Outmatched (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Grandparents - full transcript

What's that sad bouncy house for?

That is an air mattress.

And I think we all know what it's for.

Marital strife.

Ha! Not this time.

Nope.

Actually, the air mattress
is for Nicole.

You're sleeping in Mark and
Leila's room for a few days

because...

Grandma and Grandpa are coming. Yay!

[GROANING]



Seriously? It's like being
visited by two time travelers

here to tell us which stores
used to be other stores.

All right, okay, listen.

I-I know having them
here isn't always easy...

But you have to understand
they come from a generation

where food and criticism
are how you show love.

Let's be honest.

Thanks to technology, the oral tradition

that once made Grandma
and Grandpa relevant

has been rendered obsolete.

They're the AOL of people.

They do make weird
sounds when starting up.

And they love telling
us when we have mail.

But that's helpful.



Yes. I think there's still a lot

Grandma and Grandpa can teach us.

Oh. Thanks, buddy.

They will likely be our
introduction to death.

You guys don't enjoy it
when they're here, either.

Last time they came
Mom broke out a puzzle

and you left to go watch the sunset.

It was 8:00 a.m.

When are they coming?

Well...

Bang. You're all dead.

House full of geniuses,

nobody thinks to lock the front door?

Also, you've got mail.

♪♪

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
ridetherox.express

- Sylvia! Jay, hi.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hey.

How was the flight from Boca?

Confusing. I sat next
to something called

an emotional support duck.

I'm telling you,
the world has gone nuts.

Your kids' futures are in the hands

of people who fly around with
ducks in little red vests.

Yeah. In my day, ducks
used to wear a jacket and tie

when they flew on a plane.

[LAUGHS] Hey... hey, that's pretty good.

Kay tell you to say that?

SYLVIA: Look at these angels.

Ooh, I just want to dunk you in sangria

and drink you up. [CLICKS TONGUE]

Here's my boy Marcadine. Huh?

And Brian. Put her there, baby.
Put her there.

What is that, like, a bag of coleslaw?

Come on. Don't they teach you how to

shake hands at that fancy
private school of yours?

That's next semester.

Right now we're focusing on eye contact

and comfort around
groups of two or more.

Hey, you're wasting your
money on that private school.

And by the way, I just
taught him how to shake hands.

That'll be 30 grand, please.

SYLVIA: Hush up, Jay.

You know,
I brag to my friends all the time

about how brilliant you three are.

Let me see you do something
smart for Grandma.

What number am I thinking of

right now?

Seven.

Oh, my God! My brilliant grandchildren!

[QUIETLY]: It was three. I felt bad.

There's my little featherweight, huh?

Come over here.

Let me see you put that left
hook right on Grandpa's chin.

- Go ahead.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah,
we're-we're trying to cut back

on the violence.

Apparently, during recess,
she organized a fight club.

SYLVIA: Nicole, look at you.
So gorgeous.

You don't need a brain
when you're this pretty.

I'm a three-time regional
debate champion,

and I don't know how to respond to that.

What I do is say nothing.

Then get too drunk at
Thanksgiving and say everything.

Anyway, Dad, uh,

I know how much you miss Wawa,

so I picked up a bunch
of subs for dinner.

What are you talking about?

You can't have lunch meat for dinner.

What is this, an AA meeting?

Oh, what, are you kidding? No way.

We're having steaks.

Oh, look at that. I got...

I got the best butcher in Florida. Huh?

Your mother thought I was
crazy packing frozen steaks

in my carry-on. [LAUGHS]

Who's crazy now, lady?

I love it when my
family is all together.

I agree. It's a nice
moment. I'll miss this.

Oh, Markie, we're gonna
be here the whole week.

I meant when you're dead.

Who wants to do a puzzle?

You finally got around
to all that nailing scraps

of wood you've been meaning to do.

I needed a break from my dad.

You know, I drove
a half hour to get those subs,

and he just pulls out some luggage meat

and expects me to fire up the grill?

I mean, he was barely
through the door and already

criticizing me, my parenting, my subs.

I feel bad for the duck
who had to sit next to him

on the plane.

I hope that duck has its own duck.

It's like nothing I do is right.

And it's been like that my whole life.

You know, in high school,
I wanted to play soccer.

He made me play football because...

[IMITATING JAY]: Soccer? [SCOFFS]

Soccer's for commies
and failed placekickers.

Yeah. Well, in your dad's defense,

being married to your mom for 40 years

probably broke his brain.

