Our Cartoon President (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Warren vs. Facebook - full transcript

♪♪

- [NEWS MUSIC PLAYS]
- _

I'm Chuck Todd, and Chris Matthews

has always been a gentleman to me.

The results of Super Tuesday are in,

and the Democrats have spoken.

They said, "We'll take
the guy who was a big joke

three days ago, please".

Here's how Vice President
Biden and Senator Sanders

addressed their supporters.

Folks! We did it, folks!
That's what we've done!



We did it! We done did it!

This scrappy kid from
Scranton beat all the odds

he repeatedly stacked against himself!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you! Thank you!

Okay, so, we tried the
fair-election thing.

Time for plan "B"...

Let's start pounding
nails into baseball bats!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Holy crap! I didn't even
campaign in half these states!

Always a good sign when the
people who know you the least

like you the best.

Thanks to my fervent supporters

I cross the street to avoid.



Your enthusiasm continues to
shock and annoy the nation.

I want to thank my fellow Democrats

for their endorsements...
Amy Charizard, Major Pete,

and, all the way from
Texas, Buca di Beppo!

Together, we mopped the
floor with Mike Bloomberg!

Ohh! I put Bloomberg in the ground,

you ungrateful bastards!

Liz, I thought you were dropping out.

Now you're dropping in?
What are we doin'?

Put me in your cabinet, Bernie!

I'll overachieve harder than anybody!

I took selfies with a million
sweaty strangers for this!

I'm coronavirus patient zero, bitch!

Anyway, my campaign team
says my best path forward

is shot the hell up, so
I'm done talking policy!

Here's my new platform!

[SCATTING GIBBERISH]

♪ Dun, dohn, deh, deh-deh, duh ♪

All right. Let's wrap this up!

Hey, I forgot to thank Mike
Bloomberg for sucking big-time!

Thanks, Bloomberg, wherever you are!

Thank you, American Samoa,
my only Super Tuesday win.

Okay, I think we're good here.

Hey, Bloomberg!

The DNC sent me here till November!

We're gonna be best friends!
[SCATTING GIBBERISH]

This is still better

than me paying two
percent more in taxes.

♪ Deh, deh-deh, duh ♪

♪♪

What letter's this? Like,
a weird "Q" or somethin'?

♪♪

♪ ominous music plays ♪

[JARED] You promised results, Parscale.

But yet here we are, and
the Democratic candidates

haven't mysteriously
vanished from the public eye

like that Washington Post journalist!

We can take them down by pointing out

how some of them are women
and how their gender's

different from a man's gender.

That was 2016! You promised us
sexism 2.0, you son of a bitch!

- [LARA] Ugh! Amateurs!
- [THUNDER CRASHES]

Step aside and let a real psycho biddy

show you how to limbo under
the legal line of slander.

[KEYS CLACKING]

- Good lord!
- She's diabolical!

[WHOOSHING AND BEEPING]

Wait. Who are you again?

I'm Lara Trump. Married to Eric.

She is nuts!

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[WARREN] This is getting ridiculous!

Maybe I should just drop out.

What's wrong, honey? Is it that wistful

personal essay you read in The
New Yorker three weeks ago?

"Elizabeth Warren Used
Native American Ancestry

On Tenure Application
At Comet Ping Pong"?

What's that headline from?
The Whopper Gazette?

Honey? Is it?

Trump's campaign posted
it on Facebook as a rumor,

and now it has 30,000 shares.

Oh, sweetie, it'll be fine.

The American people
are far too discerning

to buy that sordid flimflam.

The American people are
buying this sordid flimflam!

Let's spend the next eight weeks
rolling around in this story

like pigs in a pen full of boom boom!

Lara Trump, what say you?!

Sean, these accusations lead
to only one conclusion...

Elizabeth Warren's
body is being inhabited

by the soul of Jeffrey Epstein.

That's the stuff!! [HOWLS]

I can almost hear the brittle

elderly fingers clicking "Share".

Five thousand Kiss-Ass Points for Lara.

What have the rest of
you done for me lately?

