Our Cartoon President (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 14 - Hiding Joe Biden - full transcript

[PAGE] From the University
of Utah in Salt Lake City.

I'm Susan Page of USA Today.

Welcome to the Vice Presidential debate

which, in a matter of hours,
went from "Who gives a shit?"

to "Holy shit, one of these people

will be President next week".

- Good evening, Senator Harris.
- Thank you, Susan.

As if spending 90 minutes
with Mike Pence

wasn't already a pleasure,
now it might kill me.

And welcome to Vice President Pence,

who has assured us he is COVID-negative.



Is negative the one
where the thermometer

makes the sound of a steam whistle?

Mr. Vice President, keeping in mind

the President is currently
hopped up on more pills

than a 1960s housewife,

do you trust his leadership
in this health crisis?

Of course, as with all our
nation's greatest leaders,

his hands are rattling
like paint mixers.

That's right! Everything's going great!

Ask anyone except Chris Christie,

Kellyanne Conway, Hope
Hicks, Kayleigh McEnany,

three or four Republican senators

[INHALES DEEPLY] Stephen Miller,

my campaign manager,
Rudy Giuliani probably,



and there was one more, uh...

[MELANIA] I hate you!

My wife... right, right, right, right.

Senator Harris, how would you describe

President Trump's response
to the pandemic?

I don't want to insult
a sick man, but I will.

Trump is the dumbest motherfucker

to ever cough up green shit
on the Resolute desk.

Whoo! Get him, Kamala!

Hey, Jill! If you're
gonna trap me in here,

can you at least bring me some
freshly Lysol'd rocky road?

So, Doc, how are my vitals?

Your blood pressure
is a perfect 10, sir.

And your shriveled lungs have twisted

into a gorgeous French braid!

Whatever steroids
you're pumping into me,

don't change a thing.

I haven't felt this euphoric

since the judge gave my first
wife custody of the kids!

Now that there's a
distracting fly on my head,

I think that rioting in the streets

is worse than the death
of innocent black people.

Glad I got to slip that one in!

Upp, I just lost my sense of smell.

Usually I can sniff out my
nearest female blood relative,

and I know for a fact my second cousin's

down the block bleaching her stink ring.

Who the hell am I talking to?

Ladies and gentlemen,
now more than ever,

America needs an administration

that isn't actively
murdering its citizens.

Oh, little miss perfect here

hasn't committed negligent genocide.

I'll take it from here,
Vice Peppermint Patty.

I got a gut full of horse pills,
and I'm ready to rip it!

Yee-haw! [COUGHING]

As long as he goes one minute
before I do, I'll be happy.

Vice President Pence, how do you justify

your running mate licking
the safety partition

like it's a big rock candy?

Wow, look at the President's
healthy, robust tongue.

Go get 'em, Donald!

Lick that thing like
it's my family tree!

That's all the time we have.

Thanks for joining us
and remember to stay

as far away from the sitting
U.S. President as possible.

♪♪

Want to see my birth certificate?

Nah. I'm good.

♪♪

[OBAMA] Ladies and gentlemen,

your next president
and my closest friend...

we both love sports and making
each other's ethnic group

feel more comfortable
with us... Joe Biden!

Speech time! Gonna keep
this one apolitical!

Charm, not change!

And where do you think you're
going with those, Mister?

My sunnies!

You can have your sunnies
after your health care speech.

Millions have been infected
by the Coronavirus

and the only thing you've said
about it is "Bummer, folks".

Can't Obama do all that Obamacare stuff?

Biden-care? No, he don't!

He better if he wants his sunnies.

Well, can I still come out to
my favorite doo-wop record...

The Dungy Brothers?
Set it to groove four.

Groove five has some
very outdated language

- concerning the Irish.
- Give me that.

- No Dungman brothers!
- Dungy.

Whoever they are, they
sound like a bad influence.

Just go out there, say,

"Health care is good and most people

should have it eventually",
and get off the stage.

Good morning, Yawnsville.

I'm Joe Biden and I'm not
allowed to do anything cool,

because some people want me
to give a stupid, boring speech.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

[MAN] This is my first time
outside in seven months!

[DON JR.] Some frickin'
beef dip, manly...

Some awesomely frothed beers...

couple of funny-as-shit napkins...

All that's missing is every
single one of my friends.

Ass!

