay in the office
till ten o'clock if you had any friends.
or a life or a... chin.
He wants to know
when Auntie Angela's back.
Don't we all.
Hi, Dad. No, I'm sorry, she hasn't seen fit
to tell us when she'll be dropping by.
(Karen) You kicked me.
(Ben) No, I didn't.
No, I don't know when she's coming back.
You started it.
I'm sorry, Dad,
I'll have to ring you back later.
OK. Right.
Karen and Ben, now just stop it!
Ben, stop, both of you.
- (Beeping)
- Karen, stop!
(Sirens)
Ben, see you did like it, well done,
and well done to you too, Deion.
- It was disgusting.
- You've done very well. Karen, eat up.
- Don't like it.
- Who's Angela?
Angela's our auntie.
Mum's older sister, she lives in America.
Comes round every now and then,
then Mum turns all creepy and weird.
l do not go creepy and weird.
Every time she comes round she has
a different colour hat and a different boyfriend.
This one's called Trent.
- I'm really looking forward to meeting him!
- Sarcasm.
What?
Sarcasm -
saying the opposite of what you mean.
- Just...
- Sorry I'm late.
- What happened?
- Oh, meeting.
- What about?
- Boring curriculum stuff.
Oh, right.
There you go.
Thanks.
No.
Family dinner, remember.
- Oh, yeah. Of course.
- How was school?
A girl in 5J has posted bits of dead badger
to the prime minister.
What, to protest against the badger cull?
Probably cos she was bored.
Still, I'm sure our new
head will now introduce
a not posting bits of dead badger
to prime ministers target.
My dad put a dead rat in my bed
and he said I'd wet it but I hadn't.
This is Deion.
Hi, Deion.
He didn't put a dead rat into your bed!
(Deion) He does things when he's drunk.
He throws bricks at me
and he fights policemen.
Nice tea, Ben's mum.
That's... That's OK.
We've finished, Mum. Can we get down?
- All right.
- Not till everyone's...
- OK.
- Not until...
Go on then.
Karen, I want you to finish that.
I don't like it
and also it's not in my special bowl.
I'm not eating out of a thing
that's not my bowl.
So, how was school?
Make any friends?
lt's the second day, Dad.
Make any enemies?
Try not to worry about this bullying thing.
There's no reason he should be bullied.
There's no reason why I was bullied.
You're dad said
it was because you were effeminate.
Not effeminate, sensitive.
And Jake's sensitive. They'd have him
for breakfast at my school.
They'd have Mike Tyson for breakfast
at your school.
Do I have to go to the school
that you... go to when I'm older?
No, no, sweetheak.
We'll commit fraud
and say you live at Granddad's.
Why do you have to go to the school
that you go to?
What, to teach?
Yeah.
Mm, well...
Is it cos you've been naughty?
No, I chose to do it.
Why?
Well... it was a long time ago
when Daddy was young,
and he thought he could get
quite rough children to learn to love histoy.
Daddy was wrong.
Now, go on, eat your peas.
I'm not eating out of it, if it's not my bowl.
- What's that?
- What's what?
What's that down there?
- (Sighs)
- Ben's dinner.
Oh, he's good.
OK, here's the deal, right -
you eat half the burger, OK,
and all these vegetables.
I'm only eating two things of one -
like, one piece of broccoli
and then another piece of broccoli.
- I'm not eating any more than two.
- No, you've gotta eat all these peas.
I'm just eating
like one corn and another corn.
No negotiation, right,
you're gonna eat all that food.
OK, that's it.
No deal, you're eating everything.
(Deep voice) Glory to Spartar!
- (Rings)
- (Both) Aargh!
OK, five spoonfuls.
Five spoonfuls.
N-O, no.
I'm not eating any more than two.
Four - four mouthfuls.
- Nope, I'm not...
- That's two times two. Come on, four.
No, I'm just eating two things.
- Three?
- One and a half.
There are children in Africa who are starving.
They'd love to eat all this stuff.
(Sighs) Why don't you just send it to them?
Go buy an envelope and send it to them.
You can't put this in an envelope, can you?
It'd all get crushed. You'd get sort of soup.
Well, you could put each thing
in a plastic bag and put it in the thing,
and then send it.
I'm not gonna put a burger in bubble wrap.
Just eat this.
(Rumbling overhead)
What are they doing up there?
Deion's mum should be here soon.
ls she eating up?
She's banging on
about how that's not her bowl.
Well, it isn't her bowl,
because I dropped hers this morning,
and I had to drive all the way to Ikea to get
her one that was identical, but it is identical.
Then how does she know?
l don't know. She must have... powers.
ls that Ben's bag?
No, it's Deion's.
Right.
God, his writing's much better than Ben's,
and his pictures.
And his maths!
God, what is wrong with that school?
What do you make of him though?
He's a bit odd, isn't he?
l mean, all that stuff about dead rat
and the bricks.
Just don't get involved.
Kids take the tiniest thing
and they blow it out of proportion.
Daddy, I've had one spoonful,
can I get down?
Yeah, all right.
Can someone get Pusscat from the car?
- OK.
