Our Cartoon President (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 18 - Episode #3.18 - full transcript
Uh-oh. Guess I have to stay.
_
Ah, today's the day.
Well, you're off in a tizzy
this morning, Chuck Todd.
Election Day, sir.
The most important day
in the history of democracy.
I get to go on TV and
make it all about me.
Little Chuck Todd, always
with his head in the clouds
and his hair looking like shit.
♪ Election Day ♪
♪ When everyone is watching the news ♪
I'm all diapered up and ready
to stand for 14 hours.
The most important
election of our lifetime.
Plus Nate Silver interviews.
[SILVER] Our algorithm predicts Biden,
but it, uh, also might be Trump.
♪ And I will stand in front of
this giant iPad real confused ♪
.004 reporting, let's project a winner.
♪ And I will sacrifice this
lamb if Biden starts to lose ♪
Two men, both Presidential.
♪ Election day, when everyone
tunes into MSNBC in ♪
- ♪ Prime time ♪
- ♪ Prime time ♪
- ♪ Prime time ♪
- ♪ Prime time ♪
♪ Everyone including all the people ♪
♪ Who drove past their polling place ♪
♪ And thought the line
was just too long to vote ♪
♪ Is watching the news ♪
That's right. It's the news' prom night,
and everyone is watching,
including the big man himself.
The question on everyone's mind...
"What is President Trump thinking?"
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] I wonder
if I should dial the fake number
Christie Brinkley gave me in 1982
just in case it's her real number now.
Nah, I don't need her validation,
because I'm an all-knowing
Presidential God,
and that will never change.
I don't even need this
list of prepared excuses
as to why I lost today's election.
[TOGETHER] Four years
ago, we made a friend.
To express our love,
this poem we penned.
Our President smells like lilacs,
a warm and caring listener.
Such an athlete is he, better
than both the Williams sisters.
You have shown such grace,
despite all you endured,
may your enemies be vanquished,
especially Anna Wintour.
No matter what happens today,
it was my honor to stare into a void
while you ranted on the phone
for 90 minutes straight.
Those were great times
to catch up on chores.
And, if Biden becomes President,
we'll always say your
negligent homicides
were not nearly as bad as his gaffes.
Somebody, help!
The "Fox & Friends"
have been body-snatched.
Wow, I'm still in this thing, huh?
I haven't felt this bulletproof
since before the Me Too movement.
[GRUNTS]
I brought your favorite... meat lumps.
Kellyanne? I thought I fired you
for also getting coronavirus.
Oh, I just swung by to
watch your legacy burn.
Hey, Kellyanne, the polls
say I'm gonna win, right?
Fuck it. You don't sign
my paychecks anymore,
so I'm just gonna be straight with you.
All I've ever wanted is
heavily-edited honesty.
The truth is, you're
guzzling so much ass
you better use a jumbo straw
so it doesn't dribble down
your ugly blobfish chin
and give your fat face a UTI.
Everybody knows you have
as much chance of winning
as you do of taking a successful shit
without two Secret Service guys
poking your gut with broomsticks.
Your suits fit you so bad,
you look like a cow
wandered into a camping
tent and got stuck.
No one likes you, no one will miss you,
and the sun will shine brighter
when your ashes are
encased in a gaudy vase
one of your shithead sons
will eventually shatter
while masturbating to the
thought of his ex-wives
who refuse to talk to
him in family court.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Save it for the Times.
Also, "The Apprentice"
really took a nosedive
after season four.
And stay out!
I spit on all those meat lumps!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
What's the password?
- [CONWAY] I am not Donald Trump.
- Come in.
Hey, you assholes didn't start
the party without me, did you?
Nah, it's mostly been us
plotting our escape routes
through Washington's sewer systems.
So many regrets.
I could have done more.
There are still a few science books
that don't refer to clouds
as "Jesus's beanbag chairs."
I'm ready to cut and run. Who knew
how much money you can make
by being allowed to
literally print money?
I own several radical Christian
military training camps
outside Jerusalem now.
To making out like bandits.
Hear, hear!
We sure did. I checked
with human resources,
and they said I can keep this key chain
I found in my desk when I started.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, Mike. History won't
remember your name.
Eric, hurry up.
My beautiful dime-piece Kimberly's
gonna be here any minute.
Sorry. I asked the dove guy
to go easy on the flap,
but he clearly didn't listen.
God, where the hell is Kimberly?
This could be my last
day to charge taxpayers
for a wedding then drink so much
I yak mid-way through
my 2024 announcement.
What do you think of my vows...
"Hey, Kimberly, get your ass over here."
Are you sure she's on her way?
These officiant's robes
are making my skin cry.
God, this blows sack.
No bride, no witness, every single guest
probably stuck in traffic.
Cheer up, Don.
We'll always have each other.
Wait a minute, that's it.
You're the only one
who's stood by my side
and slightly behind me
so people wouldn't think
we knew each other.
Eric, you beautiful
stupid fucking idiot,
will you marry me?
If it means sleeping in the
same room as you again,
I'm in.
Eric, you are my brother,
and I love you like a dirty
little pet Chihuahua.
- I do.
- I do, as well, too.
Fly, boys. Oh, no!
- Aah!
- Fuck.
I just realized we
never signed a prenup.
You'll be hearing from my lawyers.
Of all the days.
Ivanka, if Donald loses,
our life in America is over.
I'm talking death glares on Fifth Avenue
and Broadway actors breaking character
to scream at us about genocide.
Think, Jared. Where can we go?
Who owes us one?
Oh, MBS.
I let him literally chop up the
body of one of our journalists.
That should at least
get us a couple months
in his pool house, right?
[MAN SCREAMING]
- He sounds busy.
- That's it. I'm calling Russia.
Ivanka, no, no!
It took me three years
to shake the stink of
those Kislyak meetings.
[MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
Ugh, I forgot I don't
actually speak Russian.
I just told a U.N. peacekeeper I did
so I could be in a photo-op.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Just breathe, okay,
and remember your mantra...
"Compound interest.
Compound interest."
Thanks, Jared.
Nothing calms me down
like looking into the blank,
unforgiving void of your corneas.
Let's just pray we
don't end up in Qatar.
They always bring up
how they bailed me out
of that $1.6 billion dollar
real-estate shit pit.
Ugh, get over yourself, Qatar.
♪ Election Day, when everyone
is watching the news ♪
♪ I'm Charles Rod Todd, the man
with all the breaking news ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
I'm Lester Holt, and I
would never rhyme a word
- with the same word.
- Now, that hurts.
Reports from polling places in Georgia
have confirmed that
instead of ballot boxes,
polling volunteers have been
sent boxes of dead crows.
Election officials fear this
could be an early indicator
of widespread voter suppression.
Oh, good, they got the crows.
That'll do, lifetime appointees.
That'll do.
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES, BEEPS]
- [KAVANAUGH CRYING]
Hi, Brett. Is everything okay?
No, nothing is ever okay!
First my confirmation
to the Supreme Court
got delayed by two days!
