Outmatched (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Dating - full transcript

Come on, guys, I'm hungry.
Let's get to the Pasta Pit.

Hey, Leils, warm up the car, will you?

Here are the keys.

I got my own.

I'm actually videoconferencing
with a village in Benin,

so I can't come.

Well, your loss.

Today's my fake birthday,

so you'll miss out on some free cake.

You're lying.

Your voice dropped two
decibels on the word "village."



What? You're crazy.

That's your fake laugh.

Therefore, you don't think he's crazy.

What are you up to?

I detect a faint whiff
of propylene glycol,

so your legs are recently shaved.

Remnants of a purifying mask.

Charcoal.

Nails painted, hair done.

Nervous glances at
your phone. I've got it.

You're practicing for the LSAT.

No, you dummies.
She's having a boy over.

And she lied to us about it!

This is terrible.



I'm shocked and horrified,
just like a real dad.

So, what's his name?
Where'd you meet him?

Is he exactly like me,
or the complete opposite of me?

'Cause... that'll say a lot
about what issues I gave you.

His name is Tyler.
That's all you're getting.

And I'm texting him to cancel.

Absolutely not.

You lied, and you are punished,
young lady.

That boy is coming over
whether you like it or not.

Yep. And we are waiting
right here to meet him.

This is so unfair.

Life's unfair.

We finally got to say it.

All right, I'll order the pizza,

everyone meet back
here in 20 for the show.

Go.

I pressed the button, and the car's

rolling down the driveway.

Never mind, it stopped.

Can you believe it?

One of our kids is bringing
home a dating person.

I know.

I hope he does that
thing where he meets me

and he's like, "Nicole,
I didn't know you had a sister."

And I giggle, all flattered,
even though... we both know.

I have a question for Dad.

Why would Nicole
paint her nails for a boy?

Well, buddy,

you see, she's trying to look her best

to make a good impression
because she likes him.

So, should I do my hair
before our interactions?

Because I like you.

Thank God.

Uh, but no, no.
It-It's a different kind of like.

It's like how I feel about Mom.

When I see her,
my heart races and I smile.

Interesting.

That happened to me
today at the art museum

when I saw Katherine Holdingham.

Yeah?

Wow, that's great, buddy. Well...

you've come to the right place.

Your old man knows a thing
or two about the ladies.

First thing, never do that.

You think you'll see her again?

Perhaps.

I'll go shave my legs, just in case.

Well, that was almost normal.
I'm taking the "W."

He's here.

Oh, okay, okay.

Uh, how can I look
intimidating when he walks in?

Uh, push-ups? Oh, no.

Anyone have a gun I can be cleaning?

Use my gun.

Thank you, sweetie,
but that's not really scary.

Oh!

We let you use that?!

I'm the fourth kid.
My rules are different.

Do not embarrass me tonight.

Okay, I'm serious.

Relax, we're gonna leave you two alone.

Yeah, come on,
we're not those type of parents.

You kids have fun.

- Hey, you.
- We were lying.

We're totally those type of parents.

- So, this is famous Tyler.
- Sup?

I didn't know you had a sister.

Oh, stop.

I'm her mom.

Yeah, I know, ma'am.

I'm talking about that little girl.

Sup?

Oh, whoa, is that
your Vette parked out there?

Wow, yeah, that's a pretty sweet ride.

In high school,
I had one just like it...

almost run me over.

Oh, no, it's not mine.

I'm a valet at the mall,
so as long as I keep it running,

I'm technically still parking it.

He's so humble. He's not just a valet.

He's also an artist. Tell them.

Well, you know the, uh, "Sunrise" mural

outside of the Billings Library?

Oh. Wow, yeah,
that's actually really good.

Yeah. I graffitied the penises on it.

Oh.

Those are very... realistic.

Well, I have one, so it's easy.

I, too, have one.

I'm the brother.

I don't need to know your name,
you don't need to know mine.

It's Brian.

But you hurt my sister,
you answer to me.

I respect that.
You know, you're a good brother.

Do whatever you want with her!

Come on, Ty,
there's pizza in the kitchen.

How does he keep his hair so wet?

