Our Cartoon President (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Hillary 2020 - full transcript

Welcome to tonight's

Democratic Debate
in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Good evening.
I'm Lester Holt.

And after a party, you know
I'm gonna help clean up.

Thank you, Lester.
I'll take it "form" here.

From here, obviously.

First question... do you
all wanna answer a question

or just dogpile
Michael Bloomberg?

Bloomberg!

BLOOOOMBERRRRG!!

Wow. Okay. It looks like
we're starting, and I haven't



even said the rules
you're going to ignore.

Mike Bloomberg epitomizes
the lawless oligarchy

corroding the foundations
of our democracy!

Liz Warren's
back on the map, baby!

Why do I feel like
I'm already off the map?

Hey, Bloomberg!
You can't buy this election!

You gotta earn it!
Like me!

By keeping your eyes from
rollin' out of your head

till November!
Hey, I'm not perfect,

but at least I'm not
a bloodless corporate shill

posing as a humble mayor!

Hey! Oh, you meant
Bloomberg.

Mr. Bloomberg, what do
you say to those who point

to your
stop-and-frisk policy



as evidence of your racial
bias against minorities?

The point of this debate
is to make me appear likeable,

not to discuss my undeniably
racist past as mayor.

Hey! Oh, you meant
Bloomberg again.

You know what? Just let me know
when it's my turn.

Since this is
my first debate

and my entrance fee
was $300 million,

at least give me a chance
to introduce myself.

Ahem.

I like the one
who did the money!

Listen, Amy.
I may not have

foreign-relations experience,
per se, but I have ordered

huevos rancheros at brunch

multiple times!

Are you mocking me?

Because the last guy who
mocked me was Kirk Douglas!

AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!

Okay, I may own three houses,
but let me assure you

I do not heat them, and
the rugs are unbearably itchy.

And now a message
from tonight's sponsor.

Hi. I'm Mike Bloomberg.

- Oh, come on!
- Hey, Bloomberg!

The best way to defeat
Donald Trump is to vote

for someone
nominally different than him

so you can feel better
about yourself

while the world
stays exactly the same.

Hey! What the...

Shh. Amy wants to play
a little game!

Hey, folks! There's a lady
up in the rafters!

Okay, enough folksy adages,
Mr. Vice President.

I'm trying unsuccessfully
to moderate.

Hey, Pete!
How do you say

"do not resuscitate"
in Español?!

Huevos rancheros.
That's all from Nevada.

Only 48 states to go before
the brokered convention.

*OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT*
Season 03 Episode 05
Episode Title: "Hillary 2020"

Hey, folks!
Give me a heads-up

if my ears start bleedin',
would ya?

That debate was a nightmare.

Gentlemen, I have to be honest.

I'm having second thoughts
about buying this election.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Don't tell me

American hero
Michael Friggin' Bloomberg

is throwing in the 10,000
thread count towel!

Us billionaires
are counting on you to keep

the lights on
in our summer homes

and the lights off in our
sensory deprivation tanks!

I'm just not sure
I have it in me.

My campaign manager said
I might have to shake a hand.

But without you,
we can kiss the dream of

liberal, socially conscious
oligarchy goodbye!

I need some fresh air.

- Whew!
- Yikes.

Anyone here have
a good grotto cleaning guy?

Pushed mine off my balcony.

And billionaires...

We need to stop
flat wages...

...and strengthen
the middle class!

They're radicalized!
Something must be done!

Watch where you're
going, billionaire!

Hillary!

A billionaire's only hope.

♪ News theme plays ♪
I'm Jake Tapper,

and I ask people
what they got on their SAT

hoping they'll immediately
toss the ball my way.

1510.

Donald Trump's
back in the news today,

this time
for attacking the Kurds.

Here to cover for him,

Kellyanne Conway
and Larry Kudlow.

I think Trump's
really unraveling.

- Shut the fuck up!
- Hey, Jake!

No one understands the plight
of the Kurdish people

like Donald Trump.

