Our Cartoon President (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 13 - Episode #3.13 - full transcript
- Welcome to tonight's
- _
presidential debate in Cleveland, Ohio.
I'm Chris Wallace, and
it used to be an honor
to moderate these things.
Tonight's event should go smoothly
as long as the candidates resist
the urge to constantly inter...
Excuse me, but what has
Joe Biden done in 47 years?
In just 47 months,
I've made this country
completely unrecognizable.
Right now, this country is dog shit.
But I can make it better,
like one of them cute
little bunny turds.
Mr. President, do you
believe your response
to the coronavirus pandemic
has been adequate.
Look, we've got 200,000
dead, which is way less
than I would have predicted
back in January
when I knew it was coming
but didn't say anything.
Way back in January,
I would've delivered
this clear message to
the American people...
Watch out, buccos!
We got a bug headed our way!
So, hunker down in the root cellar
with your best gal
till Fauci says "Ta-da!"
If you'd have been president,
two million people would have died,
we would have lost the space race,
and Kerri Strug wouldn't have landed
her Olympic gold-winning vault.
- Moving on, the next...
- No! No! I'm still talking!
- The next question is for...
- La-la-la-la-la!
- Mr... President Trump...
- La-la-la-la-la!
Will you shut up, man?
Usually when I'm this bewildered,
I figure it's me losing
cognitive function.
Mr. President are you willing to
condemn white supremacist groups
and tell them to stand down?
How can I say this in the
least horrifying way possible?
Stand back and stand by.
I mean, await my instructions.
I mean, ammo's on sale.
I mean, our righteous war is nigh!
You know what? I'm just
gonna give you both the chance
to shout incoherently
for the next 10 seconds.
Very good.
Mr. President, how do you respond
to The New York Times
report that you've paid virtually
no income tax over the last decade.
At least I didn't get
my idiot kid a job,
even though they have
no expertise in anything.
You tell 'em, Daddy!
Do you both agree to accept
the results of the election?
The fact that you're even
asking me that question
makes me feel like I've got options.
Whatever I do,
- it's on you, Chrissy.
- Fair's fair.
Winner gives the loser
a consolation neck rub!
Could I just take a moment
to address the folks at home?
Well, actually, no. We're out of time...
America, honey, I have a confession.
The only reason I asked to
go steady as your president
was because I was busted-ass broke.
But over the last four
years, I've changed.
I've fallen madly in love
with you and your bewitching emoluments.
So, what do you say?
Will you take me back and bail me out
of my $421 million debt?
Please! You gotta help me!
I'm drowning!
Yo, Trumpy! What's good?!
Ah! Hi! Hey, Putin.
I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Relax. What are they gonna
do, impeach you again?
So, look, I'm here to collect payment
for all that off-the-books funny money.
You know what? Just take Air Force One.
- It's parked out back.
- Alright!
See you in two weeks
for the next installment.
And hey, stop talking over Biden.
It sounds like you're projecting
your feelings of guilt onto him
in a desperate attempt
to avoid introspection.
I'm not a typical voter,
but, uh, I-I was turned off.
That's all the time we have.
I'm Chris Wallace, and I can't tell you
who to vote for, but come on.
Just smile and nod till 2028, Kamala.
We now return our 60-year-old viewers
to 60 Minutes.
Your selection as Biden's
VP has resuscitated
his nearly embalmed campaign.
And there's even talk of you becoming
the first woman president in 2024.
The race isn't finished, but
you deserve a victory lap.
It's an honor to be on the ticket
- with Vice President Bid...
- Victory lap over.
How can you excuse the many accusations
- of sexual misconduct against Biden?
- Great question.
Another great question is,
how can we excuse the complete disregard
for reproductive rights in this country?
My answer to the second question
and only the second
one is, we shouldn't.
Nice pivot to one of your pet issues,
reproductive rights.
What about Biden's pet issue
of classifying bongs as assault weapons
with his 1994 crime bill?
Oh, 1994! Peak grunge era.
As long as you're bringing
up the Seattle music scene,
I was against oil pipelines
in the Pacific Northwest.
Why does she keep dodging?
Is it so hard to defend
the indefensible?
It's like Biden's a hand grenade
she refuses to jump on
for fear of getting her
own guts on her blouse.
How do you expect voters
to forgive Biden's missteps
when even his VP won't defend them?
Joe Biden has a vast,
storied record in government,
and if anyone challenges
his record's vastness
or its storied-ness,
they'll be hearing from me.
Ah, Christ.
And unfortunately...
Don't know why she's even trying.
God clearly wants me in
that Vice President's office.
Political analysts can't find any other
earthly explanation for
how I ended up there.
I'm worried about you being
on that stage with her.
Can you debate with your eyes averted?
I'll have to try.
Otherwise, I'd defy my marital vow
to never willingly behold another woman.
How did I luck out
with such a fanatically faithful hubby?
Ooh! I almost forgot about dessert.
Just let me put some skin
on the skinless grapes.
What's your strategy
for the upcoming VP debate?
If Mike Pence wants to keep his job,
he is probably hard at work right now,
studying every intimate
detail about you.
Where is everybody?
You said this was a barbecue
celebrating me joining the ticket.
Guess we're the only ones aware
that you've joined the ticket
due to your stubborn refusal
to defend Joe's record.
Is it so hard to say, "I, too,
would have humiliated
Anita Hill on that national stage"?
Tomorrow's joint-rally with Joe
would be a great chance
for you to endorse
his every indiscretion
and policy failure!
Whaddaya say?
Didn't you want a VP
voters felt comfortable
screen-printing onto
an empowering tote bag?
Wrong. We wanted someone
to be ground meat
we could feed to the press.
Just like these delicious
Kobe beef burgers
I found in my $27,000 Kobe beef fridge.
Now can you please just
throw yourself on the fire
and let CNN douse you in ketchup?
If a truant third-grader
can defend himself,
so can Joe. Enjoy your burgers.
Oh, I could never eat these!
At our age, our colons
can't handle anything
that hasn't first been run
through a garbage disposal.
Dear Lord, I know you would never ask me
to put politics before my religion's
very niche interpretation
of holy matrimony.
And I know you'll secure
a Trump election victory,
so it doesn't even matter
how the debate goes, right?