- Go for Eric!
- Where the heck are you?

It's CNN hate-watch night!

Raincheck, Don!

I'm going to a restaurant tonight

with my wife and kids who love me.

Ivanka's here, too!

- Nice to meet you, Dan!
- It's Don!

I'm your sister!

And everyone's here and
they're all shit-talking you

'cause you're not.

[MUFFLED] Eric and Ivanka suck!

Yeah, they better be on
their way, because they suck.

Sounds cool, Dan, got to go!

[COOPER] Tonight, an interview
with Hunter Biden,

a political son whose family
continues to embrace him

despite his countless personal foibles.

A family that accepts him?

What a loser, right, guys?

You said it, Dan! It's Don!

- Greetings, Anderson. I see you.
- Uh-huh.

Do you think your
father's presidential bid

will be affected by your
history of alcoholism,

cocaine addiction, philandering,
et cetera, et cetera,

and, to be honest, et cetera?

I've replaced my unhealthy
vices with healthy ones...

meditation, sensory deprivation tanks,

sensory overload tanks,
covering myself in pine nuts

until chipmunks form
a blanket on my chest.

Also, I drink 30 Sprite Zeros a day.

How dare he better himself!

Can I have one of your desk candies?

- They'll make you hyper.
- Aww.

Joe, the DNC is kind
of like one big family.

I'm your dad, Pelosi's your mom...

Morgan Stanley, JP Morgan Chase?

Those are your cousins you
have a harmless crush on.

Why are y'all talking soft and nice?

Am I in trouble?

No one's in trouble.

We just know what's best for you,

and you need to take a
little break from the trail.

I don't need a break!

I need you two to get off my back!

That's too bad.

Who will we give this Amtrak ticket to?

A nice leisurely ride on the
Western Starliner, wasted!

How fun!

But won't the rally
miss my inspiring blurts?

You can do all the blurts
you want from your own bunk

in that big, loud choo-choo!

A break, eh? Well, I am kind of tired

of running away from my voting record.

Aw, heck, I call top bunk!

[DON JR.] We need to take
Hunter Biden down, Dad.

This guy named Qua-anon
DM'd me some haunted,

Ghostbusters-ass shit about him.

Let's just say there's a reason

Hunter Biden didn't show up
to the World Trade Center

the day the Challenger blew up.

Hunter's a dead end, Don.

Trail's colder than Melania's
eyes on our honeymoon.

- Zing!
- Why is Jared zinging you

and not me, the Prince of Zing?

Jared's on the COVID-19 task force.

Now leave us alone. We're busy.

You'd rather hang out with lame Jared

instead of helping strong me?

We're not hanging, we're task-forcing!

We are hanging after, though.

This guy's never seen Last Man Standing.

- Whaaaat?
- I like Tim Allen...

[BIDEN] I told Chuck and Nancy
I didn't need a babysitter.

I'm just here to help you
with your Trump stratagem.

Stratagem's duller than
unscented lady's shampoo.

I'm on vacation. I want
to do something fun!

I could regale you with a spooky story

about the old socialist boogeyman

who steals primaries in
the middle of the night.

Or I could do my own thing! Party time!

♪ Havin' some fun on the Amtrak train ♪

Back in the '70s, when
I was anti-abortion,

these bars only cost two horses' dimes!

Hi, trees! Hi!

Hi! Hi!

Drone striiiiiike!

Then in the '80s, when I got quieter

about being
anti-a-woman's-right-to-choose

but was still very much
not digging on it,

they bumped chocolates up to 50 cents!

Hello. Hello.

How do you do?

Yemeni air raid! [LAUGHS]

[DISTORTING] ♪ Havin' some
fun on the Amtrak train ♪

Then in 2001, they were a whole dollar!

And me? No longer against Roe v. Wade!

On paper.

Hi.

Dumb trees don't even talk!

Yow! Need my sunnies.

Pelosi's got 'em.

You won't pillow fight me.

The snack cart lady won't
let me guess her conditioner.

If I wanted a sucky train
ride I'd have taken

the 4:23 Northeast
Regional toward Towson!

[GUILFOYLE] Why don't you just

investigate Hunter Biden yourself?

You work best alone.

Like last night when you threw
that party no one went to

and I had the house to myself?

Even if I became the
ultimate lone wolf detective

with a sick-ass magnifying glass,

I still couldn't dig up any dirt
that would stick to Hunter.