Then, how do you
respond to this?

I don't know jack shit
about the Kurds

except that they're a proud
people that the United States

bears a moral
responsibility to abandon.

That was taken
way out of context.

He'll support the heck
outta the Kurds

and their battle
to defeat ISIS.

Then, how do you
respond to this?

Ah, shi...

I'm not really vibing
with the Kurds or ISIS.

I'm kinda hoping Robert Kraft
goes over there

and starts
his own tribe.

If you can defend that,
you must be unhealthily

obsessed with
being on television.

Coming up,
I interview myself

about the time I serenaded
my wife at our wedding.

Hi, Bill.
Is Hillary home?

Hillary?
She's out in the barn.

I'd take you, but I'm not
allowed out of the house.

Peep the shock collar.
No problem, I'll head aroun...

It's because of my storied,
criminal history of sexual...

Bill, the less we know
about your deal, the better.

Bill, back in the house!

Hillary, it's
Michael Bloomberg!

I spoke at your convention

between Henry Kissinger
and Lena Dunham.

Oh! Hi!
You can be the first

to try some of my
homemade hot sauce,

a non-calculated
passion of mine!

Forget the sauce.
The billionaires need a voice.

You need to run
for president.

I'm much happier spending
the rest of my life

writing books
about courageous women

with my daughter, Chelsea,
who I, um...

Love?
Exactly. Thank you.

But the people want you.

Just look at these polls
I planted in Bloomberg News.

With my money
and your politics for hire,

there's nothing stopping us
from stopping socialists

from stopping me
from hoarding wealth.

Imagine if we could
go on television

without having to defend
that teetotalin' wet ass.

Without the mic guy
purposefully electrocuting me

with a white-hot
frayed wire?

I used to rule TV...

Ranting about the Dow,
lit as all hell,

with the Jim Cramer!

Knocky-knocky!

I need you to dress
to the Tapper tens

because I just had my most
grounded and rational idea yet.

To wrap up this trade war,

what if we rammed
naval ships into...

Don't judge yet...
Chinese shipping freights?

It's brilliant in its stupidity,
but I'm just not sure that...

Aaaand tweeted.

All right. Choppy-choppy!
You're on at 4 p.m.

No way! I'm goin' viral!

When my mother and I wrote

"The Book of Gutsy Women,"
it wasn't all work.

- Ha ha!
- Wow!

Sometimes, we took a break

to live, laugh, and gossip
about entertainment news.

Right, Mom?

It's fun writing books
with my daughter,

who I, uh...

- Love.
- Right.

So say it, silly!

What is it...
Your birthday?

Yes, it is. I'm 40.

Happy birthday.
There. I said it!

- Run, Hillary!
- Yeah! Go for it!

No, that's behind me.

I'm now focused on
being toured around

like a book-slinging
circus monkey.

But all of us
who stood in line for four hours

just to get a glimpse
of the back of your head

agree you're
the best candidate!

Yeah!

All of you?

Larry? Connie?

It's Tapper O'Clock!
Why aren't you defending me?!

I've thought of
a thousand ways to justify

this battleship ramming scheme,
and all of them are war crimes!

Shh! It's ringing.

I also made it
so it can fart.

That's what mine sounds like!

Hello? This is the GOAT
of all time, Elon Musk.

Hey, lame guy
the science guy...

pack your solar-powered
luggage or whatever

'cause your country
needs you.

As long as the country
is not Thailand, I'm in.

Here's
what I'm thinking

for the next five years.

We pen the story of
a racially ambiguous daughter

named Lakelynne White, who opens
a small, diverse hedge-fund.

Lakelynne courageously
uses her earnings

to run an inclusive
smear campaign

against Ilhan Omar.

Hillary, we need you.

Jeffy?!

Mother! Chime in.

Uh, I, guess,
Lakelynne can meet a...

barista?

Mother,
don't pluck my tulip.

I know you're thinking about
being President again.

You know how sometimes
when you're talking to me,

I pause for a few seconds
then say, "Interesting"?