Now the other most powerful people
in the country are being butts!
Calm down.
Sobbing only benefits you on-camera.
Oh, right. Just tell the other
justices to party with me.
I wanna play my super-fun drinking game
where I take a shot every
time I do a keg stand.
The other justices are
busy deciding what to do
if they wind up with another
Bush v. Gore on their hands.
I think Ruth would've
wanted it this way.
Heads, Trump. Tails, Trump.
[BIDEN] And in conclusion,
as your next President,
I think we should all
forgive Donald Trump.
Sure, he can be a
little kooky sometimes,
but I think it's for the best if we
pretend like he never existed,
except when the two of
us go to a Cowboys game
and touch hands in a
big bowl of popcorn.
Thank ya mucho. Pretty good, huh?
Uh, it's... well...
It's clear that you
wrote it yourself, Dad.
Thanks, Hunter. I even looked
up some stuff in the thesaurus.
What stuff is he talking...
I think you should read it to Obama
and your running mate
for a second opinion.
We're family, after all,
so we think everything
you do is wonderful.
Oh, good point, Jillybean.
They'll give me the
heavily-edited truth.
If your father wins, one of
us is on pill-cocktail duty,
and the other has to keep him
from slipping on wet surfaces
for the next four years.
With my storied history of
drug and alcohol abuse,
I should probably do, uh, wet surfaces.
Thank ya mucho.
The last part is Spanish.
Instead of worrying
about some dull speech,
why don't we do something fun
to celebrate election night
- and keep you out of the public eye?
- Like what?
- Quesadillas?
- Feed the Roomba?
Sorry, but I know Joe pretty well,
and he loves making quesadillas.
I actually know him pretty well, too,
and if there's one thing he loves,
it's feeding the Roomba bits of lint.
- Joe?
- Which is it?
I can't choose between my
old best friend Barack
and my new best friend, this lady.
Can't we do both?
I guess if you promise to spend
Election Night locked in my house,
away from cameras, journalists,
and American voters, we can do both.
Quesadillas, feeding the Roomba,
and becoming President by default?
This is the best day of my life.
I'm Wolf Blitzer, and
sometimes I wake up
on the roof of my house. No idea.
As polls begin to close
across the country,
many states remain too close to call.
If we look at Wisconsin,
we can see that in 2016 it went red.
Oh, dear.
Something's amiss with Wisconsin.
Let's instead look to Nevada,
where Joe Biden was
outperformed in the primary,
but... oh, goodness.
[CUOMO] Geez, look at this bing-bong.
How hard is it to touch a screen?
I poke my thousand-inch plasma 24/7.
While our team corrects
this technical issue,
perhaps you'd like to get to
know the man behind the map.
Me, Wolf Blitzer.
I, uh, enjoy scrambled egg whites.
[MAN COUGHS IN DISTANCE]
This is excruciating.
Let's go live to a Democratic rally.
- [APPLAUSE]
- Hello, Wisconsin!
For the past six months
we've been begging you
to vote for Joe Biden,
and after tonight we can
finally stop doing that.
Joe is a true friend of
the progressive movement.
The kind of friend you
don't speak to for years,
then they call you out of nowhere
to sell you weight-loss smoothies.
Our revolution will be in good
hands with President Biden.
I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore.
A few more hours, Alexandria.
Then we can both scrub our
tongues off with steel wool
until 2024.
I'm not even controlling my body.
- This is all reflex.
- Eh, fuck it.
Everyone take a ski mask.
Let's torch the precinct
on Lombardi Street!
It's been a pleasure upstaging
you all this campaign.
I'm sure I'll see roughly one
of you in Biden's cabinet.
Damn right. I'll be in the
office full of Bud Light cans
with one sip missing and the door
marked "Secretary of State."
Hilarious. That role has
naturally been pledged to me,
a fluent speaker of... languages.
Over my dead bodies of mouthy interns.
Obama said I'm Secretary of State.
Did Obama promise everyone State?
- [BUTTIGIEG AND WARREN] Yes.
- Fuckin' yes.
Glad I'm not the only dumbass.
The same guy promised
to close Guantanamo.
Well, whomever gets the position,
we can all agree they'll do a
better job than Hillary Clinton.
- Oh, God, yes.
- Amen.
That fuckin' psycho scares me shitless.
[CLINTON] That's odd.
I sense someone saying
my name in Wisconsin.
Uh, honey, we ain't done
with the mortar yet.
Stop squirming.
The 2024 campaign starts now,
and I can't have you running amok.
You know, the inside of this wall
kinda reminds me of
Epstein's tape vault.
Why must the good die so suspiciously?
No island talk until the wall is sealed.
Mom, how do I get the pictures
of Ghislaine Maxwell
at my wedding off the Inter...
- wait, what are you doing?
- I have no choice.
He keeps chewing off his ankle monitor.
I hear the call of the wild.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Mother, he'll die in there.
- Chels, don't worry,
he's got enough cheese
balls to last my first term,
and Prince Andrew is
keeping him company.
Charmed I'm sure, Chelsea.
Now, hand me that mortar.
Bezos and I are doing a paint 'n' sip,
and the bricks need time to set.
Hoo-hoo! You better
double-layer that to be safe.
Chelsea, help me or get in the wall.
Mommy's got a campaign to announce.
[PELOSI] "It's time to save the
status Pokémon Quo in 2024
by voting for Chillary Clinton"?
Chillary Clinton?
What the hell is she doing?
We agreed she'd wait until 2032.
That goddamn Hulu documentary
was supposed to keep her in
an edit bay through winter.
Heaven help us.
I thought your people
didn't do the heaven thing.
Half my constituents are Catholic.
Take a fuckin' knee.
- Oh, God.
- [BOTH GROANING]
I'm down.
Dear God, please let Joe
Biden win the election
for the sake of Democracy and all that.
But if you have to let Trump win
to keep us swimming in donor cash,
we're cool with that, too.
[HANNITY] The end is near!
- God?
- He sounds so angry.
This is it, people!
Add butter and a pinch of salt
to your cyanide capsules,
because the Deep State has
come for President Trump.
And just when the country
was finally running smoothly
and my accuser was being silenced.
♪ Dun, da-da-da-dun ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-dun ♪
♪ Election day ♪
♪ When everyone's engorging the news ♪
[EARHARDT] Sean? Let me in. I'm scared.
My beloved Ainsley Earhardt.
You sound muffled.
Are you wearing a face mask?
Those minimum-wage tyrants
from lobby security forced me to.
I want to ride out the
apocalypse with you,
but I can't get inside.
That's because I welded
the doors, windows,
and air vents shut.
Totally unrelated, but I can't breathe,
and I'm not going to fall sleep,
but I am going to rest
my eyes for a minute.
[MUTTERS, SNORES]
I don't think Hannity's
heart is in it tonight.
"...and gleaming entrails
strung up like garland."
You're the only speechwriter
whose words make me queasy... good work.
- Time to stick the landing, Stevie.
- Yes, Sire.