There's always more dirt.

Think about all the horrible
things I don't know about you!

Hm. I am pretty fucked in the nut.

Why, you'd leave me
in a second if you knew

what was going on up in my big old nut.

Ehhh, I'd probably stick it out.

I don't want to spend
my mid-to-late-50s alone.

Thanks, Kimmy Shit. Screw Dad, Eric,

and all of the other non-family
friends I definitely have.

I'll blow the lid off
Hunter Biden myself,

or my name isn't my dad's name, Jr.

[BIDEN] I'm onto you.

You're trying to control me again!

Well, I'm getting off this chooch

and getting back on that rally stage!

Joe, sorry, but you're
not getting off that train.

Every time we hand you a microphone,

you disobey us, you
stray from the party line.

I know what's hip! Police violence?

Send 'em more money!
Health care problems?

Give the police more money!

We're not letting you
speak. And that's final.

When you don't listen, you
lose your rally privileges.

How dare you! I'm Joe
Biden, you can't stop m...

I'm sorry, Pokémon Joe.

But I just can't let you Pokémon Go.

♪♪

A couple of weeks ago, I got a call from

your Presidential guardians,
Nancy and Chuck.

They asked me to keep you off
the trail and on this train.

And don't they always need my help...

destigmatizing my husband,

making my husband more palatable...

Shouldn't us centrists stick together?

The right's gone so far
they're tear-gassing citizens,

the left's gone so far

they're posting about
it on the Internet.

Sorry, Joe, but I'm on Team Hillary,

and the DNC has promised
a big fat donation

to the Clinton Foundation,

finally insuring a bright future

for all four people
in the Clinton Dynasty.

So you're not going anywhere.

Even if I got to water
the toilet flowers?

Not even to water the toilet flowers.

But, Miss Hillary, that violates
the Geneva Convention.

Darned Geneva Convention.

Five minutes to pee. But that's it!

Hey, score one for my aged bladder!

There he is... Hunter freakin' Biden.

Going right into a bar.

I love a stakeout.
Reminds me of the time

I spent a month in a pup tent
behind the Gershwin theater,

hoping to catch this one
munchkin with huge cans

from Wicked take a smoke break.

Stop talking. You're
gonna blow our cover.

And you're spitting
pistachios all over me.

Had pistachios for dinner last night.

Must be a few loose
shells stuck in my craw!

That's the worst sentence
I have ever heard.

Screw it, I'm going inside!

♪♪

- [RECORD SCRATCHES]
- Shit!

This Dungy Brothers record
is gonna blow my cover!

Don Jr.?

You here to break bread, or break noses?

I'm just here to have a freakin' beer.

The fact that we're both
here at the same time

is just a weird Connecticut.

Or maybe it's fate, a
concept I learned about

during my healing journey at Big Sur.

Big Sur? You know my dad?

In a way, we all know everyone.

Pull up a stool.

I imagine we have some
things to talk about.

♪ HEARTWARMING MUSIC ♪

[BIDEN] Stupid Miss Hillary!

Time to make my escape

through the Amtrak plumbing pipes.

- Geronimo!
- [TOILET FLUSHES]

- [THUD]
- Biscuits!

Alright, pretend it's
a Presidential campaign

and just take another two stabs at it!

I'm gonna level with you.

I didn't have to water
the toilet flowers.

Face it, Joe, you're
not getting out of here

while I'm babysitter.

I babysat Bill Clinton so diligently,

people hate me more than they hate him!

Is that how you want to spend
your golden years, Hillary?

Babysitting for the DNC?

What else would I do?

Run for President? Should I?

I've been brainstorming
a few logos on my arm.

Unless you want to be
President of the train,

you're in the wrong spot!

Ever consider Chuck and
Nancy put you on this train

to keep you hidden, just like me?

Why would they do that?

I'm the lifeblood of
the Democratic party.

Ask John Podesta!

All I'm saying is, I don't know
who created Pokémon Go...

I'm listening...

... but the DNC is treating
you like a Pokémon Schmo.

My God, Joe.

Chuck and Nancy locked her
up, and the "her" is me!

So by drinking 30 Sprite Zeros a day,

you took full control over
your mind, body, and ass?

I still have dark moments.

Last year I picked a fight
with a strip club bouncer

to get my face messed up enough

to score some painkillers at the ER.