You sure about that,
Vice President Pence?
- God?!
- I wish.
I'm a vision in white robes.
Word on the street is, if
you mess up this debate,
Trump's gonna replace
you with Nikki Haley.
Probably just a rumor, though.
- I need to win that debate
- _
so I remain Vice President
and keep the one true
God in the White House.
But would Karen ever forgive me
for studying another woman?
We won't even listen to
Laura Ingraham's radio show
without our pastor present.
If you wanna a glimpse
of me in that white robe,
I think we're both
overdue for a spa day.
We gotta get things
back to normal times,
when you could call a lady "honey"
and her Black boyfriend "brother"
and the cop wailing on him "buddy".
Once that happens, climate change
is a piece of cake.
Next question?
This is a question
for your running mate.
Do you defend Biden's history
of misconduct toward women?
I don't think this is a time to speak,
but rather a time to listen
to Joe defend himself.
Thanks, Hon.
I've searched my soul
for a very long time
for a way to communicate
my deeply held feelings
about this situation, And I can't think
of a better way to respond
than with a few limericks.
There once was a blonde
chick named Tits...
You're not making this
easy on us!
_
God damn it, George, you dumb asshole.
I told you I couldn't
pick up the dry cleaning
because that freak Mike
Pence asked me to join him
for some weird secret meeting.
Yeah, I'll be home for dinner, stupid.
Love you, shitface. Alright.
What the hell are we doing here?
I thought you weren't allowed
to share airspace with
a set of lady lungs.
Don't worry. To atone,
I swallowed a hammer.
You and George don't approve
of each other's activities.
How do you make it work?
We practice unrelenting honesty.
Every night, we shout how disappointed
we are with each other
while taking turns spitting
- on our wedding photo.
- Oh, dear.
Then we take my lipstick
and write the names
of the people we wish we'd married
all over each other's underwear.
I'd run if I wasn't passing a hammer.
Until, finally, we channel
all of our resentment
into a pre-dinner nude
Jacuzzi splash-fight.
Thank you, Kellyanne.
I'll do my best to prep for that debate,
but you've convinced me
that Karen can never find out
or our marriage is ruined, or worse,
it will become like yours.
What do you want now,
George, you dumb asshole?
I could eat Chinese,
sure. Okay. Bye-bye.
I hope a grizzly rips your dick off.
A president can be as
problematic as he wants...
They'll still build a memorial to him.
Jefferson was a vice president first.
Just like Joe, and maybe just like you,
if everyone plays their cards right.
You know, I don't get why Jefferson's
standing up in his memorial.
On your feet all that time.
Oh! I'd rather sit.
Did Jefferson have to
go onto Anderson Cooper
and defend John Adams
for plagiarizing George Washington?
Every candidate needs
a shield. Joe was mine.
He let white people who
make citizens' arrests
of black UPS drivers feel
okay about voting for me.
Now, Joe needs his own shield.
'Course, there's a lotta fatties
climbing up on Lincoln's lap.
That's gotta hurt.
But some of 'em,
they're just fat enough,
if you get my drift.
There's just so much to defend.
The other day he called
for-profit prisons
"cha-ching jails".
That's something we only say in private!
Look, Joe is the most vulnerable
Democratic candidate
since we all found out how
John Kerry comes off on camera.
But if you want to be
the first female VP,
you're gonna have to
defend him to anyone
who's ever looked up his voting record.
Alright. I'll do it.
I'll defend Joe Biden so hard,
people won't have to take a shower
after leaving the voting booth.
Laying down on my stomach,
chin in my hands, giving a wink.
- Now that's a memorial.
- Fine, a quick shower.
But they won't have to
scrub with steel wool.
Is there any way you could
find the time to help me?
Chuck and Nancy said when it comes
to defending an indefensible man,
you're the monster... master, sorry.
Me? Insert myself into
the presidential race?
Why, I'd have to be
desperate for relevance
- to do such a thing.
- You're right.
- It was dumb of me to...
- That was a yes.
If you're gonna pull this off,
you'll have to do the three C's.
Compassion, condemnation, conviction.
First, you'll compassionately
forgive Joe for his mistakes,
letting voters know that
if you can excuse him,
- surely they can.
- Wow.
I could've used you
during my shit-show
of a primary campaign.
Always happy to help
another promising woman in politics
find just the right part of a bus
to throw herself under.
Welcome to Meet The Press.
I'm Chuck Todd, and I
am press to meet you.
I think that worked.
Today, in a move that some might
call "journalistically iffy",
we're turning our entire show
over to the Democratic VP candidate,
so she can forgive Joe Biden
for all of his past mistakes.
Meanwhile, I'm going to try grape juice
for the first time.
Wow! Hmm, yummy.
First up, voting for the Iraq War.
A bad call, but, Joe Biden,
I forgive you.
Next, trying to cut social security.
Forgive! This is easier than I thought!
Voting against gay marriage
in the '90s, school bussing,
Helping private prisons
expand faster than 7-Elevens.
That one was good actually.
Ugh! Look!
Look, it used to be okay
to run your fingers
through your secretary's hair
like a kid racing through a wheat field.
I... I for...
forgive...
Let's take a look at our
Forgiveness Thermometer.
Just past the halfway point!
And if you want to forgive
Joe Biden yourself,
our operators are standing by!
Are you sure this is
the best place for me
to study Biden's female running mate
without Karen knowing?
I do all my extramarital "studies" here,
if you catch my really gross meaning.
I checked you in under my regular alias,
Randall Giuliani, so you
should get the discount.
But I keep the rewards
points, got it? I gotta go.
My third cousin's at the
Super 8 across the highway.
Happy squeaking. Never forget.
Hi, Karen.
I have to work late tonight.
We're doing... work things. Normal work.
Now don't make up
stories to me, Michael.
I know you're planning a big surprise
for our anniversary.
Can you believe 10 years ago this week
was the first time we bought
raisins by the pound together?!
Can't hide anything from you, can I?
Don't wait up.
Lord, absolve me for what
I'm about to learn about my opponent.
Interned as a mailroom clerk
for Senator Alan Cranston! Aah!
I need a 24-hour hardware store
that will sell me a bushel
of ball-peen hammers.
You've done the compassion,
but get ready to feel
like you can't go on
because it's condemnation time!