"From the killing fields of Detroit
to the bloodbaths of outer Detroit,
I will always be your God."
Now, that's an acceptance speech.
Who's going to be on stage?
The only people who have RSVP'd
are you, me, and Herman Cain,
who probably won't, uh...
- I mean you never know, but no.
- That's all?
Has firing every friend, staffer,
and four-star general
I've ever employed kept them
from walking me down the aisle?
All those hacks couldn't take it.
You're right, Stevie.
All those has-beens' lives ended
the day they walked out of here.
♪ You're one of us ♪
♪ You wrote a memoir to seem ♪
♪ Less complicit in racism ♪
♪ You're former sycophants ♪
So, how are all my favorite
former co-workers doing?
- [BOLTON AND MCMASTER] Great.
- I need a drink.
"Masked Singer" hard-passed again?
Nah, brother killed another dog.
Bolton, you're payin' for this
beer with your rat money.
Speaking of, did you guys get a chance
to look at my manuscript?
The bones are there, but just
like an Iranian hospital,
a Trump tell-all needs bombshells.
You left out the time he
sleep-walked into the War Room
and ordered the destruction
of Diane Keaton.
Hey, y'all.
- Jeff. Jeff.
- Jeff. Jeff.
How's life treating you,
little freaky guy?
Like it planted a marijuana
cigarette on me.
Still upset about your Senate race?
Naw, it's not that.
They're tearin' down
all my favorite statues.
Now how am I supposed to
learn about the Civil War?
Don't cry because they're being removed,
smile because what they stood for
is still enshrined in every
city's bloated police budget.
Look at us.
One dangerously incompetent
boss made five friends for life.
C'mon, who'd y'all vote for?
[ALL] Trump.
♪ You're former sycophants ♪
And now for my final attempt to crack
open the Russia investigation.
We have new footage of Don Jr.
exiting a Bethesda Tilted Kilt
only six hours before his
infamous Russia meeting.
Fact... on the day of
the Wikileaks dump,
Eric Trump was also
spotted at a Tilted Kilt,
ordering a basket of
spiceless chicken wings.
Was this a co-conspiracy or
was Don Jr. actually coming
from the Play It Again Sports next door?
Of course. That's it.
Rachel, you Russophobic Nancy Drew.
You didn't lose all your family
and friends for nothing.
You've finally cracked the case.
The answer is...
[ROOMBA WHIRRING]
Hey, Instagram Live guys, gals,
and other gender identities
which I am learning about
with each passing day.
There's only one hour left
before the polls close.
I just wanna make one last
plea in case some of you
are still unsure where
I stand on malarkey.
Joe? What are you doing?
Nothin', just chattin' with Siri.
Hey, Siri, what's up?
Give me that phone, Joe.
A powerful, and dare I say,
Presidential final message
from Vice President Joe Biden.
In other election news,
volunteers at the most populous
polling place in Maine
are reporting major delays,
thanks to Senator Susan Collins,
who has been standing in the
same voting booth since dawn.
[COLLINS] Okay, Susan,
time to make up your mind.
Hmm. Biden or Trump?
Everyone's wondering which
way Susan Collins will swing.
[MAN] C'mon, lady.
I love Joe Biden's incessant
physical attention,
but then again, Donald Trump
has shown great growth
in the wake of his impeachment.
For example... me saying that he has.
Hurry the eff up!
I know... Brumpen.
You can't combine the names.
Brumpen, that's my vote.
And here we go. Hmm.
Shall I bubble in with
royal or oxford blue?
[GROANS]
"Officials warn of Russian
election interference."
Oh, good, maybe the
Russians will vote for me.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP]
And also the walls are closing in
and I need your help or I might die.
Relax. Look at it this way...
all of your troubles are
8,000 miles away from me.
Can't you throw me another Western
World-destabilizing bone?
I gotta be honest.
I'm not sure I can put up
with another four years of this.
It's always, "Putin. Hack my election."
Never, "Putin, how are you?
Congratulations on
your hacked election."
I'm begging you. Things
are not great over here.
Keep it moving, folks.
There are two NDA lines...
one for staff and family,
and one for cleaning ladies
whose cleavage I spilled relish
down so I could go fetch it.
Hi, Rudy. It's a beautiful day.
- Where do I sign?
- Wow, Melania,
I haven't seen you this happy
since the doctors were removing phlegm
from Donald's lungs
with ice-cream scoops.
I'll sign in blood.
Just get me the fuck out of here.
[PUTIN] Sorry, Trumpy, I can't help you.
Besides, I'm kinda curious to see
what'll happen with this Biden guy.
[LINE CLICKS]
♪ What's gonna change? ♪
♪ Will I get to stay the President ♪
♪ Or be banished to Fox News ♪
♪ And stoke some
violence there instead? ♪
- ♪ What's gonna change? ♪
- ♪ What's gonna change? ♪
♪ Will I stay stuck in this basement ♪
♪ Or will I get to fall asleep ♪
♪ Every day at the
Resolute Desk instead? ♪
- ♪ What's gonna change? ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪
♪ I am married to my brother now ♪
♪ And I the bride ♪
♪ He's the bride, I'm the groom ♪
♪ Don't frickin' get it confused ♪
♪ We know things will
change, but not how ♪
♪ What's gonna change? ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Will our enormous wealth
keep things the same? ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ What's gonna ♪
- ♪ Chaaaaaaaaaa... ♪
- ♪ Will I get to start a civil war? ♪
♪ Or stop pretending to
be Christian anymore? ♪
And the results are in... conclusive.
I'll be live in-studio until
the election is called,
which means Christmas
came early for those of us
who love to sleep in our
work socks. [SQUEALS]
A blow to democracy,
a boon to TV newscasters.
But the million-dollar
year-end bonus question is,
when will we know
who's won the election?
My guess is sometime in the future.
What the ass?
Eh, it's always been kind
of a lose/lose for me.
We were winning. What happened?
Besides adding in the cities
where all the people live?
I could put the COVID-19 task force
on the hunt for voter fraud.
We're not really doing much else.
Brings a tear to my eye.
Oh, no, wait, that's
the knock-off cologne
I bought from a street
vendor at 4:00 a.m.
on my way out of Kurt's
Magic Titty Parlor.
This... is... awesome!
It is way past my bedtime.
Oh, come on. Who do I have
to drone to get some results?
Relax.
I was begrudgingly elected the nominee,
and I'll be begrudgingly
elected President.
Calm down, guys. We just need to win
one of the states where
Hillary was burned in effigy.
I'm feeling a little tense.
Anybody got 10,000 cigarettes?
Chuck, what does this mean
for infrastructure week?
We may not know the winner,
but at least we know
it's not Bernie Sanders.
[TODD] And the Democrats have lost
at least six seats in the House.
Embarrassing. And that's
coming from Chuck Todd.
- Ouch.
- God damn it, Nancy!
What did you think was
gonna fucking happen?!
Everybody told you that this
was gonna fucking happen!
I called you every goddamn day
telling you this was
gonna happen, you fu...
I won. I won!