- (Phone)
Oh, Veronica, you...
Hello.
Mm-hm.
(Mooing)
Hey, no, you're not having a biscuit.
Why not? Mum said I could have one.
That was before
you hid all your tea over there, wasn't it?
I didn't hide all my tea over there.
So who did hide your tea over there?
Deion.
Yeah, well, you're not exactly famous
for telling the truth, are you, Ben?
look at this - no fibs for a whole week.
One whole week.
Bloody Veronica!
She hates anyone who's had children.
She looks on it as slacking.
Ben's been showing me his chart,
he's very proud of it.
He's been putting his own stars on again,
hasn't he?
l put them up there.
l saw him make a tower to get the stickers
and put them on the chart,
and, um, also I saw him
cut a centipede in two with scissors.
lt's really not nice
to tell tales on your brother.
So, was it Ben who threw the quiche
on Tim and Suki's conservatoy roof?
- Yes.
- And was it Ben who buried...
- Pete!
- Can I have a biscuit?
Yes, but it's not a reward, it's, erm...
It's a biscuit.
Thank you.
He swore blind the quiche thing wasn't him.
This is getting even more out of control.
What does Dr Internet say?
Why do you always assume
that I've been on the...
OK, well, there's this woman in New Zealand
and she's doing this blog,
and she's got a son who's a bit like Ben.
- It's fairly reassuring.
- Because?
Because he's slightly worse than Ben.
Oh, well, that's all right then.
So, of the five billion people on earth,
we know one lies more than Ben.
D'you know, in some ways,
l would rather my child was best.
(Sirens)
- Another one from Angela?
- Yeah, a postcard.
Her favourite method of communication. It says
she'll be passing through in a couple of days,
with the emphasis on passing through.
It'll be the usual one-day royal visit
where she shows off her suntan,
and tells me that what I'm cooking
is full of poison.
And then she'll piss off
and Dad won't even get a...
Oh... Bin night.
I'm in big trouble when you leave.
This toilet roll's gonna go in a minute.
What have you been doing?
look, Mummy, it's a mummy.
Deion, your mummy's gonna... Your real
mummy's gonna be here in a minute.
look, take your loo roll and go and ty
and get some of that off before she comes.
He can't walk properly.
Ben, I need to have a chat with you.
Ben, listen to me.
- I didn't do it.
- What?
The, um... broken toilet roll holder.
- Ben?
- Yeah?
Have you ever heard of the story
called The Boy Who Cried Wolf?
Yes, it's about a boy
who has some sheep
- and he says that a wolf is attacking his sheep.
- Yes.
Nobody believes him and he gets munched up.
Yeah, and it's a story all about what?
lf you're gonna speak to me about lying,
there are no wolves around here.
We're in london, don't forget.
Yeah, the reason I'm talking about...
- You get wolves in Scotland.
- Yeah, thanks, Deion.
Ben, no one will like you if you lie,
- cos you tell...
- (Gun goes off)
Stop doing that while I'm talking.
In fact, give it to me.
Look, listen to me.
Listen, you must not lie.
What I do is sarcasm.
Sarcasm is saying the opposite
of what you mean. That's what Dad said.
- No, what you do...
- (Gun goes off)
- What you do is, you tell lies.
- No, I don't.
The upshot is, you tell lies,
and what you're saying is,
is if you do something like you say,
no, I didn't throw quiche
onto the conservatoy roof,
and you did throw quiche
onto the conservatoy roof.
You're saying that's sarcasm, are you?
- Yep.
- Oh, brilliant!
- Sarcasm.
- Yeah, that's sarcasm.
Deion, where are you?
Ben, I haven't finished yet.
Can you come back here, please.
Deion, I have to speak to Ben
for a little bit longer.
Ben, can you please come back here.
lt's tough starting seconday school,
eh, Jake?
l was, erm...
l was thinking about
when I started seconday school.
Mm.
There were a couple of boys
who picked on me.
Yeah, cos you were effeminate.
No, not because I was...
Dad, what's all this about you being a racist?
What? Where did you hear that?
Well, Susan Bentley's brother
goes to your school,
and he reckons you're in trouble
for being a racist or something.
Look, some... Some stupid parent
has made some stupid complaint,
but that absolutely
does not make me a racist, OK, Jake?
OK. I mean, it has to be said
you do shout at Ainsley Harriott rather a lot
when he's on the TV.
Everyone does that. I shout at Vanessa Felts,
Trinny and Susannah,
Davina McCall, Huw Edwards -
It does not make me a racist.
lf anyone is a racist, it is the parent
who is bringing the stupid complaint.
Jake, go and finish your homework.
- Do I have to?
- Mm-hm.
What racist complaint?
lt was that kid, Kamal again.
The fat Turkish kid?
Yeah. He was stuffing his face,
as per usual, in lessons -
munching his way through a bag of crisps,
and I said to him, purely frivolously,
''You could do with Ramadan lasting
all year round, couldn't you, Kamal?''
lt was quite witty, really.
And now his dad has said
that I singled him out because of his religion,
and apparently I've traumatised him
about his weight -
which is down to a glandular disorder,
it seems,
which presumably compels him
to thrust pies down his throat,
and that was it.
