Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit (1989–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

For our closing appeal,

I'd Like to bring
somebody to you

who has a special place in
the hearts of all of us here.

She's been ill,
she's been tempted,

but she's come back to
Jesus a hundredfold.

- It's a miracle.
- Praise the Lord.

Now, if any of you
doubt the love of Jesus,

I want you to come up
here after the service,

talk to Jess.

She's lost none of her gift

It's my prayers and nursing.

Tonight, when you
came into this tent,

many of you had never heard of
how Jesus died for your sins.

He died so that you could Live.

He was bound so that
you could be free.

Anyone can know
that love of Jesus,

and there is no sin so great
that he cannot forgive.

Amen, amen.

Anyone can know his peace.

You don't need brains or money.

All you need to do is ask.

if anyone wants to
get closer to Jesus,

don't wait,

come up to the front now so
that we can pray with you.

Come up now and open
your hearts to Jesus.

♪ When other helpers fall

♪ Comforts flee

♪ Help of the helpless

♪ Lord, abide with me

♪ Swift to its close

♪ Ebbs out Life's Little day

♪ Earth's joys grow dim

♪ its glories pass away

♪ Change and decay

♪ In all around I see

♪ O Thou who changest not

♪ Abide with me ♪

I'm not asleep.

I'm sorry I'm late. It's all those new
converts. There's still some left in the tent

Well, go back, then. It's
what your training's for.

And after your illness, you'll
need plenty of Life with the Lord.

I told you you'd be called
to work once you got better.

What are you reading?

It's a book Pastor
Spratt sent me.

It's called Where White
Man Fears to Tread.

It's all about the
experiences of a missionary.

You should borrow It

Thanks, I will

I’ll take a scarf with me
if I'm going back outside.

Did you know, they fed some white
mice the same diet that Indians eat

and all the mice died.

It just goes to show how the Lord
provides for Christian countries.

And you don't think the mice would have died
if you'd fed them on steak and kidney pudding?

♪ I will make you fishers
of men If you follow me

♪ If you follow me,
If you follow me

♪ I will make you fishers
of men If you follow me ♪

It was Jesus's way

to spend his time with
simple, ordinary people,

Like the fishermen on
the Sea of Galilee,

Like the crowd that came to Listen
and who he fed in their thousands

with only five loaves
and two fishes.

Jesus went out of his
way to meet people.

That's why we come
on these missions.

We want to follow
the example of Jesus.

Whatever Jesus
did, we want to do.

Amen, amen.

Why don't you walk on
the bloody water, then?


The water. Jesus walked
on It, didn't he?

- You said you want to do the same things.
- That was a miracle.

Have you ever thought that Jesus might
have been a member of the Magic Circle?

Like Michael here.

- Michael saws people in half.
- I think Jesus was a magician.

- All them miracles? He's got to be.
- Aye, he's got to be.

I'm gonna lead the believers in
a word of prayer on your behalf.

On Judgment Day,
you'll be unhappy men.

Hell is always close at hand

for the scoffers and
the hard-hearted.

O heavenly Father...

shake up the world
with Your love.

Let us feel the
shudders of Your love

from Blackpool to Bangkok.

I don't understand.

Will you explain
everything to me?

Don’t worry. It's hard getting
used to being a Christian at first

You'll soon be all right

Can we talk about It later?

I've got to go back to the
boarding house with my mum.

We could meet afterwards.

After the service.

Which one's your mum?

Jesus, we know
that without you...

- She's the one who never smiles.
- She doesn't think It's right to smile

when there are so many
people going to hell

- Oh.
- Close your eyes now.

Let It be Your name on their Lips,
let It be Your hand on their hearts,

may the very tips of their toes
know the glory of the Living God.

- I'm not bothered about going to hell
- Amen.

- At least this bloody lot wouldn’t be there.
- Amen.

I wouldn't bank on It

Sweet Jesus.

Mum doesn't believe in church.

I Liked your sermon,
though, all that about love.

We can still have a good time,
can’t we, now that we’re saved?

Yes. You don't stop having a good
time because you belong to Jesus.

Let's go to the
pleasure beach, then.

- I can't - Why not?

Because I'm supposed to be
talking to you about Jesus.

Can you only talk to me
about Jesus standing still?