Looks like dragging myself
across the bathroom floor
of the Republican Party,
reaching into the toilet,
and hugging the biggest turd
in the bowl was all worth it.
That was a close one
for old Susan Collins,
but I knew I could do it if
I stuck to my principles,
whatever they may be.
Either I get four years
of judicial appointments
or four years of congressional gridlock.
Either way, I'm whistling Dixie
till God sends a big,
ol' thunderbolt through my skull.
Who did they say won? Eh, who cares.
I'm gonna try to go all four
years without finding out.
LMFAO AF.
Okay, now, who, like, wants to help me
build a new self-driving deathtrap?
[BIDEN] Well, Jill, we won, right?
It feels like we won, right?
A-Am I crazy or not? I...
We sure did. Now, get out there
and tell the American people
that the next few days to months
are gonna suck ass.
Don, whatever happens after this,
you'll always be the greatest
disappointment of my life.
Thanks, Dad. Now, get out there
and tell the American people
that the election has been compromised
by an army of Venezuelan single moms.
Shut up, that was my idea.
Hey, gang.
Thanks for coming to this month's
White House super-spreader event.
I'm gonna keep this tradition going
till I'm the last man wheezing.
Don't be fooled, people.
I won this election fair and square.
I don't care what the pundits say,
what the papers say,
or what the voters say.
I'm not giving up.
As God as my witness,
I will never stop fighting the
will of the American people.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Hello, Delaware.
I'm here to give a brief, hasty speech
because I'm awake after 9:00,
and it's cold as Blitzen's tits.
Ain't it great, folks?
I won a nail-biter against the devil.
I can't believe so many of you went out
and voted for me during a pandemic.
If you get sick, just send me
your $30,000 hospital bill,
and I'll autograph it.
The pollsters must stop counting
the fraudulent votes
in Wisconsin, Michigan,
and Pennsylvania.
But keep counting Georgia.
I think I've got a shot there.
By the way, isn't my
election-night speech
so much better than Biden's?
I even provided pre-show
entertainment...
Fox News on big screens.
These Georgia numbers
are not looking good
- for President Tru...
- La, la, la, la, la! Moving on.
I'm the one man who can bring this
divided nation back together,
sort of like when a delivery
guy falls off his bike
and a bunch of pedestrians
scramble over to help him
and realize, "Wow,
we're all totally different,
but we're all super
worried about this guy."
We won Ohio, we won Texas,
and we won Florida twice.
We're definitely gonna win that state
with all the lazy-eyed
weirdos in work boots.
What's it called? Fucksville?
Oh, yeah, Pennsylvania.
Now, Donald Trump's gonna
tell you he's President,
but don't listen to that lunkhead,
unless he's talking about how
fracking is the wave of the future.
We need to exhibit patience, people.
Like Jill does when I use the blender
and get strawberry guts
all over the ceiling.
I can't believe I lost Arizona.
And here I was,
thinking I turned a corner
with John McCain's ugly pig family.
If I could take back the insults
I threw at Donald Trump
at that White House
Correspondents' Dinner
that led him to run for president
and destroy democracy, I would.
Actually, no, I wouldn't. Fuck that guy.
I'm being told some repo
guys from Deutsche Bank
are pulling up in the driveway,
so if we could just hit the lights
and pretend no one's home...
[LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS, KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[MAN] Hello! I'm here to collect
$400 million worth of stuff!
Shh-shh-shh. Shut up. Shut up.
[ENGINE STARTS, VEHICLE BEEPING]
Okay, I think we're good.
Wow, am I gonna have a nutso
time the next four years
trying to get anything
done while Conservatives
and Progressives both hate my guts.
I'm entering office with
the slimmest of mandates,
a Republican Congress
that claims I'm Castro,
and a heart that's 78 years old,
but the victory's already won.
We made Donald Trump
a one-term president
by replacing him with
a one-term president!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE, HORNS HONKING]
You thought you could
get rid of me, America,
but I'm never going away.
I'm like Freddie Krueger on some
serious anti-inflammatory steroids.
Don't worry. I'm not gonna let
Democrats steal this election.
We're taking this all the
way to the Supreme Court.
I got my justice buddies
watching my back...
nerdy guy, abortion
lady, and my main man,
I wanna say, Bill Kavanaugh.
Assuming he's not black-out drunk
for the next week and a half.
Whoo!
_
_
- _
- Don't worry.
Pennsylvania loves me.
I'm from West Philadelphia,
born and raised.
Oh, wait. That's "Fresh Prince."
[TODD] Biden wins Pennsylvania,
and that's the game...
the baseball game,
the presidential baseball game.
Can anyone give me a lift to Argentina?
♪ Why do we do this to ourselves? ♪
♪ Campaign for two to four years ♪
♪ And give this figurehead
presidency so much weight? ♪
♪ When has putting one
white man in charge ♪
♪ Led to anything other than ♪
♪ Genocide, slavery ♪
♪ Chiquita Banana, and Watergate? ♪
[PELOSI] ♪ Let's be real here, money ♪
♪ We did it for money ♪
♪ And sometimes the power ♪
♪ But mostly the money ♪
♪ I mean, a hundred ♪
♪ $120 million ♪
♪ Is my personal net worth ♪
♪ You think I'd get that as
a Gap sales associate? ♪
♪ I don't think so ♪
♪ And so we'll reach across the aisle ♪
♪ If the hand we're shaking with ♪
♪ Has a check from Monsanto
wrapped up in its fist ♪
♪ We work together to
keep Bill's record clean ♪
♪ And hide that little black
book of Jeffrey Epstein's ♪
♪ Jeffrey ♪
♪ He was a personal friend of mine ♪
♪ They cut him down in his prime ♪
♪ But the power he exploited
with his money in life ♪
♪ Is the American dream
played out before our eyes ♪
♪ Oh, sweet Jesus, call on me ♪
♪ To use the power of your
name to ban refugees ♪
♪ Going back to the dark ages ♪
♪ With the baby cages ♪
♪ Flying 100 miles an hour
through the fascism stages ♪
♪ Obama taught me hope and
change and armored drones ♪
♪ And I hope one day, too,
to pretend to close Guantanamo ♪
Americans are all corrupt
in their own unique ways,
but there's one thing
that unites us all.
♪ Power ♪
♪ Money ♪
♪ America ♪
♪ My fucked ♪
♪ Ho-o-o-o-o-me ♪
T'dee, t'dee, t'dee,
t'dee, t'dee, t'dee!
Ted Cruz, folks!
♪ Donald Trump was the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump was the president ♪
♪ Was Donald Trump the president? ♪
- ♪ Yes, he was ♪
- ♪ Yes, he was ♪
♪ We elected him president ♪
♪ Was Donald Trump the president? ♪
- ♪ Yes, he was ♪
- ♪ For four whole years ♪
♪ Donald Trump was our president ♪
♪ Donald Trump was the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump, he was our president ♪
♪ We made him president ♪
♪ We did that ♪
♪ Donald Trump was the president ♪
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
♪ Donald Trump was the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump was the president ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-ah ♪
Trump!