The governors won't take it seriously.
The governors?
He wrote to the LEA
so it has to go to the governors,
but they'll just kick it into the long grass.
l can't believe
that you were tying to keep this quiet.
l was gonna tell you when it was over.
Brilliant! So now I've got two members
of my family lying to me!
- I didn't want to worry you.
- (Thud above)
- (Ben) Aargh!
- (Sighs)
We should be sharing these things, Pete.
l know. I know, you're right.
Um...
What?
There was an incident
that was vaguely similar last year.
How similar?
Well, similar in that it was
another completely baseless complaint...
..and, er, it went to the governors.
(Sighs)
I mean,
you just can't make jokes these days.
That joke had no racial aspect.
lt was just an unfortunate coincidence...
that she was pregnant.
let me get this straight -
the school is investigating
whether you are racist.
But I am not a racist!
l am not racially prejudiced
in any shape or form.
Would you like some juice, Deion?
Do you want to play?
Do you want a toy?
OK, I'll have that one.
I'm worried about bullying.
Why are you worried about bullying?
I pushed Maisie.
Oh, you're worried you're a bully?
How many times did you push Maisie?
Once.
Then what happened?
She pushed me back,
then we played a game called Spy Dudes.
What's Spy Dudes?
It's where you have to follow a teacher around,
and, without them noticing,
and, erm, find out things about their life.
Did you find anything out?
Mm. I found out that one of the teacher's
husband had g... gout.
What's gout?
I'm not that sure.
Look, when the last complaint thing flared up,
it was just after your mum had died
- and I thought you had enough on your plate.
- But after that, you could've told me then.
After that, you got involved
in that argument with Angela.
Ben!
We're tying to have a...
(Ben) Sorry.
Hey, Deion, I found something really cool.
You know, she left you to sort out the will
and she wanted that second funeral.
God, yeah, when she was going through
her Druid phase.
I'm surprised
she didn't just wanna dig Mum up,
and leave her on the mountaintops
for the vultures to eat.
But this whole Kamal racist complaint thing
is absurd.
Yeah, nothing'll come of it.
- No, it'll just...
- Fizzle out.
- It's just blow over.
- Of course it will.
(Jake) Karen, look what I found in the bin.
lt's your bowl.
- No, it's not!
- Ben!
- (Karen) What is it?
- Nothing.
Jake, can you try not to leave the lights on.
You're the one that's worried
by global warming.
lt's not global warming
you want to wory about.
lt's the carbon bloom.
Carbon bloom?
When the tundra melts and all the peat releases
the carbon dioxide trapped in it,
then it goes into the earth's atmosphere,
and the temperature shoots up
by about ten degrees in a couple of days.
Right. Then what happens?
Everyone dies.
Excellent!
In the meantime,
I'll turn the bloody lights out.
(Sirens)
- What's this?
- Karen's birthday list.
Hama beads,
Blu-tack... donkey.
(Mooing)
Oh, hi, Deion.
Your mum'll be here soon.
It won't be Mum, she's in prison.
She's in prison?
I saw her in the playground last week.
She's in prison
for tying to kill the headmaster.
Oh, right, OK.
And how did she do that exactly?
With a deadly ray gun.
Well, let's hope she'll escape from prison
and pick you up really soon.
(Ben) Deion, where are you?
Ah, well, that all makes sense, doesn't it?
- What?
- It's where it's all coming from, the lying.
Because Ben really looks up to Deion.
There are classes, I suppose,
where there's a culture of lying,
- especially amongst boys.
- At least we haven't raised a sociopath.
I thought when we had a third child
it'd get easier.
I thought I'd get better at the Dad thing.
I think we wory too much.
It's impokant not to fall into the trap
of over-parenting.
More internet?
No, this book.
A book?
Do you think we over-parent
or do we under-parent?
Both, I think.
- Often at the same time.
- (Doorbell)
Ah, good, Deion's mum.
I can't wait to get them all into bed
and then just... collapse.
Trick or treat?
What?
Trick or treat?
But it's September!
Halloween isn't till the end of October.
Yeah, but we're away then, so, you know...
OK, Deion,
did you bring anything with you?
Coat, book, bag? Shoes?
- Are those my shoes?
- They're mine.
let's pop you up on here.
Where's the other shoe?
- Dad?
- Yes, Ben?
How many buckets of water
could fill an elephant?
I don't really know, Ben.
If it was like one that you could open the back
and pour water in, how long would it take?
- Erm...
- Would it take longer with custard?
OK, that's it, off we go.
- Are you OK, Deion?
- But you haven't answered my question.
How many buckets of water
would it take to fill an elephant?
4,615.
How long would that take?
Seven hours, 22 minutes.
- Are you sure?
- Could be quicker if you use a hose.
False alarm. Trick or treaters.
What, in September?
God, I hate all that American stuff.
God, so do l. It's like when Angela comes back
with all that sidewalk and cookie crap.
I mean, she's English!
No, no, sorry, she's a citizen of the world.
- Yeah, but that's only...