But mostly, I've achieved peace.

Bartender! This Sprite Zero's
all wet on the sides.

My hand is ruined!

You hate it when drinks
are wet on the side, too?

- Yeah.
- And you yell at struggling

- food industry workers about it?
- Yeah.

It was a bet, it was a bet,
it was a big stupid bet!

- What?
- I mean, I was trying to dig up

dirt on you, but once I saw your dirt,

it was like I was looking
into a dirt mirror!

Your. Dad. Wears. A.
Flag. Pin. Like. Miiiiiine!

Let it out, Don.

Tears are the body's
way of letting you cry.

This is it, Joe.

Time to stop just chillin'
in Cedar Rapids,

and start jumpin' into those
actual raging rapids below.

That's a long way down, Miss Hillary.

Maybe we should call
Obama, double-check this

is the right thing to do.

You don't need Obama, Joe!

- Remember Will and Grace?
- You mean Gay Cheers?

If you had listened to Obama,
there'd be no gay marriage,

which wouldn't be the
worst thing in the world.

- But you made it a reality.
- Inspiring!

Say, what other good things have I done?

Well, there's that time you, uh...

Geronimo!

Hey, wait for me!

Joe Biden Joe!

And that's the full extent
of my father's involvement

with Burisma Holdings.

Wow, I can't believe
you told me all that,

considering our dads are
competing to vacantly nod

at generals for four years.

You won't betray my trust.

We're cut from the same

North Face indoor camping blanket.

I suppose I should open up, too.

Back when I was a kid
and TiVo first came out,

I used to pause the television

on this one Chex cereal commercial.

The mother in it was so
beautiful and friendly,

I practiced my first
kiss on that screen.

But my saliva mixed with
the static of the television

and I got shocked and went
into a coma for like a week!

Doctors said I'd never
wake up, but then one day,

the Chex cereal commercial
came on the hospital TV.

I shot right up and
yelled "Mommy girlfriend!"

TiVo came out in 1999.

You would've been what, like 22?

Maybe we got it early.

Anyway, please don't tell anybody.

I will keep your secrets
close to my heart,

like I used to with
small baggies of cocaine

or perhaps crack.

Your hands are really soft!

[EAGLE SCREECHES]

Well, if the sun is north
and the ground is south,

we should be able to
hit the rally by noon!

[HILLARY] I... feel... great!

Miss Hillary, you okay?

I think I might've gotten sniped...

Bosnians in the hills.

I'll carry you. My body is weak,

but my inability to assess
my own limitations is strong!

Leave me, Joe.

This journey is your own.

Here, take this!

- Hot sauce. Tell your black supporters...
- _

I had it on me when I gracefully
exited this mortal campaign.

Racial pandering till your last breath.

I will tell your story, Hillary!

And I'll make sure to
brush over Benghazi!

[TIM ALLEN] I guess that makes
me the last man standing!

- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- It's so true.

He tells it like it is
for us millionaires

pretending to be normal
people on camera.

Well, chim-cheerio, I did it!

I got the dirt none of you
could get on Hunter Biden!

- Chim-cheerio.
- Nooo! Dish!

Sorry, Dad, but the "dish" is
cold and I will not serve it.

Because he's my friend.

You don't have "friends".

Yes, I do!

We even trade the
same crude oil futures.

Just tell us what he did or leave!

Sorry that you two can't
relate to having a real friend

who isn't secretly
wearing a wire, but I do.

And I'll never rat out
Hunter for political gain.

[COOPER] And here to rat out
Don Jr. for political gain,

- Hunter Biden!
- [ALL GRUNT IN SURPRISE]

Oh, God...

So thirsty...

Folks... Come on...

Water... Water...

[GASPS] The hot-sauce!

Hot!

I know... sand!

Nature's water!

[COUGHS]

Aw, maybe I do need Chuck and Nancy.

[RENTAL CAR WORKER] Hello. Rent-a-car.

Hey, folks, I need a
Lincoln Town Car motorcade

at the corner of... cactus and rock.

Sorry, we don't do
motorcades at this Hertz.

We have a PT Cruiser that
smells like a nursing home.

- Whatever!
- Credit card number?

Hey, Jill, tell them our card number.

Jill? Aw, crap.

What if I told you I'm the former

Vice President of the United States.

Yeah, call me when you're president.