_
Ah, today's the day.
Well, you're off in a tizzy
this morning, Chuck Todd.
Election Day, sir.
The most important day
in the history of democracy.
I get to go on TV and
make it all about me.
Little Chuck Todd, always
with his head in the clouds
and his hair looking like shit.
♪ Election Day ♪
♪ When everyone is watching the news ♪
I'm all diapered up and ready
to stand for 14 hours.
The most important
election of our lifetime.
Plus Nate Silver interviews.
[SILVER] Our algorithm predicts Biden,
but it, uh, also might be Trump.
♪ And I will stand in front of
this giant iPad real confused ♪
.004 reporting, let's project a winner.
♪ And I will sacrifice this
lamb if Biden starts to lose ♪
Two men, both Presidential.
♪ Election day, when everyone
tunes into MSNBC in ♪
- ♪ Prime time ♪
- ♪ Prime time ♪
- ♪ Prime time ♪
- ♪ Prime time ♪
♪ Everyone including all the people ♪
♪ Who drove past their polling place ♪
♪ And thought the line
was just too long to vote ♪
♪ Is watching the news ♪
That's right. It's the news' prom night,
and everyone is watching,
including the big man himself.
The question on everyone's mind...
"What is President Trump thinking?"
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] I wonder
if I should dial the fake number
Christie Brinkley gave me in 1982
just in case it's her real number now.
Nah, I don't need her validation,
because I'm an all-knowing
Presidential God,
and that will never change.
I don't even need this
list of prepared excuses
as to why I lost today's election.
[TOGETHER] Four years
ago, we made a friend.
To express our love,
this poem we penned.
Our President smells like lilacs,
a warm and caring listener.
Such an athlete is he, better
than both the Williams sisters.
You have shown such grace,
despite all you endured,
may your enemies be vanquished,
especially Anna Wintour.
No matter what happens today,
it was my honor to stare into a void
while you ranted on the phone
for 90 minutes straight.
Those were great times
to catch up on chores.
And, if Biden becomes President,
we'll always say your
negligent homicides
were not nearly as bad as his gaffes.
Somebody, help!
The "Fox & Friends"
have been body-snatched.
Wow, I'm still in this thing, huh?
I haven't felt this bulletproof
since before the Me Too movement.
[GRUNTS]
I brought your favorite... meat lumps.
Kellyanne? I thought I fired you
for also getting coronavirus.
Oh, I just swung by to
watch your legacy burn.
Hey, Kellyanne, the polls
say I'm gonna win, right?
Fuck it. You don't sign
my paychecks anymore,
so I'm just gonna be straight with you.
All I've ever wanted is
heavily-edited honesty.
The truth is, you're
guzzling so much ass
you better use a jumbo straw
so it doesn't dribble down
your ugly blobfish chin
and give your fat face a UTI.
Everybody knows you have
as much chance of winning
as you do of taking a successful shit
without two Secret Service guys
poking your gut with broomsticks.
Your suits fit you so bad,
you look like a cow
wandered into a camping
tent and got stuck.
No one likes you, no one will miss you,
and the sun will shine brighter
when your ashes are
encased in a gaudy vase
one of your shithead sons
will eventually shatter
while masturbating to the
thought of his ex-wives
who refuse to talk to
him in family court.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Save it for the Times.
Also, "The Apprentice"
really took a nosedive
after season four.
And stay out!
I spit on all those meat lumps!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
What's the password?
- [CONWAY] I am not Donald Trump.
- Come in.
Hey, you assholes didn't start
the party without me, did you?
Nah, it's mostly been us
plotting our escape routes
through Washington's sewer systems.
So many regrets.
I could have done more.
There are still a few science books
that don't refer to clouds
as "Jesus's beanbag chairs."
I'm ready to cut and run. Who knew
how much money you can make
by being allowed to
literally print money?
I own several radical Christian
military training camps
outside Jerusalem now.
To making out like bandits.
Hear, hear!
We sure did. I checked
with human resources,
and they said I can keep this key chain
I found in my desk when I started.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, Mike. History won't
remember your name.
Eric, hurry up.
My beautiful dime-piece Kimberly's
gonna be here any minute.
Sorry. I asked the dove guy
to go easy on the flap,
but he clearly didn't listen.
God, where the hell is Kimberly?
This could be my last
day to charge taxpayers
for a wedding then drink so much
I yak mid-way through
my 2024 announcement.
What do you think of my vows...
"Hey, Kimberly, get your ass over here."
Are you sure she's on her way?
These officiant's robes
are making my skin cry.
God, this blows sack.
No bride, no witness, every single guest
probably stuck in traffic.
Cheer up, Don.
We'll always have each other.
Wait a minute, that's it.
You're the only one
who's stood by my side
and slightly behind me
so people wouldn't think
we knew each other.
Eric, you beautiful
stupid fucking idiot,
will you marry me?
If it means sleeping in the
same room as you again,
I'm in.
Eric, you are my brother,
and I love you like a dirty
little pet Chihuahua.
- I do.
- I do, as well, too.
Fly, boys. Oh, no!
- Aah!
- Fuck.
I just realized we
never signed a prenup.
You'll be hearing from my lawyers.
Of all the days.
Ivanka, if Donald loses,
our life in America is over.
I'm talking death glares on Fifth Avenue
and Broadway actors breaking character
to scream at us about genocide.
Think, Jared. Where can we go?
Who owes us one?
Oh, MBS.
I let him literally chop up the
body of one of our journalists.
That should at least
get us a couple months
in his pool house, right?
[MAN SCREAMING]
- He sounds busy.
- That's it. I'm calling Russia.
Ivanka, no, no!
It took me three years
to shake the stink of
those Kislyak meetings.
[MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
Ugh, I forgot I don't
actually speak Russian.
I just told a U.N. peacekeeper I did
so I could be in a photo-op.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Just breathe, okay,
and remember your mantra...
"Compound interest.
Compound interest."
Thanks, Jared.
Nothing calms me down
like looking into the blank,
unforgiving void of your corneas.
Let's just pray we
don't end up in Qatar.
They always bring up
how they bailed me out
of that $1.6 billion dollar
real-estate shit pit.
Ugh, get over yourself, Qatar.
♪ Election Day, when everyone
is watching the news ♪
♪ I'm Charles Rod Todd, the man
with all the breaking news ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
I'm Lester Holt, and I
would never rhyme a word
- with the same word.
- Now, that hurts.
Reports from polling places in Georgia
have confirmed that
instead of ballot boxes,
polling volunteers have been
sent boxes of dead crows.
Election officials fear this
could be an early indicator
of widespread voter suppression.
Oh, good, they got the crows.
That'll do, lifetime appointees.
That'll do.
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES, BEEPS]
- [KAVANAUGH CRYING]
Hi, Brett. Is everything okay?
No, nothing is ever okay!
First my confirmation
to the Supreme Court
got delayed by two days!
Now the other most powerful people
in the country are being butts!
Calm down.
