Our Cartoon President (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 11 - Episode #3.11 - full transcript
Welcome to tonight's town hall
at the National Constitution
Center in Philadelphia.
- I'm George Stephanopoulos,
- _
and when I worked for Bill Clinton,
he was an incorruptible angel.
Tonight, somehow-undecided voters
will question President Trump
about the issues that matter most.
Ladies and gentlemen, if
you're not sure who to vote for,
remember how much fun
you have at horror movies.
I'm Anderson Cooper,
and I've climbed K3,
- a secret mountain for the uber wealthy.
- _
I'm joined tonight by
Vice President Joe Biden,
who is here to address Rust Belt voters,
because the fate of democracy
somehow depends on
14 Pennsylvania moms named Terri.
Turns out I'm America's last hope!
Ain't it nuts? Hell, I'm doing great!
I didn't sniff one widow's
nape at the 9/11 event.
Could you have done
more to stop COVID-19?
Ugh! Are we still talking about COVID?
That was last month's genocide.
Hello! You can't see the sky anymore!
And another thing...
on the trail, I'm gonna
say "end climate change".
But I do not mean it.
I love gas engines!
Why won't you acknowledge
that this country
has a race problem?
Hey, did you folks see
Wheel of Fortune is back?
Just say the words "race" and "problem".
That Vanna's still got it!
Now, if there's one thing
President Trump and I agree on,
it's these protester so-and-so's
are causing all sorts of
ruckus, and, you know...
While exercising their
First Amendment right
to peaceably assemble,
and that's all we have
to say on that matter.
Joe, there's a big lady outside
who's pouring beers with her underboob!
Quick! Get me three
camcorders and a lighting rig!
How 'bout those ICE guys?
Pretty nutso, right?
Sure, there are some negative nellies
who say forced sterilization
is unconstitutional,
but I say...
Oh, God!
That better be from the gift shop.
Is the gift shop behind ten
inches of bulletproof glass?
Joe! Stop!
Stop doing that. Vice Pre... Joe! Stop!
Joe, you are not a car!
Everyone's complaining
about these hurricanes
or, as I call them, free water parks!
Look, you don't change horses midstream,
even if the stream is lava
and the horse is melted
down to its eye sockets.
When we come back, the President
blames all the nation's problems
on people who are not
currently the President.
Aw, man!
How am I supposed to sniff
a lady's hair in this thing?
I'm Anderson Cooper, and I absorbed 60%
of Princess Diana's household staff.
- Tonight, we take a look back
- _
at the Democratic National Convention,
where top-ranking party members
made their voices heard.
- I support Joe Biden for president.
- _
- Joe Biden.
- Joe Biden!
Joe... I don't even mind that
he was adamantly against
gay marriage 12 years ago... Biden.
I support Joe Biden... almost as much
as I support Medicare For All.
Senator Sanders' remarks received
a tepid response from party insiders,
but a roar of approval
from online supporters.
And now that he's safely
out of the running,
I think we can all agree
that Bernie Sanders
has totally transformed
the Democratic Party forever
by dragging it kicking
and screaming to the left.
Oh, and Joe Biden
is the official nominee.
Hey, Jill! They said my name on the TV!
Sure, Joe. Almost as much
as they said Bernie's.
Hold on. Now, how come they're
saying his name when I'm the guy
who won the rigged
primary fair and square?
Exactly! This should
be your moment, not his.
Bernie's not like the
other candidates, Joe.
He has some weird desire
to speak about the issues,
even when it won't benefit
him in any discernible way.
Now, that's whacky-dacky!
Trying to modernize
my slang, Jill. Ya dig?
I'm just saying, it'd be nice
if Bernie could take a backseat
and let you become
the face of the party.
I'm not too worried. Everyone
knows I'm the face of the party.
Coming up, we meet a woman
so inspired by Bernie Sanders
she named her firstborn
child "77% Estate Tax".
God, Eric!
I am up to my ass's ass telling voters
that sending gun pics
to liberals cures COVID.
It's been weeks since
I've seen you long enough
to punch you lovingly in the dick!
Laying people off from the Trump Org
has become my full-time job!
COVID-19 is tearing our
brotherly asses apart!
I wish some science freak
would find the cure already
so we can rent that houseboat
to have our first annual
houseboat-sex-and-drinking
party! Oy, oy!
If we don't have that party,
it'll be like we bought
matching sailor suits for nothing!
They weren't matching!
I bought mine first!
As I was saying, I'm
totally open to any feedback
in regards to my day-to-day.
Oh. Sorry. You're fired.
Your health insurance ends... now.
Now get the eff outta here!
Joe really appreciates what you're doing
for his campaign, Beau Bridges.
Big Stargate fan, by the way.
Love how it draws from both
Norse and Greek mytholo...
Okay. I-I'll let you get back to it.
We're up 200 thou in donations,
and it's not even "healthy
morning snack" time yet.
I, in a sense, rock.
Do you think Bernie's
stealing my moment?
- Not exactly... ?
- You do! I knew it!
It's just that your moment
is, uh, a collective action.
Undertaken by many, many
people, including Bernie.
But I should be the face
of the Democratic Party,
and Bernie keeps shoving
his face over mine!
I spent a lot of money on this face,
and I wanna show it off!
Look, Joe. I've got carpal tunnel
from dialing donors all day,
and I can't keep saying
the call is cutting out when
they bring up Tara Reade.
Making peace with Bernie and courting
his small-dollar donors
could be a good thing.
I could even facilitate a
tête-à-tête between you two.
He should be wanting to
TED Talk with me,
not the other way around!
Ah, forget it, Barack. I'm sure
the party will Band-Aid over
its irresolvable
differences like always.
Made it through another unaired presser.
Maybe next time, Trump
will let the camera guy
take the lens cap off.
- Oh, Dr. Fauci! Dr. Fauci!
- Here, here! Dr. Fauci!
Dr. Fauci! I said it first!
Again, boys, jock itch is not a symptom.
How long would it take
us to cure coronavirus
and still have time to rent
an inflatable AR-15-shaped
pool float for a sick-ass
houseboat-sex-and-drinking
party?! Oy, oy!
Vaccines can take years to develop
before they're even brought to market.
Oh, we know all about bringing
products prematurely to market.
Unless you have a research
lab at your disposal,
I don't see how it's possible.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have to hose off the letter "Q"
someone defecated onto my RAV4.
Ugh! That was our last
chance to cure the disease!
But it was the first thing we tried.
Bernie troubles?