Should we be worried about this?

Worried? About Nicole?

No. Come on, Kay.

Trust me, a-as someone
who's been manipulated

by her many, many times,

she's working an angle with this guy.

Ty... use a plate!

That's her real laugh.

There's no angle. She likes that guy.

I wonder if he has a brother.

Look at this punk's Instagram.

- Let me see.
- I don't like it.

A guy like this only wants one thing.

All guys that age only want one thing.

Yeah, but I'm worried he could actually

figure out how to get it.

Oh, he could get it.

They growing 'em good these days.

I'm in the damn room.

No, Mike's right.

This is the guy you throw
your teaching career away on,

not your first boyfriend.

He's gonna break her heart.

Your first love should
be a good experience.

Well, lucky for me,
I married my first love.

Mine was Doug.

Mine was also Doug.

Remember how sexy he was?

- The motorcycle.
- The mesh tank.

The frosted tips. Oh!

Whatever. Doug.

What kind of sexy guy
has a name like Doug?

Yeah, you tell 'em, Irwin.

And I fell hard for him.

Then he cheated on me.
Destroyed my confidence.

- Took years to get it back.
- Mm.

Went through a bunch of
Dylans and Damons and Daryls.

Just an endless parade of Ds.

I know how this hurts me.

Can you please explain
how it helps our daughter?

Don't worry, I am gonna talk to Nicole

and convince her
that Tyler is a bad idea

before she gets her heart broken.

Oh, Doug accepted my friend request.

Girl!

Will you not disrespect me in
front of our white friends?

Thank you for bringing me
to the museum, Dad.

And thank me, since it's this bad boy

that got us in free.

You folks need a map?

- Thanks, but we're...
- Aah!

Oh, my God. I-I'm so sorry.

So, you think Katherine Holdingham

is gonna be here again?

She's here all the time.

Oh... an older woman.

All right. You should go talk to her.

That won't be strange?

No, not at all.

But feel free to ask me that

about every other instinct you have.

Okay, so that guard's
in pretty bad shape there.

Gonna need your statement
for the incident report.

Look at your brother, Bri.

I feel like Marc and I are
finally on the same page.

And now, with my guidance, he's...

Hi.

... talking to a painting.

Because Katherine Holdingham is actually

Katherine Holding Ham.

And she's a painting.

Hey, Nic. What you doing?

Texting Tyler.

He just sent "Hey, girrl" with two Rs.

He's so funny.

So, is Tyler, like... your boyfriend?

Unofficially, yes.

But officially,
he says he's not into labels.

Mm. Well, if I had to label that,

it'd probably be something like,
I don't know, red flag.

I mean, are you sure about Tyler?

I mean, don't you want somebody
who's smart or ambitious

or respects the terms and
conditions of the valet ticket?

That's why I like him.

He challenges the status quo.

Just by taking the cars,

he's upending our very
definition of ownership.

And what's he challenging
with the penises?

He's making a statement about
the role of sex in society.

Feels like the statement is
"I can only draw penises."

Look, it's fine. You don't like him.

But I don't care.

Because when I'm with him, I'm happy.

You just don't get it because
you don't know him like I do.

Oh, believe me.

I know him better than you ever will.

Come on. We're taking a field trip.

- Why are we at a mechanic?
- This isn't a mechanic.

It's a cautionary tale.

Hey, Doug.

Is that Kay Mollen?

Look at you. Like a Mercedes-Benz.

Doesn't matter how many miles
are on you, you still look good.

I hate the part of me
that kind of likes that.

Anyway, there's someone
I'd like you to meet.

Oh, I see. Been here before.

Hi, sweetie. Uh, I know
I've missed a few birthdays,

I can't promise I'll be...

God, no.
I just wanted to introduce Nicole

to my first-ever boyfriend.

Uh... "boyfriend."

Whoa, babe, I told you 20 years ago,
I'm not into labels.

That includes "dad." You call me Doug.

You know, Doug has a very artistic soul.

How's the band?

Arcade fire.

You were in Arcade Fire?

No, that's how our last gig ended.

Yeah, rock and roll burned it down!