- I know what's gonna happen.
She's gonna drop by, she's gonna give Dad
half an hour of her precious time
and then she's gonna bugger off
to find herself again. I've been...
Can you stop going on
about bloody Angela?!
look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap,
it's just when you go off on one about Angela,
that's quite a lot of the day gone.
(Phone)
Hello?
Oh, hi. Oh, no, OK.
I'll bring him out. No, no, that's fine.
It's your mum, she can't park.
She's probably on the run from the police.
- The police thing isn't true.
- Really?
And my dad throwing the brick thing isn't true.
Isn't it?
Ben told me to say that stuff.
(Sighs)
Bye-bye, Ben's mum.
Thank you for having me.
Have you got everything?
Mum, can you get Pusscat from the car?
Did Mummy put you on the naughty step?
- Yes, that's right.
- What did you do?
l told her not to go on about something.
Mm.
You're not allowed to leave the naughty step
until Mummy says.
l have clearance from the parole board.
''Ben told me to say that stuff.''
l know.
l tell you something eke -
Pusscat isn't in the car.
Oh, God!
l had to nip out to Boots
and Karen had Pusscat,
but I think she must've dropped her...
Then, go to Boots, go, Boots, now!
But it's closed.
We're just gonna have to bluff like mad.
She's in the car...
..and we've lost the car keys.
- That's good.
- (Doorbell)
Oh, Deion must've left something behind.
Surprise!
Too right it's a surprise. Why didn't you ring?
Oh, God, here we go,
cos then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?
Hey, honey!
Oh, how are you?
Guys, where are you, it's Auntie Angela!
- It's their bedtime, try not to get them...
- She's got presents!
..excited.
Where are you all?
Who loves Auntie Angela?
Me, me, me, me, me, me me!
Have you got a bad back?
l know this wondemul Reiki guy.
He's a friend of Trent.
I'll give you his number.
There you go.
- oh.
- And... this is for Ben.
They're seeds
and you can make pictures with them.
They're from Bulgaria.
Say thank you, Ben.
- No, don't bother with all that stuff.
- Well, in this house,
you do have to bother
with all that stuff though.
- Ben?
- They're seeds!
Yes, you have to say thank you for presents,
even if they're seeds. Don't you?
Yeah, for all presents.
Say thank you.
Thank you.
Now, Jake, this is for you.
Thank you.
And, erm, Karen, what've I got for you?
look, it's a dream catcher. Isn't it beautiful?
It's made by the native Americans,
and it catches your dreams
and keeps them safe forever.
l had a dream about weasels eating me
last night and I don't want that one again.
Well, it wouldn't keep a dream like that,
it only keeps the nice ones.
How does it know which ones are the good
dreams and which ones are the bad dreams?
That's a very good question.
It knows which are the good dreams
cos it can see you smiling in your sleep.
What if you're smiling,
but it's a bad dream...
Erm... Erm...
..and it catches that one
and you have it again?
- It's more magical than that.
- How does it...
- Say thank you, Karen.
- Thank you.
So, nice to see you.
Yeah, right, well,
I'll go and make you a bed up.
Oh, I'm not staying.
No, of course you're not staying.
Dad has been ringing evey day for a week
to try and find out when you're coming,
and you know how anxious he gets now
with his... and you're just gonna drop in,
say hello, goodbye and run away again
as per usual, it's just not...
I'm staying with Dad.
Pardon?
I'm gonna stay with Dad.
I've left the states for good to stay with him.
I did a lot of thinking while I was on holiday,
and you're right, it's my turn.
And Dad's not gonna live forever.
I want to spend some time with him.
Well, that's great.
Thank you.
Isn't it?
Yeah, it... That... That really is great.
To Angela.
To Angela.
(Kids all talk at once)
(All shouting out at once)
Oh, you cheeky beasts.
..slimy oven glove.
You're germs from a fly.
- I've never been so insulted.
- you're hair!
You're stinky brain juice
from a diseased cave troll.
You are a dead wakhog's burp.
You're elephant poo that's stinky and yucky.
- All right, enough with the poo stuff.
- You're dead elephant's diarrhoea.
- Thank you.
- (All shout at once)
All right, enough of that.
(All shouting at once)
Thank you, enough of the poo jokes.
- ..horrible...
- Stop it.
I know,
let's play Fortunately, Unfortunately.
I'll start.
Fortunately, the sun was shining.
Unfortunately, I don't like burgers.
- You said you liked burgers.
- When did I say that?
When you wouldn't eat your fish.
I mean, what do you like?
Pudding.
You can't just eat puddings.
You can if you're a vegetarian.
Vegetarians eat up all their vegetables -
the clue is in the word.
- This isn't my bowl.
- It is your bowl!
Special bowl, special spoon, special cup.
Nice burgers.
Thank you, Deion.
Now, why can't I have children like you?
Can I have some lager?
Red Stripe if you have it.
Red Stripe?
My dad gives it to me.
Can I have some too?
Now, weren't we playing
Fortunately, Unfortunately?
Hm? Yeah, I think we were.
- Can I start?
- No, I'll start.
