Outmatched (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Geniuses - full transcript
A working-class couple raise their genius kids in South Jersey.
I can't believe he's still
in there getting tested.
It's gonna be fine.
He's a regular kid...
He's just a little weird.
- I'm not worried.
- Really?
Because it seems like
you're nervously fixing
a perfectly good cabinet door.
It is not perfectly good.
It has actually been broken...
since I nervously ripped it off.
Mr. and Mrs. Bennett, I have great news.
Marc's IQ is off the charts.
He's gifted.
- No!
- Damn it to hell!
I'm sorry, but did you
hear what I just said?
Your son is a prodigy.
This is wonderful.
We know the drill.
We've already been through this.
Twice.
- English.
- Please tell your son
you promised me the dining room
for my hyper-polyglot meeting,
not for his juvenile food nonsense.
Molecular gastronomy is not juvenile.
It's science you can eat.
The smoke in this jar is a
whole Thanksgiving dinner.
No one cares!
You can taste the yams.
See? This is every day.
Well, most people would see
three gifted children as a blessing.
Yeah, yeah. yeah.
Blessed with private school tuition,
grant application fees,
hazardous waste removal.
Do you know what it's like to wake up
in the middle of the
night and see your child
drawing your blood for
a medical experiment?
'Cause I do.
Mother to future mother:
you better hope that one
turns out more like this one.
Noses are like mouths...
that eat smells.
She's our star.
Okay. Well, you should also know,
Marc actually had the highest
score that I ever tested.
I see what's going on here.
How much is it gonna
take to make this go away?
Honey, honey, honey. Honey.
It's too late. He's one of them now.
I will see myself out.
I guess this means I'm gifted.
It's okay, buddy.
We still love you.
Know what it means now that
Marc's officially gifted?
We can no longer live in denial.
The schools are so cheap in denial.
No. We're gonna have to
pony up for private school.
Or we keep him in public,
bump him up to 12th grade.
It'll give us another year to save up.
I mean, sure, he'll be a small senior...
But that just means the
lockers he gets stuffed into
will be extra roomy.
Maybe we can tuck him in under
the sink tonight to practice.
Ah, yeah, we can't do any of that,
'cause we love him.
And we don't want a true
crime podcast made about us.
- Hey, Daddy.
- Oh, God.
You look handsome.
What are you doing at work today?
Building a window seat
for the Jasters' bedroom.
Why?
I'm just interested in you.
But now that we're asking questions,
when the tester said
that Marc's FISC score
was the highest she's ever tested,
that's only because she didn't test me.
Right?
Uh-uh, no. I-I am not playing this game.
We don't tell any of you your IQs.
It's okay. I already know my
score was higher than Brian's.
Oh, God, I know
you're trying to trick me,
but I don't know how. Kay?
Kay! She wants to
know their FISC scores.
No chance. There's already enough ego
and competition in this house.
Thanks a lot, Mike!
It's not even 8:00 a.m.,
and we've already been assaulted
and lost our dining room
to a science experiment.
This does not bode well.
Right.
- Because "bode" means...
- Look good.
- It doesn't look good.
- I know what it means.
- I know the word.
- You do not! You don't know
- what it means.
- It's one of my favorite words.
- Mommy, I have a question.
- Yeah, honey?
If Brian's a genius,
and Nicole's a genius,
and now Marc's a genius, am I a genius?
Well, you have a lot of good qualities,
but, um, do you want to be a genius?
No.
I want to be a waffle.
You'd be delicious.
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing with that?
I'm developing an opera
about Sacco and Vanzetti,
two Italian anarchists in
1921 who were put to death.
Neato.
- Basement?
- Basement.
I don't know what to do anymore.
It's sad.
I don't feel like I can
relate to our kids at all.
- I know. They're so weird.
- Yeah.
And they're only getting weirder.
I mean, where does it end?
Today it's opera, next it could be...
I don't know what's worse than opera,
but I'm worried our three
kids will invent it,
and we'll have to go to it.
And they've taken over the whole house.
I mean, th-this is all
that we have left.
Our monument to simpler, dumber times.
Remember when I reeled
that guy in at Spencer's Gifts?
I used to think this basement
is where our kids would
sneak down to smoke pot.
And now we do.
Maybe we just did everything wrong.
No, the problem is
we did everything right.