Actually, the court ruled
it was our bassist.

Anyway, I really liked Doug,
but it ended badly.

Yeah. You broke my heart.

No, you broke my bicycle,

banging Jenny Furman
on it at my sweet 16.

Oh, yeah, that was a good party.

I banged Jenny Furman at that party.

Right, I just...

Hey, am I crazy,
or is there still something here?

Meet me in the tire room, five minutes.

I got a bicycle back there.

Now, you get why I brought you here?

- I can't believe it.
- Well, believe it.

I had no idea you could
pull such a smoke show.

No! What? That's not the takeaway.

I knew you could get guys
like Dad, but him?

I've literally never been
more impressed by you.

No, I...

Well, yeah, I did all right.

I want to hear everything.

There's so much I can
finally learn from you.

No, that's really not...

You know what, let's go get coffee.

Yo, I'm looking for somebody named Doug.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

I just picked up dinner.

We're having ham.

Ha, ha, very funny.

Because I helped Marc fall
in love with a painting

of a girl holding ham.

No.

Just felt like ham.

What's this about our son?

Nothing, ham sounds great.

Marc will love it. So...

how's it going with breaking
up Nicole and Tyler?

Actually, I talked to Nicole,

and we came up with
a better plan for Tyler.

We're gonna fix him.

Oh! Yeah, okay, well,

worked on my old Doberman.

No, no. Look.

I told Nicole my concerns about Tyler.

And we realized, between
her brains and my experience,

we can turn Tyler into a decent
guy who won't break her heart.

Okay.

Okay.

So, instead of breaking them up,

you are milking it so that

you can spend more time with her.

- No.
- That's your "yes" no.

Fine.

But she's actually
listening to me for once.

We're, like, bonding.

Imagine Brian comes to you and wants

to toss the old pigskin around...
What are you gonna do?

I'd assume there was a pig carcass

lying somewhere in our house.

But, yeah, I mean, I guess

if it was football, I'd be excited.

Well, Tyler's our football.

Look, I wouldn't be doing this
if I didn't think it could work.

Fine.

And, you should know,
I took Nicole to see Doug.

Did he at least get fat?

Yes.

That's your "no" yes!

So, a painting, huh?

That's a new one.

Is she hot, at least?

She's like a modern six,
Renaissance nine.

But it's still weird, and it's my fault

for telling him to go talk to it.

I was just trying to connect, you know?

I thought he was doing something normal.

Normal hasn't lived here
in a long time, Mike.

Well, I learned my lesson.

Now I just got to keep
him away from that museum.

Well, I don't know.

You know, half the reason
Rita married me

was 'cause her parents hated me.

They forbid her from seeing me.

There were a lot of

"over my dead bodies"

and "not under my roof."

And "No, everyone else stay, he leaves.

"No. Stay where you are.

"Don't feel bad for him.

"Put down the rolls.

"You sit.

"You down, he leaves.

"And lock the door on your way out.

"And start with the top lock
'cause it's a tricky door.

"You got to lift up and pull out.

'Cause it's been
swollen since the rain."

There were a lot of those?

The point is, if you forbid it,

you'll only drive him to that
painting's ham-holding hands.

No, you got to act
like you're cool with it,

and then maybe he'll lose interest.

- Yeah, maybe you're right.
- Mm-hmm.

- Thanks, Irwin.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, listen,
if you ever need my help, I...

I got Doug in my trunk.

Most people go for the lead guitarist,

but let me give you a tip.

The drummer's usually in better shape

and the backstage passes are the same.

That's brilliant.

Mom, you're awesome.

I know this is weird,

but could you write that
on a mug, glaze it,

and make sure I'm buried with it?

Oh, by the way,

I got through that whole Tyler
to-do list you gave me, yeah.

Even got him to take
"Vape Lord" off his résumé.

Wow, this was supposed
to take you all week.

- How'd you find time to do it all?
- Oh, it wasn't hard.

I mean,
I did have to quit Model UN, but...

Wait, you what?!

You can't quit Model UN.

What are you, North Korea?

I'm trying to save Tyler
from a fate worse than Doug.