Sobbing only benefits you on-camera.
Oh, right. Just tell the other
justices to party with me.
I wanna play my super-fun drinking game
where I take a shot every
time I do a keg stand.
The other justices are
busy deciding what to do
if they wind up with another
Bush v. Gore on their hands.
I think Ruth would've
wanted it this way.
Heads, Trump. Tails, Trump.
[BIDEN] And in conclusion,
as your next President,
I think we should all
forgive Donald Trump.
Sure, he can be a
little kooky sometimes,
but I think it's for the best if we
pretend like he never existed,
except when the two of
us go to a Cowboys game
and touch hands in a
big bowl of popcorn.
Thank ya mucho. Pretty good, huh?
Uh, it's... well...
It's clear that you
wrote it yourself, Dad.
Thanks, Hunter. I even looked
up some stuff in the thesaurus.
What stuff is he talking...
I think you should read it to Obama
and your running mate
for a second opinion.
We're family, after all,
so we think everything
you do is wonderful.
Oh, good point, Jillybean.
They'll give me the
heavily-edited truth.
If your father wins, one of
us is on pill-cocktail duty,
and the other has to keep him
from slipping on wet surfaces
for the next four years.
With my storied history of
drug and alcohol abuse,
I should probably do, uh, wet surfaces.
Thank ya mucho.
The last part is Spanish.
Instead of worrying
about some dull speech,
why don't we do something fun
to celebrate election night
- and keep you out of the public eye?
- Like what?
- Quesadillas?
- Feed the Roomba?
Sorry, but I know Joe pretty well,
and he loves making quesadillas.
I actually know him pretty well, too,
and if there's one thing he loves,
it's feeding the Roomba bits of lint.
- Joe?
- Which is it?
I can't choose between my
old best friend Barack
and my new best friend, this lady.
Can't we do both?
I guess if you promise to spend
Election Night locked in my house,
away from cameras, journalists,
and American voters, we can do both.
Quesadillas, feeding the Roomba,
and becoming President by default?
This is the best day of my life.
I'm Wolf Blitzer, and
sometimes I wake up
on the roof of my house. No idea.
As polls begin to close
across the country,
many states remain too close to call.
If we look at Wisconsin,
we can see that in 2016 it went red.
Oh, dear.
Something's amiss with Wisconsin.
Let's instead look to Nevada,
where Joe Biden was
outperformed in the primary,
but... oh, goodness.
[CUOMO] Geez, look at this bing-bong.
How hard is it to touch a screen?
I poke my thousand-inch plasma 24/7.
While our team corrects
this technical issue,
perhaps you'd like to get to
know the man behind the map.
Me, Wolf Blitzer.
I, uh, enjoy scrambled egg whites.
[MAN COUGHS IN DISTANCE]
This is excruciating.
Let's go live to a Democratic rally.
- [APPLAUSE]
- Hello, Wisconsin!
For the past six months
we've been begging you
to vote for Joe Biden,
and after tonight we can
finally stop doing that.
Joe is a true friend of
the progressive movement.
The kind of friend you
don't speak to for years,
then they call you out of nowhere
to sell you weight-loss smoothies.
Our revolution will be in good
hands with President Biden.
I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore.
A few more hours, Alexandria.
Then we can both scrub our
tongues off with steel wool
until 2024.
I'm not even controlling my body.
- This is all reflex.
- Eh, fuck it.
Everyone take a ski mask.
Let's torch the precinct
on Lombardi Street!
It's been a pleasure upstaging
you all this campaign.
I'm sure I'll see roughly one
of you in Biden's cabinet.
Damn right. I'll be in the
office full of Bud Light cans
with one sip missing and the door
marked "Secretary of State."
Hilarious. That role has
naturally been pledged to me,
a fluent speaker of... languages.
Over my dead bodies of mouthy interns.
Obama said I'm Secretary of State.
Did Obama promise everyone State?
- [BUTTIGIEG AND WARREN] Yes.
- Fuckin' yes.
Glad I'm not the only dumbass.
The same guy promised
to close Guantanamo.
Well, whomever gets the position,
we can all agree they'll do a
better job than Hillary Clinton.
- Oh, God, yes.
- Amen.
That fuckin' psycho scares me shitless.
[CLINTON] That's odd.
I sense someone saying
my name in Wisconsin.
Uh, honey, we ain't done
with the mortar yet.
Stop squirming.
The 2024 campaign starts now,
and I can't have you running amok.
You know, the inside of this wall
kinda reminds me of
Epstein's tape vault.
Why must the good die so suspiciously?
No island talk until the wall is sealed.
Mom, how do I get the pictures
of Ghislaine Maxwell
at my wedding off the Inter...
- wait, what are you doing?
- I have no choice.
He keeps chewing off his ankle monitor.
I hear the call of the wild.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Mother, he'll die in there.
- Chels, don't worry,
he's got enough cheese
balls to last my first term,
and Prince Andrew is
keeping him company.
Charmed I'm sure, Chelsea.
Now, hand me that mortar.
Bezos and I are doing a paint 'n' sip,
and the bricks need time to set.
Hoo-hoo! You better
double-layer that to be safe.
Chelsea, help me or get in the wall.
Mommy's got a campaign to announce.
[PELOSI] "It's time to save the
status Pokémon Quo in 2024
by voting for Chillary Clinton"?
Chillary Clinton?
What the hell is she doing?
We agreed she'd wait until 2032.
That goddamn Hulu documentary
was supposed to keep her in
an edit bay through winter.
Heaven help us.
I thought your people
didn't do the heaven thing.
Half my constituents are Catholic.
Take a fuckin' knee.
- Oh, God.
- [BOTH GROANING]
I'm down.
Dear God, please let Joe
Biden win the election
for the sake of Democracy and all that.
But if you have to let Trump win
to keep us swimming in donor cash,
we're cool with that, too.
[HANNITY] The end is near!
- God?
- He sounds so angry.
This is it, people!
Add butter and a pinch of salt
to your cyanide capsules,
because the Deep State has
come for President Trump.
And just when the country
was finally running smoothly
and my accuser was being silenced.
♪ Dun, da-da-da-dun ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-dun ♪
♪ Election day ♪
♪ When everyone's engorging the news ♪
[EARHARDT] Sean? Let me in. I'm scared.
My beloved Ainsley Earhardt.
You sound muffled.
Are you wearing a face mask?
Those minimum-wage tyrants
from lobby security forced me to.
I want to ride out the
apocalypse with you,
but I can't get inside.
That's because I welded
the doors, windows,
and air vents shut.
Totally unrelated, but I can't breathe,
and I'm not going to fall sleep,
but I am going to rest
my eyes for a minute.
[MUTTERS, SNORES]
I don't think Hannity's
heart is in it tonight.
"...and gleaming entrails
strung up like garland."
You're the only speechwriter
whose words make me queasy... good work.
- Time to stick the landing, Stevie.
- Yes, Sire.
"From the killing fields of Detroit
to the bloodbaths of outer Detroit,
I will always be your God."