We nurtured their gifts
and encouraged their natural curiosity.
- Man, that was dumb.
- Yeah.
- I mean, look where it got us.
- Yeah.
You know, at this point,
I would just settle
for, like, a regular day
where I don't need Google
Translate to find out
if I've been insulted.
Or where we bring
home an animal as a pet,
- and not to dissect.
- Or to clone.
Oh, the cloning's the worst.
When they look at you,
you know that they
know they're a mistake.
All I want is one day of normal.
We need it. The kids definitely need it.
I mean, I love them.
I don't want them to
grow into super weirdos.
All right, so let's do it.
We just gotta think of a
way to get them on board.
Oh...
Are you even still...
No, I was thinking we need
more snacks down here.
I don't really get your problem.
If you want your kids
to have a normal day,
just force 'em.
You can't force your kids to be normal.
But you could bully 'em.
You used to be a great
bully in high school.
Yeah, but I'm different now.
I've got 21.
Oh, look who can count.
Here, man. Dang.
See? You still got it.
Mike doesn't like it when
I bully people, though.
It reminds him of his
bully in high school... me.
But you're outnumbered over there now.
You're gonna have
to do whatever it takes
to tilt the odds back
into the house's favor.
Yeah, I gotta stop being nice
- about it for their own good.
- Thank you.
- You know what I'm gonna do?
- What?
Tomorrow, I am forcing them
to go somewhere that is fun,
dumb and taught me everything I know.
- The boardwalk?
- That's right.
We're gonna do the Tilt-A-Whirl,
and eat funnel cake
and ride the log flume
until we throw up a
bunch of funnel cake.
But I need the time to work on my opera.
I've been a genius for a day
and have accomplished nothing.
Tomorrow, you will
accomplish whacking moles
and winning cheap stuffed animals,
like we're a normal family.
That doesn't sound
normal. It sounds trashy.
We live in Atlantic City.
Normal is trashy.
I think it sounds fun.
Why?
No, seriously,
is it okay if I bring a friend?
Yes!
Yes, of course.
That's such a... normal thing to do.
He's got a friend,
just like the kids in the movies.
Hey, and if it gets you
guys more excited about it,
you are welcome to bring friends, too.
My best friend's already coming.
Hey, Dad.
No! Stay back.
I know you're just gonna try to trick me
into spilling your IQs.
No, I was just coming over
to borrow the sunscreen.
Someone's paranoid.
Sorry.
It's a side effect of the
medication I'm... vaping.
Yeah, no, we're all good.
Mom told me Marc's score, so...
Yeah. No chance.
No, really, she did.
She told me he scored a 142.
See, I know that's not true,
'cause he scored a 156.
Damn it. Kay!
I love you, Daddy.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hey.
Can you believe it?
All of the kids are actually ready.
I even got Marc to wear swim trunks.
I mean, he called them "water khakis,"
but whatever, he's wearing them.
So, as soon as Brian's friend
gets here, we can leave.
It is such a relief.
I am so happy to know this
family isn't so far gone
we can't have one
normal day around here.
- Hi, Mrs. Bennett.
- Can I help you?
- Stu-Stu!
- Bri-Bri!
Dab!
What is happening?
I think we just met Brian's friend.
So, you're the friend Brian is bringing
on our "normal" family day.
How exactly do you two know each other?
From the Astronomical
Society message boards.
And I know what you're thinking.
"How are these two friends?"
I mean, he does computational physics,
and I do theoretical physics.
Like, what?
But I can't thank you enough
for inviting me, Mr. and Mrs. Bennett.
Mike and Kay would probably
be less awkward for everyone.
- Well, Mike...
- I was wrong.
I've just been so stressed
waiting to hear about
the application for the
Princeton Physics Fellowship.
A day at the beach
is exactly what I need.
If we're not leaving,
I'm taking off my ocean slacks.
Not in front of Stu!
I mean, uh, yes, yes,
we are leaving, but, um...
Your mom and I just need to talk
to Brian alone for a minute.
Oh, FYI, I have a severe nut allergy.
Here is my EpiPen.
It's better if you hold it.
I always lose it, and I will need it.
Listen, Bri, about your friend.
Stu can't come.
Your dad and I talked about it.
I've been with you
two since he got here.
How'd you "talk" about it?
- With our eyes.
- We can do that.