I thought voters would be glad
to have someone forgive Biden for them.
You let Joe off the hook,
so now they need to
put you on that hook.
Bill stopped being asked about Monica
before he even left office.
But three hours of my Benghazi hearing
focused on why I didn't kick him out.
_
Everybody leave her alone for a second!
I just want to say that
this is the first time
I've ever been glad that my father died,
so he didn't have to be alive
to see you forgive his good friend, Joe.
Co-sponsored Green New Deal resolution.
Karen loves the color green.
It really brings out her scalp part.
Darn it. I forgot what Kamala did.
Every time I memorize
something about her,
a fact about Karen
shoves it out of my head.
It's the middle of the night,
and I haven't made any progress.
It's no use.
That's Karen's rutabaga patch!
Karen's spade!
Karen's gardening clogs!
Wait, Karen's clogs are a dull brown.
What the...
Hammers! Give me hammers!
My ear is still ringing
from Meghan McCain
holding me down and sobbing into it.
It's like she's trapped in there.
Best to just pop the
eardrum and set her free,
or she'll never have any peace.
Now it's time for the final step...
conviction, your specialty!
You need to accept responsibility
for everything Joe has done
and be convicted in the public eye
for his misdeeds.
Who would believe I'm responsible
for Joe Biden's mistakes?
The whole damn country?
I've been shouldering
Bill's blame for years.
From Vince Foster to Jeffrey Epstein,
everyone assumes I'm always the one
giving the kill order.
Hello!
We have a chore wheel.
- I'm Wolf Blitzer,
- _
and I've never played a round of poker,
where I didn't fold.
Breaking news... Senator Harris
has officially accepted responsibility
for everything Joe Biden
has ever done wrong,
including the stuff that happened
when she was still in Girl Scouts.
We go live to the Senate floor
where an emergency session
of Congress has been called.
Though we had to put the latest
coronavirus relief bill on hold,
you can now see it was
for a very good reason.
We've passed an official
congressional censure of Senator Harris
for all of Joe Biden's missteps.
It took a lot for Kamala to come forward
and wipe Joe Biden's record clean.
She won't be cozying up to
all those credit card companies
Biden cozied up to anymore!
She did it!
As the first female vice president,
I will fight climate change by
planting a chrysanthemum bush
in every truck stop glory hole.
Now rebut me. Tear me to shreds.
Senator Harris fails to
mention she was, uh...
She supports, uh...
- Karen likes chrysanthemums.
- Focus, Mike!
Our nation's glory holes
are in imminent danger!
Darn it! I just feel so
guilty studying details
of a woman other than my wife.
How will I make it through this debate?
When you think of Kamala,
replace her face with your wife's.
All politics boils down
to face-swapping women.
Just like our TV trick!
Quick! Ask me where
she went to law school!
Where'd the broad go to law school?
That bastion of godlessness and sin,
the University of California.
It's working!
Did you see those polls today?
Looks like having your record
pinned on somebody else
can really give the old
campaign some rocket fuel!
Listen to them cheering.
I've really pulled it off!
People are so ready to
blame me for Joe's mistakes,
my Wikipedia page now
includes an entry titled
- Failed 1988 Presidential Bid.
- Oh, yeah.
Once they find out
you'll take the blame,
they back it up by the U-haul,
morning, noon, and night.
I couldn't have done it without you.
It feels so good for women in politics
to stick together like this.
They say that behind every great man
is a great woman,
and behind every flawed man
is a woman who deserves most,
if not all, of the blame.
My running mate took that blame,
and I owe her a lotta credit.
So let her hear it, folks.
How could she get
Hunter that job in Ukraine?
- Wait. They're booing me?
- You'll get used to it.
I'll give you the number for my guy
who makes industrial-grade
white noise machines.
I keep one in my car
for when someone spots
me at a red light.
That's our girl.
Booooooo!
The help auto industry,
I'm going to make cars
look more like Wonder Woman!
You tried to make car companies
meet modest emissions standards!
- Have you no decency, ma'am?
- You did it!
You're keeping that broad in focus,
even though she's not Karen!
Couldn't have done it
without your help, Rudy.
Your impression is uncanny!
- Michael!
- Oh, jeez!
Your wife! I better...
I better make tracks.
I'm not a woman, Mrs.
Pence. It's me... Rudy.
I can explain, Kamala. I mean, Karen!
Oh, rotten rutabaga!
You really came through
for the campaign.
We can finally get down to business now
that we don't have to spend every day
finding new ways to smear Tara Reade.
You put party before yourself,
- and we owe you one.
- Big time!
Now that Joe no longer needs defending,
maybe I can resume pushing the issues
I care about, like reproductive rights.
Speaking of defending,
seems like you're the one
who needs all the defending these days.
What, with the way you
railroaded Anita Hill.
That Iraq War vote is
really hard to swallow.
You're just too toxic
with voters right now.
We need you to lay low while
we consider other alternatives.
But I even said there
are very fine people
on both sides of the bussing issue,
and I was bussed!
And the party thanks you.
We want to focus-group
someone less problematic
to fill the VP spot.
And now that he's out of prison,
Anthony Weiner is ready to run again!
We just want to bring
him to some events,
see how people like him.
A lot of Americans can
relate to that ankle bracelet.
I know how it looks, Karen.
But the Lord wants me
to win that debate,
and this collage is the only
way I could study Kamala...
I mean, my opponent.
Michael Pence, you made a vow
that I would be the
only woman in your life.
And now you miss our
raisins-by-the-pound anniversary
for some afternoon delight
with Rudy Giuliani's
transformative portrayal
of another woman?
Nothing's more important than our vows,
but this debate is important, too.
Maybe we could find a way to
make some room in our marriage?
Perhaps we can add my
studies of the VP as,
you know, like a third?
My study collage!
Karen, no!
I gave you my expert advice,
and now you're angry at me?
What are you... my Wisconsin
campaign volunteers
after I told them to
sit the election out?
I thought you were giving me advice
because you wanted to help
another woman in politics.
And I thought you understood
how this works.
There's no upside for us.
Whether we run on our own
record or someone else's,
women are destroyed in the
media while powerful men
steal the hot sauce
right out of our bags.
I should have never listened to you.