Fortunately, the dragon
who came to stay was friendly.
- (Phone)
- ..he rushed to the toilet
before he pooed his pants.
Unfortunately,
he left with all the food...
- Mum!
- Ah, thank you.
Hello?
Hm, just put it down.
Otto's dad had that, when he picked up
the phone, they always hung up.
Turns out... his wife was cheating on him.
Could you not do that at the table, please.
I'm revising.
- You're MSNing!
- About homework.
''Hello, Barney, I'm not doing my homework.''
- ''No, hi, Jake, neither am l.''
- Sarcasm.
- No, it's not.
- (Phone)
- Er...
- It's your mobile.
I know it's my mobile.
- (All) Ring, ring, ring!
- Vey funny! Shush.
Stop it, guys, that is really annoying.
- (All) Ring, ring, ring, ring.
- Ah!
Oh, Jesus!
- Hi, Veronica.
- (Phone)
Hang on a minute.
Hello. Oh, hi, Dad.
Jake, can you talk to your granddad
for a minute, please.
Sorry, Veronica.
- Hi, Granddad.
- Yeah.
No, no, you only have to say I live with you
if anyone from my school comes round.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, no, I'm at big school now.
Well, good for you.
Mm, yeah.
- No, it's Jake.
- Yeah.
- You kicked me.
- I'll email it later. Yes, this evening.
Yes, I'm sure you will still be there.
Yeah.
OK, bye.
Wouldn't need to stay in the office
till ten o'clock if you had any friends.
or a life or a... chin.
He wants to know
when Auntie Angela's back.
Don't we all.
Hi, Dad. No, I'm sorry, she hasn't seen fit
to tell us when she'll be dropping by.
(Karen) You kicked me.
(Ben) No, I didn't.
No, I don't know when she's coming back.
You started it.
I'm sorry, Dad,
I'll have to ring you back later.
OK. Right.
Karen and Ben, now just stop it!
Ben, stop, both of you.
- (Beeping)
- Karen, stop!
(Sirens)
Ben, see you did like it, well done,
and well done to you too, Deion.
- It was disgusting.
- You've done very well. Karen, eat up.
- Don't like it.
- Who's Angela?
Angela's our auntie.
Mum's older sister, she lives in America.
Comes round every now and then,
then Mum turns all creepy and weird.
l do not go creepy and weird.
Every time she comes round she has
a different colour hat and a different boyfriend.
This one's called Trent.
- I'm really looking forward to meeting him!
- Sarcasm.
What?
Sarcasm -
saying the opposite of what you mean.
- Just...
- Sorry I'm late.
- What happened?
- Oh, meeting.
- What about?
- Boring curriculum stuff.
Oh, right.
There you go.
Thanks.
No.
Family dinner, remember.
- Oh, yeah. Of course.
- How was school?
A girl in 5J has posted bits of dead badger
to the prime minister.
What, to protest against the badger cull?
Probably cos she was bored.
Still, I'm sure our new
head will now introduce
a not posting bits of dead badger
to prime ministers target.
My dad put a dead rat in my bed
and he said I'd wet it but I hadn't.
This is Deion.
Hi, Deion.
He didn't put a dead rat into your bed!
(Deion) He does things when he's drunk.
He throws bricks at me
and he fights policemen.
Nice tea, Ben's mum.
That's... That's OK.
We've finished, Mum. Can we get down?
- All right.
- Not till everyone's...
- OK.
- Not until...
Go on then.
Karen, I want you to finish that.
I don't like it
and also it's not in my special bowl.
I'm not eating out of a thing
that's not my bowl.
So, how was school?
Make any friends?
lt's the second day, Dad.
Make any enemies?
Try not to worry about this bullying thing.
There's no reason he should be bullied.
There's no reason why I was bullied.
You're dad said
it was because you were effeminate.
Not effeminate, sensitive.
And Jake's sensitive. They'd have him
for breakfast at my school.
They'd have Mike Tyson for breakfast
at your school.
Do I have to go to the school
that you... go to when I'm older?
No, no, sweetheak.
We'll commit fraud
and say you live at Granddad's.
Why do you have to go to the school
that you go to?
What, to teach?
Yeah.
Mm, well...
Is it cos you've been naughty?
No, I chose to do it.
Why?
Well... it was a long time ago
when Daddy was young,
and he thought he could get
quite rough children to learn to love histoy.
Daddy was wrong.
Now, go on, eat your peas.
I'm not eating out of it, if it's not my bowl.
- What's that?
- What's what?
What's that down there?
- (Sighs)
- Ben's dinner.
Oh, he's good.
OK, here's the deal, right -
you eat half the burger, OK,
and all these vegetables.
I'm only eating two things of one -
like, one piece of broccoli
and then another piece of broccoli.
- I'm not eating any more than two.
- No, you've gotta eat all these peas.
I'm just eating
like one corn and another corn.
No negotiation, right,
you're gonna eat all that food.
OK, that's it.
No deal, you're eating everything.
(Deep voice) Glory to Spartar!
- (Rings)
- (Both) Aargh!
OK, five spoonfuls.
Five spoonfuls.
N-O, no.