That's because I'm thinking
about being President.

As much as I like copy-pasting
Wikipedia articles

on suffragettes into
Microsoft Word with my mother,

at the end of the day,
I'm with her!

Go, Mother!

Chase your dream
for the third time!

Interesting.

It's time we brace ourselves

for the looming
class revolution.

Thursday's usual
24-ounce wagyu strip

will have to be replaced by...
a 14-ounce wagyu fillet.

No!
They're treating us

like human beings.

We're billionaires, damn it!

Order that strip,
Michael!

And get one for me,
with a side of hot sauce,

a condiment
I enjoy independently

of its relation
to the black vote.

Because I'm running
for President!

Thank you, rich God.

If we're
going into battle,

we need our breathable
rayon armor.

Blue. Hillary Clinton.

Connotes leadership,
power, rigidity.

Brownish-grey.
Chelsea Clinton.

Connotes subservience,

laughing when
it's not that funny,

walking behind me when
the sidewalk gets too narrow,

peeling an orange
so ridiculously slow,

you have to go take a walk

just to not scream.
Okay, thank you, Mother.

Green. Huma Abedin!

Connotes poise, perfection,
daughterliness.

Didn't Huma's husband,
Anthony Weiner,

single-handedly annihilate
your last campaign?

We all have
a perverted husband

whose sexual addiction
dissolves our political career.

But this time,
we are playing it safe.

You can do whatever
you want to each other!

Just don't leave the yard!

Fresh air,
acorns, sprinkler...

I've done way worse
with way less!

Okay, Elon,
this better be worth

the billion dollars
we siphoned from CHIP.

What is that?

It's an
Oval Office simulator.

It will deadass
make the President think

all his orders are being
followed A-F as fuck.

But no transmissions
will go in or out.

You can say "Bye, Felicia"
to defending him on television.

- Go ahead. Say it.
- Bye, Felicia.

Lé cool.
I'm here for this.

Cue the simulator!

Ass-ass, Captain!

The key to any successful
campaign is small-dollar donors.

Let's split up.
You take the Bronx.

Remember... no donation
is too small.

Here's a coin pouch!

Yeah, let me rap

my 70-year-old knuckles
on a million doors, or...?

Add as many zeros
as it'll take to win.

The campaign announcement
is tomorrow.

Are you available
to volunteer for our

"Count Me In" phone bank
in Gowanus?

Hillary, uh,
who is this?

Go wait in the stairwell, Chels.
Mommy's panhandling.

Was there always
a freezing-cold elevator ride

to the Oval Office?

Uh, yeah, you built it.

They gave you
the Nobel Prize for it.

Yeah, and you guys said
I couldn't build it!

- Remember?
- Uh-huh.

Stand by. That feeling when
the eagle has landed goals.

What's this joystick
doing here?

Uh, that's
the same joystick

George Washington used
to

- fight the Pilgrims.
- Fight the Pilgrims. Yeah, I know.

Howdy, Mr. Trump!
I'm Charlie!

Are you ready for your day
as President? Wa-goo!

Who's Charlie?
He's kinda scary.

Only the coolest
White House mascot on Earth!

What the fuck
am I even saying?

Select a mission!
Lunch or de-escalating

Turkey's military operations
in Northern Syria?

Well, you can't eat Syria.

You've selected "Lunch."

How many pounds of lunch
would you like?

No one's ever asked!

I stayed up all night
writing the speech

because I was
so excited

and because you only
booked a two-bedroom

so I had to sleep
in the lobby

with a bag of Minute Maid
apple juice as a pillow.

Lordy, was that the speech?

Mom, I'm gonna rock this.
Check this out.

"The degradation of norms
has never been more..."

Boring!
Check this out.

"A lot of people
are using their apps

to listen to Lizzo."
Pause for woo-woo's.

"But I think they should
Lizz-show up on Election Day

and vote for
Hillary Clinton!"