You've never even won your campaigns.
At least I didn't run out
of money before January!
Even Andrew Yang outlasted you!
Now that's Pokemon Sad.
When Joe asked me to join
him on the campaign trail,
I said yes on the condition
that we use our platform
to push an issue that
has long been ignored.
Today, Joe's making
good on that promise,
as we open the doors on
a Women's Health Center.
Do the honors, Anthony.
My probation officer
won't let me possess
anything that could be
considered a weapon.
Hey, wait a minute,
I thought reproductive rights
was one of Kamala's pet issues.
The only pet issue Anthony Weiner has
is wider-angle phone cameras
for easier junk selfies!
It robs the act of all eroticism
when I have to use a selfie stick!
Who is this jackass speaking?
It's that woman who said
Roe v. Wade went too far
back in 1973!
Boo!
Hey, Kamala! Nice hat!
Booooo!
You really fouled up this time, Mike.
Now y-your marriage is over,
and you can't even study
for the debate anymore.
Breaking news... Nikki Haley was seen
leaving the Oval Office today.
Looks like Mike Pence needs a rare show
of basic competence at that debate
if he wants to hang onto his job.
This is no time for a
raisin bender, Michael.
God? Is that really you?
Yes, I am definitely God and
not just an imaginary friend
you conjured during a raisin overdose.
Michael, I lifted you to this position
to carry out my will,
which is the reelection
of TV's Donald Trump.
When the time comes,
I trust you will know what to do.
No, if you leave it to me, I
always do the stupidest thing!
I need short, clear instructions.
If it involves mixed fiber garments,
tell me so I can go to the Old Navy.
Please, God.
See you on the slopes, Michael.
So much for me being
the first Black woman VP now.
Are you kidding?
Now that you've got
Joe's stink all over you,
party leaders are ready to pull a Biden
and bury their nose in your hair.
Then why are they testing a candidate
whose sex crimes
resulted in the election
of Bill de Blasio?
Ah, they're just being careful.
They were worried
about me at first, too,
until they smeared Joe all over me,
and then they felt a lot better.
I thought Joe shielded you
from voters hesitant
about a black president.
And from party leaders
hesitant about someone
who hasn't taken a vacation
paid for by Raytheon.
When you took on Joe's record,
you won the establishment,
because Joe is like the whole
frustrating, compromised party
- poured into one loud guy.
- Doy!
But the establishment
won't keep me on the ticket
if voters are booing everywhere I go.
Word is, Anthony Weiner's on the outs
after he air-dropped dick pics
to every client at his
women's health center.
Win voters over at that debate
so they stop booing you,
and your VP slot's locked down.
You're right.
It doesn't matter what record we run on.
This time, help me take
the blame for myself.
You're in luck.
I happen to have a half-dozen binders
of oppo research on you.
Just a hobby of mine.
Has nothing to do with
me running in 2024.
Welcome to the 2020
Vice Presidential Debate
at the University of
Utah in Salt Lake City.
I'm Susan Page of USA Today,
the paper of choice for
stuffing your summer shoes
so they keep their shape through winter.
Let's get right to it.
The first question
is for Senator Harris.
Fun having audiences again.
Senator Harris, voters
turned against you
after you took responsibility
for your running mate's spotty record.
Has your opinion of your
running mate changed?
My running mate is a wildly flawed,
utter mess of a candidate
with enough red flags
to look like a Lexus dealership
during a December-to-Remember sale.
That running mate
sounds like a real
bucket of gopher spit!
What the hell is she doing?
Message Weiner on his OnlyFans
and tell him the VP spot is his.
I'm out of bitcoin!
But I am not perfect either, Susan.
Wait. Let's give her a chance.
I've been kicked out
of numerous book clubs
for not doing the reading.
The inside of my car is super gross.
And I destroyed families
putting single moms in prison
for not getting their kids
to homeroom on time.
Holy crap. We could
have just let her run
on her own record the whole time.
There's more than enough
there to take the heat off Joe.
That woman's a damn mess!
Joe Biden is the Democratic party,
and our party makes mistakes,
terrible mistakes that we don't correct
until we're absolutely sure
it won't lose us votes in the suburbs.
I've made some of those mistakes myself.
You're all waiting to boo me,
but when you do, boo
me for my own record.
It is long overdue for
women to be despised
for their own flaws,
not for the flaws of the nearest man.
Oh, my god. She did it!
None of her flaws better rub off on me!
We need to throw her
a barbecue, for real.
And issue a press release praising Joe
for seeing the good in such a monster.
Vice President Pence, your rebuttal?
Last chance, Lord, tell me what to do,
or I'll do something really dumb.
Mr. Vice President, I'll remind you
that you are mic'd and very audible.
Okay. You asked for it.
My wife Karen is the most
wonderful woman in the world!
She's named all the squirrels
in our neighborhood
after characters from the Bible.
Instead of wasting money on underwear,
she sews mine out of old corn stalks.
Her toes are all fused together
into a gorgeous flesh wedge.
Karen snores in a beautiful baritone
that sounds like a train
coming into town.
I am married to my wife, Karen.
And you, Senator, are no my-wife-Karen!
Senator Harris, any response?
To him saying I'm not his wife?
No, I think I'm good. The fuck was that?
Also, God spoke to me last night
when I was wasted on raisins,
and he endorses Trump!
Though Pence turned in a
bewildering, inept performance,
polls show he locked down
the evangelical vote
by celebrating his vow of marriage
rather than debating a
prideful woman... smart.
Mentioning God's endorsement
of Trump helped, too.
That's a big get.
Looks like Pence still has a job
if Trump wins a second term.
That was the best anniversary present
I could have asked for, Michael.
Did God really speak to you?
In retrospect, mixing
a gallon of raisins
with the lead of a dozen hammers
might have given me a wee
bit of brain poisoning.
But an endorsement's an endorsement!
Though it's a journalistic
no-no to declare
an outright winner of a debate,
Senator Harris won this one hands down.
So I'm over the moon!
- Hmm, shouldn't have said that.
- You did the impossible.
You made Joe look good
while making yourself
look tolerably bad.
We'll see how long it lasts.
Hey, at my next event, I wanna wear
my "Female Body Inspector" T-shirt.
That way, I can support the
police and women's health.