I'm not eating any more than two.
Four - four mouthfuls.
- Nope, I'm not...
- That's two times two. Come on, four.
No, I'm just eating two things.
- Three?
- One and a half.
There are children in Africa who are starving.
They'd love to eat all this stuff.
(Sighs) Why don't you just send it to them?
Go buy an envelope and send it to them.
You can't put this in an envelope, can you?
It'd all get crushed. You'd get sort of soup.
Well, you could put each thing
in a plastic bag and put it in the thing,
and then send it.
I'm not gonna put a burger in bubble wrap.
Just eat this.
(Rumbling overhead)
What are they doing up there?
Deion's mum should be here soon.
ls she eating up?
She's banging on
about how that's not her bowl.
Well, it isn't her bowl,
because I dropped hers this morning,
and I had to drive all the way to Ikea to get
her one that was identical, but it is identical.
Then how does she know?
l don't know. She must have... powers.
ls that Ben's bag?
No, it's Deion's.
Right.
God, his writing's much better than Ben's,
and his pictures.
And his maths!
God, what is wrong with that school?
What do you make of him though?
He's a bit odd, isn't he?
l mean, all that stuff about dead rat
and the bricks.
Just don't get involved.
Kids take the tiniest thing
and they blow it out of proportion.
Daddy, I've had one spoonful,
can I get down?
Yeah, all right.
Can someone get Pusscat from the car?
- OK.
- (Phone)
Oh, Veronica, you...
Hello.
Mm-hm.
(Mooing)
Hey, no, you're not having a biscuit.
Why not? Mum said I could have one.
That was before
you hid all your tea over there, wasn't it?
I didn't hide all my tea over there.
So who did hide your tea over there?
Deion.
Yeah, well, you're not exactly famous
for telling the truth, are you, Ben?
look at this - no fibs for a whole week.
One whole week.
Bloody Veronica!
She hates anyone who's had children.
She looks on it as slacking.
Ben's been showing me his chart,
he's very proud of it.
He's been putting his own stars on again,
hasn't he?
l put them up there.
l saw him make a tower to get the stickers
and put them on the chart,
and, um, also I saw him
cut a centipede in two with scissors.
lt's really not nice
to tell tales on your brother.
So, was it Ben who threw the quiche
on Tim and Suki's conservatoy roof?
- Yes.
- And was it Ben who buried...
- Pete!
- Can I have a biscuit?
Yes, but it's not a reward, it's, erm...
It's a biscuit.
Thank you.
He swore blind the quiche thing wasn't him.
This is getting even more out of control.
What does Dr Internet say?
Why do you always assume
that I've been on the...
OK, well, there's this woman in New Zealand
and she's doing this blog,
and she's got a son who's a bit like Ben.
- It's fairly reassuring.
- Because?
Because he's slightly worse than Ben.
Oh, well, that's all right then.
So, of the five billion people on earth,
we know one lies more than Ben.
D'you know, in some ways,
l would rather my child was best.
(Sirens)
- Another one from Angela?
- Yeah, a postcard.
Her favourite method of communication. It says
she'll be passing through in a couple of days,
with the emphasis on passing through.
It'll be the usual one-day royal visit
where she shows off her suntan,
and tells me that what I'm cooking
is full of poison.
And then she'll piss off
and Dad won't even get a...
Oh... Bin night.
I'm in big trouble when you leave.
This toilet roll's gonna go in a minute.
What have you been doing?
look, Mummy, it's a mummy.
Deion, your mummy's gonna... Your real
mummy's gonna be here in a minute.
look, take your loo roll and go and ty
and get some of that off before she comes.
He can't walk properly.
Ben, I need to have a chat with you.
Ben, listen to me.
- I didn't do it.
- What?
The, um... broken toilet roll holder.
- Ben?
- Yeah?
Have you ever heard of the story
called The Boy Who Cried Wolf?
Yes, it's about a boy
who has some sheep
- and he says that a wolf is attacking his sheep.
- Yes.
Nobody believes him and he gets munched up.
Yeah, and it's a story all about what?
lf you're gonna speak to me about lying,
there are no wolves around here.
We're in london, don't forget.
Yeah, the reason I'm talking about...
- You get wolves in Scotland.
- Yeah, thanks, Deion.
Ben, no one will like you if you lie,
- cos you tell...
- (Gun goes off)
Stop doing that while I'm talking.
In fact, give it to me.
Look, listen to me.
Listen, you must not lie.
What I do is sarcasm.
Sarcasm is saying the opposite
of what you mean. That's what Dad said.
- No, what you do...
- (Gun goes off)
- What you do is, you tell lies.
- No, I don't.
The upshot is, you tell lies,
and what you're saying is,
is if you do something like you say,
no, I didn't throw quiche
onto the conservatoy roof,
and you did throw quiche
onto the conservatoy roof.
You're saying that's sarcasm, are you?
- Yep.
- Oh, brilliant!
- Sarcasm.
- Yeah, that's sarcasm.
Deion, where are you?
Ben, I haven't finished yet.
Can you come back here, please.
Deion, I have to speak to Ben
for a little bit longer.