Now, that's an acceptance speech.
Who's going to be on stage?
The only people who have RSVP'd
are you, me, and Herman Cain,
who probably won't, uh...
- I mean you never know, but no.
- That's all?
Has firing every friend, staffer,
and four-star general
I've ever employed kept them
from walking me down the aisle?
All those hacks couldn't take it.
You're right, Stevie.
All those has-beens' lives ended
the day they walked out of here.
♪ You're one of us ♪
♪ You wrote a memoir to seem ♪
♪ Less complicit in racism ♪
♪ You're former sycophants ♪
So, how are all my favorite
former co-workers doing?
- [BOLTON AND MCMASTER] Great.
- I need a drink.
"Masked Singer" hard-passed again?
Nah, brother killed another dog.
Bolton, you're payin' for this
beer with your rat money.
Speaking of, did you guys get a chance
to look at my manuscript?
The bones are there, but just
like an Iranian hospital,
a Trump tell-all needs bombshells.
You left out the time he
sleep-walked into the War Room
and ordered the destruction
of Diane Keaton.
Hey, y'all.
- Jeff. Jeff.
- Jeff. Jeff.
How's life treating you,
little freaky guy?
Like it planted a marijuana
cigarette on me.
Still upset about your Senate race?
Naw, it's not that.
They're tearin' down
all my favorite statues.
Now how am I supposed to
learn about the Civil War?
Don't cry because they're being removed,
smile because what they stood for
is still enshrined in every
city's bloated police budget.
Look at us.
One dangerously incompetent
boss made five friends for life.
C'mon, who'd y'all vote for?
[ALL] Trump.
♪ You're former sycophants ♪
And now for my final attempt to crack
open the Russia investigation.
We have new footage of Don Jr.
exiting a Bethesda Tilted Kilt
only six hours before his
infamous Russia meeting.
Fact... on the day of
the Wikileaks dump,
Eric Trump was also
spotted at a Tilted Kilt,
ordering a basket of
spiceless chicken wings.
Was this a co-conspiracy or
was Don Jr. actually coming
from the Play It Again Sports next door?
Of course. That's it.
Rachel, you Russophobic Nancy Drew.
You didn't lose all your family
and friends for nothing.
You've finally cracked the case.
The answer is...
[ROOMBA WHIRRING]
Hey, Instagram Live guys, gals,
and other gender identities
which I am learning about
with each passing day.
There's only one hour left
before the polls close.
I just wanna make one last
plea in case some of you
are still unsure where
I stand on malarkey.
Joe? What are you doing?
Nothin', just chattin' with Siri.
Hey, Siri, what's up?
Give me that phone, Joe.
A powerful, and dare I say,
Presidential final message
from Vice President Joe Biden.
In other election news,
volunteers at the most populous
polling place in Maine
are reporting major delays,
thanks to Senator Susan Collins,
who has been standing in the
same voting booth since dawn.
[COLLINS] Okay, Susan,
time to make up your mind.
Hmm. Biden or Trump?
Everyone's wondering which
way Susan Collins will swing.
[MAN] C'mon, lady.
I love Joe Biden's incessant
physical attention,
but then again, Donald Trump
has shown great growth
in the wake of his impeachment.
For example... me saying that he has.
Hurry the eff up!
I know... Brumpen.
You can't combine the names.
Brumpen, that's my vote.
And here we go. Hmm.
Shall I bubble in with
royal or oxford blue?
[GROANS]
"Officials warn of Russian
election interference."
Oh, good, maybe the
Russians will vote for me.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP]
And also the walls are closing in
and I need your help or I might die.
Relax. Look at it this way...
all of your troubles are
8,000 miles away from me.
Can't you throw me another Western
World-destabilizing bone?
I gotta be honest.
I'm not sure I can put up
with another four years of this.
It's always, "Putin. Hack my election."
Never, "Putin, how are you?
Congratulations on
your hacked election."
I'm begging you. Things
are not great over here.
Keep it moving, folks.
There are two NDA lines...
one for staff and family,
and one for cleaning ladies
whose cleavage I spilled relish
down so I could go fetch it.
Hi, Rudy. It's a beautiful day.
- Where do I sign?
- Wow, Melania,
I haven't seen you this happy
since the doctors were removing phlegm
from Donald's lungs
with ice-cream scoops.
I'll sign in blood.
Just get me the fuck out of here.
[PUTIN] Sorry, Trumpy, I can't help you.
Besides, I'm kinda curious to see
what'll happen with this Biden guy.
[LINE CLICKS]
♪ What's gonna change? ♪
♪ Will I get to stay the President ♪
♪ Or be banished to Fox News ♪
♪ And stoke some
violence there instead? ♪
- ♪ What's gonna change? ♪
- ♪ What's gonna change? ♪
♪ Will I stay stuck in this basement ♪
♪ Or will I get to fall asleep ♪
♪ Every day at the
Resolute Desk instead? ♪
- ♪ What's gonna change? ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪
♪ I am married to my brother now ♪
♪ And I the bride ♪
♪ He's the bride, I'm the groom ♪
♪ Don't frickin' get it confused ♪
♪ We know things will
change, but not how ♪
♪ What's gonna change? ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Will our enormous wealth
keep things the same? ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ What's gonna ♪
- ♪ Chaaaaaaaaaa... ♪
- ♪ Will I get to start a civil war? ♪
♪ Or stop pretending to
be Christian anymore? ♪
And the results are in... conclusive.
I'll be live in-studio until
the election is called,
which means Christmas
came early for those of us
who love to sleep in our
work socks. [SQUEALS]
A blow to democracy,
a boon to TV newscasters.
But the million-dollar
year-end bonus question is,
when will we know
who's won the election?
My guess is sometime in the future.
What the ass?
Eh, it's always been kind
of a lose/lose for me.
We were winning. What happened?
Besides adding in the cities
where all the people live?
I could put the COVID-19 task force
on the hunt for voter fraud.
We're not really doing much else.
Brings a tear to my eye.
Oh, no, wait, that's
the knock-off cologne
I bought from a street
vendor at 4:00 a.m.
on my way out of Kurt's
Magic Titty Parlor.
This... is... awesome!
It is way past my bedtime.
Oh, come on. Who do I have
to drone to get some results?
Relax.
I was begrudgingly elected the nominee,
and I'll be begrudgingly
elected President.
Calm down, guys. We just need to win
one of the states where
Hillary was burned in effigy.
I'm feeling a little tense.
Anybody got 10,000 cigarettes?
Chuck, what does this mean
for infrastructure week?
We may not know the winner,
but at least we know
it's not Bernie Sanders.
[TODD] And the Democrats have lost
at least six seats in the House.
Embarrassing. And that's
coming from Chuck Todd.
- Ouch.
- God damn it, Nancy!
What did you think was
gonna fucking happen?!
Everybody told you that this
was gonna fucking happen!
I called you every goddamn day
telling you this was
gonna happen, you fu...
I won. I won!