- No.
- Come on, then.

There's a tram. Let's run for It

Do you know about
the Loco-Motion?

- What?
- The Loco-Motion!

You drive, I wanna dance.

♪ Everybody’s doin'
a brand-new dance now

♪ Come on, baby,
do the Loco-Motion

♪ I know you'll get to Like
It If you give It a chance now

♪ Come on, baby,
do the Loco-Motion

♪ My Little baby sister
can do It with me

♪ It's easier than
learnin' your ABC

♪ So come on, come on, do
the Loco-Motion with me

♪ You gotta swing your hips now

♪ Come on, baby

♪ Jump up

♪ Jump back

♪ Well, I think
you've got the knack

♪ Whoa, whoa, now
that you can do It

♪ Let's make a chain now

♪ Come on, baby,
do the Loco-Motion

♪ A chug-a chug-a motion

♪ Like a railroad train now

♪ Come on, baby,
do the Loco-Motion

♪ Do It nice and easy,
now, don't lose control

♪ A Little bit of rhythm

♪ And a lot of soul

♪ Come on, come on, do
the Loco-Motion with me

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Move around the
floor in a Loco-Motion

♪ Come on, baby,
do the Loco-Motion

♪ Do It holding hands
If you get the notion

♪ Come on, baby,
do the Loco-Motion

♪ There's never been a
dance that's so easy to do

♪ It even makes you happy
when you're feeling blue

♪ So come on, come on, do
the Loco-Motion with me...

I love the fair.

We have one near to
where I Live every year.

I always go.

They've got fortune-tellers too.

I had my fortune told once.

♪ Come on, do the
Loco-Motion ♪ Mm-mm-mm

♪ Jump up, Jump back ♪
Come on, do the Loco-Motion

- What did he say?
- Nothing.

I told him I was with you.

♪ Jump up, Jump back ♪ Come
on, do the Loco-Motion... ♪

Where do your mum and dad sleep?

They sleep in the boarding house. Me
and me sister sleep in the caravan.

- Will our talking wake her up?
- No, she's not here tonight

She's with me
grandma in Fleetwood.

I'm going tomorrow night

She only Likes us one at a time.

Was It good?



You were there. Was It good?


I haven't had so
much fun in ages.

I was ill

And before that, I was unhappy.

And now?

Well, I'm not ill..

And I'm happy.

You were going to
tell me about Jesus.

What was It that
you wanted to know?

Well, I think you should
teach me gradually.

Well, not too much at once.


Let's take a long time.

I'm sorry.

I forgot how late It was.
I Just heard the clock chime.

I didn't

Are you off, then?


Don't you want a cup of tea?

Well, good night, then.

I kept trying to see you

but the pastor said
you were too ill

Did you Like my letters?

What letters?

I never had any.

I gave them to Pastor.

One each time he
went to visit you.

He said he'd give them to you,

but not to expect a reply
cos you were too weak.

I never saw them, love.

And I wasn't that weak.


When I asked him to fetch you down with
him, he said you had glandular fever.

Oh, I did, but only
for four months.

- Oi.
- What?

There's a nipper
out here to see you.

You were late today.
I thought you weren't coming.

I had to get me
brother ready for Cubs.

Look, I'm sorry.

It’s Just I'm fed up cos you're
going back to school next week.

We’ll still have our
Saturdays and Sundays,

and we’ll see each other
most nights at church.

Anyway, you'll be
at tech again soon.

Yeah, but I'm carrying
on working at the caff.

Mrs. Arkwright's given me a
split shift for the weekdays.

You'll be tired.

Let's go in there.

Do I smell of milkshakes?


Oh, I wish we had
somewhere proper to go.

Somewhere of our own.

We've got me mum's caravan.

We can stay there
whenever we want

You could come
tonight, if you want

No, I can't I've got to prepare a
Bible study for the harvest festival

We’ll do that first and
I’ll type It for you.

Then we can go to bed.

Don't you ever worry that we
might be doing something wrong?


Yes, well, he should
be back by now.

I had to send him home
to get a clean tie.

Oh, here he comes, and Elsie...
Oh, doesn't she look grand?

Ah. Hello, Mrs. Norris.

You're the first Will
you take your pick?

Harvest festival What a day.