The bar is so low for white people.
No shit.
Trump!
- _
presidential debate in Cleveland, Ohio.
I'm Chris Wallace, and
it used to be an honor
to moderate these things.
Tonight's event should go smoothly
as long as the candidates resist
the urge to constantly inter...
Excuse me, but what has
Joe Biden done in 47 years?
In just 47 months,
I've made this country
completely unrecognizable.
Right now, this country is dog shit.
But I can make it better,
like one of them cute
little bunny turds.
Mr. President, do you
believe your response
to the coronavirus pandemic
has been adequate.
Look, we've got 200,000
dead, which is way less
than I would have predicted
back in January
when I knew it was coming
but didn't say anything.
Way back in January,
I would've delivered
this clear message to
the American people...
Watch out, buccos!
We got a bug headed our way!
So, hunker down in the root cellar
with your best gal
till Fauci says "Ta-da!"
If you'd have been president,
two million people would have died,
we would have lost the space race,
and Kerri Strug wouldn't have landed
her Olympic gold-winning vault.
- Moving on, the next...
- No! No! I'm still talking!
- The next question is for...
- La-la-la-la-la!
- Mr... President Trump...
- La-la-la-la-la!
Will you shut up, man?
Usually when I'm this bewildered,
I figure it's me losing
cognitive function.
Mr. President are you willing to
condemn white supremacist groups
and tell them to stand down?
How can I say this in the
least horrifying way possible?
Stand back and stand by.
I mean, await my instructions.
I mean, ammo's on sale.
I mean, our righteous war is nigh!
You know what? I'm just
gonna give you both the chance
to shout incoherently
for the next 10 seconds.
Very good.
Mr. President, how do you respond
to The New York Times
report that you've paid virtually
no income tax over the last decade.
At least I didn't get
my idiot kid a job,
even though they have
no expertise in anything.
You tell 'em, Daddy!
Do you both agree to accept
the results of the election?
The fact that you're even
asking me that question
makes me feel like I've got options.
Whatever I do,
- it's on you, Chrissy.
- Fair's fair.
Winner gives the loser
a consolation neck rub!
Could I just take a moment
to address the folks at home?
Well, actually, no. We're out of time...
America, honey, I have a confession.
The only reason I asked to
go steady as your president
was because I was busted-ass broke.
But over the last four
years, I've changed.
I've fallen madly in love
with you and your bewitching emoluments.
So, what do you say?
Will you take me back and bail me out
of my $421 million debt?
Please! You gotta help me!
I'm drowning!
Yo, Trumpy! What's good?!
Ah! Hi! Hey, Putin.
I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Relax. What are they gonna
do, impeach you again?
So, look, I'm here to collect payment
for all that off-the-books funny money.
You know what? Just take Air Force One.
- It's parked out back.
- Alright!
See you in two weeks
for the next installment.
And hey, stop talking over Biden.
It sounds like you're projecting
your feelings of guilt onto him
in a desperate attempt
to avoid introspection.
I'm not a typical voter,
but, uh, I-I was turned off.
That's all the time we have.
I'm Chris Wallace, and I can't tell you
who to vote for, but come on.
Just smile and nod till 2028, Kamala.
We now return our 60-year-old viewers
to 60 Minutes.
Your selection as Biden's
VP has resuscitated
his nearly embalmed campaign.
And there's even talk of you becoming
the first woman president in 2024.
The race isn't finished, but
you deserve a victory lap.
It's an honor to be on the ticket
- with Vice President Bid...
- Victory lap over.
How can you excuse the many accusations
- of sexual misconduct against Biden?
- Great question.
Another great question is,
how can we excuse the complete disregard
for reproductive rights in this country?
My answer to the second question
and only the second
one is, we shouldn't.
Nice pivot to one of your pet issues,
reproductive rights.
What about Biden's pet issue
of classifying bongs as assault weapons
with his 1994 crime bill?
Oh, 1994! Peak grunge era.
As long as you're bringing
up the Seattle music scene,
I was against oil pipelines
in the Pacific Northwest.
Why does she keep dodging?
Is it so hard to defend
the indefensible?
It's like Biden's a hand grenade
she refuses to jump on
for fear of getting her
own guts on her blouse.
How do you expect voters
to forgive Biden's missteps
when even his VP won't defend them?
Joe Biden has a vast,
storied record in government,
and if anyone challenges
his record's vastness
or its storied-ness,
they'll be hearing from me.
Ah, Christ.
And unfortunately...
Don't know why she's even trying.
God clearly wants me in
that Vice President's office.
Political analysts can't find any other
earthly explanation for
how I ended up there.
I'm worried about you being
on that stage with her.
Can you debate with your eyes averted?
I'll have to try.
Otherwise, I'd defy my marital vow
to never willingly behold another woman.
How did I luck out
with such a fanatically faithful hubby?
Ooh! I almost forgot about dessert.
Just let me put some skin
on the skinless grapes.
What's your strategy
for the upcoming VP debate?
If Mike Pence wants to keep his job,
he is probably hard at work right now,
studying every intimate
detail about you.
Where is everybody?
You said this was a barbecue
celebrating me joining the ticket.
Guess we're the only ones aware
that you've joined the ticket
due to your stubborn refusal
to defend Joe's record.
Is it so hard to say, "I, too,
would have humiliated
Anita Hill on that national stage"?
Tomorrow's joint-rally with Joe
would be a great chance
for you to endorse
his every indiscretion
and policy failure!
Whaddaya say?
Didn't you want a VP
voters felt comfortable
screen-printing onto
an empowering tote bag?
Wrong. We wanted someone
to be ground meat
we could feed to the press.
Just like these delicious
Kobe beef burgers
I found in my $27,000 Kobe beef fridge.
Now can you please just
throw yourself on the fire
and let CNN douse you in ketchup?
If a truant third-grader
can defend himself,
so can Joe. Enjoy your burgers.
Oh, I could never eat these!
At our age, our colons
can't handle anything
that hasn't first been run
through a garbage disposal.
Dear Lord, I know you would never ask me
to put politics before my religion's
very niche interpretation
of holy matrimony.
And I know you'll secure
a Trump election victory,
so it doesn't even matter
how the debate goes, right?
You sure about that,
Vice President Pence?
- God?!