You're both such hypocrites.
You're always telling
me that I should try
and make more friends.
We meant normal friends.
The good kind who introduce
you to drugs and alcohol.
People your own age.
People my own age are boring and vapid.
All they do is make penis jokes
and Rick and Morty references.
God, people his age sound awesome.
We're just trying to have
one normal day around here.
Yeah, and-and Stu
seems like a lot of things,
but normal ain't one of them.
Sorry, Bri.
Well, then, I'm sorry, too,
'cause if Stu can't go,
then I don't go, either.
Oh, no, no.
We make the threats
in this house, buddy.
And you are coming or else...
... I will walk in there
and taint your results.
Do not make me taint.
Oh, come on, man.
Your mom just said "taint."
Laugh. Be a kid.
Go on, Mom. Might as well.
Who needs to prove a quantum
vacuum in the universe...
when there's one right here in my heart?
What are we doing about Stu?
Look, I am happy Brian
has a friend, but we are not bringing
a random 35-year-old
man to the boardwalk.
You're supposed to meet
random 35-year-old men at the boardwalk.
We were different in high school.
Will you help me problem-solve?
You do what you do to think,
I do what I do to think.
Maybe we just bring him.
This way we can drink,
and he'll drive us home.
Yeah. Drive us home.
Carry us upstairs.
Take off our skin.
Okay, there is no way that
guy can carry us upstairs.
Just trying to find the upside here.
We don't need an upside.
We need a solution.
And he gave us the solution
when he gave us the EpiPen.
Hello, my deadly, honey-roasted friend.
Okay, we are not murdering Stu.
You know what?
I think I might know a way
where Stu doesn't come
and Brian doesn't hate us for it.
- What are you doing?
- Avoiding a murder charge for my wife.
Hello, Stu? Hi.
This is Doctor, uh, Doctorman
from the Princeton Physics Fellowship.
Excellent news. You've been accepted.
Oh, my God, it's happening!
Uh, we need you to come down
to the campus as soon as possible...
No time to say bye.
You have a lovely home.
I got a dream to live.
I know it's kind of weird,
but I'm actually kind of happy for him.
All right, everybody. Boardwalk ti...
What the hell's going on here?
I'm helping Marc with his Oprah.
So, what, now you're
too smart for paper?
Big ideas require a big canvas.
What if someone had told Michelangelo
he couldn't draw on the ceiling?
That's ridiculous. He lived in a sewer.
We're not talking about
the Ninja Turtle, are we?
We're never talking
about the Ninja Turtle.
- You should get Nicole.
- Yep.
You had to drag your
poor sister into this?
It's a privilege for the proletariat
to service the needs of the elite.
How did I give birth to Wikipedia?
I'm a proto lariat.
Nicole!
Come on, we're...
"Question six: Fluid Reasoning."
Young lady, are you taking
a test behind our backs?
Yeah, I found a site
online to take the FISC.
I know Marc's score.
Now I need to crush him.
No, you don't.
- Now turn that off.
- No!
This is the only way
for me to credibly exert
intellectual dominance over this family.
I will not be a Salieri in my own home.
I don't know what any of that means!
- I'm taking this.
- Uh...
I was gonna storm off with this,
but it's probably
easier if you just leave.
Slam the door behind you.
Thank you.
Okay. I tried bullying,
but I don't think it worked.
Can you go talk to her and
get her to like me again?
We got bigger problems.
Stupid Princeton.
I applied to the same fellowship as Stu,
which means he got in and I didn't.
I'm never leaving this house again.
Uh, I-I'm sure Princeton just hasn't
gotten around to calling you yet.
They're probably calling alphabetically.
His last name is Zycam.
- Yeah, I can see that.
- If the EpiPen fits.
Look, Brian, here's the truth...
Y-You got into the program!
- What?
- Yeah.
Wait. Are you guys just saying that
so I'll go to the boardwalk?
How come I never got a call?
Because they sent a letter.
I want to see it.
Of course.
Honey?
Sure.
I'll go get it.
It was, uh, Dr. Doctorman, was it?
And in the meantime,
why don't you go and get changed...
Viva l'anarchia!
I'm just gonna ignore that.
Okay, that I can't ignore.
Oh, my God.
Why are you destroying everything?
I'm teaching Leila the
concept of anarchy.
Oh... No, no, no.