Do not make me choose
between you and my mom

because...

you'll win, but you might
not cover the spread.

Any time she gets me alone,

all she does is grill me about you.

[IMITATING SYLVIA]: How's he sleeping?

Does he wear a jacket?
Is he having foot pain?

Good. When it's cold.
And not since she sent me the insoles.

I don't want to talk
about your stupid feet.

But no matter what I say,
she somehow always

brings it back to you.

One time I mentioned tampons,

and she got it back to you in 11 words.

How'd she do that?

Oh, never mind. I got it.

Ugh, we should get back up there.

The kids are alone with your parents,

probably racking up thousands of dollars

in future therapy.

Oh, hey, let's look on the bright side.

I mean, I never even
knew my grandparents.

I mean, we should feel
lucky that we still have...

JAY: Hey!

What the hell is a kale chip?

Two nails left. One for you, one for me.

Kay, there you are.

Sit your tush.

We need to talk, just us girls.

So... how's my boy?

Wearing plenty of jackets, Syl.

Oh, good. And...

Feet are much better since the insoles.

Arches like a ballerina, that one.

- And is he...
- Hey.

That is a lovely jacket.

Where did you get that from?

Oh, I got it at an after-Christmas sale.

Those are always a gamble.

Of course, you know about that
from your job at the casino.

Which reminds me, how is work for Mike?

Mom, Grandpa sent me
in to bring him a beer

because he says it tastes better
when a woman brings it to him.

I taught him that.

It's important to keep them helpless.

You know, why don't I bring it to him,

and, Nicole, you can stay here
and fill in Grandma

on what Dad's been doing.

But I want to see Grandpa's
face when we finish the puzzle

and he sees that the Earth is round.

I heard daughters who
take one for the team

- sometimes get their bedrooms back.
- [CHUCKLES]

I see your bribe and raise
you that blazer I wanted.

Done. You're slipping.

You could have had
me for the full pantsuit.

You could have had
me for just the bedroom.

Damn it.

Kay!

You forgot Jay's beer.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

Hey, buddy, why don't you
come help us with the puzzle?

No puzzle is quite so
fascinating as the final puzzle.

Death.

That's a real spooky kid
you got there, son.

Geez. So, Bri,

tell me, how's it going with the girls?

You driving 'em wild?

I'm not sure,
'cause I've never spoken to them.

Well, that's all gonna change
now that you're driving.

Oh, I'm not driving.

What are you talking about?

We don't need to get into that.
Oh, hey, Dad,

was that CVS that
looks like a movie theater

always a CVS?

Oh, no, no. First it was a Gimbels...

Don't bait me with store talk.

I want to hear about this thing.

I'm not driving until I'm 25.

That's when the limbic
system is developed enough

to fully process risk.

You know, with all
the science in that sentence,

it's still the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.

Well, if getting around is the concern,

I have that taken care of.

Oh, no, no, no, hold on.

We don't need to show Grandpa that.

Show Grandpa what?

This is the future of transportation.

That is the future of dying a virgin.

I know what you're thinking,
and the answer is yes.

- This is a wearable airbag.
- [HORN SQUEAKS]

You're okay with this?

"Okay" is a strong word.

Son, a man has to drive.

You can't take a girl to
the drive-in in an Uber.

I mean, how's that supposed to work?

"Honey, I'm gonna go get some popcorn.

Anything for you, Viktor?"

He doesn't want to learn how to drive.

Okay? And I'm not gonna
force my kids to do

something they don't want to do.

Okay, fine. If you can't handle it,

I'll take care of it.

- Whoa, h-hold on, hold on.
- What?

No, you're-you're not
teaching my kid how to drive.

If anyone is teaching him,
it's gonna be me.

Sure you are.

That's almost as funny
as Kay's duck joke.

No. No, no, no, I'm doing it. Okay?

Hey, Bri, you hear that, buddy?

- Your dad's teaching you to drive.
- What?

Boy, you're off to a bang-up start, huh?

You got a, uh,
pocket knife to pop your son?

Of course you don't.

Hey. How'd you get rid of Grandma?

Did you tell her Michael
Bublé's signing CDs

at the Barnes & Noble?

No. She's making us a nail appointment.

Oh, sweetie, no.

You will be strapped to a spa chair

while Grandma grills you about Dad.

That is not a nail appointment,
that's a hostage situation.

Actually, she's barely mentioned Dad.

Really?