- I wish.
I'm a vision in white robes.
Word on the street is, if
you mess up this debate,
Trump's gonna replace
you with Nikki Haley.
Probably just a rumor, though.
- I need to win that debate
- _
so I remain Vice President
and keep the one true
God in the White House.
But would Karen ever forgive me
for studying another woman?
We won't even listen to
Laura Ingraham's radio show
without our pastor present.
If you wanna a glimpse
of me in that white robe,
I think we're both
overdue for a spa day.
We gotta get things
back to normal times,
when you could call a lady "honey"
and her Black boyfriend "brother"
and the cop wailing on him "buddy".
Once that happens, climate change
is a piece of cake.
Next question?
This is a question
for your running mate.
Do you defend Biden's history
of misconduct toward women?
I don't think this is a time to speak,
but rather a time to listen
to Joe defend himself.
Thanks, Hon.
I've searched my soul
for a very long time
for a way to communicate
my deeply held feelings
about this situation, And I can't think
of a better way to respond
than with a few limericks.
There once was a blonde
chick named Tits...
You're not making this
easy on us!
_
God damn it, George, you dumb asshole.
I told you I couldn't
pick up the dry cleaning
because that freak Mike
Pence asked me to join him
for some weird secret meeting.
Yeah, I'll be home for dinner, stupid.
Love you, shitface. Alright.
What the hell are we doing here?
I thought you weren't allowed
to share airspace with
a set of lady lungs.
Don't worry. To atone,
I swallowed a hammer.
You and George don't approve
of each other's activities.
How do you make it work?
We practice unrelenting honesty.
Every night, we shout how disappointed
we are with each other
while taking turns spitting
- on our wedding photo.
- Oh, dear.
Then we take my lipstick
and write the names
of the people we wish we'd married
all over each other's underwear.
I'd run if I wasn't passing a hammer.
Until, finally, we channel
all of our resentment
into a pre-dinner nude
Jacuzzi splash-fight.
Thank you, Kellyanne.
I'll do my best to prep for that debate,
but you've convinced me
that Karen can never find out
or our marriage is ruined, or worse,
it will become like yours.
What do you want now,
George, you dumb asshole?
I could eat Chinese,
sure. Okay. Bye-bye.
I hope a grizzly rips your dick off.
A president can be as
problematic as he wants...
They'll still build a memorial to him.
Jefferson was a vice president first.
Just like Joe, and maybe just like you,
if everyone plays their cards right.
You know, I don't get why Jefferson's
standing up in his memorial.
On your feet all that time.
Oh! I'd rather sit.
Did Jefferson have to
go onto Anderson Cooper
and defend John Adams
for plagiarizing George Washington?
Every candidate needs
a shield. Joe was mine.
He let white people who
make citizens' arrests
of black UPS drivers feel
okay about voting for me.
Now, Joe needs his own shield.
'Course, there's a lotta fatties
climbing up on Lincoln's lap.
That's gotta hurt.
But some of 'em,
they're just fat enough,
if you get my drift.
There's just so much to defend.
The other day he called
for-profit prisons
"cha-ching jails".
That's something we only say in private!
Look, Joe is the most vulnerable
Democratic candidate
since we all found out how
John Kerry comes off on camera.
But if you want to be
the first female VP,
you're gonna have to
defend him to anyone
who's ever looked up his voting record.
Alright. I'll do it.
I'll defend Joe Biden so hard,
people won't have to take a shower
after leaving the voting booth.
Laying down on my stomach,
chin in my hands, giving a wink.
- Now that's a memorial.
- Fine, a quick shower.
But they won't have to
scrub with steel wool.
Is there any way you could
find the time to help me?
Chuck and Nancy said when it comes
to defending an indefensible man,
you're the monster... master, sorry.
Me? Insert myself into
the presidential race?
Why, I'd have to be
desperate for relevance
- to do such a thing.
- You're right.
- It was dumb of me to...
- That was a yes.
If you're gonna pull this off,
you'll have to do the three C's.
Compassion, condemnation, conviction.
First, you'll compassionately
forgive Joe for his mistakes,
letting voters know that
if you can excuse him,
- surely they can.
- Wow.
I could've used you
during my shit-show
of a primary campaign.
Always happy to help
another promising woman in politics
find just the right part of a bus
to throw herself under.
Welcome to Meet The Press.
I'm Chuck Todd, and I
am press to meet you.
I think that worked.
Today, in a move that some might
call "journalistically iffy",
we're turning our entire show
over to the Democratic VP candidate,
so she can forgive Joe Biden
for all of his past mistakes.
Meanwhile, I'm going to try grape juice
for the first time.
Wow! Hmm, yummy.
First up, voting for the Iraq War.
A bad call, but, Joe Biden,
I forgive you.
Next, trying to cut social security.
Forgive! This is easier than I thought!
Voting against gay marriage
in the '90s, school bussing,
Helping private prisons
expand faster than 7-Elevens.
That one was good actually.
Ugh! Look!
Look, it used to be okay
to run your fingers
through your secretary's hair
like a kid racing through a wheat field.
I... I for...
forgive...
Let's take a look at our
Forgiveness Thermometer.
Just past the halfway point!
And if you want to forgive
Joe Biden yourself,
our operators are standing by!
Are you sure this is
the best place for me
to study Biden's female running mate
without Karen knowing?
I do all my extramarital "studies" here,
if you catch my really gross meaning.
I checked you in under my regular alias,
Randall Giuliani, so you
should get the discount.
But I keep the rewards
points, got it? I gotta go.
My third cousin's at the
Super 8 across the highway.
Happy squeaking. Never forget.
Hi, Karen.
I have to work late tonight.
We're doing... work things. Normal work.
Now don't make up
stories to me, Michael.
I know you're planning a big surprise
for our anniversary.
Can you believe 10 years ago this week
was the first time we bought
raisins by the pound together?!
Can't hide anything from you, can I?
Don't wait up.
Lord, absolve me for what
I'm about to learn about my opponent.
Interned as a mailroom clerk
for Senator Alan Cranston! Aah!
I need a 24-hour hardware store
that will sell me a bushel
of ball-peen hammers.
You've done the compassion,
but get ready to feel
like you can't go on
because it's condemnation time!