You've come to the right place, sister.
Don't get me wrong. I appreciate
all the thankless hours
he spends on the campaign trail...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blame it on my juice.
Bernie will always find a
way to steal my spotlight.
Uh, your spotlight.
Barack thinks I should
talk to him about it.
Pfft! Next he's gonna tell you
to take the fall for Benghazi!
If you want my advice,
leave them both in the dust
and... who knows... maybe
you'll find a surrogate
sitting in plain sight.
Because why play Pokémon Go...
when you can Pokémon
Joe Biden to the polls!
And that's just off the top of my head.
Eric, I told you that whenever
you get a new bandana,
you can just show it to
me like a normal person!
Surprise!
It's our old childhood
penthouse basement!
And it's still full of all the stuff
we made one of our moms buy us
after we watched Weird Science!
We never did make a girl.
But you did cure my hiccups!
I had a scientific breakthrough
to hit you with the hammer!
And my insomnia! Remember
how you cured that?
- I hit you with this book!
- Let's do it again!
You can be Dr. Don,
and I'll be your trusty lab rat, Eric.
Together, we'll cure coronavirus!
I promised myself I'd
never do science again
after realizing I could
jack off in the shower,
but these are unprecedented times.
Come here, lab rat!
See? No herkups! It's warking, Daern!
Barack, I thought about it,
and I don't want to be
like Hillary after all.
She ordered a basket of deplorables,
and when the waiter didn't
laugh, she slapped him!
I'll call Bernie
and arrange this tête-à-tête tout suite.
Do you really think I
can get through to him?
Of course! You are the king
of reaching across the aisle.
Remember Strom?
Reaching across the aisle to make peace
with a segregationist
Dixie-crat is one thing,
but a guy who wants sick
people to be given medicine?
We have nothing in common.
Just be like me... firm,
officious, dignified,
humble yet proud,
fair, judicious, kind...
Bored! Just say you'll have my back.
- I always do.
- Okay, let's do it!
If I can work with Jesse Helms
to keep those kids off those buses,
well, surely I can talk
to Bernie Sanders!
Uh, thank you both for being here today.
"The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step". Lao-Tzu.
I thought this was a
Green New Deal summit.
Where is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez?
The Green New who?
I'm the mean "Green", buck-o,
and the "New Deal" is what I say goes!
I'm tired.
Bernie, the real reason we're here today
is so that you and Joe
can heal your differences.
And so I can become the
face of the Democratic Party
once and for all!
I'm not stopping him
from being the face!
The people just prefer
my face to be the face!
Enough talk! It's time
to run at each other
waving really heavy public trash cans!
- Huuuuah!
- Calm down, fellas.
Let's start with something easy.
I want you each to say one nice
thing about the other person.
Bernie?
Joe, when you're around.
there's never an uncomfortable silence.
Or a comfortable one.
Any silence, really.
Your turn, Joe.
You're good at talking
to the youth voters,
the spoiled ones who
spend all their money
on avocado-toast lattes
instead of sacking up and
going off to fight in Korea!
- Great job, Joe.
- Great job?
He gets a "great job" and I get bupkus?
Playing favorites again, Barack,
just like you did in the primary!
Look, I just did what needed doing.
When Jamie Dimon calls, I listen.
Now we're all fightin'!
I feel like an interracial
lifeguard again!
We have to be
scientific about this, Eric!
Let's try the proven method
to cure coronavirus first.
Open up.
- How do you feel?
- Like a bathroom.
Okay. Subject feels like a bathroom.
Do you have any poison back there
that tastes like noodles and butter?
Subject is talking back to
doctor like a total beeyotch.
Could be a symptom of coronavirus.
Further testing needed.
That's everything
from the supply closet.
- How do you feel?
- Actually pretty good!
I think the lighter fluid
canceled out the hand sanitizer
which canceled out the motor oil.
Eric, shut up! That's it!
All of these forces combined
make the perfect cure!
Last question. Do you have coronavirus?
- No?
- Urethra!
My movement could run
laps around your movement!
Dup-dup! Maybe in 2008,
but times have changed!
With a single tweet, I
could have this forest
swarming with unshaven podcasters!
At least I won the
nomination on my first try!
Hey! Look at me! Look at me!
I'm thinking about swapping
out Kamala for John Kasich!
You'll never have what I had, Bernie.
Step aside so the true face of the party
can assume his rightful place.
Now you're talking, Barack!
Wait. My face or your face?
How's Guantanamo this time
of year, Barack? Still open?
How is your third house?!
You have three way bigger houses!
Maaaaalarkey! Enough!
It's time for you two
to kiss and make up
like a coupla fruits.
Nothin' wrong with that, by the way.
- But, but, but...
- I said sit!
Buncha screaming guys. Can't
even hear myself scream!
Now it's my turn to be in charge here!
Do the thing where you say a nice thing
about the other fella.
Bernie. You've inspired millions.
You too, Barack. Lotta
inspiration there.
See? That's how you
reach across the aisle.
Now take a deep whiff
of each other's hair.
In conclusion, this vaccine is
a once-in-a-lifetime
investment opportunity
for those seeking to make major
scratch off a biblical plague.
Plus, if you take the vaccine
yourself, you'll live forever!
So, how many millions of units
can we sign you up for?
This vaccine doesn't exactly fit
with the Tesla Corp business model.
Do you have any boxy cars
or big holes in the ground?
No, and stop asking!
Then it's a no from me,
dawg. Sorry to this man.
Well, Don, back to the drawing board!
Maybe you can cure my plantar
warts with some paint thinner.
No way, lab rat ass rat!
We're selling this shit
so we can throw a rockin'
houseboat-sex-and-drinking party!
- Rockin' out! Oh, yeah!
- But we were finally spending
- quality time together.
- Oy, oy!
Just let it out, fellas.
They say they want change,
but when you give it to
them, what do they say?
I should have been a
Supreme Court Justice.
You devote your whole life to
the public good, and for what?
For a KFC-huffing casino failure
to level everything you built
and let a bunch of
bazooka-toting gout patients
stomp all over it in
their camo-print Crocs?
See? You folks are the same sort of
weepy do-gooder dweebs after all.
- Honestly, I needed this.
- Me too.
Now can we all agree to make
nice and let me be the face?
I'm cool with it if
Bernie's cool with it.
- Yeah, okay, sure. Fine.
- Yahoo!
I'm prouder than when Hunter
called me up from Ukraine
and said, "Dad, I got the job!"