- And I'm learning!
- No... Okay.
All right, enough anarchy.
Time to clean up. Come on.
- 151?
- Oh, God, what now?
I scored five points lower than Marc?
We unplugged your computer.
How did you even finish the test?
I know how to build a computer.
I'm not an idiot.
I am so sorry, but your father
accidentally shredded the...
Oh, my God, what is happening now?
How could you?
You've known for years I'm
just a 151 and never told me?
She took a FISC test.
Okay. Okay, relax.
That test isn't even right.
When you took the test the first time,
you got a 153.
So I'm getting stupider?
- No, no, that's not what I'm saying...
- What is this? This is not my letter.
This is lyrics for some lame song.
Hey. "Closing Time" is not lame.
- Come here, come here. Stop...
- So you lied to me?
There's no letter?
I-I don't know what's real anymore.
Exactly. We're all in a simulation
or something that gets me out of this.
Just face it.
We're both dumb and it's their fault.
They're destroying our brain
cells with funnel cake.
I am not going to the boardwalk.
Me, neither. Me, either. Me, either.
Look what you did!
- Hey, come back!
- No, it's fine.
Let them go.
This whole thing was
a stupid idea anyway.
I'm just gonna go downstairs
and take a long, sad bath.
Oh, babe.
W-We don't have a bathtub downstairs.
That's what makes it so sad.
I'm learning!
I can't believe I got outfoxed
by two boardwalking simpletons.
Hey, show some respect.
Two of you were
conceived at the boardwalk.
I am not gonna say which two.
Under the pier, back of the tramcar.
- We're not talking to you.
- Yeah, I-I know.
We shouldn't have lied
to you about Princeton.
And, Nicole, maybe you're right.
Maybe we should've told you
your IQs a long time ago.
Honestly, I don't know.
There aren't many books written
about how to raise three genius kids.
Well, a-actually there are.
They're just super long.
All your mom and I can do
is wing it and try our best.
We sacrifice our time, our money,
our walls...
... to give you guys every chance
to make the most of your gifts.
And today, all Mom wanted
in return was four hours.
And I actually thought you guys
were mature enough to do it.
I guess not.
You know, for as smart as you guys are,
you're just a bunch of dummies.
Is he mad?
It feels like he's mad,
but he didn't yell.
It doesn't make sense.
It's just the beach.
What's the big deal?
I guess Mom just wanted to do something
she likes for a change,
since it's her birthday.
- What?
- It's Mom's birthday?
Uh-huh.
I-I thought it was in March.
Or October?
I didn't even know Mom had a birthday.
She has one every year.
Stars, they're just like us.
How could we not remember this?
We're so self-obsessed
we can't even remember
our own mother's birthday.
Except for Leila.
I'm a proto lariat.
So, what do we do now?
You know, I actually thought
today was going to be fun.
Maybe we'll try again at some point.
Think the boardwalk will
still be there in ten years?
Not if Brian's climate
change models are right.
But this might make you feel better.
Look who I got working again.
Oh! Holy hell!
♪ Take me to the river... ♪
I lost the only son I ever understood.
Mommy!
Marc was standing on the
chair writing his Oprah
and then he fell and is screaming a lot.
Can we get a new brother?
What happened to the tarp?
This is opera? It's not so bad.
What is all this?
We know we screwed up
and missed the chance
to go to the boardwalk,
so we brought the boardwalk here.
And we ordered funnel cakes.
Luckily, I already had the
UV lights for my experiment,
so we're getting the same
amount of cancer we'd get
from being outside.
We're sorry about the
way we acted today.
- Happy birthday, Mom.
- We love you.
Thank you, this is so sweet.
This is so bizarre.
Why do they think it's my birthday?
Daddy told me to tell them.
It's called a scheme.
You outsmarted the smart ones.
Score one for the dummies.
Yep. I used guilt.
It's bullying from the heart.
But I did not expect
them to do all this.
Well, I love it.
I just don't know how
you're gonna top this
for my real birthday.
Oh, no, this is your birthday now.
Oh.
- Who is that?
- No clue.
It's been the same
number calling for hours.
It's probably spam.
I am just gonna turn it off.
Okay, my turn!
Hey, it's Mike, leave a message.
Hi, Doctor Doctorman,
this is Stu, again.
Uh, I've been outside the physics
building for a few hours.