There are a lot of tins
this year, aren’t there?

Don't worry about that, Will!
am will carry them for you.

- It's holocaust food.
- What?

We're Living in the last days,
Mrs. Norris, that's what we know.

At any moment, the
Lord may come back,

and the Earth will be
consumed by a fireball,

as It says in the
Book of Revelation.

These tins will tide us over

while we wait in the
bunker for the Lord's call

You can't count on perishables.

I see. Well, unless the holocaust comes
pretty fast, I'm going to miss it,

so why not give me whatever'll rot
quickest and I’ll go and eat it right away.

- Bread and cheese.
- No, I don't think so.

- We've got Cheshire.
- No.

- Lancashire crumbly?
- I've got some cream cakes.

- Ah.
- Take those.

Chocolate éclairs and strawberry tarts.
These'll do.

Come on, Will! am!
Push me to one side

and I'll have a cup of
tea and get stuck in.


It looks Like Elsie's hat


Pass me that hammer, will you?


- Pastor's up to something.
- How do you know?

I can tell by the way he's rubbing
his hands saying, “Praise the Lord.”

Right, let's get
down and have a look.

It's got to be straight

Oh, God.

Hello, Jess.

I came early to find you because we've
got to go off straight after the service

to stay with Ian's
parents up in Yorkshire.

We're getting married, Jess.

You never wrote to me.

I wrote to you every week.
You never answered.

Jess, don't Be happy for me.

This is Katy.

Hello. Are you Jess's friend?


I was saved at the tent crusade.

I know all about you.

Well, I'd better go inside
and have a word with your mum.

- What are you doing now?
- Doing for what?

Ian, come and meet Jess.

And this is, um...
Sorry, I've forgotten.

Katy. Pleased to meet you.

Come on, Katy, let's go.

- Are you not staying for the service?
- Not with you there.


as you know, Melanie's
soon to be my wife.

She's told me everything
that went on between you...

- Not everything.
- Yes, everything.

- And I forgive you.
- What?

I forgive you.

Can I come and stay with you?
I can Live in your caravan.

You can't

Mum wouldn't let you.

She doesn't Like you
because of church.

She thinks you've led me astray.

She ain't keen on God.

I can't go home.

Mum'll probably
have Melanie there.

She won't

- Why should she?
- Oh, because she's holy now.

I don’t wanna see her.

I never want to see her again.


Full of filth when I
think of you and that girl

touching and kissing.

To think I trusted you,
let you do as you pleased,

and I've worked to be a good mother,
and this is how you repay me.

I wouldn't have believed It if
Melanie hadn’t told me herself.

And to think It was
her I blamed once.

Shall we go downstairs,
have a nice cup of tea?

There's no cups left
I've smashed them all

What are we going to do?

Jess, we've let you
have too much power.

You've taken the Bible
study, been a leader,

and It's not given for
a woman to be a leader.

We let you have a man's role,
you've taken on a man's appetites.

She's lost She's lost

She's in danger
of losing her soul

I'm fine.

- Where do you think you're going?
- I don't know,

but I'm not going
back in that parlour!

Steady on, girl!

What's the trouble? There's
nothing worth that face.

I'm leaving home!

What's happened?

It's Melanie!

It's Katy.

Mum hates me,

and the pastor hates me, and the
whole council's turned against me.

They think I want to be a man.

Oh, yes.

I've a sense of what you say.
Elsie's told me enough.

I don't know what to do.

What about your mother?

I don't know.

I don't know anything.

I've got to warn Katy
In case they hurt her.

I'll have a word with Katy.

Now, you'll be best off at Elsie's
than chasing all over town.

You're taking your
exams, aren't you?

And It's important
to do well, isn't It?



You've no money,
but you can drive.

Yeah, the pastor taught me

so I could help him drive
the minibus on our crusades.


You come to me and do a
bit of work for your keep.

Ever made up a corpse?

- No.
- There's nothing to It

And the best thing is, they don't
complain when you show 'em the mirror.

We’ll see how It goes.

You can come and
go as you please.

I can get you other bits of jobs too,
moonlighting for Brimstone's Ice cream -

they're always on the
lookout for new drivers.



You can see a lovely death's-head
In the corner of that hankie.