Hey, Dr. Don.
What do you think will happen
if I lick this hot curling iron?
Shut up, Eric! I told you the R&D phase
of Doctor Don Incorporated is over!
Now we are in the GP phase!
That stands for "Get Paid",
and I just made it up, so
please congratulate me already!
- Congratu...
- Shut up, Eric!
I'm trying to think of
a way to rope sick people
desperate for a sliver of
hope into buying this thing!
Whoa! I wanna buy that thing!
I'm Mike Lindell, CEO of MyPillow.
Is your pillow mushy and damp
from all your nosebleeds?
Do you have bad sleep habits
like waking up every 12 minutes
to swing a blade in
the air at the vagrant
trying to steal the coat hanger
you use as a hairbrush?
Try sleeping on MyPillow.
That's it! That's the answer!
We gotta get Mike Lindell
out of that TV and in on this!
I thought this was sort
of a two-man operation.
If he can sell millions
of dumb MyPillows,
imagine what he can do
for our dumb vaccine.
Somebody say MyPillow?!
Welcome back to Meet the Press.
I'm Chuck Todd, and joining
me are the two biggest names
in Democratic politics...
Bernie Sanders and Barack Obama.
And I'd also like to
throw my name in the ring.
Just kidding. Unl... Well, unless... ?
- I-I don't know. Maybe.
- Thanks for having us, Chuck.
Barack and I have decided to join forces
on a nationwide speaking tour
for the 2020 Democratic
presidential candidate.
That's me!
Why am I at the little table again?
Sorry, Mr. Vice President.
It was a tight fit,
and I wanted these
two titans of democracy
within high-five distance.
You understand.
Fine, but just tell your niece
she's hogging all the elbow space!
Annabelle, you heard the Vice
President. Make some room.
- Hi. I'm Mike Lindell and...
- _
And I am Mist... Doctor Don!
This is my lab rat,
Eric. He is very sick.
I'm at the end of my rope.
Take this. Take it, Eric!
What Don Jr. is feeding
his rat friend there
- is MyCOVIDVaccine.
- By Doctor Don!
Unlike other vaccines promising
to give you coronavirus,
MyCOVIDVaccine doesn't
promise to give you coronavirus.
How do you feel, rat boy?
Much better!
Tits out for the rat boy!
They loved the shit out of that vaccine!
I always knew we had something
special down in that basement,
even when I was coughing up blood!
I haven't moved product that
fast since my dealer Slice
let me sell to all the raccoons
that were living in
my burned-out minivan!
Wait. What the shit is this?!
Where's my face? Where's my name?!
I ran the infomercial
by a few focus groups,
and it turns out MyCOVIDVaccine
sells much better with your likeness
completely removed from the product.
But the consumers go nuts for Eric.
Oh, wow! I bet it's because
people naturally feel bad for me.
But what about me?!
What am I supposed to do,
pour bleach down my own throat?!
Now you have more time
to plan your first annual
houseboat-sex-and-drinking party.
Oh, yeah. I forgot that's why
we're doing this whole thing.
For that party. Not
for... hanging out. Eh...
I probably won't be able to make it
thanks to my new infomercial schedule,
but you can put my sailor
suit on a starfish if you want!
_
_
_
_
Hey, man. I'm late for my gig.
Think I can come in through the back?
- Name?
- Joe Biden.
Sorry, boss. You're not on the list.
This is the VIP entrance.
Check general admission.
I don't need to be on the list.
My name's up there on the marquee. See?
I didn't bring my reading glasses.
There you are! I've been
waiting for like a million hours!
Sorry. Mike Lindell wanted
me to contour my face
a little bit to play up
the rodentine features.
I thought R&D was over.
Well, it's back on!
I thought it would be a good idea
to think of some more vaccines.
Just for us. No Lindell!
I'll have to make sure our hang sesh
doesn't conflict with
my legal proceedings.
- What the shit?!
- Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you.
I'm being sued. A class-action!
Eric, you're being sued
for the wrongful death of thousands?!
Turns out MyCOVIDVaccine is
actually worse than coronavirus.
Even holding the bottle can be fatal.
This is so not fair!
Those wrongful deaths should be mine!
We did this together, and I'm
not even named in the suit!
You're the one that wanted to take
our brother-science
operation out of the basement.
I was perfectly fine ingesting
chemicals just the two of us.
W-Well, are you free to ingest some now?
I could squeeze the meat out
of an old Incredible Hulk doll.
I gotta meet up with Rudy
Giuliani for my trial.
He's, like, the only lawyer
that'll come near our family.
I should be on trial
for those deaths, too!
It should be me! Not
stupid brother Eric!
Hello, Wisconsin!
Thank you for being here
tonight in honor of the most
important face in the room...
- Joe Biden!
- Joe Biden!
That ain't my face!
- 5, 6, 7, 8, hit it!
- Ladies and gentlemen!
In celebration of Joe
Biden's campaign...
Barack Obama and Bernie Sanders!
I think healthcare should be free.
And I think it should be
public and private, too.
- How's that gonna work?
- It's been workin'.
Yeah, whatever!
♪ But at the end of the day ♪
♪ We're both the same shade of blue ♪
You know, I repealed
"don't ask, don't tell".
Yeah, I think I wanted
to do that in, uh, 1992.
Hey, who's countin'?
- I'm countin', I'm countin'!
- Yeah, whatever.
♪ But at the end of the day ♪
♪ We're the two top dogs of blue ♪
You know, people wonder
how a democratic centrist...
And a democratic socialist...
♪ Can find some common ground ♪
♪ Well, with our mutual admiration ♪
♪ For the late John McCain ♪
♪ There's commonality to be found ♪
Hey, Barack, when are we
gonna close Guantanamo?
Uh, soon enough. I'm working on it.
Soon enough? Yeah, I
won't wait up for dinner.
- Hey, it's complicated!
- Oh, sure.
♪ But at the end of the day ♪
♪ We're both the same shade of ♪
♪ Blue ♪
Eric, how do you feel about having
so much blood on your hands?
- Um...
- And isn't some other badass guy
also responsible for those deaths, too?!
My client has no further comments,
except to say that his lawyer
has a reservation tonight
at the Rusty Scupper.
If any ladies are interested,
show up with a pink carnation
in between your honkers so I
know you're down to get gross.
Look at me, lab rat!
Look at me!
♪ I'm down here ♪
♪ And you're up here ♪
♪ But you need to be here ♪
♪ Actually I need to be here ♪
Hey! Why did you make
me a big rusty sign?