It's locked,
but I won't move until I hear from you.
in there getting tested.
It's gonna be fine.
He's a regular kid...
He's just a little weird.
- I'm not worried.
- Really?
Because it seems like
you're nervously fixing
a perfectly good cabinet door.
It is not perfectly good.
It has actually been broken...
since I nervously ripped it off.
Mr. and Mrs. Bennett, I have great news.
Marc's IQ is off the charts.
He's gifted.
- No!
- Damn it to hell!
I'm sorry, but did you
hear what I just said?
Your son is a prodigy.
This is wonderful.
We know the drill.
We've already been through this.
Twice.
- English.
- Please tell your son
you promised me the dining room
for my hyper-polyglot meeting,
not for his juvenile food nonsense.
Molecular gastronomy is not juvenile.
It's science you can eat.
The smoke in this jar is a
whole Thanksgiving dinner.
No one cares!
You can taste the yams.
See? This is every day.
Well, most people would see
three gifted children as a blessing.
Yeah, yeah. yeah.
Blessed with private school tuition,
grant application fees,
hazardous waste removal.
Do you know what it's like to wake up
in the middle of the
night and see your child
drawing your blood for
a medical experiment?
'Cause I do.
Mother to future mother:
you better hope that one
turns out more like this one.
Noses are like mouths...
that eat smells.
She's our star.
Okay. Well, you should also know,
Marc actually had the highest
score that I ever tested.
I see what's going on here.
How much is it gonna
take to make this go away?
Honey, honey, honey. Honey.
It's too late. He's one of them now.
I will see myself out.
I guess this means I'm gifted.
It's okay, buddy.
We still love you.
Know what it means now that
Marc's officially gifted?
We can no longer live in denial.
The schools are so cheap in denial.
No. We're gonna have to
pony up for private school.
Or we keep him in public,
bump him up to 12th grade.
It'll give us another year to save up.
I mean, sure, he'll be a small senior...
But that just means the
lockers he gets stuffed into
will be extra roomy.
Maybe we can tuck him in under
the sink tonight to practice.
Ah, yeah, we can't do any of that,
'cause we love him.
And we don't want a true
crime podcast made about us.
- Hey, Daddy.
- Oh, God.
You look handsome.
What are you doing at work today?
Building a window seat
for the Jasters' bedroom.
Why?
I'm just interested in you.
But now that we're asking questions,
when the tester said
that Marc's FISC score
was the highest she's ever tested,
that's only because she didn't test me.
Right?
Uh-uh, no. I-I am not playing this game.
We don't tell any of you your IQs.
It's okay. I already know my
score was higher than Brian's.
Oh, God, I know
you're trying to trick me,
but I don't know how. Kay?
Kay! She wants to
know their FISC scores.
No chance. There's already enough ego
and competition in this house.
Thanks a lot, Mike!
It's not even 8:00 a.m.,
and we've already been assaulted
and lost our dining room
to a science experiment.
This does not bode well.
Right.
- Because "bode" means...
- Look good.
- It doesn't look good.
- I know what it means.
- I know the word.
- You do not! You don't know
- what it means.
- It's one of my favorite words.
- Mommy, I have a question.
- Yeah, honey?
If Brian's a genius,
and Nicole's a genius,
and now Marc's a genius, am I a genius?
Well, you have a lot of good qualities,
but, um, do you want to be a genius?
No.
I want to be a waffle.
You'd be delicious.
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing with that?
I'm developing an opera
about Sacco and Vanzetti,
two Italian anarchists in
1921 who were put to death.
Neato.
- Basement?
- Basement.
I don't know what to do anymore.
It's sad.
I don't feel like I can
relate to our kids at all.
- I know. They're so weird.
- Yeah.
And they're only getting weirder.
I mean, where does it end?
Today it's opera, next it could be...
I don't know what's worse than opera,
but I'm worried our three
kids will invent it,
and we'll have to go to it.
And they've taken over the whole house.
I mean, th-this is all
that we have left.
Our monument to simpler, dumber times.
Remember when I reeled
that guy in at Spencer's Gifts?
I used to think this basement
is where our kids would
sneak down to smoke pot.
And now we do.
Maybe we just did everything wrong.
No, the problem is
we did everything right.
We nurtured their gifts
and encouraged their natural curiosity.