I sew 'em myself and
sell 'em to the grieving.


you do what you have to do...

and I'll expect
you when I see you.

♪ ..roll

♪ Since Jesus came
into my heart ♪



Elsie? Elsie!

I bought you a choc-l...

This is no place for you, Jess.
You're not of the flock now.

But I bought Elsie a choc-Ice. I bring it to her
every Saturday and Sunday when I'm on the van.

She'll not be needing
Ice cream in glory.

- Is she dead?
- Go home, Jess.

And where do you think that is?

Two wafers, please, love.

- Was she a friend of yours?
- Yes.

She went last night I saw her
at six, she were dead by eight

- Shocking.
- It is. It makes you think.

Ooh, no sauce on
mine, please, love.

- How did she die?
- Stroke, I heard.

Nothing long-winded.
She went Like that

Get away from here.

Plying your trade
amongst the dead.

It's not holy, is it?

No, it isn't!

Well, you'll pay for it!

And it'll be more than
the cost of a cornet!


Have a bourbon.


Best thing to come
out of France.

What about quiche?

Oh, yes, quiche.

I had some of that the other
day from that posh new shop.

I think I might put it on
the menu for funeral lunches.

Make a change from turkey roll


- Have you ever been to France?
- No.

- Have you?
- No. Wouldn't want to neither.

Some are cut out for travel and
others it is who stay at home.

How are you getting on with
that Ice cream van job?

Oh, all right

It's better for me to be working,
that way I've no time to get upset

Do us a favour tonight -

I want to go and see
that old Gary Cooper film

and I've got the vehicle
to sweep out for tomorrow.

Will you do it for me
and give it a good clean?

- It's for Elsie, isn't it?
- It is.

It's full of earth
In the back, though,

from where our undertaker used it for
fetching the veg from the allotment

It needs a good sweep.

There's enough earth
where she's going.

I'll do it

You're a good 'un.

They won't let you go to
the funeral, will they?


Well, she'll be in the
chapel of rest tonight

I shouldn't, but I'll give you the
key If you want to pay your respects.

You can bear this
better than I can.

There's so much that
I haven’t told you...

because there's so
much I haven't done.

Who's gonna Listen to me now?

Who's gonna help me win a prize?

I'm gonna sit an
entrance exam...

cos I've read of this magical
city full of towers and books

where you can spend
three years in a Library.

Just think of that, Elsie,

how many books I can read.

I'm not telling anyone
except you and Cissy

because it might never happen.

I don't know if they accept
people from Lancashire.

But I've got to get away now.

Everything that
matters has gone.


Mum, Dad,


God, the church,

and I had to leave Katy to
make it all right for her.

I hope there is another world.

I hope I'm brave.

I won't leave you
tonight, Elsie.

Hello, Elsylum Fields?

Jess? it's me, Cissy.

Did I get you out of bed?


Yes, but it's all right

That's the trouble with
living over the shop.

Now listen, we're in bother

Me helper can't come in today.

I know it's supposed
to be your day off,

but I need you to help me with
the cooking and the serving.

Cissy, I can't it's
Elsie's day today.

The whole church'll be at
the meal, I can't do it

Don’t panic. I'll keep you in
the kitchen, nobody'll see you.

You can't let me down. It's
turkey roll for twenty.

Thank you.

Thank you.

She left me her harmonium.

She'd been saved
for over 50 years.


- Thank you.
- Thanks.

A woman of my training
waiting on tables.

It's not right

The what?

You're joking.

Have you tried fire Lighters?

We've got two to manage this afternoon
and they're bent up tomorrow.

We've got to get it Lit

No, I can't come over,
I've got a wake going on.

They haven't had their
Ice cream yet No.


Oh, all right I’ll
fetch some petrol

Jess, we're in crisis.

There's a cremation in half an hour and they
can't get the furnace to light I've got to go.

- No.
- Yes.

When folk are dead, you
can't have them lying about

What about my professional pride?
I've got to get them bodies burnt

Ooh, I hate cremating. Why can’t they go
In the ground Like they're supposed to?

But I'll have to
do the Ice creams.

They won't come to you
any more if they see me.

I don't care. There's
no shortage of bodies.

And if they don't Like my establishment,
they can go to Gloomy Alf's.

everybody's fences, or walk
In front of people's windows.