[LINE CLICKS]

Let me get this straight...

Don Jr. kissed his television so hard

that he electrocuted
himself into a coma?

- That is correct.
- Harrowing.

And now I'm getting word that

known television molester Don Jr.

is calling into the show.

[DON JR., CRYING] You promised me!

Urinal! Wet on side of drink!

It sounds like the son of the President

is flooding his receiver
with tears and spittle.

Only a man guilty of
molesting his television

would cry out so hysterically.

I didn't molest the TiVo!

Don, drink 30 Sprite
Zeros and calm down.

I can be calm.

Because I also have secrets.

That's right, Hunter
told me the nasty truth

about his dealings
with Burisma Holdings!

No. Stop. Don't.

In 2015, Joe and Hunter Biden
returned to Isla Nublar,

where the previously
destroyed Dino theme park

had been rebuilt for people's amusement!

This sounds a lot like the
plot of Jurassic World.

Hunter, what do you have
to say to these accusations

that you and your father visited
the Dino-island of Isla Nublar?

Clearly a pathetic lie
to try and undermine

my family's spotless political record.

But that's what you told me!

Why would you say this if not true!

Hunter, while I question
the morality of your past...

the secret baby, your use of the term

"day drinking" to justify
cracking a Michelob

spiked with LSD during Easter Mass...

I can see you have reformed.

Say, would you like to come to
Under The Tuscan Sun movie night

with me, Halsey, and Adam Rippon?

I want to go under the sun!

[SCHUMER] You lost Joe Biden?

I let him go.

It's high time someone
stood up to you two.

I knew we shouldn't have put you
two on the scenic desert train.

That's just great.

The oldest candidate for President

in our nation's history
wandering around the Mojave,

justifying cutting social
security to the wind.

Face it, you need him
as much as he needs you.

We just need him healthy enough

to put his hand on
a bible and say "I do"

before we hand full
power over to Kamala!

This the last time we
ask you to babysit for us.

You can kiss that $400,000 tip

to your Clinton Foundation goodbye!

[GASPS] But that was earmarked
for Ghislaine Maxwell's bail!

♪ The Irish ♪

[BIDEN] Dungy Brothers?

Chuck... Nancy...

talking points...

help!

♪♪

[DON JR.] I finally
had a friend in Hunter,

but then he betrayed me.

Wow, that sucks.

You want to go in the bathroom
and cry by yourself?

That's very sweet of you, but
I can't be alone right now.

- Hey, K-Kimberly?
- Ugh.

Do you want to become friends?

What would that involve?
Transactional sex?

We would share secrets. I'll start.

A few years ago in Midtown,
after meeting Russian oligarchs

about derailing Hillary's campaign...

Wow, that is bad!

No, that's not the secret.

I saw a ad for a beautiful lady
lawyer on the side of a bus.

I went to kiss her,
but before I knew it,

I was getting dragged along
42nd Street by my tight whites.

And the matinees had just let out,

so the entire audience

of Dear Evan Hansen: The Musical
saw my underwear.

Which were not all white!

Ohh. What a weight off my chest.

Been thinking about
that one for a while.

- Now you go.
- Okay, I'll go.

To Gavin Newsom's house for the weekend.

Who needs her, right, guys?

Kind of busy tonight. Raincheck.

Ugh! Fine, text me later!

I'm Jake Tapper.

A search party has recovered
Joe Biden's unconscious body

from an undisclosed desert location,

after the Vice President

reportedly jumped off an Amtrak train

with former Secretary
of State Hillary Clinton.

Joe Biden has been transferred
to Walter Reed Hospital,

where his every need
is being taken care of.

I just wanted to be my own man.

But now I got all these other
men doing everything for me,

including this male nurse!

Mr. Nurse, can you turn up the TV?

[MR. NURSE] Sure, you big baby,
I'll turn up your baby show.

Just 'cause I'm eating soft foods

and drinking medicated
formula from a sippy cup

doesn't mean I'm a baby.

Aw, goo-goo, God damn it, I am a baby!

♪♪

Who needs friends anyhow.

Some lifelong alone time
would be a nice change of pace!

Hey, I'm here.

Rudy, you don't count, and
I know that you know that.

Yeah, I know.

So Hunter betrayed your trust
and ruined your reputation.

Doesn't mean he can't be your friend.