Reminder... the winning couple

won't have to carry my
casket into the pyramid.

Cranberry Milfoyle and I
got caught porking onstage

at a Young Republicans conference.

It was so hot that
they begged us to stop.

That'll play well with evangelicals.

Five hundred points each.

- Ivanka?
- Absolutely nothing!

Twelve thousand points for you, sweetie.

And what about you, Eric?

I pried off my permanent braces

to see what the wind felt
like against my teeth.

Oof. I have to dock you a hundred points

for bringing up your janky-ass mouth.

Eric, you gotta shape up and
become a real Trump

- like my daughter Lara.
- _

♪♪

[WARREN] Thank you all
for meeting with me.

I know tensions are high right now.

Are you kidding? Mitch
is the closest thing

we have to a friend.

Our relationship has
never been healthier.

- They scratch my back...
- And we scratch his.

Facebook has been legitimizing lies,

and I think it's time we regulate 'em!

♪ tense chord strikes ♪

- Chuck, close the blinds.
- You got it, boss.

Facebook runs Washington, Lizzy.

They basically sign our checks.

I'm not even sure I still
get a federal salary.

Plus, their algorithm perfectly
amplifies our message

of "Trump is mean,
whereas he should be nice".

Maybe somebody just
needs to stand up to them!

There's a quaint saying in Washington,

and it goes like this...
"Don't poke the butthole

of a company with half
a trillion dollars".

[SCHUMER] Can I get you anything
else, Mitch? Seltzer? Popchips?

[ERIC] Honey, can I stay up

to watch you be racist on Tucker?

You should join me on the air.

We could use the extra Kiss-Ass Points.

Don Jr.'s public porking
has been killing us lately.

I'd love to, but I'm more of
a behind-the-scenes mastermind.

By the way, have you
seen the Rolex I use

to bust open shellfish?

Oh, Eric, my plump, white
cannellini bean of a husband.

If you want to start climbing
the family leaderboard,

you need to start
kissing your dad's ass...

hard, fast, and publicly.

This is not where I thought
Shellfish Sunday was going.

♪♪

[MANN] You okay? You've barely
touched your just-for-fun W-4.

[SIGHS] Just thinking about
the fake news story again.

It's fine. People have already
moved on to the new one

about Ruth Bader Ginsburg's
debilitating 'roid rage.

[SCOFFS] All these lies,
they remind me of school,

when people would spread nasty rumors

about me being a
bookish, breathless nerd.

I can't stand to see you like this,

only bouncing through one
pair of tennis shoes per day.

Just tell Zuckerberg,
politely but firmly,

to knock off the monkey business.

You're right! I'm sure once I
relate to him as a human being,

he'll ignore the lure of infinite wealth

and bulletproof political influence!

No one can resist your
charm once you sit down

and painstakingly explain it to them.

♪♪

I'm Tucker Carlson, and I look
25 in an unsympathetic way.

St. Patrick's Day is
almost here, and joining me

to back my claim that if black people

had a similar holiday
I'd also support it

is the MAGA Medusa herself, Lara Trump.

Thank you, Tuck. Of course,
we'd all celebrate holiday

that encourages non-white
people to binge drink

and take to the streets, yeah.

[TWINKLING]

We're joined tonight
by Sir Eric of Trump,

who is a public, co-equal
member of the Trump family.

Sir Eric, want to say anything cool?

- My dad is like a boss.
- Wow!

See ya later, alligator
that can't hurt me

because it's just a figure of speech.

[TWINKLING]

Wow! Dream Eric can tie a bandana!

- [BEEP]
- [ASSISTANT] Mr. Zuckerberg,

Amnesty International's asking about

our abetting a genocide in Myanmar.

Okay. How about this? We will install a

"mark yourself safe from
ethnic cleansing" button.

And Elizabeth Warren
is here to chide you.

Senator, you should have phoned ahead

or just mouthed your flight details

in front of your computer camera.

You still haven't banned
fake news from Facebook,

even though I've asked you
urgently and repeatedly,

like a librarian shooing out a pervert

touching his willy in the stacks!