Signs can't be president!
They got no grit, no know-how!
Joe! I didn't realize
you were coming tonight.
I would've left tickets
for you at will call.
This is my dang speaking tour!
Of course it is. And
you did such a good job
bringing us headliners
together, we thought
it might be nice for you to
sit back and enjoy the show.
From the comfort of your basement
as you stain the wallpaper yellow
just by hanging out in
the same room too much.
But I should be up there! I'm the face!
Unless... I'm the ass?!
Just for a little while.
Until you're elected president.
And then you can be the face
on nights and weekends.
Aw, who needs you two!
I'm going on my own speaking tour,
organized and planned
by me and me alone!
My name in lights!
A gal in a headset
screaming, "Five minutes!"
Big ol' tray of deli meat in
the back. Just you wait and see!
Now someone just tell me
how do I send an e-mail.
- Hey, Bailey! Nice to see ya!
- _
I'm glad your mom, Liz Warren,
let you join me here tonight.
A one, and a two, and a one-two-three.
♪ I say how do you do ♪
♪ You say woofy woof-a-roo ♪
♪ But one thing is we both hate fleas! ♪
Hey! I'm headlinin' here!
Despite the drink in my hand
and the houseboat underfoot,
this party somehow sucks ass.
Your bad mood is a major
mood, and it is so not a mood.
We should be celebrating
my scientific genius,
but now there's no vaccine, no Eric...
and, actually, where is
all the freaking sex?!
Real talk... when I invited
a bunch of girls to a party
in the midst of a global pandemic,
they threw high-key shade at me.
Even Kanye said no,
and that guy said yes
to slandering Harriet Tubman.
So no one's even coming?
Everyone else is too lame
sauce to even take the red pill,
including my newborn birth child
who also RSVP'd "no" to me.
Can you believe the rebellion?
Maybe we could just do experiments
on each other instead?
I found some toilet cleaner below deck!
Let me feed it to you
and see what happens!
Sir, this is a Wendy's!
It's like I'm not even there, Hillary!
It's some rusty sign instead.
I can't compete with that!
They're ignoring you?
- Pfft. Lucky.
- What do you mean?
No attention is better
than outright disgust.
My surrogates actively hated me.
You should see some of
the vile text messages
- I got from Katy Perry.
- I guess that's that.
Barack and Bernie are the
faces, and I'm just the ass.
Oh, boo hoo. A Black
guy and a Jewish guy
are doing all the leg work
for the old, toothy white guy.
Joe, don't you realize
how easy you have it?
You've got the veneer of progress
without having to go out there yourself
and say things like,
"Democracy is real",
and, "Cops need to cool it".
Hey, let's not demonize
lots and lots of bad apples.
Just be the vacant, smiling face
propped up by the
sweaty, hardworking ones.
Piece of cake.
Vacant smile? Me? Well,
I guess I could try.
I am not guilty
of the crimes set before me.
I could have cured those hiccups...
back when things were simpler.
Once you go corporate, the fun
of inventing boxy deathtraps
flies out the window.
Just like most of your human passengers.
Next thing you know,
everybody's asking you
for a rocket that, like,
won't even explode.
- Very much not gang-gang.
- So true.
Making Eric drink all those
chemicals in the basement,
and then writing down what happened...
those were the best
moments of my entire life!
I was just too blinded by profit
and houseboat sex to see it.
Yeah. Okay, boomer!
Now you understand what it's like
to be a misunderstood
genius like c'est moi.
Just for the record,
this whole thing wasn't
entirely my idea.
My brother Don Jr. also
has blood on his hands.
Aww! Lab rat ass...
Hey, folks! Just wanted
to drop off this basket
as a "thank you" for all
your hard work out there.
I don't deserve it.
Barack and I are no longer speaking.
Thank you for the basket.
Please put the Vermont cheddar
- on my vanity.
- What if I want the Vermont cheddar?
I thought you two were bosom buddies!
Singin' and dancin' together
like it was Bandstand
after they integrated.
Your friend over here
insisted on top billing,
even though I was routinely
bringing in the 18-to-25 demo!
Oh, you mean the demo that
never votes? Big accomplishment.
Just because the DNC decided to sideline
its first true revolutionary
candidate in a generation!
Maybe the DNC didn't want to
gamble on a fringe candidate.
Oh, because that totally blew up
in Republicans' faces in 2016.
Not! It had the opposite effect!
Fine. If you two can't get along,
I guess I'll have to be the
face of this party after all.
I just hope they like
my Cosby impression!
Eat the steel wool,
Dr. Don. For science.
Okay, it's not so b... Aarrgh!
Patient feels like absolute dog ass!
Doctor feels same. Could
these two things be connected?
Further testing required.
Is there steel wool for one more?
Eric! I thought you were in jail!
They let me out on bail!
Apparently they don't
consider me a flight risk
because I don't know how to
walk through a metal detector.
Sorry about before.
I was just jealous that you got to be
the face of pharmaceutical
malfeasance without me.
Apology accepted!
Next time, we'll be up on
that witness stand together.
Scientist-brothers again?
Now open up. This Incredible
Hulk meat won't eat itself.
Ugh! Come on! Another warm-up act?
I know I'm not the reason you're here,
but the headliners couldn't get over
their massive friggin' egos.
So, without further adieu...
♪ I say how do you do ♪
♪ You say woofy woof-a-roo ♪
♪ But one thing we both hate ♪
♪ Is fleas ♪
This is so bad, it's almost good again.
I think what our friend Joe
Biden is trying to say...
... is that we forgot who
the real candidate is,
whether by mistake
or by forcefully
pushing that information
to the outer reaches of our minds.
So you're cool with me being the face?
Uh, sure, as long as we
can be the brain, heart,
arms, legs, DNA, and power of attorney.
Aww! You'd do that for me?
Five, six, seven, eight, hit it!
♪ 'Cause at the end of the day ♪
♪ We're all the same shade of ♪
- Joe.
- Come on, Joe.
Oh. Blue.
Awesome song!
Hey, anyone else still
not have healthcare?
The biggest names of the
left were out last night
in Tempe, Arizona.
- If the Democratic Party had a voice,
- _
it would be Barack Obama's.
And if it had a heart, it
would be Bernie Sanders.
And if it had to have a face,
I guess it'd be Joe Biden's.
And wow. How 'bout that
pedestrian sign on the keys?
Should I be worried about that sign?
Unless you gave it a massage
backstage, you'll be fine.