If you can brilliantly
interweave pop culture

with revolutionary
status-quo ideology like that,

you got the gig.

"The cruelty
and incompetence

of this administration

has never been more...
Riverdale?"

That's a Lizz-no
from me, dawg!

Wait!

"A lot of teens are
watching The C-W...

My God.

...but I wanna know...

how can we
have those teens

'C' Hillary
to the 'W' House?"

Huma, could you go get Chelsea
the purple pant suit?

The one that connotes
tolerability?

Waaaa-goo,
Mr. President!

You've rammed
a Chinese ship,

received a public apology
from Bette Midler,

inspired a standing ovation
at the Teen Choice Awards,

and planted Jim Acosta
in the path of a lawnmower!

Ahh! Gotta pop open a window,
and hear that Acosta squeal!

- Oh, my God! We're done for!
- Not the window!

Oh, he's being extra, and
it's, like, low-key not a mood.

Release the golden hat!

Congratulations!

Your ninth lunch has
somehow brokered peace

between the Kurds
and the Turks!

I had a feeling it might.

You've unlocked
a golden hat!

Whoa, ho, ho, ho!

I've always wanted this thing
I just found out about.

Holy crap! It worked!

We've trapped the President
in a glorified phone game!

Who's to say we're all
not living in a phone game?

Who's to say we're all not
simply living in a phone game?

Yeah, we heard you.

Breaking news.

As has been long-rumored
and instinctually feared,

Hillary Clinton is officially

entering the race
for the Democratic nomination.

The Beast of Benghazi,

the Satan of the Servers

has awoken from her
four-year volcanic slumber!

Rise all ye minions to battle!

How entitled do you
have to be to try and steal

the presidency
I'm entitled to?

I'll start drafting my
passive-aggressive endorsement.

It's 63 degrees today...

She'll get a sun stroke
and drop out.

A lot of people
are using Instagram.

Oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy!

But this President's
domestic policies

have me sliding out of his DMs

and into the voting booth!

In fact, I think

he can't honor his sacred oath
to the Constitution

because he's too busy
eating hamberders!

- Whoo!
- I love politics!

This speech
will seal the deal.

I think we're
looking at our next

Deputy Press Secretary for
North African Digital Outreach.

Without further ado,
please welcome

the winner of
the 2016 popular vote...

...and the winner of
the 2020 electoral vote...

Uh-huhhh!

...and the only candidate
whose campaign will be funded

entirely by
the billionaire class!

Ha ha... yeah!

Yes, sir! Michael Bloomberg
is bankrolling her campaign

as long as she continues
to keep his tax bracket

at a rate of zero or below!

Uh, what's this?

In the words of my mother
not one hour ago...

Don't quote me,
don't quote me.

...quote, "I can rap
my 70-year-old knuckles

on a million doors,

or I can strut into
the Bloomberg building

and sell America's soul

to the ninth-richest man
in the world!"

Lizz-oh my God.

Hillary Clinton
seems to be alienating

the coveted
"voter" demographic,

while President Trump hasn't had
a single recent controversy.

Here to comment, Kellyanne
Conway and Larry Kudlow.

We're proud to announce that,
this week, the President

hasn't tweeted a single
genocidally complicit tweet.

♪ Ba-ba-da-ba,
ba-ba-baaaa! ♪

That's great.
Okay. Bye-bye!

Wait! No questions or
condemnations or anything?

Eh, since the President
hasn't said or done

anything reprehensible,
there's nothing to discuss.

In other news, j...

Did the President
just do something outrageous?

I j...
I just wanted to, uh...

Are you caught up
on The Masked Singer?

Kelly, the interview's over.
I'm a serious newsman,

and you're wasting
my precious air time.

Nooooooo!
Coming up, I'll share

one of the cartoons I made
during office hours.

Billionaires
buying my influence

is for us to know...

and for the American people
to find out

when they're forced to buy their
own surgical tools off Amazon.

I just wanted to be
a leader like you,

but I'm a no-good sole heir
to the most un-killable

political dynasty
in the modern era.