Who am I to infringe
on bad-faith grifters'

right to grift freely?

- But people are getting hurt.
- Ms. Warren,

it is common knowledge that
you can't make a website

where you see photos of your niece

without destroying society completely.

- [BEEP]
- [ASSISTANT] Sir,

your human lunch food is here.

Just ask him for a campaign job.

He gives one out to
every dog-racing fanatic

with a store-bought hairline!

I don't know! He looks pretty busy...

"Dear Angela Merkel, it's your
husband. I want a divorce".

Mr. President, um, Eric
has something to ask you.

What is it, Eric? Daddy's working.

President Mr. Dad, I
was just thinking that,

because I've been a good boy lately,

I could maybe be TV guy
for your campaign. The end.

I dunno. You just don't
have that Trump "It Factor"

that turns every
swing-state Thanksgiving

into a murder-mystery party.

Not even if Lara helps me?

Sir, it is my solemn vow to not
let him let you down too much.

Well, if Lara's cool, I'm cool.

You can join my campaign as TV guy,

and if you're really good at it,

I might even let you take my daughter

Lara's hand in marriage.

Sick! I'll get to marry a lady

who looks vaguely like every
other lady in my family!

♪ sweet music plays ♪

Goodbye, Bailey. Thanks for giving me

a vague sheen of domestic normalcy.

[MANN] Ooh, you stop right there, Missy.

Sure, it's tempting
to give up and condemn

Bailey to certain death, but
you have to keep fighting.

I just can't beat Zuckerberg.

This is the one thing I don't have a

"loose set of ideas
that I call a plan" for.

- [SPITS]
- [GASPS]

Spitting?! What are you,
an adjunct professor?!

I'm just proverbially sick of it.

You're Elizabeth Warren!
You made the big banks

take responsibility
for the last recession

right before they started on a new one.

If anyone can scold a special interest

into making surface reforms
without solving the root issue,

it's you.

Bruce! My sweet, smokin'
angel, you're right!

I'm gonna take down Facebook

even if it's the last half-measure I do!

♪ bright music plays ♪

♪♪

[NEWS MUSIC PLAYS]

Tonight we're discussing
the problems with globalism,

and when I say "globalism",
I mean something else.

I'm joined by Lara and Eric Trump.

- Hi, Tucker.
- Thanks for having us

and assuring me that the lav
mic isn't a daddy long legs.

So, how is the President ending
the scourge of the worldwide...

Soros-funded cabal?

- The President has repeatedly...
- I'll take this one.

Oh, no. I don't know what
to say. Come on, Eric.

Just get one word out,

and the rest of the dog
whistles will follow.

Oh, no! I'm freaking out!

Lara, the global elite
are opening borders...

- [ERIC HYPERVENTILATING]
- ... tearing down institutions...

and refusing to work on Saturdays.

We're working hard to put America first.

[ERIC] Lara! My lav mic moved!

Somebody punch me as hard
as you can in the chest!

♪ swift classical music plays ♪

I know exactly what we
need to take down Zuckerberg

- and his little dolly bangs!
- Way ahead of you.

I can hand out protest
flyers at Paper Source.

- No, no, look!
- Hello, Facebook.

I'm grilling some meats,

having a great, normal time.

Wow. Seems like he's
having a great normal time.

Look at this.

Brucie, those two
freaks know each other!

Maybe the one brown-nosing android

will know how to take down the
other brown-nosing android.

You're not suggesting we talk
to Pete Buttigieg, are you?

Why, he fought in Afghanistan
just so diner managers

would say, "No, sir, it's on me".

If you can find me someone else
as self-satisfied, unblinking,

and newly unemployed, I'm all ears.

[CROWD CHEERING, ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

I got 'em all warmed up for ya.

Stick to the red meat...
immigration, guns,

and how Anna Wintour's
Christmas party this year

was super ill-attended.

- How about this illegal immigration, huh?
- [CROWD CHEERS]

A lot of illegal immigrants
work for my dad.