So what have you been talking
about this whole time?

A lot of things. Her life, my life.

We called her friend Margee.
She's a real hoot.

That's a phrase I picked up from Margee.

SYLVIA: Good news.

My nail lady Carmela's out on parole,
and she can fit us in.

Then you can finish your
story about Kevin Slattery.

Who's Kevin Slattery?

Oh, nobody. Grandma.

Oh, right. [TONGUE CLICKING]

We should go anyway.

When we're done at Carmela's,
I booked us a spray tan.

I know a guy who does it cheap

in the parking lot of a funeral home.

So you're mad that your daughter

is spending quality time
with her grandmother?

No, I'm mad they're doing it without me.

I mean, do I not look
like someone who wants

to get a spray tan in a parking lot?

I am Jersey trash. That's all I want.

Your favorite food is wine coolers.

No one's questioning how trashy you are.

It's not just that.
They were actually bonding.

Neither of them have ever
talked to me like that.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I know how badly you
want to connect with...

Yeah! Suck it, blue guy! Whoo!

That is why we keep the
video games in the basement.

Why is this out?

Oh, it's a low-stress way
to teach Brian how to drive.

But Brian doesn't want to drive.

And we agreed that's
fine since he wanted us

to put a seat belt on the recliner.

Look, honey, a man needs to drive.

Why?

Because... W-What are you gonna do?

You gonna go to the
drive-in with Viktor?

Oh. This was your dad's idea.

Fine, but it was
my idea to listen to him.

And I am gonna take
the lead on this, all right?

If I left it up to my dad, he'd...
I don't know...

He'd whistle, smack Brian's butt
and say, "Car. Now."

Hey, Leils, have you seen Brian?

Uh, I just saw Grandpa go...

[WHISTLES] "Car. Now."

Damn it. Here, take over.

Hey, Mom, can you get me a juice box?

It tastes better when a
woman brings it to you.

- All right, okay. This is it.
- You know, Grandpa,

if you really wanted
to try my transporter,

you could have just
done it in the driveway.

Oh, no, I-I wanted to take it someplace

where I could, uh, really open her up.

You know what I mean? [CHUCKLES]

Hey, hey, but, uh, while we're here,

this is a great place to
practice your driving.

It's just a quick hop over
here to the driver's seat.

Well, if there's one thing
you should know about me,

it's that I can't hop.

- And certainly not quickly.
- Uh-huh.

Okay. Well, you know, I'm just,
just throwing it out there.

You know what I mean?

[SHOUTING]

- H... G-Grandpa?
- I... It's my chest.

I think I'm having a heart attack.

Uh, M-Marc was right.
He said you could go at any minute.

He said what? B-But that doesn't matter.

You're gonna have to
drive me to the hospital.

- Wait, wait.
- Come on. Come on.

No, no, this isn't a heart attack.

It's a pulmonary embolism.

Forget the hospital.
You'll be dead before we get there.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna pierce your thoracic
cavity to relieve the pressure.

- No, no, no.
- Don't worry,

I've done this to a hamster.

- Wait a minute, you maniac!
- Hey, what is going on?

Your son is a nut.

Grandpa's having a pulmonary embolism.

I'm not having anything.

I was faking it so that you'd drive.

What? How could you do that?

Me? You were just about

to perform surgery on me with a pen.

Doesn't anybody in this
family own a pocket knife?

I can't believe you.

I told you if Brian was going to drive,

I would be the one to teach him.

With a video game,
huh? That's not driving.

You know, Springsteen's
not singing about

escaping Jersey in a Mario kart.

He's my son, okay?
So however I wanted to teach him

should be up to me.

But you've never let
anything be up to me.

You've never cared about what I want.

What are you talking about?

I-I'm talking about soccer.

I could have been great. See?

- You robbed the world of that.
- [SCOFFS]

Son, I was just trying to stop you

from making what I thought
were bad decisions.

They were my bad decisions to make.

And I'm not gonna steamroll my kids

the same way you steamrolled me.

Come on, Bri. You don't have to...

- Uh-oh. He's gone.
- So is his scooter.

Hey, I'm impressed those coleslaw hands

could lift it out of the van.

Are you sure about these?

I have scratches all over my body.

Your skin just needs
to build a good callus.

Hey, Syl. Look what I got.

They're vouchers for free
massages at the casino spa.

We give them to high
rollers and hotel guests

who find cameras in their bathroom.

I thought you, me
and Nicole could all go together.