Don't worry.
Your father's proclivities

have made me an expert
on quashing scandals.

Thank you, Mother! I knew you'd
always be there for...

Chelsea Clinton
is no longer associated

with this campaign
or family!

It's sick, what she did!

She's the bad Clinton now.
Everyone write that down.

In her stead, we will be
adopting a new daughter,

Huma Abedin!

We look forward
to a peaceful transition.

What's all this?

We'll talk about it
later, Chels!

♪ Awk-ward ♪

Tapper, baby,
wassup, man?

You need some guests
for the show today?

You can roll your eyes
while Larry and I rationalize

the President fracking
an inner-city playground!

The President's old hat.
No one's heard from him in days.

And you two are getting on
a Tapper's last nerve!

I'm so glad he said yes.

I can't wait
to go on television...

Oh, God!
Someone call 9-1-1!

Actually, hold on.

Sorry. I had to flush
my old drugs down the toilet.

It was from an old jacket.

You know,
I'm off that stuff now.

That's old Kudlow.
New Kudlow... clean Kuds!

Anyway, let's get you some help.

Okay. Now someone can call!

I hope
you're happy, Mother!

I am so politically toxic,
Simon & Schuster said

"Color-Blind Hedge-Fund:
The Lakelynne White Story"

has been shelved!
Take a step back.

I did what's best for Americans,
specifically one American, me.

I was so wrong to spend my every
waking minute admiring you!

Dad, let's go.
Sorry, Chels!

Your mother
has a manilla folder

that makes our arrangement
extremely binding.

I need to get out
of this house.

I'm getting
a four-star hotel.

I'll charge
the foundation.

Yeah, I know how to charge
the foundation myself!

If you're gonna Lizz-go,
then just Lizz-go!

Welcome to tonight's
Democratic Debate.

I'm Anderson Cooper,
and I've never once felt

a hint of imposter syndrome.

Hi, Andy. How's your new
Springer Spaniel?

Please refrain from revealing
we all know each other socially.

Secretary Clinton, what do
you think your voice brings

to the 2020
primary election?

I'm just here to represent
the issues of my constituents.

And billionaires, according
to your own daughter! Boom!

Oooohhhhh!

I can take the heat.

Otherwise, why would
my bag contain hot sauce?

Hey! Cultural appropriation
is my gaffe. Get your own!

Look, Hillary,
w-we don't need you.

We got your
whole thing covered.

I'm the billionaire shill,
Warren's the pissy mom,

Bernie's the one
with a hospital bracelet,

and Pete's the one
who wants it too bad!

Hey! Hey!
Can I say something?

I just wanted to say

that there's still some work
to be done in Iraq.

I'm still mad at her, but
she's got a point about Iraq.

Hey, let's just watch
Tapper until the cops get here.

Pretend he's scolding you!

Hillary Clinton's
back in the race,

which brings us
to tonight's

President Chump:
Hillary Edition.

Hillary Clinton is racing
for the Democratic nomination.

But without Chelsea Clinton,

her political boat
has started to... rock,

a genre of music made famous
by British celebrity

Keith Richards.

No comment has been made
by President Chump,

which seems... fishy?

Perhaps the President
is out to sea,

aboard his favorite vessel,
the USS Unaccountable.

And that's our show.

Sorry we didn't get
to any news at all.

Stay with me, Kellyanne!

Losing relevance... fast!

Broadcast television!
Hurry!

A chardonnay and a shot
of hot sauce, please?

Stop it.

Is this seat bought
by the oligarchal class?

I just don't
get it, Bernie.

I thought everyone
wanted me to run again.

You ever love someone,
but sometimes some of the things

they say make
your skin crawl?

Chelsea!
Is yours Chelsea, too?

What I'm saying is that's
how America feels about you.

Just because everybody
retweets you calling

Donald Trump
"Lord Voldo-moron"...

So true!
...doesn't mean they trust you

to stand up to
Wall Street executives

when you're sharing
an au pair with them!