- [CHEERING STOPS]
- Like my nanny Julia,

who taught me how to shave

and that my father sprinting away

was a form of affection.

Thank you, Eric.

- PC culture...
- [CROWD JEERING]

... is making

- transgender refugees...
- [JEERING INTENSIFIES]

- ... steal the jobs...
- [JEERING INTENSIFIES]

... that are being sent to China.

[MAN] Mmm-mmm! Love that rage!

♪♪

[WARREN] Mayor Pete,
what's with the iguanas?

My only flaw of this election cycle

was not owning a high-profile pet.

Meet Christophe, my
ticket to victory in 2024.

You and Mark Zuckerberg were
sociopaths together at Harvard.

I need you to tell me how to beat him.

I can help, but I must
ask for a quid pro quo.

Tell me about your deepest trauma.

Why are you asking that?

Pet ownership only
makes you so relatable.

I need to know how normal humans think.

[SIGHS] In high school, I was teased.

The other kids on the debate team

built an airtight case
on ways in which I sucked,

and they called me "Lizzy the Loser".

[STUDENTS CHANTING] Lizzy the Loser!

Lizzy the Loser! Lizzy the Loser!

And that made you feel good? Sad?

Again, I need help
with this sort of stuff.

- Sad.
- Very well.

Before Facebook, did you know
Zuckerberg made a website

to rate people on their
physical appearance?

You only create a website like that

if you're insecure about
your own appearance.

♪ tense music plays ♪

Hey, can I steal that
debate-team anecdote

for the talk-show circuit?

[ERIC] This freaking sucks!

First, Tucker Carlson punched
me so hard, I yakked on air,

then I accidentally said
immigrants are people.

How do you do it?

We're just different.

I'm a sexy, stone-cold libslayer,

and the FCC classified
your face as an orifice.

How do I become more like you?

Marry me? Hmm!

I just think you have
to be your own thing.

Let me get a look at you.

Hmm. Tissue-box shaped feet,
butterknife ears, avian skull,

baby teeth and adult teeth all
fighting it out for dominance.

[GASPS] Eric, you should
be our campaign mascot!

♪ dramatic music rises ♪

[NARRATOR] And that concludes
our look into an empty room.

We go now live to
Senator Elizabeth Warren's

Special Committee on
Facebook Disinformation.

Just relax and remember
every subsection and bylaw

of the Facebook user agreement.

If you're in a jam, I wrote
you this saucy little barb.

How do you pronounce "Bête comm..."

"Bête comme ses pieds".
"As stupid as the feet".

It's hard to translate, but
the right people will love it!

[CHATTER]

Remember, Mark... if you're not human,

- you can't get in trouble.
- [GAVEL BANGING]

Thank you to my colleagues
who appeared here today

despite Facebook's
influence in Washington.

[SNORTS] Oh-oh, God!

People are gonna think
I believe in something.

Mr. Zuckerberg,

does Facebook have a responsibility

to remove political
advertisements featuring lies?

Yes, we have a responsibility

to uphold the freedom of speech.

- [APPLAUSE]
- Thank you.

Even if that speech contains lies?

Facebook users are perfectly capable

of deciding truth from fiction.

They are the most
discerning people on Earth.

Just like this crowd.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- [STAMMERING] Ugh!

[BUTTIGIEG] You only
create a website like that

if you're insecure about
your own appearance.

Well, what if I took an ad out

saying that your face sucked big-time?!

- Sucky Zucky!
- [LAUGHTER]

And what if the ad mentioned

your little gerbil eyes
and cheesecake complexion?

- [LAUGHTER]
- Caesar was actually murdered

because they found out
he inspired your haircut.

What's it like knowing that not
even billions of dollars

can give you human eyebrows?!

Saggy-assed freak

probably stuffed his boxers
with Capri Sun Juice pouches

just to give his pants a
tiny hint of kablow, biatch!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ dramatic music plays ♪

[MARKET BELL RINGING]

After Warren's takedown,

Facebook stock is
plummeting as users realize

Zuckerberg is a nerd
freak with a droopy ass.