Thank you.

I never Like to be late.

I always leave well over half
an hour before I need to do.

Lord save us. It's Satan's Limb.


Me. Vanilla, Pastor.



Give us a big one.

- Have you no shame?
- No!

We'll not stay here
to be insulted.

She is a demon, your daughter.

No daughter of mine.

I didn't see you in there.

I was at the funeral
but I didn't want to eat

I was hoping I'd see you.

Elsie told me you'd left
home, left the church.

She said you were driving an Ice cream
van and making up corpses for Cissy.

I am.

I'm at the tech
too, working hard.

I'm trying for a
place at university.

I want to read a lot more
books than the Bible.

Is there anything I can do?

- Do you want my address?
- No.

I've got used to
being on my own now.

Well, then I'll be going.

You can always find me in the
phone book If you change your mind.

Goodbye, Jess.

Remember, you have to
fight for what you want

I've come to sit the
entrance exam for Oxford.

When will you find out, then?

Soon. I've got an
interview next week.

- I didn't know you were clover.
- I might not be.

Still, you've got a good heart

- You sound Just Like my mum.
- What do you mean?

Well, she always used to say whenever I had an
exam or wanted to stay off church to revise,

- "The test is how you Live your Life.”
- She's right too!

Yeah, I know that, but it's
very hard to Live your Life

when everything you love has
been taken away from you.

Why don't you make
It up with her?

I can't She won't
make it up with me.

I'm not what she wants.
Not what she intended.

I've gone a different way.

Time is a great healer.

- It's here.
- What?

Oh, no! I can't look!

- Shall I look?
- No!


Oh, no. Give it here, I will

Oh, you've given
her a lovely colour.

She was never that
good-looking in Life.

We used to call her the dustpan.

- I'm shaking!
- I know how you feel

When I got the telegram
during the war,

I thought either me husband's
been decorated or he's dead.

Ooh, it were such a
relief when he were dead.

- Yes!
- Oh!

Oh, oh!

I'm going to Oxford!

Going to Oxford!

I'm going to Oxford!

I'm going to Oxford!

I'm going to Oxford!

I'm going to Oxford!

I don't know how we're to
compete with all that brasswork.

Trust in the Lord.

Didn't Joshua bring down the walls of
Jericho Just by blowing his own trumpet?

I'm not very good, Mrs. Green.
I've only had six lessons.

Oh, don't bother about
that, I haven't had any.

Have we all got our
instruments ready?

I see the Salvation Army have
got out their sheet music.

Will! am hasn't got anything.

He's quiet, but he's deep.

Shall we tender the o live
branch Just once more?

- You mean ask If we can join forces?
- Yes.

- For the glory of God.
- After what they said to me?

After how they treated me?

Go on, then, Katy. Go and ask the
general if he'd Like our support

if not, ask him which carol they mean to start
with, and we'll play something different

- Do I have to?
- Yes.

I'll play on the harmonium
to give you support

When they hear the notes of
Jesus, their hearts'll soften.

Go on.

What a moment



- Jess!
- Hello.

I don't know why I'm hugging
you after you abandoned me.

I had to, you know I did.

Me parents are going out tonight
Why don't you come round?

Shall I?

Come late, though.

I have to go now. I'm offering
terms of surrender to the general

Yeah, what's going on? We always play
with the Salvation Army at Christmas.

They upset May at
the rehearsals.

They told her she
couldn't play her drum.

May said, "it tells us in the
Bible to make a joyful noise,"

but the general said, "That's not
the same thing as a blooming' racket.

♪ Venite, venite in Bethlehem

♪ Natum videte

♪ Regem angelorum

♪ Venite adoremus

♪ Venite adoremus

♪ Venite... ♪

♪ God and sinners reconciled
Ready with the cymbals, Mrs. Green?

♪ Joyful all ye nations rise

♪ Join the triumph of the skles

♪ With angelic host proclaim... ♪

Hello, nipper. Merry Christmas.

I'm Just on me way home. Do you
want to come and have a drink?

- You'll be old enough now.
- Yeah, all right

- Just hang on a minute, let me hear this.
- What?

♪ Christ by highest
heaven adored

♪ Christ the everlasting Lord...