- Man, that was dumb.
- Yeah.
- I mean, look where it got us.
- Yeah.
You know, at this point,
I would just settle
for, like, a regular day
where I don't need Google
Translate to find out
if I've been insulted.
Or where we bring
home an animal as a pet,
- and not to dissect.
- Or to clone.
Oh, the cloning's the worst.
When they look at you,
you know that they
know they're a mistake.
All I want is one day of normal.
We need it. The kids definitely need it.
I mean, I love them.
I don't want them to
grow into super weirdos.
All right, so let's do it.
We just gotta think of a
way to get them on board.
Oh...
Are you even still...
No, I was thinking we need
more snacks down here.
I don't really get your problem.
If you want your kids
to have a normal day,
just force 'em.
You can't force your kids to be normal.
But you could bully 'em.
You used to be a great
bully in high school.
Yeah, but I'm different now.
I've got 21.
Oh, look who can count.
Here, man. Dang.
See? You still got it.
Mike doesn't like it when
I bully people, though.
It reminds him of his
bully in high school... me.
But you're outnumbered over there now.
You're gonna have
to do whatever it takes
to tilt the odds back
into the house's favor.
Yeah, I gotta stop being nice
- about it for their own good.
- Thank you.
- You know what I'm gonna do?
- What?
Tomorrow, I am forcing them
to go somewhere that is fun,
dumb and taught me everything I know.
- The boardwalk?
- That's right.
We're gonna do the Tilt-A-Whirl,
and eat funnel cake
and ride the log flume
until we throw up a
bunch of funnel cake.
But I need the time to work on my opera.
I've been a genius for a day
and have accomplished nothing.
Tomorrow, you will
accomplish whacking moles
and winning cheap stuffed animals,
like we're a normal family.
That doesn't sound
normal. It sounds trashy.
We live in Atlantic City.
Normal is trashy.
I think it sounds fun.
Why?
No, seriously,
is it okay if I bring a friend?
Yes!
Yes, of course.
That's such a... normal thing to do.
He's got a friend,
just like the kids in the movies.
Hey, and if it gets you
guys more excited about it,
you are welcome to bring friends, too.
My best friend's already coming.
Hey, Dad.
No! Stay back.
I know you're just gonna try to trick me
into spilling your IQs.
No, I was just coming over
to borrow the sunscreen.
Someone's paranoid.
Sorry.
It's a side effect of the
medication I'm... vaping.
Yeah, no, we're all good.
Mom told me Marc's score, so...
Yeah. No chance.
No, really, she did.
She told me he scored a 142.
See, I know that's not true,
'cause he scored a 156.
Damn it. Kay!
I love you, Daddy.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hey.
Can you believe it?
All of the kids are actually ready.
I even got Marc to wear swim trunks.
I mean, he called them "water khakis,"
but whatever, he's wearing them.
So, as soon as Brian's friend
gets here, we can leave.
It is such a relief.
I am so happy to know this
family isn't so far gone
we can't have one
normal day around here.
- Hi, Mrs. Bennett.
- Can I help you?
- Stu-Stu!
- Bri-Bri!
Dab!
What is happening?
I think we just met Brian's friend.
So, you're the friend Brian is bringing
on our "normal" family day.
How exactly do you two know each other?
From the Astronomical
Society message boards.
And I know what you're thinking.
"How are these two friends?"
I mean, he does computational physics,
and I do theoretical physics.
Like, what?
But I can't thank you enough
for inviting me, Mr. and Mrs. Bennett.
Mike and Kay would probably
be less awkward for everyone.
- Well, Mike...
- I was wrong.
I've just been so stressed
waiting to hear about
the application for the
Princeton Physics Fellowship.
A day at the beach
is exactly what I need.
If we're not leaving,
I'm taking off my ocean slacks.
Not in front of Stu!
I mean, uh, yes, yes,
we are leaving, but, um...
Your mom and I just need to talk
to Brian alone for a minute.
Oh, FYI, I have a severe nut allergy.
Here is my EpiPen.
It's better if you hold it.
I always lose it, and I will need it.
Listen, Bri, about your friend.
Stu can't come.
Your dad and I talked about it.
I've been with you
two since he got here.
How'd you "talk" about it?
- With our eyes.
- We can do that.
You're both such hypocrites.
You're always telling
me that I should try
and make more friends.