Analysts say that his tenure
as CEO is in jeopardy.

We did it, Brucie!

I'm DC's smackdown school marm.

I don't know, Liz. Ad hominem attacks?

What's next... argumentum ad absurdum?

Besides, I think his eyebrows
look perfectly normal.

Relax, Bruce. We're winning.

Now slide that round little rump over

to my side of the Ethan Allen sectional.

[CROWD CHEERING, ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[LARA] Let's give a warm welcome

to your new Trump 2020 mascot...

- Gummy!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Abolish the estate tax!

Hillary belongs in prison!

Make America Gummy Again!

- Zooba zooba!
- [CROWD CHANTING "GUMMY!"]

You see that thing? That's
my daughter's boyfriend.

Zooba zooba!

Zooba zooba, Dad.

Now keep this energy going

for my wife who kind of scares me.

Lara Trump!

Americans now more than ever...

[MAN] Bring Gummy back out!

- Bring back Gummy!
- Bring back Gummy!

Uh... o-okay. Uh... Gummy!

We owe the Kurds nothing! Zooba zooba!

[CROWD] Gummy! Gummy! Gummy!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

♪♪

_

[NEWS MUSIC PLAYS]

I'm Jake Tapper, and every Sunday night,

my family and I pretend
it's my birthday.

We're joined tonight by
the Beltway Bruiser herself,

- Elizabeth Warren.
- What's up, freakazoid?

Senator, your brutish tactics
on the subcommittee circuit

are getting their fair
share of attention.

Listen up, dingle-dangle, you're
cuter with your mouth closed.

- Heh. And that's a fact, Jack.
- It's actually "Jake".

The target of your
most merciless ribbing,

Mark Zuckerberg, just posted this video.

Hey, Facebook, it's
your boy Sucky Zucky.

Someone stole my meats and
took a huge crap in my smoker.

Thank you for watching.
Comment and like.

- Chilling stuff. Any regrets?
- None whatsoever.

In fact, the crap in
his smoker was mine.

Gotta split and make Jamie
Dimon mow my lawn with his teeth.

Someone's got a big head.

After the break, I'll rank
every American citizen

from most to least patriotic.

Spoiler alert... I'm up there.

♪ bright music plays ♪

[SOFT RATTLING]

Eric, why are you up so early?

Aww, did you mix up AM
and PM again, sweetie?

[ERIC] We talked about this, babe.

I'm opening for Imagine Dragons!

[SHRIEKS] What did you do?!

I ate all of Brad
Parscale's hair medicine

and slept in a vat of food coloring.

Don't you love it?

- [HORN HONKS]
- Limo's here!

Hey, are Penn and Teller a big deal?

After the show, they want to grab dinner

at some hole in the
wall called Ruth's Chris.

Yeah. [SCOFFS] They're a huge deal.

But I thought we
were gonna grab dinner.

- [HORN BLARES]
- Gotta go.

Oh, by the way, I used your
grandmother's antique handtowels

to sop up the extra dye.

Might want to wash those
a few dozen times. Mmmkay?

♪ dark music plays ♪

[WARREN] Long day at work.

I dunked on Pompeo for
looking like a hard-boiled egg,

then he texted me a paragraph
cosigned by his therapist.

Hey, hey, hey, Bruce!

I told you to wear your onion
goggles when chopping onions!

You know I always wear the goggles.

It's you. You've become a bully.

- I'm not a bully. Phooey!
- And now you're swearing?

- Who art thou?
- You've gotten too soft.

I've seen your grade
curves. They're generous.

[GASPS] Now you're saying
things you can't take back.

Look. It's still me, Brucie.
Now come over here.

Senator Warren is introducing
a smooch to the floor.

- [DOG BARKING]
- Oh, zip it,

you campaign prop! [GASPS] Oh, dear.

If you need me, you know
my posted office hours.

♪ suspenseful music rising ♪

Uhh. I thought you'd be asleep by now.

I tried to bring leftovers
from Ruth's Chris,

but Teller made them disappear.

I already ate.

You know what, Eric? You've changed.