That seems messed up even to me,

and I spent most of 2018 on Twitter

doxxing Parkland survivors.

It is messed up!

Your father's stabbed me
in the back so many times

I've got more stitches
than mole clusters.

But he's your best friend.

Best political friend.

I love your dad, and he tolerates me,

but at the end of the day,
we'd both sell each other out

for a Lithuanian go-go dancer

and a plate of ice-cold cheese fries.

Political friendship built on
lies, distrust, and betrayal?

I could try that!

Let me be clear, here
comes the Amtrak train!

- Choo-choo!
- Thanks, Barack.

How'd you find me, anyhow?

Drones aren't just for Yemeni weddings.

Aww, that's sweet.

Joe, the DNC is like a family,

and I'm the wise grandfather
you only see on Christmas.

Except this campaign's been so messy,

I've been having to
step in almost every day!

I'm sorry, Barack.

I know I should listen
to Chuck and Nancy,

but I also want to listen
to the Dungy Brothers

and sniff ladies' necks.

What you need, Joe, is compromise...

when everybody agrees to do
something and nobody's happy.

It's the foundation of
our two-party system.

Like how the South
had to give up slavery,

but kept the right
to fly parachute-sized

confederate flags and
signal they miss slavery!

Not the most encouraging example,

but yes, that's the idea.

I suppose I can reach a compromise

with Mommy Chuck and Daddy Nancy.

And you can.

They're waiting out in the
car, and they're worried sick.

[PELOSI] You buckled up back there?

Yes, Miss Nancy.

You know, we were
really worried about you.

I know.

Sometimes it might
seem like we don't care,

but really we just want what's best

for our little future President.

I'm sorry, too.

Couple hours without you guys,

and I almost died in the desert

without even getting to meet Barbarella!

Hey, before we shut you in your basement

for the rest of the year,
why don't we stop

and get you some ice cream
at one of your rallies?

Ice cream? Rally? Will
Miss Hillary be there?

As long as you hit your talking points!

Yay! Ice cream! Miss Hillary!

[THINKING] Dear Hunter,
just because our dads

are politically opposed
in every possible sense

except the military, police,
and health care system

doesn't mean that we
can't still be friends.

In Washington, friends and enemies

are pretty much the
same-ass thing anyway.

If you're free tonight, turn on Hannity.

You might see a familiar face.

And yoga rehab? Is Hunter Biden serious?

That's not even manly.

Ever heard of eating burgers?

Get this... he drinks Sprite Zero!

Zero calories. Zero
chance of getting laid.

Sorry, ex-husband
Gavin Newsom. It's over.

Also, the night his
divorce was finalized,

he went straight to a strip
club as a final "fuck you!"

to his wife of 24 years.

Ha... Whoa, that's actually pretty sad.

And I'm getting word that
Hunter Biden is calling in!

You're on the air, Burisma Boy.

I just want to say what
Don Jr. is saying is not true,

but how he's saying it is pretty cool.

Go eat a burger, soy-man.

Go trim your beard, daddy's boy.

Triggered much? [CHUCKLES]

Okay guys, this patty-cake energy

is not matching the combative language.

Cut to a home security ad!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

So before we get this party started,

it's important to the Democratic party,

especially my guardian
angels, Chuck and Nancy,

that I say this...

Give 'em hell, Joe!

Health care is good.

Most people should have it eventually.

The perfect speech!

And now, in an act of solidarity,

I'd like to invite my best friend

Miss Hillary to say a few words.

Thank you, Joe.

I'd like to take this
hot Mic opportunity

to announce my candidacy for President

- in 202...
- Uhh, hey, Joe.

How's about some "Dungy" Brothers?

You've earned it!

- [CROWD GASPS]
- My eyes!

I love this song!

♪ Ooh-boo-boo-boo-boo,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

Look at him, dancing to
slur-filled doo-wop music

that only exists in his mind.

If this doesn't inspire
young voters, fuck 'em.

I agree, Nancy. Fuck 'em!

♪ And Seamus and... ♪

♪ The Irish ♪

♪ Seamus and Colin ♪

♪ And Patrick and Sam ♪

♪ The Irish ♪

♪♪

♪ Big beet-red faces ♪

♪ Glowing in the night ♪

♪ The Irish ♪

♪ The Irish ♪

♪ The Irish ♪

♪ The Irish ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ The Irish ♪