Maybe people
would've liked me

if I had someone's
"grassroots" endorsement!

Don't start. I campaigned for
you more than anyone else!

"Oh, I don't know.
I guess if you have to vote,

vote for, uh,
Hillary something."

It was a full-throated
endorsement!

The throat was full!

Thirty-six hours on,
fifteen minutes off.

- Time to get back to work.
- Mr. President,

you need to come out
of the Oval Office

and do something racist
or start a fire or something.

- Charlie?!
- No, idiot!

Charlie's not real!

We created a whole
fake Oval Office

so we didn't have to defend you
when you tweet stuff like

"Happy Labor Day to Whites
and non-Whites alike."

I'd rather live
in a simulated perfect world

where everything I say goes

than a sometimes rainy
real world

where everything I say goes.

- Waaa-goo!
- But, Kellyanne, man.

S-She needs broadcast
television, stat.

She's gonna wither away!

Oh, no!
One of my employees is in peril!

There's no words
you could say, Kudlow...

Not one string of words
in the world

that could possibly pull me

out of this
incredibly stinky paradise.

Hillary Clinton's

running for President.
You say what now?

Chelsea?
It's Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Go away, Mother!
I'm drinking my pillow!

I wanted to say
I'm sorry.

Sure, writing books with you
never made me happy,

and, sure,
I still wish I could fuse

some of my blood into Huma's
and slap your name on her,

but at the end of the day,
the daughter I've been given

thinks I'm pretty cool,

and that's been great
for my ego.

And I'm sorry, too.

It was selfish of me
to try and make you proud.

From now on, I'll stick
to elevating your image,

no matter how passed out
in an unmarked van

from heatstroke you are.

I forgive you, Chelsea.

Now, what do you say
we call off this campaign

and get back
to scouting Craigslist

for desperate ghostwriters?

Hillary!

Must... roast... Hillary!

No bars! Can't tweet!

Hillary!!!

Breaking: Hillary Clinton

has suspended her campaign,
the shortest

and most whip and nae-nae filled
in history.

Let's take it live.

I have bad news for
the 200 million Americans

who planned to vote for me
this November...

Turn on the cameras!

I have to insult Hillary!

This campaign
was never about me.

It was about the millions
of Americans who idolize me.

But it's time for me to make
room for the new Blue wave.

That's why I'm endorsing

fresh-thinking up-and-comer
Jeff Bezos!

A chicken in every pot,
a crap in every pants.

And now my nice daughter,
Chelsea,

will say a few words.
I n...

And we're cutting away from
Hillary's campaign suspension

to the White House,
where Donald Trump has emerged

a little worse for wear.

Ohh!

Crooked Hillary
needs to be locked up!

She's colluded
with John McCain,

with Benghazi because
she's inside the Ukraine!

Rehr-rehr!
Don't let her get away!

Now, who on Earth
would defend

this kind of behavior
from the President?

Well, helloooo, Jake!

Aaggghhhhh!
It's great to be back.

The fake news media are once
again spreading baseless lies.

The President wishes
Hillary well.

Public trial! Town square!

You're really gonna
stand by that,

even though it
directly contradicts

the live feed we have
of him yelling?

That's right!
We may be permanently

eroding America's faith
in its sacred institutions,

but at least we're on TV.

Amen to that!

Always a pleasure, Jake,
you lying fuck!

"And then
Lakelynne White realized

she should remain secretary
of her mother's trust fund

and lived
happily ever after.

The end."
Interesting.

It's so good to be writing again
now that this whole

"running for President"
thing is behind you.

I don't need to be President
to be happy.

All I need
is my bulletproof ego

telling me that I could easily
be President if I wanted,

and my daughter,
Chelsea, who I...

...love!

Mom! You said it!
Yes, I did.

Now go fetch mommy's
Saudi burner phone.

2024 is around the corner!

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump ♪

♪ He is our president ♪

♪ We made him president ♪

♪ We did it ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Trump!