What?! Where is this coming from?

I wanted you to have
approval from your father,

but this is too much.

Just go back to being the hairless dunce

I somehow willingly married.

Underneath the fur and steak
sauce, I'm still the same.

Come on. Let's go... What
did we used to do together?

Play baseball or... ?

Eric, I'm staying at my mother's.

At least she understands the real me...

Lara Something-Something Trump!

♪ foreboding music swelling ♪

♪♪

I guess I'm just a bully for hire now,

completely devoid of a moral compass.

That's why we're offerin' ya a job.

We just have to have your twitchy brand

of take-no-prisoners
justice in primetime.

You'll start as my legal analyst
with your own segment

attacking the top five
dipsticks of the day.

How do you feel about dying your hair

16 competing shades of blond?

♪ somber music plays ♪

Gummy, you're on in
five. Hey. Zooba zooba.

[SOFTLY] Yeah. Zooba zooba. Thanks.

I'm Wolf Blitzer, and
I really come to life

on a cruise-ship dance floor.

Newly separated Lara Trump

has been seen out with divorce hobbyist

and rapidly purpling
former mayor Rudy Giuliani.

The pair were spotted
exiting a romantic dinner

at Jackie Marinara's Venetian
Clamhouse and Soggy Cigar Bar.

Well, we'll see where
the night takes us,

but luckily I got a cousin who
lives about six blocks away,

so either way, I'm going to bed sweaty.

♪ somber music continues ♪

♪♪

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Stalin!
What happened to you, Elizabeth?

I had half a beer. Why are you here?

Trying to swipe one
of the loaner jackets

for the next debate?

I'm organizing the line cooks

to start a lefty podcast.

They're going to be insufferable!

How do I fix this, Bernie?
Everyone thinks I'm a bully.

Being tough on the billionaire class,

no matter how weak-chinned they are,

might make you feel like a bully,

but they're the real bullies.

Liz, it's called integrity,
and it needs to be in your heart

just like I got three
pig valves in mine.

But how do I get the American
people to care about the truth?

Oof! That could be a slog.

If everyone's like those line cooks,

they are too exhausted from
work to even acknowledge

a repeated tap on the shoulder
and a thunderous throat clear.

That's right! People are exhausted!

Mind if I take home some of
these tomatoes you didn't eat?

I carry a reusable
to-go bag at all times.

♪ sad music plays ♪

Zooba zooba...

[MELANIA] [SIGHS] There you are.

Tilapia?! Why are you here?

I've got a Be Best event

with that strange longman Zuckerberg,

and I need Gummy to distract everyone

when I bang out after 40 seconds.

- Interested?
- Nah.

I'm sort of having a personality crisis

- at the moment.
- I know how you feel.

Your dad has a way of turning
us all into dancing monsters.

But what can I do?

If I'm not Gummy, I'm the
least popular Trump child.

If I am, Lara doesn't
want to be with me.

Yah, that's kind of the sweet spot.

If you're too out there,

Donald notices you exist
and tries talking to you.

Just do what I do... one event a year,

then it's back to cutting up
Brillo pads to hide in his food.

You're right! I don't need to be

the most beloved
entertainer of our time.

I just need the love of my scary wife.

Monopoly, get the clippers.
We have work to do!

[BUZZING]

Why must most days end
with me shaving a Trump?

- [LOCK CLICKS]
- [WARREN] Professor.

Am I, uh, too late for office hours?

I thought you dropped
Professor Mann's class.

It's too late in the semester,

and I can't graduate without you.

I mean, your... your class.

I'm sure you can find
a pass-fail seminar

that's not too late to
add to your course load.

But I want your rigorous,

extremely unforgiving grading curve.

Oh, Elizabeth, you know how to tickle

the tweed elbow patches of my heart.

I don't actually have a
generous grading curve, do I?

C'mon! The fight was over!

Why do you always have to do this?

♪ bright music plays ♪

Bullying is a scourge on America...

whether it's not asking
before letting Jon Voight

use our shower, or changing
the channel to Fox Business

while I'm trying to watch Fat
Bitch Boot Camp in peace.