That's more important than
sharing fake nuclear technology

with pretend China.

No, it's...

You shouldn't give up
on the things you love

for some guy who's just
gonna screw you over.

I messed up.

This was a mistake.

What do you mean?

This was your idea.

I was being selfish.

I know better than anyone,

you can't change Tylers or Dougs.

I was just excited to be
spending time with you.

You have to stop seeing Tyler.

End of discussion.

No.

I can make my own decisions.

I'm too smart to let myself

get manipulated like you did.

Excuse me?

Ever think maybe the
problem wasn't the guys?

Oh. Then who was it?

If the broken bicycle seat fits...

Okay, you are grounded.

And for the record,
they didn't break the seat,

they snapped off the handlebars.

All right, buddy,
go hang with your painting.

I'll just wait back here
and try to find a statue

I can set up with your brother.

Actually, I think it would be
good for you to talk to her.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm-I'm good.

I can just, you know...

Hey.

Dad, I know you don't understand,

but I would like you to try.

Okay.

I am...

cool with that.

Hey there.

I'm just, uh, gonna pretend
to talk for a minute,

because I told my son I would, so...

And, yep, he's watching, so...

Ah, things you do for your kids, right?

You have kids?

I see you have some meat.

But you also have such sad eyes.

Well, I guess I'd be sad, too,
if I had a ham in my hands

for 200 years and couldn't eat it.

Or maybe you wish the
ham was something else?

Yeah.

Yeah, I get that.

See, I have this brilliant kid.

Oh. You know Marc.

Anyway, sometimes
I wish he was just, like,

a regular dummy, you know,
because then I'd...

then I'd understand him.

I mean, you connect better
with him than I do.

Maybe it's that...

flicker of hope in your smile.

It's kind of reassuring, actually.

Like, maybe there's hope for me, too.

Boy...

Tell you, I feel better
just standing here.

I feel calm, and inspired, and...

Oh, my God, I get it now.

I get art!

Marc, I understand.

You... you're not
attracted to the painting.

- Huh?
- You like it because

you feel a connection to it.
And now I do, too.

Which means I'm connecting with you.

That's nice, but I think
you're weirding people out.

I need backup in room two.

We got another weirdo who
wants to pork a painting.

"After the empire's massacre, Genghis
returned to Mongolia with the heads

- of his conquests as a..."
- Hey, Nik.

We need to talk about yesterday.

Mom, we were about to get
to what the heads were for!

Wait.

Nicole, what's wrong?

Nothing, I'm still mad at you.

No. When you're mad,
you like to be alone.

You're being ridiculous.

And that's your fake laugh,
so I'm not ridiculous.

What's going on?

Tyler screwed her over.

Really?

I give her dessert.

She's on my payroll.

What happened?

I skipped my Illuminati
of Tomorrow meeting,

so that Tyler could
pick me up from school,

but he never showed.

So, I took an Uber to his house.

Where I caught him making
out with another girl.

Sweetie, I am so sorry.

I don't understand.

I'm supposed to be smart.

How could I be so naive?

'Cause it doesn't matter
how smart you are,

the heart is dumb.

But I promise

you are going to have an easier time

with heartbreak than I did,

because you have
something that I didn't.

Potential.

Good to know Nicole is still
in there, but no.

You have me!

Look, we can go get...

mani-pedis and eat ice cream,

and all that crap, or we could skip

to what'll really
make you feel better...

revenge.

Leila, charge

the walkie-talkies and round
up all the toilet paper.

Can we put pantyhose on our faces?

Yeah, just grab the ones from last time.

Yes!

Okay, so the thing you need
to understand is that it's not

about the art,
it's about how it makes you feel.

Oh, well, right now I'm feeling tricked,

because you said we were
doing something fun.

Okay, wait until you see her.

She's right over he...

Uh, sorry, excuse me?

Where's the painting that was here?

Oh, that was just on loan.

So, she's gone?

Oh... buddy,

I'm sorry.

I know it hurts, but...

you'll find another painting
that makes you feel...

just like Katherine did.

But it's not gonna be today.

Let's get out of here.

- Really?
- Oh.