Still thieving from them
that can't catch you?

Only the best for Elsie.

Are you coming back with me?

I've Just laid out the last one and
put him on cold till after Christmas.

Not yet

I'm going to go and
see Mum and Dad.

That's news.

They were in the
marketplace today.

Nothing had changed.

But I thought if I could accept them then
maybe they could Just about accept me.

I'll expect you when
I see you, then.

Do you think it'll be all right?

I don't know.

But you had to do it sometime.

Jess, come and look at this.

I can play in The Bleak Midwinter,
with or without tremolo.

I've got a lovely percussion.

Oh, yes. I got rid of the
piano soon after you left

Didn't want to play it any more.

Then after a bit, your father
went out and came back with this.

I wouldn't touch it at
first Wouldn't even dust it

But then I thought, "Well,
I should for his sake.”

He missed you, Jess.

I've got a place at Oxford.

I told the Pastor, I said, "She'll
come back to the Lord one day.

“It's only a matter of time.”

“I'll pray her back.”

Can I have a cup of tea?

You always were impatient

Are you going to play at the Morecambe
guest house for the bereaved this year?

Don't talk to me about that guest house. First it
was Cissy betraying me and looking after you...

- Mum.
- Stop interrupting.

First it was Cissy, then I found that they’d
been having seances in the billiard room.

Seances. Cavorting
with the dead,

and advertising in
the Psychic News.

They called it a
spiritual service.

I know what I call it

Devil worship, I call it

Anyway, I wrote a long piece about
It for the Band of Hope Review,

and then that
Reverend Eli Bourne

who used to do all the prayer
and love and be so holy,

we found out that his
wife's not his wife at all,

- It's his pompadour.
- His what?

His pompadour. He's been Living
In sin with his pompadour.

Vengeance is mine,
sayeth the Lord.

I'm glad to see you still think of
the Bible. Perhaps you're not all lost

Anyway, you know me, Jess - I
always turn the other cheek,

but there's only so
many cheeks in a day.

So you're not with
the society anymore?

There is no society,
I disbanded it

- Does Pastor Spratt know?
- He told me to do as I thought right

Would you Like a Royal Scot?

Anyway, I've had my consolations. It's
not only the organ that's electronic.

- What do you mean?
- Walt and see.

Where's the dog?



Merry Christmas, one
and all in Jesus.

- Who are you?
- It's Father Christmas.

Well, I know that!
But who is it?

I bring you tidings of great
joy and a present each.

Merry Christmas, Jess.

She's Just visiting, Pastor.

Have a glass of lemonade.

Would Like a party pie?

I'd never have guessed.
You look so real

I didn't expect you tonight, Pastor.
I thought you were with the sick.

I am, Mrs. Deboen.

I hope you’ll stay with
us till it turns midnight

so that we can all give thanks
and wish Jesus happy birthday.

- I love Christmas.
- Amen, amen.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas. Oh, this'll
keep the cats off the roses.

Oh, Will! am.

I’ll open the rest in a minute.
It's time for me broadcast

Mrs. Green. May, May, will
you switch me on, please?

Ooh, yes.

- My God!
- He used to be. I pray he'll be so again.

I told you I'd gone
all electronic.

Built it myself with
an instruction book.

That old Bakelite thing
blew up, so what could I do?

You could've bought
an ordinary radio.

Times change, Jess.

But God changes not


Jesus led me to this CB radio,

and now I broadcast regularly to
electronic believers all over the Northwest

I've got quite a club going.

She's marvellous, your mother.
You should be thankful

I don't know what to say.

Ah, see how the Lord
strikes the heathen dumb.

You should give up the
Devil and come home.

Merry Christmas, Mrs. Green.

Merry Christmas, Jess.

- May. Merry Christmas.
- Oh, merry Christmas, love.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Merry Christmas, Mum.

May the airwaves be filled
with the name of Jesus.

O Lord, jam every other
station but your own.

- Amen.
- Praise the Lord.

Amen, amen. Now, pass
me me headphones.

I can feel the spirit
right through the Northwest

This is Kindly Light
calling Manchester.

Come in, Manchester,
this is Kindly Light

Like most people, I lived for a
long time with my mother and father

My father liked to
watch the wrestling,

my mother liked to wrestle.