Oh, Kay, that's so nice.

But you know who you
should save these for? Mike.

He looks so tense. Is
he working too hard?

Oh, my God, I don't care.
Mike isn't interesting.

I mean, he is.

He completes me,
best friend, the one, but...

why is every conversation just
you interrogating me about him?

I don't do that.

Does Mike think I do that?

Ugh...

- What?
- You've been doing it for 20 years!

I'm sorry, it's just,
Mike tells me nothing.

I'd have no idea what was
going on in my son's life

if you didn't tell me.

Well, I get what that's like.

I mean, I can't get Nicole
to tell me anything, either.

It's hard being a mom.

You go from knowing
everything about your babies,

and then they grow up
and you're just desperate

for any scrap you can get.

This morning,
I called your friend Margee

to find out who Kevin Slattery is.

She really is a hoot.

That's nothing.

Most of my medical
procedures are unnecessary.

I just do it so Mike has to
call and ask how I'm doing.

Even the hip?

It was a 20-minute
call. Totally worth it.

See? This is the type of stuff

we could have been talking
about this whole time.

And, look, I'm happy to talk
about Mike, but sometimes...

You just want to talk about Nicole?

Oh, God, yes. Can we start now?

Well, if we're gonna get into it,

we're gonna need the Jersey Juice.

- Ah... [LAUGHS]
- [CLICKS TONGUE]

Yeah. Mmm.

[GRUNTS]

Is that red wine or white?

And a little vodka.

He's got to be close.
I mean, how far could he have gotten?

If that thing runs on shame,
he could be in Connecticut by now.

How'd you find us, anyway?

That's where you taught me to drive.

Huh. I'm surprised you remembered that.

Hey, look,

I-I shouldn't have
taken Brian like that.

- I-I was out of line.
- Eh, it's fine.

No, no. It's not fine.

They're your kids,
and you do a good job with them.

Better than I ever could.

And just for the record,

I never meant to steamroll
you into playing football.

It's just that, how was
I supposed to coach you

in soccer if I didn't
know anything about it?

You think soccer's tough?

My kids are into particle physics.

And numbers that somehow
also have letters in them.

I guess you just try
to do the best you can

and then you-you hope for a
couple of moments like this.

Why is it so much easier
to talk like this in a car?

Car's a perfect spot
for a father-son talk.

You know, nobody can leave,

you're staring ahead for the most part,

so there's none of
that weird eye contact.

And then...
then there's idiot drivers...

... that are always a good
conversation starter.

Hey, look, look, some moron
left his inflatable raft

on the side of the road.

You do realize that
inflatable raft is your son?

- I do now. Pulling over.
- Yeah.

[CHEERING OVER TV]

Am I dead?

No. And I'm glad.

- I'd miss you.
- Ah.

But if you see any lights
or tunnels, call me.

Is that Jay Bennett watching soccer?

That's right. It was
your husband's idea.

It's not half bad.
You know, you can hardly tell

most of these guys are European.

MIKE: Oh, hey, Bri, listen.

Sorry about the whole driving thing.

I promise, you do not have
to learn until you're ready.

It's all right. I had a lot of
time to reflect after my crash,

and I decided I'm ready to face my fears

and embrace the open road.

So I'm finally gonna learn
how to ride a bicycle.

If I don't comment on that,
can I watch football?

Oh, my God, Kay.
Wait till you see Nicole.

She looks like Jackie O.

You know, before the whole thing.

Nikki, come on in here.

KAY: Wow. You look...

You look like the women
outside Mom's casino

Dad pretends not to look at.

Mom, can I talk to you for a second?

I don't know what happened.

It started with one nail appointment.

Next thing I know, I'm lying facedown

in the back of a hearse
getting an airbrush spray tan

from a woman named Lou.

All right,
you got a little carried away.

This will all wash out.

But I don't want it to wash out.
That's what scares me.

I don't know where Nicole
ends and Nikki begins.

Aw.

Jersey trash is in your DNA.

[NEW JERSEY ACCENT]: Hey!
Watch the hair, Ma.

[REGULAR ACCENT]:
Why am I talking like that?

Don't worry, we are gonna get you clean.

First thing, spit out the gum.

I'm chewing gum?

To be safe, I'm going to
keep Leila away from Grandma

for the rest of the week.

Where is Leila?

Look what Brian made me.

I'm invincible!

If anyone's keeping score,
she's my favorite.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
ridetherox.express