We meant normal friends.
The good kind who introduce
you to drugs and alcohol.
People your own age.
People my own age are boring and vapid.
All they do is make penis jokes
and Rick and Morty references.
God, people his age sound awesome.
We're just trying to have
one normal day around here.
Yeah, and-and Stu
seems like a lot of things,
but normal ain't one of them.
Sorry, Bri.
Well, then, I'm sorry, too,
'cause if Stu can't go,
then I don't go, either.
Oh, no, no.
We make the threats
in this house, buddy.
And you are coming or else...
... I will walk in there
and taint your results.
Do not make me taint.
Oh, come on, man.
Your mom just said "taint."
Laugh. Be a kid.
Go on, Mom. Might as well.
Who needs to prove a quantum
vacuum in the universe...
when there's one right here in my heart?
What are we doing about Stu?
Look, I am happy Brian
has a friend, but we are not bringing
a random 35-year-old
man to the boardwalk.
You're supposed to meet
random 35-year-old men at the boardwalk.
We were different in high school.
Will you help me problem-solve?
You do what you do to think,
I do what I do to think.
Maybe we just bring him.
This way we can drink,
and he'll drive us home.
Yeah. Drive us home.
Carry us upstairs.
Take off our skin.
Okay, there is no way that
guy can carry us upstairs.
Just trying to find the upside here.
We don't need an upside.
We need a solution.
And he gave us the solution
when he gave us the EpiPen.
Hello, my deadly, honey-roasted friend.
Okay, we are not murdering Stu.
You know what?
I think I might know a way
where Stu doesn't come
and Brian doesn't hate us for it.
- What are you doing?
- Avoiding a murder charge for my wife.
Hello, Stu? Hi.
This is Doctor, uh, Doctorman
from the Princeton Physics Fellowship.
Excellent news. You've been accepted.
Oh, my God, it's happening!
Uh, we need you to come down
to the campus as soon as possible...
No time to say bye.
You have a lovely home.
I got a dream to live.
I know it's kind of weird,
but I'm actually kind of happy for him.
All right, everybody. Boardwalk ti...
What the hell's going on here?
I'm helping Marc with his Oprah.
So, what, now you're
too smart for paper?
Big ideas require a big canvas.
What if someone had told Michelangelo
he couldn't draw on the ceiling?
That's ridiculous. He lived in a sewer.
We're not talking about
the Ninja Turtle, are we?
We're never talking
about the Ninja Turtle.
- You should get Nicole.
- Yep.
You had to drag your
poor sister into this?
It's a privilege for the proletariat
to service the needs of the elite.
How did I give birth to Wikipedia?
I'm a proto lariat.
Nicole!
Come on, we're...
"Question six: Fluid Reasoning."
Young lady, are you taking
a test behind our backs?
Yeah, I found a site
online to take the FISC.
I know Marc's score.
Now I need to crush him.
No, you don't.
- Now turn that off.
- No!
This is the only way
for me to credibly exert
intellectual dominance over this family.
I will not be a Salieri in my own home.
I don't know what any of that means!
- I'm taking this.
- Uh...
I was gonna storm off with this,
but it's probably
easier if you just leave.
Slam the door behind you.
Thank you.
Okay. I tried bullying,
but I don't think it worked.
Can you go talk to her and
get her to like me again?
We got bigger problems.
Stupid Princeton.
I applied to the same fellowship as Stu,
which means he got in and I didn't.
I'm never leaving this house again.
Uh, I-I'm sure Princeton just hasn't
gotten around to calling you yet.
They're probably calling alphabetically.
His last name is Zycam.
- Yeah, I can see that.
- If the EpiPen fits.
Look, Brian, here's the truth...
Y-You got into the program!
- What?
- Yeah.
Wait. Are you guys just saying that
so I'll go to the boardwalk?
How come I never got a call?
Because they sent a letter.
I want to see it.
Of course.
Honey?
Sure.
I'll go get it.
It was, uh, Dr. Doctorman, was it?
And in the meantime,
why don't you go and get changed...
Viva l'anarchia!
I'm just gonna ignore that.
Okay, that I can't ignore.
Oh, my God.
Why are you destroying everything?
I'm teaching Leila the
concept of anarchy.
Oh... No, no, no.
- And I'm learning!
- No... Okay.
All right, enough anarchy.