I thought voters would be glad
to have someone forgive Biden for them.
You let Joe off the hook,
so now they need to
put you on that hook.
Bill stopped being asked about Monica
before he even left office.
But three hours of my Benghazi hearing
focused on why I didn't kick him out.
_
Everybody leave her alone for a second!
I just want to say that
this is the first time
I've ever been glad that my father died,
so he didn't have to be alive
to see you forgive his good friend, Joe.
Co-sponsored Green New Deal resolution.
Karen loves the color green.
It really brings out her scalp part.
Darn it. I forgot what Kamala did.
Every time I memorize
something about her,
a fact about Karen
shoves it out of my head.
It's the middle of the night,
and I haven't made any progress.
It's no use.
That's Karen's rutabaga patch!
Karen's spade!
Karen's gardening clogs!
Wait, Karen's clogs are a dull brown.
What the...
Hammers! Give me hammers!
My ear is still ringing
from Meghan McCain
holding me down and sobbing into it.
It's like she's trapped in there.
Best to just pop the
eardrum and set her free,
or she'll never have any peace.
Now it's time for the final step...
conviction, your specialty!
You need to accept responsibility
for everything Joe has done
and be convicted in the public eye
for his misdeeds.
Who would believe I'm responsible
for Joe Biden's mistakes?
The whole damn country?
I've been shouldering
Bill's blame for years.
From Vince Foster to Jeffrey Epstein,
everyone assumes I'm always the one
giving the kill order.
Hello!
We have a chore wheel.
- I'm Wolf Blitzer,
- _
and I've never played a round of poker,
where I didn't fold.
Breaking news... Senator Harris
has officially accepted responsibility
for everything Joe Biden
has ever done wrong,
including the stuff that happened
when she was still in Girl Scouts.
We go live to the Senate floor
where an emergency session
of Congress has been called.
Though we had to put the latest
coronavirus relief bill on hold,
you can now see it was
for a very good reason.
We've passed an official
congressional censure of Senator Harris
for all of Joe Biden's missteps.
It took a lot for Kamala to come forward
and wipe Joe Biden's record clean.
She won't be cozying up to
all those credit card companies
Biden cozied up to anymore!
She did it!
As the first female vice president,
I will fight climate change by
planting a chrysanthemum bush
in every truck stop glory hole.
Now rebut me. Tear me to shreds.
Senator Harris fails to
mention she was, uh...
She supports, uh...
- Karen likes chrysanthemums.
- Focus, Mike!
Our nation's glory holes
are in imminent danger!
Darn it! I just feel so
guilty studying details
of a woman other than my wife.
How will I make it through this debate?
When you think of Kamala,
replace her face with your wife's.
All politics boils down
to face-swapping women.
Just like our TV trick!
Quick! Ask me where
she went to law school!
Where'd the broad go to law school?
That bastion of godlessness and sin,
the University of California.
It's working!
Did you see those polls today?
Looks like having your record
pinned on somebody else
can really give the old
campaign some rocket fuel!
Listen to them cheering.
I've really pulled it off!
People are so ready to
blame me for Joe's mistakes,
my Wikipedia page now
includes an entry titled
- Failed 1988 Presidential Bid.
- Oh, yeah.
Once they find out
you'll take the blame,
they back it up by the U-haul,
morning, noon, and night.
I couldn't have done it without you.
It feels so good for women in politics
to stick together like this.
They say that behind every great man
is a great woman,
and behind every flawed man
is a woman who deserves most,
if not all, of the blame.
My running mate took that blame,
and I owe her a lotta credit.
So let her hear it, folks.
How could she get
Hunter that job in Ukraine?
- Wait. They're booing me?
- You'll get used to it.
I'll give you the number for my guy
who makes industrial-grade
white noise machines.
I keep one in my car
for when someone spots
me at a red light.
That's our girl.
Booooooo!
The help auto industry,
I'm going to make cars
look more like Wonder Woman!
You tried to make car companies
meet modest emissions standards!
- Have you no decency, ma'am?
- You did it!
You're keeping that broad in focus,
even though she's not Karen!
Couldn't have done it
without your help, Rudy.
Your impression is uncanny!
- Michael!
- Oh, jeez!
Your wife! I better...
I better make tracks.
I'm not a woman, Mrs.
Pence. It's me... Rudy.
I can explain, Kamala. I mean, Karen!
Oh, rotten rutabaga!
You really came through
for the campaign.
We can finally get down to business now
that we don't have to spend every day
finding new ways to smear Tara Reade.
You put party before yourself,
- and we owe you one.
- Big time!
Now that Joe no longer needs defending,
maybe I can resume pushing the issues
I care about, like reproductive rights.
Speaking of defending,
seems like you're the one
who needs all the defending these days.
What, with the way you
railroaded Anita Hill.
That Iraq War vote is
really hard to swallow.
You're just too toxic
with voters right now.
We need you to lay low while
we consider other alternatives.
But I even said there
are very fine people
on both sides of the bussing issue,
and I was bussed!
And the party thanks you.
We want to focus-group
someone less problematic
to fill the VP spot.
And now that he's out of prison,
Anthony Weiner is ready to run again!
We just want to bring
him to some events,
see how people like him.
A lot of Americans can
relate to that ankle bracelet.
I know how it looks, Karen.
But the Lord wants me
to win that debate,
and this collage is the only
way I could study Kamala...
I mean, my opponent.
Michael Pence, you made a vow
that I would be the
only woman in your life.
And now you miss our
raisins-by-the-pound anniversary
for some afternoon delight
with Rudy Giuliani's
transformative portrayal
of another woman?
Nothing's more important than our vows,
but this debate is important, too.
Maybe we could find a way to
make some room in our marriage?
Perhaps we can add my
studies of the VP as,
you know, like a third?
My study collage!
Karen, no!
I gave you my expert advice,
and now you're angry at me?
What are you... my Wisconsin
campaign volunteers
after I told them to
sit the election out?
I thought you were giving me advice
because you wanted to help
another woman in politics.
And I thought you understood
how this works.
There's no upside for us.
Whether we run on our own
record or someone else's,
women are destroyed in the
media while powerful men
steal the hot sauce
right out of our bags.
I should have never listened to you.
You've never even won your campaigns.
At least I didn't run out
of money before January!