- [APPLAUSE]
- With me is a special boy

who has experienced bullying.

Mark, go ahead, sweetie.

I started Facebook
to end the Iraq War...

don't look that up. And, sure,
my website may have sparked

sectarian bloodshed in a dozen nations,

but no tech billionaires
should have to go through

the torment of Elizabeth Warren

- nervously asking you to do better.
- That's great.

My PR team says I have
fulfilled my obligations.

And now a very special guest.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING, CROWD CHEERING]

[ERIC] Ladies and gentlemen!

- Gummy died!
- [CROWD GASPS]

Instead, please welcome

Errrrrriiiiiic!

- [MAN] What?!
- [WOMAN] You promised Gummy!

Lara, baby! I'm so sorry!

[MAN] Who are you talking to?

Lara? I thought Lara would be here.

She's usually hanging out

wherever a majority of my family is.

- [CELLPHONE RINGING]
- Hello?

- Eric, it's me!
- It's Lara!

- [MAN] Oh. Okay.
- I'm sorry I acted like

a huge, dumb, entitled jerk.

I lost sight of who I am...

a rich failure with a smokin' wife

whose family prefers him out of sight.

Will you take me back?

Oh, Eric. Whatever it
was that I saw in you,

and no one will ever figure
it out, I see it again.

I'm on Judge Jeanine
tonight calling for the outlaw

of dreadlocks if you want to watch.

Will do, babe!

I did it! I got her back!

[CROWD CHEERING, ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[WARREN] Wait!

- [CROWD GASPS]
- [WOMAN] It's the bully!

I know... when you see Elizabeth Warren,

you see a big scary goon,
but hear me out! Bruce?

[RUMBLING]

Mayor Pete, when you see a news story,

how do you know it's not fake?

After I read the news...
in Farsi I might add...

I usually spend hours cross-checking

with primary sources.

It takes while, but what
else am I gonna do...

fix my city's rampant
law-enforcement problems?

- Heh. Yeah, right.
- [WARREN] See?

Everyday people don't have

the time or energy to verify facts!

They're not whatever Pete Buttigieg is.

Facebook's algorithm
confuses reality so people

can't tell the difference
between the New York Times

and Race War News Dot Albania!

Making people sort
through all that flimflam

to find the truth is the
worst bullying of all!

[CROWD CHANTING]
Facebook sucks! Facebook sucks!

Well, I gotta head home and clean

the fresh craps out of my smoker.

We're not done yet, Zuck.

You're gonna sign
this non-binding pledge

saying that you will
tweak internal policies.

I'm calling it the Accountable
Facebook Agreement.

And, once again, it is non-binding!

[CROWD CHANTING] Sign it! Sign it!

- I accept your terms.
- Excelsior!

Now, Bruce, take this
thing back to South Bend!

[BUTTIGIEG] I think I'm
really getting the hang

of this whole "regular guy" thing.

♪ sweet music plays ♪

Well, Eric, you might not be a
good campaign media surrogate,

but at least you're not

a campaign media surrogate anymore.

And I'm proud of you, sweetheart,

for giving up any sense of self-worth

because it put a little too
much strain on our relationship.

I had my fun, but this
family doesn't have room

for another megalomaniacal messiah.

You've earned my trust and, with it,

the right to marry my daughter Lara!

Welcome to the family, son.

[TEARFULLY] You're the warm,
emotionally available father

I never had!

Let's head out onto the patio

and crack open a box of Sudafed.

♪ upbeat music plays ♪

Ah, it's good to be out
of that leather jacket

and back into my TJ
Maxx librarian scrubs.

Brucie, from now on, I
promise I'll only bully you

on Scrabble Tuesdays.

If a word's not a word,
I'm gonna hear about it.

[BUTTIGIEG] And worst
part of all of it...

they called me "Lizzy the Loser".

See you in 2024, you freak bitch.

['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump ♪

♪ He is our president ♪

♪ We made him president ♪

♪ We did it ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Trump!