Only a shoulder squeeze. Nothing crazy.
Trump!
at the National Constitution
Center in Philadelphia.
- I'm George Stephanopoulos,
- _
and when I worked for Bill Clinton,
he was an incorruptible angel.
Tonight, somehow-undecided voters
will question President Trump
about the issues that matter most.
Ladies and gentlemen, if
you're not sure who to vote for,
remember how much fun
you have at horror movies.
I'm Anderson Cooper,
and I've climbed K3,
- a secret mountain for the uber wealthy.
- _
I'm joined tonight by
Vice President Joe Biden,
who is here to address Rust Belt voters,
because the fate of democracy
somehow depends on
14 Pennsylvania moms named Terri.
Turns out I'm America's last hope!
Ain't it nuts? Hell, I'm doing great!
I didn't sniff one widow's
nape at the 9/11 event.
Could you have done
more to stop COVID-19?
Ugh! Are we still talking about COVID?
That was last month's genocide.
Hello! You can't see the sky anymore!
And another thing...
on the trail, I'm gonna
say "end climate change".
But I do not mean it.
I love gas engines!
Why won't you acknowledge
that this country
has a race problem?
Hey, did you folks see
Wheel of Fortune is back?
Just say the words "race" and "problem".
That Vanna's still got it!
Now, if there's one thing
President Trump and I agree on,
it's these protester so-and-so's
are causing all sorts of
ruckus, and, you know...
While exercising their
First Amendment right
to peaceably assemble,
and that's all we have
to say on that matter.
Joe, there's a big lady outside
who's pouring beers with her underboob!
Quick! Get me three
camcorders and a lighting rig!
How 'bout those ICE guys?
Pretty nutso, right?
Sure, there are some negative nellies
who say forced sterilization
is unconstitutional,
but I say...
Oh, God!
That better be from the gift shop.
Is the gift shop behind ten
inches of bulletproof glass?
Joe! Stop!
Stop doing that. Vice Pre... Joe! Stop!
Joe, you are not a car!
Everyone's complaining
about these hurricanes
or, as I call them, free water parks!
Look, you don't change horses midstream,
even if the stream is lava
and the horse is melted
down to its eye sockets.
When we come back, the President
blames all the nation's problems
on people who are not
currently the President.
Aw, man!
How am I supposed to sniff
a lady's hair in this thing?
I'm Anderson Cooper, and I absorbed 60%
of Princess Diana's household staff.
- Tonight, we take a look back
- _
at the Democratic National Convention,
where top-ranking party members
made their voices heard.
- I support Joe Biden for president.
- _
- Joe Biden.
- Joe Biden!
Joe... I don't even mind that
he was adamantly against
gay marriage 12 years ago... Biden.
I support Joe Biden... almost as much
as I support Medicare For All.
Senator Sanders' remarks received
a tepid response from party insiders,
but a roar of approval
from online supporters.
And now that he's safely
out of the running,
I think we can all agree
that Bernie Sanders
has totally transformed
the Democratic Party forever
by dragging it kicking
and screaming to the left.
Oh, and Joe Biden
is the official nominee.
Hey, Jill! They said my name on the TV!
Sure, Joe. Almost as much
as they said Bernie's.
Hold on. Now, how come they're
saying his name when I'm the guy
who won the rigged
primary fair and square?
Exactly! This should
be your moment, not his.
Bernie's not like the
other candidates, Joe.
He has some weird desire
to speak about the issues,
even when it won't benefit
him in any discernible way.
Now, that's whacky-dacky!
Trying to modernize
my slang, Jill. Ya dig?
I'm just saying, it'd be nice
if Bernie could take a backseat
and let you become
the face of the party.
I'm not too worried. Everyone
knows I'm the face of the party.
Coming up, we meet a woman
so inspired by Bernie Sanders
she named her firstborn
child "77% Estate Tax".
God, Eric!
I am up to my ass's ass telling voters
that sending gun pics
to liberals cures COVID.
It's been weeks since
I've seen you long enough
to punch you lovingly in the dick!
Laying people off from the Trump Org
has become my full-time job!
COVID-19 is tearing our
brotherly asses apart!
I wish some science freak
would find the cure already
so we can rent that houseboat
to have our first annual
houseboat-sex-and-drinking
party! Oy, oy!
If we don't have that party,
it'll be like we bought
matching sailor suits for nothing!
They weren't matching!
I bought mine first!
As I was saying, I'm
totally open to any feedback
in regards to my day-to-day.
Oh. Sorry. You're fired.
Your health insurance ends... now.
Now get the eff outta here!
Joe really appreciates what you're doing
for his campaign, Beau Bridges.
Big Stargate fan, by the way.
Love how it draws from both
Norse and Greek mytholo...
Okay. I-I'll let you get back to it.
We're up 200 thou in donations,
and it's not even "healthy
morning snack" time yet.
I, in a sense, rock.
Do you think Bernie's
stealing my moment?
- Not exactly... ?
- You do! I knew it!
It's just that your moment
is, uh, a collective action.
Undertaken by many, many
people, including Bernie.
But I should be the face
of the Democratic Party,
and Bernie keeps shoving
his face over mine!
I spent a lot of money on this face,
and I wanna show it off!
Look, Joe. I've got carpal tunnel
from dialing donors all day,
and I can't keep saying
the call is cutting out when
they bring up Tara Reade.
Making peace with Bernie and courting
his small-dollar donors
could be a good thing.
I could even facilitate a
tête-à-tête between you two.
He should be wanting to
TED Talk with me,
not the other way around!
Ah, forget it, Barack. I'm sure
the party will Band-Aid over
its irresolvable
differences like always.
Made it through another unaired presser.
Maybe next time, Trump
will let the camera guy
take the lens cap off.
- Oh, Dr. Fauci! Dr. Fauci!
- Here, here! Dr. Fauci!
Dr. Fauci! I said it first!
Again, boys, jock itch is not a symptom.
How long would it take
us to cure coronavirus
and still have time to rent
an inflatable AR-15-shaped
pool float for a sick-ass
houseboat-sex-and-drinking
party?! Oy, oy!
Vaccines can take years to develop
before they're even brought to market.
Oh, we know all about bringing
products prematurely to market.
Unless you have a research
lab at your disposal,
I don't see how it's possible.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have to hose off the letter "Q"
someone defecated onto my RAV4.
Ugh! That was our last
chance to cure the disease!
But it was the first thing we tried.
Bernie troubles?
You've come to the right place, sister.