Time to clean up. Come on.
- 151?
- Oh, God, what now?
I scored five points lower than Marc?
We unplugged your computer.
How did you even finish the test?
I know how to build a computer.
I'm not an idiot.
I am so sorry, but your father
accidentally shredded the...
Oh, my God, what is happening now?
How could you?
You've known for years I'm
just a 151 and never told me?
She took a FISC test.
Okay. Okay, relax.
That test isn't even right.
When you took the test the first time,
you got a 153.
So I'm getting stupider?
- No, no, that's not what I'm saying...
- What is this? This is not my letter.
This is lyrics for some lame song.
Hey. "Closing Time" is not lame.
- Come here, come here. Stop...
- So you lied to me?
There's no letter?
I-I don't know what's real anymore.
Exactly. We're all in a simulation
or something that gets me out of this.
Just face it.
We're both dumb and it's their fault.
They're destroying our brain
cells with funnel cake.
I am not going to the boardwalk.
Me, neither. Me, either. Me, either.
Look what you did!
- Hey, come back!
- No, it's fine.
Let them go.
This whole thing was
a stupid idea anyway.
I'm just gonna go downstairs
and take a long, sad bath.
Oh, babe.
W-We don't have a bathtub downstairs.
That's what makes it so sad.
I'm learning!
I can't believe I got outfoxed
by two boardwalking simpletons.
Hey, show some respect.
Two of you were
conceived at the boardwalk.
I am not gonna say which two.
Under the pier, back of the tramcar.
- We're not talking to you.
- Yeah, I-I know.
We shouldn't have lied
to you about Princeton.
And, Nicole, maybe you're right.
Maybe we should've told you
your IQs a long time ago.
Honestly, I don't know.
There aren't many books written
about how to raise three genius kids.
Well, a-actually there are.
They're just super long.
All your mom and I can do
is wing it and try our best.
We sacrifice our time, our money,
our walls...
... to give you guys every chance
to make the most of your gifts.
And today, all Mom wanted
in return was four hours.
And I actually thought you guys
were mature enough to do it.
I guess not.
You know, for as smart as you guys are,
you're just a bunch of dummies.
Is he mad?
It feels like he's mad,
but he didn't yell.
It doesn't make sense.
It's just the beach.
What's the big deal?
I guess Mom just wanted to do something
she likes for a change,
since it's her birthday.
- What?
- It's Mom's birthday?
Uh-huh.
I-I thought it was in March.
Or October?
I didn't even know Mom had a birthday.
She has one every year.
Stars, they're just like us.
How could we not remember this?
We're so self-obsessed
we can't even remember
our own mother's birthday.
Except for Leila.
I'm a proto lariat.
So, what do we do now?
You know, I actually thought
today was going to be fun.
Maybe we'll try again at some point.
Think the boardwalk will
still be there in ten years?
Not if Brian's climate
change models are right.
But this might make you feel better.
Look who I got working again.
Oh! Holy hell!
♪ Take me to the river... ♪
I lost the only son I ever understood.
Mommy!
Marc was standing on the
chair writing his Oprah
and then he fell and is screaming a lot.
Can we get a new brother?
What happened to the tarp?
This is opera? It's not so bad.
What is all this?
We know we screwed up
and missed the chance
to go to the boardwalk,
so we brought the boardwalk here.
And we ordered funnel cakes.
Luckily, I already had the
UV lights for my experiment,
so we're getting the same
amount of cancer we'd get
from being outside.
We're sorry about the
way we acted today.
- Happy birthday, Mom.
- We love you.
Thank you, this is so sweet.
This is so bizarre.
Why do they think it's my birthday?
Daddy told me to tell them.
It's called a scheme.
You outsmarted the smart ones.
Score one for the dummies.
Yep. I used guilt.
It's bullying from the heart.
But I did not expect
them to do all this.
Well, I love it.
I just don't know how
you're gonna top this
for my real birthday.
Oh, no, this is your birthday now.
Oh.
- Who is that?
- No clue.
It's been the same
number calling for hours.
It's probably spam.
I am just gonna turn it off.
Okay, my turn!
Hey, it's Mike, leave a message.
Hi, Doctor Doctorman,
this is Stu, again.
Uh, I've been outside the physics
building for a few hours.
It's locked,
but I won't move until I hear from you.