Looks like dragging myself
across the bathroom floor
of the Republican Party,
reaching into the toilet,
and hugging the biggest turd
in the bowl was all worth it.
That was a close one
for old Susan Collins,
but I knew I could do it if
I stuck to my principles,
whatever they may be.
Either I get four years
of judicial appointments
or four years of congressional gridlock.
Either way, I'm whistling Dixie
till God sends a big,
ol' thunderbolt through my skull.
Who did they say won? Eh, who cares.
I'm gonna try to go all four
years without finding out.
LMFAO AF.
Okay, now, who, like, wants to help me
build a new self-driving deathtrap?
[BIDEN] Well, Jill, we won, right?
It feels like we won, right?
A-Am I crazy or not? I...
We sure did. Now, get out there
and tell the American people
that the next few days to months
are gonna suck ass.
Don, whatever happens after this,
you'll always be the greatest
disappointment of my life.
Thanks, Dad. Now, get out there
and tell the American people
that the election has been compromised
by an army of Venezuelan single moms.
Shut up, that was my idea.
Hey, gang.
Thanks for coming to this month's
White House super-spreader event.
I'm gonna keep this tradition going
till I'm the last man wheezing.
Don't be fooled, people.
I won this election fair and square.
I don't care what the pundits say,
what the papers say,
or what the voters say.
I'm not giving up.
As God as my witness,
I will never stop fighting the
will of the American people.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Hello, Delaware.
I'm here to give a brief, hasty speech
because I'm awake after 9:00,
and it's cold as Blitzen's tits.
Ain't it great, folks?
I won a nail-biter against the devil.
I can't believe so many of you went out
and voted for me during a pandemic.
If you get sick, just send me
your $30,000 hospital bill,
and I'll autograph it.
The pollsters must stop counting
the fraudulent votes
in Wisconsin, Michigan,
and Pennsylvania.
But keep counting Georgia.
I think I've got a shot there.
By the way, isn't my
election-night speech
so much better than Biden's?
I even provided pre-show
entertainment...
Fox News on big screens.
These Georgia numbers
are not looking good
- for President Tru...
- La, la, la, la, la! Moving on.
I'm the one man who can bring this
divided nation back together,
sort of like when a delivery
guy falls off his bike
and a bunch of pedestrians
scramble over to help him
and realize, "Wow,
we're all totally different,
but we're all super
worried about this guy."
We won Ohio, we won Texas,
and we won Florida twice.
We're definitely gonna win that state
with all the lazy-eyed
weirdos in work boots.
What's it called? Fucksville?
Oh, yeah, Pennsylvania.
Now, Donald Trump's gonna
tell you he's President,
but don't listen to that lunkhead,
unless he's talking about how
fracking is the wave of the future.
We need to exhibit patience, people.
Like Jill does when I use the blender
and get strawberry guts
all over the ceiling.
I can't believe I lost Arizona.
And here I was,
thinking I turned a corner
with John McCain's ugly pig family.
If I could take back the insults
I threw at Donald Trump
at that White House
Correspondents' Dinner
that led him to run for president
and destroy democracy, I would.
Actually, no, I wouldn't. Fuck that guy.
I'm being told some repo
guys from Deutsche Bank
are pulling up in the driveway,
so if we could just hit the lights
and pretend no one's home...
[LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS, KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[MAN] Hello! I'm here to collect
$400 million worth of stuff!
Shh-shh-shh. Shut up. Shut up.
[ENGINE STARTS, VEHICLE BEEPING]
Okay, I think we're good.
Wow, am I gonna have a nutso
time the next four years
trying to get anything
done while Conservatives
and Progressives both hate my guts.
I'm entering office with
the slimmest of mandates,
a Republican Congress
that claims I'm Castro,
and a heart that's 78 years old,
but the victory's already won.
We made Donald Trump
a one-term president
by replacing him with
a one-term president!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE, HORNS HONKING]
You thought you could
get rid of me, America,
but I'm never going away.
I'm like Freddie Krueger on some
serious anti-inflammatory steroids.
Don't worry. I'm not gonna let
Democrats steal this election.
We're taking this all the
way to the Supreme Court.
I got my justice buddies
watching my back...
nerdy guy, abortion
lady, and my main man,
I wanna say, Bill Kavanaugh.
Assuming he's not black-out drunk
for the next week and a half.
Whoo!
_
_
- _
- Don't worry.
Pennsylvania loves me.
I'm from West Philadelphia,
born and raised.
Oh, wait. That's "Fresh Prince."
[TODD] Biden wins Pennsylvania,
and that's the game...
the baseball game,
the presidential baseball game.
Can anyone give me a lift to Argentina?
♪ Why do we do this to ourselves? ♪
♪ Campaign for two to four years ♪
♪ And give this figurehead
presidency so much weight? ♪
♪ When has putting one
white man in charge ♪
♪ Led to anything other than ♪
♪ Genocide, slavery ♪
♪ Chiquita Banana, and Watergate? ♪
[PELOSI] ♪ Let's be real here, money ♪
♪ We did it for money ♪
♪ And sometimes the power ♪
♪ But mostly the money ♪
♪ I mean, a hundred ♪
♪ $120 million ♪
♪ Is my personal net worth ♪
♪ You think I'd get that as
a Gap sales associate? ♪
♪ I don't think so ♪
♪ And so we'll reach across the aisle ♪
♪ If the hand we're shaking with ♪
♪ Has a check from Monsanto
wrapped up in its fist ♪
♪ We work together to
keep Bill's record clean ♪
♪ And hide that little black
book of Jeffrey Epstein's ♪
♪ Jeffrey ♪
♪ He was a personal friend of mine ♪
♪ They cut him down in his prime ♪
♪ But the power he exploited
with his money in life ♪
♪ Is the American dream
played out before our eyes ♪
♪ Oh, sweet Jesus, call on me ♪
♪ To use the power of your
name to ban refugees ♪
♪ Going back to the dark ages ♪
♪ With the baby cages ♪
♪ Flying 100 miles an hour
through the fascism stages ♪
♪ Obama taught me hope and
change and armored drones ♪
♪ And I hope one day, too,
to pretend to close Guantanamo ♪
Americans are all corrupt
in their own unique ways,
but there's one thing
that unites us all.
♪ Power ♪
♪ Money ♪
♪ America ♪
♪ My fucked ♪
♪ Ho-o-o-o-o-me ♪
T'dee, t'dee, t'dee,
t'dee, t'dee, t'dee!
Ted Cruz, folks!
♪ Donald Trump was the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump was the president ♪
♪ Was Donald Trump the president? ♪
- ♪ Yes, he was ♪
- ♪ Yes, he was ♪
♪ We elected him president ♪
♪ Was Donald Trump the president? ♪
- ♪ Yes, he was ♪
- ♪ For four whole years ♪
♪ Donald Trump was our president ♪
♪ Donald Trump was the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump, he was our president ♪
♪ We made him president ♪
♪ We did that ♪
♪ Donald Trump was the president ♪
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
♪ Donald Trump was the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump was the president ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-ah ♪
Trump!