Don't get me wrong. I appreciate
all the thankless hours
he spends on the campaign trail...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blame it on my juice.
Bernie will always find a
way to steal my spotlight.
Uh, your spotlight.
Barack thinks I should
talk to him about it.
Pfft! Next he's gonna tell you
to take the fall for Benghazi!
If you want my advice,
leave them both in the dust
and... who knows... maybe
you'll find a surrogate
sitting in plain sight.
Because why play Pokémon Go...
when you can Pokémon
Joe Biden to the polls!
And that's just off the top of my head.
Eric, I told you that whenever
you get a new bandana,
you can just show it to
me like a normal person!
Surprise!
It's our old childhood
penthouse basement!
And it's still full of all the stuff
we made one of our moms buy us
after we watched Weird Science!
We never did make a girl.
But you did cure my hiccups!
I had a scientific breakthrough
to hit you with the hammer!
And my insomnia! Remember
how you cured that?
- I hit you with this book!
- Let's do it again!
You can be Dr. Don,
and I'll be your trusty lab rat, Eric.
Together, we'll cure coronavirus!
I promised myself I'd
never do science again
after realizing I could
jack off in the shower,
but these are unprecedented times.
Come here, lab rat!
See? No herkups! It's warking, Daern!
Barack, I thought about it,
and I don't want to be
like Hillary after all.
She ordered a basket of deplorables,
and when the waiter didn't
laugh, she slapped him!
I'll call Bernie
and arrange this tête-à-tête tout suite.
Do you really think I
can get through to him?
Of course! You are the king
of reaching across the aisle.
Remember Strom?
Reaching across the aisle to make peace
with a segregationist
Dixie-crat is one thing,
but a guy who wants sick
people to be given medicine?
We have nothing in common.
Just be like me... firm,
officious, dignified,
humble yet proud,
fair, judicious, kind...
Bored! Just say you'll have my back.
- I always do.
- Okay, let's do it!
If I can work with Jesse Helms
to keep those kids off those buses,
well, surely I can talk
to Bernie Sanders!
Uh, thank you both for being here today.
"The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step". Lao-Tzu.
I thought this was a
Green New Deal summit.
Where is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez?
The Green New who?
I'm the mean "Green", buck-o,
and the "New Deal" is what I say goes!
I'm tired.
Bernie, the real reason we're here today
is so that you and Joe
can heal your differences.
And so I can become the
face of the Democratic Party
once and for all!
I'm not stopping him
from being the face!
The people just prefer
my face to be the face!
Enough talk! It's time
to run at each other
waving really heavy public trash cans!
- Huuuuah!
- Calm down, fellas.
Let's start with something easy.
I want you each to say one nice
thing about the other person.
Bernie?
Joe, when you're around.
there's never an uncomfortable silence.
Or a comfortable one.
Any silence, really.
Your turn, Joe.
You're good at talking
to the youth voters,
the spoiled ones who
spend all their money
on avocado-toast lattes
instead of sacking up and
going off to fight in Korea!
- Great job, Joe.
- Great job?
He gets a "great job" and I get bupkus?
Playing favorites again, Barack,
just like you did in the primary!
Look, I just did what needed doing.
When Jamie Dimon calls, I listen.
Now we're all fightin'!
I feel like an interracial
lifeguard again!
We have to be
scientific about this, Eric!
Let's try the proven method
to cure coronavirus first.
Open up.
- How do you feel?
- Like a bathroom.
Okay. Subject feels like a bathroom.
Do you have any poison back there
that tastes like noodles and butter?
Subject is talking back to
doctor like a total beeyotch.
Could be a symptom of coronavirus.
Further testing needed.
That's everything
from the supply closet.
- How do you feel?
- Actually pretty good!
I think the lighter fluid
canceled out the hand sanitizer
which canceled out the motor oil.
Eric, shut up! That's it!
All of these forces combined
make the perfect cure!
Last question. Do you have coronavirus?
- No?
- Urethra!
My movement could run
laps around your movement!
Dup-dup! Maybe in 2008,
but times have changed!
With a single tweet, I
could have this forest
swarming with unshaven podcasters!
At least I won the
nomination on my first try!
Hey! Look at me! Look at me!
I'm thinking about swapping
out Kamala for John Kasich!
You'll never have what I had, Bernie.
Step aside so the true face of the party
can assume his rightful place.
Now you're talking, Barack!
Wait. My face or your face?
How's Guantanamo this time
of year, Barack? Still open?
How is your third house?!
You have three way bigger houses!
Maaaaalarkey! Enough!
It's time for you two
to kiss and make up
like a coupla fruits.
Nothin' wrong with that, by the way.
- But, but, but...
- I said sit!
Buncha screaming guys. Can't
even hear myself scream!
Now it's my turn to be in charge here!
Do the thing where you say a nice thing
about the other fella.
Bernie. You've inspired millions.
You too, Barack. Lotta
inspiration there.
See? That's how you
reach across the aisle.
Now take a deep whiff
of each other's hair.
In conclusion, this vaccine is
a once-in-a-lifetime
investment opportunity
for those seeking to make major
scratch off a biblical plague.
Plus, if you take the vaccine
yourself, you'll live forever!
So, how many millions of units
can we sign you up for?
This vaccine doesn't exactly fit
with the Tesla Corp business model.
Do you have any boxy cars
or big holes in the ground?
No, and stop asking!
Then it's a no from me,
dawg. Sorry to this man.
Well, Don, back to the drawing board!
Maybe you can cure my plantar
warts with some paint thinner.
No way, lab rat ass rat!
We're selling this shit
so we can throw a rockin'
houseboat-sex-and-drinking party!
- Rockin' out! Oh, yeah!
- But we were finally spending
- quality time together.
- Oy, oy!
Just let it out, fellas.
They say they want change,
but when you give it to
them, what do they say?
I should have been a
Supreme Court Justice.
You devote your whole life to
the public good, and for what?
For a KFC-huffing casino failure
to level everything you built
and let a bunch of
bazooka-toting gout patients
stomp all over it in
their camo-print Crocs?
See? You folks are the same sort of
weepy do-gooder dweebs after all.
- Honestly, I needed this.
- Me too.
Now can we all agree to make
nice and let me be the face?
I'm cool with it if
Bernie's cool with it.
- Yeah, okay, sure. Fine.
- Yahoo!
I'm prouder than when Hunter
called me up from Ukraine
and said, "Dad, I got the job!"
Hey, Dr. Don.
What do you think will happen
if I lick this hot curling iron?