Even Andrew Yang outlasted you!
Now that's Pokemon Sad.
When Joe asked me to join
him on the campaign trail,
I said yes on the condition
that we use our platform
to push an issue that
has long been ignored.
Today, Joe's making
good on that promise,
as we open the doors on
a Women's Health Center.
Do the honors, Anthony.
My probation officer
won't let me possess
anything that could be
considered a weapon.
Hey, wait a minute,
I thought reproductive rights
was one of Kamala's pet issues.
The only pet issue Anthony Weiner has
is wider-angle phone cameras
for easier junk selfies!
It robs the act of all eroticism
when I have to use a selfie stick!
Who is this jackass speaking?
It's that woman who said
Roe v. Wade went too far
back in 1973!
Boo!
Hey, Kamala! Nice hat!
Booooo!
You really fouled up this time, Mike.
Now y-your marriage is over,
and you can't even study
for the debate anymore.
Breaking news... Nikki Haley was seen
leaving the Oval Office today.
Looks like Mike Pence needs a rare show
of basic competence at that debate
if he wants to hang onto his job.
This is no time for a
raisin bender, Michael.
God? Is that really you?
Yes, I am definitely God and
not just an imaginary friend
you conjured during a raisin overdose.
Michael, I lifted you to this position
to carry out my will,
which is the reelection
of TV's Donald Trump.
When the time comes,
I trust you will know what to do.
No, if you leave it to me, I
always do the stupidest thing!
I need short, clear instructions.
If it involves mixed fiber garments,
tell me so I can go to the Old Navy.
Please, God.
See you on the slopes, Michael.
So much for me being
the first Black woman VP now.
Are you kidding?
Now that you've got
Joe's stink all over you,
party leaders are ready to pull a Biden
and bury their nose in your hair.
Then why are they testing a candidate
whose sex crimes
resulted in the election
of Bill de Blasio?
Ah, they're just being careful.
They were worried
about me at first, too,
until they smeared Joe all over me,
and then they felt a lot better.
I thought Joe shielded you
from voters hesitant
about a black president.
And from party leaders
hesitant about someone
who hasn't taken a vacation
paid for by Raytheon.
When you took on Joe's record,
you won the establishment,
because Joe is like the whole
frustrating, compromised party
- poured into one loud guy.
- Doy!
But the establishment
won't keep me on the ticket
if voters are booing everywhere I go.
Word is, Anthony Weiner's on the outs
after he air-dropped dick pics
to every client at his
women's health center.
Win voters over at that debate
so they stop booing you,
and your VP slot's locked down.
You're right.
It doesn't matter what record we run on.
This time, help me take
the blame for myself.
You're in luck.
I happen to have a half-dozen binders
of oppo research on you.
Just a hobby of mine.
Has nothing to do with
me running in 2024.
Welcome to the 2020
Vice Presidential Debate
at the University of
Utah in Salt Lake City.
I'm Susan Page of USA Today,
the paper of choice for
stuffing your summer shoes
so they keep their shape through winter.
Let's get right to it.
The first question
is for Senator Harris.
Fun having audiences again.
Senator Harris, voters
turned against you
after you took responsibility
for your running mate's spotty record.
Has your opinion of your
running mate changed?
My running mate is a wildly flawed,
utter mess of a candidate
with enough red flags
to look like a Lexus dealership
during a December-to-Remember sale.
That running mate
sounds like a real
bucket of gopher spit!
What the hell is she doing?
Message Weiner on his OnlyFans
and tell him the VP spot is his.
I'm out of bitcoin!
But I am not perfect either, Susan.
Wait. Let's give her a chance.
I've been kicked out
of numerous book clubs
for not doing the reading.
The inside of my car is super gross.
And I destroyed families
putting single moms in prison
for not getting their kids
to homeroom on time.
Holy crap. We could
have just let her run
on her own record the whole time.
There's more than enough
there to take the heat off Joe.
That woman's a damn mess!
Joe Biden is the Democratic party,
and our party makes mistakes,
terrible mistakes that we don't correct
until we're absolutely sure
it won't lose us votes in the suburbs.
I've made some of those mistakes myself.
You're all waiting to boo me,
but when you do, boo
me for my own record.
It is long overdue for
women to be despised
for their own flaws,
not for the flaws of the nearest man.
Oh, my god. She did it!
None of her flaws better rub off on me!
We need to throw her
a barbecue, for real.
And issue a press release praising Joe
for seeing the good in such a monster.
Vice President Pence, your rebuttal?
Last chance, Lord, tell me what to do,
or I'll do something really dumb.
Mr. Vice President, I'll remind you
that you are mic'd and very audible.
Okay. You asked for it.
My wife Karen is the most
wonderful woman in the world!
She's named all the squirrels
in our neighborhood
after characters from the Bible.
Instead of wasting money on underwear,
she sews mine out of old corn stalks.
Her toes are all fused together
into a gorgeous flesh wedge.
Karen snores in a beautiful baritone
that sounds like a train
coming into town.
I am married to my wife, Karen.
And you, Senator, are no my-wife-Karen!
Senator Harris, any response?
To him saying I'm not his wife?
No, I think I'm good. The fuck was that?
Also, God spoke to me last night
when I was wasted on raisins,
and he endorses Trump!
Though Pence turned in a
bewildering, inept performance,
polls show he locked down
the evangelical vote
by celebrating his vow of marriage
rather than debating a
prideful woman... smart.
Mentioning God's endorsement
of Trump helped, too.
That's a big get.
Looks like Pence still has a job
if Trump wins a second term.
That was the best anniversary present
I could have asked for, Michael.
Did God really speak to you?
In retrospect, mixing
a gallon of raisins
with the lead of a dozen hammers
might have given me a wee
bit of brain poisoning.
But an endorsement's an endorsement!
Though it's a journalistic
no-no to declare
an outright winner of a debate,
Senator Harris won this one hands down.
So I'm over the moon!
- Hmm, shouldn't have said that.
- You did the impossible.
You made Joe look good
while making yourself
look tolerably bad.
We'll see how long it lasts.
Hey, at my next event, I wanna wear
my "Female Body Inspector" T-shirt.
That way, I can support the
police and women's health.
The bar is so low for white people.
No shit.
Trump!