Ben, can you please come back here.
lt's tough starting seconday school,
eh, Jake?
l was, erm...
l was thinking about
when I started seconday school.
Mm.
There were a couple of boys
who picked on me.
Yeah, cos you were effeminate.
No, not because I was...
Dad, what's all this about you being a racist?
What? Where did you hear that?
Well, Susan Bentley's brother
goes to your school,
and he reckons you're in trouble
for being a racist or something.
Look, some... Some stupid parent
has made some stupid complaint,
but that absolutely
does not make me a racist, OK, Jake?
OK. I mean, it has to be said
you do shout at Ainsley Harriott rather a lot
when he's on the TV.
Everyone does that. I shout at Vanessa Felts,
Trinny and Susannah,
Davina McCall, Huw Edwards -
It does not make me a racist.
lf anyone is a racist, it is the parent
who is bringing the stupid complaint.
Jake, go and finish your homework.
- Do I have to?
- Mm-hm.
What racist complaint?
lt was that kid, Kamal again.
The fat Turkish kid?
Yeah. He was stuffing his face,
as per usual, in lessons -
munching his way through a bag of crisps,
and I said to him, purely frivolously,
''You could do with Ramadan lasting
all year round, couldn't you, Kamal?''
lt was quite witty, really.
And now his dad has said
that I singled him out because of his religion,
and apparently I've traumatised him
about his weight -
which is down to a glandular disorder,
it seems,
which presumably compels him
to thrust pies down his throat,
and that was it.
The governors won't take it seriously.
The governors?
He wrote to the LEA
so it has to go to the governors,
but they'll just kick it into the long grass.
l can't believe
that you were tying to keep this quiet.
l was gonna tell you when it was over.
Brilliant! So now I've got two members
of my family lying to me!
- I didn't want to worry you.
- (Thud above)
- (Ben) Aargh!
- (Sighs)
We should be sharing these things, Pete.
l know. I know, you're right.
Um...
What?
There was an incident
that was vaguely similar last year.
How similar?
Well, similar in that it was
another completely baseless complaint...
..and, er, it went to the governors.
(Sighs)
I mean,
you just can't make jokes these days.
That joke had no racial aspect.
lt was just an unfortunate coincidence...
that she was pregnant.
let me get this straight -
the school is investigating
whether you are racist.
But I am not a racist!
l am not racially prejudiced
in any shape or form.
Would you like some juice, Deion?
Do you want to play?
Do you want a toy?
OK, I'll have that one.
I'm worried about bullying.
Why are you worried about bullying?
I pushed Maisie.
Oh, you're worried you're a bully?
How many times did you push Maisie?
Once.
Then what happened?
She pushed me back,
then we played a game called Spy Dudes.
What's Spy Dudes?
It's where you have to follow a teacher around,
and, without them noticing,
and, erm, find out things about their life.
Did you find anything out?
Mm. I found out that one of the teacher's
husband had g... gout.
What's gout?
I'm not that sure.
Look, when the last complaint thing flared up,
it was just after your mum had died
- and I thought you had enough on your plate.
- But after that, you could've told me then.
After that, you got involved
in that argument with Angela.
Ben!
We're tying to have a...
(Ben) Sorry.
Hey, Deion, I found something really cool.
You know, she left you to sort out the will
and she wanted that second funeral.
God, yeah, when she was going through
her Druid phase.
I'm surprised
she didn't just wanna dig Mum up,
and leave her on the mountaintops
for the vultures to eat.
But this whole Kamal racist complaint thing
is absurd.
Yeah, nothing'll come of it.
- No, it'll just...
- Fizzle out.
- It's just blow over.
- Of course it will.
(Jake) Karen, look what I found in the bin.
lt's your bowl.
- No, it's not!
- Ben!
- (Karen) What is it?
- Nothing.
Jake, can you try not to leave the lights on.
You're the one that's worried
by global warming.
lt's not global warming
you want to wory about.
lt's the carbon bloom.
Carbon bloom?
When the tundra melts and all the peat releases
the carbon dioxide trapped in it,
then it goes into the earth's atmosphere,
and the temperature shoots up
by about ten degrees in a couple of days.
Right. Then what happens?
Everyone dies.
Excellent!
In the meantime,
I'll turn the bloody lights out.
(Sirens)
- What's this?
- Karen's birthday list.
Hama beads,
Blu-tack... donkey.
(Mooing)
Oh, hi, Deion.
Your mum'll be here soon.
It won't be Mum, she's in prison.
She's in prison?
I saw her in the playground last week.
She's in prison
for tying to kill the headmaster.
Oh, right, OK.
And how did she do that exactly?
With a deadly ray gun.
Well, let's hope she'll escape from prison
and pick you up really soon.
(Ben) Deion, where are you?
Ah, well, that all makes sense, doesn't it?
- What?
- It's where it's all coming from, the lying.
Because Ben really looks up to Deion.
There are classes, I suppose,
where there's a culture of lying,
- especially amongst boys.
- At least we haven't raised a sociopath.
I thought when we had a third child
it'd get easier.
I thought I'd get better at the Dad thing.