Shut up, Eric! I told you the R&D phase
of Doctor Don Incorporated is over!
Now we are in the GP phase!
That stands for "Get Paid",
and I just made it up, so
please congratulate me already!
- Congratu...
- Shut up, Eric!
I'm trying to think of
a way to rope sick people
desperate for a sliver of
hope into buying this thing!
Whoa! I wanna buy that thing!
I'm Mike Lindell, CEO of MyPillow.
Is your pillow mushy and damp
from all your nosebleeds?
Do you have bad sleep habits
like waking up every 12 minutes
to swing a blade in
the air at the vagrant
trying to steal the coat hanger
you use as a hairbrush?
Try sleeping on MyPillow.
That's it! That's the answer!
We gotta get Mike Lindell
out of that TV and in on this!
I thought this was sort
of a two-man operation.
If he can sell millions
of dumb MyPillows,
imagine what he can do
for our dumb vaccine.
Somebody say MyPillow?!
Welcome back to Meet the Press.
I'm Chuck Todd, and joining
me are the two biggest names
in Democratic politics...
Bernie Sanders and Barack Obama.
And I'd also like to
throw my name in the ring.
Just kidding. Unl... Well, unless... ?
- I-I don't know. Maybe.
- Thanks for having us, Chuck.
Barack and I have decided to join forces
on a nationwide speaking tour
for the 2020 Democratic
presidential candidate.
That's me!
Why am I at the little table again?
Sorry, Mr. Vice President.
It was a tight fit,
and I wanted these
two titans of democracy
within high-five distance.
You understand.
Fine, but just tell your niece
she's hogging all the elbow space!
Annabelle, you heard the Vice
President. Make some room.
- Hi. I'm Mike Lindell and...
- _
And I am Mist... Doctor Don!
This is my lab rat,
Eric. He is very sick.
I'm at the end of my rope.
Take this. Take it, Eric!
What Don Jr. is feeding
his rat friend there
- is MyCOVIDVaccine.
- By Doctor Don!
Unlike other vaccines promising
to give you coronavirus,
MyCOVIDVaccine doesn't
promise to give you coronavirus.
How do you feel, rat boy?
Much better!
Tits out for the rat boy!
They loved the shit out of that vaccine!
I always knew we had something
special down in that basement,
even when I was coughing up blood!
I haven't moved product that
fast since my dealer Slice
let me sell to all the raccoons
that were living in
my burned-out minivan!
Wait. What the shit is this?!
Where's my face? Where's my name?!
I ran the infomercial
by a few focus groups,
and it turns out MyCOVIDVaccine
sells much better with your likeness
completely removed from the product.
But the consumers go nuts for Eric.
Oh, wow! I bet it's because
people naturally feel bad for me.
But what about me?!
What am I supposed to do,
pour bleach down my own throat?!
Now you have more time
to plan your first annual
houseboat-sex-and-drinking party.
Oh, yeah. I forgot that's why
we're doing this whole thing.
For that party. Not
for... hanging out. Eh...
I probably won't be able to make it
thanks to my new infomercial schedule,
but you can put my sailor
suit on a starfish if you want!
_
_
_
_
Hey, man. I'm late for my gig.
Think I can come in through the back?
- Name?
- Joe Biden.
Sorry, boss. You're not on the list.
This is the VIP entrance.
Check general admission.
I don't need to be on the list.
My name's up there on the marquee. See?
I didn't bring my reading glasses.
There you are! I've been
waiting for like a million hours!
Sorry. Mike Lindell wanted
me to contour my face
a little bit to play up
the rodentine features.
I thought R&D was over.
Well, it's back on!
I thought it would be a good idea
to think of some more vaccines.
Just for us. No Lindell!
I'll have to make sure our hang sesh
doesn't conflict with
my legal proceedings.
- What the shit?!
- Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you.
I'm being sued. A class-action!
Eric, you're being sued
for the wrongful death of thousands?!
Turns out MyCOVIDVaccine is
actually worse than coronavirus.
Even holding the bottle can be fatal.
This is so not fair!
Those wrongful deaths should be mine!
We did this together, and I'm
not even named in the suit!
You're the one that wanted to take
our brother-science
operation out of the basement.
I was perfectly fine ingesting
chemicals just the two of us.
W-Well, are you free to ingest some now?
I could squeeze the meat out
of an old Incredible Hulk doll.
I gotta meet up with Rudy
Giuliani for my trial.
He's, like, the only lawyer
that'll come near our family.
I should be on trial
for those deaths, too!
It should be me! Not
stupid brother Eric!
Hello, Wisconsin!
Thank you for being here
tonight in honor of the most
important face in the room...
- Joe Biden!
- Joe Biden!
That ain't my face!
- 5, 6, 7, 8, hit it!
- Ladies and gentlemen!
In celebration of Joe
Biden's campaign...
Barack Obama and Bernie Sanders!
I think healthcare should be free.
And I think it should be
public and private, too.
- How's that gonna work?
- It's been workin'.
Yeah, whatever!
♪ But at the end of the day ♪
♪ We're both the same shade of blue ♪
You know, I repealed
"don't ask, don't tell".
Yeah, I think I wanted
to do that in, uh, 1992.
Hey, who's countin'?
- I'm countin', I'm countin'!
- Yeah, whatever.
♪ But at the end of the day ♪
♪ We're the two top dogs of blue ♪
You know, people wonder
how a democratic centrist...
And a democratic socialist...
♪ Can find some common ground ♪
♪ Well, with our mutual admiration ♪
♪ For the late John McCain ♪
♪ There's commonality to be found ♪
Hey, Barack, when are we
gonna close Guantanamo?
Uh, soon enough. I'm working on it.
Soon enough? Yeah, I
won't wait up for dinner.
- Hey, it's complicated!
- Oh, sure.
♪ But at the end of the day ♪
♪ We're both the same shade of ♪
♪ Blue ♪
Eric, how do you feel about having
so much blood on your hands?
- Um...
- And isn't some other badass guy
also responsible for those deaths, too?!
My client has no further comments,
except to say that his lawyer
has a reservation tonight
at the Rusty Scupper.
If any ladies are interested,
show up with a pink carnation
in between your honkers so I
know you're down to get gross.
Look at me, lab rat!
Look at me!
♪ I'm down here ♪
♪ And you're up here ♪
♪ But you need to be here ♪
♪ Actually I need to be here ♪
Hey! Why did you make
me a big rusty sign?
Signs can't be president!
They got no grit, no know-how!
Joe! I didn't realize
you were coming tonight.
I would've left tickets
for you at will call.
This is my dang speaking tour!
Of course it is. And
you did such a good job
bringing us headliners
together, we thought
it might be nice for you to
sit back and enjoy the show.
From the comfort of your basement
as you stain the wallpaper yellow
just by hanging out in
the same room too much.
But I should be up there! I'm the face!
Unless... I'm the ass?!
Just for a little while.
Until you're elected president.
And then you can be the face
on nights and weekends.
Aw, who needs you two!
I'm going on my own speaking tour,
organized and planned
by me and me alone!
My name in lights!
A gal in a headset
screaming, "Five minutes!"
Big ol' tray of deli meat in
the back. Just you wait and see!
Now someone just tell me
how do I send an e-mail.
- Hey, Bailey! Nice to see ya!
- _
I'm glad your mom, Liz Warren,
let you join me here tonight.
A one, and a two, and a one-two-three.
♪ I say how do you do ♪
♪ You say woofy woof-a-roo ♪
♪ But one thing is we both hate fleas! ♪
Hey! I'm headlinin' here!
Despite the drink in my hand
and the houseboat underfoot,
this party somehow sucks ass.
Your bad mood is a major
mood, and it is so not a mood.
We should be celebrating
my scientific genius,
but now there's no vaccine, no Eric...
and, actually, where is
all the freaking sex?!
Real talk... when I invited
a bunch of girls to a party
in the midst of a global pandemic,
they threw high-key shade at me.
Even Kanye said no,
and that guy said yes
to slandering Harriet Tubman.
So no one's even coming?
Everyone else is too lame
sauce to even take the red pill,
including my newborn birth child
who also RSVP'd "no" to me.
Can you believe the rebellion?
Maybe we could just do experiments
on each other instead?
I found some toilet cleaner below deck!
Let me feed it to you
and see what happens!
Sir, this is a Wendy's!
It's like I'm not even there, Hillary!
It's some rusty sign instead.
I can't compete with that!
They're ignoring you?
- Pfft. Lucky.
- What do you mean?
No attention is better
than outright disgust.
My surrogates actively hated me.
You should see some of
the vile text messages
- I got from Katy Perry.
- I guess that's that.
Barack and Bernie are the
faces, and I'm just the ass.
Oh, boo hoo. A Black
guy and a Jewish guy
are doing all the leg work
for the old, toothy white guy.
Joe, don't you realize
how easy you have it?
You've got the veneer of progress
without having to go out there yourself
and say things like,
"Democracy is real",
and, "Cops need to cool it".
Hey, let's not demonize
lots and lots of bad apples.
Just be the vacant, smiling face
propped up by the
sweaty, hardworking ones.
Piece of cake.
Vacant smile? Me? Well,
I guess I could try.
I am not guilty
of the crimes set before me.
I could have cured those hiccups...
back when things were simpler.
Once you go corporate, the fun
of inventing boxy deathtraps
flies out the window.
Just like most of your human passengers.
Next thing you know,
everybody's asking you
for a rocket that, like,
won't even explode.
- Very much not gang-gang.
- So true.
Making Eric drink all those
chemicals in the basement,
and then writing down what happened...
those were the best
moments of my entire life!
I was just too blinded by profit
and houseboat sex to see it.
Yeah. Okay, boomer!
Now you understand what it's like
to be a misunderstood
genius like c'est moi.
Just for the record,
this whole thing wasn't
entirely my idea.
My brother Don Jr. also
has blood on his hands.
Aww! Lab rat ass...
Hey, folks! Just wanted
to drop off this basket
as a "thank you" for all
your hard work out there.
I don't deserve it.
Barack and I are no longer speaking.
Thank you for the basket.
Please put the Vermont cheddar
- on my vanity.
- What if I want the Vermont cheddar?
I thought you two were bosom buddies!
Singin' and dancin' together
like it was Bandstand
after they integrated.
Your friend over here
insisted on top billing,
even though I was routinely
bringing in the 18-to-25 demo!
Oh, you mean the demo that
never votes? Big accomplishment.
Just because the DNC decided to sideline
its first true revolutionary
candidate in a generation!
Maybe the DNC didn't want to
gamble on a fringe candidate.
Oh, because that totally blew up
in Republicans' faces in 2016.
Not! It had the opposite effect!
Fine. If you two can't get along,
I guess I'll have to be the
face of this party after all.
I just hope they like
my Cosby impression!
Eat the steel wool,
Dr. Don. For science.
Okay, it's not so b... Aarrgh!
Patient feels like absolute dog ass!
Doctor feels same. Could
these two things be connected?
Further testing required.
Is there steel wool for one more?
Eric! I thought you were in jail!
They let me out on bail!
Apparently they don't
consider me a flight risk
because I don't know how to
walk through a metal detector.
Sorry about before.
I was just jealous that you got to be
the face of pharmaceutical
malfeasance without me.
Apology accepted!
Next time, we'll be up on
that witness stand together.
Scientist-brothers again?
Now open up. This Incredible
Hulk meat won't eat itself.
Ugh! Come on! Another warm-up act?
I know I'm not the reason you're here,
but the headliners couldn't get over
their massive friggin' egos.
So, without further adieu...
♪ I say how do you do ♪
♪ You say woofy woof-a-roo ♪
♪ But one thing we both hate ♪
♪ Is fleas ♪
This is so bad, it's almost good again.
I think what our friend Joe
Biden is trying to say...
... is that we forgot who
the real candidate is,
whether by mistake
or by forcefully
pushing that information
to the outer reaches of our minds.
So you're cool with me being the face?
Uh, sure, as long as we
can be the brain, heart,
arms, legs, DNA, and power of attorney.
Aww! You'd do that for me?
Five, six, seven, eight, hit it!
♪ 'Cause at the end of the day ♪
♪ We're all the same shade of ♪
- Joe.
- Come on, Joe.
Oh. Blue.
Awesome song!
Hey, anyone else still
not have healthcare?
The biggest names of the
left were out last night
in Tempe, Arizona.
- If the Democratic Party had a voice,
- _
it would be Barack Obama's.
And if it had a heart, it
would be Bernie Sanders.
And if it had to have a face,
I guess it'd be Joe Biden's.
And wow. How 'bout that
pedestrian sign on the keys?
Should I be worried about that sign?
Unless you gave it a massage
backstage, you'll be fine.
Only a shoulder squeeze. Nothing crazy.
Trump!