I think we wory too much.
It's impokant not to fall into the trap
of over-parenting.
More internet?
No, this book.
A book?
Do you think we over-parent
or do we under-parent?
Both, I think.
- Often at the same time.
- (Doorbell)
Ah, good, Deion's mum.
I can't wait to get them all into bed
and then just... collapse.
Trick or treat?
What?
Trick or treat?
But it's September!
Halloween isn't till the end of October.
Yeah, but we're away then, so, you know...
OK, Deion,
did you bring anything with you?
Coat, book, bag? Shoes?
- Are those my shoes?
- They're mine.
let's pop you up on here.
Where's the other shoe?
- Dad?
- Yes, Ben?
How many buckets of water
could fill an elephant?
I don't really know, Ben.
If it was like one that you could open the back
and pour water in, how long would it take?
- Erm...
- Would it take longer with custard?
OK, that's it, off we go.
- Are you OK, Deion?
- But you haven't answered my question.
How many buckets of water
would it take to fill an elephant?
4,615.
How long would that take?
Seven hours, 22 minutes.
- Are you sure?
- Could be quicker if you use a hose.
False alarm. Trick or treaters.
What, in September?
God, I hate all that American stuff.
God, so do l. It's like when Angela comes back
with all that sidewalk and cookie crap.
I mean, she's English!
No, no, sorry, she's a citizen of the world.
- Yeah, but that's only...
- I know what's gonna happen.
She's gonna drop by, she's gonna give Dad
half an hour of her precious time
and then she's gonna bugger off
to find herself again. I've been...
Can you stop going on
about bloody Angela?!
look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap,
it's just when you go off on one about Angela,
that's quite a lot of the day gone.
(Phone)
Hello?
Oh, hi. Oh, no, OK.
I'll bring him out. No, no, that's fine.
It's your mum, she can't park.
She's probably on the run from the police.
- The police thing isn't true.
- Really?
And my dad throwing the brick thing isn't true.
Isn't it?
Ben told me to say that stuff.
(Sighs)
Bye-bye, Ben's mum.
Thank you for having me.
Have you got everything?
Mum, can you get Pusscat from the car?
Did Mummy put you on the naughty step?
- Yes, that's right.
- What did you do?
l told her not to go on about something.
Mm.
You're not allowed to leave the naughty step
until Mummy says.
l have clearance from the parole board.
''Ben told me to say that stuff.''
l know.
l tell you something eke -
Pusscat isn't in the car.
Oh, God!
l had to nip out to Boots
and Karen had Pusscat,
but I think she must've dropped her...
Then, go to Boots, go, Boots, now!
But it's closed.
We're just gonna have to bluff like mad.
She's in the car...
..and we've lost the car keys.
- That's good.
- (Doorbell)
Oh, Deion must've left something behind.
Surprise!
Too right it's a surprise. Why didn't you ring?
Oh, God, here we go,
cos then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?
Hey, honey!
Oh, how are you?
Guys, where are you, it's Auntie Angela!
- It's their bedtime, try not to get them...
- She's got presents!
..excited.
Where are you all?
Who loves Auntie Angela?
Me, me, me, me, me, me me!
Have you got a bad back?
l know this wondemul Reiki guy.
He's a friend of Trent.
I'll give you his number.
There you go.
- oh.
- And... this is for Ben.
They're seeds
and you can make pictures with them.
They're from Bulgaria.
Say thank you, Ben.
- No, don't bother with all that stuff.
- Well, in this house,
you do have to bother
with all that stuff though.
- Ben?
- They're seeds!
Yes, you have to say thank you for presents,
even if they're seeds. Don't you?
Yeah, for all presents.
Say thank you.
Thank you.
Now, Jake, this is for you.
Thank you.
And, erm, Karen, what've I got for you?
look, it's a dream catcher. Isn't it beautiful?
It's made by the native Americans,
and it catches your dreams
and keeps them safe forever.
l had a dream about weasels eating me
last night and I don't want that one again.
Well, it wouldn't keep a dream like that,
it only keeps the nice ones.
How does it know which ones are the good
dreams and which ones are the bad dreams?
That's a very good question.
It knows which are the good dreams
cos it can see you smiling in your sleep.
What if you're smiling,
but it's a bad dream...
Erm... Erm...
..and it catches that one
and you have it again?
- It's more magical than that.
- How does it...
- Say thank you, Karen.
- Thank you.
So, nice to see you.
Yeah, right, well,
I'll go and make you a bed up.
Oh, I'm not staying.
No, of course you're not staying.
Dad has been ringing evey day for a week
to try and find out when you're coming,
and you know how anxious he gets now
with his... and you're just gonna drop in,
say hello, goodbye and run away again
as per usual, it's just not...
I'm staying with Dad.
Pardon?
I'm gonna stay with Dad.
I've left the states for good to stay with him.
I did a lot of thinking while I was on holiday,
and you're right, it's my turn.
And Dad's not gonna live forever.
I want to spend some time with him.
Well, that's great.
Thank you.
Isn't it?
Yeah, it... That... That really is great.
To Angela.
To Angela.